My 22 yr old spoiled princess

Patrice - posted on 04/23/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I am the single parent of a 22 yr old spoiled princess. Im not sure which bad decision of mine lead to her being such a lost angel but can i reverse the damage that ive done? here is a brief back story. I was 20yrs old and dating her father, after a foolish yet mutual decision we decided we should make a baby. When i was only 3 months into my pregnancy i found out that he was seeing someone else and i made the decision to walk away and never look back, i made the decision to raise her on my own. Since that day my entire existence revolved around her. My choice, My baby, My responsibility. She has never gone without or ever wanted for anything always had the best of everything. It became me and her against the world. I literally put my life on hold for her. Now she is 22 and she has absolutely no understanding of the real world. That life is not going to be handed to her on a silver platter. Now at 43 im concerned about how she will survive if anything ever happened to me. I didnt force her to go to college for several reasons and she was working until recently. I want her to find something that has longevity a skill, trade, career but she is not interested in anything or at least not sure what she wants to do. God forbid something happened to me tomorrow she would be lost. what do i do?

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Angela - posted on 04/23/2013

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My friend did all of this for her own daughter. She was a single parent too and only had the one child. At 18 the girl left home and survived on the charity of boyfriends (she was a very good looking girl - and very manipulative). She now holds down a job - but still ensures there is a man in her life to "use". At 25 she still tries to get things out of her mother too. She only visits her socially when she wants her mother to treat her to something expensive. My friend says "No" and the girl is on the next train home (she lives about 120 miles away). She doesn't appear to be interested in a relationship - her mother is only there to provide for her - if she fails to provide then she doesn't hang around for any other reason!

It's time to tighten your purse strings, Patrice. Also time to think about putting yourself first. I wouldn't be in my friend's shoes for anything.

Good luck.

Amy - posted on 04/24/2013

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You say she lost all motivation when she lost the job, maybe she's depressed. You also say the two if you are attached at the hip, well it's time for you to get a social life that doesn't involve your daughter. Show her how to have a hobby and not depend on someone so much. Go out, do things that interest you, without her.

I understand as a parent being there when your kids fall down even as they get older. I know not everyone agrees with it but if it weren't for my parents I would be stuck in a miserable marriage. But the other ladies are right she needs to be standing on her own with you helping out occasionally, not you doing all the work for her with her only helping out slightly.

Evelyn - posted on 04/23/2013

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It is one thing to make sure your child grows up with the things they need: home, food, clothing, doctor care, shoes, schooling etc. Its another to give them everything. WHen you said she never went without and got the best of everything does this mean she got everything she wanted? If so, there is not much you can do to reverse what she has become now she is an adult. If she thinks life is going to come easy for her that is not going to happen. You need to give her a certain amount of time to find a job and if she does not pack her up and move her out. If she does get a job in that time frame make sure she pays for some of the household bills including rent, utilities and food. Make her pay her own doctor bills, buy her own food, buy her own clothing and so on. Its one thing to not go without the necessities of life...its another when you are given anything and everything you want and the best besides. And if something happened to you, she would either learn to survive or go homeless.

Patrice - posted on 04/24/2013

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Jodi trust me i know this and i completely agree with what everyone has said and trust me when i say i am working on letting go but im taking baby steps. when this all began right out of high school earlier than her class and with honors, she didnt want to go to college which i was perfectly fine with for many reasons, but i advised her that she could take the summer off and after that the real world begins. We were taking public transportation and she complained that it wasnt how she wanted to get around, oh how she complained. I told her if you want a car ill buy it but you have to pay the monthly note, insurance, and gas... she did. Then she wanted an iphone i said if thats what you want buy it and pay the bill...she did. Then she wanted a smart tv costing 2000+ she has almost paid it off its down to 200.. ipad etc.. She contributed to the rent and purchased her own clothes etc.. but then when she became unemployed in feb she lost all motivation and i couldnt get through to her so that she understood you get knocked down but you have to get right back up, theres no more taking the summer off. I know where and how i went wrong and trying to fix it is like starting over from scratch. I just need her to realize that when i am gone she needs to be a grown up and make sacrifices and that things are rarely ever easy. Hopefully this idea of becoming a teacher is the goal that will keep her motivated in that direction. I now know why at age 20 I was not mature enough to make the decision to become a mother but at age 43 i understand alot more and can see so clearly what shouldve been done.

Jodi - posted on 04/24/2013

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"She has never gone without or ever wanted for anything always had the best of everything."

There is your problem right there. You have given her TOO much. Unfortunately, you have already handed that life to her on a silver platter and now you have to rip it out from under her if you want her to change. You don't know which bad decision of your led to this??? Really?

If you want things to change, you need to stop enabling her and throw her out in the big wide world to find out for herself.

"now that she isnt working there i am faced with the task of finding her a new one"

See this ^^^^. HUGE part of your problem. YOU are NOT faced with the task of finding a new job for HER. That is HER task. She is 22 not 12. She is 22, which is not barely an adult at all. She has been an adult for 4 years. At 22 most people can find a job for themselves (instead of having mummy find it for them). Heck, even my 16 year old has a job he applied for himself. Stop treating her like a child, stop revolving your life around your daughter, and start pushing her out in the the big scary world.

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Patrice - posted on 04/24/2013

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Amy, you may be right. She may be depressed. I actually work alot and at the end of the day all i want to do is relax but this year i have been going out without her socializing with people in my own peer group and it does make a difference.

Patrice - posted on 04/24/2013

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The reason i keep saying when i am gone is because every day i see things happening to people young and old, my age simply doesnt matter in this case. Yes i am only 43 but the reality is, in my opinion you have to plan for the unknown and raise your children to make it in the world without you, i just realized where i failed late in the game. Yes she is 22, but when i look at it i see time speeding up not slowing down until she catches up. It takes time to establish yourself and i want her to plan ahead, think about the future.

My opinion parenting never stops and i will always be concerned about her future and yes i am paranoid because i put alot of thought into the health and general well being of the person i decided to bring into this world. I may have excuses for overloving if there is such a thing. I may have gone over board by giving her what i did not have. Your right i may not have needed advice on how to proceed from here because i already figured that out. Maybe i just needed to vent. Thanks for listening and allowing me to air my thoughts with you and others.

Jodi - posted on 04/24/2013

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All I have left to say is that you seem to keep making excuses. Clearly you have issues with things the way they are. And yet, when you put it out there and ask for advice, you make excuses.

Can you see how this won't work for you?

Jodi - posted on 04/24/2013

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"but then when she became unemployed in feb she lost all motivation and i couldnt get through to her so that she understood you get knocked down but you have to get right back up, theres no more taking the summer off. I know where and how i went wrong and trying to fix it is like starting over from scratch"

But the point is, it isn't up to you to try and fix it. Why do you keep saying "when I am gone"? Have you been diagnosed with something? If you haven't then can I just say....you are 43 YEARS YOUNG!!!! Is there some reason you are seeing this as a death sentence? You are the same age as I am, and I am still raising an 8 year old. I am not nearly as paranoid about this as you are. She is an adult, my daughter isn't. I think you are creating more of an issue here than there needs to be.

Patrice - posted on 04/23/2013

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This is so true and is my number 1 concern. Tomorrow is not promised and anything could happen to me at anytime and i would leave her here to fend for herself and that is a terrifying thought.

Patrice - posted on 04/23/2013

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Here is the thing, i know i screwed the pooch on this one but here is the thing,
My daughter never goes out (drinking, partying, etc...) she is a true home body in every sense of the word so i also think ive done damage to her social life as well. So because i knew i would be the one to raise her solo, at the age of 21 i made a conscious decision that i would not have a variety of men running in and out of her life so i barely dated and if i did they never came around unless i thought it had the potential to be long term and sadly none of them did. So with the combination of that and her very absent father she has what i believe is zero trust in men. i have very few friends due to growth and lack of time and guess what she has very few as well. we really are attached at the hip. for the last 5 years weve also been co workers. when she has money she contributes to the house without question. now she is no longer employeed and she just doesnt have the drive or direction to go out and get her life. Part of the problem is that she is a very beautiful young lady and all her life people have told her that and that she should be a model so she relied on that thinking that one day someone would simply discover her well that didnt happen and i warned her that if thats what she wanted to do she would have to work for it but there was no passion or motivation. i told her that she needed to live in the real world. i got her the job with me and now that she isnt working there i am faced with the task of finding her a new one. well i prayed on it and the answer was for her to go to school to become a teacher. Well finally something she is excited about. Because she is a good girl i am not concerned about anything else just her getting a career. maybe we are on the right track now. I guess i have to remember she is barely an adult.

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