my 3yr old WONT listen to me ever unless i scream at her.??i am tired of yelling at her.

YADIRA - posted on 04/05/2010 ( 192 moms have responded )

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i have tried time out...she will sit there all day, i take her toys away.. she doesnt care, i hate saying kendal no, kendal please stop, kendal i said no, please baby stop, finally KENAL I SAID STOP IT! i never wanted to be a yeller.. plus i think it hurts me to have to yell at my daughter to get her to listen to me =0( what can i do? i am ready to call super nanny..lol

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Maria - posted on 04/09/2010

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There is a book about this I have been reading as I approach parenting my own son. I have found the principles very helpful. You may want to give it a try. It's called "Making the Terrible Twos Terrific". Good luck!!

Clare - posted on 04/09/2010

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my son use to b like that but doing stuff he likes doing n spending the day together he loves it he now listens when i say no but i really dint think it wud work and im shocked how mush his behaviour has changed try it n it will work x

Sinead - posted on 04/09/2010

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I had a similar issue with time out in that my boy would sit there all day too! I find that if you dont say anything that works i.e. just go over and take the toy away or pick her up and take her to where you want her to go. They try and wind you up so that you will give them attention by shouting and if that does not happen adn things remain calm they tend to work with you rather than against you. I know its easier said than done but I do find if I remain calm and talk in a calm voice things are resolved without tantrums etc.

Bianca - posted on 04/09/2010

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hi i see there are alot of comments on this post. good to hear you are all trying your best to get your children to listen to you. I use to be a yeller up until i found out that there is a better way to talk to children. keep in mind that not everything works for every child. try by firstly getting to yr daughter's eye level and use I statments when you talk to her in age approprate talk. my 4 children now talk and listen to me better also my youngest has a speech delay but he understand what im saying and listens to me. so if i want them to pick up their toys or put their cup out i say to them i would like you to put out your cup or pick up your toyssothen they wont get broken and someone wont trip over them and hurt themself. I have also learnt that if you spank a child it is just showing them it is ok for them to hit others. i also positive redirect from bad behaviour. also i have learnt that useing bad girl good girl is wrong so basicly if my children do a good thing i say well done for putting your toys away i am happy that you have done that. they are better children but not perfect but then again who is.

Joanne - posted on 04/08/2010

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wow im so glad im not the only one with this problem my 4yr old son is exactly the same :0( and i feel like i loose control when i yell!

Tamsin - posted on 04/08/2010

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The not yelling thing works well I discovered not on purpose, after having my own 20 month old son here and looking after my 30 month old nephew they were quite naughty and got into this sesame street wall hanging flichart thing that I hadnt given them but bought and put away, Got into it tore it to shreds, I was too upset to yell at them I actually cried (not on purpose was just a very frustrating day that day) and it freaked my nephew out big time he kept coming up and giving me cuddles and saying aunty tam sad. I said yes because you were both naughty boys and wrecked aunty tams posters. That makes me very sad. I know he got the message that day because he was quite a good boy for the rest of the day, they both were.

Kristi - posted on 04/08/2010

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I sure understand your frustration factor. I have had enough experience with my 2 girls to know that yelling never fixes anything. In fact, when I lose my cool, guess what they learn is appropriate behavior...? Yup. Then I have to watch and bang my head against the wall because they will yell and throw things until I teach them a better way of dealing with their inability to express themselves and their volatile little kid feelings. Instead of repeating "no" a bunch of times, say specifically what it is you want her to stop doing . Maybe twice if you really think she might not have heard you the first time. "Kendal, stop pulling the dog's tail." The end. If she doesn't stop, then pick her up firmly and remove her from whatever it is you want her to stop doing. Time out has been shown to NOT work at all to teach anything. Little kids are too young to process the idea of going somewhere alone to think about what they are doing. Instead, keep her SUPER close to you doing something right next to her so she cannot possibly do something you don't want her to do. (They call this "time-in") Get her involved in a little chore where she can't mess up with you right there. It's hard work mom, but this too will pass. Hang in there and try your very best to keep your voice level under control or you will have a screaming banshee child on your hands. You can do it! :) Hugs to you and Kendal!

Kimberly - posted on 04/08/2010

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What works with our two year olds is to tell them what we want them to do. Instead of saying NO or STOP we tell them what we want them to do instead. If they are climbing on something we say "Put your feet on the floor." If they are standing on a chair we say "Sit on your bottom." If they are going limp when I need them to hold my hand and walk I say "Walking feet, please." If they don't immediately start doing what I want them to do I either immediately go into proximity with them (if it's a safety issue) and amazingly as I move they do what I wanted them to. They have heard me, they are just testing to see if I mean it. If it's not an urgent safety situation (like I want them to give a toy back that they grabbed or I want them to come to me to get dressed) then I count backward from 10 - slowly and calmly. They know this is their chance to think about it and do what Mommy said, and usually they will do it. If they don't then I do the proximity thing. When they do what I want I praise them even if I've had to enforce it because I want to reward their good behavior. I probably praise a bit more when they do it on their own without me enforcing - and I tell them good listening, too. The key is learning short powerful phrases that tell your child what to do, saying them calmly but with authority, and developing a consistent system so she will know that you mean what you say.

I also agree with others who have said to make sure it is not a hearing or neurological issue. My older daughter is ASD but wasn't diagnosed until 4.5 years, after 3 years of me banging my head against a wall to get her to do anything. So when a parent is this frustrated with their kid (frustrated enough to post on a chat board) I encourage them to discuss ALL concerns with their pediatrician and if that doesn't work go to your school district where they have to assess your child for free for any developmental concerns that you have after age 3.

K - posted on 04/08/2010

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I have a nearly 3yr old boy and a 4yr old girl and a 10mnth old and I also have to yell to get them to stop & listen, I am sick of the sound of my own voice but have started a reward chart they can earn stickers for each day and each task they do for me with out having to ask 10 times and yell at them for. This has proven an incentive to do the right thing and talking through what you expect from them (at bath time/bedtime or out shopping etc) They get more time with mummy or a treat! If they get 10 stickers each week. They have to learn there are consequences for actions. Also try talking to how daycare/kindy teachers deal with all the kids they watch all day-without having to yell. My kids seem to listen to them! They have a few great techniques, positive reinforcement is the key. Good Luck! I watch supernanny too!

Jodie - posted on 04/08/2010

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get her ears checked and a hearing test done! I was exactly the same and it turns out the poor little dude couldnt hear me unless i yelled due to a constant stream of ear infections that had gone undiagnosed, he is now has scarring on his eardrums and almost no hearing in his right ear, we are on the waiting list to get grommets put in.

Brittnii - posted on 04/08/2010

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shes at that age..the rebellious 3's...my advice to u would be to get down to her level...get on ur knees and talk to her face to face...tell her that what she is doing is bad...she might not understand at first but eventually she will...also u could try to reward her for being a good girl...tell her if she is a good girl today mommy will get her some ice cream or a toy...good luck hun♥

Suzanne - posted on 04/08/2010

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MY SON IS ALMOST 3 AND IVE BEEN HAVING THE SAME PROBLEM FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS NOW I HAVE NOTICED HE TENDS TO DO IT MORE WHEN HE IS DOING SOMETHING NEW OR SOMETHING HE SHOULDNT BE! I HAVE STARTED (ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC) GETTIN DOWN ON MY KNEES SO I AM ON HIS LEVEL TELLING HIM TO LOOK AT ME AND SLOWLY BUT FIRMLY TELLING HIM IF HE DOES NOT BEHAVE AND LISTEN TO MUMMY WE ARE GOING STRAIGHT HOME AND HE IS GOING TO BED WITH NO MORE PLAYTIME

Caitriona - posted on 04/08/2010

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Hi, Try the opposite and see if Kendal reacts. Be calm, and quiet, and if she wont respond, walk away from her. Leave the room if you have to. See if it helps. I was like you, sick of shouting and screaming and constantly pleading with my little girl. I tried the Calmer approach and she hated it. We dont shout as much. Also I let her watch Supernanny one day, and told her that she has cameras in peoples houses and would put her on tele and everyone would see her being naughty. She was devastated and hated the idea of people knowing how naughty she was. She s a pleasure at the moment, but if it works I will use it. Bless Supernanny, ha ha. Hope some of this helps. Keep positive, it will get easier. Caitriona

YADIRA - posted on 04/08/2010

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yeah... she really hates standing by the wall with her nose on the wall!!!! lol and the whispering is making her stop what she is doing an she leans in and listens to me! and is doing what i ask! she still is being her same difficult self most of the time but i think that it will get better! thank you all for comments!!

Ruth - posted on 04/08/2010

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I hear ya girlfriend. My daughter is 2 1/2, smart as a whip, and an absolute angel at daycare. But the minute she gets home, she will spill her toys and not pick them up, pee her pull up or take the pull up off & pee on the floor then tell me to be quiet. She doesn't care at all about listening to me.

Rosie - posted on 04/08/2010

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You have to try your best not to yell. I had or should say have the same problem. My three year old son was impossible. He wouldn't listen to a word I said unless I yelled. He also had an answer for everything. He is now 8 and it's a struggle. He's a great kid, a brilliant kid, but he also knows how to play me. It's taken a lot of effort on my part to remain patient, because at the end of the day let's face it...we are all exhausted...but the my efforts have been making him less defiant and more enjoyable. It's fixable but try to start now. You don't want to look back a few years from now and feel bad you've yelled so much and you don't want her to learn those same behaviors. Good luck. It's not easy but it is worth it.

Rachael - posted on 04/08/2010

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Wow, there's a lot of replies already! I read through some, but not all so if I'm repeating someone I apologize. I have 3 girls and have gone through this same problem with my middle child. (She is 4 now, and still very headstrong but better.) I find you must pick your battles. Figure out what behavior you absolutely will not tolerate and let the rest go. You'll drive yourself mad otherwise. (Believe me, I know! LOL!) Ok, so you would really rather her NOT pull clothes out of the hamper to play dress up with, but it's not as big of a deal as say...hitting the baby. So let the clothes thing slide and focus on the proper way to treat people. Also, lower your voice purposefully. You may have to talk for a couple of minutes before she realizes you're saying something, but once she figures it out she will have to get quiet to hear what you say. And when mama stops screaming and starts whispering they know it's something serious! :-)

Lucyl - posted on 04/08/2010

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Hey Yadira I am having the exact same issues with my 3yr. old son and he has developmental delays including speech. I was advised by on of his therapist that keeping a constant rpouting may help try to keep her busy and to start and finish an activity before moving to another whether it is eating or coloring. I have noticed that yelling doesn't work he just doesn't listen. When I find something that really works you will be first to know just have patience and take it one day at a time is what I do. Also when you feel like you yelling or about to yell out of frustration don't just take a breathe and then proceed as you deem proper.Good Luck.

Kimberly - posted on 04/08/2010

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What works with our two year olds is to tell them what we want them to do. Instead of saying NO or STOP we tell them what we want them to do instead. If they are climbing on something we say "Put your feet on the floor." If they are standing on a chair we say "Sit on your bottom." If they are going limp when I need them to hold my hand and walk I say "Walking feet, please." If they don't immediately start doing what I want them to do I either immediately go into proximity with them (if it's a safety issue) and amazingly as I move they do what I wanted them to. They have heard me, they are just testing to see if I mean it. If it's not an urgent safety situation (like I want them to give a toy back that they grabbed or I want them to come to me to get dressed) then I count backward from 10 - slowly and calmly. They know this is their chance to think about it and do what Mommy said, and usually they will do it. If they don't then I do the proximity thing. When they do what I want I praise them even if I've had to enforce it because I want to reward their good behavior. I probably praise a bit more when they do it on their own without me enforcing - and I tell them good listening, too. The key is learning short powerful phrases that tell your child what to do, saying them calmly but with authority, and developing a consistent system so she will know that you mean what you say.

I also agree with others who have said to make sure it is not a hearing or neurological issue. My older daughter is ASD but wasn't diagnosed until 4.5 years, after 3 years of me banging my head against a wall to get her to do anything. So when a parent is this frustrated with their kid (frustrated enough to post on a chat board) I encourage them to discuss ALL concerns with their pediatrician and if that doesn't work go to your school district where they have to assess your child for free for any developmental concerns that you have after age 3.

Kristin - posted on 04/08/2010

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Have you tried the whispering trick? I know it sounds crazy, but with my three kids, when I whispered, it peeked their curiosity enough for them to stop what they were doing and concentrate on what it was I was saying to them. They're much more likely to listen to reason when you're as calm as you wish they would be.

Aside from the fact that you've found that yelling is not effective in obtaining the response you're looking for, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much or be afraid of alienating her. The fact is, most successful, contributing adults in our society were yelled at, even spanked, and are doing OK. My mom was a screamer, and as an adult we were extremely close until she passed away. And as a child, I always knew that she loved me, and also that she was very much the one in charge. It's my hope that when I lose my cool with my own kids, they're still aware of the same things.

Erin - posted on 04/08/2010

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Boy, I can totally relate to you! I have a 2 1/2 year old who is doing the same thing. This is a hard age and I have seen myself change the harder her behaviors gets. I have 15 yrs child care experience and never thought I'd have this problem at home, but I do. I found a book called Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky A. Bailey and have found it to be VERY helpful. One problem with this situation is that we as moms can't help but take it personally at times. Along with the help that this book can give you just remember that we ALWAYS need to be consistent with discipline! It would be wonderful if we could always discipline without emotion, but that's not the way it goes sometimes. Don't guilt yourself too much. If you are like me you may be feeling a bit negative about yourself, but don't! You are doing the best that you can. Please check out that book, and she also has another one called Love Rituals that really good for connecting with your kids. I hope this helps :)

Kimberly - posted on 04/08/2010

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What works with our two year olds is to tell them what we want them to do. Instead of saying NO or STOP we tell them what we want them to do instead. If they are climbing on something we say "Put your feet on the floor." If they are standing on a chair we say "Sit on your bottom." If they are going limp when I need them to hold my hand and walk I say "Walking feet, please." If they don't immediately start doing what I want them to do I either immediately go into proximity with them (if it's a safety issue) and amazingly as I move they do what I wanted them to. They have heard me, they are just testing to see if I mean it. If it's not an urgent safety situation (like I want them to give a toy back that they grabbed or I want them to come to me to get dressed) then I count backward from 10 - slowly and calmly. They know this is their chance to think about it and do what Mommy said, and usually they will do it. If they don't then I do the proximity thing. When they do what I want I praise them even if I've had to enforce it because I want to reward their good behavior. I probably praise a bit more when they do it on their own without me enforcing - and I tell them good listening, too. The key is learning short powerful phrases that tell your child what to do, saying them calmly but with authority, and developing a consistent system so she will know that you mean what you say.

I also agree with others who have said to make sure it is not a hearing or neurological issue. My older daughter is ASD but wasn't diagnosed until 4.5 years, after 3 years of me banging my head against a wall to get her to do anything. So when a parent is this frustrated with their kid (frustrated enough to post on a chat board) I encourage them to discuss ALL concerns with their pediatrician and if that doesn't work go to your school district where they have to assess your child for free for any developmental concerns that you have after age 3.

Nursen - posted on 04/08/2010

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Stop the yellin !!! give her options. if u dont want her to do something always give her options of what she could do instead. Like, if u dont want her to write on the walls; grab a paper and sit down with her. Once she sees that ur involved, she would stop. If u dont want her to make a mess goin thru the drawers (throwin close all over the place) sit with her and do counting while ur folding and putting it away. Make it fun for her !!! in time, u would c that if she sees a shirt on the floor she would pick it up try to fold it and put it away. I have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old I know how u feel. U are not alone. :))) goodluck

Vivian - posted on 04/08/2010

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Have you tried getting down on the floor with her at eye level, taking her by the shoulders and have her look at you when you're talking to her? Sometimes that helps. Also, think about what YOU"RE doing when she starts to misbehave. Maybe she's feeling neglected and trying to get your attention???



Also, ever notice that everyone talks about the "Terrible Two's", but no one ever told us about THREE!!! My guess is that if they did, no one would ever have a second child

[deleted account]

First thing to do is check her hearing.

Next try this and you must stay calm when you do it. Request, Response, Feedback. For instance Kendall please sit down, Kendall continues playing, No, Kendal that is not what I asked y ou to do. Repeat again, Kendall please sit down, Kendal continues playing, No Kendal that is not what I asked you to do. Be sure when she does sit down that you have a special treat for her for doing what she was asked. DO NOT back down until she does what was requested. Make the requests simple. If she is not talking or has other socially inappropriate behaviors check with the doctor for possible receptive language problems.

Helen - posted on 04/08/2010

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I think she is just in a little world of her own. My Granddaughter is like that. She is just quite content to play on her own and she is so engrossed in what she is doing that she isn't listening yet. You will think you are not getting through to her but keep on talking to her because some of it is sinking in. My daughter was like that, I thought she never listened but, now that she is grown I know she heard me because she is such a great person. I am so proud of her.

Tiffany - posted on 04/08/2010

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whisper... you think I am kidding, I am not. Also 3 is still young enough to simply redirect. I have six children... I have been there!

BethAnn - posted on 04/08/2010

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First thing you have to think before you say it..because YOU HAVE TO SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND THEN DO IT!! so it has to make sense when you tell her something...And if you are on your way to some place fun for her..if she doesn't listen, you DON"T GO!! cansequences are the biggest thing right now..she can understand what you are telling her...She needs to lose out on something right at the moment... My youngest was like this...There are 2 great books..One is "how to make you child mind without losing yours" By Kevin Lemen and there is a new book by John Rosemond. I can't remember the name but I heard him on the radio and it is alot of great sense. He does have another one called "Parenting by the book" And yes rewards are great... Try a chart through out the day. example-if she gets 6 stickers each day she gets a special treat or if she gets so many through out the week she gets a toy that you know she would like...Alot of people on this are right, sometimes you have to leave the dishes and just spend some time with her, reading or colouring...or just a few minutes of cuddles... Also talk to her...she is smart- you can reason witha 3 year old.tell her what you expect from her and if she doesn't follow through she will lose something special- and to earn it back she must do as she is asked...Gppd luck!

Jane - posted on 04/08/2010

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She is just trying you. No Joke. You are the parent and it is a JOB. You can't stop and ignore her. Stay on top or she will take over. I was told that you have to find their nitch. My son was 11 before I found his. Help me Lord. I did learn if I STAYED CALM he could not figure out why. That would scare him. I think it just came down to getting my attention. A teacher of his told me that she learn to speak to him timed he walked in the door and welcome him in the room and he was fine for the day if not she said they fought all day. You are right, all the stop, please don't., etc. sometimes will not work. Don't give up is the most important thing. Maybe if you can just take the second to talk to her instead of NO Don'. I'm not judging you, I'm just telling you we parents have a hard job if WE DO OUR JOB. Oh, my son is now in the Navy and will graduate a Lt. Commander from the War College this Oct. He has been on 4 tours. Maybe all the spankings did some good. LOL

AnneLouise - posted on 04/08/2010

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Whisper. When you need her attention, whisper. THe louder you get, the better she will be at ignoring you. The quieter? She'll stop to listen. ALso, ignore what you can. If it won't hurt her, or anyone else, but makes a mess? Tell her once, no. Then when she's done, have her clean up the mess. Again, without losing your temper.

Is she bored? Does she need some different activities? Are you getting outside enough?

And one of the hardest ones...are you saying "yes" often enough? Yes, I'll play dolls with you (for the thousandth time) or "yes" you can wash the dishes (This is a GREAT activity. Put towels down. Give her a chair to stand on, and the plastic dishes to wash. So you have to wash them again? WHo cares! ) Also, you might make sure that the house is 3 year old friendly. By that, I mean are things she likes within her reach? Is there a place where she can make a little bit of a mess? Are items not to be touched out of reach?

But the biggest thing is time. She needs your time and attention. And she'll get it one way or the other :)

Also, 3 year olds need to be busy creating and exploring things. Art projects are wonderful because you can praise it to the skies, no matter what the result.

Reba - posted on 04/08/2010

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have you cheked her hearing? I went through the same when my son was three, he had to have ear tubes. then everything was good

[deleted account]

I think you have got into that terrible spiral of negativity and I agree with many of the others that you need to be positive. Try using 2 choices with one being an immediate consequence eg either stop doing that (and be specific) or I will stop you. Give her a short time and ask her what her decision is and then if she doesnt respond or continues us time out but make sure she is sitting near you (maybe in another room but with the door open or further away in the room you are in). Kee p returning her without any emotion and tell her she stays there until she has calmed down. BUT the most important part of time out etc is the period afterwards. You need to cuddle her and talk to her about it and say that was silly you got upset etc

I know how hard it is and we get into that spiral and it is hard to break but we first need to re-position oursleves. All the best and remember it is perfectly natural for children to oppose authority they are learning to have their own feelings, they just need help with the big feelings inside and they need a calm response from a trusted adult.

Brenda - posted on 04/07/2010

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I think its just being three.



"Yeah yeah mom I hear you, I just don't care. I want to do X" and for most three year olds there is nothing you can take away (privileged, things, even attention) that they really care about that is reasonable. I mean if they have a "lovey" they can't be without at all taking that away would get a response, but it wouldn't be a reasonable course of action. Nor is locking her in her room for the hours it would take.



A couple of things that will help:

1) Keep track of what the recurring fights are and change the environment. Always telling her not to touch something -put it away. Always telling her to pick up her toys put half of them away (and rotate them).

2) If you need to do something, try to find something that will keep her busy (yeah I know, it takes 15 minutes to do the dishes and 5 minutes for her to be done with an activity -I said try, not succeed

3) Make sure you hear her when she talks. If every time she asks you for something you don't hear her -why would she hear you? If everytime she asks you say "in a minute" she's going to do the same thing.



etc

[deleted account]

I whisper to my kids if they don't listen...it saves your voice and they need to be really quiet to listen.....but do it at their level. You're awfully tall and they might feel they need to speak louder for your ears to hear way up there. Best of luck :)

YADIRA - posted on 04/07/2010

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well i am trying!! i figured out she hates being on her knees with her nose to the wall... aaahaaa! finally! =0) but i am also not yelling!!! hope this is the start to something good!!

Amy - posted on 04/07/2010

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I can totally relate. i have a 3 year old also and have the same type of problems with her. I recently got a post from Love and Logic's email subscription (they are on facebook). It talked about trying whispering instead of yelling. Make sure that you go to your child and stand real close. Continue to whisper through their yelling and see if he will stop to hear you. Use words such as "Yelling hurts my ears" and "We an talk to each other softly" . Continue to do this with each yelling episode, making sure to be consistent yourself. It is easy to start yelling back and I am still working to change the habit and my daughter does respond. Still use distraction to help, but just continue to use a whispering voice. Good luck!

Pushparani - posted on 04/07/2010

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i totally agree with uuuuuu, my dughter Kirti is also like that ans she is 4 years old, i say thinks like "please don't" "good girl don't do it"..... nothing works but when i shout "KIRTIIIIII" then she say's "okkkkkkkkk".... guess i need some parenting class to handle my daughters :(.

Lisa - posted on 04/07/2010

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BINGO... stop talking to her so much... geeeeeeez after the first sentence it is poven they do not hear you... did I mention 123 magic? This is all in the very inexpensive book. At this point I'll buy a copy and mail it to you. Stop talking to her, she is smart... she knows when she is misbehaving. She'll likely be president one day. And yeah, she won't like sitting in time out all day and eventually when the last toy is gone...

Linda - posted on 04/07/2010

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Your command and your action must be close together. Give your command twice and then take action. Be consistant with this and she will learn that it is better to listen and respond quickly. Mommy means what she says....NOW!

Briana - posted on 04/07/2010

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thats my issue right now. ive found if u r firm and do what u tell them u will do they will respect u. they r smart. they know what buttons to push and what will drive u crazy. let her sit in time out all day and make her give her toys away when she doesnt put them away. good luck

Claudia - posted on 04/07/2010

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Hi Yadira, Positive praise always helps. This is the time in their life when they are testing limits and they need to know you are serious. Yelling should be restricted to dangerous situations. It will stop them in their tracks before they walk into the street if you don't over use it. Everyone has given you great advise!!! My grandson is 2 1/2. His mother, my daughter yells. I get on the floor and whisper or sing. That does get his attention. If you notice, when your child is "not listening" she is probably also looking out the corner of her eye at you to see what you are going to do. It probably really is that she just wants you to pay attention. If that;'s the case, you can find a way to include her in what you are doing. When I am doing dishes or making lunch, I get my grandson to put the spoons away or sit on the floor and bang on a pot while we sing as loud as we can. I'm no expert but I know what works for me and I did raise 3 kids...:)

Christy - posted on 04/07/2010

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I would like to say one thing in retrospect to Lisa & Amy, you have to break a childs WILL and not their SPIRIT before they will ever mind or trust anything you every say. And if you say "going to get a spanking" you better give them one. Always follow up with what you say your going to do or they will never believe you no matter how old or young they are. Children are not this complex they are small humans not from outer space they misbehave you did I did and they are going to continue to do so. How This mother learns to deal with it or how she learns to discipline Kenal will be the answer. How Kenal reacts to the discipline is another story, its all learned behavior from the time she came out of the womb and even before; she has been learning what her mother is teaching her. Right now that is yelling she has to change herself before she can fix the problem with Kenal. I myself can be a yeller and I can be a whisper and soft and hard. But you have to choose your battles and wisely she is 3 not 30 and right now Kenal knows she is in control that is the mothers issue, been there and done that. Yes Amy Jesus taught with gentleness and patients but he also was PERFECT we are not. And clearly in Proverbs it tells us to beat our children in those days they stoned disobident children to death. Again read and relish I never beat my children but I spanked my kids and I spank my grandchildren when they need it. But this mom is going to have to decide when she is ready to be in control and not Kenal. Dont teach her to fear her mother teach her to love her mother and respect her mother yes with love and kindness but with an iron rod if you have to. All the world needs is another How to book on how to raise kids... other than the bible go figure..The mother needs to pray with her child after she diciplines her and teach her to ask for Gods forgiveness... The bible is packed full of do's and dont's in the child raising dept. Thats just my 4 cents worth now.

Charnelle - posted on 04/07/2010

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What worked for me was to go on my knees and explain to him why I wanted him to stop what he was doing and how it made me feel. Kids of that age often don't know how to deal with their emotions as they do not understand them or know what they are. Time out or taking things away from him never worked for me. He would sit in his room quietly without a bother. If I took something away, he would say he didn't want it anyway. Eventually someone told me to rather do a reward system when he listened to me, so rather give something for good behaviour than take something away for being bad. I made a chart and put it on the wall in his bedroom. Gold stars etc ( make it attractive). More stars meant better rewards. Not so much materialistic things but maybe getting ice cream or going to the beach and building sand castles, play dates with friends etc. These are things that he used to get anyway but I now limited them according to his behaviour. It definitely worked for me. Explain, be as honest as possible and don't sweat the small stuff. They are only just learning. Stick to what you say, don't make yourself out to be a liar. It's difficult being a parent but we cry quietly to ourselves at night as it hurts us more to be firm with our children, something we will never be properly thanked for but have the pleasure in knowing we have raised little ladies and gentleman! Good luck to you, 'this too shall pass'.

Ashley - posted on 04/07/2010

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Shannon - I'm not against the diagnosis of disorders, however, at 3 there are so many other possible explanations. I was trying to let this mother know that they should be encouraged to try all possible solutions before jumping to conclusions and trying to diagnose them with a problem. This sounds like typical 3 yr old behavior and definitely not a candidate for bipolar at such a young age. I know that I have no personal knowledge about this child other than what was posted, but I do feel its a bit discouraging for someone to tell this mother that her daughter's behavior points to a mental disorder. If there are ways to teach a child to behave more appropriately and help them become a productive member of society without branding them with a label, why wouldn't you want to try that? I also think its inappropriate for you to insinuate that if not hereditary, bipolar is caused by drug use during pregnancy. I understand that you have done your research, but a lot of what you have posted sounds like personal opinion and accusations instead of helpful information.

Carmen - posted on 04/07/2010

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I had a very belligerent son when he was little; he is now 18 years old. I was having a very difficult time with him (starting around 2 years old) and he wouldn't listen, so I created a sticker reward book for him. At the end of each day before bed time we would review his behaviour that day and he could earn up to five stickers for being very, very good. By discussing the behaviour, he learned what is acceptable and what is not; he also took pride in earning his stickers; we would write about our day and it has become a great memory keeper for us! He also would decide how many stickers he thought he earned; this made him responsible for his own actions. Another method my husband and I used with our children, was the 1, 2, 3 timeout method. We explained the method to our boys and simply applied it; it goes like this; if they were doing something they shouldn't, we would say "number one", if they continued the behaviour, we would say "number two", if they continued after that, they went for a time out (number of minutes in time out equal their age). This method became so effective that we found ourselves only having to hold up a finger for "number one" and not verbalizing at all! It worked like a charm! I hope these ideas help you out!

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