My boyfriend's child is so mean and hateful to my 18 month old, What to do??

Rachel - posted on 08/06/2012 ( 62 moms have responded )

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I have been up all night crying and contemplating what to do over this situation. My boyfriend has a little boy who is four years old and I have a precious 18 month old little girl. My boyfriend and I live together with my daughter and he gets his little boy every other Thursday through Monday.

The little boy lives with his extremely vindictive and hateful mother who is my boyfriend's ex wife. Every single time the kid sees me he is sure to remind me, 'My mommy hates you', 'She doesn't love you or the baby'. or something to this effect. Most recently, he told his mother that I hit him. I would NEVER in a million years even scold him or correct him for ANYTHING. He goes and tells his mother every single thing that I do even when I reprimanded my daughter for going down the stairs too quickly. She in turn calls my boyfriend threatening him for being with me, threatening custody, etc. The ex wife is from Bulgaria so she always holds that over my boyfriends head too. Threatening to take him back there if he does something she doesn't like. It's just an all around disgusting situation.

This was all okay for me to deal with until recently. He has been taking out his hatred on my daughter. She had an accident recently where stitches were necessary and couldn't play outside and do fun activities for a few days. He taunted her about her stitches, thought it was hilarious that she was hurt, and kicks and hits her. Last night, she was hugging my boyfriend (her father is not in the picture, he doesn't want anything to do with us) and the little boy said, " LEAVE MY DADDY ALONE" then began singing "You only have a mommmmy, I have a mommmy AND a Daddy". He thought it was so hilarious. My stomach dropped to what felt like my knees. I have been devastated over this. If my little girl had understood what he was saying it would have broken her heart. My dad wasn't involved either and I know how traumatizing it can be on a little girl. WHAT on earth am I supposed to do now?? Do I leave this relationship with the most caring and loving man I've ever met? I'm so torn. Help please!

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Dove - posted on 08/06/2012

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:( You could leave the relationship and I wouldn't blame you if you did, but I will give you my opinion on what 'I' think you should do.

You and your boyfriend need to stand together to get this boy the help that he needs. It's not his fault that his mother is poisoning his mind and heart. Have your boyfriend document EVERYTHING... everything the mom says, everything the boys says, everything the boy does, everything that is done to deal with his behavior. Times, dates, everything. Nothing is too insignificant to document.

Does your boyfriend have a lawyer? If not... he needs one. Hopefully with good documentation and a good lawyer you guys can get a judge to mandate some family counseling for all of you to learn together and, hopefully, the mother to get the picture loud and clear that she is harming her son by being so hateful.

In the meantime... do not leave the boy alone with your daughter. If he says or does anything hurtful towards her then you can firmly, but gently remove him from the area and let him know that if he can't play nicely then he has to play alone. That poor boy must be so hurting and confused right now. You and your boyfriend (especially your boyfriend... as the parent here) need to show him the love with firm, but gentle guidance that he is seriously lacking in his mother's presence.

Jenna - posted on 08/07/2012

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Your boyfriend is the dad of this little boy - he needs to reprimand him when he is doing something wrong. He needs to be very consistent and you need to ease your way in as a disciplinarian as he becomes more manageable. Your boyfriend also needs to dismiss her threats as most likely they are not realistic (does she have the money to move her and her son to Bulgaria, how long has she been at her job, etc.).
Do they have a custody agreement? If not, I would suggest doing so - then she can't threaten to go back to Bulgaria without getting kidnapping charges against her.
The son makes these statements because he has no consequences for them. #1 - don't let him know they bother you. #2 - put him in time out when he hit/kicks, etc. #3 - have a back up consequence for when he doesn't stay in time out (i.e. take away his favorite shoes, game, etc).
Another suggestion is to turn his negative comments around. For example when he was making fun of her for the stitches, say something like "they're so cool! She's going to have an awesome scar from those!" Stop letting him defeat you - he's only 4!
If this doesn't work and improve in 1-2 months, you may need to move out, but do not stick around and wait for him to actually hurt her! You may need to move out sooner to ensure the safety of your daughter.
Good luck, Rachel!

KAMI - posted on 08/06/2012

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The boy friend has allowed this behavior to go on and will continue to do so if you don't do something. He is being very passive and playing the victim in this while you and your daughter is being terrorized by a four year old. He has allowed his ex to have power over your household. She is laughing while you are crying. He needs to man up and deal with his ex and control his son. Or else you need to get you and your baby the hell out of there! If you sit there, years will pass and your daughter will be an emotional mess or worse his son could end up hurting or killing your child! Don't be dumb and say it will never happen because bad things happen every day with children. And if she gets hurt by him its on your head. Your are responsible for protecting her and yourself. Wipe your tears and get on your job...being a mother to your child.

Danith - posted on 08/06/2012

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please don't let this bother you remember he only is hearing what his mom has said, and he is still little, you can only show him love and let him learn to trust you. Be kind to both your own child and the 4 year old. I went through this with my stepson and I even had my own children, I had him every weekend, his mom said the same thing, so I suggested to my husband whom is a angel, maybe you need to spend some time alone with him and then I will, then do things together even have him help with your 18 month old with supervision doing things.

But it does get better but it still has its ups and downs my husbands ex is a american. NOw my stepson is 17 years old and graduated high school and in boot camp for the Air Force, and before he left he told me without my unconditional love of a love and hate relationship he wouldn't have made it.

And even now his mom apologized for treating me and having him say the things she said to him to make me feel bad, but you have to keep plugging that love to him.

Best of luck and sometimes you have to be the bigger person you are the adult to completely ignore it all the more attention you give the negativity the worst it gets so trust give positive, I know I have been walking on eggshells this whole time and now I am all done with it.

Beth Schaffner - posted on 08/06/2012

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What does your boyfriend do when his son is treating your daughter this way? If he is not taking charge, being a man and correcting/disciplining his son then he is not the most caring and loving man that you think he is. Your daughter's well being HAS to come first. Period!!!

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/02/2012

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MOVE OUT! Not tomorrow, not 2 weeks from now....just move out now. This child and his mother are always going to be a part of your boyfriends life. Move out. For your little girls sake, and your sake. Give yourself some time to figure out if this is all worth it, cause quite frankly, it is not going to change.

Jodi - posted on 12/02/2012

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OK, I havn't read the other responses yet. There are a lot! 2 things...first and foremost, keep in mind this is a little boy...hardly less of a baby than your little girl. At this age, his actions and behaviors are a result of his parenting...aka....mommy AND his daddy. Mommy is probably modeling the behaviors and from the sounds of it, by inaction daddy is condoning his behavior.



That said, convince daddy to take his little man to a therapist. Not only will this help the child, but it might give the mom a piece to think about and in the long run, help the whole family. In the end, take care of your child however you need to. But there are more options that just get up and get out. Good luck!

Melissa - posted on 08/29/2012

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Maybe the solution at this moment is that you and your boyfriend move into two separate homes. This way when he has his son over, you and your daughter are not around that.

I personally believe her best interest comes before a relationship. I understand this man is who you love and in no way should you just drop it; yet you can move into your own home to protect her from access to this bully of a child and let your boyfriend and him do some work together - therapy or counseling. Obviously this son is not happy about him having any women in his fathers life outside his own mother.

Carri - posted on 08/29/2012

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your bf sound's very immature. I think he is mean. how old is he and your little girl. these little messages we send to our children can imprint on their little minds. This can be damaging. He sound's a little abusive. He seems to love you and be irritated by your child. I would ditch him.

Roxanna - posted on 08/26/2012

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Can you give us an update, Rachel? Please remember that love for a man can not supercede the love of your child. Are you young? Some women find it hard to stand up to a man. I know you were not raised with your father, but a positive male influence in your child's life is beneficial, BUT, if he cannot protect her, than what is the point of having him in your lives? One lady said that men don't handle confrontation well and that is true. But I am the Queen of confrontations! State your needs and concerns to your partner. Give him a realistic time frame to began to work on the issue of his son's behavior and the influence of the BM. Let him know that if he cannot guarentee his childs behavior, then he will need to find another place to visit with his child. And let him know you are not making him choose between you and his son, but YOU will make a decision on what is best for you and your daughter.

Good luck.

Ana - posted on 08/25/2012

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Since you all are not married, I think you should move out..



Why would you stay someplace where you child is constantly being verbally abused..??



Get a place of your own with your daughter..



If your boyfriend over time has learned to control his son, maybe there can be a future for you all, but with the boy's mother being involved the way she is, that poor boy is going to need counseling and it won't work as long as he lives with his mother!



SAVE YOUR CHILD!

Pam - posted on 08/23/2012

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you have to protect things that can not protect themselves. Kids and Pets fall into that category..

It is your responsibility as a mother to protect your little girl.end of story.

Angela - posted on 08/23/2012

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Life isn't always easy and I really hope you and your man can solve this without having to split but you need to protect your daughter.



I have a friend whose wife left him and he raised the 3 kids on his own, the youngest was 10 at the time his mother went. He didn't take it well losing his mother. A couple of years later my friend got a girlfriend, she was a single parent of a little boy aged 2. My friend was like a Dad to this little one. His oldest son (aged about 16) loved the little boy and regarded him as a little brother - so did my friend's daughter who was about 14. The youngest boy didn't and started bullying the little one. He was possibly jealous of the girlfriend as well as the 2 year old.



Now my friend had already had Social Services on his back - simply because it's unusual to give custody of children to the father when a couple splits. They were always checking up on him in the first few months when his wife first left. His youngest child had gone through a few psychological problems, issues at school, petty lawbreaking etc .... Nothing that doesn't happen with other kids but other kids might have a Mam AND a Dad, other kids from single parent families were more likely to have a mother at the helm! As a single Dad, he felt he was getting put under the microscope quite a lot from the authorities.



What do you think my friend did? He asked his girlfriend and the little boy to move out. He could have got firm with his son but that might have led to the boy skipping school, getting involved in dodgy activities, breaking the law etc ... and my friend wasn't willing to do ANYTHING that might result in Social Services getting involved with the family again. And that included having the girlfriend and the little boy living with them as a family if his youngest didn't like it.



He had to put his own children first. It was that simple.

Pam - posted on 08/23/2012

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GET a new boyfriend...or do not allow this child over when your daughter is home..

Reesa - posted on 08/21/2012

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Ok I must reply to this. I have been a mom for 24 years. I know long time right? Here are the steps I would try to take:

1)Confront the boyfriend on what he is going to do about HIS son's behavior. Explain to him that you refuse to raise your child in these conditions. I can't tell you to leave the relationship because that is something you might regret. But explain that it is HIS duty as a parent to handle his SON and the ex wife.

2) PRAY, god doesn't give anything you can not handle. And listen to what God tells you, maybe he wants yu to leave or maybe not.

3) I hate to say this but you may have to give a ultimatum if he will not repair the problem. Your children are the most important thing in your life and always will be. Even years to come. I think that you may have to tell him to decide (me or the highway). But be real sure that is what you want to do. Sooner or later the relationship will crumble if not repaired. I ended a 12 years marriage because he didn't know how to raise or be fair to my children. And he had no children of his own. So once again please PRAY.

🌺 Reesa

Ashley - posted on 08/20/2012

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This may differ from others but its YOUR house too so it NEEDS to be YOUR rules. You need to take charge and get that little bratty kid in line. I have a 6yr old and when he speaks disrespectful to me or his baby sister I put him in his place. IE: I remind him he 6yrs old, he does NOT speak that way. He will get everything taken away from him if it keeps up.. And trust me im NOT nice about it. Im very stern and actually quite bitchy. But it gets the point across because being nicey nice does not always work. If his mother has a prob with it, tell his father about what you did and if need be find a camera and actually record what goes on in your house. Then you will have actual proof incase dumb cunt wants to threaten things. But it is YOUR house so make that kid listen to you. The baby WILL learn from him like my daughter has learned a bunch of crap from my son that I am not happy about. So am I not only trying to fix one child's attitude but two. And saying that hes only 4 is not an excuse. Treat him like a naughty child that he is. Punish him yourself and be VERY stern about it. I have been around soo many kids besides my own and I have yet to receive a negative comment about how I talk to or punish others kids. The kids learn to respect you and learn that they cant treat you like crap or be brats.

Jodi - posted on 08/20/2012

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You need to decide who is in charge in YOUR home......your boyfriend's son, your boyfriend's ex-wife, your boyfriend, or you, or you and your boyfriend.

If you decide it is you and your boyfriend then you both should take a parenting class, they are offered typically free of charge, or quite cheaply, through your local legal aid center. This will give both you and your boyfriend the skills to create reasonable parental boundaries within your home. You must establish rules as to what is permissible and not permissible in your home. If there is not abiding by your rules, then there are punishments which are set out up front. You can have a conversation with a four year old that says we expect you to do ________ and if you don't do ______ then this is what is going to happen. Make sure to ask the child to repeat back to you the rule you just put in place. He will understand and he won't like it. Too bad, you and your boyfriend are the parents in this house, all you have to do is act like it.

As for the ex; she can choose to fill her child with hate and encourage him to spew it on you. You however, have the ability to simply pass it through without reaction or with a statement like, "yes, I understand that is how your mommy feels...... it seems unfortunate to me that that is how she feels". And then leave the conversation alone. Meet the assault and accusations with calm and pity every time and watch how they lose their power.

Under no circumstances should you EVER permit your boyfriend's son to be alone with your daughter - NEVER! It is NEVER appropriate for an older child to lay a hand on a younger child. This should be one of your rules and it should be delivered with conviction and serious ramifications.

Sonia - posted on 08/20/2012

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well, he may be loving and caring but I have not read that he intervenes when these things are happening , you should take a hold of your feelings now and think of your daughter. You said you didnt have a father and know the affect, but be very careful because sometimes its doesnt look like it seems, I know from experience, just take a good look of that relationship especially if there is a ex-wife who is very hateful. Be blessed hoped I have help.

Anna - posted on 08/19/2012

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I agree with what Dove said 100%. Make sure you take notes on EVERYTHING and have a lawyer. It's either that or you have to leave for your and your daughter's safety. Either he has to get this under some sort of control or your relationship has no chance and your daughter's safety and well being is at risk. I would say that the mom is abusing her son with the hatred she is imparting to him as well.

Jo - posted on 08/19/2012

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Natalie: I think you missed the part that the boy is 4 years old. The boy is practically a baby also and with the trauma in his life, he is probably psychologically equal to the 18 month old.

Jo - posted on 08/19/2012

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One more thing. If that boy was born in the USA, she can not take him out of this country. The authorities will detain the child if your boyfriend calls them. It happened to my friend. She left her husband and was taking her children to her parents home in England. He husband notified the authorities and they made sure the children didn't leave the airport, she was allowed to leave alone if she wanted to but not the young American citizens.

Jo - posted on 08/19/2012

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If you intend to stay in a relationship with this man, you and he and his child should see a family therapist. If you aren't in a serious relationship, now would be a good time to end it. Your boyfriend's son is broken. He is hurt, sad and confused by his mom's mean behavior. He needs a lot of love and understanding. Honestly, if you can't win him over, you may have to leave them. If you can, you will have saved another sad soul. You have to ask yourself, do you have enough love to help this boy thru his agony and do you want to go thru the effort. You know, blood brothers and sisters are mean and hurtful also, not just mixed families. And you can't "give them back". Talk with the boy, treat him like you would had you given birth to him and you wanted to heal his heart. A lot of love and a lot of compassion can move mountains. Stop feeling so sorry for your daughter and feel for this 4 year old boy. He's a baby also and he needs a lot of love.

Natalie - posted on 08/17/2012

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Talk to the father. If he doesn't set his child right then dump him. He obviously doesn't care enough about you and your child enough. If he does discipline his kid, then there is proof he wants your little family to work. Children deserve a safe home.

Rachel - posted on 08/12/2012

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Are you serious?!? What happened with you guys now? Did the little girl ever stop acting like a crazy pants?

Rachel - posted on 08/12/2012

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Thank you all so very much. I am SO very thankful for this website and for thoughtful, caring, and kind Mothers like you. :-)



Some of you made me laugh, and some made me tear up. I wish we all lived close so we could have a 'Circle of Moms' pow wow in real life.



In all seriousness, I am taking all of these recommendations seriously and so many good points were made. I can tell this is going to be a hard road. We went on another family outing this weekend and it wasn't any better. I just have to take it one day at a time I suppose. And use you all for support. xxoo

Trevor - posted on 08/09/2012

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It is quite possible that he is not telling his mother that you hit him, but she is lying or coaxing him to say this to get you into trouble.

Kirsty - posted on 08/09/2012

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I agree mostly .... if he's going to be put in time out then he DOES need to be told why. You don't have to enter into any discussion about it but he needs to know the reason so he can think about it. Otherwise he will just get more angry if he can't understand why and will think you are just picking on him

Lynn - posted on 08/08/2012

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I have two step kids that are 24 and 20, and I married their dad 12 years ago. It was not easy, and we've had lots of ups and downs dealing with them and their mother, over the past 16 years I've known them. We have a ten year son and an eight year old daughter now.

You need to give some very serious thought to if you want to deal with this child and his mother for the next 14 years. If it's this tough now, I can tell you, the teeneage years probably won't be fun, either. Try the other suggestions that people have made, but in a few months, just think about the long road ahead of you, and if this is the direction you want for your life. A big part of that decision should be how your boyfriend handles this situation. Does he think you're overreacting, or is he supportive, and understanding of your feelings? If he's being mean to your daughter, too, then you really need to consider your options, and decide if you're going down the road you want for your life.

Michelle - posted on 08/08/2012

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Your baby girl has to come first. You are the only protection she has. If that means leaving your boyfriend, so be it. Sorry, but thats your job as her mom.

Kate - posted on 08/08/2012

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Karen, oh you're right, I missed that part in the beginning. Rachel, if this is a relationship you think is worth it, maybe you could work on greating a step-sibling relationship by talking to him about being a big brother to you daughter. Or maybe remind him that he is older and should be helping younger children, not just your daughter...just a thought. I know jealous children are difficult and sometimes it just can't be resolved.

Karen - posted on 08/08/2012

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Kate ... the daughter is not the biological child of the boyfriend (at least that is what I got from reading this post)

Kate - posted on 08/08/2012

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Step-children can be difficult. It is very sad, but try to imaigne how he must feel that your daughter gets to spend more time with his father than he does. If possible, try to get him to a therapist so that he can learn to be productive about his feelings. It will be healthier for him and the entire family. Until then, I would keep my young daughter away from him while he is visiting. Go out of town or visit with a friend. You don't want your daughter to have emotional scars and this will also give your step-son some alone time with his dad, which he probably really needs right now.
You may also want to tell him that he is her big brother and she needs his help becuase she is so small. Give him some responsibilities like helping to bathe her or playing with her, if you haven't tried this already. Remind him that she loves her big brother, even if he has a different mom, they have the same dad. Since you don't want to discipline him, which you are probably right not to do since he is so jealous, try using positive reinforcment, if he gives you a chance. When he does something even remotely nice for his sister, complement him and try to reward him by doing something he likes (icecream, extra time to play video games, etc).
Hope this helps, jealous siblings are very difficult, and it's hard when they are so young because they don't reason as well as older ones. I definitely feel for you and your family.

Karen - posted on 08/08/2012

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I'm so sorry for what you are going through. My advice probably won't be the popular one, but I still think it is probably for the best.

Your priority must be your baby girl, and you cannot ask your boyfriend to chose between you and his own son.

In my opinion, I would probably get my own place. If i wanted to keep the relationship going, it would be when his son is not there. But the kids are very young so your are talking about years of this, and trust me it is only going to get worse, not better. I would move on ...

Sorry.

Marshon - posted on 08/08/2012

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First of all He should be handling the situation. If he does not do anything to make this kid behave then you have to think about the long term affects on your child. If he is not going to control the boy while he has him then you are going to have much bigger issues as the kids grow up.

Barbara - posted on 08/08/2012

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You need to get counseling for you, and your family. This situation can only get worse if this little tyrant is not stopped. He needs to learn some manners. You need to protect your daughter. She is your primary concern.

Devika - posted on 08/08/2012

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I have read someo n of the responses all of which sound great however most men are not wired for confrontation... dont put him in a situation where he will have to choose between you or his son... it might get ugly. I would take it slow and get the following done one at a time:

1. Ask him to renegotiate the terms of their divorce including not being able to take their son out of country

2. Can u reduce the duration of his visits? Try bringing him only when ur husband is off of work

3. Schedule activities for the 2 of of u outside the house tell them it is a gift from u so that they can spend dad son time.... this will give his energy some creative outlet and also stop him from spying on and being mean to you

Hopefully this would work... good luck!

Julie - posted on 08/07/2012

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Your BOYFRIEND needs to be the one to lay down the lay with his son ... NOW!
If he choses not to I wold say he is speaking loud and clear as to whom he really loves and will protect...
As sad as it is - its not you and your baby ♥ SORRY ...

Julie - posted on 08/07/2012

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Your BOYFRIEND needs to be the one to lay down the lay with his son ... NOW!
If he choses not to I wold say he is speaking loud and clear as to whom he really loves and will protect...
As sad as it is - its not you and your baby ♥ SORRY ...

Patty - posted on 08/07/2012

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If this man is truly caring and loving ... He is the one who needs to step in and correct his son! I would have a chat with him and let him know HE needs to get control over his son! He also needs to spend quality time with him assuring the son he is important to daddy too. This biy has issues for sure and daddy better deal with it if you are going to stick around.

Kimmi - posted on 08/07/2012

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Dove and Jenna both have very good suggestions, please heed them. Hope all works out well for you. Please keep us posted!

Lacye - posted on 08/07/2012

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Rachel: What does your boyfriend do when he catches his son acting this way? Does he get onto him or does he let the behavior slide? It sounds like he needs to stop up and be a more proactive parent.

As for the ex: Fuck that bitch. The next time she tries that "I'll move the son out of the country" bullshit, tell your boyfriend to get a lawyer and take her to court. The court can have it to where she cannot take the child out of the country without his permission. He probably needs to do that anyways. It's disgusting the way some women use the children as pawns just to get their way.

Tracy - posted on 08/07/2012

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I haven't read the other responses, maybe my answer is similar? I would say that you address this VERY SERIOUS matter with your boyfriend. My suggestion would be to make it VERY clear that you support him having a relationship with his son (don't ever get between that!) but that his son is a danger to your child. Perhaps he can schedule visitation with his son away from you two - or you two go somewhere for a few days while he visits his son. With time and a LOT of help, his son may come around one day but in the meantime, I think that you and your daughter should not have contact. This also may help his son by showing his son that his daddy is still HIS. This poor kid doesn't understand the crap his mother is doing and then he is probably angry about his dad having another family but he is too young to express anything about the whole situation. So his father MUST MUST MUST address this child's issues or else he could grow even more dangerous to those around him. And you absolutely need to keep your daughter away from him. If your boyfriend is not willing or able to keep them separate (at least for a couple years while his boy works out his issues - but possible for many years longer), then you need to have the strength to leave to protect your child. This will likely only progress and get more dangerous for your child - physically and psychologically.

Melissa - posted on 08/07/2012

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thwere are some free services but you have to jump over hoops to get them Child with ADD for example. Look into everything operation child find is nationwide to find kids who need special school help early intervention Also some states services are better than others! Good luck!

Also make sure ex isn't allowed to leave country, she probably can't afford to anyway! maybe doesn't want to either. If she threatens take ist seriously though and document it tape phone conversations it can be done ask a cop1 friend of ours did it they were cops. You know thehenyou have proof not just hear say!!

Belinda - posted on 08/07/2012

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If he loves you and your Daughter than he will do something about it. Sit down and talk to him.
Your Daughter is more important than any Guy even if he seems like a caring and loving man (if he really is he would not let his son do this) He needs to take control of his kids, if his ex-wife is threathing to take him away she will eventaully anyway, if she can afford it.

Evelyn - posted on 08/07/2012

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I agree!! Your boyfriend has to step up to the plate, otherwise nothing will change.
To be honest, it would be in the best interest of the child if he would apply for full custody of the boy. The Mom is so hateful and as long he is with her, that will always be passed on. She shouldn't have him at all. Is the Dad thinking about what's best for the boy??? He desperately needs counseling. The Mom can't legally take the boy out of the country unless they have signature from the Dad. He should let the officials at the airport put information in the computer to make it clear that he will never allow the boy to leave the Country to go to Bulgaria without him. Even if the Mom were to go there with a fake signature from him, she might not come back.
I have a little toddler girl and if things didn't radically change soon, I take my girl and leave. Easy said, I know. Just imagine this behavior is constantly around your sweet daughter. NO IT WON'T CHANGE!. Not if the Mom is constantly feeding the hate. It's not his fault at all, it's all the mom. She is totally messing him up. Kids pick up so much from any other kid. Do you really want your child influenced by this once she understands? If things don't change I would really think about who is most important to you. Will you ever be able to be happy in the next many years with the influence of such a hate fed child?
Until things change you could move out and not be around your boyfriend when the boy is there. Until your boyfriend has dealt with the boy (and mother), it would be good to protect your little girl from this. I really hope your girl won't have to be beat up. Things definitely have to change!! It's important not to wait too long. Kids pick up so much more than we know. She doesn't have to understand the words to feel the hate. So sad.

Amie - posted on 08/07/2012

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Have you tried sitting down with your partner and his ex? Maybe your husband should conduct it under your guidance and keep it in the best iinterest of the boy.

Take him out and give him three options where and have fun. Just the two of you. When he is good give him endless praise and affection. When he is bad then put himwin time out. Let his dad do that part. Make a sticker chart with him and hype it up. He will catch on over time. Maybe eventry a mediator. This mother obviously doesn't have this child's best interest at heart. Just keep on loving! Good luck.

Angela - posted on 08/07/2012

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I agree with what the others have said about documenting everything. But your partner also has to be firmer with his boy and back you up in getting the message over that it's not right to bully your little girl. He may feel that his hands are tied since his ex-wife comes from another country and she might just take the boy to live there. However, many "immigrants" come to a new country precisely because they prefer to build a life in the new land. If she had any intention of returning to her birth country, believe me, she would've done so by now! But it's a useful thing to hold over your partner!

May I also ask how the 2 of you got together? Was he already split from his wife when the 2 of you got together? He's not your child's father and your child is only 18 months so I'm assuming you've not been together very long.

What people have advised about getting counsellors and therapists involved and a lawyer etc .... is very good advice but I feel you are in the States where none of these things are free? Talk is cheap but the suggested solutions never are.

Good luck!

Melissa - posted on 08/06/2012

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I agree with Dove, document document document. If boyfriend doesn't stand with you dump him. your child comes first and so do you!!

The 4 yr old does need help/counseling, although that is a some haht natural reaction from a child to resent the younger one, but not to that extreme! Good Luck! I am rooting for you and your 18 month old!! I hope it all works out for the best!

Kimberly - posted on 08/06/2012

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i am in a similar situation! i have a 2 month old son with my boyfriend. he has a 6 year old daughter who lives with us because he has full custody. his daughter is vicious and malicious with my son! she has put trash in his bottle, spanked him, hit him, tried to touch his "soft spot" after she was told thats the most delicate spot! she has talked horible about him. even when i was pregnant she would constantly kick punch elbow and bump into my stomach and ask me if my baby died. it was horrible! her mother was very violent with her so i always thought thats why she was that way! it became a problem so my step daughter now receives therapy and it is helping very slowly but surely! i have taken courses on child development and all children with divorced parents are reccomended to take therapy! your boyfriends son shoud get therapy call the county it is free if you need it to be! a lot of the things your boyfriends son says are things my step daughter would say! but I wasn't going to let her be the reason i left the man I love! no one would really believe me and they would wonder how could a little girl be so mean. but she can be horrible! but ultimately she is the daughter of the man i love and the sister of my son! if your boyfriend is worth it to you then fight for it! ultimately your boyfriend needs to discipline his son. he is his parent! your boyfriends son is expressing jealousy, and fear. a fear to lose his dad since he already suffered through his parents divorcing. it took me almost a year but i am finally seeing improvement. i believe therapy is the reason why. also my boyfriend got very strict on his daughter. always remind your boyfriend that you are interested in him getting help for his own good, your boyfriend wont go for it if he feels his son is being attacked or put down. hope this helps. and the best of luck to you!

Stifler's - posted on 08/06/2012

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You know what it's your house, your rules. He's the child, you're the adult. Doesn't matter if it's your kid, your step kid, your friends kid. Tell him what will happen if you see him hitting or kicking and that it's not acceptable to do to anyone. Doesn't matter whose kid it is or who their mum is. No one has the right to treat you or your kids that way. Put him in time out if he can't keep his hands to himself and be polite.

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