My Boyfriend replacing my 4 year old sons "father" how that transition works?

Jessica - posted on 12/12/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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This is a long one, so bare with me!!! :)



-My sons "father" and I were together for almost 5 years. He is for the lack of better words a half ass father. He was a secret pot smoker and video games were more important to him than giving any attention myself or our son. I tried for 5 years to make him into the man and father I thought he could be. Skipping over the details of our relationship or our brief marriage- he simply is not a good influence on my son. We went to mediation about 5 months ago and we came to an agreement that he would have our son every other Thursday to Sunday. To wrap up the details on that, he was always late or always trying to drop my son off earlier than the time that we agreed on. Constantly changing plans or not calling to set up plans until the last minute. He would stay the night with my son at his girlfriend’s house without my permission which was also violating our agreement. He didn't inform me of his job transfer or his new address when he moved. Long story short he had violated our mediation agreement countless times and I continued to give him the benefit of the doubt “for the sake of my son” was my reasoning….. I always thought that he having both of his parents in his life was the most important thing- another reason why I stuck with his father for so long… However I have without a doubt came to the conclusion that his father is a horrible influence in his life.. Every weekend when he comes back home to me there is something new that he has learned from being dragged all over the country side from this person or that persons house with his father. Examples: “You’re a bitch mommy” “I hate you” “god damn it” and his stuffed animal came home broken, and he comes home so angry and empty and doing odd things like touching my boobs (I do understand kids get curious but it wasn't that type of “curiosity” ) Well to conclude the information about his “father” and get to my question.. What finally pushed me over the edge was this past visit I hadn't heard anything from his “father” on whether or not he was getting his son and when and where (because it’s never by the agreement, it’s always up in the air with him) so I finally called later that Thursday evening… A police officer answered the phone….. Continued to tell me they had him in custody and that he was swerving all over the road and they believed he was smoking “synthetic marijuana” “spice” and they are trying to get a hold of his boss because they have his tractor trailer running on the side of the road. So I got off the phone with the police officer and just sat there stunned and shocked and I had a mini panic attack if you will… I always expected him to hit rock bottom because that’s just the type of person he is but I just thought somewhere in my heart he wouldn't because of his son…. Well after that I came to the conclusion that I was not sending my son down there any more for the safety of his life due to the simple fact if he was going to get high at work he was going to get high with his son, he has no regard for anyone’s life. Not even his. With all of that said. The happiness in my life has steamed from my son in general but meeting the love of my life. A wonderful great man. I never thought in my life I would be able to find that- but I did… My question to you all is that, seeing as how my son will no longer be in my ex's life, that obviously puts my new boyfriend in the position to fulfill the fatherly duty. Which is something that I never pushed, it was just something that happened and it makes me thankful every day. I just wanted to know some things like- My son is almost 4- will he forget about his “father”? how should I handle this situation and this transition? My boyfriend loves my son and I and gratefully accepts his new role in my sons life but I know he is nervous I can tell, and he mentioned that he didn't want this to be taken from him. Meaning if I changed my mind about my ex being in my sons life, because he knows I have given him the benefit of the doubt plenty of times. Of course I want this fairy tale life, however I know that its not going to be that way, I am not naive, I can hope however and with that hope I just want to know how this transition would play out… If anyone can shed some light on that, if they have been in similar situations I would greatly appreciate it… Thanks.

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Ashley - posted on 12/13/2012

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my year old knows my husband as his dad, the only dad he really knows. i even moved into the same house as his sperm donor when he was 10 months old, so he could be around him. (we lived 3 hours apart and that was the only place for me to live til i got a job. we were not getting together or anything and even had seperate bedrooms.) anyways, i was there almost 3 months because he basically begged me to cuz he wanted to be a dad to him and have him close. worst mistake of my life. that whole time, he bathed him once, and got up in the middle of the night once. there was a whole week when he was teething and stayed up all night screaming his head off and i could not get him to calm down at all, and he did not go in there one time to try and help. the next morning my friend told me he was complaining because he hasnt got any sleep all week because our son was up screaming every night! so, i got really mad knowing he was laynig in his room down the hall listening to it and didnt offer to help with his son one time! when i did get a job, i had to pay my friend to babysit when i was at work, even tho his sperm donor, who wanted to be a dad so bad, was sitting at home all day doing absolutely nothing, and couldnt watch his own son! so, i had enough and moved back to where i came from and belong. i got back with my older kids' father, and he has been his daddy ever since. we didnt teach him to call him that, he did it on his own. and he is a daddy's boy. we are now happily married, and he is about to adopt him, because since i moved back, the sperm donor has checked on him one time. my husband said that if the sperm donor walks back in or tries to be a dad again, then it would hurt him because as far as he is concerned he is his dad. i dont mention the sperm donor around my son, but we will tell him one day later on when he is old enough to realize. and at that time, if he wants to know the sperm donor, we will help him find him. i would suggest not mentioning the father anymore around your son. if he asks, be honest, but talk bad about him. one day he will be old enough to see it for himself.

Lacye - posted on 12/13/2012

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Ah ok! You never really know in cases like this on a website like this. I have seen many women on here that will just purposely keep a child away for selfish reasons.



It's good that you are doing this the right way. Just make sure you keep up with all of the documentation. That is the best thing you can do right now for this situation. Keep a record of everything.



As to how to explain where your son's father is, more than likely he won't forget about his bio dad. He's old enough to remember him a little. You will just have to explain to him as best as possible that his dad has had some problems and couldn't be there for him as he should be, but that your boyfriend has stepped up and wants to be in his life as his daddy.

Jessica - posted on 12/12/2012

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Oh definitely, I’m sorry I guess I should of pointed that out… yes we are going back to court. I have statements from the arresting officer and his failed drug test that allowed him to get fired along with other things. So yes, I am not just making that decision, I am aware I don’t have that power. Also he only wants to be a part of his son’s life when it’s convenient for him. He’s aware that we are going back to court and he’s mentioned that he doesn't want to go to court he just wants to settle it between us because he can’t afford to go to court. My main question from this is when it comes down to him not being in his life any more for good, since he is almost 4 how do you handle that? How do answer the “where’s my daddy?” questions and will my boyfriend and my father being there make the transition easier? I am just stuck in this pickle where if his father’s bad influences are worse on him and his ability to grow or is it more confusing and worse on him making the right moves to get his father kicked out of his life.. It’s tough.

Lacye - posted on 12/12/2012

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Instead of taking it upon yourself to remove your son's father (notice I didn't use quotations), did you ever think about taking your ex to court to have his rights removed? Can you prove to a judge that he is a danger to your son's life, besides what you feel? What are you going to do when your ex decides to take you to court in order to see his son and the judge sides with him and demands you to hand your son over for visitation?



Please understand that I realize that your ex is an idiot, no doubt, but you can't just make this decision without having some kind of legal backup.

Jodi - posted on 12/12/2012

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So your son's father is still in his life (or wants to be), but you want to kick him out because *you* think he is a bad influence, and you are choosing not to allow the courts to make that decision? You think you have that power? That's what I am reading, can you clarify?

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