My 13 year old son wants to live with his Dad & new step-family full time

Karen - posted on 11/08/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I know I'm not the only one with this issue...but feel so scared & alone. My 13 year old son wants to go live with this Dad after 8 years of joint custody. The hurt is enormous. I do want to do what is best for him. He is so angry toward me with no reasons behind it other then him dealing with these emotions. I can't get him to talk to me. The way he expressed this to me was to tell me as he was getting out of the car for school while in the car line on a Friday, knowing he won't see me till the next week. I want to be able to talk with him as unemotionally as possible & I just don't think I can stop the tear from flowing...help!!

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Ariana - posted on 11/09/2012

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You know, maybe before you jump on board with this idea you and your son could go to some family councelling? Do you have him full-time or is it joint custody? If you have him full-time maybe you could go to joint custody. If it is joint custody maybe it would be better to have a set-up that goes two weeks at your house two weeks at his dads house.



I'm just saying that if this has just come up maybe there are other issues going on that need to be addressed. Just saying, well alright, seems odd to me. Could you sit him down and talk to him about this? Even if he just listens? You could tell him how much you love him and that although you know he wants to live with his father full-time maybe there is a way for you two to have a better relationship so that this wouldn't be needed. Tell him that you know you two don't always see eye-to-eye, but you can see that he is having a hard time dealing with living here and you want to find ways to solve that. Then you can go into how you feel going to a family councellor - who can help you two mediate your relationship - may go a long way into helping mend your relationship, so that way he will feel comfortable at both his fathers and your home. Try to find someone who you can get an appointment with who can help you two out.



I know you need to respect your sons choices but if there is a compromise that can be made, or a solution to be found, it is worth looking into those solutions for at least a couple of months before making the decision to allow him to be with his father full-time.



Whatever happens I hope things work out.

Karen - posted on 11/09/2012

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No that wasnt an amount an attorney quoted...just heresay from people. His Father just became self employed after being fired from his military/ government job & I just got a pay raise finally after many years..so I dont know how they will qualify the amount. I realize that should be the least of my worries. I think your right on the premise of how my son handled his announcement & that helps give me some peace that he still does have some heart for me. He returns home for the weekend...I guess...I plan to just let him know that I will always love him & be there for him. These replies have been helpful. It helps to talk it out and give myself some clarity. I appreciate it

Gwen - posted on 11/09/2012

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The amount of child support you would be responsible for paying is based off your percentage of the income, not your ex husbands. For example, you guys make a total of $100,000 (he earns 70,000 you earn 30,000) and the child support amount for 1 child is $10,000. The father makes 70% of the income, so he'd be obligated to pay $7,000. If you only earn 30% of the income, you would be paying less than half that ($3,000).



Or, did this $400-500 estimate come from a recent calculation your attorney or the child support agency did?



Maybe your son broke the news and then took off because deep down, he knows how hurt you will be and it's hard for him to face you? Sorry we can't be more helpful to you.

Karen - posted on 11/08/2012

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If as expected I am to pay $400-500.00 a month...I can not afford that with a house payment...plus all the rest of life. Maybe I am just expecting the worst..need to hope for the best. To me, this feeling/situation is as hard as losing my Dad. I like your perspective that this may help us communicate better...you may be very right. Thanks!

Dove - posted on 11/08/2012

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Why would you need to sell your house to pay child support? Child support is based off of a percentage of your income, so should be doable... right?



I'm sorry. I'm sure this is hard for you. Maybe not living with your son will be what the 2 of you need to be able to communicate better. I know that sounds kind of backwards, but it's possible.

Karen - posted on 11/08/2012

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Yes his Dad has been encouraging this for several years, ever since he remarried several years ago. There are alot more pieces to this puzzle...its not so cut & dry. This has been manipulated for years. His Father has been trying for years to turn him against me. Dont get me wrong...I will not hold him back from this...I guess I just dont know how to move on. I wish my son felt more comfortable talking to me about it instead of starting this all out war with me out of the blue. They will slap me with child support...that the Father never paid during the times he was due to pay. I will need to sell my house to pay the child support. This isnt just being emotional over my child..it was my life too. Thanks for responding to me...just felt lost.

Gwen - posted on 11/08/2012

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First, you should speak to his father to see if he is in favor of the arrangement. Just because your son says he wants to live there full-time doesn't mean his dad has okay'd it. But, If he wants to live with his dad, and dad is on board, you need to give him your blessing. If you refuse to let your son go, he will hold it against you for the rest of your life. It stinks and hurts, but he is old enough to have some input in his living arrangements. As long as his dad is not dangerous, you need to let them try it and see how it works out. Like Holly said, he may be back sooner than you think.

Holly - posted on 11/08/2012

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you need to stop worrying about your feelings. if you think about it, he wants to go live there, probably because there are less rules, let him go live there, dad will have to start making rules, and once the rules come, your son will realize that people HAVE to have rules... and he will probably want to come back and live with his momma

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