my 15 yr.old daughter doesnt like it when we ask her questions,she says they are unreasonable??

Melanie - posted on 11/16/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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my daughter always has a bad attitude in her voice when she talks to me or her stepfather,she says its normal but i dont think so and she doesnt like answering any questions we ask,she has cut herself a couple times and says its cause of me(when i make her mad)i told her next time she gives me and here stepdad disrespect her cell phone was gonna be turned off until she changed her attitude around..i dont know what to do.

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If she is cutting herself get her to a psychologist ASAP. I don't have any advice on raising teens since my oldest 2 aren't quite 9 yet, but my stepsister was a cutter (I don't think she cuts anymore, but she's in her 20's now) starting around 14-15. She needs help that you are not capable of giving her and the psychologist (if he/she is worth anything) will be able to give you the tools to help handle her and her behavior as well. Good luck!!

Angie - posted on 11/19/2010

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Get her therapy immediately. I was, and sometimes still, cut. It's not an attention getter, it's a way she is releasing some sort of stress. Now that you've told her the consequences, you'll have to take away her cell phone. If she suffers from depression, it's possible that she cannot control her temper and attitude. It's not a cop out for me to say that - I live with it every day of my life and it's horrible. A good therapist will be able to help her.

Laura - posted on 11/17/2010

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Self-mutilation/cutting is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR! the secrecy, avoiding your questions, and disrespect are not normal behaviors either, even in a teen. It is a serious problem that can only be addressed by trained professionals! Ask your family doctor for a referal or call your local hospital for information on a behavioral specialist that deals with adolescents. Look in the phone book under "mental health" if you need to but do whatever it takes to get your daughter some help! This is ultimately a problem beyond your ability as a parent to safely deal with, I'm sorry to say. A therapist will be able to help her learn new coping methods for her feelings and will be able to teach her healthy ways to express herself. This is the only safe and effective action you can take at this time with your daughter. You need to do this now before she seriously hurts herself or gets into trouble with the law. And for the record: I worked in social services with teens like who shared your daughter's behaviors, so I have some experience in this area. Please get some professional help for her!

Jodi - posted on 11/16/2010

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The minute I read she is cutting herself, huge red flags....I agree with Teresa, this needs to be addressed by a professional. This is not normal behaviour.

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15 Comments

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Stifler's - posted on 11/22/2010

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I agree with pretty much everyone, cutting yourself is serious and needs to be addressed by a pro.

Heather - posted on 11/21/2010

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As someone who has and still has issues with cutting, GET HELP NOW. It's not something to take lightly or think it can just go away by making her talk to you. There are underlying issues that need to be dealt with, so please please please take it seriously.

Amanda - posted on 11/21/2010

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Your child needs to speak to a professional, tude and cutting oneself is not normal.

Lynn - posted on 11/21/2010

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Hi, I was a probation officer for nearly 10 years and one thing we find is that girls are much different than boys. Being a mother of 5 children and now having little girls, I find that boys are much easier than girls. Your daughter is at an age where she is looking to fit in, you remember this phase. However, it sounds like she is trying to hang with the wrong crowd. She sounds angry. The cutting is because she is hurting, but you are not the direct cause, she says that to make you feel guilty and justify her reason for doing it. Cutters do it because of the pain the feel on the inside. Sit down and think about when you noticed your daughter changing. As parents we tend to chalk things up to being teenagers. However, with something as drastic as cutting there is something else bothering her. The cutting is an outward sign of something more painful inside. Once you've located when she began changing, think about what was going on in her life as well as yours. Were there new friends, some sort of trama, or even drama that broght on the change. Then find a way to talk to her about it. Girls at this age don't want questions, they are looking for friends. How to be friend and parent? Respect space as a friend, explain that privacy is a privelege as a parent. Find some boundry, let her know that you were 15 and you understand the funkiness that comes with the age. Once you break down walls prepare yoursefl for whatever she tells you. Be ready to embrace her, and more than anything show her love. As women we have a tendency to feel unloved when we mess up, even if the mess up is our own self-image. Be Blessed!

WENDY - posted on 11/19/2010

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She's crying for attention...my 14 year old step daughter was cutting herself too.....she said it makes her feel better. I guess that she can "control" the feelings . I agree with Louise on her comments...life is so busy we have tried to pack way too much into a day and we want to spend it with our significant other and the kids so having dinner together and a shopping date with your daughter would be beneficial to all your relationships. She does need to talk and more than likely wants to talk to you. My step daughter opened up and wow what a difference since...no more cutting and an open relationship.

Cj - posted on 11/19/2010

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a couple cuttings may just be teen experimentation (cutting is a much more common/normal thing to try now, esp for girls, than when i was growing up). not wanting to talk is VERY normal, as is disrespect... but with the latter, she is searching for boundaries. give her firm limits!

Firebird - posted on 11/18/2010

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She isn't cutting herself because you make her mad, she's doing it because she can't deal with life. Get her professional help ASAP. I was a pretty rotten teen, worst attitude ever. But that's all it was for the most part - and attitude problem. I was moody, and secretive, and downright obnoxious sometimes, but when I was asked questions, I answered and most of the time I was quite respectful. Her behaviour is not normal, get her help.

Tracy - posted on 11/17/2010

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Cutting is a cry for help. Where the help comes from is up to you. There are church, physchologist, support groups out there waiting to help. No matter where you turn for help, make sure it is valid. While you want her to stop cutting herself and work out her stress, you don't want her to come home from being helped only to find out she's got several other problems that someone might diagnose her with or have her hooked on something unhealthy.

As for disrespectful and not wanting to answer any questions, it's logical to call it hormones, peer pressure and she's a teen. However, I wouldn't just stop there. I do agree with Louise when she says you need to reestablish your relationship with her. I tell my children, it's my job to be in your back corner. If you need help. I'm here. If I need to be the bad mom to keep you from doing something, that's what I'm here for. My almost out of the house daughters have used me meanest to get out of battles with friends, dates, and many other things they don't want to do.

Julie - posted on 11/17/2010

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I cut myself. It is cool. It feels good and it isn't hurting anyone. It my choice and my body. WHats the big deal?

Ok how did you react to that? And I am an adult.
She is your baby. Your reaponsibliity she may not "like it" but she needs it and will thank you in the end.

for the record ...noooooo I do not cut myself.

Louise - posted on 11/17/2010

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I think you need to re-establish your relationship with your daughter to find out what is going on in her life. Take her out for the day just the two of you, go shopping or something and then have lunch out. During lunch ask her what is going on in her life, does she have a boyfriend, hows school going. Try to ask these questions in a subtle way and not an interigation style if she closes down then back off but give her time to talk. Tell her how much you miss the time to chat with her and that you wish you could do this more. I found that teenagers like one to one chats on neutral grounds and away from interuptions to open up and tell you what is really going on in there lives. Ask her about the self mutilation and tell her that you would like to get her to talk to somebody about it. She may refuse point blank or she may be glad of some help to talk her through what is going on. Try also to eat together as a family in the evening as this is a good time to talk about thier day and keep communication open between parents and teenagers. All teenagers go moody at some point it is just part of growing up but if you think she needs extra help then get her into see a councillor. Just remember that the self harming is a major cry for help and is not normal. Your daughter needs help whether from you or a professional.

Schyla - posted on 11/16/2010

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I agree also you need to find a therapist that will not only help your daughter find constructive ways to release her stress but help you and her step dad find the tools to help her as well.

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