My 15 year old is trying to drop out and see older guys.

Mary - posted on 09/26/2012 ( 149 moms have responded )

4

0

0

I have a 15 and half year old daughter who got pregnant her son is now 5 1/2 months old,i have supported her thru it al she just went back to school in september she is now saying she wants to quit school cant handle the fact that her son has mre of a bond with me and went to the school counselor about it,I have to admit after she said this i told her she was going to school or she could move out,thn she went to a famly friends,now she is able to do nothing if she wants at this moment.I am not sure what to do from here she has been trying to date or see older guys on top of this so she wants to now live with this friend of hers and her mother since she will have the freedom to do more of what she wants there than here with me,i am a nervous wreck since this i regret telling her to move out but yet i dont want to let her think she won by telling her to come home. there has been an issue with he for a few years of trying to get her to finish school and make the right choices,I am not willing to let her throw away her life and live pay check to paycheck,i have explained to her more than ever now you need school since you have a son but this friends mother is more relaxed and lets them go do things more than i will,i need some help any advice on what to do next.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Heidi - posted on 09/27/2012

3

0

0

Sorry to say but I would take a harder approach. I believe it is your responsibility to take care of that baby. Go to court, get guardianship over the baby so at least you know he/she is safe. Your daughter will surely hate you for awhile but when she grows up will thank you. Your house, your rules. There is no reasoning with an immature (sorry) girl who thinks she knows best. You should have no problems getting guardianship as she will have no money for an attorney and no grounds to dispute. Her choice is to either move back and follow your rules or lose custody of her child. When you play hardball, I'm certain she will wake up and smell the coffee, making the right decision. Good luck.

Laura - posted on 09/27/2012

3

0

0

Could you let her drop out, live with you, and take classes to finish High School online? That way she could schedule her time so she could have more interaction with her child and still get her HS diploma, which is what I feel should be her goal right now. Dating, well, I would say not now, but you may not be able to control this.

Banessa - posted on 09/26/2012

3

0

1

Hi Mary, I am sorry that you are in this situation. I don't have older children, my daughter just turned one but I have been some what in your daughters situation. During my senior year in high school I was completely lost in life. I thought because I turned 18 I was old enough to set my own rules and starting acting out by going out all day and night with out asking my parents for permission, dating an older man ( he was 25), sneaking out of my house at night. I had no respect for my self and my parents and the sad thing was that I didn't care. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I wanted freedom but didn't think about how much responsibility it is to be out on your own. Well my dad had a talk with me one night I came home late again. He told me, " Banessa, you don't respect my house rules, you don't respect me. I tried to talk to you multiple times about where your life is going if you keep acting this way, but you wont listen. I am sorry. This hurts me but you need to leave." So I left.



During that time that I lived out on my own it changed me in a good way. I learned that I hurt my family and my self because I was acting like a thoughtless and selfish person and being out on your own is not as fun as it seemed. Yeah I had no curfew but I had to work the next morning so staying up all night was not a wise choice. I went from having only my cellphone bill to rent, utility's, transportation, school tuition ... well you know. I learned the meaning of RESPONSIBILITY.

I understand that you, just like my father want the best for your children and how much it hurts to see your baby hurt herself but for some reason only you can see that and she is completely oblivious to it. But I have hope that she will turn her life around and keep going to school, especially for your grandson. Please, remember that you are a great mother and this will pass. I will pray for you and your daughter.

Brittany - posted on 09/28/2012

1

76

0

I would tell her to get her ass home, she is still your daughter and she is a mother! It is time to become responsible for the outcome of her actions. She isn't liable for herself until 18 or 17 1/2 depending the judge. Crack the whip, she may resent you now, but in the end she will love you for it. You let her go now and do whatever because of pride who wins and who doesn't, then she is going to continue, she'll leave school, date older men, get into drugs and be knocked up again. I'd the pattern isn't stopped or interfered then it will only continue. Speaking this all from experience first hand! I hated my mom, but I love her today and if it wasn't for her I would be in jail it dead. Now I am 26, I have 2 girls , I'm married and own mg own home and car. Get your daughter on home, sit her down and have her watch 16 and pregnent, if those dumb girls on that show can learn a lesson and grow up and respect the responsiblities, ANYONE can. Or do the scare tactic and pull up stories and videos of young moms loosing their kids, their life, their friends, ect all for some fun, when its really family that loves you and is always there. Do what you gotta do, but you are still Mom, enforce!

Sarah - posted on 10/07/2012

65

0

0

I had a baby at 19. I lived with my parents who both had jobs, and I was in college full time. When I got pregnant I had a full time job and a full time load at school. Obviously, something in the equation had to give. I had to give up my job, because I couldn't afford to pay for child care basically 12 hours a day. My parents were very supportive in that they allowed me and my daughter to live with them, in exchange for housework and other things that I could manage doing like running errands and what not.



However, one thing my parents told me which I believe made all the difference in our relationship was that they were the grandparents and I was the parents. They told me that in general, grandparents can be called upon on a "Once or Twice a MONTH basis" to watch the child for something important. Otherwise, when the grandparents see the child, the parents are there too, so the child doesn't get confused over who the parents are. They said it was my job to change every diaper, fix every bottle, and basically do EVERYTHING for the baby. I was a BUSY girl taking care of MY baby. I didn't have time to date. I barely had time to sleep. Because if I wanted to go on a date, I had to have a sitter, which my parents wouldn't be.



My daughter is 17 now, and she will graduate high school this year. Her progress report so far says she is getting 4 As and 1 B. She saw me work very hard to finish college. She is CLOSE to my parents, but she knows that I am the mom and what I say goes. I had to grow up at a very young age, and so does your daughter. In that vein, my advice is as follows:

* Have her move back home. She is too young to live with other people.

* Do what you need to do in order to get her back in school. Will she do well with online schooling? Is there a school for young mothers in your area that might have day care? Can she get her GED and get started on some college units to actually build a future for herself? (A lot of colleges have day care centers on campus that students can use, and she has a dependent of her own, so she will be able to get financial aid)

* Watch the baby for her no more than 2 times a month for no more than 3 hours at a time. Harsh, I know, but this is one thing my parents did that ensured I did not have more children at such a young age.

* Remember to keep parenting your daughter!

* Make sure from a distance that your daughter is making a safe home for her child. If she's not, then you may have to step in as some have suggested and get guardianship over the baby. This will upset your daughter VERY much so I think it is very much a last resort. Maybe make an exception to the once or twice a month rule and offer to watch the baby while she takes a parenting class. This would allow you time with the baby and help her get better at what she needs to be able to do.



I will pray for you both. This is certainly not an easy situation to deal with.But, I know from experience, it is one where all can flourish with the right amount of patience and clear guidelines and rules.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

149 Comments

View replies by

Jesusita - posted on 12/11/2013

1

7

0

if she wants to throw away her life let her find out for herself, she will soon learn what u meant, then God willing she will want to do her best for her child and herself, she will know u were right.

Tiffany - posted on 11/27/2012

1

29

0

Dr. Phil says "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?". I'm sorry to say it, but as the mother and grandmother, I'm getting a lot of hostility and immaturity in some of your statements. You say her son has "more of a bond" with you than with her. That cannot be true, my kids go to daycare/preschool full time and they do not have more of a bond with their teachers than with their own mother, even though they are there 10 hrs a day. I am their mom and they will always know that. You also say "I don't want to let her think she won". WTH is that all about? The only "loser" in this situation will be her son/your grandson if the two of you are constantly keeping tabs over who is "winning". That is totally ridiculous to me. You guys need to put your childish fighting aside for what is better for the son/grandson here. And the best situation is for you two to get along, for her to finish high school and for the three of you to live in a production home where not only is the child lucky enough to get love from both of you, but is being provided with the basics, food shelter and necessities. That being said, in your home you need to set ground rules about curfew and what is her responsibility to her son vs. what you are willing to help with and provide for her. She is your child, put your foot down and take some control of the situation! :(

Evelyn - posted on 11/26/2012

13

2

0

Mary Taylor and all other I check some of the grammar mistakes I made and notice that the blue under lined stuff was not of my doing. so I ma not recommending any of the what seem like pop up advertisement. I know that Circle of mothers need to get paid by some one for commercialism, but just letting you know it is not me.

Evelyn - posted on 11/26/2012

13

2

0

On Saturday November 24th, 2012, my 38 years old daughter buried, my 23 year old grand son. Austin was born to my when my daughter was only 14 years old, the dad was about the same age. Austin's Dad sang at my at his own son's funeral. Now we know that parent are suppose to out live their children, but I have out lived my grand child? At the funeral the pastor said that the "GOOD GIVE AND THE GOOD LORD TAKE AWAY" The good Lord give that which is good to all of us, yet like Paul said, that we all war daily to do what is good, yet we in turn do that which is bad. so the pastor was so wrong, but like everyone else we all make mistakes, Now my grand baby was not a mistake, what he was, was not prepared for, by me nor his mom or his dad.



Mary Taylor, Pray for Angels to follow your baby every where you go and You can pray for those very angels that are protecting your child to move through love those around your daughter who cloud her thinking. And with the removal of babies by the state Children Service Department of Child welfare, be as near and as close to your grand child as possible. We can not control our children no more than we were controlled when we were children. Our children are making to many decisions based on peer pressure. when all my friends were out getting pregnant, I was helping my mom raise my younger brothers and sisters. I have on several occasions had a couple of my girl friends wake me up in the morning beating on my front door, saying they don't know where their daughter are. I have stood at a door with a mother as the child and the adult who are allowing such behavior would not open the door so that my friend could take her child home, I took these size ten feet and on the third kick the door came down, We came in and ordered her daughter out to the car, I promised that woman that the next time that she allowed my friends daughter in her house and that if we had to make a second trip that. I was bring the restraining order to make sure that she could not be in so many feet. I have had so many children come to me and say that I remember you, you did this or you did that, and that had some of my chocolate chip cookies with coconut and walnuts. I am a home body and I live in peace, I don't allow anyone to interfere with my peace, and that of those who I have a place in my heart. I do suggest that you get some of your most sane friend that use reason first and go get your daughter. I hope that you have the baby with you. Because your grand child will be in danger of being loss to the system if you don't keep a good watch on your child while she is away, Who ever this sick woman is that is allowing your daughter to disobey you it an adult may have age with time but surely have not age as a fully developed human that is a parent themselves. We can not be angry at these poor lost souls who come between you and your child where there is already enough going on with out her interference. As women we are stronger because we had to do it all. You get your solid Uncles, solid Aunts, and solid friends and go get your daughter, and she will not listen then you take that baby and to to court the next day because there is day court that will give you temp custody of the baby, now this means that you will need a baby sitter for I know that we all are working grand mother when our children make us grand mothers so young. I don't know what you are doing but, all your attentions need to be on your child and her child if not you may loose them both and I did, I lost my daughter, and it took the death of her son to call me and say "mom I need You" can not handle this alone, "She said mom I want to die too", "I don't want to live". My grand son was adopted out when he was less than 7 days old. the adoption was open, me and my daughter wrote took pictures, we even talk to the adoptive family. three months later my daughter was pregnant again she had an abortion. three months after that she was pregnant again. I was at a loss on how to deal with this, I did not known any man in that way until my husband her dad? I called all the people who back in the day for help, agencies that I did not know would take your child and teach them to forget that they ever had a mom or a family that loves them. I am here in Oregon, I hope that you are, cause I will go with you to get your daughter, and help you get a restraining order on who ever those people are. Because what ever those people have your child involved in, will fall on you if she get her out of there and find herself in a situation that you can not get her out of. You and your daughter both need some one that you both trust and can talk to to come up with a plan. Your daughter sound pretty into listening to that other house whole more than you, been there done that. What ever you get custody of the baby, That is the one thing that I failed to do and should have done, this would have save all of us a lost of loss this Saturday November 24, 2012. If you can not control her, and the state take the baby from her than, it will not go well for you in court, the state will say that they have a problem with your ability to care for your grand child. If you have custody the state can not touch your child and you by law do not have to even open your door for them. Slavery has not changed, and slavery does not discriminate, it never did, slavery had a higher preference for the color brown. Call and talk to people who would not condone this kind of behavior from who ever you daughter is living with. My daughter was use by the mother to keep her son at home so that she would not loose her child to gangs, he would stay home if he had every thing that he needed at home. Now we all are heart broken, the parent who hid my 14 year old daughter died some years ago. I just found out at the funeral me and her grand child's funeral. The long term stuff that we can not see at this time, come at you and leave you with both hands ties, especially death, you just want your child safe and to have a better life just as I did, Children are not animals and should not be out there running loose as if they can live on the wild side.



Evelyn Murray

http://vimeo.com/23710950

please allow your daughter to view this video, that me the old lady in the bed, she needs to know that many gave their lives both black and white so that she can have chooses and she is not making good choices right now, you are in my prayers this is very hard with those others work against you.



http://archivedwebsites.sos.state.or.us/...



http://familynurturingcaringforfamilyweb...

Dottie - posted on 11/26/2012

33

1

0

I would let her "sow her oats". It will take her about 4-6 weeks (hopefully, less than that) to see that things at mom's are much better and she'll come running home. If you force her to come home, the animosity will grow. Let her find out for herself and she'll appreciate you more.

Heidi - posted on 11/25/2012

7

16

0

There is a huge difference between an 18 year old going out on their own and a 15 year old. The maturity is not there no matter how hard they say it is. My daughter was 16 and pregnant she finished 11 th grade and started 12th grade. She was such a n emotional mess I pulled her out of school in Oct of her 12th grade year and signed her up for Ashworth College's High School Online program. Self paced, books all online, instructors give grades and feed back and it is an actual high school diploma (she got with honors) I had to push her sometimes to get online and do this. But then I just stopped and she decided to get it done all on her own. She is now 18 with a one year old and going to beauty school starting in December. Unless your daughter legally separates her self from you in court she is your responsibility until 18. You can demand by court order or police assistance she come home. Put away your pride of telling her to leave and get her back home with your grandchild. She needs you more then ever now and needs to know you love her. She may be jealous of your attention to your grandchild, but I think giving your daughter more positive attention might help that situation. You are in a hard spot now because she is out of the house. My biggest advice is to pray about this and make her come home and start over if you can. The online school releaved so much stress for my daughter.. I wish you well. Heidi

Ros - posted on 11/21/2012

1

17

0

Hello I am a mother of 2 , one is 21 and the other is 14. I would first make her come back home.let her no know matter what, ur still responsible for her n her baby until she is of age. Therefore she had to come back. Second I would make her go back to school explain that she should want to be the provider for her son and if she don't get n education. She can't be a role model or mentor for her son. Has for her spending time with him all her play time in the streets would come to a hault. She can take that time n spend it with him. The same way we had to stay home n take care of our kids she can to. That way she can build a bond with him.



Sincerely a mom

Anna - posted on 11/14/2012

2

12

0

Try talking to the other mother. As a mother hopefully she can understand your concerns and she should respect you being her mother and not even allow your daughter living with them to be an option. She is undermining you by allowing that. Is she also planning on taking in your grandson and caring for him while your daughter is out dating older guys? You were right to put your foot down as a parent. And its really not up to your daughter if she is only 15, you are still her legal guardian.

Zen - posted on 11/13/2012

40

20

0

Don't mistaken "Letting Go" implied to be acceptance... as resignation and doubt which festers as resentment and regret. Don't ever give up. It is never too late. We always have an Opportunity to reach out, come from love and reconnect. We DON'T KNOW what the other person is going through and can only be responsible for our own actions. Ask yourself...what actions would you take if you could look back and say "I was proud of who I being in that relationship" even if it didn't go the way you wanted?

Zen - posted on 11/13/2012

40

20

0

ask to meet her, wherever she wants, for as long as she wants.

Come from love. tell her you love her and be specific and tell her what you love about her. she will be suspicious but if you are really just present to loving her, not judging her, she will get it.

She may need to yell at you and accuse you.

Be with whatever she has to sy. Just get it. Don't defend or argue with it. Just get where she is coming from. Find the goal in what she is saying like if she says " You never listen to me!!" Say back, " I got it. I never listen to you. I am sorry. I am listening to you now and I hear that you are responsible enough to be heard and treated with respect."



Than tell her why you love her some more.

Tell her what you are committed to in your relationship.

When you are both at least willing to listen, when she has softened...just tell her you want to support her in having a great life and being all she can be.

Ask her what she wants to be in life.

Listen. She may talk about dating etc for now, listen then ask her about 1 yr from now and 5 years from now, maybe 10 or 20 years from now.

let her paint the picture of future, no matter how you disagree

and see if you can set advise what you want and support her in what she wants..

It is likely that if she feels heard and respected as a responsible young woman, she will see that what she really wants is to be a good Mom and live a life where she is doing something that matters to her and makes a good living doing it. Being responsible. But you cant tell her to be that effectively.

She needs the space to be accepted and find that for herself.

www.zeninspiredparenting.blogspot.com

Kasey - posted on 11/13/2012

6

15

0

Well I have to say this can go many ways, depending on what kind of person your daughter is. My mom got pregnant at 15 with my brother. My parents were married and my dad made sure my mom finished school, even tho she was pregnant with my sister by graduation! We still had a hard life because neither of them went to college and worked hard factory jobs. Not a life they or I want for my children. I went to school with a girl who got pregnant at 15, and went down the path your daughter is headed. Her mom, a Christian lady, let go and let God, and is now raising seven, yes SEVEN, grandchildren and her daughter is heavily hooked on drugs and lives the party life, like she wanted. She doesn't care for her children and even recently missed her youngest sons first birthday. She also recently stole about 16 thousand dollars from her parents. I KNOW this is not the life you want for you daughter or grandchildren. Some are saying just get custody of your grandchild, even tho that may seem the best for the child, I think you should not give up on your daughter. I am a Christian and believe in letting go and letting God in some situations, but I also keep in mind God helps those who help themselves! You don't want to go through your grandchild having abandonment issues bc you didn't want to put your foot down and make his child mother ( that's what she is ) get an education to better his and her life. Let me tell you, you can't even get a job at Payless shoes with out a GED or hs diploma! Your daughter is a child, even if she's a mother! There are resources for you to help you keep her in school. She may think she's an adult bc she's a mom but she's not. And FYI if she misses 11 days of school the truncy officers will come after YOU not the ' mom ' she's living with. 30 hours community service and $800 fines for you! Not her! Your daughter may hate you but you are NOT her friend you are her mother. Mom knows best even if the child disagrees. She will thank you for it later, I promise!

Valarie - posted on 11/13/2012

1

14

0

She is going to do whatever you are against. I had one like this but she had baby at 21. They have to experience things. I miss my granddaughter but I'm not going to be used and abused. Feel you. Sometimes we have to let go and let god handle it.

Kim - posted on 11/12/2012

70

8

0

Let her go and discover the world on her own. Write her a letter letting her know how much you love her and wish her the best. Then you need to put your trust and faith in God. Once shr realize rhat you were right she beg you to come back. In the mean time don't give her any money or babysit at will. She needs to experience the real world.

Maranda - posted on 11/12/2012

3

0

0

i got pregnant when i was 17 and my son is three now let her know that is in important to stay in school so she can get a decent job to support her child. Although my school did have a daycare right at the school and i could go see him when i was done with my school work but every situation is different. Her main priority should be her child. And guys should be the least of her worries

Cyndi - posted on 11/11/2012

7

13

0

Come on now. Place the child for adoption so it will have a better chance at life. There are so many WORTHY & READY parents dying for a child. If you feel the need to be PC, adopt the child to a gay couple! Good grief, ya'll trying to tiptoe around the issue, acting afraid you might hurt someone's feelings. The girl screwed up, the mom screwed up. Give each of them a chance to do something selfless and noble! Give the very best gift ever, the gift of life and family.

Tera - posted on 11/10/2012

3

4

0

I had my son at 15 and I'm 29 now, and reading you're story was like hearing my own mother's words! My advice would be don't give up and just keep reminding her that its not about her anymore its about that baby and her best interest for both of them is to graduate. If she wants to talk to someone that's been thru it and straightened out to do right please let me know I used to mentor teen mother's and would be happy to help! Good luck and God bless!

Lori - posted on 11/10/2012

2

12

0

Please please talk her out of dropping out. I dropped out of High School and got married at 17 because I was pregnant, against everyone's advice. Long story short, my ex was a bum and I gave custody of my 1 year old to my inlaws until I could get on my feet after our divorce. It took 7 years to be able to get him back because they didn't want to give him up. During which time, I was living an hour away from him with my parents and worked as a graveyard waitress to make my ends meet, which made it very hard for me to see him more than once a week. I missed out on so much during those years, most crucial being the bond that develops between a mother and her child. He is 13 now, and has lived with me for a little over 5 years and even though we have a great relationship, I feel like we don't have the same bond that others have, which breaks my heart.



All of that could have been avoided if I had stayed at home and finished school.. My family offered to help me and I didn't take it because I was a stubborn teenager who thought I had it all figured out and shouldn't have to live by anyone's rules and in doing so, made my life much harder than it needed to be..



I pray that your daughter can see what will be good for her and her child in the future instead of needing to live in the moment. And I hope that things work out for the best!

Tammy - posted on 11/10/2012

10

55

4

Hello Mary,

I have been in your shoes my daughter was 14 years old when she got pregnant, 15 when the baby came, I too stood beside her letting her know I supported her. Depending on what state you are in, the laws can help you, I live in Charlotte N C, here under the age of 16 can not move out you can be taken in front of the department of social services if you allow her to move out, that is if you live in the state of North Carolina. Another thing find out from the school if they have a program, the program here in partners in community, and safe journey this pays for day care while she is in school. That way she will not regret the bonding the baby and you are having.

My daughter is now 17 years old, she is changing to a school that allows her to move at her own pace, some of the class are even online so she can take them from home, and this school is part of our school system.

I hope this helps, site your daughter down and talk to her, first find out the laws in your state, she has no income and the state might see her moving out as an endangerment to her child she needs to know this to make the right decision which is to stay at home with you, someone who loves her unconditionally.

Both of you will be in my prayers

Tammy Irizarry

Shirley - posted on 11/09/2012

27

1

0

You could try to go to court and get Temporary full custody of the baby, and tell her she has to go thru Parenting Classes and finish school, then you will give her back custody of her baby.

At least this way, you'll know the baby is safe....

If she don't do the parenting classes and drops out of school, keep custody of the baby till she's 21.

If she's serious, she will do what you've asked.

Yea, its nice that some of her friends will take her in, but, I don't think thats gonna last forever.

They will get tired of paying her way and the babys.

She can only mooch off others for so-long.

You will have to make her understand, that your not trying to take her baby away from her, because this is NOT your goal...That you love her and you love the baby and you want them to be happy....She was big enough to get pregnant and have a baby, she can be big enough to take the responsibilty and grow up about it.

Cheryl - posted on 11/09/2012

3

0

0

I had to do that too, we got custody of my granddaughter and it took my daughter 5 years to get it together. SHe is married now and has given me 4 more grandchilren. I left my home, husband and job to help her and she abandoned the baby, with me. I went home, hubby took us back right away ( I think he knew this would happen) he was wonderful. My hubby has since passed on, but he quit his job to be a stay at home grandpa and I got myjob back..lol I gave Tiff back to her mom and step dad one year after my hubby died. My daughter never went back to school, but.... we cannot fix it all.......We are extreemly close now and I have 12 grandkids who I love more than life and I see them almost every day, Take care of sons ids while they work, Love being a hands on grandma, so there is always hope your daughter get it together. BUT go to the courts and protect that baby.

Johnathans - posted on 11/09/2012

3

0

0

Hi, I'm also a teen mom and I dropped out of high school but I am now taking my GED. You should try and ask your daughter if she'd preffer that instead of dropping out completly.

Andrea - posted on 11/08/2012

1

6

0

Hi I'm sorry four what you are going though. For me it would seem like a lose lose situation.

My daughter is only 11 right now. I can tell you about some of choices as a teenager. I had moved at age 15 which was devastating to me. Before the move I was the perfect child my Mother said. I started hanging out with the wrong crowed, drinking and doing drugs no to mention unprotected sex. At 17 I knew it all so i quit school. I was busing tables at a restarant making money which seemed like a lot but what did I know. By the time I was 19 I had contracted HPV, got pregnant, and was arrested twice ( DUI, reckless driving and disorderly conduct). I had an Abortion I'm not proud of it but it was more important to me that I could go out and party. The chanage you face it's that she really thinks she knows every. As far as her moving out, it has nothing to with how close you are with your Grand child and more to do with the fact that she wants to go out with her friends when ever she wants. She know if she lives with you there are rules. As far as dating the order guys she is probably looked for some one to talk care of her and the baby. As hard as it was I think you did the right thing kicking her because soon reality is going to set in. No mater how hard you try your not going to get her to change her mind right know. That's the bad news. Even if you know what she is doing is a mistake tell you support her. Like I understand that things are overwhelming for you right know. I think quiting school is not the right decision. I know you love your son want the best for him. If you quit school know you may never make enough money to support yourself and him. Finsh school for him. She may like I said before trying to find a man to take care of them. Let her know that in the end you and you alone are responsible for your son. I know you wish you could stop her from making bah choices but unfortunately they have to find out on their own. I really think if you try this aproch you will have a better outcome. Forcing her to do anything will lead to anger and antamosity. Just for spite she won't come home. Also if she feels like she can't come home without all the I told you so's she won't. Last Ofcourse your Grand Child is not being well taken care you would have to take action. Give her a chance to fall on her face.

Hope this helps, Andrea

Letha - posted on 11/06/2012

5

0

1

I know you want your daughter to make good choices but you can't do it for her. She has to do it . Really she is very xclose to sixteen an can legally quit if she wants to. Have you tried counseling with her and where is her father ? Can he help ? Let her quit school but tell her she will have to get a job and take care of her son. Whereis the father of your grand son ? Is he inthe picture ? Your daughter is at the age whwere you can't make her do what you want . Let her go and just be there when she sees the error of her ways. Tell her you love her and will be there for her son. You can;t stop her if she chooses sto live pay check to pay check.It sounds like she may be headed for another pregnancy. The only person you can control is you . Seek counseling with her if she is willing .

Nancy - posted on 11/06/2012

6

1

0

This is really difficult. My sympathy for you. I have found with my grandchildren I am by there by invitation even when I think they should listen to me. Perhaps if you can step back and think about your daughter and you....perhaps by invitation in her life might go farther than anything else. It's hard to drop back far enough to where invitation is a possibility, to be non threatening. I don't want you to think I have the answers. I'm still trying to work out my own relationships, I'm waiting, trying to be helpful. And it's not solved. but I think ground work is being laid.

[deleted account]

In regards to Marie M's statement - it's NOT YOUR FAULT - and don't let anyone tell you it is!

Kids are going to find a way to do what they want regardless of what the parent knows. I had 2 parents who were home by 6pm every night. I was 15, I lied about where I was going and with who.

Емилия - posted on 11/06/2012

1

0

0

"i regret telling her to move out but yet i dont want to let her think she won by telling her to come home." - is this the most important issue you're having? I think not. This is not a war and you are not enemies; you're in the same boat; you both have responsibilities for the baby; and you have to figure out what's best for him in the first place. From that point of view, living in your house seems to be the better option for the baby, provided you don't stand in for his mom and respect her mother's feelings. You've mentioned she is jealous of you bonding too much with the baby, but you don't seem to appreciate how important that may be to her. And I'm telling you it is - I'm a 40-year-old woman; my job as a university teacher allows me to work flexible times and spend more time than usual at home with the kids; and I still hate it when I see my son is becoming too attached to my mom (we don't live together but I rely on her for childcare). Your daughter, even though she's only 15, probably feels she's grown up now, she's a mom, and she hate being treated like another child in the family. You'd better show more respect to her new situation if you want her back.



Now the school issue is important, I agree. But I assume she can take alternative classes, distant learning, etc. - as some people have suggested previously. School is important, but it's not more important than life, and it seems her life has started rather early. The best you can do, I believe, is keep telling her why you think education is important; but let her make her own choice in the end. Forcing her to go to school when she's in such a difficult life situation may only complicate things for her.



In the end, remember that the mother-daughter relationship is not an easy one, esp. when there are teen hormones involved or grandchildren (both in your case), so take it easy and spend more time just talking to her and listening rather than threatening, forcing your rules and views on her or trying to show who's boss. Tell her you love her no matter what; and remember she also loves you, even when she's mad at you, and she probably craves to be back home. Give her a chance.

Marie - posted on 11/06/2012

6

8

0

what is she doing having sex and a baby at 15? Where were you instead of playing mommy?

[deleted account]

In regards to 10/25 post.I just wanted to say that the emancipation part depends on what state you live in. I was 15 and pregnant, got married to the dad and when I attempted to get public assistance I was told that they would go after my parents to pay the county back anything that was paid out to me. I had just assumed being married I was emancipated but wasn't. I live in Erie County, NY. I was home schooled the year I had my daughter and then went back for my senior year.

My (ex) husband wouldn't let me go to college. I got divorced when I was 19,moved home with my parents for a bit, was on public assistance for years while I went to nursing school. I did the best I could with my daughter but she was out of control, hated me as she got older, ran away repeatedly, I wish I had had more support from a mom like you! Now she's 24, I'm raising her daughter, she's 4 1/2, I've had her since she was 6 weeks old (a taste of my own medicine?!) Once again I'm doing the best I can. My husband and I are both disabled so she has us all the time, her "Mommy" is more of a "fun" person who sees her rarely. My daughter is now talking about getting an apartment(she has been living with different friends and an on & off boyfriend since we've had her daughter) and going to college online. She talks about a lot of things! We did go to court, we have joint custody with my daughter with my husband and I having residential custody - meaning she lives with us. She doesn't seem to understand that even getting an apartment doesn't change the custody order.

I'm sorry, I've taken your question and turned it into my story, I guess just showing that some people can take the responsibility and others can't or won't. If you want her home you can probably force her but will she hate you for it? Will she take care of the baby even if she is there? Can you sit by and do nothing while the baby is crying until she does something about it? Do you want to raise another child at your age-I don't know how old you are, I was 36 when my grandaughter was born.

It's a lot for you to work out, as someone else points out she's going to go out and see these older guys no matter what you say. She ought to go to school & raise her child. But you know that. You should print all the responses you get and give them to her to read!

Alexandra - posted on 11/05/2012

2

13

0

Are you crazy????? I believe in G-d but I hardly think sticking your head in the sand and doing nothing is what G-d would want.



Who is looking after the baby? You or your crazy child? If it's you then tell her to getto her selfish arse home and be a mother. She chose to have unprotected sex, she had to raise her son. Gambling that, I'd she her for child support. That'll get her home in no time

Lisa - posted on 11/05/2012

2

26

0

All you can do is encourage her to make the right choices in her life. If you are worried about your grandson being affected by her decisions, you can file for guardianship to ensure he is provided for and taken care of.

Vanessa - posted on 11/05/2012

5

0

0

Maybe try talking to her about your worries and concerns, not as mother to daughter but as mother to mother. And if being away for so long during the day is to much for her maybe try looking into other schooling options that might be more of a comfortable fit for her. Some schools depending on where you live are much more flexible with the students needs. As for the dating maybe try lightly bringing up your concerns and make sure she knows your not jugging her but you are concerned, honestly as far as the dating goes if shes going to do it she will find a way regardless, but if she know your there for her (which can sometime be hard to remember in your a teen) she will probably stop on her own.

Tina - posted on 11/05/2012

4

11

0

I can't tell you more than to look at simple development, your daughter at 15 has not yet reached the physical brain development needed to make long term rational, thought out choices. Until the frontal lobe develops, noone can think things through with long term foresight. Good luck to you all! I hope you and your daughter are able to find a young parent type high schhol, one where she can get the parenting skilss & support and the socialization and growth lessons we all have to have to be successful adults & parents! *hugs*

Gina - posted on 11/05/2012

2

1

0

Sorry, kids at this age can be so into the moment, don't care about the future or school. I hope that she is on the pill or some other birth control that is long term so she doesn't get pregnant again or you may be raising 2 babies. Even if she won't come home, try to get her on some kind of birth control. Take care.

Cathy - posted on 11/04/2012

2

0

0

I posted earlier she should finish school, you have to be carefulwith on line schools,I was pregnant at 16 and thought all was great got married to the dad who is a wonderful man and w are still married 32 years later.but when it came to god jobs our school, the diploma was missing and once children came it got harder to do.FINISH SCHOOL NOW.

Megan - posted on 11/04/2012

58

0

5

I am sorry to hear all of that. It must be so hard. I had a friend name Kaylee in high school who had a baby girl name Mackenzie at 16 and went throw the same thing. But Kaylee mom was never there for her and her farther left when she was little. Kaylee started to see older guys, drop out of high school, she even did drugs, and lived with a couple of friends. She was never there for Mackenzie. So I took Mackenzie and just kind of raised her. So I was more of a mother then Kaylee was. I think she was lost and needed help. Kaylee din't want help and she wanted to do things on her own. When Mackenzie was a month old she came up to my door gave me her and said she couldn't do this. A couple of times she would come see Mackenzie and sometimes would take her for a day. Because I would only let her take her for a day. I always felt like I was Mackenzie mother. I had a nursey for her, I was the one who named her Mackenzie Mrye, I had all things a mother would have for her kid. Kaylee din't have any of those things. I think kids at that age get lost. When Mackenzie was 7 her dad came back and took her. He had his life back. Had a good job lived in a good house and he went to college. Kaylee never did any of that. Right now she been in and out of jail. And she has hasn't seen Mackenzie since she was 3 and I been visting her or she been visting me. But the best thing was taking Mackenzie away and maybe that what you need to do for your grandson. Why should he live like that when I'm sorry to say it was your daughter dumb mistake. All you can do is be there and try your best. Honstely its her mistake and there only so much to do. Just don't let her be Kaylee because Kaylee could of change but she din't.

Dereneice - posted on 11/04/2012

1

1

0

Hi! I'm sending big hugs your way! I had my first son at the age of 15 and I can assure you it wasn't easy at all!! I wish I could talk to her and give her words of encouragement.. after going back to school it was tough... I have always been an honor student and once my son came things were EVEN harder... I had a strong support system.. of course THERE were times when I considered dropping out I never told anyone.. but I didn't bcuz my son was my motivation... I wanted to be successful and I wanted to make sure he had a good life and the only way to do that was to go to school and get my diploma and continue my education.. I graduated in #13 in my class.. it was hard but I didn't give up... it was by the grace of God... I prayed and prayed and that helped me a lot... bcuz it was hard being a teen mom especially raisin him on my own bcuz da father took the easy way out.. as of today I am 19... I'm in school working on my associate degree.. my son will b 4 in a couple weeks... even though I'm expecting my second son in December.. I will not give up on my education... my boyfriend and I went to school together so we always were friends and now we have been in a relationship for 1yr and a half.. I can say that I am truly blessed to have someone who loves my son and I for who we are.. such a blessing.. just tell her to hang in there!!!!!!!

Joy - posted on 11/02/2012

23

32

0

Dropping out is not the way to go I dropped out when I was 13 because I was sick of people treating me like crap all the time and calling me names is was harsh but I regret it everyday! I know its hard to be away from your child and seeing them have a better bond with someone else but you got to do what you got to do most jobs now days wnt take you unless you have a hsd I still dont have mine or a ged and Im working 30+ hours a week making 7.90 an hour get paid every 2 weeks after taxes its about 270 and for two weeks thats not enough to survive with a child I hope she realizes how this could affect her life and her childs.

Daphney - posted on 10/30/2012

1

3

0

Oh, Mary, I'm so sorry. I worked in a school for pregnant/parenting teens and we saw this A LOT.

Your daughter needs to come home. That doesn't mean she "wins" as this is not a game. And really, the whole thing is no longer about anyone other than that baby.

So, the baby has a stronger bond to you. Thank God he has a bond! I dare say that were she more involved w/ him, things would be different. This is why we are not supposed to have babies so young. She still wants to run around and be a "kid". And that's natural, but she made choices that changed future choices. That is not your fault.

Your daughter is still under your jurisdiction for 2.5 years. She needs to come home, whether willingly or w/ a police escort. She needs parenting classes and a very limited social life that rarely takes place outside of your home. And tell her that any "older: guys will have the police called on them.

She is not in charge. She is not capable of being in charge.

I said a prayer for you.

Rachel - posted on 10/30/2012

216

0

80

I quit school when I was 16. My mother really had no choice other than to sign me out. I gave her such a hard time.

I wish I never dropped out. I got pregnant and then got my GED.



Would you be willing to let her stay with you if she works on getting her GED? Or doing high school online?

Bijouel - posted on 10/30/2012

6

0

1

I was a single 17 year old mother back in the early 70's. I was fortunate to have the support of my family when I needed them. Your daughter needs to be at home with you, and be working towards an education to alow her to become a self sufficient adult. Please be careful in doing too much in the name of help. If she is not in school or work, SHE needs to be the one taking care of her child. That will help with the jealousy of her not bonding with the child. My mother did too much to help me and I resented the fact that she was the "mom" to my daughter. It is a hard line to hold, but will be for the best in the end.

Patricia - posted on 10/29/2012

78

0

19

maybe you shouldnt have had her move out but this is what I would do......She is only 15 and your her mother and get into your car and go get her and if you need the assistance of a peace officer to do so then do it.Be loving and stern,she has a baby to look after and school etc. can all be worked out, I did it and I had a child young.....It just going to be hard for her because shes so young but she did a grown up thing and now she made the wine now she must drink it.....my prayers are with you stay the course mom everything will work out ,it has to.........

RRC'S - posted on 10/29/2012

3

0

0

Oh goodness. Sounds like me a few years ago :( I didn't have a baby at the time but I was like her. Wanting to do as I pleased.. unfortunately my mom allowed me to drop out of high school at sixteen and date men in their twenties. All that did was nearly land me in jail and super depressed. You are the parent. You know what is best. Do not let that girl ruin her life or your grand babies! Take a stand! Good luck :)

Ashley - posted on 10/25/2012

316

12

47

im reading some of these comments, and just want to clear something up...yes, she is a minor, and yes, you are her mom, but the second she became a mother herself, she also became emancipated...that means, you can no longer force her to do anything. she can live where she wants, and do what she wants, including not going to school. i know not going to school is not the best option, but you can not make her, and truancy no longer matters in her situation. she needs your guidance and support. dont do it for her. but talk her into coming home and doing something to get her education, whether it is ged, going back to school, doing it online, or homeschooling. only watch the baby when she is at school. when she is home, she needs to be doing everything for her baby. from feeding, changing, bathing, teaching, and playing with her baby. dont even make a bottle for her, or change 1 diaper. dont get up with the baby in the middle of the night. make her do it all. that will show her what her responsibility is. when her grades are up, and she is able, make her get a job. after that, no longer buy any of the formula or diapers or clothes or anything else the baby might need. make sure she knows you will no longer buy any of it, so she doesnt spend her money elsewhere. knowing that mommy will buy it so the baby doesnt go without. when she has proved that she can be a responsible young mother, by trying to get her education, and taking care of her baby, and providing everything for her baby, then you can start babysitting every now and then so she can go out with friends, or just have some time away. but, dont make it very often, because she will get used to the idea of you babysitting and want to go out more and more.

Ashley - posted on 10/25/2012

316

12

47

i was when i got pregnant with my oldest. i got put on bedrest when i was 27 weeks, so i couldnt go to school, and then i had my son at 32 weeks. he stayed in the hospital for a month, and i was on my 6 week leave from school. when he came home, i tried to go back to school, then he ended up back in the hopital for 2 more weeks with rsv. when he came home that time, i again, tried going back to school. but i didnt feel right, i didnt fit in, and i couldnt stand to be away from my son the whole 7 hours, worrying about him. so i talked to my mom, and she let me drop out, but i had to agree to get my ged. so i dropped out and the next week was enrolled in ged classes, and my son was going to daycare just 3 doors down from my ged class. i went 4 hours a day and was able to check on my son as i pleased. he was also on an apnea monitor, so it helped me alot to be that close to him and still get my education, because i could hear his monitor go off from my class and i would go running. i went to class for 4 months, then took my test and passed with scores high enough to pay for my college. i got my ged before i would have graduated, and i still got to walk across the stage just like everyone else. maybe she could do something like that. about the older guys, i dont really know what to tell you. i was still with my sons father, and still am, but even if i wouldnt have been, i wouldnt have had time for guys because my son was always more important and i didnt have the time to do things most teenagers do. sounds like she needs less help. i mean, dont watch the baby for her unless she is going to school or work. hopefully,she will not leave her baby with just anyone, or take him with her to meet all these older guys. if so, then she still has a lot of growing up to do, and shouldnt be raising a baby. and maybe you can talk to the friends mother about how u feel, and why you dont think it would be in her or her sons best interest to live there. good luck

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms