My daughter chose to have a relationship with my abuser?

Gianna - posted on 09/21/2012 ( 17 moms have responded )

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If there is anyone out there that can help me make sense of this I would appreciate it.



The father of my daughter was abusive during and after my pregnancy. He tried to kill me, he broke both of my arms, messed up my jaw, raped me, played his family against me, isolated me from people, and never helped with the baby. I even had concerns about him sexually violating her. This all occurred within a 3 year span. I did leave him and wen to a homeless shelter and began to take care of myself. He found me and stalked me. He talked to the people I worked with the get my phone number, etc. He even had his friends follow me around. I tried to allow him in my life thinking things could me platonic but he still treated me disrespectfully. When I could not take anymore, my new boyfriend, our new baby and my daughter moved to another state. My college-age daughter tells me that she has been communicating with her biological father. They have been communicating for 1 year. She tells me that he found her because she is all over the internet. I tried to explain that he only looked for after she was too old for him to be forced to pay child support.If he cared so much about her, he would have given me money when he was around instead of me being on welfare. My daughter says when he contacted her, he said i probably told her all sorts of negative things about him that are not true. I said, if he cared about you, he would not start out with a defense and blame. I asked my daughter if she remembered why we moved to another state. She said because of him. I asked why would she have a relationship with this person. She never answered. She questioned me about his remarks. I read her a letter I kept in the car that said if my body is found under suspicious circumstances, please look at this person and his family. I read to her court documents and other documents.



She and I no longer speak because of this. She wanted me to prove myself, she actually questioned me. I told her that her reaction is why abuse is not reported more often and she should probably do some reading and research on the matter. I have tried to explain to her that to choose to have someone in her life that deliberately treated me that way is insulting, hurtful, disloyal, and wrong. I explained that she has emotionally raped me, and now I am reliving all of those old feelings again.I explained that I never told her about the violence because it is not something that a child should know and that I wanted her to be a child for as long as possible. I thought if she knew her biological father was this way, she might wonder if she would be the same way because of genetics. My daughter has told me that he will always be a part of her life and that I am just trying to control and manipulate her.



I tried to turn the scenario around by reminding her that a boy bullied her brother for 5 years causing him to have an eating disorder, anxiety attacks, and poor self-esteem. I asked if it was okay if i decided to associate with that person. If i did, my son would feel betrayed, he would feel that I am okay with someone hurting him and I am okay with it then it must be okay to let people hurt him and then my son would grow up to not trust his own feelings. My son would grow up thinking I don't care about how he feels. Her response was yes, it is okay to associate with the person that bullied and told other children to beat on my son.



How can she not see that what she is doing on so many levels. How can I express to her how deeply I have been violated by her and that she has betrayed me. Please help.

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Maren - posted on 09/21/2012

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A biological father is very different than a kid from school. She has every right to have a relationship with him if she wants, regardless of what he did to you. The worst thing you can do is stop having a relationship with your daughter when you know she is starting a relationship with an abuser. You want her to be able to come to you if there is a problem, and know you will be there with open arms and no "I told you so". Let her know that you hope she can have a good relationship with her father, but because of past problems you don't want to hear anything about it, and if he is still the same person he was you will be there if it gets bad.

Do not abuse her by denying her your love now.

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2012

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Well, I asked why the abuse was not mentioned in the OP, and if you suspected abuse, why it was never reported and dealt with at the time??



Quite honestly, Gianna, Why does it matter how I spell anything? Typos, spelling, what has that got to do with anything? There are variations to every word that are perfectly valid. If that is your biggest concern about anything I've said, then you really are trying to detract from the real issue.



I actually agree with many of the ladies here. Your daughter is an adult.. This is her choice and your behaviour is only alienating her. It sounds to me like you just need to be *right*. And the fact is, that by badmouthing her father to her, you are only alienating her further. She needs to figure it out for herself.



You seem to be awfully defensive about it.

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2012

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So...you are the child of a doctor, you used to be a counsellor, you are now an attorney, and yet you came to an internet forum for help?

Sally - posted on 09/21/2012

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Your daughter has a relationship with you and now she has arelationship with her father. This man did terrible things to you but it was you not her he hurt. I understand your pain but my advice would be to step bak,let his true colours show for your daughter to see and if they don't be grateful. You don't have to like the man but your daughter has the right to know him. Do not lose her over this. If you were strong enough once to get out of it, you are strong enough to weather this. X

Dove - posted on 09/21/2012

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Way to lay a guilt trip on your kid.....



I get what he did to you and how YOU feel 100%, but.... he's her father. Deadbeat, loser, abusive creep or not.... she got half of her DNA from that man and if she wants to know him on her own terms as an adult.... who are you to emotionally abuse her for it? If he hasn't changed.... she's going to NEED you, but now she probably won't come to you and the cycle could start all over again.



I'm sorry. I know you are hurting, but hurting your daughter doesn't help that at all. I suggest you seek counseling on this issue immediately.

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Gianna - posted on 09/22/2012

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You should have just said you needed more info.



While I was pregnant I had hyperemesis gravidarum. Basically everything in my body was in "hyper" mode. Sights, sounds, and smells caused me to vomit. I could not sip on water or ice because I would vomit. I did not eat for 4 months and could only bathe and brush my teeth once a week because the smells and tastes would cause so much pain for me. I also get migraines so I have a sensitive system. When the body is lacking nutrients it begins to eat away at itself and cause mental issues. With this going on and him deliberately doing things to mess with me, like stand at the foot of the bed and douse himself with Calvin Klein Eternity (I have an eidetic memory and it pissed him off. I got to hear, "why do you remember everything, you are too smart for your own good, why do you have to be so smart") or making spaghetti in a way that he has never made it in the past, tons and tons of garlic and hot sauce then sticking that in my face and asking if I want some, there were problems. Now, if you are not aware of abuse then you would not see these things as deliberately trying to hurt me. An outsider would only see these things as him trying to smell good or offering me food. He knew that everything would make me vomit. When I could get some sleep, I would wake up to him (I apologize) touching himself and trying to make certain body parts of mine respond in a way that he could use as a visual (I hope that makes sense). Now I am dealing with his deliberate sleep deprivation. I had to listen to his mother and sister tell me that I need to get a job, I NEED to do this, and I NEED to do that. I was hospitalized because i was dehydrated, lost 20 pounds, and am dealing with agoraphobia. I needed to be locked up because I was convinced that I was crazy, just like he said I was and if anyone looked at me, they could see crazy on my forehead or in my eyes, (this is what he told me) and I looked like crap because he would not allow me to go to a beauty shop to have my hair brushed or cut off. My hair texture is not of European descent.



I did not bother to review this for any misspellings or grammatical errors.



Is this what you wanted to hear? I thought telling this would cause laughs because unless you have been abused, you would see this as ridiculous, unfathomable, and something for the movies. Everything is true.



Responding to your questions, the first question is already answered. Second question, why are you assuming that the suspicion was not reported? Please clarify what you mean by dealt with. Dealt with is vague.



I find it interesting that people pronounce things, name things, and spell things differently just because of regional differences. I also think that everyone should check their spelling and grammar if they want to be taken seriously and why not show your best? There are not variations to every word.



I went to college to be an attorney, during my core classes, some of my professors complimented me on my talent as a writer and how reading and interpreting poetry and literature was never a struggle for me, so I decided to get a BA in English. During the course of my upper level English classes, I had a professor who taught a history of the English language and being that he and I are from the same part of the world, he would ask me to pronounce certain words for the class and then tell me that the word is no longer pronounced that way because the vowel sound have morphed and now sound this way and blah, blah, blah. Interesting to me, not so much to other people. The reasons stated above are why my focus on your spelling. It is not my biggest concern as there are other remarks from me that have nothing to do with your spelling. At what point do you see that I am more focused on your misspellings? Why are you ignoring that I am responding to all of what you say?



It may just sound like I need to be right, it may be because the whole story is not told, or maybe because all sides to the story are not told, or maybe because you started out with an accusatory tone and you were determined to be offensive and rude. There are ways to ask questions without being offensive.



Am I bad-mouthing her biological father or am I answering the questions she asked of me? She wanted me to prove my allegations were true, so I read her the court documents and other documents (court documents were mentioned in my first post). I ask again, Jodi, what makes you think that nothing was reported?



Defensive? Am I not allowed to defend myself? I think not defending myself enough is what allowed me to be abused for so long. I respond to all of your points so please, show me how I am deflecting? I don't see it. I responded to everything you put out there.



Seems to me that you are the one who needs to be right and is defensive when someone points out the flaws in your argument.



This is not going to come out sounding right, so go ahead and say that I think that I am better than everyone. I have an above average I.Q. (all it means really is I have serious book smarts and a bit of common sense) and those of us who are like that or have been in special classes, skipped a few classes, or graduated from school at an early age, we do tend to sound like we need to be right; but it is only that way to people who are dissimilar. If you watch American television, Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory is meant to be comedic, but people like that do exist. I am not nearly as bad as Sheldon but I understand why he is the way he is.

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2012

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And you still have not answered why you did not report abuse if you suspected it.

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2012

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Pharmacists are not referred to as doctors where I live (and are not permitted to do so), so I guess we will have to agree to disagree on that one. I guess we'll call it a lesson in acknowledging that this is a worldwide website.



I responded because I don't agree with what you are doing to your daughter. Others have also disagreed. So far, I am questioning what you are actually asking???? It appears to me you are after people who agree with your behaviour?

Gianna - posted on 09/22/2012

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Jodi, that was not an insinuation but an implication. You are aware that pharmacists are doctors because they went to medical school but are not allowed to do anything on people? Are you aware that veterinarians are also doctors and they are only allowed to practice on non-humans?



If you do not believe what I am saying, why are you bothering to respond to my posts? Surely, you can find someone else to criticize, your family perhaps?

Gianna - posted on 09/22/2012

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What you have said is actually not skepticism (you spelled it with a "c" so this might explain why counselor is spelled with 2 "l" perhaps you and I were educated in different countries).



What exactly are you doubting? As this is an online forum, how do you propose I prove anything to you so you are no longer questioning the validity of my statements?

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2012

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"You are aware what a doctor is? Not all doctors are medical doctors? "



Are you kidding me? Here is your exact statement. You VERY MUCH insinuated you were the child of a doctor who was of a medical background:



"Colonics are what they do for any problem. I know, as the child of a doctor, colonics should only be done by a professional."



Sorry, your story is just not adding up.

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2012

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"there is only 1 letter L in counselor by the way"



Actually, you are incorrect. In some parts of the world (those who haven't butchered the original English language) it isn't one L.

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2012

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Forgive my scepticism, but there is an awful lot of relevant information you chose to leave out of your initial post.



Are you suggesting HE abused his daughter? In what way? Why did you not report it?

Gianna - posted on 09/22/2012

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Jodi,



I am looking for something that is mother-to-mother. Not all attorneys are mothers, not all counselors (there is only 1 letter L in counselor by the way) are mothers. You are aware what a doctor is? Not all doctors are medical doctors?



Thank you for reminding me that there is shame when asking for help.

Gianna - posted on 09/22/2012

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Jodi, what exactly is your question? I was not aware that I need to post my degrees online.

Gianna - posted on 09/22/2012

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Thank you all for your opinions. I do appreciate it. There are other issues that were not mentioned, for brevity reasons. I suspect my daughter was violated as an infant, not just by her biological father, but also his mother. His mother asked me if her son was any good in bed, if he had a large male member because her father has one. Colonics are what they do for any problem. I know, as the child of a doctor, colonics should only be done by a professional. My past therapist told me that the colonics are use as a form of abuse in his family. His mother also told me that despite the fact that he picked me up then body slammed be on the ground breaking my arms, my arms were already broken from a childhood fall and that if i had sex with him more often he would not hit me. She was abused by her first 2 husbands, and at the time she told me that she was working on divorce number 6. I will go back to therapy as there are many more facts and issues to this. Her boyfriend telling her what to do all under the guise of love, is another part of this. My daughter questioning me, expecting me to prove myself, speaking to me as if I am the abuser, but never questioning anything he says, is also a form of abuse. I used to be a counselor but I am now an attorney. But I will be going back to therapy.



Also, you know how you just know deep down that something is not right? I know they are both trying to play each other. She does not understand that he has contacted her to hurt me. There is evidence of this but she cannot see it. She says he does not appear to be very bright so she will get money from him. I asked her if she had any integrity. Because at the end of the day, no matter what is said about me whether positive or negative, it can always be said that I have integrity and I have always been about integrity, even as a teenager.



Thank you all again!

Michelle - posted on 09/21/2012

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I do understand where you are coming from but she is also allowed to know her Father. Someone who is abusive can't hide it for long and she will eventually see the truth but until then there's not a lot you can do.

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