Gianna - posted on 09/21/2012 ( 17 moms have responded )
If there is anyone out there that can help me make sense of this I would appreciate it.
The father of my daughter was abusive during and after my pregnancy. He tried to kill me, he broke both of my arms, messed up my jaw, raped me, played his family against me, isolated me from people, and never helped with the baby. I even had concerns about him sexually violating her. This all occurred within a 3 year span. I did leave him and wen to a homeless shelter and began to take care of myself. He found me and stalked me. He talked to the people I worked with the get my phone number, etc. He even had his friends follow me around. I tried to allow him in my life thinking things could me platonic but he still treated me disrespectfully. When I could not take anymore, my new boyfriend, our new baby and my daughter moved to another state. My college-age daughter tells me that she has been communicating with her biological father. They have been communicating for 1 year. She tells me that he found her because she is all over the internet. I tried to explain that he only looked for after she was too old for him to be forced to pay child support.If he cared so much about her, he would have given me money when he was around instead of me being on welfare. My daughter says when he contacted her, he said i probably told her all sorts of negative things about him that are not true. I said, if he cared about you, he would not start out with a defense and blame. I asked my daughter if she remembered why we moved to another state. She said because of him. I asked why would she have a relationship with this person. She never answered. She questioned me about his remarks. I read her a letter I kept in the car that said if my body is found under suspicious circumstances, please look at this person and his family. I read to her court documents and other documents.
She and I no longer speak because of this. She wanted me to prove myself, she actually questioned me. I told her that her reaction is why abuse is not reported more often and she should probably do some reading and research on the matter. I have tried to explain to her that to choose to have someone in her life that deliberately treated me that way is insulting, hurtful, disloyal, and wrong. I explained that she has emotionally raped me, and now I am reliving all of those old feelings again.I explained that I never told her about the violence because it is not something that a child should know and that I wanted her to be a child for as long as possible. I thought if she knew her biological father was this way, she might wonder if she would be the same way because of genetics. My daughter has told me that he will always be a part of her life and that I am just trying to control and manipulate her.
I tried to turn the scenario around by reminding her that a boy bullied her brother for 5 years causing him to have an eating disorder, anxiety attacks, and poor self-esteem. I asked if it was okay if i decided to associate with that person. If i did, my son would feel betrayed, he would feel that I am okay with someone hurting him and I am okay with it then it must be okay to let people hurt him and then my son would grow up to not trust his own feelings. My son would grow up thinking I don't care about how he feels. Her response was yes, it is okay to associate with the person that bullied and told other children to beat on my son.
How can she not see that what she is doing on so many levels. How can I express to her how deeply I have been violated by her and that she has betrayed me. Please help.