my ex wants to see my son after no contact with him for a over a year...what should I do?

[deleted account] ( 11 moms have responded )

my ex has legal visitation with my son but has not seen him in over a year and barely ever calls or txt or messages me on facebook about seeing him and when he does ask to get him he backs out with an excuse....My son wants to see his dad but Im not sure its for his best interest since he's not dependable. He has only paid child support like 3 times but it was garnish...He's never in his life and barely calls or see's him. My fiancee is great with him and my son calls him daddy but remembers his bio father...I'm not sure if its gonna make things worse to let him see him after soo long..plz help he wants to take him soon and Im uncomfortable with it......everytime bio father takes him he crys and wants to come home after a day with him......plz plz plz help.......

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Leslie Dawn - posted on 07/06/2013

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Evelyn,
Too, I wanted to say... I agree with most all you've said. We on here seeing these posts CANT KNOW. I know that there are probably tons of "pretty little liars" all over this site. I can't stop a malicious mom from soliciting well-intentioned advice, twisting it and using to the demise of a wonderful loving father somewhere. But I won't let the knowledge of that stop me from giving it either. Chelsea needs to spend some serious time in prayer, if she believes in God, to help her with this position she's in. I don't have any idea what she should do, but she shouldn't be so frightened by the law right now in the decision... is my only point.

Leslie Dawn - posted on 07/06/2013

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I think what this girl would want the most is for son to be excited to go see his dad and his dad be in his life according to whatever the custody agreement is. It's probably the every other weekend basic. No one could've anticipated the bio's lack of being around at the time of the custody agreement and scheduling (he probably said he would be there all the time). I believe this girl is just REACTING to a situation that has been forced upon her and her child and in LIEU OF THAT is now facing a tough decision. Ms. Bedard, I "don't know" if she should deny the father visitation or not. The point is that no person in their right mind would bring contempt charges in front of a judge when, at this point, he's considered a "deadbeat dad" himself. And yes, this is an official term now and not slang. If he owes more than $5,000 or hasn't made a payment in 1.5 years (whichever comes first) and cannot show any good reason to the judge, he is facing a class A misdemeanor or a fine or up to a year in jail or both. Its called criminal non-support. Only an idiot would bring contempt when "he's" in contempt himself. So, like I said earlier, you can quote the law all day long, but in these types of cases... the mother "is" in control. Now, if she doesn't have enough money for anything but the public prosecutor, then she might have to sacrifice her son way over and above what she thinks she should [his mental and emotional state] to "make sure" she keeps the father happy. It is just an extremely contorting, emotionally stretching position to be in because she is vexed. Didn't you see her "plz, plz, plz" help on her post? She needs advice. She doesn't know what to do or how to proceed. I wish her the best, but if she's got any money at all, the last thing she needs to worry about here is the father bringing contempt charges against "her". Plus as custodian, the judge is going to consider the severity of any contempt brought against her. He's not just going to rip a child out of a stable home unless grievous.

Leslie Dawn - posted on 07/06/2013

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What Chelsea is going through is an extremely excruciating decision. It could be one of THE most important decisions in her child's life. "Do I scar the child with a selfish parent making the child want to see the parent more, maybe getting promises and then horrific disappointments?" OR "Do I fight through my own uncertainty and deny or limit my child's exposure to bio to buffer any lethal blows the bio can dish out?" She's in a place that no earthly person can give her much guidance. That's why I told her I hoped she had God in her life, because she will need Him. You can quote all the laws all day long, but bio isn't going to press one tiny little issue about visitation because he doesn't want to pay a penny. In these cases, there may as well not even be an order. This father is not going to exercise his rights and the mother is there to protect her child and is the only platform he/she's got. So everyone knows she "does" have the right and she "will" determine whether that father sees that child. I just wouldn't want to be in her shoes.... to have to make the decision. And, it more than likely, won't be just a one-time event.

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Leslie Dawn - posted on 07/07/2013

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Chelsea,
Your last post seemed so much like the movie "Liar, liar" with Jim Carey. I fear for my child's life every time he goes on his visits, but I have to diligently remember he is in God's hands..."not mine". It's the hardest relinquishing. So I sincerely wish you great wisdom and insight and may you cross each bridge [decision] as you come to it because I'm sorry to say, I fear you will constantly "not know" probably until the very last second what to do in any given situation. That's what makes it so life-consuming and defeating for both you and your son. Like Evelyn mentioned, it "isn't" a win for anyone. For your son's mental and emotional health, I would just stop telling him anything that his bio or bio's gf says or plans.... to save his precious feelings as much as you can. You have got the upper hand in this situation legally speaking....don't be fearful about that part of it if you hear threats from "whereever." Be cognizant of the potential accusation of parent alienation that Evelyn spoke of though [what it is and the accusation of it]. He can accuse you of that. In fact, anyone can say anything about anybody. If you can be consistent about it, start a logbook and write down every time you call and offer visitation or a party and every time its refused or skipped altogether. And I recommend you check out your states policy on audio recordings without the knowledge of the other person. In my state it is legal as can be and $100 digital recorder from RadioShack has literally saved my child's life. And what is so remarkable, is I've NEVER "had" to reveal my recordings to anyone. All that has been needed is me to say, "by the way, you were recorded and I have everything you said right here".... and then they all the sudden become reasonable. It's the best purchase of my life. But make 100% sure about your state laws FIRST. You're doing a good job seeking counsel and reaching out for help. Good luck :-)

Michelle - posted on 07/06/2013

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The laws are in place for a reason. I guess in a "perfect" world the custodial parent would be able to do the best things for the children but when you have divorced and gone through the court system then you have to abide by the court orders.
If she is found in contempt for allowing visitation then she could lose custody. As stated earlier, child support and visitation are seen as separate issues and each have to be dealt with separately.
It would probably be best to meet in a public place and let the Father know that he needs to regularly visit in order to establish a good relationship with his son.

Leslie Dawn - posted on 07/06/2013

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Evelyn,

Is there a way I can respond to your question directly? There are some details for my own safety that I should not share in an open forum like this.

Evelyn - posted on 07/06/2013

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I hear your words and understand completely what you say, Leslie, but at the same time when we do not know more of the situation its hard to give the advice someone is asking for. They may even know what it is they want to hear and they are not going to hear it. The best that should be done here is to let this child see the father in a controlled situation because should dad decide to do something about being denied access he can call it parent alienation. And you never answered my question about having been married with kids or divorced with kids. It makes a lot of difference when you have been in a similar situation. I am divorced with kids and its a fine line you walk where a lot of issues are concerned. All I can say for this woman is to let the father see his kid in a controlled situation like the park or something. She is going to have to prove that the father is not fit enough to take him on visits. Its not a winning situation for anyone.

Firebird - posted on 07/06/2013

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If your ex has legal visitation and you try to deny him, you can be held in contempt of court. Worse case scenario you could lose custody of your son and/or go to jail. You can't deny the father visitation nor should you.

Evelyn - posted on 07/06/2013

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Leslie-I have to agree with the other mom who has answered here. She is discussing actual things that are put in a custody agreement. If such is in place so that the parents can see their children; you can not deny them seeing them no matter if its one year or ten years since last contact. We do not know the full story here just the bits she gave us. We do not know anything about the bio father at all and not much about her situation either with exception to what she wrote here. The bottom dollar is that the child does need contact with parents if its provided. She could have always asked for visitation on her terms if she had wanted to go that far. Since we do not know what the bio dad's visitation is such as how many weekends a month, holidays, over night or not, and such we can not give her the advice she really wants. She wants to hear that she can deny the whole visit to keep her son safe from having to learn to deal with things that happen in life. Kids are going to not want to go with one parent or the other for a number of reasons. She gave no clue as to if the bio dad is even thought to be unfit in her eyes outside of only 3 child support payments. That does not mean he can not take care of the child. Also, it depends on what the child has been told about his bio dad too. We do not know the picture that was painted for the child. Its in custody agreements that the parents do not bad mouth the other parent in front of kids. I am happy her fiance is good with the kid but he is not yet the step dad and he can not say anything about the visit from a legal stand point. There are so many angles here we do not have any clue about.

I have a question for you: Are you divorced with kids? You do not sound like it.

Michelle - posted on 07/06/2013

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You don't have the right to deny the Father seeing his child. It's not up to you to decide that he's not a good Father.
Child support and visitation are 2 very separate issues so it doesn't matter that he's not paying, he can still see his child.
The only way to stop the visitation altogether is to go back to court and prove he is an unfit Father. By what you have said he isn't so I don't like you chances.

Leslie Dawn - posted on 07/06/2013

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First of all, I hope you have God (Jesus) in your life because you need some supernatural guidance, girl. I only "wish" I was in your situation, though, with my son [6 1/2]. If I had a fiancee who was "really" good, not just rationalizing and pretending he's good, I wouldn't worry about the bio at all. BUT, I wouldn't let him "go" with bio. If bio wants to see his son, find a neutral location and let him see him 5 hours one day... 8 hours... don't let him just "go" away with him if he's crying to come home after one night. Trust your instincts....pray an hour or so before you make ANY decisions and when you think you've come up with the right one, ask God to give you favor and don't forget that when you ask........believe what you've asked for....good luck:-) Oh, and is there any reason bio would have to just want to have some contact with you to mess things up with fiancee? Think extremely selfishly. He could just be using your son for some other convenient ulterior motive????

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