My daughter is expecting a bi-racial child, how do I work through this?

G - posted on 10/02/2011 ( 118 moms have responded )

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My daughter is white, the child's father is black. While I don't consider myself racist, I am very dissapointed. I forsee many, MANY issues for both our family and the future of bi-racial children despite how commonplace everyone tells me it is. Of course I will love the child but I don't know how I will deal with his family or even my own as there are no bi-racial relationships, much less children, anywhere in my family, EVER. Are there any resources or forums that can help me through this?

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Iris - posted on 10/03/2011

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First you need to work on yourself. Reading through your posts only convinces me that you are going to be the biggest obstacle. You are the grandmother to be and all you have been showing us is how misinformed you are.

G STYLE - "I want my grandchild, and it is my first, not to be conflicted about whose culture or ethnicity they belong to. In a few generations, it may not matter but I know right NOW, it is still a racist society on many levels and this child will receive unwanted negative attention solely because of it's mixed status and that is a tragic handicap, the consequences of which aren't fully known yet as mixed race children become more common and grow up, they will be able to articulate how their racial makeup has affected them, or not."

Conflicted? Why would the child be conflicted? The baby has a mother and a father of two different races, why do you think it cannot relate and belong to both?

I have two biracial daughters (6 and 12) black/white and they have never had any identity crisis. Then again we have never referred to the extended family as "the black side and the white side", it's family, we all belong to both. What is important to us is that our girls are brought up with love, to have manners, respect and self confidence.
I have to say that the least of my worries has been about racism, it happens but not often enough for our lives to be effected by it. Our lives involve around school, sports and other everyday activities.

The more I read of your posts the more I shake my head. If it didn't have a date on it I would assume it was from the early 60's. All colored with doom and gloom that I've never experienced with my children.

"Receive unwanted negative attention because they are mixed is a tragic handicap??" Well I suppose with your outlook on it as the grandmother, it doesn't give her/him much chance to begin with. In my experience, most of the attention my girls get are very positive, so in no way are they "tragically handicapped". I'm not even sure if I should be offended or just laugh it off as complete ignorance.

Your daughter is pregnant. She'll be giving birth to a beautiful baby. You should be supporting her. Armed with proper social skills and loving family, he/she is going to become a happy well adjusted individual.

[deleted account]

Oh good grief! You can't figure out how to deal with it? Seriously?? Okay, I'll give you some of my background and maybe then you won't immediately dismiss me as being too young, naive/uneducated or not being empathetic.



I AM bi-racial. Half white and half Asian. My father is white and I was the first grandchild born into his family. How did my grandfather react? He was overjoyed about the grandchild bit, disappointed in the color bit. Why was he disappointed? Because all he could see was the "trouble" that I (read: HE) would have... he was a bigot. Oh, he had Italian, black, hispanic, etc friends... so surely HE, a well loved and respected man in the town, couldn't be, right? Nope, he was. If color and ethnicity bother you to the point that you cannot fully enjoy your grandchild and all you see are imagined "problems" for the child (in other words, you are projecting what you see to be YOUR problems onto said child)... I'm sorry, but that's bigotry.



Perhaps some see my life as being a struggle and unsuccessful. I have had struggles in my younger life, but have pulled through them relatively well. Heck, we all have problems in life, but our racial make up has very little bearing on it. I've had 2 fantastic careers, one allowed me to do what I love, travel. I have circumnavigated the globe too many times to count, lived on 5 continents, visited over 500 cities on the planet... but yeah, I was at a distinct disadvantage because of race I'm sure. Let's not forget, I'm in my 40s... not that much younger than you and I bet I've seen more and done more than you have in your slightly longer years in this world. I now live in a country I adore, halfway around the world from the small town of 1200 I grew up in.



But, I can empathise with you. Being bi-racial (black and white) can be a HUGE problem for a child's future. Look at what it's done to poor little Barack Obama. I know I'd hate to have been HIS beloved grandmother.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/02/2011

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Hear from my parents??? Are you kidding me?

Ok, so I am considered "white". My husband is Mexican. His father is straight from Mexico, and his mother is first generation. They were raised in Texas. I have a bi racial family. I have 2 bi racial children. I love my in laws, even though the culture is indeed different, I embrace it. I love learning about new cultures and heritages. I love my husband, so in turn I learn about his culture, and he does the same. We carry on Mexican traditions in our home, and my families Italian traditions. I cook Mexican food on a regular basis (my mother in law taught me traditional daily meals) I usually talk to her on the phone 2-3 times a week just to chat.

My children are happy, healthy and beautiful. They fit in anywhere because they are confident in their up bringing, and how much we love them. You my dear, are definitely a bit of a closet racist. Sorry, but that is true. You are so worried about what others will think.....who cares? Who even cares what YOUR misconceptions are. It really doesn't matter. What DOES matter, is how you treat that beautiful child. You get to know his family, you bring them into your home. You don't need to change your cultures because they are different, you just don't need to be scared of all the differences. Open your heart and mind....and really....grow up.

Tracie - posted on 10/03/2011

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I can see where this may present an issue for you. It seems obvious that you may NOT have many non white friends. The differences in people is in your head so you need to get over that. This mans family puts their pants on one leg at a time just like you do and chances are they may be THROWN by the baby announcement too. Believe me, I am an African American woman with 5 daughters, I was surprised when my oldest daughter came home with an african american young man. Talk to the young man and his family and if culture is an issue then learn it because you will ultimately have to respect it. The bottom line is for you and your husband to support your daughter and their new family. You will love your grandchild and all of this foolishness will be a thing of the past. Please note his family may feel the same way about your being white and I would still say the same thing. GET BUSY PLANNING A WONDERFUL BABY SHOWER!!!

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 10/02/2011

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okay My parents could have cared less what color my partner was as long as he treated me right, I will be honest and say at first my partners parents did not accept me, but with time and the birth of their Grandchild they have.



How do you deal with a bi-racial child..you love it!!! If anyone has anything negative to say you keep your distance, that baby is an extension of you and your parents, and so and so forth. If his family is giving you problems don’t associate with them if you can help it. Your daughters child is bi-racial..not half animal..treat the child as you do your other grandchildren if you have any.

There is a Bi-racial site you can join on here, but im not sure if it is what your looking for..I don’t think they have group on here called “Im going to be the Grandparent to a bi-racial child don’t know what to do with it!!” but you could start one.



And I will add there can and most often are (depending on what region you are in) many, many issues being bi-racial..just make sure you are not one them.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

118 Comments

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Erin - posted on 10/08/2011

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** Mod Notice **

Ok we've warned once and now we will be locking this thread.

Erin - Mod

[deleted account]

When I was growing up, my dad told me he didn't care what the man I brought home looked like...as long as he was a good man and treated me right. And we live in the south. The deep deep south. And he grew up before Civil Rights. Despite all this *somehow* he managed to realize that WHO the person is, is MUCH more important than what he looks like. I hope you manage to realize the same for your daughter's and grandchild's sake.

Tisa - posted on 10/07/2011

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G, I think you are being a bit pre-emptive on writing on this formum. First you should meet your daughters boyfriend and get to know him and his family. You are talking about Female circumcision but you havent even met him yet. Dont think about all the negatives. Meet him first. If you then have any further issues or questions ask him and your daughter (respectfully of course). If the answer they give doesnt sit well, then come on here and ask how someone would deal with that particualr problem. Its too broad to ask "how do I cope with this". As you can see the responses have been less than helpful in most cases. I am not agreeing with you that it should be an issue because, personally, I would not have a problem with it at all, but at the end of the day you need to make sure you enjoy your grandchild because who knows how long we all have left.

Sharlene - posted on 10/07/2011

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Hi there you should really look at yourself and say does he make my daughter HAPPY and if thats the case you should be greatful that your daughter has found a wonderful men and father for her child we live in 2011 NOT 1959 ANYMORE

Carmina - posted on 10/07/2011

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i cannot believe you are questioning this situation at all? i am australian, i look very europian but i am really from england when its traced back. my partner is a romanian gypsy. he is dark, and our son is olive skin. my partner does not completely know what nationality he is, none of his family does. they know they have serb, romanian, austrian, yugoslavia, german... all sorts of 'white' genes in them, but they are dark because their gypsys are originally indian! his family is mixed, some are white some are dark but they are all from the same village. they have copped racism their whole life for being 'gypsys' especially from us 'white' people. but his family were welcoming of myself, and mine also of him. our son is half gypsy half australian, it doesnt get much more random then that! this has never been an issue for us and i dont think it should be for you either. it should be an exciting time getting to know another race, we are all beautiful and can all be taught special things from one another!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/07/2011

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Sorry Janice, but that is the definition of a racist. I am glad your dad has tolerance for other races at least, but really. Just because some people are raised a certain way, does not mean we have to hold to those beliefs and carry on the same hatred.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/07/2011

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G Style, there is a no THUMPS policy in place. Please do not confuse someone moderating a thread with agreeing with what you say or "having your back" as you put it. Big ass difference.

Jane - posted on 10/07/2011

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G Style - I think life might be simpler if you don't try to justify your feelings, but simply go about accepting the changes in your life represented by your coming grandchild. Your age or our ages really aren't a factor. Your family's medical history isn't either. It is simply a new experience for you.

And while your black friends might also not have any current experience with biracial family members, most black people in America have a mixed race background of one sort or another if they have been here for several generations. Pretty much only most brand new African immigrants don't.

As to how to deal with his family, simply be polite, look for common interests, and enjoy the wider experience now open to you. After all, every family is a blend of family history and local traditions so no two families will do things exactly the same way. Thus, any set of in-laws will face the same challenges.

Iris - posted on 10/07/2011

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You know G Style, I actually did think you were trying to push forward. Some things you said still sat in the back of my mind though. Cultural differences? Is he an immigrant? Or his parents? Because otherwise black culture is not so different from white. If she was with a white guy from the "Upper East side of NY" would you be so worried? Because that culture would be a lot more different than what she is facing right now. Like you said, she has gone to school with these kids and basically brought up with them...

Heather said, her husbands family has greens, her family has mashed potatoes at Thanks Giving. In my house we have both after we started celebrating at home.

Btw, I love greens!



Before, you compared biracial kids with "tragically handicapped", now you compare them with cancer! Not very positive.

I really want you to feel accepting about this progress in you daughters live. The problem is, as offended as your words are to me and mine, I don't even want to think how they would feel for your daughter and her family.

Yes, I applaud you for being open, but you are not willing to listen. After hearing your "list" about differences in races (nothing on that list fits ANY of my black friends), and the comparisons you use, in my book you are a "closet racist". You don't want to admit it and I can understand that, but reading over your posts it's obvious.

Heather - posted on 10/07/2011

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oh and by the way.... i am also the first of my family, including extended to have a baby with a black man..i guess some are just more in tune with reality of the 20th century than others.

Heather - posted on 10/07/2011

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to even think to compare such a thing as a biracial couple to cancer is ridiculous. my parents are in their early 50's. i dont think your age is an excuse for this. apparently you were just brought up around ignorance. im sure that you are not fully just one nationality. im not to understanding what the difference is with a "white" / "black" baby as opposed to if it was an italian/irish baby? everyone comes from different backrounds, and our lifestyles would be different if we were raised in those countries, but fortunatly we are all molded to american ways. honestly the only difference with my family and his is thanksgiving they eat greens and we eat mashed potatoes. lol, sounds funny...but its true. so "cultural" differences is not an excuse. if he treats your daughter right and is going to be there for her and their baby, you have no choice but to be happy for them. and if he does leave...please do not blame it on his skin color, or as youd say his cultural beliefs. there are just as many neglectful white men as there are black.

G - posted on 10/07/2011

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@ Tiffany, I do know about the hair issues, LOL. I have many black friends, that's how I got my "name" G Style! None of my black friends however have any bi-racial relationships, children or relatives. They are supportive, of course, but they have no experience on their side of the fence either.

G - posted on 10/07/2011

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@ Heather, I'm sorry you feel the need to be so judgemental when you don't even know me or my background. I'm glad your parents were 100% accepting of your situation, maybe they are younger and their background and experiences are different than mine. I don't feel a need to be apolgetic just because I have never been a part of a bi-racial situation before, it's completely uncharted territory for me just as it would be if it were cancer, I don't have cancer, no one in my family has had cancer, none of my friends have had cancer (thank you Jesus) how to react to a diagnosis of cancer would be a shock to my system. Being common to others gives ME no personal frame of reference or context, that is just the honest truth.

Tiffany - posted on 10/07/2011

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There are a million answers to this concern. I will tell you I am a 28 r. old black mom and I don't understand the issue really. If I were you the only concern I would have to to make sure that baby's hair looks nice. One thing that I have come to realize is that Black people in general have no choice but to know the "white-way" of doing things because we have no choice. So because you haven't had the experience with Black people on a personal level you are having anxiety because you think that there is a difference. There isn't really EXCEPT how to do their hair!!!....please don't have that child looking crazy...take them to the shop if you have to!!....good luck

Rachel - posted on 10/07/2011

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YOu seem to really want to be okay and are trying to be supportive of your daughter. If the father of this baby is good to your daughter and is going to be a good father to the child. Then focus on that. Good luck to you and your daughter and her partner and especially to that sweet like baby.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/07/2011

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G style, just treat the family like you treated your husband's when you met them the first time.

G - posted on 10/07/2011

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Thank you all, Krista for having my back and especially Janice, I think you hit the nail on the head about "mourning" that ideal of what I thought my grandchildren would be like. That makes perfect sense. I have let a few friends and co-workers in on the pregnancy, I did not say anything about the father's race but if I am asked, I will not deny it just as I don't make a point of telling people "Hey, I had three kids and wasn't married!" but if asked, I don't deny it and I tell them the truth. Again, opinions don't define who and what I/we are, everyone has them, some are more vocal, some more subverted, I pray to God for wisdom and guidance so I can be the kind of influence and impact on my grandchildren mine were on me, they left me a legacy of memories and emotions that still bring me to tears even though they've all been gone for some time.Thank you all again for the information and encouragement.

Heather - posted on 10/07/2011

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I feel sorry for your daughter for having such an uneducated mother. America is a huge mealting pot. I am white myself and my sons father is black. My family was one hundred percent accepting of this, just as any parent should be. If you were a good mother yourself you would trust that your daughter makes good choices. If you feel any different, then you should reconsider yourself as a parent. This is a horrible question for any parent to ask and you should be ashamed of yourself!!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/06/2011

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I agree the name calling was uncalled for. We're all adults on here we shouldn't be acting like children.

Tracie - posted on 10/06/2011

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Thanks Krista, I found the attacks and name calling towards G quite insulting and immature. G's question was honest and heart felt and deserved to be answered with mature dialog and respect.

Janice - posted on 10/06/2011

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If you were raised anything like my father, than you have a deeply seeded idea that because this other family is black they have different values than you. Not that they are bad, just different. My father used to tell my sister and I all the time we could be friends with whoever but couldn't date outside our race. He is not a mean racist person its just how he was raised.



Honestly, just keep an open mind. You may not be all that different. And even if you are that wont neccessarily be a bad thing. It is true that being bi-racial at this point in time is not that big of a deal. Go ahead, mourn your old ideas of your future grandchild and then move on and celebrate the actual grandchild.

Krista - posted on 10/06/2011

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Ladies, cool it on the personal attacks. I have had to delete a couple of nasty comments, and would prefer to not have to do it again.

Thanks,
Krista
WTCOM Moderator

G - posted on 10/06/2011

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Thank you RaMona! It's really not so different in some ways than my nephew's gay father. My sister could not change the fact her son's father was gay, couldn't keep people from asking questions or making rude comments, I know that hurt her heart not being able to protect him from that. He grew up just fine, has always had a good relationship with his dad and just became a parent himself six months ago. Growing up is already so hard, I just hate to think this will make it harder. Thank you for the links, I will check them out!

RaMona - posted on 10/06/2011

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Please excuse the misspelled words..posting from a cellphone is not easy! Lol... I also wanted to share the following site: mixedfolks.com and angelfire.com. You can also find some support sites online as well. Once again ma'am, my hat goes off to you because in your being honest you put yourself in a bad place. I truly encourage you to continue to ask because silence breeds ignorance... Much Love.

RaMona - posted on 10/06/2011

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The problem with this whole "biracial" issue is that people only consider a child biracial if there is a black parent & a white parent. I understand your apprehension to a point. But trust me once you see your grandchild all of your fears of the unknown will go out the window. I don't want you to have the misconception that HIS family is not thinking the same thing about YOU. At the end of the day, you have to do what is in the best interest of your unborn grandchild. Get to know the family of the father but just remember both sides have to respect the parents of this child. Biracial children don't have problems, it's the work that they are born into. Just think: if we were not meant to reproduce, God would have made us as different as cats & dogs... We are all the same race HUMAN. Honestly, it's the fear of the unknown & ignorance that make everome's life hard. Just love that little baby like you've never loved before & I promise you things will be ok. I commend you for being so open & honest. I also challenge you to get to know some black families (if you don't already) we are not all what you see on tv... Lol!!! Good luck with everything !

Constance - posted on 10/06/2011

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For the record one of my sons is half white and half black. I didn't give birth to him but he is still my son just the same. My step father is not allowed around any of my chilren because of the way he treats my 12 yr old son. This will happen to you too if you don't look past skin color.

Constance - posted on 10/06/2011

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I understand tha this is something ew to you but this is your grandchild and daughter. These are the things you need to worry about. Does he treat her well? Does he love her? Is he polite to you? That is what is important not the color of his skin. If you can't see past his skin color then you will ever be able to see past your grandchilds skin color.

As for family members you need to worry about your daughter and grandchild and defend thm if someone has anything to say about it. Treat him with respect an he will return it. Look past his race your daughter did and if you raised her to make good decisions then you know she would never pick someone that is bad for her.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/05/2011

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I'm glad you found some peace with yourself. Admittedly I don't think my parents are that ok with my hubby's atheism even though he treats both of our girls wonderfully and is a great step dad to my older girl.

I believe the thing that threw me off was the phrase "dissapointed" and seeing that there would be issues. But hopefully now you've seen that even people around your age have had to deal with things like inter-racial couples and such.

Anna - posted on 10/05/2011

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G Style, I think what myself and other people have been trying to drive home is that the issue for you doesn't seem to be what other people might think, it's what YOU think. Your discomfort isn't externally driven so much as internally produced, so my statement to ignore the outside world (because other people's opinions are only ever opinions, not facts) stands. I do hope you continue reconciling yourself with your grandchild's existence.

Stifler's - posted on 10/05/2011

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Feen makes a good point. We're all bi racial anyways especially if we're white.

Charlie - posted on 10/05/2011

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Im glad your finding peace with it, you know your grandchild is in the majority, that being majority of the world is bi-racial and the bi- racial population is growing rapidly.

When you are comfortable why not invite your daughters family over for dinner or just a get together.

Racism does indeed exist but it doesnt need to exist amongst loved ones or in a normal community and as a bi racial child ( I am dark ) in a relationship with a caucasian man I can tell you my parents and grandparents raised me to be strong, confident and proud of all aspects of my heritage and culture, they showed me how division was not an issue.

My parents also travelled a lot with me overseas, we lived in countries and emersed ourselves in cultures that are not even in our blood this is one of the greatest educational moments I ever experienced.

What am I happy for? my children are gorgeous, they have the most beautiful mix of us both, they have the best of both of our worlds, they experience culture beyond the one they were born in, they will have broader horizons because of this and will appreaciate humans as human and not seclude people because of differences, it is my hope that like my parents and grandparents I will be able to lead by example and teach them to embrace our cultural difference and not fear it because fear creates intolerence and reguardless of what other intolerent minorities do and think I know I will not be part of the problem.

G - posted on 10/05/2011

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As you can see when you are in this conversation, the sidebar has other questions / commenters about bi-racial issues, to deny there ARE issues with being bi-racial is absurd and singling me out like I am the last white person in the world to have mixed feelings about this is equally absurd. I appreciate the informative feedback from those of you who have been or are in situations involving bi-racial families, that is helpful. I am more at peace with this today than I was a few days ago and I expect over the course of the next seven months I will be even better. It will not be an easy journey, I feel I will always have to be on the defensive for those who are truly intolerant, one of which I am not. I am glad my daughter's peers will not ostracize her as mine would have done back in the day, thank God. No, I can not see the world as my daughter sees / will see it as she/they raise this child, perhaps that is why she is not fazed at all. If I were the racist I am being made out to be, my children would surely have the same views because I raised them in the stereotypical white-is-right fashion. right? Wrong. Any time my children asked my views on inter-racial dating / marriage, my concern was always only about how any children would be affected because I know racism exists. My children asked me honestly and I answered honestly, no, I would likely not be attracted to anyone outside my race because that's just the culture I was raised in. If the world is so much more progressive and open-minded than I am seeing, that will be a blessing.

Krista - posted on 10/05/2011

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The thing is, G Style, you are assuming that there is this HUGE cultural divide between white and black.

And that's not necessarily the case.

Culturally, I have more in common with some black people than I do with some white people, with regards to where we grew up, our educational experiences, what particular cultural entertainments we enjoy, etc.

And there are some white people with whom I have NOTHING in common, other than our skin colour.

So my advice to you still stands. Stop looking for the differences. Stop worrying about the differences. Look for what your daughter and this man have in common. Look at how your grandchild will truly be able to forge her own path, because she won't be expected to fit solely in with "white culture" or "black culture".

In other words, my advice to you still stands. Be the solution, don't be the problem.

Amanda - posted on 10/05/2011

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It is true that white people and black people are equals. But it is also true that every race - including Mexican, Hispanic, East Indian, etc. - have different customs, or ways of celebrating holidays, or ways of spending time with family. It's what makes us who we are.
I do understand what most everyone else is saying here, that "it's not a big deal, get over it". But I also understand your reservations, G Style. It has nothing to do with the color of his skin. It's about his background, how his family relates to one another, how they act when they're all together.
But not every family within a race does things the same. Think of your own family and another white family. You each buy groceries, cook, clean, go to work, and drink coffee. What makes you different is WHICH groceries your buy, WHAT you cook, HOW you clean, WHERE you work, and WHAT you like in your coffee.
I have a white friend that married a black man. I was admittedly a little weirded-out, you could say, but only because I didn't know what his background was. If he was white, I could guess; I would compare him to my husband. If he was Chinese, I would have no reference point, cause I know absolutely zero about Chinese culture/customs/language. So I wouldn't have a clue how to relate to him. Because he's actually black, and I know nothing about being black, I didn't really know what to expect. Now that I've learned a little more about him, we're actually good friends.
G Style, I commend you for putting this topic up here, for laying it all out. I ask you to just keep an open mind and try not to jump to conclusions (cause I did at first, it didn't go very well). And, no matter what, love your daughter, love the baby, and be proud of this man for loving both of them, too.
God bless!

Charlie - posted on 10/05/2011

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" People of all colors in my generation have perspectives based on how they grew up and their life experiences, that's not something you can change or go back and undo."

Yes you can and yes people have. How do you think the world has got to the point where you concerns are are no longer a major issue.

Everyone has the ability to adapt and find acceptance in cultural difference it is about expanding your mind.

Culture is very much a part of race it is true but it is the differences in culture that make for a beautiful world, the concern is yours this is about you finding it within you to WANT to find acceptance.

Perhaps try emersing yourself into some of their cultural differences to get a better perspective.

Is there something in particular that you are concerned about? parenting differences , food , religion , traditions ?

You cannot seperate a culture from it's race they co-exisit you will find for them there is no "crossing of the cultural divide" it is simply being a part of the great melting pot, it is your daughter her partner and your grandaughter who are very much apart of something amazing the unity of humans as humans and not the "divide" that has been created in the minds of those who do not wish accept we are all the same reguardless of cultural practices.

G - posted on 10/05/2011

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And you are an atrocious speller Sam, what does that say about you, would you like to hear my opinion on that? I'm trying to be civil here because as I've stated before, you nor anyone else here know me personally yet everyone feels free to be judgemental,opinionated, and highly intolerant of differing views, the very things I am said to espouse in my question and comments. I could understand some backlash if I posted demeaning and derogatory comments but I have not. Moving on>>>>>>

Sam - posted on 10/05/2011

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Cultural divide there isn't one! The baby will do the same things a white baby does

G - posted on 10/05/2011

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Sam, I'm not sure why you are on a Mom's (read women's) forum....This is not racial, this is cultural. I think if I were not white and the father not black, the response would not be the same. Because of the history between whites and blacks, the assumption is I am being racist because I am white. What if I had said my daughter was going to give birth to a handicapped child and I wanted to know how others had worked through this process, I'm sure the number of supportive and positive comments would outnumber the negative ones. This has absolutely nothing to do with love for my daughter or her child, they have that unconditionally, this is about how to cross the cultural divide, not a racial one.

Sam - posted on 10/05/2011

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Omg how is that a situation?? If u opened ur eyes an looked around u'd c. A lot of mixed race children, an the issue of where they belong what does that even mean? I can't believe people in this day n age still hav a race issue its pathetic! Ur daughter shud tek the child away from u before its born , he/she won't nEed small minded people like u tryin 2 giv he/she a complex!! Shockin

Sam - posted on 10/05/2011

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Omg how is that a situation?? If u opened ur eyes an looked around u'd c. A lot of mixed race children, an the issue of where they belong what does that even mean? I can't believe people in this day n age still hav a race issue its pathetic! Ur daughter shud tek the child away from u before its born , he/she won't nEed small minded people like u tryin 2 giv he/she a complex!! Shockin

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/05/2011

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G using the era you grew up in is an excuse. I've stated a few times that my parents are older than you. Heck I have an aunt who could be a great grandma sometime and she has a son in law who's Indian as in from India and she thinks nothing of it.

Honestly if it was a difference of religions, yes I'd still call you out on it. I have a friend whose mom is Jewish and whose father is some kind of Catholic- she's my age. Hell my mom's father was Presbytarian but converted to Catholicism to marry my grandma. Oh and I took care of a man who is Muslim and his wife is Christian. By the way. they're a bi-racial couple.

I find worrying about your differences when all it is is skin colour or some minor cultural differences to be malarky. That's intellectually speaking, it's malarky. All you need to do is sit down and learn.

I have never called you racist, I have never been posting just to call you racist. I have simply been telling you how it's been in my family. Yes I know people have dealt with things in their lives growing up. I dealt with bullying, you can't tell me that won't affect someone and you can't remove that from your upbringing.

I know how it is to be a child in a large family who feels like her grandma doesn't accept her because I'm adopted and my dad's mom (may she rest in peace) never really went out of her way to make my brother or I feel accepted into her family because we weren't her biological grandchildren and she had 17 other grandchildren who were. I wouldn't want another child to go through that.

G - posted on 10/05/2011

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I also have not used my age as an excuse, understanding the generation and era I grew up in shapes/shaped my perspective, not just because I am white. People of all colors in my generation have perspectives based on how they grew up and their life experiences, that's not something you can change or go back and undo. If it was a matter of differing religions, would you be so quick to call me out? I don't think so. I haven't criticized or condemned a single post or poster for their views because I respect your right to your own views. If I don't agree with your views, that doesn't make either of us more right or more wrong than the other. This is an emotional topic, but if your only purpose in posting is to tell me how racist or ageist you think I am, that isn't helping. I haven't made any judgements about anyone who has posted a response and I think it's only fair to ask that in return. It's easy to be emotional about this, what are your intellectual views?

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/05/2011

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G style, I'm not sure I get how black culture and white culture are completely different when both live in the same country and have for a number of years. My SIL is bi-racial and she was raised about the same as my white (well except for the 1/7 Cree) husband with a divorced family in the suburbs.

My parents are 60 and 58 respectively. They grew up in a predominantly black/minority neighbourhood in our home city and both had many black friends. Those black friends celebrated the same holidays the same way they do.

Right now I live in Canada, that's a culture shock. They celebrate Thanksgiving in October and have different names for different things.

You're whole thing on cultures who practice female circumsicion. That wouldn't be considered racist and as far as I know that isn't done by anyone here in North America.

You did disreguard younger mom's opinions because you don't feel that anyone younger than you has had any experiances like yours. You do know that abortion is still taboo right? A friend of mine had one and she's 2 years older than me. I don't discriminate against her for that. I believe the biggest issue I had is that you were using your age as a reason to have these issues and I don't believe that is always the case. My grandma is 90 and she loves my SIL and her great grandson the same as she loved my brother and I even though we're adopted. The same with a cousin of mine, her son is bi-racial and she had him when she was still in high school. Her parents helped out and didn't treat her son differently.

White men up and dissapear on women they get pregnant just as much as men of other races. My ex is white and he left me for another woman when I was very sick and our daughter was only 6 months old.

It's not about race or culture, it's about how you were raised.

Carolee - posted on 10/05/2011

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(This is copy/pasted from my original response.)

Regarding the cultural differences.

It's not your problem. It is THEIR child, and THEY will raise THEIR child how THEY see fit. Your only concern should be to love and accept this child.

(I would like to add)
I have had to tell my own mother to butt out of how I raise my kids. It's MY decision, whether she agrees with it or not. Regardless of whether or not you agree with certain aspects of any culture, it is not your place to teach what you do not know. All you can do is be the best Grandmother you can be.

My mother didn't understand why I still wanted to celebrate Dia De Los Muertos with my son because "we just had Halloween". It wasn't her job to understand. It was her job to ask my son if he had a good time at the festivities, though... and she did. If any of the cultural rituals your daughter wants to do with your grandchild involves body mutilation, then you talk to your daughter about it. If it's going to harm the child (serious harm, not something stupid like ear piercing), then you call the authorities.

You've raised your child. Trust that you did a good enough job that she will be able to raise hers.

G - posted on 10/05/2011

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You know, not once did I ever say I was ashamed or would be ashamed of this child. I was asked a question by Nubian Queen as to what my cultural difference concerns were and I responded honestly. No one has to agree with me and to state that you don't agree with me or my perspective is perfectly fine. Of course, racism, real or perceived, is a hot-button topic on which people have felt free to slam me on. As long as I treat everyone with dignity and respect, equally, nothing says I have to like your culture and there is nothing racist about that. I don't discriminate against people, I treat everyone as I would like to be treated, that's just basic human respect and dignity everyone should receive. Cultures that practice female circumscision for example, if my grandchild was a female and her father's culture believed in that practice which I would strongly object to as I believe most would, does that make me racist because I don't like that CULTURAL practice, regardless of skin color? No, it does not. Black CULTURE and White CULTURE are different, it is those CULTURAL differences I am asking for advice on how to deal with. The focus on most of these responses are based on RACE difference, not CULTURAL difference. Yes, I do worry that skin color will cause the child to received unwanted, unwarranted, negative attention. I notice and I assume others do too, some go so far as to stare or even make comments, why would I be wrong for wanting to protect a child, and my daughter, from that? No one should be disrespectful of another culture but not agreeing with everything that culture practices or believes is ~not~ racist. If the races were reversed and I had the same question, would you be so quick to judge? I lived through my own form of bias, I guess you'd say, because three of my four kids were born out of wedlock, a HUGE tabboo for people my age. My mother and grandparents were very upset but my husband (though not legally but for all intents and purposes) and I have been together for over 25 years. My how things have changed since then, out-of-wedlock pregnancies get barely a glance now and I am sure eventually it will be that way with mixed-race children but that doesn't keep grandparents on both sides from having concerns. If this young man's mother expresses cultural concerns too, does that make her racist too or am I the only one that would be considered "racist" because I am white? Again, no. I'm sorry my posts have created so much controversy, I thought I would see more respectful disagreement and perhaps ways mothers of bi-racial children helped both cultures understand each other and how they resolved any issues with the grandparents or other family members.

Candice - posted on 10/05/2011

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Age is no excuse. One of my favorite teachers in high school was 75 when I was a freshman and he was an awesome primary source for history. Mr. Rogers is from New York, when WWII hit he eventually went into the military. It was a lot to adapt to on many levels. Most shocking for him was racism. He grew up alongside black,white,asian,and hispanic people without batting an eye. Suddenly in the military he and his black friends were separated and his friends had lower rank and he got an earful of smarmy racist bullshit from his "comrades".
He was a self proclaimed old fart by the time I met him. So age is no excuse.
He was in the South Pacific and Japan, he carries no ill will toward those people. I should also point out instead of knowing another euro-language, his foreign language is Swahili.
Racism is a hot button issue for me. My idiot parents used, the times and whatnot as an excuse for ignorance and hatred, even though they were born during the Civil Rights movement,but were school age after it took effect.
Embrace differences and take time to get to know people. Who cares if they are brown,fat,ugly,sexy,or anything else for that matter?

Emilie - posted on 10/05/2011

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As long as he is good to her and they both are good to the child and raise her right what does the color of the skin matter.

Sal - posted on 10/05/2011

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My sis is married to an indian her kids are beautiful the culture causes some strain at times but never the colour

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