My ex husbands wife crazy? I need HELP

Alaina - posted on 07/09/2012 ( 257 moms have responded )

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My ex husbands wife gets my step daughter most of the time. We have a weird schedule due to what she wants and it isnt fair at all if you ask me but we have been having a lot of issues and i just dont know how to deal with some of them so i need help from some mommies. We get my stepdaughter one night a week and every other weekend and when its not our weekend we only get her 2 nights per week. So the weekends that we dont have her we go 6 days without seeing her. However, we cant seem to let her let us have her another night during the week when its is our weekend because she thinks its not consistent for the child. So our weekend rolls around and she will call everyday until my step daughter is back with her. She will call non stop until we answer or text repeatably until she is able to talk to her. Do you think this is a little obbessive? I want to spend value time with my step daughter and i just feel like she buts in all the time and cant go 2 days without seeing her or talking to her but we dont bother her when she is with her mother? I need help!

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Nora - posted on 07/10/2012

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I'm my situation, *I* am the supposedly "crazy biological mother" because I demanded the right to speak to my children, know where they are and what is going on. First and foremost, mothers carry and give birth to, usually breastfeed and give every moment to thinking about our children -- ESPECIALLY when they are somewhere else. When you have a child of your own, I assure you, you won't consider the mother crazy anymore. Particularly if you end up divorced and your child is over at someone else's home with another woman acting in a parental position.

Due to custodial issues and my ex-husband refusing to play by the rules, I was forced to take my situation to court -- and believe me, judges do NOT like step-parents complaining about a biological mother's actions when those actions are not only her right, but expected of a parent.

I'm sure it annoys you -- don't think I don't understand your position -- but make sure to think about the mother's position as well. What is difficult and annoying for you may be absolutely terrifying to the biological mother.

...and for the record, my ex-husband's new wife called me "crazy" in court and it did NOT go over well with the judge. Be very careful how you refer to the ex... By calling her crazy, you could be potentially setting yourself up for BIG problems. In most custodial agreements, there are restrictions made about the way we talk about our ex's. If you speak poorly of the ex-wife/bio mom here, no one is going to be willing to believe you don't say things about her in front of the child. Your husband could end up losing some custodial rights or even landing himself with supervised visitation if the judge doesn't feel that you can control yourself around the child. While step-parents may not have rights, the biological parent IS held responsible for the actions or comments of the spouse.

Please don't consider this "coming down on you", but more of a warning so you don't make any mistakes. Just always respect the biological mother and remember that no matter how long you are married to the father, the mother will always come first. The kinder you are to the biological mother (and her to you as well!!!) the happier and healthier the children will be.

P.S. If you need to make changes to the custodial agreement, the sooner the better. I tried to play nice with my ex-husband for ten years, and because I waited so long, the result is that my children are suffering a lot more than they needed to. If you can't work it out, don't argue, just get a lawyer. Sometimes custodial periods can't be worked out -- but don't make the mistake of playing by someone else's rules if those rules are in fact unfair or illegal. Get a judge to lay out a fair schedule that works for both of you. :)

Blessings!

Cindy - posted on 07/10/2012

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She has no reason to call. She may miss her child and/or be concerned, but she needs to deal with it. The child is with her father and that's his time and she needs to butt out.

Brittany - posted on 07/10/2012

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Even if there isn't a court order, the father obviously agreed to the current situation - if not, he would have brought it to court. With this agreement between the two parents, no court order is needed for her to say no. She is day to day custodian, and whether the little girl goes out of her way to call her mom or not, has no bearing on whether the mother calls to check in. Part of my court order with my sons father, is that he has to answer the phone.. now, mind you he is on supervised access so it is a different situation - but I would never be ok with someone telling me I shouldn't check in on my child.

I really think your being a little hard on her by calling her crazy, she loves her daughter and maybe if you and her don't know each other, she may be concerned - whether the concern is biased based on the fact she doesn't know you - doesn't matter really, its her child - and if she wants to know whats going on.. she should.

I sincerley understand you and her father wanting more time with her, this is a real concern, address it the way it should be - thru the courts, if you can't get the mother to agree. You two deserve time with her as well, but no matter where the little girl is - she has a full time bio mom who is wondering about her, and you both will forever have to deal with her. Play nice, answer the phone, deal with her concerns. And really she should do the same for the father when he calls to check in. I really don't think the phone calls are worth the battle asking her not to call could start.

I have 2 step children who live with me, they also have another step mother - as my boyfriend was married for 10 years to her. She is not the bio mom, but she still calls almost daily to check in on what were her step children for over 10 years, although I find it a little uncomfortable that she judges my household, she loves the children.. and they deserve that relationship - the 10 mins on the phone shouldn't jeprodize your time with your step daughter.. take it in stride, and continue on with your day --

Brittany - posted on 07/09/2012

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I don't let my son go to his grandfathers, fathers, friends, aunts, uncles ect. without checking in daily. If my call was to go unanswered, I would flip my lid.

I don't find it crazy that she sticks to the court agreement.. nor do I find it crazy that she calls to check in. If you and the father think that you need her for a longer period - which I also don't find crazy ;) set up a court date and request more time. But don't be surprised when she calls to check in.. lol

Missie - posted on 07/13/2012

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You need to remove yourself from the middle of this. Your husband's daughter is coming to see him and not you. While you may have affection for the child, you have absolutely nothing to do with this, and the best thing that you should do is support your husband and stay out of it. Think about it-if he had to be out of town, would his daughter come to see you? No. So just remember that your only job is to support the man you love and other than that, stay out of it.

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User - posted on 04/16/2013

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One of the crappy things about divorce with kids is that new parents come into the picture eventually. It's a hard thing to accept, but since Mom and Dad broke up, that means that Step-Mom and Step-Dad are going to come into the picture eventually as well, and they have a MORAL RIGHT to have a relationship with the kids, too.

Read "Divorce Poison." It'll help explain some of the games that high-conflict bio parents sometimes try and play, and how to combat them.

I do think that the bio-mom in this case is being a major buttinsky. Not ok. Also, any reasonable person would interpret constant phone calls and texts as harassment.

Remind your husband that HE HAS RIGHTS. He can get a court order, if he doesn't already have one, that gives him more regular, uninterrupted, parenting time with his daughter. He NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER has to do "what his ex-wife wants." EVER. He has to do what the court-orders say, and nothing more, unless he feels like it.

I missed how old your step-daughter is, but depending on her age, in order to gain a little more peace at your house, you could tell her she doesn't get to use her cell phone or any internet device at your house. That could cut down on the unnecessary contact.

It's hard being the steppie, and seeing a kid with problems, and not being able to do much to help out. Talk to your husband about your role, and what the boundaries are with you and your step daughter as far as discipline, relations with her mom, etc. That'll give you a base to start from.

Julia - posted on 04/05/2013

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PS Shell Bell step moms don't do all the same things as real moms. THEY DON'T GIVE BIRTH YO YHE KID! Key thing. Also they frequently show up when the kid is older and were not there in the formative years. Additionally if they and the father divorce (and second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages) they are usually out of the kids life. So no they are nothing like real moms. My sons God mother cooks, cleans, kisses boo boos etc. she would never suggest she was my child's mother because she acts as a relief pitcher a couple days a week. That is ridiculous. .

Julia - posted on 04/05/2013

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Christina, sorry but the bible got left out of it when he split with his first wife. In fact unless the first marriage was annulled this step mom is really just a mistress in the eyes of God.. If you want to play the God card. As a Christian woman second wives and fathers who play the God card really irk me. Sorry but if mom has the child most of the time in all likeness she has the best interest at heart. If you want to refer to your bible on the issue see the story of the two women one whose baby dies and in the night she switches her dead baby with another woman's live baby. When they go to Solomon and he says to cut the live baby in two the real mother says no and is willing to give the baby up. The imposter mother says to go ahead cut the baby in half. I see a lot of step mothers who look a lot like the imposter mother. I also see a lot of cases where step mothers committed adultery with the husband and now want to play house with another woman's children. Yes I get the say because I am the REAL mother.

Cristina - posted on 01/15/2013

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Does everyone seem to forget that: 1. It is NOT the mother's way or the highway anymore; 2. She is MARRIED to the husband, so that makes them ONE (read your Bible, people), so therefore the step-mom can act on behalf of the dad, her husband.

PS: As a step-mom, it's "damned if you do, damned if you don't", so do whatever you want, really. Let your husband handle this, it's really not your kid. Calling the mother crazy is not a fair thing because none of us are psychiatrists here, but calling her behavior crazy is fair game ;)

Janessa - posted on 01/08/2013

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As a mother it would be really hard to have to share my kids with anyone else like that. I'm sure it is hard for you because you want to get to know her better, but it would absolutely break my heart to have to send them away even as frequently as that. I am so grateful I don't have to. If you are more understanding towards her, she may be more willing to let you see her more. It has to be heartbreaking for her to be in that situation. I'm not saying it isn't for the better or anything, I am only saying it probably causes her pain. Good-luck with everything

Shell - posted on 01/03/2013

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Uhm.... The BM gets enough time with her child. The DAD AND STEP MOM deserve some time. QUIET time with their child also. They aren't pestering the BM 10 times a day when the child is with her. Get over it.

Alaina Hunt YOU ARE SO NOT WRONG. The woman is obsessive. I would not tolerate that in our home.

Sorry Vanessa, but get over it. We have a life (family) with our step kids too and you don't get to dictate in our HOMES!

Y do all BM seem to think they are soooo much better than step MOMS!!??? I don't get it! Because some AREN'T and regardless.... a STEP mom does all the same stuff that a BM does.... including laundry, cooking, kissing boo-boos, nail clipping, cleaning puke, unclogging the toilet, bath ... need I go oN????? Geez. BM's GET OVER IT!!!

Vanessa - posted on 01/03/2013

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First of all, your the step mother? Correct? I don't know who the heck you think you are by saying this mother calls her child to "check in" way to much. This mother is obviously concerned about her child, and wants to check in whenever she wants to. I am sorry for being so critical BUT, I do this to my daughter all the time and she's now 14. I know IF I had a step mom like you trying to BUTT in I would seriously give you a little bit of a reality check thru my attorney. YOU have NO say so on how much the child talks to her mother!!! SORRY!!!

Nancy - posted on 01/03/2013

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She needs to quit being so insecure.When your stepdaughter is with you then thats your time.If the girl wants to call her mother,than you could do that.It's kind of ridiculous that she just has to call constantly.Use your caller i.d. and start monitoring the calls if you have to.She needs to let you guys have your time with you.It almost seems as though she's jealous of you.

Julia - posted on 01/01/2013

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OK, I'm sure you love your step daughter and all but the reality is she is there to visit her dad. You can play a role in her life and all but the the primary reason for the visit is quality time with dad. If you and her dad were ever to separate you would be unlikely to see the child again, maybe you are the exception but who knows because it hasn't happened yet; second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. My dad and step mom divorced and I saw the woman once by chance meeting after that (she had been my step mother for 12 years). Mom sounds to be the primary care giver so it isn't unusual for her to want to talk to her child daily. Consider setting a check in time, maybe start with 2 and back down to one. Make it first thing in the am and then at a time you would be home in the evening. Keep perspective that these visits are about dad and daughter so let dad work it out and encourage dad and daughter to head out for quality time on their own when your step daughter is there. Make it work for you too. If you have your own children that is QT time for them. If you don't it is QT time for you, yourself and you :) then enjoy time together time with your husband and step daughter as a group to integrate her into your family. But it isn't fair to you and it isn't the purpose of the visit for it to be a lot of alone QT with you and your step daughter. The mom may be annoyed because she is seeing her daughter spending a lot of time with you and feels like dad isn't taking the time with her daughter that is the purpose of the visit. Try to see all sides of the issue and remember it is your responsibility to take care of you and feel good but it is your husbands responsibility to manage these issues. Good luck.

MaryAnn - posted on 12/10/2012

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How old is the child? Is she old enough to make a decision regarding her mothers actions? Have you spoken to a lawyer, the father has rights as well, maybe you can have papers drawn up regarding your time with her or take her to court for more time. I am happy to hear of a step mom who wants her step child around most of them just have problems, step children trying to break up the relationship or playing both sides its good to hear a good side. I have 2 amazing step children, they live with me and are so happy they however dont hear from their mom enough and it hurts them which in turn hurts me. There are a lot of resources for you, you just have to do a lot of researching, I wish you the best of luck.

Kristy - posted on 12/05/2012

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lol....we tried that and the calls progressed!! My husband and i have been very generous considering the awful things she has taught this child. And now it has resorted in our property being damaged and the unsafe feeling that her and her "wife beater' husband is always lurking around. None of our children are safe!

Angela - posted on 12/05/2012

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It is stated in the parenting plans that both parents have the right to talk to their child at reasonable times without the other parent monitoring. If you just answered her call to begin with she probably wouldnt keep calling. It is inexcusable for you not to answer the phone for her the first time. If you are busy, then you let the child at least say hello and tell her that she loves her and will call her back when you are done. But you also follow through with letting the child call back when you are done with what you were doing.

Angela - posted on 12/05/2012

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It is stated in the parenting plans that both parents have the right to talk to their child at reasonable times without the other parent monitoring. If you just answered her call to begin with she probably wouldnt keep calling. It is inexcusable for you not to answer the phone for her the first time. If you are busy, then you let the child at least say hello and tell her that she loves her and will call her back when you are done. But you also follow through with letting the child call back when you are done with what you were doing.

Nanie - posted on 12/04/2012

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Your husband's wife feels insecure because she has lost her husband to you, or so. And now that her daughter is in contact with another person, that's you, she feels more insecure. You may want to be a good stepmom, but should know your limit. Try putting yourself in her shoe. Imagine that you are your husband's ex wife and she is you. Both of you are battling for your daughter. You may want to tell off your rival to back off and say, 'Hey this is my daughter and I have the right to have contact with her and......"

You may want to go slow and bear with it. Be a friend to your stepdaughter. You dont own her.

You may want to approach your stepdaughter's mom and make arrangement. Tell her that you are there to help her whenever she needs. She has lost her husband and she is afraid to lost her daughter to you too.You may want to ask her if she wants to have full custody so she doesnt have to bother you night and day. But of course, your husband must be the key to all these communications. Someone must have a clear head, atleast, in this kind of situation.

My advise may not be good so do excuse my comments. I know and can understand how you feel. I hope you are strong with other remarks. But bear in mind that a stepmom is always a stepmom. You still have a long way to go through this, atleast until your stepdaughter is a grownup person and able to understand what is going on. At the end of the day, we want to grow old maturely and gracefully. We may want to look back at our life, how much quality we have been in our life, rather than making a fool of ourselves. I hope you get what I mean.

Leslie - posted on 12/04/2012

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Its one thing to call and check on your kid and another to be obsessed, sounds to me like she is jealous that her daughter might actually have fun with you lol I think its pathetic, the mother needs to back off a bit smh if it was me I wouldnt deal with that crap

Pamela - posted on 12/04/2012

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A step mother remains a step mother, I wonder why women want to get everything from their friends you got his man, now you want to get full control of the children stay out its non of your business ive supervised my childrens daily activities from the day my ex got my children its over 10 years now and when their step mum complained of her not being given the chance to be for the boys I gave her a term to prepare for my boy when he was returning to school. What came up was a disaster my boy went with dirty clothes, beddings no proper food to school, i did not comment but let my boy talk to the dad from that day I do all the shopping for my boys. The only problem I see with people who marry men who were once married is that they became insecure they are so jelous of the ex wife that any call made by the ex should be on loud speaker, wanting to know why he was speaking so softly to her etc.

Mellisa - posted on 12/03/2012

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This is just to her calling... "there should be a time to call" I know that with our Parenting time guidelines it clearly states that " Both parents shall have reasonable phone access to their child at all times. It needs to be at reasonable hours, and at reasonable intervals, without interference from the other parent.' My steps son mom used to call us all the time and if we was outside or something and didn't didn't answer we would have 50 missed call just from her! She even through a fight about us not answer (2 minutes after she had cussed my husband and my own son out) and threatened to take us back to court because we didn't answer

Grace - posted on 12/02/2012

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@Dianna, that would be wonderful if all parents would call their kids and just tell them goodnight, but unfortunately in our case, that wasn't my stepson's mom's agenda. The kids should be made to feel whole and not like they are being torn apart. It is unhealthy for them, but some people think their kids are "property" It's just a sad sad thing.

Grace - posted on 12/02/2012

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@ Lasonda... She does have access. Like I said, we even had a phone for her to call her son on, but that wasn't her agenda. We even made him return her calls and texts when he would ignore her. Now for my husband or I to tell him that it was okay for him to ignore her would have been IMMATURE. We have saved everything. We have nothing to worry about. Also, I was not the other woman, she was. As a matter of fact, I did not want to take custody from her when we went to court. That was a mistake on my part, but as a mother I felt she needed another chance to prove she was fit. By the way, she had to pay a chunk of OUR attorney's fees. If she were to take us back she would be handing him over to us on a silver platter. As I stated also, the judge even made a separate court order throwing the grandmother out of our lives. However, I had a wonderful grandmother and we put our son's best interest first and have included his grandmother in his life when we have him. As a matter of fact, she told my stepson and me that even though she really wanted her grandson with her, (not her daughter) that he was better off living with us instead of her daughter. For someone to willingly accept verbal and written abuse is not being of sound mind. Judges are not black and white, and they deal with "obsessive" or as I like to call it "crazy behavior" all the time. We have just had a discussion with our son and explained that we would like to have him see a counselor so that he has someone he can trust and be able to vent to so that he doesn't have to feel like he is betraying his mom. Unlike my husband and my stepson's mom, I had wonderful parents who shaped me into the loving and caring person I am. I believe God granted me my stepson's love and respect because I willingly chose to unconditionally accept and love him as I do my own children.

Shell - posted on 12/02/2012

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Ok I laid it on a little thick there... but we step-moms.... we SO ROCK!!!

Shell - posted on 12/02/2012

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Trust me Lasonda.... if you WERE a step mom and had some of our BIO moms to deal with..... You too would have the “wish the biological mother would just go away” attitude." And tho I have that thought.... for my SS I just hope she becomes a better person, for his sake, not for me... but for our child. He deserves better.



BTW there is NO OTHER adult that is a "part of my marriage". I am married to my husband, we have a child that we share with bio mom and whomever is her latest boyfriend. And she is NOT in my marriage. Never will be.



I think most men that are divorced or have a previous child would be sorely disappointed if all of us awesome step moms had passed them by because previous relationships went bad. I know my husband would be lost in a K-razy world without my clear, level headed, organized, well spoken, patient, welcoming, takes care of it all, leads the troups and much more wonderfulness! lol *fist-pump* to Kristi and ME lololol

Lasonda - posted on 12/02/2012

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@ Grace Green,



I think it’s reckless and immature of you to advise someone to do something that would violate their visitation agreement. If your stepson’s mother were to report to the judge that you avoided all contact with her while her son was visiting his dad, he would be in jeopardy of losing some, if not all of his visitation. She could and should go back and request that her son be made available to her via telephone daily during a specific hour of the day.



As a mother, I wish someone would ignore any call that I make to my child while they are in their care. Although I am not a step-mom, I’ve noticed that most of the step-mothers have a “wish the biological mother would just go away” attitude.



If you didn’t want to deal with another adult being a part of your marriage then you should’ve married a guy who either didn’t have any kids or one who was a widower.

Dianna - posted on 12/02/2012

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I have three kids who's father is not a part of their life. They may hear from him once a year and it has been over two years since they seen him. I don't prevent him from talking to him or seeing him although he now lives in NY state and I live in SC. I am with my kids every day. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I have been away from them for a day. On those occasions that I was away they stayed with either close friends or my mom. I called every night. They probably called me a few times a day too. They didnt stay on the phone with me for hours but a few minutes.

I think as a parent we are responsible for letting our kids know we are always there for them. That few minute conversation is just being the constant in their life. It let's them know that even though I'm not there I am thinking of them and I am only a phone call away. I wish their dad called them every night. What is a few minutes of time a day in those 24 hours you have. is it really that inconvient for a few minutes of time? I think that each night there should be a time set in which the child's parent that is not there should be able to call and ask how the kids day was and say good night and I love you.

Grace - posted on 12/01/2012

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OMG...that's crazy. We have the same situation only ours is weirder than yours. First off, the biological mom is probably threatened by you. Not saying she is really jealous, but more likely threatened. I don't know anything like if you were the reason for the breakup of her family or not; however, if you were, that could be a contributing factor to her obsessiveness. Our court order is so that we DON'T have to deal with her. The judge knew she was crazy. We pick our boy up as soon as school lets out at whatever time that is. We return him on the day school resumes AT THE SCHOOL of the following week.We get him on Thursday right after school and return him Friday at the school. However as our boy has gotten older and in junior high, it has gotten a little more difficult because we don't live in the same town and so we have had to sacrifice our Thursdays with him because we want him to enjoy school extracurricular activities. Now, we always got along until he started failing and he wanted to come to live with us. That's when she really went extra nuts. What was worse, she has a "friend" or "partner" or whatever you would like to call her lover. So now there are three female figures involved. But what gets crazier, is that the "partner/friend" is involved. So now there's more hormones involved. I have to keep humor about this whole situation or I'd go nuts. Bottom line is we got along with the mom because we would always put our son's interest first. The mom was always making arrangements during our visitation and we would always go along, but not anymore. My husband finally told her she needs to schedule her out of town visits when she has him in her custody and to stop interfering with ours. She didn't like that. Well, she decided that she would no longer communicate with me which was fine, but she became ugly in her texts and so my husband blocked her from his phone. He was not going to put up with verbal abuse because she is how she is. So guess who started communicating with my phone again? Yes, she sends me the texts again only I don't respond because we have him with us. Now she says the court order says "they" have to communicate with each other about our son. However, what is there to communicate about? If he is sick, yes, but she just wants to be crazy. She is a "control freak" and can't stand not to be in control.

Now, when you have the child in your care during your visitation then you should block her number during that time. You have to remember that YOU and YOUR husband are in control of your phone. After the child goes back, unblock her number. Then if there's an emergency she can get in touch with your husband. She's just like a bill collector. You do not have to answer the phone just because it rings. We bought a phone for her to call our son directly so we wouldn't have to deal with her when we have him. However, her "partner" was deleting our texts to him or reading them and he would not respond to us because he did not know we had texted him. So we just turned his phone off. Now we have no dealings with her or her "friend" while he is with us. Oh, by the way, the judge made a separate order and threw the Grandmother out of our lives too. They should be doing flips and thanking God that I am not the wicked stepmother. But that is why she feels so threatened, because she knows how much he loves me. BLOCK HER NUMBER WHILE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND HAVE YOUR STEPDAUGHTER WITH YOU. She won't like it, but she will get the message. The best advice I can give you is to love your stepdaughter. It's not her fault nor can she control her mom's behavior.

Jennifer - posted on 12/01/2012

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All I can say is, is to put in the eamil that she may call everyother day if she is there more then two days. - I meant to say, to put it in the order...... lol sorry.

Jennifer - posted on 12/01/2012

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I have a crazy ex wife to deal with.. oh, let me tell you. I spent the first 3 years of my then new marriage in a family court house that I should be a lawyer. First of all it is not OK that she calls and calls and calls. My husband's ex tried to pull that and the judge told her to stop. It is very disruptive to the father's time (or mother if the mother has visitation). Not only do I say that but that is straight from the judge's mouth. I too have a daughter who goes to her father's house and if she is there for more then two nights, I will call every other day out of respect for him. All I can say is, is to put in the eamil that she may call everyother day if she is there more then two days. If it's from like Fri at 3:00p.m. to Sun. at 3 p.m. she doesn't need to call at all because she just dropped her off Fri. and will see her Sun.



My biggest recomm. is GET AN ORDER!!!!!! Also, he DOES NOT have to agree with anybody if he does not agree. Don't let him get "duped" Not sure if I spelt that right, lol into anything he does not agree with. Make sure you guys keep a journal of EVERYTHING she does and says, trust me, it will save your butts later on. Keep any text or phone or email records. Try to keep everything in email too because that is your best proof. If she says one thing verbally but then another in email you will have that proof. Anyways, lol You can put anything in an order and I highly recomm. thinking about the little and huge things and make sure they are put in there! :) even the phone calls.....

Kathy - posted on 12/01/2012

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Due to the obvious most Mothers really don't trust other women or new wives with there children have you ever considered involving mom in some events so she can see that her child is in good hands and that she has nothing to worry about she is being a mom you feel like she's obsessive but I think of it as being a protective MOTHER

User - posted on 12/01/2012

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I think you are wrong. The lady asking the question is not simply saying the ex is calling. She is calling repeatedly, several times a day! I agree that if it makes mom feel better she can call right before bed to check on her daughter, but there is no need for her to call several times a day!!



When my daughter was little and would go visit her dad, we agreed I would call every night at 8 to check on her. When he answered his phone it worked well. When he did not, it made me not want to let her go with him next time. As a parent we want to protect our children, but I think she is being excessive.

Regan - posted on 11/24/2012

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My two older boys go to their dad's and step mother's every other weekend (twice a month). I trust them with my boys. When they were younger, I used to phone them at bedtme to say goodnight to them and now that they are older I don't phone, I figure if something is wrong they(my boys) will call. Phoning or texting once, sometimes twice would be fine but more than that would feel more like harrassment. Your best bet would be to get some advice from family lawyers. Let them handle it, but until then try and deal with things as best as you can. Good luck!

Yvonne - posted on 11/24/2012

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I am both step /bio mom both boys r grown now but my problem wasnt that she called but the frequency. A call a day is fine 10/15 min is fine but not all day. Most times she was disrupting what was going on in the house. Soon the kid started ducking her calls . Her problem was controll . Anyone that calls to much is controlling .and asking questions Each. Time was nerve wrecking to the kids they never knew what answers would displease her. Let each parent have their time with their child.for god sakes get a life

Stephanie - posted on 11/24/2012

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It IS obsessive and she sounds very controlling. It's unfortunate that she wouldn't want what is in the best interest of the child. I'd keep it by the book and request a modification to the order. Be respectful, but it's ok to ask for fairness. Some people are very irrational when it comes these situations

Usually still bitter and unhappy. Keep being a great stepmom.

LaDon - posted on 11/24/2012

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Just stop taken the calls..so what let her ring the phone and send the text you don't have to replied to them. She will see her when she comes back home. That's all to it.

Cristina - posted on 11/21/2012

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1. Well, it's not so much the disrespect, it's the placing of boundaries that needs to take place in ANY relationship. My hubs has two baby mammas: they are both hot messes with multiple baby daddies and addiction and psychological issues. They both said cr#p about me to him and him to me from the start. Stuff like my bio kids are not really my own-what?! So, when they violate boundaries of civility, there is an immediate need to address it. If the man doesn't, then we have to do it ourselves...and that's when this drama occurs. Some men are not equipped with the ability to establish those boundaries, and some even enjoy the drama. 2. It is not good to tell kids that their mother is a good mother when she encourages them to wear padded bras at 5, have boyfriends at 9, have alcohol as minors, allow drugs and not spend any time or money on the kids. No-that is NOT what I want them to learn and bring into our house. Now, if the other mother is "different", but safe, that's fine in my book, as long as she is kind to the kids. So-there are shades of dislike.

Chrisdee - posted on 11/21/2012

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I am truly appalled at the level of disrespect that we as women are expressing toward one another. There are definitely two sides to every story. Why are all of the biological mothers deemed crazy or insecure? Not only are many of these sentiments harsh and self-inflating, but it seems that the most important persons impacted are forgotten - the children. Their mothers are not all overbearing and insecure with some unfounded need to harass their ex spouse's new partner. Perspective is important - Do you think these children are blind to the true sentiment you have toward their mothers? As women, we as mothers or step mothers, need to evaluate in honesty the impact that our behaviors are having on the children involved. Being a mother and a parent (bio or step) in a blended family is difficult. Can we not find ways to support one another, rather than blaming and belittling one another?

Jessica - posted on 11/20/2012

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Crazy mom sounds like me and you sound like my ex. He accused me of being controlling and bothersome when I called to check in on my son who visited him only every other weekend. I Would disapprove of what my son was eating and told my ex as much. He felt berated, judged, and annoyed. Bottom line is I did not trust him and needed to know my child was safe. Until that crazy mom feels that she will most likely not let up. Try showing her you care as much as she does and are always open to input that will make her daughters life better. If you have confidence you aren't making poor choices when you have your step daughter find comfort in that. Crazy mom is simply crazy if you are caring for her daughter and keeping her safe. Time and consistency should build trust. GOOD LUCK!

Aisha - posted on 11/20/2012

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Excessive calling is a problem some agreements will dictatate the times to call when she's with the other parent. But how old is the child? she should be able to say I want to call my mom or dad on her own...My daughter is 7 we don't have a visitation schedule yet it depends on our schedule until we are divorced. But when shes with the other parent she asks to call but if not she calls before bed.

Cristina - posted on 11/19/2012

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Here's one to consider: When she calls, put her on speaker and keep butting in- that'll teach her haha Keep doing what you are doing. Here's another one: Call back three hours later "Kids are in bed, sorry, we were busy having fun. Nitey night!".

Fran - posted on 11/19/2012

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I agree with you Rochelle. Sounds like she may be calling excessive to be manipulative. Its okay to call every once in while to see how they are doing however she is crossing the line when she questions what is going on in their household and if they have done anything fun. Chances are the child is playing 2 hands against the middle bc they feel like they have to. I am a step parent, the 2 youngest are minors. Unfortunately the courts gave him joint custody which consists of him getting them from school every other Friday and taking them back to school that Monday. He also gets them alternating every 5th week. The Summer break is only for a total of 3 weeks I believe 1 of which can be consecutive...this is only a platform and can be altered by the parents if they agree upon it, but she hadn't budged until last week she let us get them 1 extra day. She doesn't call all the time and in the past she would call them and question them. When the older daughter wouldn't get her way she would sneak off and call her Mom. Finally my husband took the cell phone from her. Leading up to the divorce she would allow him to get them often..we

would have the youngest most of the week but since the divorce she has changed that up. My



thoughts on it is that she doesn't want to potentially lose some of the child support and also to be spiteful.

Rochelle - posted on 11/19/2012

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Hey ladies

Why so much hate towards stepparents. It is her daughter too... just not by birth and according to one of her other posts she had a big hand is raising her. I am surprised at some of the vitriol expressed such as telling the stepmom to back off and that she has not right to interfere. This is here home and her husband and she has had a hand in raising the child also so she does have some say. Yes it is okay for the bio mom to miss the child but come on... let her spend some uninterrupted time with her dad and get a life apart from your child. Sounds like she is purposely trying to disrupt the blended family time because she is insecure and does not want her daughter getting too attached to the stepmom. I too and a stepmom of a daughter. My husband and I had custody and she saw her mom every other weekend. While she was there we did not call or bother her. We let her call us if she wanted to talk to us.. and she did. Her mother did not call everyday either. Yes, you love and miss your child but it is obsessive when you do not have a life of your own apart from your child and have to disrupt her time with the rest of her family.

Cristina - posted on 11/19/2012

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The check-in thing is a method of manipulation-sorry. The kids are fine for a few days without checking in with the other parent. If I called every day, my kids would never want to get off the phone with me and probably start crying until they saw me. Not fair to them, they are safe, leave them alone. Now-with relatives-different story. I would call and say a quick hi and have fun and I love you. It sounds like you guys might want a week-on-week-off change in schedule. After the age of 6, maybe 7-that seems to be the quietest arrangement for everyone.

Pamela - posted on 11/18/2012

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Sounds like she is not only possessive, but HIGHLY INSECURE, all habit patterns that she is teaching her own daughter through her own actions...not necessarily her words.



You might want to point these truths out to your husband and see if he can sweetly suggest that maybe the child's mom doesn't really want to teach this kind of behavior to her daughter. He might want to use some old axioms: Children learn what they "see" not just what they hear. Children learn through imitation.



Perhaps he can have her look at herself and question her own actions if they have a close enough communication tie. Sometimes we are so in the thick of it that we cannot see ourselves and if we learn to step back and check out our own actions we may be horrified.



Try this: The next weekend you have the daughter jot down on a pad/paper the exact time that any calls or texts come it. If it is a call notate it like this:



Sat. 11/24/12 (ex-wife's name) called @ 10:28 am

" " " @ 12:02 pm, etc.

Do the same for all text messages. Then when it comes time for the exchange hand a copy of the list. Keep one for yourself and ask her if she is aware of how often she calls, texts, etc. Maybe when she sees it it will show her a bit about herself. If she doesn't believe you tell her to go to her own phone log and check it out. Phone logs don't lie!



This may also have tinges of jealousy.....she doesn't want you to have a space in her daughter's life. If she can be made to see that this kind of behavior will cause more harm than good and that it is SELFISH, to say the least, then maybe she can change her ways.



The highest and best to all of you! Hope you get some answers that suggest methods you can try!

Isaura - posted on 11/17/2012

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My ex.gets his daughter every other weekend. I don't call because that is his time with her. Unfortunately he also goes M.I.A. for months at a time and his girlfriend tells him he shouldn't pay child support. But I just stay quiet I don't want to have it get ugly for my daughters sake. I'm just documenting it and we are going to court soon because he thinks the amount of child support he has to pay is excessive. You guys should go to court or a mediator and try to revise you visitation. She does sound crazy and that is a bit excessive to call like that.

Melodie - posted on 11/17/2012

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Ask to set up times when they can call and for how long. Same with when she is not with you. My ex called every Sunday at 1. I let the kids talk as long as they wanted. Then same situaton with a grandchild and she did not want to talk to her mom. Didn't force her, my daughter didn't call much. But as long as you love the child and listen to her, you will be ok.

Judy - posted on 11/17/2012

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Maybe you should give her a taste of her own medicine. Call her every day and make sure you talk to your step- daughter every day. When she asks what your doing say we love her as much as you do and we are concerned she is missing us as much as we miss her. I have a step-daughter that we have had to share at times with her mom. She had her till she was 6 then the mother took off and barely called or wrote my step-daughter. Now she's back after several years and the school we all want the now fourteen yr old girl to go to is in the area that Grampa and Gramma live in. And mom and new husband live there to so ya do what is best for the child. Just make sure the child knows you care and that you love her just and care for her as much as the other parents. Keep in touch. They will know who does right by them in the long run. Sending love and wisdom your way

Gramma Booty

Christy - posted on 11/16/2012

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You have two diffrent situations on your hands. I have been both the mom who lets their kids go to their dads and have been the step-mom. Although it is anoying to be the "other mom"and have your time interupted with daily phone calls when you want to be bonding with your step daughter, when you are the birth mom it is very natural to call and nurture the bond that already exsists. When my step kids mom called all the time I grudingly grined and bared it. If we were going to be busy doing something and I knew the kids couldn't talk I or the kids or thier dad would give her a heads up and let her know that they wouldn't be able to talk but that they would call her when they get the chance. This cut down on the incesent phone ringing when we were busy. As time went on and their BM became more comfortable and the kids were older she didn't feel the need to call as much. Now as a birth mom I let my kids go to thier dads every summer and I call them every day. Sometimes they want to talk and sometimes they don't. On days that they don't want to talk their dad normally tells me what they have been up to. He knows how close we are and that it is important to me to hear about their day and he respects me enough to give that. I would have a BIG problem if some woman came into the picture and tried to interfear with that aspect of our relationship. It has nothing to do with her wanting to forge a relationship with them. The more good relationships that they have the better, but that new relationship will not come at the price of the one between the kids and I. When they get older I may not feel the need to call them as often but that choice is mine alone to make. As far as the visitation goes you can always get that adjusted through the courts. It is common for the visitation to be adjusted as kids get older. You do need to take into account school and after school activities. We of course don't know your whole story but if you live an hour away it isn't practical for your DSD to spend more week night away from her moms house. The closer you live togeather the easier it is. would it be possible to have your DSD spend more time in the summer when there normally isn't any schedualing issues?

Shell - posted on 11/10/2012

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We have the same timing of our sched w/ my SS. We recently took the narcissistic psychsematic kook of an ex to court to get scheduled phone time. Maybe you could talk to her and set up scheduled times during the 6 days away from you (IE we got fri at 5p and mon at 7p) Then suggest that the child call her BM on Sat at 3pm. One call. You could let the BM know that its excessive and that you will be turning your phone off if she continues to badger you.??? Desperate times call for desperate measures! And I personally would just turn my phone off the entire weekend and check it periodically but I would not deal with that craziness! Trust me I've had to do that w/ the BM in my life! Good luck!

Elizabeth - posted on 11/10/2012

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Go to Court and get a modification and court order prohibiting her from harassing you. Make it state she can only call once a day at a specific time. You can also request additional te share.

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