My child's father is never around, but wants to take him from me. Help!

Amanda - posted on 02/06/2013 ( 13 moms have responded )

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When I was pregnant, the father left me, saying his feelings changed and didn't talk to me for weeks sometimes months. At 6 months pregnant, I had to go by myself to buy everything for the nursery and put everything together myself. Our friends kept saying that he'll change once the baby is here. So I kept in touch. He remained the same and I was getting stressed out. Doctors told me that the stress was bad for me and the baby and it was putting both of us at risk. Anyways, I had the baby, he was there at the hospital with me. I went home and for the first two weeks he was there with me off and on. Then there was a fight between him and my parents. After that he has not been over and has not made any type of effort to see his son. He is almost three months old and his father has not seen him since he was a little over a month. Doesn't even ask about him. My doors are open to him anytime he wants to come over. But he never comes. And now he's saying that he wants to take the baby so he can spend time with him. Am I wrong for not letting him? He hasn't been around for the pregnancy and nearly the first two months of the baby's life. He's saying that I'm keeping him away from his son, but he never makes an effort to see him.

Any advice? :/

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Dove - posted on 02/06/2013

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I would not let him take the baby unsupervised until you have a court order spelling out custody, visitation, and child support. It's just a good plan to protect all of you. He does have a right to see his son and have a relationship with the child and, more importantly, your son has a right to know his father. I would keep the visits supervised for the time being. Perhaps offer to set up mediation, so that the two of you can work out a legal agreement without involving the cost and hassle of lawyers and a big court case.

Liz - posted on 02/06/2013

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Have you thought that he's not coming over because of the altercation between him and your parents? Have you offered a compromise, such as meeting somewhere else on neutral ground or ensuring that your parents are out at the time he visits?

Shawnn - posted on 02/07/2013

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Ok, Amanda, here's the deal. You're not married to him. You can't dictate his behaviour.

Holly does have a point about a couple of things here. You worry that he won't be able to handle caring for the baby (even though he's got experience with babies, at least as much as you do...) . The only way to learn how to care for your kid is to do it. How is he supposed to become accustomed to interpreting his child's needs if he is never given that opportunity?

And the coming and going...Again, you're not married. If you were, you'd have more of a "say" in how he spends his spare time. Look at it this way. Has he told you that you must stay with the baby 24/7 when he is in your care, and that you cannot, for any reason, leave the baby with your mother or a sister/friend? If he were to say that to you, how would you react? Poorly, most likely, because you are an adult who does not appreciate being told how to run every aspect of your life, right? And, I have to ask...do you leave the baby with your parents? Even to take a shower or get a break for an hour? You truly don't know HOW he'll act once he's got his child with him. You've never given him the opportunity!

And why is it a problem if he does leave the baby with his mom for a couple of hours? The woman is the child's paternal grandmother after all.

Now, the childishness between him and your parents is a bit much. You say he hasn't apologized. Have your parents apologized to him? Its not that hard to say "We may have had a misunderstanding, we apologize". They don't need to admit guilt, but seriously, they did overreact. He wasn't there to see them, or to live with them, he was there to see his child. Was it childish that he would not speak to them? Yes, but I have a feeling that there's more to that part of the story that you haven't shared. You don't need to, but I fail to see why there would have been a big argument about someone not saying "hello" to the owners of the house when they arrived. If I got upset with my kids friends for that type of thing, I'd be pissed all the time for no good reason.

So, I'll say this. Spend the funds to get a mediator. Get visitation, custody and support finalized legally. That should stop the arguments. You'll get the baby for your set time, he'll get the baby for his set time, you'll make parenting decisions together, in the best interest of the child. You won't get to dictate how he spends his time with his child, nor will he get to dictate how you spend your time. If you cannot come to an agreement, or you do not wish mediation, and he decides to go to court for full custody and support from you, he'd have a leg to stand on.

Dove - posted on 02/06/2013

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Liz and Shawnn both have an excellent point about the stress of your parents if he visits the baby in your home. Try to meet in a public place for visitations.

Shawnn - posted on 02/06/2013

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He probably does want to spend time with his child, without the stress of your parents. Try suggesting a neutral meeting place

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Kelsey - posted on 02/07/2013

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Personally, meeting him in a public place is not a good idea. Since he's the father; he has equal rights to the baby and he could take the baby from you. But if you're on your own property and tries to take the baby. You some protection. I had to do that with my ex. I also had to camp out in my parents house for two months until my court date. Also, since your son is so little, the father would probably get in-home visitation until the baby gets bigger. Don't hold my word on it though. I don't know how your state does things.

Amanda - posted on 02/07/2013

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The talk was about HIS SON, not me and him and he had to wait until he finished partying? If it was a normal regular talk, I wouldn't be upset.

Coming and going as he pleases? Things change when a baby is here. Priorities need to be set. Partying and hanging out with friends is no longer on the top of the list. I don't have a problem with him going out and all that, but I believe the baby should come first. If his friends tell him to go out, he'd just throw the baby to his mom or sister to watch.

We were still together during this time- I asked him to buy a crib and a stroller and he flipped out on me. Seriously? Then he goes and buys a new set of golf clubs which cost more than the two things I asked for.

I don't keep him under a microscope. He doesn't have to do exactly what I say. You don't come over to someone's house and not greet the people who live there. I don't expect him to have a conversation with them. I don't even care if he likes them. Just be respectful. Plus, if he wants to avoid seeing my parents, they never home during the day and he knows that. Yet he has not made any effort in coming over. And when he is over, everyone leaves him alone and he can do whatever he wants.

Holly - posted on 02/07/2013

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why should he even bother saying hi to your parents? he is not in courtship with you... he is there to see his child... THIS is why he doesn't want to see his kid at your house... you are examining him under a microscope! as for your next paragraph, this is stupid, completely stupid! he has more experience than many first time mothers with infants, the hospital wasn't worried about sending you home with the baby, right? you managed some how didn't you? you are just GRASPING for a reason for people to be on your side here. 3rd paragraph is rediculus! he doesn't have to meet your rediculus demands you. you wanted him to care for you when you were pregnant, why? he didn't want to be with you! when the baby arrived he came and went as he pleased... of course, he is a grown man! apparently he wasn't gone long... the baby is still an infant! you needed to talk to him, he wanted to wait until theweekend was over, so for 2 days he didn't want to talk... OMG that is so only 2 days!!!! from your last post it seems as though you wanted him to do exactly as you wanted or you were not happy... you wanted him on the short leash of he can't go 2 days with out talking and if he didn't come and visit you and be under your microscope on a daily basis, you were not satisfied... THIS IS REDICULUS!

Amanda - posted on 02/06/2013

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I don't understand what it is with guys. He came over to my house and completely ignored my parents. No hi's or anything. There was even rolling of the eyes. Lol. I know there are worst cases out there. But this has an easy fix. He just needs to man up and apologize for being disrespectful in their home. He says its a pride thing?!!

None of us has brought up trying to meet in a public place actually. The thing I am afraid of most is if he does take the baby, since he hasn't been around, he won't know how to deal with the baby. He has taken care of babies before (his niece and nephews) but each are different in their own way. His sleeping habits, the way he eats, how to put him to sleep, how to sooth him when he cries .. etc. I don't know if that makes sense. (I am a first time mom, so I don't know what normal is for all babies)

I want him to be a part of his life so much, but I just expect him to meet me halfway. Through it all, I've been the one putting in the effort. When I was pregnant, it was me who kept in touch while he never cared for me. When the baby arrived, we got into an argument because I said he always comes and goes as he pleases. I needed to talk to him but he wanted to wait till the weekend was over. Even then, I had to drive over to his place to talk because he kept pushing it aside. Being a parent and seeing their daughter go through something like that.. I understand why my parents are upset with him, but even so, they want to see him and the baby together.

Holly - posted on 02/06/2013

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tell him to take you to court... many times the courts will give standard visitation saying that the father is able to take the child for days at a time... if you are not allowing him to take his child to bond with his child now, when he takes the child for days at a time, you are going to SERIOUSLY emotionally damage the baby at that point

Amanda - posted on 02/06/2013

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I know that he is my baby's father and I want him to be a part of his life. He is allowed to come over ANYTIME he wants to, but he never does. He lives less than ten minutes away. Even goes to the country club a few blocks down, but has never stopped by to see his son.

I don't tell him "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SEE HIM" or "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO COME OVER!" I told him that if he shows just a little effort, I wouldn't mind letting the baby stay with him. The last time I talked to him was over a month ago.

Edit:

I also sent him pictures all the time. I felt like he needed to see his son and since he wasn't coming over, I sent him pictures.

Shawnn - posted on 02/06/2013

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He's making an effort. You are trying to say that him contacting you and asking to see the kid isn't making an effort, which is not true.

Yes, he wasn't as supportive as he could be. But, you aren't sounding like you want to compromise. So, since he doesn't get along with your parents, and he wants to see his son, how are you going to compromise? Because, to be totally honest, you haven't given any reason whatsoever for you to deny his relationship with the child.

Liz - posted on 02/06/2013

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He's your child's father and as such has rights, including that of visitation. Your child also has a right to spend time with his father. You need to be adult about this and get a lawyer to work this out. In the meantime, you would be wise to permit him to come for supervised visitation at the very least, unless there is some good reason (e.g. drugs/violence/abuse) that you do not think he should be near you and your son. If there is such a reason, then this gets taken into consideration by the courts.

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