My 4-Year-Old Insists on Being Friendly to a Girl Who Is Mean to Her

Jazmine - posted on 02/28/2014 ( 85 moms have responded )

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Hello, I joined circle of moms because I really need help or advice on this matter. My 4 year old is in pre-k and she is very friendly with a little girl that is not always nice to her. I have talked to the little girls mom (because she is a teacher in the school) and the mom talked to the little girl and the little girl started being nice. But today it happened again, my daughter says hi and the little girl ignores her or walks away. This boils my blood! Me, my husband and other family members have told my daughter that she has plenty of friends (because she does) and that if someone is not nice to her, then not to bother with them (if they're not nice to you don't be nice to them.) But she keeps on trying to talk to the little girl. I can't stand anyone being mean to my little girl and I'm trying hard not to stoop to a kids level(by telling something to the little girl) I don't want my little girl to let anyone be mean to her or have her feelings hurt. I want to get through that she doesn't need to be friends with people that are like that. What can I do to get the message across? How should I handle this? This is my first child.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/28/2014

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Does she act like her feelings are hurt? If she wants to be nice to someone, LET HER! Its better than the alternative of "if she's mean to you, be mean to her". She's actually showing some very advanced social skills at the age of 4, if she's already got the 'kill 'em with kindness' attitude.

I was nice to everyone, too. Regardless of their response. If they chose to be rude, or ignore it, that's their loss. I, at least was nice, polite, and inclusive, regardless of whether or not they were.

You've told her that she doesn't 'have' to be nice to this young lady, so you've given her her options. Let her make the decision on this one. So far, it sounds to me as if she's doing alright.

Andrea - posted on 03/03/2014

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"If they're not nice to you, don't be nice to them"?? Where did you learn that? It sounds like horrible advice. Sorry, I know she's 4, and I wouldn't want my kids to get hurt feelings from other people either...but even good friends are sometimes mean! You definitely need to KEEP restraining yourself from saying anything cruel to the other little girl! You are a grown up. As far as dealing with this particular girl, I think I agree with everything Sasha S. said below...set up playdates with good, polite friends during non-school hours...no need to see her when not in school. But if your daughter wants to be nice to the girl at school, let her be nice to the girl at school...not, like, "I'll give you my whole lunch" nice, but if she wants to say hi, no reason to stop her!

Mysti - posted on 03/04/2014

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Honestly, it sounds like your girl has a better handle on this than you do. It's tough to watch other kids be mean to yours. But try to think of this as an opportunity for her to learn valuable social skills. We can't control how other people treat us, but we do get to choose whether someone else's treatment of us ruins our day/week/life, or if we can see it as a chance to show kindness to someone else who may need it. I think your girl will be just fine. :)

Julia - posted on 03/04/2014

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She will probably be in school with this other child for many years. I recomend you avoid having anymore conversations with the other mother. Kids are fickle, friends this week, not friends next week, friends again by Friday. Parents are far more emotional about these issues then the kids are. You end up with animosity between the adults and the kids are over it. Have conversations with your own daughter about what makes a good friend and which of her friends have those qualities. Make outside of school play dates with kids she gets along with on a more consistent basis to facilitate those relationships. However some of this is par for the course developmentally.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/28/2014

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In that case, you need to tell her that when L doesn't feel like playing, or responding, she needs to accept that L isn't in a good mood, and find another friend to play with for the day. Explain how people can be in a good mood one day, and a not so good mood the next day, and if L is in a 'mean' mood, your daughter should just find another friend. I wouldn't discourage her being nice to L, and I wouldn't discourage the interaction. But, as Gena said, she's 4. One day they're fighting tooth & nail, the next, they're besties...repeat often.

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Amanda - posted on 12/13/2014

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I have a4 year old daughter and me and my husband are a young couple I'm 28 and my husband's 29 my husband works and I'm a stay at home mom do to my diagnosis we live with my parents we have money issues my mother who I live with is my mom my dad and my nephew which my mom has custody ofhe's a smart kid he's 8 years old but he likes to pick on my 4 year old daughter a lot he does deviant things most of the time when nobody's looking and I've tried to talk to my mother about it and she gets defensive she protects him with everything she's got to where she's really aggressive towards me I am his godmother as well and my husband is his godfather when I tried to tell him that it's wrong to yell at his cousin's face or to push her or just smack her he screams like bloody murder and my mom tries to attack menobody can say anything to him he yells at the adults in the house as if we were 8 years old just like him I'm just stuck on what to do my daughter tells me all the time mommy why nate so mean to me I can't get him to stop I would love to move but like I said I have money issues trying to get on my feet any pointersor suggestions from anyone who can not to mention we do pay rent here we pay 400 a month and we pay half utilities so we're not mooching we definitely do everything to help and anything but as soon as he doesn't get what he wants to kick doors punch walls mess of his room going to a complete temper tantrum and it starts a whole family fight between everybody she says that we all attack him and we don't live even set him down to try to talk to him and asked him if he cares about Layla and all he did was shrugged his shoulders as if it was I don't know I tried to explain to him that we're all blood were family and he walked away as if he didn't care I mean I know he's only 8 years old but I'm so confused on what to do how to make things work without my mother attacking me or blaming everything on my daughter as she normally does my daughter is 4 years old and when I tell her that they're arguing she says to leave it alone let them deal with it themselves in my book that's not right and eight year old reprimanding a four year old is not right

Shawnda - posted on 03/24/2014

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Perhaps this suggestion will help you. Talk to the other parent again. Explain to them your concern. Tell them how you feel. If the other little girl (WHO IS OBVIOUSLY A PRODUCT OF HER PARENTS) then I would ask them to help her and your little girl by stopping that friendship. Be truthful tell your little girl to not speak t lo her anymore and why....

Molly - posted on 03/16/2014

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As much as I agree with how it must make you feel, I think that you need to back out of the situation. I also feel that telling your daughter not to be nice to someone who isn't "being nice" to her (when in reality, the other girl is just ignoring her, which isn't necessarily mean and MAY possibly be due to issues you're unaware of) it's simply rude. We should never teach our children NOT to be nice to other people, only to stand up for themselves when someone is mistreating them. Realistically though, if the other little girl doesn't want to be friends with your daughter, she is doing the best thing she can if she's told her no before: she's ignoring her, and waiting for her to leave her alone. She could be insulting her, pushing or hitting her, or using other means to make your daughter leave her alone, but she isn't. She could also have an undiagnosed social disorder and not fully understand that her behavior is rude.

I think there is too much here that you DON'T know about the situation, and it sounds like your daughter is handling it just fine on her own.

Virginia - posted on 03/15/2014

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Maybe your daughter sees that the "not so nice" girl may be the one need of a friend. A friend that can teach her how to be a true friend. Your daughter will eventually help the girl learn to be a friend or she will become stronger as an individual from the experience and abandon the "not a friend" girl. Good luck but remember children see things we don't. They also have such innocence that they can eventually see through any farce.

Monika - posted on 03/06/2014

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You're doing a good job. I think it would be wasting time trying to separate them. Just keep on telling her she has a lot of different friends she can count on and that you're happy she acts in such a grown and smart way and highlight hat the other girl's behaviour is not nice. When I was small I was bullied by my whole class. It caused me to lean on the single friend I had although she often snubbed me, had one of her bad moods etc. Because of this - it took me 8 years (until I went to highschool and made a lot of friends) to realize I don't have to be friendly with her, that the relationship drains me. But from what you say, your girl has a lot of friends so she probably escape my fate. keeping fingers crossed. I also worry constantly about when my daughter goes to school, since my experiences were awful.

Amy - posted on 03/06/2014

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it seems to me your daughter is wise beyond her years she is be friending someone that maybe isn't the nicest or most social in the bunch. not to be rude but it seems it bothers you more than her. if there's one thing I learned being a parent you can't dictate what your kids will do you can only stear them in the right direction. which it sounds like you have done already. every parent wants to protect their children from something bad. but in the end they will make their own decision and we can just hope that the advice we give them helps make that decision. not saying I would not watch the situation to make sure that it doesn't escalate into name calling pushing ect but back off a little and let your daughter handle the situation. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Princess - posted on 03/06/2014

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My daughter does this also instead of looking at it as a downfall see the positive aspect of it no matter how mean the friend is , your daughter will not scoop to her level thus teaching the friend the true meaning of Love and this will hopefully break a bad habit with the friend or teach your daughter to love with limits.

Leela - posted on 03/06/2014

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Mom there are some battles you cannot fight for your child. Leave her be and she'll get through this on her own. Actually I'm pretty sure she will pleasantly surprise you. She sounds like an amazing loving child. Congrats on doing a good job with her.

Beulah - posted on 03/05/2014

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Hi Jazmine, nice to know that you are so loving and concerned about what your daughter feels, if her feelings are hurt etc etc. But one thing you need to understand that kids dont feel as we and many times their feelings are temporary. You might have noticed if your daughter is crying about something and you make her laugh, she will start laughing even before the tears could dry. Right now the matter does not hurt her as much as it hurts you. Anyway you got to take precaution that it wont remain in her as deep rooted. What other girls do is not in our control, she may face such rude girls many ahead in her life. What you can do is teach your child to handle the situation. appreciate her for her loving heart and encourage her not to take to heart the rude behavior of others, she could continue to be good to other but keep up her self-respect. It will take time for her to understand, but you can continue teaching her without expecting immediate results. As she grows up, all these foundations of yours will help her to handle wisely her rude friends and to keep up her self respect.

Jennifer - posted on 03/05/2014

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I personally admire your young daughter for her loving spirit. I think that it is wonderful that your daughter is kind to everyone no matter what! One should be kind to all, love one another, and treat others how you wish to be treated. Now, for the other little one - hopefully her parents will instill this in her and teach her how to treat others. I do think that you are doing the right thing by teaching your daughter to respect herself in that she doesn't have to be friends with someone that is mean to her, but saying that - at her age - you should be teaching her to be kind to everyone. Sometimes all a "not so nice" person needs is for someone to show them the right way to be nice. One more thing. I am of the opinion that it takes a village to raise a child and have no problem with you "Nicely" and "Kindly" instructing another child on being nice!

Laural - posted on 03/05/2014

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The little girl is rude because she has not been taught properly. You can't protect your child from getting her feelings hurt. it is part of learning. She can still be nice to the girl without going out of her way, A simple "hello" and continuing on. Who knows what awful things might be going on in this child's home that are causing her to behave this way. If she is just rude; then, as she grows older, she won't have any or many friends.

DaVonna - posted on 03/05/2014

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My 4 year old g9es through the same things with a little girl. I try to tell her that she does not need everyone as a friend. However, they are 4 and hopefully they will grow out of it. Saying something to a child is NOT the adult thing to do because, if it were my child and any adult said something there would not only be a problem with the children but the parents as well. Keep talking to YOUR daughter and as she gets older she will have a better understanding of what a friend is.

Yanna - posted on 03/05/2014

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Maybe it works between them: No offense meant, none taken. Common courtesy doesn't mean to children what it does to us. Or maybe your daughter is simply intrigued by this kid who seems indifferent to her. Maybe it's a challenge to charm her into becoming her friend. We all wish we could wipe out anything or anyone that hurts our children but your child doesn't really seem hurt here.

Lisa - posted on 03/05/2014

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As a mother of 5 and grandmother of a 3yr old girl that Im raising, I say let the kids be themselves, and learn how do deal with conflict on thier own, if they need help, they will ask you for it. from what you are saying, it doesnt seem to be a problem for you daughter, its more of a problem for you, just let it go, and stay out of it unless needed. They cant learn if we coddle them in all they do.

Tracy - posted on 03/04/2014

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Is your daughter a leader or a follower? I have a 4 and a 5 year old and their half sister is also 5, all girls. They all have the same father but he is not involved with any of them however me and the half sister's mother are friends and live next door and she has another little girl too. I babysit them everyday. The half sister is the oldest and her and my youngest tend to pair up and then she teases my 5 year old but it is because my 5 year old will not follow her and play the way she wants her to and will play on her own. My 5 year old is extremely independent and won't be bossed around. If her mother is the teacher maybe she is used to bossing. I always tell mine that other children are not their bosses and that I am or whatever adult is present is and that they don't have to listen to other kids if they tell them to do something they don't want to do which also covers inappropriate touching, stuff that makes them feel uncomfortable, and so forth. Some days are better than others but my 5 year old plays with her when she chooses and is told to just stay away from her if she is being mean to her. I have talked to both of them about how it makes them feel when someone isn't nice and that they don't need to be around somebody that makes them upset or makes them feel bad. My nephew will be 8 in April and is spoiled rotten and tries to boss them also and is not so nice to them either all the time so they have had ample times to learn and decide how they want to be treated and are told to treat others the way they want to be treated that way the days they get along everything is fine and the days they don't they know that they don't have to tolerate it and can just leave the situation if someone makes them feel bad.

Mariah - posted on 03/04/2014

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It seems you're more put off by this than your daughter is. There are years of mean girls ahead of her. Pick your battles.

Treyci - posted on 03/04/2014

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I think this would be a good time to encourage your daughter to just be herself. Explain that not everyone will like her and that's okay as long as she's being who she is. Don't worry yourself so much, maybe she's just a very kind little girl. Or maybe this little girl she's trying to befriend is very shy or nervous. Kids will be kids. I really don't think you have anything to worry about unless another child becomes violent or hostile with your daughter.

Ian - posted on 03/04/2014

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sounds like the other girl is a bit jealous of your girl, you are already getting the right advice,just keep being nice to her and YOU keep out of it. your kid already knows it all.

OAC - posted on 03/04/2014

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"If they're not nice to you, don't be nice to them"?? REALLY ??? They are 4 year old kids ! They need to be taught how to be nice to the other kids and people in general ! It seems like your daughter knows better than you do ! How do you want the other kid to learn ?

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Just as your daughter has a right to not take crap from anyone - that other little girl has a right to simply not LIKE someone. I'd simply stay out of it. Let them do their thing.

Mary-Jane - posted on 03/04/2014

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Its hard to watch your child in these situations but think how you would like your child to be brought up.
Do you want you child to be the girl being horrible to another?
I think the best lesson you are teaching your child is that she kind and loving. so these sorts of issues won't matter in the long run. Don't tell your child to be mean to those that are mean to her.
Teach her love and pray and hope that those who are mean will one day be nice. She will benefit much more from that then being mean.
Good luck. X

Paigeizwright - posted on 03/04/2014

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Hi Jazmine, this is such a difficult subject! A lot of people do not think of little girls as being mean or being a bully. My daughter was the same way as yours and it killed me that she was not as offended as I was that her "friend(s)" were mean to her. I had plenty of talks with my daughter, but I had never talked with the parents, mainly because I did not know them, and I did not know how I would react if they were to get defensive. In the end, the only thing you can do is tell your how awesome she is and link this to a learning situation. I told my daughter to look at how her friend acted, how it made her feel, and to remember that it is not okay to make someone feel that way. I told her to stick up for herself using words like "that is not being't nice"... "I won't play with you if you act this way" stuff like that. 3 years later, my daughter still has problems with the same two girls, but she does not care either way if they are friends or not! Good luck!

Fleur - posted on 03/04/2014

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It's very hard to keep my 2 and 4 year olds from pursuing. Kids that aren't nice and friendly at the park. I usually just tell them that the little boy or girl doesn't want to play. I will play with them or push them on the swings. If the parent says something I usually just say its fine. Sometimes we all want our own independent time. Let's leave them alone and play with another friend.

LalaBoom - posted on 03/04/2014

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I say this as nice as possible: Stay out.

While you may encourage your little girl to avoid these types of 'friendships,' she's only in pre-K!

As an outsider this is what I see:

You, an adult figure, "forced" this other little girl to be friends with your daughter, or "be nice" as you put it. You did the "forcing" by informing the other little girls' mother- who then actioned on your concern. Why would you expect such a change to last when the change was not out of her own will?

If I were you, I'd focus on my daughter. Find out "why" YOUR little girl "needs" this other little girls' approval and then take the sensible steps.

Also, try to get an objective bystander, **possible offense alert** check if maybe your daughter is somehow, subtly or overtly, contributing to this non-friendship.

Good luck mama!

Aunty - posted on 03/04/2014

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To love unconditionally - means you continue to love - no matter what the other person is doing. Here is what you are teaching your daughter:
1. It is ok to withhold or friendship if the other person doesn't respond the way I want them to.
2. It is ok to tattle when I don't like what the other person is doing - my mommey (or someone else in authority) will fight my battles for me.
3. I get lots of attention from other family members if I report someone else being "mean" to me.
4. Fearful - Maybe if I am not nice - my family members will just not bother with me. Very scarey for a child to have to maintain a certain standard.
5. My mommey's love is conditional.
6. I can withhold my love/friendship.
What you don't seem to be doing is modeling Christ-like love for your child. Romans 12 - says that as far as it is possible for YOU - live in peace with everyone else. How's that working for you? How is it working for your child?
Suggestions: Invite the child over for a playdate.
Play with them. Have fun together. Speak blessings about the other child to the other mom. Do you want to only always hear negative stuff about your child?
She certainly doesn't want to - but a teacher's attitude to your child is colored by you. You are a blessing - your child will be blessed. You are a complainer "hover mother" - your child will suffer. What kind of reputation are you building for your family in that school?

Piper - posted on 03/04/2014

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Agnes,
Not being nice to those who are not nice to you only perpetuates anger, hatred, and eventually, violence in this world. Our society is only to continue the downward spiral it's already in if people continue to reflect the anger, hatred, violence, meanness, etc. that they experience from others. A little kindness really does go a long way these days, don't you think?
I'm not saying that Jasmine's daughter shouldn't stand up for herself if someone is being mean to her but there are other ways to handle the situation than to automatically reflect back whatever bad behavior is being projected toward you. To paraphrase The Beatles, all I'm saying, is give peace a chance.

Agnes - posted on 03/04/2014

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I haven't met with this particular problem (yet) but I wouldn't tell her not to be nice to someone who isn't nice to her. She has to be true to who she is, ( a nice person) ! I would steer her towards her other "nice" friends both at school and away. Also, they forget quickly , and will probably be friends by next term. But I feel for you, we don't want our kids hurt.

Piper - posted on 03/04/2014

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Sumera,
If your nephew is mistreating your daughter and teaching her bad behaviors it's time to tell your sister-in-law that she either get her son to stop this behavior or cut off contact with them until he starts behaving. I had this same kind of problem with the bad (and potentially life endangering) behavior of my father-in-law. Neither of my in-laws did anything to stop what was happening so we stopped letting our children stay at their house. My husband and I explained the reasons for our decision to our them and it continues to this day so the kids don't go there. We've made it very clear that they are welcome to come to our house to visit them but they are no longer allowed to go to their house. If you can't talk to your sister-in-law about this, can your husband? If not, or if a solution can't be reached, maybe it's time to cut off contact with them, as I suggested before. No one should be putting their hands on your child, not even another child. If this boy is teaching your girl these bad habits and his parents aren't correcting his behavior then his behavior is only going to continue to get worse which will make your daughter's behavior worse, and I'm sure you don't want that to happen. Good luck!!

Momma - posted on 03/04/2014

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She's doing the right thing. When she wants to discuss the situation or something that happened with the rude girl, listen to her and assure her that the rude girls' behavior has very little to do with your daughter (I bet she's rude to other kids too). Uplift your daughter, validate her, and be proud that she is willing to keep trying, as long as she is not terribly hurt by the rude girl, there's nothing wrong with continuing to be friendly. In middle school I had the same thing happen to me. I continued to be friendly and once the other girl determined she couldn't run me off, we became friends. One day she disappeared. I later found out that her home life was horrible and filled with unspeakable abuse. I'm so glad I was a friend to her when I had the chance.

Sumera - posted on 03/04/2014

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Hi my problem is i have 2 half year daughter. She behave very nice.but at the same time my sis in law son come he is very ill manner. her mother doesn't teach how to behave .he hit my daughter. now my daughter everything do whatever he do. Am v depressed .I can't talk openly Bcz my in laws only listen to her daughters. Plz help me

Wendy - posted on 03/04/2014

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Your daughtwr is precious a true angel in the bible it teaches you to love one another even if they dont love you. As parents we dont want our children to get hurt in anyway. Just encourage her talk to her that in life there good people and bad. Ext. Let her be a child dont turn her into this evil world that everyone is fighting. She will get it one day. As for the other childs parebts maybe they raised her that way. So just try to be strong.

Sumera - posted on 03/04/2014

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Hi dear .I think u should gain circle of friends around her.automatically she forget her. in this age children only listen herself. so plz don't worry.:)

Ann-Marie - posted on 03/04/2014

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First of all, hard as it is, we can't take these things with little ones personally. Who knows what this other child may have going on that you may not be aware of -- working mom, family life, etc. The best thing you can do is to coach your child how to react as you'll never control how others act towards her -- not only today but in all of life. I have taught my daughter that no matter how others act, we continue to be kind. She's 10 now and had a girl at school scowling at her daily. I coached her to smile at the girl next time . . .And now the girl is smiling back. Who knows what these kids learn at home. But you and your family can be powerful examples of goodness in the world in the hopes that your kindness eventually begets kindness in others -- eventually.

Piper - posted on 03/04/2014

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If the other girl isn't bullying your daughter there's no reason your daughter can't or shouldn't continue being nice to her. I have two children (ages 10 and 18) and I've always taught them to be nice to everyone, give everyone a chance, forgive those that hurt you, but stand up for yourself as well.
We all run into people in this world that we don't like or don't get along with but we can choose to be polite and/or courteous to those people. Follow the golden rule - Treat others as you want to be treated.
I think your daughter has embraced that mantra wholeheartedly and she deserves praise for it. If there's a program in place at her school for recognizing children like this, she should be nominated, recognized, and commended for her efforts. Our world needs more people like her! She's setting a fantastic example for the other children and people around her. I know a few adults who could learn a thing or two from her!

Amber - posted on 03/04/2014

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I had to deal with that same thing all throughout my whole time in school & even still now I have to deal with it & I am 34. There is nothing wrong with her still being nice to those that are mean to her. As long as you teach her to hold her head high and that those mean comments don't matter & to ignore the rude behavior. Never stop being kind friendly or thoughtful to everyone dispite how they treat you is the best & most honorable way to live life. A few times that philosophy has gotten me a few new friends who started out as my tormentors but through constant acts of kindness they eventually came to be good friends. I wish you the best of luck with this mama :) HUGS

Dama - posted on 03/04/2014

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1corinthians 13:1-13 read that in the bible. But dwell on vs 8. It says love never fails. It is patient, kind, keeps no record of wrongs. Embrace love and you will see the bigger picture.

Joy - posted on 03/04/2014

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i think that the important thing is that you help your daughter to understand that it has nothing to do with who she is as a person and that some people may just be like that and she shouldn't let it bother her. In life she will encounter many rude people and I guess unfortunately, that she has to learn this at such a young age. Now later in life she will know not to take this personally.

Angelic - posted on 03/04/2014

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I agree with what most everyone else is saying. Telling your daughter to be mean back is not the best idea. I have similar troubles with my boys, mostly our youngest and he is 9. We are a very close and loving family and it shows in how our boys treat other's. Recently I answered my 9 year Olds phone, I seen it was his friend on the line. I said hello..... His friend said(thinking it was my son)..... When are you gonna bring me my present, I want it today. You need to come by my house and bring it to me today. I said hold on and gave the phone to my son. I listened while he was talking and his answers to this child.
I was really upset because this child did not even say hello, just demanded a present from my son. I of course was angry and called my husband just to check and see if I was over re acting as mom's sometimes do when it comes to their children.
Nope..... husband agreed that this child was out of line. Talked to our son and told him that friends don't talk like that to each other. Turns out this child was at school on Valentines Day and the class was exchanging valentines and this child that is my son's friend said that he wanted a gift. My son being the sweetheart that he is wanted his friend to be happy and asked him what he wanted. The boy told him and my son was going to spend his money he saved for his Legos and go buy his friend the gift he wanted. Keeping your word is very important in our home to, so although we were not happy about it we would of let him buy the gift BUT the child demanding the way he did with not even a simple hello was in our mind, way out of line.
Our son talked to his friend at school and explained how rude he was to him in their conversation and that he was sorry but he was not going to buy the gift. Our son is no longer allowed to offer gifts to friends just randomly.
Sometimes you have to let them decide what is best. Children are wonderful loving little people and lots of times have more understanding and compassion for people then we do as adults. Your daughter sounds like a strong girl, don't over shield her. :)

Dessica - posted on 03/04/2014

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I agree with some of the other comments… maybe the other little girl is shy. If another kid doesn't say hi to my son it doesn't make me mad. That's just the way kids are. My son comes home from Kindergarten and says "so and so" was being mean today and we are not friends anymore. Then the next day they are "best friends" again. Take it with a grain of salt. It's SO NOT the end of the world and by this situation and MANY more your little girl and the other will learn social skills and where they fit in with their peers.
I also have to say that by saying "that she has plenty of friends (because she does) and that if someone is not nice to her, then not to bother with them (if they're not nice to you don't be nice to them.)" is wrong. Explain to her that it's great she is trying to be friends but maybe the other girl isn't ready to be friends yet. I think it is great that your little girl keeps trying and is still nice to her. To me that shows she is a sweet and caring person. Maybe by her continuing to try they will be best friends one day. It doesn't sound like your little girl's feelings are being hurt, I think it sounds more like your pride is. Let them work it out for themselves but if your little girl comes to you about the situation then keep it open and positive. Don't tell her to "not bother with" the other girl. That's basically telling her to do the same thing as the other girl. Tell her to keep being her friendly self and maybe one day the other girl will come around.

Tracy - posted on 03/04/2014

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One of my 4 year old twin girls is very quiet and anti-social by nature, and the other is a social butterfly, so I've seen a similar scenario happen with both of my girls, where the one is the ignored and the other gets ignored. The one that is anti-social has some special needs (anxiety, SPD) and I can assure you she isn't being mean or spiteful on purpose. I'm sorry but I don't think ignoring another child counts as being mean, and a 4 year old is just starting to learn proper social skills. Every child is different and she needs to learn early on that she cant control what other children do.

Tammy - posted on 03/04/2014

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My five year old daughter has a so called "friend" like that too. They met at a kids' gym when they were just babies, but rapidly grew apart as their individual personalities developed. While my daughter is very outgoing and makes friends with everyone, the other girl, though friendly, is very aloof and selective as to whom she even talks to. For some reason my daughter still loves her unconditionally, despite the fact that the girl ignores her and is mean to her most of the time. I am hoping that eventually either my daughter will stop her obsession with her, or that the other girl will eventually realize what a good friend she has in my daughter.

User - posted on 03/04/2014

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i have to comment because I have an 8yr old daughter who is shy but slowly coming around. When we are out and a friend or anyone she knows from school says hello, she sometimes puts her head down and keeps on moving. She almost never says hello or says it so softly its almost never heard by the child. We have talked to her about this, but it still happens.
Is it possible this other child is shy and doesn't communicate well like my daughter? I think its something to consider....

Julia - posted on 03/04/2014

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Yikes! Sasha. That sounds like mean girl behavior by you. Some little girl wanted so desperately to be friends with your daughter she was crying and you not only alienated the kids from each other but you alienated the kid from other kids too by involving their parents. Shame on you. Nothing you said about this kid sounds terrible. Maybe she is a little needy but certainly didn't deserve being ostracized by the other parents.

Justine - posted on 03/04/2014

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I think it's great that your daughter keeps trying. My son was the same way in preschool. There was one kid known as a bully. My little guy was always nice and trying to include him because no one else wanted to play with the bully. Know what happened? The kid (now formerly known as the bully) eventually started being nice to my son, and once he had one friend, he became a totally different kid. A lot of times I think that fear of not being accepted is what makes kids act that way. If your daughter wants to be nice, let her, It's an amazing quality, and might be life-changing for someone else.

Jessica - posted on 03/04/2014

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Kudos to your daughter for continuing to be nice to someone despite that person not being nice to her. We need more people like her in our world. Telling her not to be nice just bc the other girl is mean is absolutely terrible advice.

Stephanie - posted on 03/04/2014

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I have a 5 year old who is a socail butterfly too. (I am soo not) She is sometimes scary friendly to kids in her pre school. She makes "best" friends quick! I mean hugs and kisses good bye and all. She has come back from school before claiming her best friend gave her the thumbs down or ignored her. I simply tell her, sometimes kids have off days and to use that as an oppurtunity to be friend another. I ask her, is so and so is still being silly? or if she realized how fanastic you are as a friend today? You can't let them get overly emotional about it. She's old enough to understand that every kid is different and sometimes we get silly and sometimes we are moody and sometimes we're friends and other times not. If not you could be raising her to be mortified and beyond consolation when a boyfriend breaks her heart or gets let go from a job or something...hope this helps. I know it's hard. I have a 5 year old and a 4 month old. Both girls!

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