My husband and I are arguing constantly. He refuses to be intimate with me

Shelly - posted on 11/16/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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., and hasn't since I was 6 months pregnant. He sleeps on the couch. Whenever I try to talk to him about sex he gets defensive and disinterested and walks away. We have seen 3 different therapists, and none of them have worked. I feel like I keep trying to make things work, but he doesn't put any effort into it. He is always asking me for money and is way behind on all of his payments, I give him over $1000 every month but that is not enough. One time right after having our daughter (while still in the hospital) he brought me up a surprise ring and I didn't know what to say. The next day he asked me for money to pay the mortgage. Now he is behind on payments and I don't know why because I have always helped him out financially. He does use an illegal substance, but I don't think that would cost that much, and I have asked him to quit, but he goes behind my back to continue to do it, even asks his best friend's ex to get it for him.



I have found out one of the reasons he is not interested in having sex is becausehe is looking at pornography. He says all men look at it, but I feel like it is cheating when he refuses to even sleep in the same bed as me. I feel like all he wants me for is to help him financially (pay his bills he had before we met) and he doesn't want to give up or share visitations with his daughter (our daughter).

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Dove - posted on 11/17/2012

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Tell him you will pay his bills directly or he can deal with it himself. If you are paying more than 50% of his bills/debt.... you'd be financially better off divorced. Sounds like emotionally too.



If you have evidence of his illegal substance use... he will end up being the only loser if he doesn't straighten up. Your daughter would be better off not being raised in that environment and you wouldn't be responsible for paying off so much. He wouldn't end up with custody and possibly would only be able to get supervised visits.



Just the thought of that might get his butt in gear... IF you'd actually be willing to go through with it though.



And just an FYI.. if someone else reports his illegal substance use it is 'possible' that you could both lose custody of your daughter.

Jodi - posted on 11/16/2012

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I'm a little confused. He is your husband and you are "helping him out financially"? It doesn't sound to me like you are actually a *team*. When you marry someone, you need to be a team. To me, you sound like the parent in the relationship. As in, his parent. This is never going to work. I will be blatantly honest, his disinterest in having sex with you has nothing to do with his pornography. If you are arguing about things all the time, you are talking about "visitations" or sharing his daughter....your relationship confuses the heck out of me. How is it that a husband has to share visitations with your children? I don't get it. Maybe he is confused by your relationship too.

Denikka - posted on 11/16/2012

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I think you know what you need to do. Dump the bum.

You're giving him a free ride. You said it yourself. He's just staying to make things easier on himself. You pay his bills and he gets to be a dad when he wants to. Why would he WANT to change, he's got it good as things are.



I was originally thinking that it could just be that he's switched into seeing you in *mommy mode*, which can be a bit of a turn off for some guys. Instead of *sexy wife*, you've become *milk machine for baby*.

But after reading what else you had to say, I think this guy is just stringing you along. It'll be hard, but get out while you can. If you're supporting him too, you can obviously take care of yourself :) Drop the dead weight. You deserve so much better.

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Shelly - posted on 11/17/2012

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He will only accept payments from me if I write Him a chekc and he depsits it. Heis apprehensive about me paying his bills direcly. He doesn't even want to have a joint bank account unless it is with my bank account. No there are no talks about visitations rights as of yet. but if i were to move out he would freak out because he DOES NOT want his daugther to beTAKEN away from him, hence living in another place. DOes that make sense? Yes I got a part Time job to help pay for everything. I am not paying my own Credit card bills which I know sounds so irresponsbilie and it is, but I want to make sure we get him out of debt.

Dove - posted on 11/16/2012

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I'm confused too. Instead of giving him money to pay the bills why don't you pay the bills?

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