my 3/5 years old toddler girl beats me

Nessi - posted on 12/25/2012 ( 29 moms have responded )

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my toddler girl who is 3/5 beats me nonstop specially at bedtime, I can not stop her beating me with holding her hands and tell her:" it hearts momy when you beat me..." her response to me is laghing,, and starting over beating me hatefully!... at last when I put her into another room alone and close the door and turn on the light too,to punish her, then she tries to come out of the room but when she feels she has less power than me at that point ,,, I mean after an hour, then she stops.
vice versa at her daycare if a kid beats her which happens often, she laghs to them and say nothing, to stop them, not to beat her.
I do not know what to do , please give me advices...

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Ashley - posted on 12/26/2012

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you need to put your foot down and let her know you are in charge and she can not be hitting anyone, especially mommy. does she see anyone else hit you? and you say a kid at daycare beats her? you should talk to the day care, and ask they move one of them to another class, and if they dont, then find her a new one. the daycare can also decide not to accept that other child anymore because of his behavior. kids do what they see being done. if someone is hitting you, then that is where she is getting it from and why she thinks it is ok. if that is the case, you need to get out. im not saying it is, but in most cases, that's the reality.

Dove - posted on 12/25/2012

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Personally if one of my kids behaved that badly I would think there was something seriously wrong w/ them and have them evaluated by a professional.

F Stephanie - posted on 12/27/2012

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at her daycare if a kid beats her which happens often, she laghs to them and say nothing, to stop them, not to beat her Maybe you should find another daycare.I know I did and it helped
alot with my son,it stopped him from hitting me and of course I also explained about hitting and why it was wrong.

Krista - posted on 12/27/2012

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As a mom with four kids generally I dont agree with spanking to stop hitting either however you made need to get her attention to mean you are serious at first. Maybe u need to look for new daycare because it sounds like she isnt getting what she needs from this place and that is okay, some places are more loving and some are more disiplined, maybe she just needs something different. Just saying....also she may have started this becuse she is getting so much attention when she does it...plus its at a time of day she doesnt want to do something (go to bed), create a safe room in your house when she gets like that take her by the hand and lead her there with minimal reaction from u and let her control herself....when she settles go get her and love and talk to her then. At bed time put her to bed....let her "deal" with it for a while...when she settles then tuck her in and wish her good nights....but not if she is throwing her fit. Most importantly ypu have to decide and STICK to it, and MEAN it. You will see improvement in a few days when she figures out you mean what you say! It might take just a couple nights or up to a week to see improvement, it will depend on how well you stick to your own rules....she can't learn them if you dont know whar they are. Good luck mom! If you dont see improvment with this then I would consider having her evaluated...but I bet if you spent time looking at how she eats and try to improve that too you will see aspects of her being better. We are with u mom you can do it!

Cindy - posted on 12/27/2012

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This seems very serious too you. As a mom or four adults and a grandmother of 8 I have learned a lot over the years. Hitting her will NOT teach to stop hitting. But she is lashing out at you for some reason. She is hurt hurting or scared. You need to do two things first.
Take her for a complete overall physical. Make sure there is nothing organic going on like a food allergy ( grape koolaid made my youngest son go crazy he was allergic to the dye ) yeast allergies milk allergies etc. eye or ear problems. Then secondly make her a strict schedule and stick to it 3 weeks or more. A young child needs security not constant chaos and uncertainty. Eat sleep wake dress play all at same times each day If these things do NOT help at all make sure she is not being abused in any way emotionally or physically the lashing out is a cry for help as her mother it is your job to help her whatever it takes

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Leslie - posted on 01/10/2013

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She's lonely for you at night. She doesn't want to be shut off away from you because she's afraid of something. Lie next to her until she falls asleep. Let her sleep next to you in your bed. You're pushing her away and the sweet voice cover up doesn't work. She sees right through you and knows that she is less important than whatever it is that you do once you leave her and close the door. Is she? Break routine and show her that you'll do anything in love to get her to love you back. She's pissed at you.

Janelle - posted on 01/08/2013

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It sounds like the way she laughs about it after or even the "hatefully" part is concerning. Especially since you mentioned she is being hit in day care. She could be trying to tell you but is unable to. Also you said people tell you she is not social. I think you suspect something other than naughty behavior is going on here. Speak to a pediatrician, have her evaluated. It may not be her fault. In the mean time try swaddling her in a large towel when it's time for a time out.

J M - posted on 01/08/2013

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Sympathy for the child. Agree with Brandy a few others, but "not" the first reply comment.... as that sounded bullyish.... straighten her out, um yeah right. As she is ONLY under 4.....

But then negative reply comments on what others would do to towards such young children may just mean thats the only way some have been taught themselves.

Somethings amis here, dont see she has spoken to the Day care supervisor. Don't see she has cared to take the child out of the Day Care bad ENVIRONMENT< teach the child her self.

Why are so many just hand over the most precious wee children at such young ages over to Day care centers.

EG: look first at the WHOLE picture, the WHOLE family then needs help and the Day Care and the Child hitting her child um they all should take a visit then to see a Psych, um

Look first at trusting yourself and with YOU can do do help your own Child. If you are serious enough to speak about your problems here, then also Go to a group where you can face to face support.


2-3 yr old... It is NOT the child's problem, its the lack Skills of others.

And not just be ready to pop her down to a Psychologist, ): oh sad .gezzzze.

Unfortunately if you trust other ALL DAY to care for a very young child, then you are not their primary caregiver for those hrs they are learning bad habits from.

Get her out of that Day Care,and Teach her yourself, you must trust to know your own child better than strangers some may feel. Else you will only have lost and handed control over to others.

When does hitting a young toddler back who hits becomes right ? Look at the whole facts carefully first ....

If you hit back, then try to say its wrong, you will "Only give mixed messages" which leads to a confused Child.

Comments here like, Popping? spanking? where do some get their parental skills from? Form 2-3 yr olds?

Some comments here will only reinforce that hitting is ok, when you are trying to teach a very young child thats its not.

Is this America? And is it legal in America to hit back, or spank, small children? Just because some say they are their children( they are not property) and though all children a firm hand, and need to know proper boundaries, its obvious here that some one has already stepped over a boundary with this wee toddler in the Care Centre, children have rights as well, to be in a safe place and treated with respect and kindness.

You have a lot of spelling errors in your blog...

You have not said you have gone for professional help first?She obviously has learn't this behavior from some one. Some times out side behavior or "acting out is a cry for help".

If you child is learning this behavior from day care, then wonder why you have not seriously spoke to the Day Care supervisor?

You really need professional counseling parental help, adults with any higher knowledge, and proper people / Social skills .

Adults should not be making comments here to "just spank the child? Qualified Teacher or not a parent is any child's first Teacher.... Where is the Empathy for al the facts here.

Have You Spoken to the Day Care Supervisor? As you do say " If a kid beats her"..

HECK If any child is gets a beating, then guess they are allowed to react afraid and may be NOT then trust others.um

Come on why is this parent not Dealing first with he Day care situation? and any beating this poor child gets.

May be the Day Care needs a " very concerned talking to" as all Children are under their care during times where parents cannot be with them. Seems may be a lot of hitting what ever their as well.




Disorder?
Yes the disorder is in the Day care, and societies DISORDER, when all just say hit back... that is NOT the answer.

Some here well meaning as they may feel to be, Cannot judge to say any child has a disorder, before you have really had more years to help her yourself, after all you are her best help no? ,her parent.

Where is the structure / routines, eating habit foods stuffs diet/ exercise/ then down time reading? before bed time, quality time you spend with her, if any?

Where is the perseverance, she is probably still in nappies "and needs her own Mother to take care of her.

And if you cannot then guess others behavior will be her teacher of all her habits in her first 5 yrs.

You teach her, or just reap what other teach or don't teach her in first 5 Crucial yrs.

Michelle - posted on 01/08/2013

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I would strongly encourage you to have her evaluated before starting any new discipline plan. If she has a disorder of any sort, a professional will be able to help you to help her in the right way. The sooner you look into it, the better. A child psychologist is a great place to start. You may be referred to an occupational therapist if they suspect a sensory processing disorder. Look that up and see if it sounds like something your daughter may have. Good luck!!

Pamela - posted on 12/28/2012

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Children learn initially through IMITATION! Whose action is she imitating? Who has taught her how to hit? Find the culprit and eliminate the action through patient retraining.

Children are not born with these habits they learn them from someone! The fact that you have allowed it to continue for so long means the habit will be difficult...BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE to break!

Perhaps a phone conversation with a child psychologist can give you some pointers on what to do to better manage the situation and break the habit pattern.

Ashley - posted on 12/28/2012

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Your husband also needs to help more. Putting your child in front of the tv all the time is not healthy and is not working. She could also be learning some of this from what she is watching on tv. My children are allowed in front of the tv for 2 hours a day at the most, whether it be playing video games or watching something. Sometimes when they get hyper and want to go crazy, I will turn a cartoon on and tell them it is quiet time for 20 or 30 minute, just lobg enough for them to calm down. My husband also loves his video games and computer, and we had issues with it about 8 years ago, until one day he came home and alk of it was sitting at the curb with the trash. Since then, we came to an agreement that he would only be on them when the kids r at school, in bed, or if he was playing a game with the kids. Now, he only plays for a little bit aftervthe kids go to bed every nightt and when the kids wabt to play with him. Even if he is on the computer, he now pays attention to whatever elsr is going on in the house as well. If the kids are giving me a hard time, he is off the electrobics and on there ass. He likes to lecture, think he got it from his dad. But it works and they listen better when tbey know that mom and dad arw a team and have the same rules and consistensy. Make ur husband help more, even if it means breaking the computer to get him off it.

Brandy - posted on 12/28/2012

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When she does that put her in a safe place and walk away. Tell her you will not acknowledge her when she's acting like that. Giver her time to cool down and then go in and tell her that it not only physically hurts you but it also hurts your feelings. Also your husband should be stepping in and helping with this. If he is reluctant then throw the computer/gaming system out the window. When my husband is home (he's in the military) and the kids are being rude or disrespectful to me, he jumps on that behavior hard core. It usually involves a good scolding and time out with him saying "you don't talk to MY wife like that" and they have to apologize to him and me. If it's a bad day and the behavior is repeated then they get a pop on the bottom from him plus the time out.
My sister-in-law (who lived with us) passed away 2 years ago and my son saw her as a 2nd mom, he loved her (he was 2). I went from having a 2yr old and 4 month old to also having her 8 week old. My son didn't know how to process all of it so he started to lash out. He really just needed some extra attention. So we would put himin time out when he was bad and once he served his time I would talk to him.We told him that if he needed attention then he needs to tell us. After a few days he didn't lash out anymore.
I'd definitely evaluate any family changes like, did you go back to work recently, was your husband laid off, are you facing financial problems, a death, or move. All these can be reasons for her behavior.
I'd also have her checked out. She could have autism or something like that and definitely look into allergies. If my kids have any amount of processed sugary foods they go off the deep end and are uncontrollable.
Good Luck and God Bless
Brandy

Carolyn - posted on 12/27/2012

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She may have a medical condition that doesn't allow her to feel pain or she may be autistic. Get her to a doctor for advice.

Lisa - posted on 12/27/2012

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Sounds to me like there is some serious family disfunction and as a parent you have an obligation to do the right thing. Why are you so reluctant to take your daughter out of a bad situation? why don't you know that letting your child getting hit at a daycare is not okay. Sounds to me like you both need to get some professional help so that you know that this behavior is not typical of a toddler. Please don't let this happen to your beautiful child. Get the help that you need. Don't be a victim of ignorance. Take charge of your life and your childs life I pray that God will show you how to handle this and give you the strength to deal with it.

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First get her out of that daycare. If you have spoken to the people in charge and they have done nothing to fix the problem, it is time to find a new daycare. After the first incident I would have been livid. And made certain that it was handled.

Secondly, have your daughter seen by a professional and evaluated.

Speak with the professional about finding ways to dicspline her that work.

Also, you claim that you are not in a violent dangerous relationship, however, if you are, you need to get out asap. Your daughter comes first.

Mary Ann - posted on 12/27/2012

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She may be doing this for the attention. She may like getting a reaction from you even though it is a negative reaction it is still a reaction and a form of power. Discipline when she is doing wrong. No spanking! Time out may work. Put her in the corner quickly and tell her this is because you hit Mommy and then walk away. Do not give her the attention she may be wanting. Instead find a time when she is doing good and praise her with positive attention.

FoxyMom - posted on 12/27/2012

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Live is great but also remember as a parent love also means discipline and makin your child unhappy to teach them. Just because she crys does not mean you are a bad mom, she has to learn how to work out her anger and deal wih it. It sounds like somewhere along the way she hit and got her way so that's how she manipulates to get what he wants.

Not sure if you are familiar with dogs but training them is similar to "training" kids. I they do something wrong I is possible to reward for bad behavior without realizing it. When they are bad dont give them what they want. When they are good praise them but be sure not to use food or stuff. They should be good because it makes you happy.

Angel - posted on 12/27/2012

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I also think she should be checked out, and it seems like she may be the one hitting first at the daycare since it is more than one kid that has hit her. It's not normal for a child to be hit and have no reaction, get her checked ASAP.

Carol - posted on 12/27/2012

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Have her checked out. But for the most part from the time my kids (all four) were six months old if we were playing and they started to hit i would hold thier hands and say firmly "no hits, ever, no hits" and they didn't

Jessica - posted on 12/27/2012

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Go seek professional help so that your toddler can be evaluated and you can be given the apprropriate guidelines. That is not something you should ignore or take lightly. She is not likely to "grow out of it". It is not typicall or normal. See what is affecting your chilld.

Cheryl - posted on 12/27/2012

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Sounds like she is playing out what happens to her at daycare which is not good. The first step is to find another daycare for her. The second step is to talk to her and tell her that hitting is not nice and will not be accepted by anyone. To do this you will need to use techniques that have been mentioned in previous posts for example timeouts, taking toys away etc. you have to teach the same lesson over and over until she gets it. You CANNOT allow her to beat you because that will become normal to her and will create bigger problems in the future for both of you.

Nessi - posted on 12/26/2012

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yes here it seems something different going on with my doughter, which I have some explanation for that, but the only thing I had tried from the begining with my relation with my doughter been just love, she has almost everything she needs to and even more ...I always hug her and kiss her and tell her look at me, momy want to say something to you:" I love you for ever, and you are everything in my life" almost 80 persent of my time at home is spending time and playing with her after she comes back home from daycare, almost too many attention.
her father is at home almost alot, but sitting in front of computer in a seprate room and just encourage her with watching TV, which always make us quarralel with eachother since I do not want her to wath TV more than 2 hours.
my husband does not hit me or she has never experienced hitting or bad behaviour at home , but unfortunatly at daycare... it has happened maybe 10 reported times in htis year which different kids has hit her and she had no reaction over them, it seems she is affraied of something to say no to kids there, in daycare, tried to talk to daycare personals manytimes , before she starts hitting me but got no time.... now it is two months that she I guess over react somthing at home and on me most , also on her father... like just jump on oss, even she knows it is painfull or throw stuffs to me, and sometimes even her father...
I have tried my best to keep calm and tel her to stop be violent untill I got mad and scereamed on her with a high temper angerness...since she does never listen to me!
the other things is that I almost shuted at my daughter alot in my behaviour since I always had problem with her since she says No with almost everything I want she does, like:
eating, getting dressed, changing dyper , taking shower, brushing her teeth, changing dress to bed time, washing their hands after comming back home from outsid, do not eat icecream alomost everyday and so on... almost anything...
I had only hard time with her.
she does not talk with anybody but with me and her father.
people tell me she is not social, and even I noticed she is not nice to people who visit oss , which happens rarely!

Ashley - posted on 12/26/2012

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there is a comment on here that says to spank there butt, which i dont agree with at all. if you tell her not to hit you, and then you spank her, that is just going to confuse her, and it will not work. you can do timeouts, take things away. put her on the couch with some cartoons for quiet time, or redirect her to do something else. you can not expect a child not to hit you, when you hit them.

FoxyMom - posted on 12/26/2012

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Watch some super nanny. I would get her checked out for any disorders before you disclipine to make sure you're not going up the wrong road. But remember YOU ARE THE PARENT. Try to take a step back and look at your environment, your behavior, how things work when the behavior is going on. What are you giving into that inforces this behavior? Look at her diet also.

Michelle - posted on 12/26/2012

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Telling a child not to hit while you hit them isn't going to work!

I agree with Dove and there sounds like there is something else wrong, it doesn't sound like normal toddler behaviour.

Jodi - posted on 12/25/2012

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Oh, yeah, spanking her butt will teach her not to hit...... :\

Tyla - posted on 12/25/2012

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She is a kid spank her butt!! Take away her toys:/ alot of kids hit sometimes but that is ridiculous when my 2 and a half year old hits me I pop him on his butt and make him sit in his rooms for 2 and a half minutes or until he comes and says he is sorry....then I get eye level with him and explain that hitting does not feel good, if I hit him he would not like it so why would he hit me...he normally says he is sorry and gives me a kiss and doesnt hit for a long time

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