My ex wants to see my two children after no contact for 5 years? Son is 9 and daughter is nearly 5.

Sam - posted on 04/26/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

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My ex partner turned up on my doorstep saying that he wants to see his children......my son has not seen him since he was 3 and doesnt even remember him, my daughter, who is nearly 5 has never even meet him.

He says that he is settled now with a new partner and family and he wants to see his kids.

Is he allowed to do this? What rights does he have?

He hasnt tried to make contact before, my 9 year old son is very grown up and i have never lied to him about his father...he says that he doesnt want to see him...he said that hes not my dad!!!

My daughter is only 4 and does not like the company of strangers either.

He only payed CS for about 2 years then it stopped, it started again about 6 months ago but as the law has now changed and we mothers do not have to accept this if we dont want to i cancelled it.....why should he pay for children that i consider not to be his???

I never want to have to deal with him again really, me and my children are settled, have 2 brilliant kids....the fact that they are really settled, i am worried that he will come back and ruin all the work i have done so far.

He has a history of violence (has spent time in and out of prison over the years) for GBH/ABH.

I wouldnt like a character like that around my children...its just a pity that i didnt realise what he was like before i had children with him. But obviously dont regret them for the world.....what can i do?

Does he hold any right that i need to know about?

We are not married or have ever been. He is on my sons birth certificate but not my daughters.

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Lucy - posted on 07/30/2010

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Hi Sam,

Im in the same position as you and i have been to see my solicitor this week after receiving a letter form the court saying my ex is applying for PR and a contact order. My ex has had NO contact with dd for 5 yrs and lives 300 miles away.

My dd was born before 2003 and her dad is on the certificate but he does NOT have PR because we were NOT married.

My solicitor said he would be lucky if he got indirect access from the court dure to the length of time he has not seen dd and also my dd does NOT want to see him and my solicitor said as she is now over 8yr and understands the court will NOT make her if she said NO.

Hope everthing works ok for you i know exactly how you feel, message me if you want to ask anything else i will try and help xx

[deleted account]

Here's some information that may help:

Unmarried Couples
In general terms, the mother is deemed to have “parental responsibility” for her children in an unmarried couple. However, there are exceptions. You also have parental responsibility if:


The child’s birth was registered after December 1st, 2003 and your name is on the certificate as the father.


If the child was born before that time with no father listed on the birth certificate, but the birth was later re-registered with you named as the father.


If you and the child’s mother sign a Parental Responsibility Agreement.


If you’re given a parental responsibility order by the court, or a Residence Order for the child to live with you.

Therefore, he has the right to access to your son as his name's on the birth certificate and in court he could fight for access to your daughter too by means of a paternity test if he wanted to go that far.

The best advice I could give would be to contact the Citizen's Advice Bureau - they can help.

Iridescent - posted on 04/26/2010

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No! He is a stranger, and he's trying to throw a new family at your kids and mess with their minds by showing them how his new family is so great, yet he didn't want them all this time! Talk about a psychological nightmare! Since he hasn't seen them in 5 years, KEEP HIM AWAY. Get a restraining order to protect the kids and yourself, and file for full custody without visitation rights based on him not having seen them for as long as it's been. Most places, after 1-2 years of no contact all visitation rights are revoked.

[deleted account]

If his name is on your son's birth certificate then he could legally take you to court seeking visitation rights. I would talk to a lawyer about your legal options. Considering the length of his abandonment, perhaps you could even terminate his rights as a parent.

Kristen - posted on 04/26/2010

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ok, just read your in the UK, still I advise you get legal advise. Advise wont get any balls rolling, just keeps you two steps ahead of the game! GOOD LUCK!

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Donna - posted on 04/26/2010

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Hi sam, as Jennifer posted your ex does already have parental rights over your son as he is named on the birth certificate, he can apply to the courts for a visitational rights order concerning your daughter, BUT your best bet before courts are brought into this seek a solicitor and explain the situation, you will be offered mediation for yourself and your ex where by you both can express your wishes concerning your children, they will also offer your children a chance to express their wishes. In the UK the age for a childs opinion to be needed in court is 12 although recently an 8 year old was deemed mature enough to know their own mind. Good luck with it all, Iv just been through this with my childrens father so my thoughts are with you.

[deleted account]

I believe the court would take your son's wishes into consideration, but you need to seek legal advice immediately to find everything out for sure in your particular situation.

Kristen - posted on 04/26/2010

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They may advise him to see a counselor and the counselor would work with him on his feelings and why he feels this way. That will be taken into court and consideration. He is too young (again each state or country for that matter is diff, so def look into it) to make his own choice. I believe its 12 years here in WI for a kid to make his own decision.

Sam - posted on 04/26/2010

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Would the court take into consideration that my son does not want to see him or would they over-ride a 9 year old!
I think that my children are so balanced and settled that he would really mess them up with talk of other partners and several children born after them. From previous experience i know that he would introduce my children to their many (so called) half brothers and sisters as there were also many born before them also.
If i had a choice i wouldnt stop them finding him when they are older 16/18 or older.
When they are old enough not to be influenced by such a man, i hope that they come back to me and say that they see him for the man he is......

Kristen - posted on 04/26/2010

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You should state what state your in, before people give you legal advise! Every state is different on laws that fathers hold. Here in WI, that same father would be able to go pick up your son from wherever and they would have to allow him to take him UNLESS you had legal documents to show that his rights have been removed. So again, before you take ANY legal advise here, look up your local laws! As for the personal side of things, remember: Time changes things and you may or may not like the changes being done. March 3rd 2003, my partner had went to prison for 4 years and that was the very same day i found out i was preggo, GREAT TIMING =/. I was very worried about things when he got out. I didnt want that type of person or thought that type of person couldnt raise kids. (BTW he went for selling drugs) YES I am aware that he was good enough to sleep with and all that blah blah blah, but to RAISE a child, I wasnt sure. I went 4 years raising her by myself and thinking I was doing everything right, he was released and I still did not allow to see her for another year after, I wanted him to prove he wasnt back at that lifestyle he maintained before prison. After alot of proving on his behalf and many visits where we ALL were present. His parents, me and him (all this being MY wanting) I started to allow him to take her for short visits alone. And in the end, her having a father REALLY REALLY made a difference! It has been 2 years now and they are wonderful together! Now my situation is really different than yours, and I guess what Im trying to say is letting your children have a father, letting them have the chance of having a father can be good for them. You are their mother and that is something they will never forget, but a father can do so much for them growing up. Good luck and make sure you check your local laws!

LisaJoy - posted on 04/26/2010

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It is up to you. You are their mother & know what is best for them, he has NO right to just pop up and expect them to call him Daddy, that title is earned and from what I read he hasn't. You have every right to not want him to see your kids & if it came up that you have to take it to court then I am sure you would win.

Gwen - posted on 04/26/2010

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As far as I'm aware if he's not paying child support for them then he has no right to see them. And if he has a violent history with convictions for this, you would have a great case for them not to see him. I would certainly hold on to any happy photos etc of their dad so that when they ask you can tell them how things were at the start. Then, when they are old enough to understand, you can explain that you were protecting them from him. If they still want to meet him after that then you may have to support them but that will be years further down the line and 'daddy' may have lost interest. Not a great situation to be in and my heart goes out to you. Just don't tell them he is a bad man as they are a part of him too and they may feel that they are bad because he is. It's a really hard thing to do when you hate the man so much. Stay strong and focussed on your kids as you have been. I really hope things turn out ok for you. x

Rachelle - posted on 04/26/2010

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i know that after so many years in canada its considered admandonment which would leave him no rights to your children... your best bet is to find out the laws in your area ... good luck i hope things trun out for you ♥

[deleted account]

First off, Im sorry to hear that your in this upsetting situation. It cant be easy for you or your kids.
I would def. get some legal advice. Its hard to say what legal rights he has but you have to make the right emotional choice for them and you.
The crappy part is that if you keep them from him it might make even bigger waves and make the situation worse...he might then begin to fight more for them...
But the safest route is to get representation and make sure you do everything right lawfully and go from there.
good luck, my heart goes out to you...you sound like a great mom! ox

Louise - posted on 04/26/2010

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I don't know where you live but if you are British then go and see the citizens advice. They have free access to solicitors and can stear you in the right direction. The fact that he has a criminal record for violence can only help you to prevent access to your children. Go the the CAB as they deal with this all of the time and they are really good. If you live any where else I really don't know where you stand. Maybe you will be forced to give him supervised access because of his past. Don't panic though but as a child of a broken home I always wanted my father to contact me when we lost contact at the age of nine, but he never has and I am now 40! Don't close the door completly to your kids because one day cauriosity will catch up with them and they will want to know what their father was like. This is only natural! Maybe it would be easier to introduce them now so that they do not have the erge to go and find him later. I understand that you are worrid about the effect on the kids and rightly so, but do you really feel he is a terrible person (after all you must of loved this guy to have two kids) or are you worrid that they will like him! Think long and hard what you want and then what is right for the kids at the moment but whatever you decide remember, that at some point in there life they will look to you for the reason they did not see their dad when they were small.

Sam - posted on 04/26/2010

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I am in th U.K, i dont really want to start legal proceedings myself as this might set the ball rolling when he might never set it off......i am hoping that he will get bored (as i know that he doesnt really care, otherwise he never would have let the years pass by without seeing them)
Think that it would kill me if a court said that i had to let him see my children.

[deleted account]

What country are you in?? Because if you are in Australia unfortunately yes he does have some right to see them regardless if he has been in prison or had no contact with the children previously.. I would call legal aid and get some advice because if he gets a lawyer and attempts to get access you will want to be prepared..

Amanda - posted on 04/26/2010

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You need to talk to a lawyer and find out what steps you can take to keep him away. As the father he does have the right to see his kids but considering his history, there may be a legal way to stop this from happening.

Sharyn - posted on 04/26/2010

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my deceased husband didn't have contact with his older kids for years, his girl whom is now 16, only meet her father when she was 8, it wasn't because he didn't want to, it was due to him not being settled down nor knowing where they were, they struck up a great releationship, and even after his death i still keep in contact with them, at the end of the day you have to chose what's best for your kids, but people do change, but it's up to you to talk to him and find out for yourself before letting him near your kids.

good luck with your decision, it'll be an extremely hard one to make.

Chelle - posted on 04/26/2010

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I have been in a similar situation the father of my oldest boys has never had access to them but early on i got legal advice and put orders in place that still cover us today I am with you i don't see how its fair they can come in when ever they like and say hey i am good let me see my kids you have done the hard work and they have to realize that in the kids eyes he is a stranger ...but your best bet is to get it sorted legally seek legal aide get the ball rolling now and if he is truly genuine then he will make the effort to stand up for his rights if any or he may just say to hard and walk away...but until court orders are in place I wouldn't allow access not even a verbal agreement as they are very hard to dispute in court as its hear say and neither of you maybe telling the truth that's when things get settled for you and it may not be the way you wish it to be...... So if you can seek advice and get the ball rolling best of luck in your decision.. cheers Chelle

Carla - posted on 04/26/2010

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In the eyes of the law,he has no rights as he has neglected you and the children. To the kids he will only be a stranger.Allowing him in ur life agen is going to add uncertainty to your future and the relationship u have built with your kids. I wouldnt allow him in my life as he has no love for those kids or he wudve tried to be a part of their lives at an earlier stage.Good Luck

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