My 3yr old son does not want to see his father

Jas - posted on 10/15/2012 ( 32 moms have responded )

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I have a 3yr old, and a 1yr old. Both are boys and they mean the world to me. In July this year My 3yr old witnessed me being assaulted by his father. Since then my 3yr old has refused to see his father stating he is a horrible man, and he is frightened from him. This man who assaulted me is also the father of my 1yr old boy. When I concieved our second child he asked for a DNA. This was taken and proved he is the father. He now is seeking contact with the 1yr old too. We have been to court with him applying for residence for both children. He has never paid any child maintance. And has declared to the inland revenue he earns less than £5 a week so no maintance would be recieved for the kids. My 3yr old has now started to make himself sick. i guess it's all worries of him seeing his father again. My son has asked me to speak to the courts and tell them he doesn't want to see his father. Has anyone been through something similar? could anyone give me tips as to what to do?

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Jodi - posted on 10/16/2012

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OK, well, unfortunately, your son is 3. He doesn't have a say. There is a court order in place. You could be held in contempt if you don't show up with him. I really don't know what to advise - I've never been in a similar situation. I think maybe you will have to get a counsellor, perhaps a court appointed one, involved. How long ago did this assault take place?

Jennifer - posted on 10/20/2012

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Your kids need therapy, too. They need a safe place to express their emotions. They also need to learn what is appropriate behavior and what is not.

Jennifer - posted on 10/20/2012

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Hello! I am a psychologist and a mom in the States. My heart goes out to you! Please understand that when your children witness their father being violent to you, this constitutes

emotional abuse. Their grandparents telling them you are far away is also emotional abuse. The courts need to understand your sons are being harmed by this behavior. It is likely they already suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A psychologist should fully evaluate the childrens' emotional wellbeing and advise the courts their father is causing emotional harm, which interferes with their ability to learn and. develop normally. The father should be made to undergo a psychiatric evaluation, and therapy

AnMa - posted on 10/16/2012

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If she does not follow the court order she will make trouble for herself for not complying. She needs a social worker involved and not go against the court order. A child at such young age has no saying in court, sad but true.

Dove - posted on 10/16/2012

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If you don't follow the court order... you risk losing custody to the father. Your son may not want to see his father, but he is 3 and it is, unfortunately, not his choice. Try to find a counselor for your son who could testify on his behalf in court, but in the meantime... do not violate the court order. I wouldn't want to see you on here in 6 months terrified because the court decided to give custody to this man since you withheld his access to his child.



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Sharon - posted on 11/10/2013

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I son dad take me to court for shard care and he been in and out for is life for 4 years he got nasty with my son me and my girl see it he hit him and nipp him my son dose want to go with is dadbut is dad said he will get him

Mona - posted on 08/09/2013

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Yes my daughter had the same problem but believe me no one will believe you they will think you are trying to avoid contact .I have realised in these court cases everything work on evidence .try to record your child saying he doesn't want to go without telling the child and possible show the recording to the court .my husband was abusive with me but still got supervised contact and after that he got unsupervised contact .he used to record every contact of the children to show the court my influence on my children are so bad that they say I hate you all the time .no one understand that children can't forget the violence they witnessed in the house .how can you like someone who hate their mother and tell them all the time and our courts tell us to let the children to have a relationship with a man like them.

Leigh - posted on 11/07/2012

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WHAT IS WRONG WITH HUMAN BEINGS?!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEN AND OUR SYSTEMS. IT IS ALWAYS THE MALE (WHO ARE IN DENIAL) BRINGING VIOLENCE INTO OUR HOMES AND THE MEN IN THE SYSTEM ALONG WITH OTHER WOMEN WHO DEFEND THESE MEN. IT IS ALWAYS THE MEN AT ANY AGE WHO WANTS POWER. AND WOMEN SAY THEY LIKE MEN. THIS IS SOOOOOOO BAD. EVENTUALLY YOUR SON WILL TURN THE SAME WAY AND TREAT YOU LIKE THE FATHER DID. AND YOU WILL CALL COPS PIGS, LAWYERS, ASSHOLES, AND JUDGES, JUST ANOTHER ABUSIVE MALE. LOOK WHAT HAPPENS TO OUR LITTLE BOYS. IT MAKES ME SICK. ITS NOT JUST YOUR LIFE, THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. I LIKE A MALE UNTIL HE BECOMES A MAN.

Jas - posted on 10/20/2012

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Hello Jennifer,



Thank you, as soon as I read your message I was on the phone to my solicitor. He's asked to see your message as he would like to bring this point forward to courts. He fully agrees with your comments. I don' know how much the law on children custody is different from states to UK.



I do thank you for sending me your mesage.

Jas - posted on 10/19/2012

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Hello Dove,



Thank you for you post, I will look into what you have mentioned.



Thanks once again.

Jas - posted on 10/19/2012

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Hello to everyone,



Thank you all for your support... You all have given me good advice, some to which I never had thought of. Your replies have given me hope and encouragement.



From the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best, and I pray if any of you lovely caring ladies are in my situation that you too find justice not just for yourself but for your children.



It's a cruel world we live in, Our children at a tender age are fragile like china glass, we as parents do everything we can to protect them for harm.... But then in court language... a parent has Rights on children, some rights are right, and some are wrong. Policy needs to change, change for the better, the courts need to start, and understand the feelings of younger children, children under the age of 5yrs. Only then we can all rest and live a peaceful life.



Thanks once again, and I'll keep you all posted...

Felicia - posted on 10/18/2012

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thank you for replying back to me that was real nice of you ....god doesnt sleep...il be praying for you and your boys!

Dove - posted on 10/18/2012

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Aw... My heart is breaking for your little boy. PLEASE look into some sort of counseling for him ASAP. At 3 he may not be able to have a say, but a qualified counselor willing to testify in court on his behalf could REALLY help your case.

Dawn - posted on 10/18/2012

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First off, I can completely relate. My son is also 3 and he too goes for court ordered visits with his father too.



If tere is already a court order or parenting order in effect, then you honestly can't do anything about the visits. You ovide by them or its you who gets an ear full from the courts. You could also be charged as well.

If I were in your shoes I would contact your cities family court councilor and address the situation. Then ask about making an appointment for you and the father to attend to discuss your sons concerns. Dot forget you will need proof of your sons concerns. If the assault was reported then there should be a file. Call the authorities to see if you could get your hands on a copy.

Request the visits to be supervised until the father is proven not to be a danger to your children.

In my opinion, for a child, it is extremely important for them to have contact and a good relationship with both parents. It's for the child's best interests. Unless something proves the father to be unstable.

My son was also exposed to my ex abusing me on a regular basis. I had an abuse and danger assessment done and the courts didn't even want to see them because it didn't involve harming of the child. Which I personally, disagree with completely because the child is still being exposed to an endangering situation.

Make sure you address all of your concerns; child maintenance payments, exposition of violence, child's physiological fears ect.

I really hope this helps you!

Jas - posted on 10/17/2012

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Judy Jones,



Thank you for your help and advice, It is heart breaking to see my 3yr old son crying and refusing to go to see his father. I'm back in court on tuesday next week. I'm trying my best to find people who can help my sons. It makes you think how many children out there who don't want to see a parent and are actually forced to go. In the UK the courts say that a child aged 3yrs can not say what he wants. And that it is in the childs best interest for the child to see his father. But however if he was 5yrs then things would be seen in a different manner. My son has been seeing his father from the age of 1yrs old, and this was through courts. My son back then used to cry everytime he had to go. And when he used to come back he would never leave my side. his behaviour has been affected when his father used to drop him my son would remain silent until his father had gone, My son would sit quitely and ask me to hold him, he would mention that his father, and grandparents would say that I had gone faraway and I would never return. they started to say that I had died.! My son would cry everynight before his visit day, and he would say he didn't want to go to his father. Now he's 3yrs old, and since witnessing the assault on me, my son has refused, he's much happier not visiting his father, until last friday, after my court hearing i had to mention about the contact with his father resuming. Since then he's making himself sick, he wakes up at night crying and refusing to see his father. He started nursery last week, and this week he has already hit two children in his class. When he was asked as to why he had done this he told his teacher that he's angry with his father, and very sad. because no one is listening to him.... I'm stuck and very hurt from inside, as I know this is damaging my sons development. If he doesn't have any strong development foundation at this age, I wonder what he will be like when he's grown up.

Judy - posted on 10/17/2012

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I have not been through what you are going through but I think your 3 yr. old is amazing smart and is listening to his inner self...and asking you to listen also. He is right. He should not be forced to see his father and I would seek all the professional help possible to honor his wishes. Now is the time to break the circle of violence with your sons. There is no need for a second generation of men to carry on, as I know you are well aware. Don't stop seeking professional help until you get what you know is right for your sons. They have a whole life ahead of them and they deserve a good life. There are people to help you.

Melissa - posted on 10/17/2012

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My daughters father would curse at me in front of her ...he would only work parttime when I worked 2 jobs ..didnt help clean the house and was teaching her to hit...he had a very negative childhood his mom didnt want him or his 2 sisters their father was abusive to their mother..he also witnessed his dad choking his mom when he was 2 ...he lived part of his teenage years in an orphan home...hes very negative and insociable his mom said he used to sit in a dark room with a hoody on his head and just look depressed...he was rough with his younger siblings...and was showing rough behavior with our daughter...he never thought of me on mothers day or wanted to be involved with anything on holidays...so recently i had enough this past Sunday i was off from both jobs.....so we were home together I made coffee breakfast and was gonna go do laundry so he would have clean clothes for the week and from out of the Blue he just starts being rude and calling me a fat ass...and questions me when im about to eat something...he hated my mom and she does sooooo much for our daughter she just finished cáncer treatment and wasnt supportive of me at all instead said things like fuck your mom..and used the "c" word quite often referring to her...also he calls his mom by her first name not "mom"...so i got fed up and told him to leave ...and he Did ...he has been gone for only 3 days and not once has he asked how adelina is

Leanne - posted on 10/17/2012

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firstly it is important to mention that your child definately does not need to be exposed to any more violence as they internalise this form schemas and blame themselves for the violence which could inturn lead to your son becoming a future perpetrator and looking down the track is this the life you would choose for him your partner sounds possessive and jealous and could well use the children to get at you especially if you reject him or move on you need to be aware that violent men extend their violene in most cases to their children my advice relocate dont give him or the court your new address they dont change get out while your children are still small

Leanne - posted on 10/17/2012

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firstly it is important to mention that your child definately does not need to be exposed to any more violence as they internalise this form schemas and blame themselves for the violence which could inturn lead to your son becoming a future perpetrator and looking down the track is this the life you would choose for him your partner sounds possessive and jealous and could well use the children to get at you especially if you reject him or move on you need to be aware that violent men extend their violene in most cases to their children my advice relocate dont give him or the court your new address they dont change get out while your children are still small

Melissa - posted on 10/16/2012

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My daughters father was lazy and verbally abusive to me i had to stop the trend for my daughter....growing up myself I saw abuse Between my dad and mom

Labionda - posted on 10/16/2012

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Hi Mihaela Petre



I'm sorry but this is a three year old once his Dad towering over him he won't tell his mom what's really happening over the phone. Yes she should tell him not to worry or have bad feelings towards his dad but he's 3 thy are worry worts. Would you leave your kids with your abusive ex alone?

Labionda - posted on 10/16/2012

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Don't you know of some groups that represent mothers in your position? If you could get their help in assessing your child's feelings and behavior when he's with yr ex it might help. Or if the judge sees how scared your son is of your ex? Dont know have never been in the situation but feel for you wish I could do more to help, your first priority is to stand up for your son I wouldn't in courage you to put yourself or your kids in the same house as that man again. You got out alife once.

Jas - posted on 10/16/2012

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Hi Felicia,



100% he's no MAN! But it's a shame that he can't understand his son does not want to see him. I wish the courts would see what every young child wants, and would respect the childs wishes. Both my sons mean the world to me, and I will do everything in my power as a mother to protect them.

Jas - posted on 10/16/2012

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Hi Jodi

I was assaulted in July this year. This all happened in front of my son, and it's since then he has refused seeing his father.

Star - posted on 10/16/2012

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I am so sorry to her that you are going through. Have you tried to see if the court would give him supervise visits? This may help ease your three yr old mind, because he is way to young to be stressing over grown problems.

Mihaela - posted on 10/16/2012

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you do can do something about it. first of all buy a cell phone and have your older son use & guard it so that when he is with his father you can always talk to him, check up on him. You can also tell him not to fear his father and that the problems between you 2 does not affect him... but if this happens (and the man turns violent) you can always report him and stop him from doing it again.another ideea would be to actually tell your son to give him another chance... and try not to show your feelings about this man in front of your child...

AnMa - posted on 10/16/2012

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You can ask for supervised visitations. There the court can appoint social worker to be present at the time of the visit. The worker would make reports to court based on how they go. Hope this helps.

Felicia - posted on 10/16/2012

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ok first im very sorry to here that you have been assaulted in frunt of your kids...i think that your son is scared of being alone with his father its not for no reason ...always stick by your child..when hes older and if he choses to want to see his father then thats a diffrent story but as for right now i wouldnt make him see someone he doesnt feel safe with...your his mother and he needs you right now...as for the money if he doesnt want to support his own kids then hes not a MAN! i dont know why you would want anything from someone who doesnt want to give anything in the first place....i think that you should keep your children safe with you and forget about this guy yes hes the father of you kids and you cant do anything about that but if your kids dont want to see him at such a young age that says alot about him! i wish you all the best but please stick by you kid and listen if he doesnt want to see him there a reason behind it....!

Katina - posted on 10/16/2012

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If your son's father has been granted visitation by the court you only make the situation worse by not complying. The situation you find yourself in is not a good place to be, and unfortunately in situations like this your ex can make the visitation more about hurting you than it is for the benefit of the children. It needs to not be about your relationship with the father and totally about the relationship the father has with his children. If you have proof that this man has done something to his children or you feel as though your children would be in danger that is one thing. Otherwise, you need to comply with the visitation agreement. Children are very protective, but still just children. They do not need to be put in a position where they have to choose between parents even when one is so obviously wrong. There are no easy answers in this case;however, the best course of action is to put the children's needs first.

Malissa - posted on 10/16/2012

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Sorry to hear the issue u are haveing with ur ex? When my son was 2 he witness his father doin the same if not worse since then he is now 7 has not had anything to do with him either end. Ur job is to protect ur children! And look out what's best for them. Idk where u are from but where I come from there is what they consider primary and custdial parents I'm the primary provider which only give him consent for school or hospitals or anything like that. If there is no court order for ur children to visit with the father I wouldn't till there was if u fear bad from them goin, u will only make sure self sick if something happens while they in his care. When a case gets started n abuse is involved they give ur children a law guardian who is for the kids. And when it does happen let it be know efvery thing from abuse to ur childs wellbeing and what's been goin on. Make

Jas - posted on 10/16/2012

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Hi Jodi,

The court have aksed for 3 meetings at the contact centre, then after to revert back to my ex's house. But again my son is refusing.

Jodi - posted on 10/15/2012

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If you've been to court, what does the court order say about visitation?

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