my daughter is nearing her 16th birthday,and so disrespectful

Laura - posted on 01/02/2011

Some of her behavior sounds quite common for teens as she attempts to gain independence from you, her parent. It also sounds like this behavior is fairly recent, which means that she may be simply testing boundaries with you as a start to see what you will let her get away with. It is far easier to distance oneself from another person if you are "angry" at said person. Your daughter's "anger" at you is the excuse she is using to create situations where she can justify separating from you. Teens are most likely to resort to these types of behaviors if they feel like they are being treated as a child (which might explain the outburst over the "parental controls" on the phone) rather than as an adult. Treating them as adults can be hard to do when teens act rudely though!

That being said, it does not excuse rude or disrespectful behavior! You are correct in that her behavior is inappropriate and it needs to be addressed openly and honestly immediately. Afterall, we as parents, wouldn't tolerate that type of rude behavior from another adult so now is a good time to go over behavioral expectations from her. Let her know that rude, disrespectful behavior will NOT be tolerated and that there will be consequences (no cell phone, for example) if she chooses to behave inappropriately. Be firm with your expectations and consistent with any follow through!

When you talk to her about your behavioral expectations, use the opportunity to talk about "house rules" that you have, too. Except for rules that pertain to her safety, consider using this time to negotiate changes that better reflect her growth and maturity. Examples would be things like bedtimes, curfews (that comply with local laws!), chores, allowance (assuming she gets one), etc. By involving her in the discussion and crafting of updated house rules, she will more likely follow them because of "buy in". Buy in comes from her active participation in the rule-making process. With these changes you'll need to cover consequences (punishments) for breaking the rules, too. It can help, too, to write these changes down, even going so far as to sign them as one might a contract. All of these things help to create new boundaries for your daughter, hopefully expanding enough to give her more "freedoms" while still providing needed structure.

Finally, if you try these suggestions and her behavior doesn't improve or gets worse, you can always consider seeking professional help. A therapist trained in adolescent behavior can teach her appropriate coping skills for her emotions and behavior. Your family doctor can give you a referal or you can contact your local hospital or mental health facility. Hope this helps and good luck!

Nikki - posted on 01/02/2011

I agree with the other ladies, she needs some consequences and strong boundaries. Discuss the rules with her and the consequences for breaking them, then be strong and consistent. No matter how much she fights you stick to your guns. Good luck.

Medic - posted on 01/02/2011

All she has to have is food, shelter, water, clothing and love...everything else is a privilege she is lucky enough you can provide for her....and just as easy as you can give you can take away. Make her earn what is not a necessity.

Jodi - posted on 01/02/2011

Her TV? Her phone? Take them away until she can show that she is grown up enough to have them. And grown up includes respect of others. These things are privileges which should be earned. They aren't rights. Tell her she can have them back when she starts showing some respect and keeps it that way.