My fiancee constantly makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/18/2013

Thanks ladies. Ack I'm still not sure what to do. Is it weird if I say his mom freaked out a little about me not being 100% happy and she did some heavy duty praying (because she is happy someone finally wants to be with her son) and he got a little better? We had a lot of fun working on our new house this weekend... and he got sick so I took care of him and he got better.

A big part of the reason why I want to see if things get better is because of our current living situation. I have been living back and forth between my mom's place and his, but he has a room mate and the room mate complains about my daughter throwing fits at night (she has night terrors and hates going to bed) so that makes my fiancee mad because even though the room mate complains I stand firm and say "Well I'm his fiancee so I am staying, it's stupid and gay that 33 year old men live together."... that usually causes some issues when I say things like that. He promised me things would get better once we are in our house and I told him if they are not better after month of living there I am out for good. I have been reaching out to some friends and I've found out that single women don't mind living with their girl friends even if they have kids. It will all be okay. It even relieves some of the tension in the relationship when I'm not subconsciously acting like I am stuck.

Liz - posted on 02/15/2013

Oh, as an addendum, I can promise you that not all men are like that. There are many unbelievably lovely men out there. I finally married one! :D

Liz - posted on 02/15/2013

He sounds exactly like the type who would exploit your hope that he will turn out to be someone nicer than he actually is. Honey, if his friends are telling you that he's usually 'worse' then please, take their word for it. You don't want to be in a marriage where you're treated like dirt and put up with it only because it's hard to leave: that's a horrendous example to set for your daughter. Besides, in a marriage or relationship like that, it invariably gets worse - I know, because I've been there and also seen too much fallout happen to other people when they have experienced similar.

You're unique and special. You don't deserve to be with someone who is just about ok if they're not belittling you. You deserve to be with someone who adores you. Life's too short to settle.

Dove - posted on 02/15/2013

Yeah, that's definitely not me. I'm a stay at home mom.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/15/2013

Well... That's why my parents are divorced. I think my mom is bipolar, sometimes she is really sweet and dotes on me and tells me she will always support me (but that is because I somehow manage to help her financially by giving her $400 a month, see where that may make a problem in my relationship?) Other times... when I am actually around my mom she just tells me everything I do wrong which always pertains to me not cleaning up after my daughter immediately after a mess is made, why? Because I feel that I should let her play and then assist me in the cleaning up so that she knows the consequences of making a huge mess are cleaning up the mess when you're done playing.

Anyway... yeah if my fiancee were any other guy I would probably leave him in a heart beat but I am still holding out for hope. It's so stupid I know and if I weren't conflicted I wouldn't be on this site asking for advice. The sad thing is that the women in his family believe that is just how men are and the only "male" they can fully trust and love is God. I am sorry, I love the Lord, and believe He is always with me, but I need a loving companion here on earth and it is not okay to be treated like I've always done something wrong. Dove, you truly are very awesome. I just hope you're not the same Dove that works with my fiancee! I think you have responded my conversations before and I was worried about that. Dove is not a very common name, it's very beautiful, but very rare.

Dove - posted on 02/15/2013

Well... it's your life and your choice. The only way he is going to realize that it's not ok for him to treat you that way is if you make him understand by not letting him treat you that way. I think I'd be cutting off contact with your mother and upping your counseling appointments though. What kind of mom tells her daughter that she's a mess instead of offering support, advice, and comfort?!

Elizabeth - posted on 02/15/2013

It's just not easy anymore. We have already combined so much of our lives together. It's so hard to get out. I have no place to go if I leave him. He knows all this so he knows he can say whatever he wants to me because I'm not going anywhere, but just to be really good and sure I won't go anywhere, he's making me sign a pre-nup. I know it sounds worse and worse but I see that he does try to a degree. His friends tell me he has been better since he's been with me, they claim he used to be much much worse and more temperamental. Last night he tried to be really sweet and he prayed for us and we cooked together. I just don't know!!! You're lending good advice, truly, sometimes people need a push and some extra strength to leave... I had the strength to leave my daughter's bio dad when I first found out I was pregnant.... because he left me no choice he said get an abortion or hit the road, but I truly do not have the strength to leave my fiancee. I just want him to know that just because he put a ring on my finger does not mean he can treat me whatever way. I still have feelings and he still has to try in our relationship.

I was convinced that women would tell me I am the problem and I need to grow up and change whatever is bothering him... My mom tells me all the time "I can see why he stays mad at your, you're a mess!"... and maybe I am a mess, but no more so than most of the other women I've met. No body is perfect and no body has a perfect life or does everything just perfectly.

Dove - posted on 02/15/2013

HE chose to buy you a car and one of his gripes with you is about money? Yeah... personally, I'd run from that.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/15/2013

Well this is going to make me sound like a materialistic gold digging diva, but he did buy me a car ( I had a perfectly good car but it was two door and he wanted me to have a 4 door), a very nice engagement ring and a house. However I always tell him it is never about the money he spends, he does that on his own, I would rather him be dirt poor, us struggle, and he show me all the love in the world. What I tell him all the time is that all I want after I put my daughter to bed is to be cuddled, kissed on forehead, and told I'm loved. It sounds crazy and childish I know... but it's all I want. Dang it now I am crying at work!

Elizabeth - posted on 02/15/2013

Is it possible for my mind and my heart to trick me? Like if I sit here saying to myself "I'm not in love with him," my heart starts pounding and little voice in my head "yes I am." What is that? Denial? I don't even know what is true anymore. My counselor tells me I just need to wait it out and practice coping with my own emotions to see what happens with the relationship. What if I do leave him and I miss out on something great? I can see myself having the life I've always wanted with him but it has just been really bad recently. I guess I have in my mind, the old us, and hope that the old us will come back. I feel like I have to consider that career stress and the stress of co-parenting when I had a single mom mind set is affecting things to. The top things he gets mad at me for 1. Money 2. Trying to do too many things on my own without asking for help and failing 3. Not doing enough around the house because he is better at it than I am and I have Sjogren's Syndrom and PND so sometimes can't function, and 4. Just not being done with school yet.

Dove - posted on 02/15/2013

If you are meant to be.... waiting a while won't change that.

If you are meant to be.... both of you would be willing to do whatever it takes to have a healthy relationship and it doesn't sound like he's willing to do his part at all.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/15/2013

Dove- This is going to sound very immature, but it feels like we are meant to be. We broke up for a while a little over a year ago, and then he talked about me with all his family and friends and basically concluded he could not be without me. So we got back together. He decided very early on after that that I was the one he was going to marry. I know it can be frustrating for him sometimes, but I can't see why he is even with me. I am nine years younger than him, still in college, make $12 an hour as a document control specialist, and come with a child he has basically had to take on as his own because her father is no where in the picture, and he basically has to helps us out financially because I can't raise a child alone on what I make. I thought I would be making more money by now but every time I ask for a raise my employer says they can't afford it yet. That is one of our biggest problems, what a financial burden I am and how I don't have Bachelor's degree yet.

I have been going to counseling, I just wish he could get the nerve to come with me or find his own counselor, or even admit that he needs it too.

Dove - posted on 02/15/2013

Don't marry him. Not unless you both get some counseling. You are right. You do have a little girl to think about.... Do you want her to think it is ok for a man to talk to her the way he talks to you? If you marry him like this.... that is exactly what she will grow up knowing and believing.

It is NOT your job to make him happy. You be yourself and if he isn't happy with that.... You aren't the problem. It's either HIM with the problem... or a relationship that isn't meant to be.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/15/2013

Thank you Liz H! I'm afraid you might be right, but I've actually made the mistake of talking with his sister about this and she told me to just give it some time... I know we are both stressed about many thing but it doesn't give him an excuse to be on my case about everything, he needs to worry about himself and what he has going on, not everything I do. It's also not that I can't talk to him about, he told me he sees that I am trying... I don't know what to do... my dad has already paid for almost everything for the wedding. I have thought about what life would be like it I left him, but I don't like it. I don't want to go through dating anymore, especially since I have a little girl to think about, and I don't want to know of him dating anyone else. I think we both have our problems to work out, but I just need more ladies to talk to in my life. He wasn't like this when we met, so how could he have changed so much after a year and a half? What if I changed and not him? I could actually be the problem... :(

Liz - posted on 02/15/2013

It doesn't sound to me as if the problem is with you not making him happy, so much as him being a jerk who is making you UNhappy.

If that's how he makes you feel and you don't think you can talk to him about it then I'm afraid that he's not the right guy for you. Please don't go ahead with any kind of wedding unless/until you can resolve this and be happy, because a wedding will not fix anything and possibly just make things worse.

If you think you can address this by talking to him about it, then I wish you the best of luck.