My current boyfriend's ex girlfriend is expecting a child should he go to the babyshower

Erika - posted on 11/09/2009 ( 175 moms have responded )

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about 3 months into our relationship my boyfriends ex told him she was 6 months pregnant and it was his,he's not positive if he is the father but he doesn't want to miss anything just in case the baby is his. I don't think he should go i think after the baby is born and determined to be his then he can have a babyshower himself for all of his family to come and celebrate the addition to the family but he thinks im being selfish,i just don't want him getting so attached to a baby that may not be his.

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Christina - posted on 11/09/2009

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I understand how you feel. We went through a similar situation. My hubby told me when we first started dating that a girl from a one night stand before we met claimed she was pregnant with his kid. He tried to be there for her but she wouldn't let him. When the baby was born she called him and he went and saw it at the hospital. Afterwards she refused to let him see the baby but still claimed it was his. He took her to court and had a DNA test done and it was NOT his baby!!! Ex's can be very manipulative when they are angry so I would let him go to the shower if he wants and be involved but just keep him prepared for the fact that it's possible for it to not be his... I know it bothers you and is very uncomfortable but at least he won't resent you butting in if it does turn out to be his.

Brandy - posted on 11/09/2009

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This sounds like it is more about your trust issues than it is about him or the baby. Agree to it, go with him. She will be more likely to get over it if she sees a supportive woman standing beside him through this than if she sees a jealous gf who is scared to let them be around each other. You need to understand that this is an emotional time for him and if you don't let him do what he feels necessary, you are going to push him away. Also, she is pregnant so she is being emotional and irrational and I'm sure her comments about not letting him see the baby will pass once she has the baby. Even if they don't, there are laws to prevent that from ever happening. Don't fight fire with fire. Be the bigger woman and let it pass or it's always going to be a fight.

Tara - posted on 11/09/2009

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Can I also state that you should not go to the shower unless invited. I know this woman has put you in this situation, but unless either of you are invited you should both stay out of the baby shower situation. I agree, you should send a gift, that would be a nice gesture. But to just show up at this very pregnant woman's shower is VERY inconsiderate of her feelings.

Alicia- actually if there aren't any custody papers drawn up, the father has no rights to the child whatsoever. If he just shows up for a non court appointed visit, and the court hasn't established his rights, and he takes the child, he can be charged for criminal kidnapping. I repeat, until paternity is established,and since they are not married, he doesn't have any rights to the child.

I strongly strongly recommend getting a lawyer involved, or a guardian ad litem, at the very least. Also, document everything!! From the time she contacted you about the pregnancy, until paternity is established. If the child is his, keep documenting everything, from visitations, to things you buy for the child.

Again, your boyfriend legally hasn't any rights until paternity is established. Once the child is born, and if it is his, go to your local child support office. If he initiates support, it will look good on his behalf, and he will get visitation and rights, right away. I cannot express this enough! I hope everything goes well for you all!

Sharon - posted on 11/09/2009

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I think this is a seriously fkd up situation. Bed hopping sucks.



DNA tests are relatively inexpensive now.



I think to prove he is not going there for her, he should hold off on the shower. The others are right. He can have a "Welcome Baby" party after the baby is born and its proven to be his.



And I think he needs to stop taking her calls. He has no responsibility to her. His responsibility is to the baby if its his.



She's not trying to foster a relationship between him and the baby. She's trying to drag him back to her side. Get his feelings even if they are only temporary pity. And what sucks is that he won't recognise that until its to late.



IF I were in your shoes - and I was once. I would run for the hills and tell him to come find me after its all said and done. He's not strong enough to get rid of her phone calls - how much worse will this get after the baby is born? "OOHHH the baby is sick and I need help." "OOOHHHH the baby got hurt, please come see him." Gah friggen nightmare.

Melissa - posted on 11/09/2009

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I feel that the baby shower is for the woman and not the man anyways. But if he thinks that the baby is his, and he wants to be a part of the baby's life, then you shouldn't hold him back. He is one of the few men who want to take care of a child even though he is no longer with his ex. I would talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. Ask him if he still has feelings for his ex, and if the baby would make him want to get back together with her. If he loves you and wants to be with only you, then you should feel safe that he isn't going anywhere. I think that you should accompany him to the baby shower. My son's father got married and I really like his wife. We get long great. And that makes it so much easier to raise our child when we get along. He also really gets along with my boyfriend. You can't have any animosity towards his ex because this was probably not planned, but just happened. Give him the chance to be a great father if it is his child. If you do not let him go and the child is his, he will resent you and ultimatly you guys will break up, because he will feel that it is your fault that he missed out. Just be the bigger person and go with. But try to get along with her. That shows alot. Best of luck!!

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Angela - posted on 12/31/2011

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This thread was started in November 2009 - over 2 years ago! The baby (whoever's it was) has been born now and the subject as presented in this thread isn't relevant now.

We don't know if Erika's boyfriend went to this baby shower (I don't think baby showers are a man's scene, actually!), or if the baby was his or even if Erika remained with this man.

Unless Erika herself comes back on here to update us, it's not really appropriate for us to comment 2 years down the line!

Carol - posted on 12/30/2011

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Has your boyfriend ask you what you think? From experience I can tell you that your 3 month relationship with this man or boy does not give you any right to give him advice on what he should and should not do especially when it comes to the mother of his child and his child. So step back or out and do everybody a favor.

Stephanie - posted on 05/19/2011

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Thank you Candice When did men start going to baby showers is nothing sacred any longer..lol... and no Erika i think you are right.. he is not missing anything dealing with a child that may or may not be his.. the child is still inside the mother its not like its a first birthday..ohhh well then by that time he would know if it was his and if he should be there or not... what is he going to want to do next be there holding her hand in the delivery room with the other could be dads..

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BABYSHOWERS ARE FOR WOMEN ! Your boyfriend shouldn't be their at all. He can go see THE BABY in hospital when it's born. But he needs to make it very clear he's not visiting his ex , but the baby.

My boyfriend's ex also left him while she was pregnant. I didn't even have to ask my boyfriend not to go.

Elan - posted on 11/16/2009

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well i think it is strange for men to go usually it just women but i also think that he should go because it may be his child, you shouldnt hold him back from going he will regret not being there if it is his child. you should just support him and let him decide. if you love him there should be no problem as you should want to support him. show him how mature you can be and let him be there if its not his then be there for him then too. he will appreciate you more if you be there. x

Denise - posted on 11/15/2009

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Hi Erika, i think u should let him attend, for ur own benefit, if the child is his at least he will not acuse u of being ur fault that he hadnt been there and if not his child he will see that u were always behind him no matter what. when the child is born insist on the DNA. Hang in there things will fit into place only time will let u see that.

Lisa - posted on 11/15/2009

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He can get a blood test done while she is still pregnant its called an amniosinteses. Get that done but still stand behind him

Erika - posted on 11/14/2009

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Quoting Havenell:

I dont think that u are being selfish but i thinnk that u are afraid. I say this because you all have not been togther that long and u are commonly afraid that if he goes to this shower he will get closer to her rekindle some old feelings and you might loose him. whether or not the baby is his it's only his choice on if he should go or not , not yours


Im not afraid of losing him,we were actually 2gether before they were bit my famil moved and when i came back to visit he had moved also. Its been 7years since then and its like we were never spent 7 minutes apart. Its almost like we were meant to be with eachother!

Cindy - posted on 11/14/2009

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I also thought the baby shower was for women. I'm not sure what he would be missing, the baby hasn't been born yet so he isn't missing part of the child's life. It seems that the only thing he would be missing is acknowledging to everyone attending the shower that he does believe that the baby is his and he is there to support the baby's Mom.

If the baby is his and you plan to keep him in your life the other Mom will be part of your life as well. Maybe your guy is secretly hoping that it is his child, he can't help the way he might feel but he can decide what he wants or feels he needs to do about it. Tough choices. If the situation was reversed and you were the one pregnant would you want him there? You can't really help the way you feel about this either. Good luck.

Maria - posted on 11/14/2009

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I think that he shouldn't go. If she wants him to be there for the baby then wait until the paternity test is done and it shows that the baby is his. But for now have him tell her (or someone else) to take a video or pictures of the shower and that she should send them his way when you all know if the baby is his. The baby is not out and its just material things that he is going to see. If the baby is his then he has a lifetime to bond with his baby but for now it seems that his ex is making it about her. My husband didn't attend to none of my 3 showers and my kids don't throw it in his face. Who cares if daddy didn't attend the shower. Pray about it. Because what is going to happen if she asks him to be there for the birth.

Liza - posted on 11/14/2009

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I think that if the child is not born yet, then there isn't anything to miss. Baby showers are not generally fun for men anyway. I don't think you are being selfish. I would feel the same way.

Naomi - posted on 11/14/2009

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arent baby showers for the mother and her friends? i didnt think the father would really be interested in all the girly stuff.

Janet - posted on 11/14/2009

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oddly enough this has happened with my fiance cousin recently. He went with her to the dr visit and the hospital when the baby was born and we were all worried it might not be his.(his story... she waited until she was 8 months along before she told him!!!) but the blood test came back positive that the baby was his. The ex even let him name the little boy. I wouldn't keep him from going. How many fathers out there are not involved and do not care.... if you're going to have children together one day this is a true representation of how he will treat them. Which is a good thing!!! Be there for him if it is not his and never say I told you so on that, if it happens. I know it's hard and it's akward but if he is he will need to be a part of the babies life. Good luck to you and I hope things turn out well.

Glenda - posted on 11/13/2009

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i have been reading some of the other replies and i agree with Crystal Schwindt. she has alot of the same thing i was trying to say. but i also say you need to add in prayer and let the Lord guide this situation.

Glenda - posted on 11/13/2009

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I feel like i shouldn't be the one to give advice, i am no mom of the year. but i don't see how him going could hurt. maybe if it makes you more comfortable maybe you guys both go together. it will be hard. But he may end up a bit resentful of you if it turns out to be his. Maybe not invite his whole family and all. maybe that is where you two can compromise is i can see his point about not missing anything but maybe leave the family out for a bit untill its confirmed. but don't let her take forever and drag her feet on finding out. also maybe to protect your relationship maybe you guys need to be together for these things. this is also a test for if he decides he wants to be there for the birth.... i hope this makes sense. i know its harder when you are not in the middle of it all.

Cherie - posted on 11/13/2009

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It's an awkward situation, no doubt. I certainly can understand if it makes you uncomfortable, but I think you need to let him attend. As some others have said, if the baby turns out to be his kid and you didn't let him go he will likely resent that you said no. You need to put aside your (admittedly natural) feelings of insecurity and look at this in a positive light -- he's willing to step up and be a Dad, not just father a child.



I would advise you to have a serious talk with him before the shower, though. Remind him that while he might be the baby's father he is NOT the mother's anything at this point. He should be civil and respectful to her as the potential mother of his child, but not overly chummy. Also, gently remind him that he might not be the baby's father. If he gets too attached to the idea that he is and later he learns otherwise, he could be crushed.



If you are still weirded out by the idea, ask if you can come along as another poster suggested. It might not be a bad idea in any case. After all, if your boyfriend is the dad you are going to be seeing quite a bit if this girl. Best to get to know her and be on good terms with her. (Or civil terms, anyway.)



Hope that helps!

Cherie - posted on 11/13/2009

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Actually, nowadays the father of the child often goes to the baby shower. So if he knew that he is the father, it wouldn't be weird at all.

Tracey - posted on 11/13/2009

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i think he should go but so should you. youre with him now and if youre meant to be together then he needs to include you also.

Deanna - posted on 11/13/2009

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If she cheated on him how can SHE be sure it's his....Even still you should probably let him go cause if he doesn't he will hold it against you and it will affect your relationship with him. Let him know you trust him and that even if the baby is his you will be there to help and support HIM in any way. But be prepared for him leaving you...If it turns out the child is his and he is the type of guy he sounds like he is, he might leave you to be with her for the "baby's sake". It's not an ideal situation and it sounds like the mom-to-be waited until now to tell him because she knew he would be unsure if it was his. If she had told him when she found out, he would have known it wasn't his...Be supportive either way,this is a hard thing for him too.....

Veronica - posted on 11/13/2009

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Also, usually guys don't even want to go to baby showers. My dad and some of my friends boyfriends and husbands came and they stayed in the living room and watched football while we all hung out in the dining room. Although, they did come in there to steal food from time to time. :)

Veronica - posted on 11/13/2009

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I think it really depends on how well they get along. If either of them still might have feelings for each other or just aren't friends then he should wait until he knows it is his. If they are still friends and you and him are ok with that then he should go, but if he does go I think he should allow you to go as well because you are still his girlfriend either way and it wouldn't be fair to you for him to go without you.

Beth - posted on 11/12/2009

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If the ex isn't even sure if your B/F is the Father then he shouldn't be a part of anything until after its determined if the baby is his.. it's really that easy. Missing out on a baby shower isn't missing out on much for a guy, its not like he is going to see the baby. I know many men that were forced to go to baby showers,not one of them enjoyed the experience . What is he going to bond with ? The Mom's tummy? And if its not his.. The joke is on him... Your not being selfish..until its proven that he is the Father, he is not liable for anything

Lisa - posted on 11/12/2009

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If it is his, or he thinks it is, He should go, and if you don't think so you have a little growing up to do

DeeDee - posted on 11/12/2009

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I have a 17 yr. old step son and his mother didn't even call his dad when he was born. He found out he had a son through a paternity order from the courts, so he had a paternity test. From this experience, I would say to have a paternity test, then have a baby shower for his family and friends and be part of that child's life knowing that he is 100% the father. I also have a male friend who supported a child that his ex-wife said was his, but really isn't(they were married at the time of conception). However, he supported the child but had no bond with him, very sad:( I am all for Family, adoption, love and honesty. I wish you well.

Angie - posted on 11/12/2009

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Erika, please be careful. You know his side of the story but you don't know her's. Always remember that there is his side, her side, and the truth is somewhere in the middle. Take a step back and really look at this situation. I'm not sure he is worthy of you. He is dragging you into so much drama and you have only been dating him a few months. I know you say you are "head over heals" in love with him. But you've only known him for a short amount of time. His true character hasn't surfaced yet.

Pam - posted on 11/12/2009

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Wow! I don't know where you all are from, but men have been going to baby showers in the D.C. area for decades. But maybe we have a higher proportion of high-powered working moms, stay-at-home dads and primary-custody dads, or it's an East Coast thing, or city thing. I say let him go to the shower if he won't be the only man there, otherwise he'll stand out and be seen as the dad no matter if it's his or not. Who invited him? The ex or someone giving the shower? It's bad etiquette to throw your own shower or have immediate family do it!



Did he ask if he could bring you as his significant other (even if he knows you hate each other--you're a couple and he should at least ask)? If not,how would you feel about his not standing up for you when invited to other events? Also, why do you give the ex the power to get you all spun up about this situation? Have confidence in your relationship, or you're not ready to be in one.



Usually you can figure out the conception date from a projected due date--was he with her that day/week? Why is he so invested in this one event? Does he want badly to be a new dad, does it make him feel like "I'm da MAN!" or does he just feel it's his duty to be a stand-up guy? Can't DNA tests be done before birth? Amniocentesis does carry a risk of miscarriage, though, so if everyone can wait until the delivery, it would be better.



How long were you together before the most recent 5 months? Five months is not even half a year; do you really know him as well as you should to be living with him and have him in your child's life? How old are all of you? Could teenage drama/immaturity of 1, 2, or all 3 of you be part of the problem? Maybe this isn't the case, but it's something to think about.



What was the ex-girlfriend like before she got pregnant? Really manipulative or more normal? It's a pretty stressful time for her and the raging hormones and difficult single-mom future (and possibly abandonment/poor character or situation of another sperm donor) don't help any either,so I can understand her reaching out and being a little whack. On the other hand, men can be oblivious to some women's wiles, and some choose to be oblivious for their own reasons. Ask him what's motivating him and keep communicating in calm and non-judgmental ways ("I feel ___ when you ___. Please ____.")



Have him check out child support & custody laws in the state, which you should be able to do online. In Virginia it's pretty cut-and-dried with joint custody mandated unless you have tens of thousands to pay lawyers in court. Desperate people will tell you anything, so get the facts. This is not to say that people can't be total jerks about custody and make life miserable for the other parent, but be sure you know your rights and what the incentives/disincentives are to breaking the laws.



Some professional counseling for all 3 of you (4 counting the fetus ;->) could help sort out the issues with someone who's not emotionally invested in the situation and can see things objectively.



Above all, NONE of this is the CHILD's fault; he or she should be loved unconditionally by as many people as possible.

Angie - posted on 11/12/2009

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I think it's amazing that as soon as a woman says she's pregnant, some men say they're "not sure" if the child is theirs. First of all, if he wants to go the shower he should go. I also think that you should take a close look at the character of this man. If he can impregnate a woman and then start making excuses once, he can do it again.

It's obvious that he's still willing to have a relationship with his ex. Let him have that realationship and go find a man who is worthy of you. I'm not sure he is......

Lynn - posted on 11/12/2009

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You have to be a woman anout it and put yourself in everyones position. How would you feel if it was your baby.. Relationships shouldnt have boundaries put on by the other, nor the pressure, we should all know what is accepted and whats not if you cant trust him and if its that big of a deal why are you still with him.. The problem will continue to get worse as the baby grows. so decide know?

Francie - posted on 11/12/2009

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Only 3 months and that much drama!! I would say take your own life back you have your own child to take care off. There is no time for games and he is playin u. If it is meant to be when the dust settles he will be back...If not it was not meant to be. I know it is heart breaking but u and your child do nto need this kind of stress.

Danesa - posted on 11/12/2009

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If the baby is his, I say yes. If the baby isn't I say no. Exes shouldn't be allowed to be friends, especially if there are NO childern involved. Just my opinion.

Lyndsey - posted on 11/12/2009

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You also don't want him missing out in case it is his! Does he think it's his? If so, let him be involved...

Jennifer - posted on 11/12/2009

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I respect those who say it like it is, Kudo's. It really seems to me that this isn't the only problem that these two have had. If he really loves and cares about this current girlfriend then it wouldn't matter if he wanted to go because he would have insisted that she go with him...Just an opinion, doesn't mean that I am right....Pray about it, A LOT...

Jennifer - posted on 11/12/2009

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Why? Is the baby his? He is in a new relationship so I would say no, Why would he want to? Just an opinion.

Sharalyn - posted on 11/12/2009

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This isn't your decision to make. Even though you don't feel he should go, he might want to, so let him go. Just because you are in a relationship with him doesn't mean you make every descison for him or tell him what to do or who to hang out with etc. You are not his mother. It sucks, I know. I've been through this with a previous relationship and it sucks! Plus you don't want anyone holding anything over your head if he didn't go to the baby shower either. This is none of your concern. This is all your boyfriends business. This has nothing to do with you. You can disagree with what he does but he needs your support. Hope this helps.

Sharalyn - posted on 11/12/2009

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This isn't your decision to make. Even though you don't feel he should go, he might want to, so let him go. Just because you are in a relationship with him doesn't mean you make every descison for him or tell him what to do or who to hang out with etc. You are not his mother. It sucks, I know. I've been through this with a previous relationship and it sucks! Plus you don't want anyone holding anything over your head if he didn't go to the baby shower either. This is none of your concern. This is all your boyfriends business. This has nothing to do with you. You can disagree with what he does but he needs your support. Hope this helps.

Erica - posted on 11/12/2009

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I don't understand why he would want to go so badly for a baby shower for a child who may not be his...I agree with an earlier post about men going to baby showers, that's weird. However, if he is insisting on going and their relationship is truly over then there should be no problems with you attending the shower as well. Does he have a problem with you going? It's ahard situation dealing with exes and if the child is his, and you guys stay together you will have to deal with her for the rest of your life... so everyone needs to get used to it.

Karen - posted on 11/12/2009

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I think if he wants to go he should take YOU with him!!!!! no questions asked. you and him are a couple now!!! if this does not work then he needs to wait until the baby is born and make sure it is his before proceeding with being a part of the babies life!!!!

Deborah - posted on 11/12/2009

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Sometimes when we like or want to control situations. I say let go and let God take care of this situation. Just pray and He will give you the answer you're looking for.

Brenna - posted on 11/12/2009

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Here's the solution: He should at least show up to the shower to show he is making an effort, than he can gracefully bow out after 30 min or so. Then she can never say he didnt show up if it is his and he wont be mad at you for holding him back....he probably wouldnt want to stay for longer than that anyway as it would be very awkward for everyone involved knowing they arent together anymore and he doesnt want to be with her....good luck if it is his child I know firsthand how hard it is dealing with a woman who obviously doesnt want you around for no reason. It may get to the point where you feel like you cant deal with it at all but in the end if you really love each other you will make it thru the rough times with the "baby mama" If you ever have your own child with him also this will probably calm her down to the fact of you being around their child because it shows that your relationship is serious, and you arent just "some random chick" to her.....hope any of this helps...all i can say is good luck...you will need it!!!

Joy - posted on 11/12/2009

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I agree. Wait til you know if it is his. Your boyfriend, mom and baby can do a DNA right in the hospital. The kit cost about $150 and is accurate. If the baby is his then do a baby shower for his family.

Autumn - posted on 11/12/2009

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guys usually dont go to baby showers,its usually a girl thing but if he may be the dad and wants to go,then he should. if the child is his....dont miss a thing!

[deleted account]

i am sure if she is pregnant he would have an idea if it was his....I dont think that he should go although i would make sure to send or take a gift over to the shower. You can do it as a civilized adult manner and drop off the gift as a couple you and him. I would let the gift be a gift of money unless she has everything else then i would do a gift card to a baby store :)

Astrid - posted on 11/11/2009

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i think his ex-girlfriend should have invited you as well to the shower. ask if you could attend together, after all, if you and him are going to plan on being together and the baby is his, you will be a part of its life just by being with your bf.

Jess - posted on 11/11/2009

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i think you and he both should go to the altrasounds. but having the baby shower after the baby is born is a good idea also, thats what i did, with both of my kids, but also if he really wants to go and wants you to go aswell then maybe you should come to some sort of agreement, if he wants to go by himself then i would say no. and if he really wants to be with you then he should want you to be aprt of the babies life just as much as he would be, and if thats what he wants then you have nothing to worry about.and yo never know you might just have fun as long as he doesnt ditch you to hang out with his x. he's is there for the baby not her.

Angie - posted on 11/11/2009

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I would have to say no because if he wanted to be with her then he wouldn't be with you now.

Tara - posted on 11/11/2009

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Erika, I don't think you are being selfish, I think you are looking out for what's in the best interest for the person you love.



But here's the thing. I know the Mother of this child hasn't granted you any favors, or any conveniences for that matter, in these past months. I understand that she has been hanging this child over your significant others head in hopes of winning him back, or for some sort of sick control over his life now. If you cause trouble now, she can keep you both out of the hospital when this child is born. She can go into labor, and not tell your boyfriend. The hospital has security measures ( I know, I've used them), you can put people on a list of who isn't allowed to come visit, he could miss out on the big event.

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