My 13 year old daughter went and slept at a guys house?

Rylan - posted on 01/17/2013 ( 129 moms have responded )

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My 13 year old daughter went and stayed at a guy's house. I never knew until after the fact that she did it. Should I trust her anymore? What should I do? It has already been about 4 months.

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Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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Sorry, she is 13, she doesn't GET to go places on her own. The lie she told you was a BIG one. If she isn't prepared to discuss it, then she doesn't get privileges. Period. If she wants you to trust her judgement and treat her in a way that gives her responsibilities, then she needs to step up and discuss it like a young adult. Sulking and complaining indicates to me that she is not yet mature enough to be a responsible young lady. So I would be treating her that way. She needs to understand that her behaviour tells you that she can't handle the responsibility.

When you can see that she fully accepts responsibility for her poor decisions, THEN you can start considering trusting her. But right now, all I am hearing is she is acting like a sulking child, and therefore, I would be treating her as such. She certainly doesn't sound like she is owning her behaviour but rather, blaming you for your response to it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/18/2013

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Ok, first, how can you NOT know where your kid is, she's only 13. You didn't call and confirm her story, that's your bad. She spent the night at some guy's house, and his parents didn't know she was there? Yeah, right.

1) ALWAYS confirm with the other parents where your kid is gonna be. I do, and my youngest is 15.

2) I NEVER take my kids word for anything, and I trust my kids! But I also know that they are capable of not giving me the full details at times, so I question everything.

That behaviour, ALL of her behaviour was unacceptable. YOu say that she's never lied to you. Well, I hate to be brutally blunt, my dear, but I'm willing to bet the child's been lying to you about things for years, and this is the first time you caught her at it. NO kid will try the "i'm staying at such & so's house" excuse and then sneak over to their boyfriend's on their first lying experience. It just doesn't happen that way. Trust one who DID that to her parents...other lies come first. That one is a BIG one.

The answer to your question is that you can't trust your daughter. Period. She'd better spend a long time working back into that position of trust. A long, slow period. I'd say that slowly, with work, you could begin to give her limited freedom in another 3 or 4 years.

Now, you say it's been four months. Have you had her checked for diseases? Infections? Sorry, hon, but her just telling you that she's not had sex won't cut it. Remember? You can't trust her, and she's going to say anything she can to get you off her back at this point. A doctor's visit and full gynecological exam is a must at this point. Not an option there at all.

She's surly and won't open up? Because she lied and got caught. Too bad. She needs to open up for you to trust her.

I suggest counseling. for both of you. I also suggest that you get into the habit of keeping closer tabs on your kids, or you're going to either be going to a funeral or a birthing within a few years.

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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They contacted you the next day because they allowed your daughter to stay over? Or because they didn't know either? How old is this guy, did they have sex? I think you need to talk to your daughter, and absolutely make it clear to her you no longer trust her. Trust needs to be earned, and she has not earned it, not even close. From now on, everywhere she goes, you drop her off and pick her up. She goes nowhere without you knowing exactly what she is doing, and without her having adult supervision.

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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Ah, is this the same daughter who lied to you about where she was? You are now trusting that she is being truthful?

To be honest, you can't change what has happened, but you CAN put measures into place now to ensure it doesn't happen again. I would suggest you focus on that. She has proven to you she can't be trusted, so you need to treat her that way.

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2013

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And you just took her word for it and didn't have any contact with the parents of the friend? She's 13......you should at least have confirmed with the parents of this friend that she had been invited over.

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129 Comments

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Helen - posted on 02/17/2013

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Hi Ryan, most of the post are great advice.

Kids push to see where the limits are. That is a good thing because we don't wait them taking no risk (healthy risk that is; new class, make new friends, go to sleep away camp). It is natural to get independent. It is not good to have them do whatever because it will come back to bit you and them in the butt...

Goals, Rules, Limits, Boundaries and Consequences are the key at every age. Kids have no really idea what the really consequences are for their actions. Having sex, yes you will likely get pregnant and worst could get an STD that can affect you for the rest of your life and possibly others. Spending money poorly will get you in debt.

It wouldn't get any easier if you are not strong and set Consequences for their Actions. Be firm, constant and gentle. They will remember your actions to help them. It will show how you treat them.

Check out this book.. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen...And Listen So Kids Will Talk.

You can DO IT!!! You are the Best Mother for your kid!! =)

I had to add this link on 21 Creative Consequences. Their are some good ones. LOL
http://www.imom.com/parenting/tweens/par...

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parentin...

Beth - posted on 02/17/2013

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I Worry Rylan is getting nailed to the fence post here .. it is hard when things are in such a vol ital state. I think Rlyan needs to be strong and be in charge here too! Just don't sound so hostile, She needs our support while we encourage her to be strong .. Rylan you must stay strong to help your daughter. What Jody said should be read daily, maybe hourly, your daughter is manipulating you .. she must earn her trust and more freedom.

Brooke - posted on 02/17/2013

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Susan... It's likely that she knew it wasn't appropriate. Kids rebel... Often and frequently, starting when they're small. This parent needs your advice, not your questioning.

Kelly - posted on 02/17/2013

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How far from your home did she go to stay at this person's home. Wonder how that person's parents reacted. While she may have stayed at his parents home, i m sure she slept on the couch or in another spare bed room or so.

How many other kids were there or was it just her and i m sure his parents were home. Was it a weeknight or on a Friday into Saturday, Sat into Sunday?

Were they working on a school project? did you ever meet that kids parents
.
I think you can trust her and should. Wondering why she waited so long to tell you as 4 months is quite a while and then wonder what made her bring it up now

Brooke - posted on 02/17/2013

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Note... Posting from my phone and noticed quite a few typos there. Apologies.

Brooke - posted on 02/17/2013

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My children are still little, but I do remember back to when I was 14 and told my mom that I was staying with a girlfriend and slept with my boyfriend. She I'd the not trusting, searching my tuff, and often berating me approach. It just made me rebel more. Not being at that point yet, I can't say that I've done this, but as a teacher of teens and a teen once who did these things, I would limit thhe away from home opportunities and open the door to more teenage get together a in my own home, where I could be there to observe.

Susan - posted on 02/17/2013

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My first thought is why did your daughter even think that would be appropriate ?
No you shouldn't trust her to make judgements and you should inspect constantly where her where abouts are at all times

I say you have a heart to heart talk about your values and morals
I have had no problem discussing all subjects w my children
I started w them at a young age so it is now normal to them
My 15 year old has. No problem discussing hard subjects including sexual and so forth
Hope this helps

Lee - posted on 02/17/2013

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I don't know that there is too much more to say that hasn't been covered. I really don't understand the concept of not knowing exactly where your kid is (or whether someone is in your house that isn't usually!) When I was a kid, sleep over arrangements were VERIFIED with parents. Always. Parents had a network and kept track of each other's kids... it was very much the attitude of "it take's a community to raise a child." This is the tact I am taking with my child as well.

I also don't believe for a second that they weren't up to something sexual. Keep in mind that kids today don't consider anything that is not penis-in-vagina as sex. And yes--it includes the first thing you thought of. Kids this age are curious and hormonal, a very challenging combination. Take her to see a gyno, have her evaluated. That will answer your questions about that. She should have been going to see one by puberty anyway.

Good luck. Teen age girls are challenging. You're gonna have to kick up your mom skills a notch, start networking with her friends' parents, steeling yourself against the pouting, and keep trying to communicate.

Crystal - posted on 02/17/2013

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Jodi may be on par with her suggestions, but her approach leaves A LOT to be desired.

I would never consider berating a woman reaching out for help in a case like this. But that's me, I tend to think we ALL make mistakes and ALL parents make mistakes in rearing their children, there is not 1 single perfect soul walking this planet so less degrading/belittling and downright berating lashings would go much further.

When I was 13 (the year I started getting into shit), my gf and I pulled this exact stunt. I told my parents I was staying at her place and she told her parents (she was 15) she was staying at mine. She had her folks drop her off and as far as my parents were concerned I was going with them back. Considering it was the evening, it was dark out, I just called out when they arrived and said my goodnights, they did not come to the door to watch me walk to the car and get in, they had no reason not to trust me at that point. We stayed out ALL night. We did get busted the next day however and I was so scared to go home and face the music I avoided (they called it running away) going home for 2 weeks. The worst time I can ever remember in my youth. But it was a big mistake and I paid for it and learned from it.

Kids can be rather clever and manipulative.

Jacquie - posted on 02/17/2013

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The first thing you need to do as soon as possible is have a sit down and explain the dangers of HIV, STDs and pregnancy. Give her all the info and facts. It seems she is way ahead of your game and try to be the first to give her the facts, worst case scenario, at least you tried. If she wont listen, buy her a book on the topics, last case scenario, get someone else to talk to her about these facts.

Secondly, I no longer allowed my daughter to sleep overs after she turned 12....... instead, I told her to invite her friends over, it worked very well and now she is 18 and its an understood matter in the home.

Ann - posted on 02/17/2013

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You are not her friend, you are her parent, and parent have rules. Let her know it wasn't alright and she should never do that again, ever! You will probably have to take a firm-hard line with her but it will be well worth it in the long run, as she will learn boundries and you won't have a constant hassle with 'rules'.

Peggy - posted on 02/17/2013

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First I would not allow a 13 year old to be anywhere at night that I had not checked on first. As far as trust, I think that went out the window. What is done is done, but you need to have a talk with her to let her know that you know about it and she will have to earn your trust and it could take a long time. Parents need to monitor and double check everything their kids are doing.

Sarah - posted on 02/17/2013

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Hi Rylan, I am sorry your daughter did this to you and that she is reacting with such a bad attitude. I do want to encourage you to be her mom and NOT her friend at this point. Your job is to protect your daughter and with 1 in 4 carrying an STD or STI these days this is no small thing. And you want to protect her heart. My mom was a tyrant and I HATED her for it. She was up in my business and never trusted me. And you know what? Now that I'm a mom myself I totally get it. My mom and I battled like crazy when I was a hormonal teenager but now that I'm an adult she truly is one of my BEST friends. Your daughter will thank you one day for keeping her safe. Until then, do not give her any privacy. You need to keep tabs on her. Teenagers are so shortsighted and feel invincible. It is flattering when older girls (and boys) pay attention to you and your daughter could end up doing things she will regret. So be all over her biz and if she doesn't like it...tough. It isn't your job to make your daughter like you. It is your job to keep her safe.

Gammie - posted on 02/17/2013

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As a parent, grandparent, teacher, and counselor, I have to agree with Jodi's comments. The big issue will be how to invoke positive change. "Grounding" seldom works because the child will exercise her independence to the max -- and will be more apt to defy you. Boundaries and parameters need to be clearly defined. What do you expect from her -- and what does she expect from herself? Every child processes this type of information differently -- so what works for one child is not necessarily the answer for another. Would the boy's parents be willing to come over and all of you sit down and speak together? Are you comfortable talking about all aspects of sexual response and arousal -- as well as STD's with your daughter? There are a number of books for girls that are set up in diary format, where young girls can answer questions regarding their values and ideals -- and in the process help them clarify what is truly important to them. Is your daughter involved in school activities? Music, sports, or art oriented extra-curricular programs? She needs something more powerful than the power of sexual attraction and attention she gets from her boyfriend -- and that is difficult to compete with! Is there an older family member (female) or family friend that can talk with her and act as a mentor?......Your daughter is sorting out lots of decisions, ideas, hormonal issues, and is being confronted with her own emotional and cognitive development. Not an easy task at any age. Let her know you love her; that you are there for her; but be firm and consistent in your expectations. The difficult thing for you to grasp is, that in one form or another, your 13 year old daughter is sexually active. That's not the end of the world -- but she will need to understand her personal responsibilities and how this impacts her life (and possibly the lives of others).........Good luck.......

C - posted on 02/17/2013

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Diana Smith, thank you. It would have been easier at any moment to just give in, but its not the job of a parent to do what's easy. I thought I could trust my daughter because she was honor roll, did volunteer work, helped with her siblings, was smart, ambitious, kind and sweet. Wow!! Was I shocked! My daughter is back on track and stays there because it is what she wants for herself. It certainly would have made no difference to put her on lock like I did if she did not want to be better than the choices she made. Sometimes she struggles with knowing what situations she was in, but I remind her that if she had not gone through that darkness she may not have decided to help others by wanting a career in the medical field working with at risk youth. she has a deep understanding and empathy because of those very same experiences. Turning that negativity into empowerment.

Tabitha - posted on 02/17/2013

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I agree with the some of the people above. She does need to be on lock down for awhile. You never know what is actually going on in their heads. I know it hurts that she is not talking to you right now, but it is better than becoming a grandma at a young age. I also suggest that you make sure she knows you still love her. Even though she is on lock down that does not mean that she can not do things with the family, and if she has a friend that you trust, letting that friend come over. There is no reason for a 13 year old to be hanging out with older girls. Usually the only reason why older girls hang out with the younger ones is because they know they can talk them into doing what the older girls want them too do. I know we all want to trust our children and want to think they wont do the things that we see other teens do. But the sad fact is that they do. You will find a happy medium soon enough. But giving in too quickly will just cause her to not take you seriously. If she sees that she can throw a fit like this and you change how you feel, you will have more problems with her later on in her teen years. I know it seems like people are attacking you, but I don't think they are, honestly I think everyone is just worried. Sit down with her whether she likes it or not and just lay on some ground rules and let her know you still love her. Do not approach it with a negative attitude, approach it positively. You do not want to back down though. It has been 4 months, but remember this is just four months of the rest of her life and what you do know can make or break how she treats you in the future. Keep the line of communication open, and work on the trust but at the same time she does have to earn it back. You will be happier in the long run. Especially in a couple of years when she comes home instead of going to a party that her friends were going too go. My dad was that way and I learned to trust him and talked to him about everything and I in the long run made better choices.

SUSAN - posted on 02/17/2013

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The issue is beyond the Act but why she felt she couldn't tell you before. As a parent of 4 daughters 3 of whom r now over 21yrs, I can definitely say bring her closer to you. Remove the focus from what she did and concentrate on gaining her trust. Remember not to judge but listen first , best wishes x

Cassie - posted on 02/17/2013

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I have a son who is 18 so here is my two cents. At some point you found out and surely you two talked about what did and did not happen. You need to make her talk to you again. How? Listen to her. Listen to her tell her side of things, her perception of things. Come up with ways she can earn your trust. This is the hard part. What you do is going to be different than what everyone else would do because its YOU. If you don't come up with ways for her to feel you trust her, she will feel alienated and angry that you never gave her the chance. Plus, if you aren't talking to her and vise-versa how can you avoid something like this (or worse) happening again? So tell her you need to talk. Tell her it's important. Tell her you love her. And no, this isn't going to be easy. Parenting is hard work. I work with kids and teens all day whose biggest problem is they have too much freedom and no accountability nor responsibility. Lay out the rules for your home to her clearly. Lay out the consequences if she chooses to break them. Lay out the groundwork for her telling you the truth if she does make a mistake and come to you about it. Lay out the consequences to any lying. And give her opportunities every day to talk to you and earn your trust. The last part, actually following through... is the toughest part but without that your words will have meant nothing because she has to trust you mean what you say. Trust and communication goes both ways!!

Charlane - posted on 02/17/2013

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Shut her down!!! Keep her home ..... All privileges taken away for at least 6 to. 9 weeks.... Raised six girls .... Don't let this go ..... She can't think of herself so lowly .... She has to be one who can wait .....

Reta - posted on 02/17/2013

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I would never trust her again and I would make sure I knew where she was at all times. My girlfriends 13 year old got pregnant because she was going to see a boy while her mother worked. Also, how old was the guy because most boys her age aren't allowed to have girls spend the night. If it was man, you should have called the police.

Liz - posted on 02/17/2013

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Let's stop bashing Jodi, okay? Take a chill pill. There's a difference between disagreement, incredulity at a situation or a response and out and out rudeness.

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I believe it is time to have a upfront and personal talk with your daughter And since I do not know the dynamics of yalls relationship it's entirely Up to you whether you can trust her again or not. I would make sure during the talk you let her know that lying will not be tolerated and that they will be consequences the next time she does so. Teenagers are very hard and very difficult But it's always best to keep the lines of communication open between the two of y'all. I wish you luck:)

Maria - posted on 02/17/2013

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Well now you are not the first parent this has happened to and I can assure you that you won't be the last. It will be very difficult for you to trust your daughter for some time. However you must try to overcome too much suspicion as the more you hound her the more she will distance herself from you. Try to gain her confidence try to be open with her, talk to her about boys, relationships, have a laugh and a joke with her about your own time at her age (or maybe when you were a little older) encourage her to invite her friends home both girls and boys. It is a very difficult time for both a parent and a teenager. Its all very well people having a go at you, but its done now and you will have learned from this experience. You must move forward. You must explain nicely to her that what she did was wrong. She will learn to be open with you if you take the right approach. You must check where she is going and who she is with and if necessary do check with other parents, this can be done discreatly if you go about it the right way. Good luck for the future.

Samantha - posted on 02/17/2013

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its your child you have to protect her, get her to talk to her, she wants to have a boyfriend but you have to be strong and give her rules to follow, i used to lie to my parents but if i had to be in by 9 i made sure i was, what ever she wants to do she will do it, just be there for her, buy some condoms etc and put them in her draw, and write her a note saying im here for you and she will talk

Patricia - posted on 02/17/2013

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Each child is born with their own personality.... at 13 I dont recall my daughter even thinking about doing that....but you as the parent has the right to say NO....my daughter is 21 now and believe me our personalities clashed..... up until she was 20....You will always be her mother and you need to look at the big picture....what if you dont say it...that is the sign that it is ok to do it again....even thou they might not be doing sex....and just maybe he is just a good friend.(hopefully is was 13 also..)...you have to hope that what she is doing now would happen at a later age......If you can't talk to her...because believe me teenagers know everything..lol...Have a good friend of yours talk to her....Their is ways of getting around a conversation on a positive note.......Say..I saw a old classmate at the store the other day....(because if you say someones name that they know they will be mad at them) and she said that she thought she saw you at .....???.......and you said really......Always tell your kids that you have alot of people that know you and dont try to do anything that you think you will get away with...because it will come back to you...and the story might be twisted....Girls will do that.,,,,,They can be really mean...
OR you could read some of the answers on this and maybe she will understand.....that you are really upset about this......and didnt know until she read this...Good Luck...It is hard raising kids..But we all get thru it....But it also called tough love....and trust me in 10 years it would even be a problem...because there will be other things that will happen...
One more thing...have her call you from the Home phone #of where she is at.. from now on until SHE defines the word TRUST and RESPONSIBILTY.....Wow everything I just typed is like Dejavue...LOL...But it will get better...stay positive and try to still be a great parent..................

Patricia - posted on 02/17/2013

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You can start to trust her when she earns it. Let her know you still ove her and that's why you were worried. Also tell her she disappointed you and that if she wants to go with friends she has to earn trust otherwise she only leaves with you.

Patricia - posted on 02/17/2013

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Why weren't you aware of where your 13 year old daughter was?
My kids never left home without my knowing where they were and who was there.
They knew that if what they said didn't sound right, I would go where they were and check. My kids never left home after dark.

Katie Lee - posted on 02/17/2013

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I remember when I used to pull the same thing with my Dad. He had no reason why he should call my friend's parents to ask if I was going there at 13. When he found out I was not at the friends house but out roaming the streets he was furious. This is what he did: I was grounded for 1 month from going anywhere without him. When that was over he would drop me off at a friends house and talk to parents or I couldn't go at all. He got me a cell phone and if I didn't answer he would come get me. If I wasn't where I was supposed to be I got grounded again which I never did because I just didn't lie anymore after that.

Sue - posted on 02/17/2013

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More to the point, why do you think she didn't tell you in the first place? That would be what I would be asking myself? I have a 15yr old and a 10yr old daughter. We have a open an honest relationship. Never had this situation arise. However I have recently had a situation wher my eldests daughter's boy friend asked her to have sex with him. She made me very proud by saying " NO".

Pauline - posted on 02/17/2013

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First of all I would get a pregnancy test. The reason she lied is more the answer to your question. Second I would find out how old the boy is and ask his parents why they thought it was ok to do this, third she has lied once and will more then Likely do it again. Trust has to be earnt .

Jodi - posted on 02/17/2013

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"Jodi, calm down. Rylan made a mistake and came on here for advice, not to be bullied. "

Who is bullying Rylan? And who isn't calm? I was actually responding to someone else referring to people as psychotic, quite calmly. But thanks for your concern ;P

Judi - posted on 02/17/2013

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Since it happened 4months ago and you just found out it probably isn't the only time. You'll have to explain to her your trust is weak now and put in place consequences if she doesn't tell the truth and stick to the consequences.

Diane - posted on 02/17/2013

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I'd put her on the pill. If she's not sexually active, good for you. If she is, you have your bases covered, partially. I learned the hard way that nagging your teens to use condoms, or to abstain, doesn't work. Even if you think all the oober religious families out there are perfect, trust me, the statistics show us that they have as many teen pregnancies as everyone else.

R - posted on 02/17/2013

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Oh yeah, and don't beat yourself up or allow others to beat you up emotionally. It is easy to sneak around when you're a kid (that doesn't mean it's not easy to get caught). Kids learn from each other, TV, and from the times when they do get caught. Kids can ditch school, sneak out of a sleep-over, "join" a sport or club, or even sneak out of your house. Unless you're using meth, you will need to sleep at some point, so you need to work on rebuilding a trusting relationship.

R - posted on 02/17/2013

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You both need to work on trusting each other. You can try doing a contract, something like: for the next month you cannot do anything, for 2 weeks after that, you must check in every hour and I must talk to an adult, no sleep overs...etc. Then you have a clear and established understanding. She is at an age where rational thought and reasoning are important. Be clear, open, and honest with her.

Unfortunately, as much as you want to keep her locked up, she will eventually be in a situation that requires her to use her own decision making process, so discuss this, too. For example, you do not want her to spend the night at the house of a boy because it is easy to get carried away with feelings and act in a way that she wouldn't otherwise act, even though you know she is an inherent good girl.

Starting sexual activity at a young age puts her at a higher risk for contracting infections, including HPV, which can stay with her forever and even increase the chances of cervical cancer or the contraction of other STDs. Discuss why she should choose abstinence (don't forget the emotional connection and feelings issues), but also contraception options. Birth control pills are nice and can help with acne, if she suffers from it (and they do not affect the fertility or growth/development - some studies suggest it protects fertility until you are ready).

Good luck! Raising a child never gets easier, it only get more nerve racking.

Diana - posted on 02/17/2013

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Marcia... the pill is not the answer! It goes deeper than just getting pregnant! That truly upsets me. Whatever happened to abstinence, and respecting your body? This is where I believe it is crucial to keep God in your life.

CV... wow! I imagine your daughter's behavior warranted your punishment. And I am impressed that you were as strong as you were with her. I am sure it was not easy, especially to start. But the fact is that it changed her for the better. Often times, it is experience that parents need to listen to. It may not be exactly what would work for every parent, but there is definitely a lesson to be learned from your experience.

Ida - posted on 02/17/2013

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To all the moms other there, teenage is a time for great exploration and fun. However, we have a responsibiltiy to direct our children, While they have adult bodies they are children. We must establish rules they they will follow during this time as it sets the foundation for their entire life. When I wrote he book, K.I.S.S. Begins at Home, I was accused of being old fashioned. But I am not.

I believe we are not our children's friends but their parents. Parents make tough decisions and set boundaries. They will challenge the boundaries but we must adhere to them at all cost. As a single parent I raised a set of twins who are sophomores in college. Did they get on my nerves? Sure they did, but I never deviated from my rules and consequently they and their friends always had a safe haven.

Now I am not advocating parents as jerks. I believe one can instill values and morals and be fun. family traditions like board game night, movie night etc bond children and their friends to you as mom. They open the window for discussion.

Ida - posted on 02/17/2013

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Maybe I am old school but my children at 13 did not go anywhere I did not drop them off.How does a 13 year visit a boy's house and the mother does not know?

Molly - posted on 02/17/2013

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I remember being 13 and sleeping at a guys house. It was a party, nothing happened really. We mostly just hungout with a bunch of people. But it definitely led to partying and sex later in my teens.
I wish someone would have put their foot down and told me NO. Maybe offered alternatives to keep me busy like sports or an art class.
Overall, if you haven't talked to her or grounded her or told her about WHY its not okay to stay with a guy alone in his house, you should.
No one ever had that talk with me, my mom just ignored my behavior and wished for the best.
I turned out great, but I didnt shape up until I hit 18.
13-17 was a freaking nightmare for my family.
The lies will only continue if you let this one slip, and they WILL begin to grow. Good luck!

Diana - posted on 02/17/2013

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First off, my oldest is 14. Nothing happens without me knowing where she is at all times. So, your first task is to learn from YOUR mistakes and keep stronger tabs on your daughter (and other children if you have any). Children know that you love them when you care about what they are doing and where they are. Explain to her that trust and respect are earned... That you love her and don't want anything to happen to her. Frankly I think you need to scare her with the possibilities. I don't think she has grasped the gravity of the situation.

Secondly, I do believe that there is the possibility that she did have sex or at the very least fooled around. If she waited to tell you about it, could that mean that she was waiting to find out if she was pregnant before she broke the news to you? This all sounds very suspicious. If she fooled around (a very strong possibility) then the temptations of sex aren't far behind.

Seek counseling. Don't let her friends get in your way. She will seek support from people that will tell her what she wants to hear. So, get between her and that kind of advice. Obviously the crowd she is around is not trustworthy. So be proactive. You are not her friend. You are her mother. She will hate you, but you now need to take greater charge. That means she goes nowhere without you or a trusted adult. I want to point out that she should know that she can earn your trust back. She needs to see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, don't make it too easy for her to do that. Children can probably outlast their parents when it comes to this.

I agree a lot with Jodi. So I will try not to reiterate. However, one thought that came to mind... Does she have a strong father figure in her life? Girls who lack this tend to try to find love early in life. Frankly, this may be a point that should be discussed with a counselor. And I do believe that having a strong religious life in the family will help all if you as well. Find God. His love and support will get you through this. Church youth group sponsored events are a great place for her to start to make friends that will support both of you.

Elsa - posted on 02/17/2013

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At this point, you don't have any other alternative that be her "shadow" and the unwanted "spy", but that's the way it is for parents, Eventually she will mature and she will understand the reasons for the "disciplinary measures" ttaken by you.

C - posted on 02/17/2013

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I put my daughter on lockdown for a year after inappropriate behavior. No phone, no make up, no computer, no friends, no hair styling, no jewelry, none of her clothes, I bought her plain clothes, no socializing, no first h.s dance. Not even home alone ever. No visitors. She learned who her real friends were. The ones who cared called me to check in, knowing I woul not let her speak to them, but still to check in. Some kids wrote letters.
A year later she evaluated where her " friends" ended up. Some pregnant, some arrested, some failing in school, and various other issues.
She told me she is so grateful I did that extreme punishment. She is back to stable, back to honor roll, back to having pride in herself. She also told me if I had dropped the punishment after even 6 months she would have gone back to that destructive path. She also shares constantly with me. She asks me for guidance, she witnessed what is the consequence teens face when they are left in charge of themselves by coming back into "life" a year later.

Marcia - posted on 02/17/2013

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WELL FIRST OF ALL I WOULD PUT HER ON THE PILL AND TELL HER WHY
CAUSE I BELIEVE SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN WITH OUT YOUR KNOWING KIDS NOW DAYS DO WHAT THEY WANT SEEM LIKE

Avbcvb - posted on 02/17/2013

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Jodi, calm down. Rylan made a mistake and came on here for advice, not to be bullied. While I agree that it is irresponsible of Rylan not to verify the whereabouts of her daughter, nobody was hurt and as long as this doesn't happen again, I believe it is not the end of the world. Rylan: sorry to hear that your daughter has shut you out, I would snoop through her things to see if she is hiding anything else. Naturally you do not want her to know about it unless you find anything. Remember you are the parent not the friend, however, you need to keep a hand extended to help pick your daughter when she needs it. Don't beat her up with this mistake, punish her and move on. Figure out what she likes the most i.e. computer, phone, t.v. and restrict it. If you have Wifi, change the password daily and make her earn the new code.

Susan - posted on 02/17/2013

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No. No trust. No outings, no dates, no nothing. Go to school, come home, that's it, until she can re-earn your trust. Make sure that's at least 6 months.

Put an alarm on her window. They are simple, rather inexpensive (15 - 20 bucks), and key-operated. Make sure she knows it's there, too.

This is a safety issue, and she needs to understand that.

Sylvia - posted on 02/17/2013

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I feel at The Age of 13 ..It something raising a Child , But she only 13 , There something else going on , What Kind of kid is she ,getting ready to enter into highschool u got get hold to that cause she will be totally on her own , so now I would put a tight hold , No cell no computer , monitoring , her way about bottom line , she don't run nothing u the parent ,comes End

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