My 12 year old was fondeld (not quite molested), by our best friend. But, he was not in his right mind, due to the fact about, seven month earlier he nearly died because of a seizure. And he was on all these meds, plus we had a few beers that night. The He ended having a seizure again and, blacked out from there. That's when this all accrued. But, one day the pincipal calls me and tells me that my daughter is looking up porn on her computer. I told that doesn't sound like her, especially when she just got molested. Well, yesterday I get a phone call from the principal saying my daughter spoke to the school counciler and took down her whole statements and he called DHS. Even though I was the one that told him and that we were dealing with it. But, my question is, I told the principal to forget about the counciling because everything was working its self out but, after I left school he sent her down there, didn't contact me, and didn't tell her that you know this will get someone in trouble? Was that illegal and unethical? Because, DHS will be seeing me soon, like maybe today, and I want to know my rights!! HELP! Desperate Mom From Oklahoma!!!

Malita - posted on 02/06/2014 ( 58 moms have responded )

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My 12 year old was fondeld (not quite molested), by our best friend. But, he was not in his right mind, due to the fact about, seven month earlier he nearly died because of a seizure. And he was on all these meds, plus we had a few beers that night. The He ended having a seizure again and, blacked out from there. That's when this all accrued. But, one day the pincipal calls me and tells me that my daughter is looking up porn on her computer. I told that doesn't sound like her, especially when she just got molested. Well, yesterday I get a phone call from the principal saying my daughter spoke to the school counciler and took down her whole statements and he called DHS. Even though I was the one that told him and that we were dealing with it. But, my question is, I told the principal to forget about the counciling because everything was working its self out but, after I left school he sent her down there, didn't contact me, and didn't tell her that you know this will get someone in trouble? Was that illegal and unethical? Because, DHS will be seeing me soon, like maybe today, and I want to know my rights!! HELP! Desperate Mom From Oklahoma!!!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/10/2014

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First, fondling IS MOLESTING. Your daughter's principal seems to have a better handle on this than you do. Your RIGHTS??? You have the right to tell the truth about the entire situation, including your lack of action, and your request to the school to 'ignore' the situation.

You are DEFENDING A PEDOPHILE. Of course the school called child protective services! You are making EXCUSES for what another ADULT did to your child. YOU SHOULD HAVE REMOVED HER from a questionable situation, rather than allow your 'friend' to molest her.

I don't care how 'impaired' he was due to medications and alcohol consumption (Which, by the way, is NEVER RECOMMENDED), I don't care if he had a severe injury a few months ago, neither of those circumstances gave him the right to molest a minor child. And, I guarantee that he'd have gone further, or that he already HAS gone further, because he knows you'll make excuses for him, rather than protect your kid.

Hopefully protective services will remove her from your care until you have completed counseling and parenting assistance sessions so that you can understand that your responsibility is to protect your child, not your inebriated, impaired pedophile friend.

La'Shae - posted on 02/10/2014

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I'm new to this site.. But to me it seems like you are defending this guy because he wasn't on his right mind .. N I truthfully don't care what state of mind he was is he shouldn't have touched a child... And you should not have been able to post this you should've been in jail for murdering him. Because if someone touches your precious innocent child that should've been your initial reaction. You should protect your daughters innocence... He need to be in jail.

[deleted account]

You have blessed every one of us Malita. Thank you but may God bless your daughter. Don't feel like you've been so judged on here. Read your post through the eyes of a stranger, then you'll understand all of the responses you got.

Jodi - posted on 02/08/2014

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Ok, I read your post. I am still not understanding, however, if the police where only called AFTER DHS and the school have become involved or after YOU found out your daughter had been molested. I guess that's what is concerning me. I don't see why it is upsetting you that your daughter talked to the school counsellor about this. She wouldn't have talked to them if she didn't want to, so clearly she is crying out for some help of some sort.

Jodi - posted on 02/07/2014

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If you have been molested, and all your daughters have been molested, WHY are you brushing this under the carpet as "not quite molested"? I am not understanding why you aren't comprehending the seriousness of this issue. Have the people involved in molesting your other children been charged? Have you sought counselling for them? Or have you taken an "it will sort itself out" attitude with them? You do understand that if you haven't reported this, and you haven't sought help for the children, you WILL be in danger of losing them all, right? This is an incredibly serious situation.

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B - posted on 06/12/2014

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Your daughter needs a lot of support right now, and your current standpoint must be very confusing for her. You "friend" has shown you that he is a child predator, and he must be prosecuted. He has already assaulted your child, and he will certainly repeat this behavior on other children. You should research the effects that sexual abuse have on children, and research what you as a parent can do to help your daughter!

Rachael - posted on 03/10/2014

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The school is legally bound to report sexual abuse. Your rights?! Are you kidding, what about your child's rights not to be violated by one of your friends? instead of being worried about your friend getting into trouble you should be worried about your daughter trying to understand what happened to her by looking at sexual images. Thank God at least the school had your daughters best interest in mind because you have not. Do right by your child it is your duty as a parent.

[deleted account]

Wow. I was in tears while reading this. That poor girl! First thing that caught me totally off guard was when you state that she was fondled (not quite molested), being fondaled IS being Molested! As for your friend being like that with your daughter, WTH is he doing drinking while he's on all these meds and you allowing him to do this? YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS YOUR HELP! Something is happening right now to her and if you cant help FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN! As for the Principle he is doing his job! So koddoes to him! Sounds like your priorities are in the wrong place when it seems like your more worried about your friend getting into trouble, then getting the proper help for your daughter. Dont let your daughter slip through the cracks on this one and get her the help she deserves! As for the friend, I'd be ditching him real quick!

Jeanne - posted on 02/12/2014

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You cannot defend this "friend" I don't care what excuse you want to use - your daughter WAS MOLESTED! You are being unfair to her by trying to blow it off! She needs counseling by the school, a pastor or a licensed professional. Putting it off or saying nothing happened will only lead to more problems later. I would also suggest you and your husband need counseling to learn what has happened and how to cope with it, because right now you are only lying to yourselves and your daughter! Please support her and get the family help NOW!

Lynn - posted on 02/11/2014

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No it is not illegal and second he feel that he is looking out for your child...Sometimes as parents we miss the big picture and thats how the Principal is looking at it, because in his mind he don't know what is going on at your home and second if your friend that fondeld your child is still hanging around your home, so he is doing what he feel is best and it's to make sure the safety of your child by contacting DHS, an I know as a parent this is the most scary time not knowing what to expect but you have to make sure you are doing what you have to do in order to protect your child from any harm no matter who it is because if you don't DHS will take her. Good Luck

Rachel - posted on 02/11/2014

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I don't have anything to say aside from fondling IS molestation. You may have meant it didnt go so far that he raped your daughter, but she was molested none the less. Anyone who molests a child whether intoxicated or otherwise ISN'T IN THEIR RIGHT MIND or they wouldn't have done it.

Cathy - posted on 02/10/2014

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Schools are mandatory reporters and are required by law to report any and all allegations of abuse, neglect, or harm to others. They do not get to choose when or when not to report molestation despite what the parents say and yes, fondling a 12 year old IS molestation.

Your concern needs to be what is best for your daughter.

Angela - posted on 02/10/2014

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You responded to my earlier post with “Read my other post and shut up!!” your other TWO posts before mine had NOT fed through on my computer at the time – nor had some of the responses from other people. I apologize for that – but it wasn’t my fault.

I understand that you and your daughters have all suffered abuse in the past. I also understand that you felt the counsellors in the past may not have done much good. Fair enough but the school will probably have a policy (indeed a duty) to act over and above the wishes/knowledge/consent of parents in any issues involving Child Protection. I’m British and that’s the case in the UK. Your daughter may even have personally preferred NOT to involve counsellors as she has YOU to talk to. However, she has already disclosed “there were some details that she left out when she told us, that she told DHS yesterday and police and court and charges will be in his future.” So talking to “strangers” about her experience at the hands of this abuser has actually revealed stuff you didn’t know about!

Abuse of this nature is a very PERSONAL ordeal to suffer – no 2 cases are alike so it cannot be addressed by a “one size fits all approach”.

Really hope you’ve ditched your “friend” now. Good luck for the future.

Michelle - posted on 02/09/2014

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I think most of the posters agree with you Sandy, just the OP doesn't. She thinks we are attacking her.

[deleted account]

Oh, excuse me, I have to sign off, I have a sudden urge to go protect a child...... bye for now.

[deleted account]

I have this sickening feeling in my gut, as if someone is saying "Oh, well we've all been molested so it's no big deal, I survived it, my other kids did too..... so, let's get to the REAL story- What are MY legal rights? MY FRIEND might get into trouble, doesn't the school realize MY FRIEND could get in trouble? Duh.... who's taking care of molested kid while worrying about drunk friend instead? And oh, by the way, it wasn't 'really' 'not quite' molestation, 'not really' because he was loaded....soooo maybe it doesn't count...."
Does anyone else's head feel like it's going to blow up, over this attitude?
HELLO? Doesn't someone realize that this can mess a kid up forever, even if you 'think' it didn't mess you up or the rest of all your precious female family members? Sexual abuse just seems so damn commonplace in this post- we're talking one mom, couple daughters, step daughters....what the hell is going on??? Usually it's a 'bit' more isolated than that. ??????
Who here thinks that we all take sexual abuse a little more seriously (as it should be) than Malita?
Usually we want to hang people that 'fondle' our girls, not make excuses for them.

Jan - posted on 02/09/2014

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You should be concerned about your daughter. Just tell the social workers exactly what happened. I think you and the friend used bad judgment, and I doubt from your spelling , that you are equipped to help your daughter really deal with what happened to her. Let the social workers do that. You can't have that friend over again around your daughter. Ever!

Mary - posted on 02/09/2014

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you need too sit down with your daughter just you and her and ask her straight what exactly happened as you cannot help her unless you know what went on, as for your friend he needs a good talking too and then tell him you cannot be his friend anymore as it is extremely important for your daughter to know you are on her side in this situation, the school im sure had to let you know what was going on as you are the parent but im sure the school has very strict policies to follow when things like this occur. And who exactly are you worrying about getting into trouble? if its your friend as a parent i would just cut the ties there no more risks or chances to be taken.

[momoftwo] - posted on 02/08/2014

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If it may help your daughter(s) open up a bit more and help you out maybe you all can go to a councilor. Maybe they will feel better if you are there and it may help you overcome what happened to you in the past as well.

I remember going to counseling when I was little for a completely different reason, but I remember feeling scared that my mom wasn't allowed in the room so I didn't really open up to the councilor when we were talking 1 on 1.

Malita - posted on 02/08/2014

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Keep reading there's more and I don't have to explain anything to you. God knows what what's going on and it is in His hands. So, God bless you.

[deleted account]

Fondling is molesting.
If you told the principal that 'things were working themselves out' or you are 'dealing with it', does he think you are getting counseling? Are you getting counseling? I'm just wondering if perhaps he thinks that you're not actually getting your daughter help. If the principal doesn't think you're getting your daughter help I'm sure he/she has a legal obligation to protect the child. If DHS may be coming to your home- what are you worried about? They are not the enemy. ARE you getting her help? The state has a right to protect children. If you're more worried about protecting your friend, that shouldn't be your priority. If an adult is fried on drugs or has Down's Syndrome it doesn't matter- it IS abuse. Your daughter will need help to work that out. She is already acting out (computer) and it can get much worse. Priority? Your daughter and the effects it had on her. Not priority- him.

Angela - posted on 02/08/2014

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The part of your post that "says it all" is the bit where you mention "plus we had a few beers that night".

Your "best friend" is your drinking buddy.

Your social get-togethers must NEVER come before your child's wellbeing.

What does your "best friend" bring to your life that you would miss so badly that you can whitewash his behaviour towards your child?

Or what has he got over you? Is he your boss? Do you depend on him for your job? Does he know something unsavoury or damaging about YOU?

He has crossed a line and not been a true "friend" to you at all. Please wake up and recognise that fact.

Malita - posted on 02/08/2014

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Pressing charges for sure. Because, there were some details that she left out when she told us, that she told DHS yesterday and police and court and charges will be in his future. I didn't think I needed to explain all the details but, I don't like being judged as a horrible mother who doesn't care about my children and just turn my back on things like this. This is one thing I don't play around with because, I didn't have anyone to talk to, because my birth mother abandonede when I was 10 yrs old. So, I had to figure all this out on my own. That's why I believe God put us all together. Because, I know how they feel and how not to deal with. My way!!! Drugs and alcohol.

Mari - posted on 02/08/2014

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That changes everything. The inside story, the way you have handled beasts in the past. DETAILS are everything. But please tell us you are no longer friends with the supposed best friend?! Have you pitied him, or did you contact the police? Or are you covering for family, by referring to the beast as a "best friend"
Family can be the worst offenders as you know first hand.

Malita - posted on 02/08/2014

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The porn thing on thing on the computer at school was a miss understanding. That's how all this came about. Her friend sent her a link on FB that sent her straight to YouTube and it was called sexy panda. It was a little panda dancing to the song I To Sexy For My Shirt. Well when she went to school she wanted to show her best friend. Well, needless to say it didn't pull up what she was expecting. It was a porn sight. She turned it off but, it flagged. But, I explained to my daughter that schools block YouTube. Which she didn't know. And I had to go to the school and explain the misunderstanding. Fo, it was not curiosity, it was an accident.

[momoftwo] - posted on 02/08/2014

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Are you going to press charges on your friend? I would because that's a sick move he pulled. I hope he gets arrested for sure. He damaged her trust and as a whole person forever.
As for her looking up pornography it's I don't know how to put it besides curiosity since she has now been opened up to a world of sexuality (the wrong way), if that makes sense?
But I really hope to god they will do whatever needs to be done to help overcome this and sorry you had to go through that same thing. No one deserves that child or adult. I imagine if there weren't such creeps out there suicide rates would go down for sure.
I know a little girl that's 5 years old, she's the sweetest little girl and a 14 year old boy got caught with his hand down her pants in her backyard and her screaming no. She's now truly torn apart, not the same and diagnosed with every single traumatic-type illness there is. She's now on medication and acting out, having night terrors on a regular basis and drawing pictures about it. God bless that little girl.
And I hope to god you and your children can overcome this too. It tears everyone apart.

Malita - posted on 02/08/2014

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Everyone wants the whole story? Here it is. Be prepaid for a book. I was molested at the age of 3-5 yrs old from my babysitters sons(which was sir pressed until I was 26). My dad mentally molested me by trying to watch me undress at night but, oldest caught him before anything was done, thank The Lord. The my oldest daughter who is now 24 yrs old, was molested by church members son and I handled it wrong. I sent her to counciling but, she wouldn't talk. It took her a year for her to open up to me. Then when she was 13-14, she was moledted again by a 28 yr old and I went straight to the police the next morning a pressed charges. He was arrested that day and now he is a red flagged level 4 registered sex offender. I have two step daughters. The oldest is now 13 and the youngest is 11, we had joint custody. One weekend, I noticed the oldest was acting out toward my child (the one we are having this discussion about), and I told my husband to keep an eye out on her, (she was only 7 at the time). Well, after comforting her and making her feel safe, she just started talking about all the things that was going on at her home with her mother. Needless to say, that Sunday when we went to take them back to their mothers, we told her she is not getting them back, we stayed with my dad and come Monday we filled for emergency custody. The girl were in counciling for over a year by themselves then as a family group. Now they, come to me about everything, because they know I will protect them. And about my daughter situation, it wasn't about the protection of my friend, it was I didn't know if they could question my daughter withou my consent. And that's all I was asking. DHS is involved and my daughter does not want counciling because she said she didn't want to talk to a stranger about this. That my mama went through this and she can help me get through it. So, for all of you that have put the target on my back and put the bounty on my head. This is the whole details of all the molestation in my house and how it was handled. So, this one was new to me and I just didn't know if I had the right to be there. Thank you for all feedback and pass judgement but, I hope this all gives you peace. May God bless all of you!!!

[momoftwo] - posted on 02/08/2014

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It seems like you're trying to find an excuse for your "best friend" for what he did. There is no excuse except for the fact he is a pervert.
If you can, I think we would all like to hear all details to your story because people ALWAYS pass judgement on what they read on here because we assume that's the whole story because what you have typed did make you look like the worst mother in the world, and the fact that all of your girls have been molested as well looks like you've failed your role as a parent and forever failed your girls because they will FOREVER be messed up by it. They need therapy not just counciling.
Going by what I read (without all of your details) the only right you have, is to remain silent.
If you stay friends with that monster of a "man" and don't get your daughters the security and help they need, you would then be just as bad as the pigs who touched them.
But I am curious about the rest of the story.

Samantha - posted on 02/08/2014

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From what you have said no one is placing judgement that isn't called for. All your daughters have been molested! Where have you been to protect them as your responsibility as a parent? Things like this don't work them self out. Obviously if you tell your 12 year old that it happened to you and you never had counselling she will feel she should do the same. Your children need some one to protect them so I hope they finally get that. You have failed in protecting them firstly by allowing them to get molested and even more so by not protecting them and doing everything afterwards to get the best help for them after.

Mari - posted on 02/08/2014

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You're handling this like a redneck hill billy. You have serious issues as will your children.

Malita - posted on 02/07/2014

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Thank you for your fedback. And another one passing judgement without all my details. I just wanted to know one simple question about if I was supposed to be notified and just gave a littler explanation and now I am the worst mother in the world. Well to be honest DHS has been called and yes all my kids have been molested and all differt was as I was. So, thank you once again for yor pass judgement. May God bleed you and I will pray for you on your judging others.

Jennifer - posted on 02/07/2014

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If it was my daughter, DHS would never have to be involved. I would have ripped the guys arms and legs off his body. You consider that a friend? What kind of mother allows All of her kids to be molested, especially when its happened to you? Makes me sick.

Michelle - posted on 02/07/2014

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Molesting is molesting, there's no excuse for it.
Maybe because it seems to happen to all the females in your family you accept it as normal, it's not at all.
I think you could all do with counselling so you can understand that there are tings you can do to prevent it happening as well as getting the monsters that prey on your family locked away.

I response to you asking about the school being able to talk to your daughter without you around, yes they can with something this serious.

Jodi - posted on 02/07/2014

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Actually, my statement wasn't passing judgement on you at all, simply pointing out the seriousness of the situation and asking if you had taken steps to have it dealt with (which you have never answered).

You want to know your rights? You have no rights here. If DHS determines you are not taking the appropriate steps to ensure the protection of ALL your children from their abusers, and getting them help, you will lose them and you will HAVE no rights. I'm not quite sure you are understanding that. I'm not judging, but I'm not seeing in your posts that you quite comprehend how serious this is. After all, it isn't just an allegation, there has been a crime committed here.

Sarah - posted on 02/07/2014

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I would do everything I could to protect my child even if it meant from a 'Best Friend'. I would have gone straight to the police and told my 'Best Friend' to never come near me or my children again. You are a mother and you have responsibilities to look after the well-being of your children. No matter what!!!! I would have done the same thing that the principal had done. For Heavens sake!! There are devastating effects from being molested. Do you really want your child to go through the rest of her life having trust issues and other issues from this situation without being counseled? Please stop being in denial and think of your child!!! Hope everything gets sorted out.

Malita - posted on 02/07/2014

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Once again, another passing judgement on just one statement, not knowing the all details. Thank you for your feedback. May God bless you and I will pray for you for on passing judgement on people that you don't know the whole situation. God bless.

[deleted account]

you have OTHER daughters molested!? Please for the love of God say you atleast had the people charged!

Malita - posted on 02/07/2014

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Well, to all that have their mind set that I am the most despicable parent to make excuses for my friend instead of protecting my daughter. Well, her is the story I was just talking to the principal as if her were a friend and mentioned it and didn't know that they could do that. I have been molested and all my other daughters have. It's just I never had to deal with a school before and I didn't know my rights. Thanks for your

Jodi - posted on 02/07/2014

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If DHS is involved, the counselling won't be an option.

And yes, the school has a legal obligation to report what they hear and can talk to her without your consent. They would have made this clear to her before she revealed the information - as a general rule, a mandatory reporter lets a child know that if they tell them something that is of concern they must report it. There is a high possibility your daughter revealed this information at school BECAUSE she wanted something done about it. If this man who molested her is still a friend of the family, she probably WANTS him dealt with, and she wasn't getting that support from you, so talking to someone at school was a way she could get help. You'd be surprised how many children her age know their rights, and know that a situation like this would get DHS involved.

[deleted account]

you need to step up and be a parent. What your "best friend" did is absolutely disgusting and by saying it was excusable then you are setting her up to believe she has no say in what happens to her body. What was illegal and unethical is what your friend did and you not getting her help and saying it will work its self out. Your daughter is lucky that her principal is caring about her enough to get her help.
And she was molested. To subject to unwanted or improper sexual activity. Stop the denial and get your daughter the counselling she needs.

Dove - posted on 02/07/2014

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I also have to add.... if she didn't want help she probably wouldn't have told the counselor anything... 12 year old kids are smarter than that.

Dove - posted on 02/07/2014

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OK. The answer to your question is no. If the school suspects abuse they can absolutely get involved w/out notifying the parents.... especially if they suspect the parent is involved somehow.

Of course she doesn't want to go to counseling... she is TWELVE and probably just wants to block the whole thing out. That's why she needs you to make choices that are in her best interest (by getting her help) whether she really 'wants' to or not.

If she is acting out... she needs help. Period.

Malita - posted on 02/07/2014

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Well, I'm sorry you feel sorry for that. She didn't want counseling because I was molested when I was a baby and I gave her that choice. And you can feel sorry for my daughter all you want and thank you for your putty but, I just wanted to know if the school was supposed to call me first before questioning my daughter. That was it. And I am so happy you all can take something so little as that and slam a parent down. But, thank you for your feedback and may God bless you. And I'll pray for you on passing judgment on people

Jennifer - posted on 02/07/2014

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I hate to say it... but you are making excuses for someone doing something to your daughter that is unexceptable. You need to remove that person from your life. Seizure, medication, whatever.... this is your daughter. Is it worth it happening again. I am sure the school sees it the same way and that is why they are calling in help. Please don't make excuses. Get your daughter the help she needs before its too late. Obviously, she is acting out because of it. Making excuses, is not "dealing with it". Let her get counseling. Protect your baby!!

Angela - posted on 02/07/2014

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Counselling isn't harmful to anyone. Perhaps your "best friend" who fondled your daughter might also benefit from some counselling?

Good luck to your daughter in overcoming her issues which have come about from a trusted family friend breaching and exploiting that trust.

The porn curiosity is more common than you'd imagine with adolescents but there could well be a link - the counsellor may be able to throw more light upon it.

I'm not judging you, by the way. I'm questioning your reaction to this situation which has arisen at her school.

You're right in that we don't know the full story. I hope you can get some satisfaction and resolution from this issue.

Malita - posted on 02/06/2014

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I appreciate your comment but, I'm not trying to protect anybody but, my child. And you can sit there and judge me all you want but, you don't know the whole situation and I didn't feel it necessary to explain all the details. But, thank you for feedback. God bless you.

Dove - posted on 02/06/2014

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Good for him!! I sure hope someone gets your daughter the help she desperately needs cuz it doesn't sound like you care at all about what happened to her... since you've made excuses for the guy who did it, didn't report it, and don't want her receiving counseling. I feel so bad for your daughter. :(

Jodi - posted on 02/06/2014

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The school is actually legally obligated to report this situation, and has the right to involve the school counsellor, so no, it wasn't legal and unethical. If anything, I'd be incredibly concerned that you are brushing this aside like you are. Regardless of his state of mind, this person fondled a minor and that is sexual abuse. Are you seriously asking what your rights are in a situation that involves your child's sexual abuse so you can continue to protect this person who abused her? Desperate Mom from Oklahoma about what? Desperate to help your daughter? Or desperate to make sure your friend doesn't get in trouble? The seriousness of this is, you could lose your daughter if you are going to start chanting about your rights because they will see that you are brushing this under the carpet like it is just and every day thing that doesn't need the counsellor.

Just for the record, I would have reported it too.

Malita - posted on 02/06/2014

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Thank you. Because, I have been reading the laws on councilor's on and couldn't understand or get any answers. But, yes that was very helpful. I appreciate.

Angela - posted on 02/06/2014

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They need to get the 12 year old's own perspective on it all. The parents' word is not good enough. Your "best friend" despite his health problems and the side effects of his meds, crossed a line when he fondled your child. The fact you're making excuses for him might mean you're seen as an "enabler" by the authorities.

Your child is far more important than your best friend. If you're bending over backwards to make allowances for him, she might not like it that he's so easily been forgiven but feels like she can't say so when she's up against him, you & possibly her father as well - all on the same side.

I understand that he's acted strangely - CRIMINALLY - whilst under the influence of prescription medication and also the illness itself. But she's still entitled to protection.

Sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear.

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