my husband and my daughter

Ann - posted on 09/13/2012 ( 101 moms have responded )

9

0

0

My daughter told me two days ago that my husband , her stepfather, had had an affair when she was 13 . She is now an adult . She has been in therapy for two years to deal with her depression . My daughter used to cut herself with razors and was acting out in a very sexual way. My daughter explained that she was taking her anger out on me. My husband says she used to beg him to have sex with her and he was the one who was taken advantage of. As it turns out , my husbands brother stayed with us for about a year and in this time she had sex with him . I feel like i have been hit by a truck . My daughers husband and her doctor told her she needed to tell me................. nine years later.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Mw - posted on 09/13/2012

9

0

3

your husband and his brother raped your daughter. there is no consent, or amount of manipulation that can justify sex between a 13 year old and adult. you need to report this.

Christine - posted on 09/13/2012

113

42

3

First, support and encourage your daughter to stand up for herself. It sounds to me like she's tried to take control of the situation by claiming she was responsible for this, but it's really just a little girl desperately trying not to feel like a victim. She needs to report both your husband and his brother. They are rapists and child molesters. I'm sorry to be blunt, but this isn't the time or situation to be nitpicking at words. Your husband's excuse that SHE seduced him is a sick, messed up man's way of trying to "right" a situation that he knows very well is wrong. If you have any doubts about what I'm saying, look at how your daughter turned out. She's in therapy. She was very promiscuous from a very young age. She physically assaulted herself. NONE of this behavior is normal, and it is 100% your husband and brother-in-law's faults. YOU need to focus on who the real victim is in the situation, which is your daughter. What if she came and told you that a neighbor and his brother did this to her at the same age and over the same time frame? Would you even hesitate to seek out justice and make them pay? You are allowing your love for your husband to blind you to the truth. He was a monster who preyed on your little girl and deserves every bit of everything that is coming to him. Do not protect him. You need to protect your little girl who is apparently still feeling shame for a situation she didn't create, but she has convinced herself she has. Why else would she not want the proper authorities contacted? My heart goes out to you. I have three daughters. They are my world, and I am like a Mama Bear when it comes to them. My husband now is not the biological father of my oldest. If he DARED touch her in anyway like you've described...let's just say I'd save the taxpayers a lot of time and money. I pray for healing for you and your daughter as you both have a very long road to travel. I also pray that justice is eventually dealt to your husband and brother-in-law who saw no problems on preying on a young girl and caused her so many issues that have scarred her into adulthood.

Julianne - posted on 09/14/2012

130

0

56

He didn't "have an affair". He raped your daughter. So did his brother. I would have him charged.

Sally - posted on 09/14/2012

963

14

8

Leave him immediately. He and his brother raped your daughter. Even if she did "lead them on", she was a child and they were not. Real men would have come to you to get her help instead of raping her. Check the statute of limitations on sex crimes in your state. It may be too late to get them in legal trouble, but you have to try if only to protect any other children they come into contact with.

Dove - posted on 09/13/2012

6,204

0

1337

Wow! I would leave him and never look back. I would also strongly encourage your daughter to report it to the police. Granted, she's an adult now and it really is her call, but I would still try to encourage her to report both him and his brother. I would still stand by her whether she reports it or not. She needs to know you stand by her and leaving your husband is one of the ways you can do that. If you stay with him it will be like telling her you think it was ok for him to do that.... and that will destroy her even more.



I'm so glad that she is in counseling and that she finally told you. I'm so sorry!! :( ♥

This conversation has been closed to further comments

101 Comments

View replies by

Audrey - posted on 05/21/2013

6

0

0

Right now your daughter needs your love and support, it is so heart wrenching to think that anyone could do that to a child. I don't care what that snake of a husband has told you, I hope you hit him upside the head with a frying pan! Taken advantage of?! What a load of horse poo! He was a grown men with a wife, if he had "needed" sex then he should have gone to you not your CHILD. This is a situation that was almost a reality for my daughter and the fact that yours is reaching out to you now (even if it is nine years later) means she still needs you to be there for her. My heart goes out to you and I truly hope you and your baby can make a mends. Your husband (I'm hoping soon to be ex) has no excuse, I don't care how many time she might have thrown herself at him, if he had been honest or a real man than he would have told you what she was doing instead of defiling her the way he did. HE HAS NO EXCUSE!

Veronica - posted on 10/23/2012

17

1

2

i feel very sorry for both of you...this is so sick and tormenting and painful! i guess you also need counseling

Stephania Van - posted on 10/22/2012

12

0

1

i went through being molested when i ws a child by the 5 neighbor boys. they told me not to tell and if i did i would gt in trouble... thing is theywas right.

looking back i wasnt clear, and my parents got mad and yelled at me cause i was just causing trouble. they idnt actualy hit me, i was just being the bratt.

they never took the time to listen to me

i started skiping school and to cut to the chase my moms last words to me, was how angery she was cause i didnt let her finish collage. i kept skipping because couldnt let her be happy and let hr have any thing.she was chosing her happiness, again, over me and mine.

she never knew i was skipping because we had oved back to same place and was happeningagain, and whats more she never cared enough to ask.

be glad that she told you now. i never got to tell mom that it wasnt her happiness i was trying to ruin.it was my sanity i was trying to save. time to move onward and up ward.

she is probably imbarsed. i was. but if you canconvince her to let you, together tell another...

when she sees that that person isnt revolted, shecan take another step. tell another person if she so chooses. the main hing is your support and love, uncondentionaly.(not sayig you put coditions on it, but is only as compleat answer as i cn gve)

what you have to ask yourself here is, who is more important.

the ahole whome raped her and now is trying to justify himself, or the baby girl whom is inside of your gown daughtr askin you to choose her..

because no matter what her dr begged her to do she wouldnt of told you if she didnt want to... now she is asking you not to reject her.

Erin Elizabeth - posted on 10/21/2012

5

0

1

When I was thirteen, my brother-in-law had done something similar to me. I had a cutting problem and was even in the hospital multiple times for such things. I've learned to just push passed it as best I can. My sister at the time didn't believe any of it had happened. She thought I was lying! But the rest of my family knew... So, with that being said, I'd also like to stress to you that no matter what the men say, they were older and knew what they were doing. They knew better! Everything will eventually work out the way it all needs to. Til then, stay strong and stick with what feels right to you. ♥

Nadine - posted on 10/20/2012

6

0

0

Ann, I disagree somewhat, I believe whole heartedly that BOTH you and your daughter have been victimized by two adults you trusted completely. Do not take to heart harsh, hurtful or hateful words that are being posted and you certainly have NO need to explain yourself to any of us. It is a shame that there are those who for whatever reason cannot be supportive in this, but that is their problem not yours. I know my posts are quite a bit after the fact but I just joined today. I truly hope that you don't allow anything said here to dissuade you from continuing to use this site as a resource whenever you need it.

Nadine - posted on 10/20/2012

6

0

0

Amanda, I understand where you're coming from but let me offer a couple of thoughts. If Ann only wanted prayer there would be no need to tell us anything more than "Please pray for me and my daughter as we are going through a difficult time." Or something to that affect. That is not what Ann did, she sought out guidance through a forum that she felt safe enough in to do so. For the most part, & not just my part, what I have read is advice, not orders. They are our thoughts on the subject for Ann to mull over and accept or reject in part or in whole. I agree that there is the odd "voice" that has stepped beyond that but again Ann is not being forced to listen to them. Yes, she and her daughter are in need of ongoing prayer and they have mine, but the Lord expects us to guide and edify one another. Nonetheless I hope everyone here holds them up in prayer.

Nadine - posted on 10/20/2012

6

0

0

Ann, again my heart goes out to you and your daughter. There is a reason why, regardless of what state you live in, there is a minimum age for consentual sex. Before that age you do not have the necessary life experience to fully comprehend the ramifications of your actions. It does NOT matter what your daughter did, her stepfather sexually assaulted her. That is a legal term to cover a wide range of actions because people thought that rape meant one thing and one thing only and it doesn't. I expect that you are carrying quite a bit of guilt over this as well, you need to understand that this is the fault of the two men who raped your daughter. It is not her fault and it is not your fault (because I'm assuming you didn't know what was going on). If the man had said to you, when he proposed to you, "and by the way when you say yes to marrying me you are also agreeing to allow me and my brother to rape your daughter" you would never have said yes. That is also the answer to whether or not you stay with him now. If you would not have married him knowing that he and his brother would sexually assault your daughter then why on earth would you stay with now that they have done it? Again, you and your daughter are in my prayers & I agree with the woman who said you have a long road ahead, you do, but God can get you through it.

Nadine - posted on 10/20/2012

6

0

0

Amija, I hope you posted that in the heat of the moment. |What gives you the right to stand in judgment of Ann. You are right in saying you don't know her, and all you know about the situation is what Ann posted so you have no grounds to be telling her what type of a mother she is or that she shouldn't be one. Her daughter needs a lot of love and support right now but so to does Ann. As they say hindsight is 20/20 and I'm sure if Ann could go back she might have questioned her daughter strenuously when her actions became out of character. However that doesn't mean her daughter would have told her. Abusers often use threats to protect themselves from being found out and when you are in the position where your abuser is also the person who is the head of your home it makes it even more difficult to stand up against them. I would hope that you give more thought to what you posted and the hurtful/hateful words you said to Ann who is also a victim in this.

Nadine - posted on 10/20/2012

6

0

0

My heart goes out to you both. First and most importantly you need to believe your daughter and let her know you believe her. It is up to her, now that she is an adult, to decide who she does and doesn't want to know and when. You may want to suggest to her that she think about taking this further, she may not be their only victims and her taking court action could prevent new victims. That being said I'm hoping that if you haven't already left your husband you are in the midst of plans to do so.Your husband raped your daughter and he's trying to make out that the child is to blame. Come on, I know this must be the most anguishing situation you have, and hopefully ever will be in, but you need to step up to the plate here. Your daughter needs for you to take action, just because she is grown with her own husband and no longer a potential victim doesn't mean she doesn't need for you to take some of the steps that would have been expected if she'd told you at the time. It's up to her now whether or not she takes court action but it is up to you to remove this rapist/pedophile from your home.

By the way, I'm not just spouting here, I understand where she's coming from. You will both be in my prayers,

Nadine

Donna - posted on 10/19/2012

4

0

0

My daughter was molested by her step father, she didn't tell me, I as a mother sensed something, I went to the school canceler and told her what I suspected , that morning, and about 4 hours later the police called me, and told me my daughter told the school canceler the truth, with my suspensions I had asked my daughter if he had touched her, and she always told me no! like I was crazy, but she finally confided in school... I went home and beat the crap out of him, and had his ass hauled away.... Please believe your kids always with this... and If they don't say anything, just watch actions in the kids.. my daughter was really mean to me, Now we have a wonderful relationship .

Anna - posted on 10/19/2012

8

0

0

Oh Ann.... I am so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine what you are going through, but you have to now think about your daughter and what she has and is still going through. I do not want to tell you what to do in your marriage, but I would like you to look at the situation as future planning for your daughter's future kids (if she doesn't have any). Your husband has done this to your daughter and his brother has done that to your daughter. When your grandkids get older will your husband do it to them? Will his brother? Is that someone you want to live your life with? Some one who you can't trust and who raped your daughter in her teenage years? What advice would you give your daughter if this situation was to happen to your grandchild and her stepfather? Think about it and please make the best decision. This situation has happened to my cousin and her step-father, and my aunt decided to stay with him. My cousin has 2 daughters and my doesn't get to see them because my cousin won't bring them around. My cousin didn't tell anyone till later in her 20's but she goes through depression and her kids suffer because my cousin can't love her kids as she should because of her childhood.

Amija - posted on 10/19/2012

2

0

0

Just reading this turns my stomach. He was taken advantage of? He only fondled her? Your husband is a sick man. Is he worth your daughters sanity? You have some work to do to make up for what he did to her. As a mother, I'd want to fix it. As a wife, I'd be sick laying in bed next to a man who had sex with my daughter! He disgusts me and I don't even know him. You disgust me and I don't even know you. Your daughter was molested by your husband and his brother. The way you phrased your story tells me that you are siding with your husband. You don't deserve to be a mother.

Cathy - posted on 10/18/2012

8

21

0

Oh I feel so so sorry for her! I know how she feels! It is so hard to live with. I too was sexually assaulted by my step father from the age of 12 to age 15. He told me that if I told anyone he would deny it! I knew he was right! My mom had married him when I was 6 and they had a child when I was 9. Needless to say my half sister was the light of my mom's life and she slept in the bed with them every night and no matter what I did it was always wrong! I am very angry to this day with my mom, my step dad passed away in May. I still feel like she knew and chose to look the other way. I wanted to tell her so very bad but, knew she would believe him! I wanted so bad to ask my "dad" why he did this to me so many yrs ago but, didn't get a chance. The night of visitation at the funeral home I slipped a letter into the coffin with him. I felt so much better knowing that he took to his grave the letter letting him know what he had done to me and how it had effected my life. I am 52 yrs old now. Only one other person in this world knows about this. It is a horrible secret to keep! I am so glad she told you and maybe she can get past the feeling that she did something to cause this to happen to her. I still have not been able to forgive him. What's sad is I couldn't cry at his funeral and still haven't shed a tear! Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a mother!

Hollie - posted on 10/18/2012

10

0

0

first of all he should be your soon to be ex husband. at 13 years old she wasnt old enough to consent. there is no way he is the victim. he should be in jail along with his brother. i kind of know how you feel. my father inlaw attempted to sleep with my 17 yr old daughter. his step grand daughter. i completely went off. i couldnt press charges because she is 17 which is considered of age here. but neither i nor my husband has spoken to him since it happened. hes lucky im allowing him to breath after what he did.

Susan - posted on 10/17/2012

3

0

0

Ann, you say that you came here for help. Good. June Reister's post and many others, like the first one from Mary Loperare are right on target.

This is not a "man" you are married to, this is a monster. He has ripped your daughter's heart from her, and as the evil monster he is, has torn her soul too. There is no cure for him. He should do the world a favor and go hang himself.

It is a good thing that you have not murdered this sob; as you would be in jail.

You need to, as they say, "own" this tragedy.

Until you can, with all honesty, say that you had no clue, no thought, no idea that this a going on in your home.....

Where were you? Your daughter needs to know why you failed to protect her. That will be one of the major steps in her healing process. She must understand this or you are of no help to her at all.

So, where were you?

Robyn - posted on 10/17/2012

23

0

1

If you seriously go through all of these comments that others have made you will see we ALL feel the same way

. #1 get rid of child molester AKA HUSBAND

#2 get therapy for you and your daughter

#3 make sure from a legal stand point that this is reported to the police

#4 protect you and your daughter and start the healing process she was a child and is still your baby girl, he IS and WAS a grown man fully aware of what he was doing and the inmorality of these actions, make him accountable! this will help the both of you heal and move forward

Susan - posted on 10/16/2012

3

0

0

Oh NO. 13 year old little girls do not have "affairs" with grown men; especially their step-fathers. This child was "sexually abused!"

The "cutting," or self-injury is a common coping method. Your little girl, your daughter was in such pain that cutting was her only means of relieving the pain. She did not have the "tools" to deal with the rapes/sexual abuse. The most recent numbers were released last month; one in four girls before the age of 18 in America have been exually abused. The common myth is that this only happens among the so called poor and uneducated. It could not be more wrong; doctors, lawyers, army generals, have all been found guilty of child sexual abuse.

You too need help.

The best people that I have found in America who are really helping the children with so many different issues from this to ADHD is Focus Adolescent Services. They have a fantastic and informative web site. They have probably saved millions of children. Check into them, perhaps they can help you and all others. Support their work.

Julie - posted on 10/16/2012

3

0

0

regardless of whether your daughter begged on her knees, he is an abuser so it does not surprise me that your daughter suffered with depression, regardless of whether, she had sex with every male she is a victim not an offender You daughter needs her mum to believe & support her You are also a victim. These kind of predator males will often be either members of the family or close friends they will often target a single mum with children. the children are often at the age of puberty going through All the emotional & hormone shift normal for puberty. They have no life experience or little. They befriend the mother to get to the child they are crafty secretive butter wouldn't melt in their mouths My Gran used to say if a man is to good to be true thats because he is too good to be true run and don't look back.

I have been a mother of a victim and a victim in my life it affect every section of your life. Your ability to form relationships with a life partner your confidence and self esteem please give your daughter the love and support she needs and make sure this predator does not do it again no matter who they are.

VALEENE - posted on 10/15/2012

8

0

0

Hi Ann personally i feel that as individuals we all dont think the same i would confront my husband and end my marrige.I know that this would be a great step in my life coz that life that you where living was a lie.Some men think that they can do just what they want with our kids.Memories are memories if it hurt you in the past it will surely affect you future

Janine - posted on 10/13/2012

1

0

0

You need to report this, you do not know who else the brother or him are doing this too. You might not have been able to help your child when it was happening, but you can prevent them from doing this to others. Once a rapist/ pedophile they would always be one. Save others

Jacqueline - posted on 10/12/2012

3

0

1

A 13 year old having an affair with a grown man? REALLY?! I pray you didnt choose to believe your husbands side of the story over your own daughters. Think about it, she was 13, do you really think she would choose to willingly be with your husband. She cut herself and took her anger out because she was more than likely raped, theres really no other reasonable explanation. All in all the decision is yours, but its pretty obvious your husband is a monster and now your daughter is suffering the consequences.

[deleted account]

First of all you need to get rid of the S.O.B who did this to your daughter and also his disgusting brother and I really, really hope that you lay charges on both of them!!! Your poor, poor daughter has been the victim in all of this. Seriously, think about it........what 13 year old would beg her 'old' stepdad for sex? Or anyone else for that matter!!! Her whole life has been warped by what has happened to her. What I think is really sad is that she feared telling you all those years. Men like them are nothing but animals and deserve to be treated as such. Your baby girl will never get those childhood years back again. Please be compassionate and think only of her and what a horrific existence she has had. I really believe that you feel like you have been hit by a truck, you must feel terrible. She NEEDS you sooooo badly. God bless her.

Shanna - posted on 10/11/2012

6

0

2

I agree that prayer is definately a must. That being said, I do not agree with divorce, but in some situations such as this it may be necessary (or at least a term sepration). He should have never done that, no matter what. First I do not believe she came on to him, and even if she did, she was a child that knew nothing about what she was doing but he did know he was wrong since this whole thing was kept as a secret for 9 years.

The reason that separation may be necessary is because your daughter is healing and needs her mom. Staying in a relationship with this man may send her the wrong message that you do not care about her enough. I am not saying this is true, but in that state of mind...think how you might feel if you were in her shoes and knew your mother was still around the man. It is ultimately a decision for you, no judgements either way. I will keep you in my prayers.

Amanda - posted on 10/08/2012

1

0

0

I think instead of everyone jumping in and telling this young family what they should do, Why not tell them that you will pray for them and if you don't pray find someone that does and tell them you know someone who is going through a hard situation and they need prayer. It's not our job to tell her business to anyone outside this website and not our job to tell them what to do. To the woman and her family, I am VERY sorry for what is has and is going on and I will indeed be praying for you.

Victoria - posted on 10/08/2012

1

0

0

Imagine if you were reading this story from the outside, if you were were one of the other Mum's reading it here. What would you think? What would you do?

There are grey areas in life but some things are just wrong and sex with a child is wrong.

You poor poor thing - you must be heartbroken! Take care of yourself. x

Darlene - posted on 10/07/2012

1

0

0

I'm sorry but I would have to leave him. Your daughter was 13 years old and he and his brother were grown azz men who knew better no matter what her mental or psycological state was. What he should have done was reject her and then tell you about it. That is what a grown responsible unperverted adult "MAN" would have done. Kids do have problems and don't know how to deal with them but he took advantage of that child and of you. If you stay how do you trust him? He is disgusting and so is his brother.

Nadasha - posted on 10/05/2012

1

0

0

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My sister was molested by our uncle when she was very young. We found out when she was older, but it screwed her up. Shes been to counseling, but I think it still affects her as far as trusting people and trying to open up. I hate that bastard of an uncle of ours, but she doesnt want to say anything. Sometimes I want to tell the people in my family that praise that bastard what kind of sick person he is, but I know those people all too well to know there would be no support. What a shame, right? People in my culture (or most of the ones I know) are all in denial that something like that could ever happen, but it does and I assure you it happens often, but its sad that these young girls have no real support and the ones that do speak up are looked at like liars and sluts. I will pray for you and your daughter for the strength you need to get through this. I wish you all the best.

Julie - posted on 10/05/2012

6

0

0

While I too think this should be reported to the police, I 100% believe it is up to the daughter to decide that, not the mother. If the daughter were a minor, I would say the mother makes the final decision. However, since the daughter is an adult, it is up to her as to whether she wants the police involved. I think if the mother were to not listen to the daughter's wishes & go ahead & report it, it would be yet another betrayal. The daughter might not be emotionally strong enough to deal with a police case at this time. If I were her mother, I would encourage her to report it to the police but I would tell my daughter that it is up to her & I support her decision no matter what.

Also, DIVORCE THE CREEP. ASAP.

Elle - posted on 10/04/2012

2

0

0

God Mary Loper, chill. A sudden disclosure like this is shattering to the entire family. Yes, the mom has been victimized too. How can you join a group like "Circle of Moms" which implies support for other moms, and then blame the mom for not doing enough? Ann, please get some real-life support from a counselor too, and ignore the haters.

Elle - posted on 10/04/2012

2

0

0

Still needs to be reported, especially if other kids could be harmed by these 2 men.

Rhonda - posted on 10/03/2012

6

0

1

I am so sorry to hear this. My stepdaughter was molested by her mothers boyfriend. We found out and told her mother. Her mother stated my stepdaughter is nothing but a liar and denied the whole situation. Our hands were tied. She never got the help she needed. Even though it is nine years later, you should be glad your daughter became strong enough to tell you. I am also glad that you didn't deny the situation. Now you have to sort out what you are going to do. Obviously, you will never be able to trust your husband again. He, like everyone else in the world, has a choice to make. If your daughter was "taking advantage" of him why did he not come and tell you? He had more strength then a 13 year old female so you shouldn't believe his web of lies. You also need to make sure your daughter feels that she should be able to come to you no matter what more now than ever. You can't dwell on the fact that she didn't tell you when it happened. That is out of your hands now. No matter how long you and your husband has been together could you honestly be in the same house with someone that has done this to your child? In his mind he is probably trying to justify what he has done. There is no justification for what he has done. I am so sorry that your in this situation. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Myrna - posted on 10/03/2012

1

0

0

I hold him accountable as an adult she was a child who wasthese very vulnorable. She was an innocent child who needed his guidiance in the right way Whether he was Godly or not. He violated her trust. He needs to be held responsible for his actions.

Kelly - posted on 09/21/2012

6

16

0

i feel the same way you do.that is bs and they can still be put in jail over it

Anna - posted on 09/20/2012

3

0

0

Ann

I am so sorry for what your going through , the betrayal and trust you had for your husband.

Diana - posted on 09/17/2012

109

0

0

I read more of your comments and want to say that as a mom, my heart goes out to you.



Please understand that people who do these sort of things are predators. They do things intentionally to keep from being caught. That includes threatening their victims with things like hurting them or their family members. Their goal is not be caught & they will lie, cheat, and steal to make sure that they don't. The only reason he is crying is because he was caught. When he did these things to her, he was certainly very careful to be sure that you wouldn't find out. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing because he made sure you wouldn't.



I can't imagine the feelings of hurt and betrayal that you are going through and I commend you for being able to make a difficult and painful decision to end things with him. Not all women are able to do that even though it seems like it would be an easy decision to make. Be kind to yourself. How would you have guessed that you should have to protect your daughter from someone who was supposed to help protect her? Going to therapy with your daughter is a great idea, but you may also want to consider going separately for just yourself as well. You are going to have feelings that you will need to work through that you may not want to share with your friends or family.



God bless you. ~hugs~

Holly - posted on 09/17/2012

32

3

0

I would like to, from experience, put in that not all molesters have of being abused. Some of the qualities I found when I looked into it are:



seeing others as a "means" or avenue to get something they want

lack of empathy for others

lack of self control

belief that they are better than others

refusing to take responsibility for their choices

having unregulated/disordered sexual desires/practices (like voyeurism/chronic masturbation, etc.)

impulsiveness

lying to make themselves look better to others



My ex was NEVER sexually abused but his parents thought he was perfect... & so did he! He took a psychology profile in which it stated he had no sexual attraction to anyone (do we think he LIED on the test!) & that he had a 60% chance of lying to make himself look good...



Molesters also set aside special alone time/interests (like bedtime ritual) with children to isolate the kid from other parent/friends, etc.

Joy - posted on 09/17/2012

3

0

0

This is a terrible situation to have to deal with, but it is real. File charges against your husband & his brother they both molested your daughter and that is disgusting. Divorce him! If she was crying out for help do you really think two grown men thought that sex would put her on the right path. He should have been a father-figure for her and correct any negative behavior she displayed. He should have loved and guided her in the right direction not have sex with her for his own self-gratification. Anything he says is meaningless and bull! He & his brother knew what they were doing and that was taking advantage of a child. Her bad behavior at the time was the smoke screen they used to ensure that you would never find out about it because she was bad and no one would believe her over them anyway right (Disgusting!). You and your daughter need to enter therapy to deal with this and your mother-daughter relationship because it is damaged and seems to have been that way long before this incident occurred. It is not too late for you two. Forgive her she was a child/teen acting out in a horrific way, but I don't believe she deserved what happened to her no matter what she did or said. If you reject her now a healthy relationship with your daughter, son-n-law and any future grandchildren is over. It is never too late for a new beginning, but the first step is forgiveness and caring enough to try to obtain peace from broken pieces. This phrase is a book title written by inspirational speaker and relationship therapist Iyanla Vanzant "Peace from broken pieces". I read this book and she speaks of her own experience with molestation by an uncle and beatings she suffered at the hands of her grandmother and father. Her journey through life holding on to those memories and how she learned to cope, grow and find peace in life. It is a comforting read and eye opener. Please seek counseling and therapy with your daughter to begin healing. Although it is nine years later and your daughter is 22 yrs. old inside she is stuck as that 13 year old little girl, but she has to learn how to move forward and grow into the woman that she is. You two can help, grow together and love & support each other. Peace to you both I will keep you in my prayers.

Diana - posted on 09/17/2012

109

0

0

First & foremost if your daughter had sex with her stepdad, it was not an affair it was child molestation. My sister was molested from the time she was 4 until she was 16 by one of my mother's boyfriends. As the adult it was his job to say "NO" regardless of how much she "begged" him. That is one of the most common excuses molesters use once they are caught. The fact that your daughter used to cut herself & acted out sexually was her way of crying out for help. A 13-yr-old might like boys, but in the natural course of things the idea of sex is usually still "icky" at that age. If both your husband & his brother did this to her alarm bells should be ringing in your head. Clearly something happened to both of them growing up as well that they would choose to do this to your child. I'm not suggesting that you would have known about it, but in hindsight you may be able to understand behavior that may have seemed puzzling before. My sister is now 33 & is still suffering from what happened to her. Just because they grow up and have families of their own doesn't mean that they do not continue to be haunted by their experiences. Naturally, she would need to tell you. Your daughter is now married. What if she has children and you are still with him? Do you think that she would feel safe leaving her children at your house? How hurt would you be by not knowing why she would refuse to let you do things with your grandchildren or have them over at your home?

Holly - posted on 09/16/2012

32

3

0

My ex did the same thing. He started molesting our adopted daughter heaven knows when, but I found out later (from his ex girlfriend who reported him) that he began raping her when she was 16 or 17 (grooming behavior started before that though). The ex girlfriend made a transcript but I never got to see it so she really knows more of the details than I do. I found out from our daughter 3-4 yrs after the rape started (I consider it rape due to her age, even after she was 18, and because she had a previous history of sexual abuse by men as a young child). We had a very young son (10 months) when he began raping our adopted girl & had a 14 month old daughter when I left him (which was the age she was when I found out). Of course you feel sick, hurt, deceived, etc. My ex and I did not have an amazing or loving marriage; he was too selfish. He was the only lover I had ever had & we began dating when I was 16 (I met him when I was 15). The situation you find yourself in is far more cruel. As I suggested in one of my first posts, use exercise (walking, whatever) to help you work through your anger & feelings. Find a friend to confide in who you can speak openly to; you are right not to make your daughter feel bad for "ruining your marriage" (your ex is to blame not her). It took me 3 months to tell one of my closest friends & about a year before I had confided to my kids' godparents (I needed to for my children's safety since he is allowed no contact). You need someone to talk to, especially someone who has time. I had a dear friend talk to me at night till I could fall asleep because I had horrifying visuals of them when I was trying to fall asleep. I would become physically ill when I saw family who used to admire what a "good family" we were at my job... Don't be hard on yourself. You have a lot to process. It has taken me three years to be accepting of what happened. It may take you a while to not feel "stupid/tricked" because you did not see what was going on. Molesters are good at hiding it. Luckily my former sister-in-law is even closer to my kids & me now than before. She made me feel better because she did not see it either. Help your daughter, but get support for yourself too so you can heal! My thoughts are with you.

Lovette - posted on 09/16/2012

2

46

0

Just finished reading your post and a few comments. I have a 28 month old daughter and I don't trust anyone. My husband died of cancer when my daughter was 8 months old.I want my daughter to have a male role mode in her life but my job is to protect her first. It's so sad that we live in a time where a little girl is not safe in her own home. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. My only advice to you is to pray and ask GOD to order your steps.

Ann - posted on 09/15/2012

9

0

0

vMy daughter has taken proper actions ..her husband is in

Law enforcement . I guess at this point In. I don't ever

Show my daughter that I hurt for anyone but herut what

Do I do when I'm alone. When I'm home away from my daughter...

No one here but me. I feel like I have been kicked in the chest

It hurts to breathe. I was molested by my brother as a child from age 5

until I was 11. And I was so overprotective and yet my daughter

Is forever a victim and I didn't protect her. They are scum . Why do I hurt so much

I loved him. We had a very loving marriage. After .15 years

He gave me butterflies. Why would he stay so long in our marriage

Please give me advice.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms