My 13 year old daughter is texting a boy from school should I allow it?

Dayana - posted on 01/01/2013 ( 15 moms have responded )

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My daughter recently started receiving text messages from a boy in her gifted class that she happens to likes. He texted her every morning in my cell phone since she does not have any of her own. The conversations are friendly but lately becoming a bit mellow he tell her babe and I love you. I monitored all the messages and as soon as this happened I confronted my daughter and explained our rules and expectations of her. She asked me if i wanted her to tell him to stop calling her those names. I agreed, but soon discovered she erased some text messages from him calling her babe. I got really mad at her and discontinued the texting for a week. I also texted the kid telling him that my daughter was not allowed to date until she is older and if he wanted to continued the relationship needs to refrain from treating each other as other than friends. In a way I am glad to know she likes boys but I am scared she can get in to a relationship behind my back. Please give me some advice I also have and 11 year old who is watching and sensing everything and don't want to sound permissive. My husband sat down with her and explained everything from a man perspective.

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Evelyn - posted on 01/02/2013

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I respect your rules and age for dating. But if you wait until she is 18, how is she going to have date for prom or other such important things. She is going to look forward to that. The dress, the hair and makeup that go with it. I have been down this road. My daughter was allowed to date at 16. She remained a good girl and student all the rest of the way to the graduation from high school. I took her and her date to the prom and then picked them up when they called me. They had no chance to go to the hotel room as it was done at the local convention center.

What I am trying to say is that what do you plan to do when she gets to the age of proms and dances or other activities and boys start to ask her to go?

Ariana - posted on 01/02/2013

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You know, you might want to change the 'no dating' rule to having it so she can only go on 'group dates'. If you don't give her some leeway with this boy (who she obviously likes) she may decide to date him at school without you knowing about it. At least if you say, you can't have a steady boyfriend right now, but you can go on group dates and hang around him and things then it's like you're putting limits on something you know she's showing interest in.

Just a thought.

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T - posted on 12/10/2013

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Getting mad will isolate her from you and she'll keep more secrets than include you in her life. Probe, do not get angry, put your emotions in check. The goal is to guide her on how to get people to treat her with respect, not make her feel like she's doing something wrong. If you have confidence in what you can teach her getting angry will only make her hide things from you. Be her sounding board. I know what you are going through and trust me I wanted to punch the boy that made my daughter cry, but instead I gave her a hug and said, "cry it out baby, get it all out of your system." It's better to know and help her feel safe then threatened and her to keep secrets from you.

Evelyn - posted on 01/02/2013

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I understand that too. Your family is from a different background than mine though we share a lot of the same things in values. I am so glad to meet someone that is like this because there are not a lot that are so caring about their kids. Kudos to you and your family!

Dayana - posted on 01/02/2013

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I totally understand your point and we are aware that by the time of prom she would be near 18 and she would be allowed to go with a friend just like you said and have time to get to meet him with out any rush.. I went to prom with my male best friend and don't necessary a boyfriend. by 15 she would be able to dress up and were makeup like any other quinceanera. you can enjoy life in a safe way and still go out with friends. when you date at 16 by 18 or so must likely the boys would try pressure her to have sex because they are tired of just being girlfriend and boyfriends. I learned that from experience in the family and friends that happens to be in the same situation.

Dayana - posted on 01/02/2013

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Yes we have set an age for dating 18. And we have sat with both of them and explained why teenage girls should wait until later to get into a relationship. But she said that a lot of girls in school are having boyfriend and their parents allow them to have it. I also explained to her we are different and we have moral values and rules in our family and that they most comply them as long as they live under our roof and depends on us. A lot of these girls are already having sex with their boyfriends too. I do not want her burning stages and there is always time for all that; she needs to focus on her school and her grades. I don't mind her liking boys it is natural and is fun but everything with measure this is not time for dating she definitely not prepare emotionally neither physically and I don't know about you, but I think most of those girls hanging with boyfriends so early would not even finish school because of pregnancy or poor grades. I don't want that for her. Thank you!

Evelyn - posted on 01/02/2013

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I would think that being just as school and in a classroom that they would not have opprotunity to do much of anything but talk until teachers call for class to start. You seemed to have addressed the problem. You are the first parent I have heard of that has not gotten their kids a cell phone. I know too many who have gotten their kids phones. Even my own son does not have one and does not want one. I would keep open communication all the time. Have you set the age she is allowed to date? Does she know this? And have you and her father set up rules concerning the dating?

Dayana - posted on 01/02/2013

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yes, so do her father, she seems to understand and like I said so far they haven't text anymore. my concern is at school. They are together in almost all classes. I take her to school 5 minutes before the bell rings and I also pick her up every day when school is over. I hope this would be over but still concerns me. Please include me in your prayers!

Jerina - posted on 01/02/2013

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Have you talk with her about this, or explain to her how you feel? Meaning letting her know your concerns, and just maybe this is not ok that this just may need to stop.

Dayana - posted on 01/02/2013

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Thank you Jerina,
none of my daughters have cell phone, neither they take my phone to school. This situation started during Christmas vacation they text each other when she is at home.

Jerina - posted on 01/02/2013

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You can always block texting during school hours. (Onlly a suggestion). For me, texting during school hours is not ok. That is not her purpose of going to school. She is easily distracted.

Dayana - posted on 01/02/2013

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Before starting to Middle school I sat with both of my girls and explained everything about sex, choices and consequences even make a sex questioner to make sure they fully understand everything from A to Z. I showed them videos of teen age pregnancy, abortion, STDS, AIDS. and finalize with the importance of sex abstinence until marriage. As for the kid, I know him from school he is a decent guy and have good grades. As for their conversation in the phone looks like he have similar values and regulations at home. She agrees with us at all time she is not dis- respectful in any way. she seems to comprehend but still I discontinued all kind of testing with the kid to let it cool down . He hasn't text her since. I am an stay home mom and take my daughters to school 5 minutes before the ring bell and always pick them up at the front gate after school so the only time they would see each other is at class and in lunch. I already told my daughter sometimes this year I would make a surprise teachers parents conference to get a feed back from all of her teachers. Both of my girls are together in the same school they see each other at lunch and I always ask my younger one about her sisters behavior in lunch to find out any abnormal behavior but so far is good. I appreciate your advice and hope any other Mon who happen to going through the same situation could comment. thank you Dove , God bless you and your family.

Dove - posted on 01/01/2013

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Having her have to use your cell phone is a pretty good way to monitor the situation... Though I'd be letting her know that there will be NO deleting messages... if it's not something she's comfortable with you seeing... it shouldn't be happening at 13.

How full of a sex education have you given her? If you haven't already discussed EVERYTHING... I'd start now. If you have... it may be time for a 'refresher course'.

Calling her babe and saying 'I love you' already at 13 would definitely have me worried about this relationship. Have you met him yet?

I do have a 'no dating' rule until 16... which my 11 year old is already fully aware of, but... yikes. I'm not ready for this!

What does she say when you (and your husband) talk to her about it?

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