my husband had an illegitimate child since 12 years agothrough an affair. I only found out about the child 2 years ago and now he want to bring the child home to be one of us and have even gone ahead to change the childs name behind my back. I have refused to welcome this child but he has insisted he would whether I like it or not. I depend on him financially since I cannot work because I'm sick. I cannot stop him from his continuous involvement in this childs life but I want to stop him from making this child a part of me & my chilidren's life starting from making sure he doesnt bring this child to our home. The child is currently living with her mum who is now married. How do I stop him legally if I can since I dont have a means

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Shawnn - posted on 01/02/2013

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Uche, you are never under "obligation" to have a relationship with ANYONE. But I have serious problems with someone who cannot find it in their heart to give a child love. ANY CHILD!!! And for an ADULT to actively encourage her own children to ostracize another child for circumstances that are so beyond the child's control is, IMO, the actions of a very heartless person.

Perhaps, just perhaps, the child has asked to live with her biological father because she's being sexually abused by the step? Perhaps it's physical abuse. Perhaps, the stepfather is acting towards the child the same way that you propose to act (no love, no acceptance, showing the child that she is worthless), and the child is seeking a more positive home life. Did you ever stop to think about that?

You say that you're sick and cannot financially care for your children as it stands, and if you leave now, you may lose custody of your own children...Lady, I have sympathy for the infidelity situation, and for your illness, but no other sympathy. You will not show compassion for another human that is not "your" blood. You will not teach your children how to show compassion, nor will you teach your children how to determine who is to blame for a situation (certainly not their half sister, by the way, and they need to learn how to be civil about the situation...)

I have known women (google senator John Kerry's wife) who, although terminally ill, STILL found it in their hearts to love a child, even though that child was a product of their husband's infidelity. I, myself, have 2 half siblings that my father hid (presented as "step" children, rather than his own flesh). I don't take my dislike out on them, they didn't have a choice in their births. The slut who slept with my father, and my father are to blame, but not my half siblings. Granted, I was already an adult when I found out about them, thus perhaps I was able to make a more mature decision.

R - posted on 11/03/2013

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So what about my feelings. I want my husband to choose between me and the unborn child. Now, before it goes too far. We have 4 children (25. 17, 11,10) He had an affair while being abroad for 3 months and now the girl is pregnant. I don't want this child to be part of our life- -not at all.
He admits it is not my fault. The time apart was too much for him. He admits to have made a terrible mistake.
Criticise as you like, I am hurt. My heart is in pieces! I love my husband and would like to work through this devastating time in our life. But I will not be able to live with this constant reminder of his affair.
I want him to sign of all rights to this child!
I don't want him to be part of the child's - or the mother's life.
What about me?
What about my feelings!!

Riri - posted on 06/20/2013

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People who have not been through this will always say a mouthful. I got married 4 years ago, after dating my husband for 4 years. Two years back a girl found me on a social network and told me she had been trying to locate my husband cos she had a one nyt stand with him and she has a 4 years old son. Did my husband know,myes he did...which is why we moved to a different city when about to get married. He gave her money for morning pills and she says she never thought she wud get pregnant from just that one night. As m writing, we have been to counseling and our doctors have even told us about a whole lot of other couples who just maintain their illegitimate kids and have no contact. I suggested that my husband goes and meet this child, i stayed in the car cos i just cudnt. We wrote the child a letter to be given to him when he turns 18 that he comes and visits us if he wants then we will tell him everything that happened. We put in money for his studies and stuff every month. I refuse to be called ol these names you have called Uche. I am doing what is best for my family n marriage and this is it. We cannot all be accepting of these situation in the same way. So many other children go through different challenges and we pray that this child grows up well and that he be well enough to live without my husband. I am not punishing him, but i am choosing to not strain myself as well unless if with time i heal completely enough to accept him into my family. That child is as innocent as i am, so no one should ever judge me for the way i am handling my misfortune.

Lakota - posted on 01/02/2013

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I don't think that Uche should take anything out on this kid either. I think she knows in her heart that this child isn't at fault.

That being said..............Uche has obviously been in an emotionally abusive marriage. Her husband had an affair with this other woman for over ten years and had a child with her too. No man that lives a lie like that and for that long treats his wife well in any way. She didn't find out about the affair or the child from her pig husband, she found out in a different way. Her husband would probably still be seeing this other women if this other women hadn't ended it. Her husband is still involved with this woman and obviously still has feelings about her. I don't know about all of you, but, I am not sure how I would act in this situation either. I wouldn't want to hurt the child in any way. But, it doesn't sound like her pig husband is giving her a choice about anything. He continues to throw it in her face by going to this woman's house for reasons other than to pick up the child. She has been forced to accept all of this with no consideration for her feelings. This situation would exhaust me emotionally. I can't say that I wouldn't concentrate on just me for a while either.

Dove - posted on 01/02/2013

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Abusive because I care about the emotional well being of your husband's child and fear that you will jeopardize it because of your obvious distaste for her? Yeah... ok then.

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Jodi - posted on 02/23/2014

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I'm sorry.....didn't the father ALSO make an irresponsible decision when he chose to cheat on his wife? You can't put all of the responsibility for the situation on the mother of the child - he was a lying cheating asshole, so he is equally at fault.

Pam - posted on 02/23/2014

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What a horrible situation, I know men are always looked at as the villans, but really, I believe the mother should take full responsibility if she gives birth without the consent of the "doner", isn't adoption or abortion an option? When a child is born to an unwed mother and is an "illegitimate child" it will always hurt the child and it is sad, but it all goes back to the incredibly irresponsible mother that took it into her own hands and made the bad decision, now everyone has to pay, so unfair!!

Alda - posted on 12/10/2013

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Unless you live it, you can never ever understand the hurt and deception

R - posted on 11/03/2013

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So you are saying my feelings does not count if he has another child from another woman due to an affair. I want him to choose between me and the child. I have been in his life for 24 years, this unborn child, in a foreign country is nothing of mine! Just heartache! A constant reminder of his lust while we could not be together for 3 months. Say what you like, what about my feelings and my heartache????

Ebony - posted on 08/17/2013

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What you people don't understand lol. Is that the Mother of the child. The MOTHER hint : Will always be there in her child's life no matter wat. Now this woman will start feeling some way cause she is calling the house to speak to her child. Which she has the right to cause her child lives there. Or calling his cellphone cause her child is with the father. When she married him and made their kids together. She did not opp for the addition. Not fair for the Wife nor Child. She should not have to look at the infidelity playing with her kids.

Ebony - posted on 08/17/2013

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Depending on the kids ages. Maybe. My cousin has a possibly 2 kids on his wife. His children who are grown now. Are not accepting of the two kids and neither are my family members. His wife and kids are not accepting of it so neither are we. He gives some type of support not much one mother isn't even being bothered. My cousin and families live is not consume with women who want to try to keep a man.

Ebony - posted on 08/17/2013

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I definitely think you are wrong for saying that. If a man cheats on his wife or girlfriend and now has a child on the side and you accept the infidelity, then where is the loyalty to the marriage and relationship. What are you showing your kids that you laid down and made love to your. I mean your husband with and made. That it is alright for daddy to make mistakes and being home half / brothers and sisters home. I don't think so. What bout the family. The embarrassment on the families name. It's very awkward to be the wife holding a 5 yr old then a 3 yr old then a baby. And tell someone that the 3 yr old isn't your child's but is urs husbands and you took him back cause you wanted to work on your marriage and now you have a baby by him. Sounds crazy and weird. But like I say. We as women some times like play the fool. But it goes sometimes and Not all the times.

Jennifer - posted on 03/18/2013

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WOW!!! You sound miserable and he disrespectful for changing name w/out ur knowing but I suspect he had no choice! IT IS NOT THE CHILD'S FAULT!!! Thank GOD a dad actually wants to be a dad!! WAY TOOO MANY kids without them as it is! I've BEEN this kid and trust me it's really really hard!! Kudos to him and DONT blame the child it's NOT their fault!!! Learn to live more, hate less. Gods word helps ;)

TINA - posted on 03/17/2013

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I find it very sad that so many of you are so abusive to this child. If put in this same situation i may feel the same way. In a marriage you work together as partners. Who is to say that in time she doesnt come to care for this child but to have her thrust on her while she is ill is horrendus. I would feel like she was god awful if say the it was several years and she had alot of interaction with this child but no this is fairly recent and she is obviously still stuggling to forgive her husband about this matter. Her husband obviously has no respect for her and this child is not helping the situation. No where does she say that she will hate the child but simply states that she wants to know her responsibility toward the child. At the same time she has also clearly stated that her children feel that this child is a reminder of how her father broke up their "happy home" and are in need of counseling themselves. I think that the best situation is not one that seems to be available to her. Obviously leaving is ideal but not possible. And at no point does it seem a valid reason was given for why the child can't stay with her mom. Sounds to me like she is a handful and the other parents dont want to deal with her. Last time I checked dad can have a relationship, which she encourages, and the child can stay with a mother who could obviously care for 12 years already. I am with Uche tell her husband to stuff it and refuse to let her move in. Tell him that she can visit for short periods of time while the family continues to adjust.

Jennifer - posted on 02/09/2013

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Ok I think it's sad that you all are trying to guilt this lady for not wanting this child in her life. You all aren't in her situation and neither am I so you have no idea what she is going through. You guys keep telling her to get out of the marriage and she has explained over and over that she would if she wasn't sick. She may not hate the child but she doesn't need to have the child shoved into her face when she is unwell. Of course she's going to resent the child. It's sad and yes it's not the child's fault but I know I would feel the same way. It also takes more then 2 years to overcome an infidelity. Maybe over visits when she is well she would probably be better able to come to accept the child with counciling but until then I don't think it's a healthy thing to do for ALL involved just to bring the child home to live with them when the children and wife hadn't ever met the kid and vice versa. I think it's unreasonable of the husband just to bring this child in the household without some careful planning with help for counciling for everyone including his other children. You wouldn't want to bring a child into a hostile environment. She's stated that the other children already resent this child so they are going to need help getting over it and some time to bond with this child. I think you all need to take baby steps. Maybe a few day visits and then overnight stays a few days a week. Start slow. Start small. I don't think you would be mean to this child on purpose and I don't think your a bad person for the way you feel. It's going to take time to work through your feelings and try to overcome it. We can't just shut off the way we feel but with time and couciling we could try to work through it. It's easy for people to sit up on their high horse and declare the way you feel is wrong and try to push their views on you, but it's another thing to have to live through it themselves. I'm sorry your going through this Uche and sorry to hear of your illness. I do hope everything works out for you.

Virginia - posted on 02/08/2013

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if you decide to divorce him, which it seems you should, the child will still be a part of your kids live's. You will be the only one out of the loop. It seems a little strange that the other woman has married and had kids while all this is going on and the mom of the other child is still involved with your husband, but I have heard and lived through stranger tings. In-laws, while broken up previous to marriage, the guy conceived a child with someone. Then married the fist girl. When you see those three kids playing at a picnic you cannot tell which one was the "extra". The mom and dad treat them all the same and they get along fine as a family. In that case, I know the dad and he is a good person trying to do his best by all. If your husband is a good guy and you both want to make your marriage persist, lots of counseling and flexibility will help you work it out. If the other woman is still involved with your husband, that is another story.

Nina - posted on 02/06/2013

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It is not the child's fault do not punish the child because you are bitter about your husbands affair. Be warm and loving to this child. Teach your other children to have acceptance and love regardless of the situation it is their brother or sister.

Nina - posted on 02/06/2013

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If you loved your husband you would love his child, no matter what unconditionally. How dare you try to deprive this child of their own father. That is selfish. Shame on you. Shame

Jessica - posted on 02/06/2013

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I was surprised with a 18 year old brother this past spring. I'm lucky enough to have a family that has welcomed him and made the effort to be a part of his life, but I also worry about his well being. He is really upset and angry that he missed out on being a part of our family since birth. My son is young enough that he didn't have too many questions about his new uncle, but the older children had many questions that needed to be answered. Of course, the situation for me is much different than the situation of your children. But I wish that I had the chance to know him as a child and am struggling to build that bond now.

I'm telling you this because I think it shows how a different attitude can make a huge difference on how your own children react to their new sibling. Should they be disappointed and angry at their father for lying and cheating and doing the things a parent teaches their children not to do? Possibly, if they feel that way naturally. Should they learn to forgive their father for his mistakes? Probably, if they want a relationship with him in the future.

While I don't think it is your responsibility to parent this child, as the mother of her siblings I do believe that you should strongly consider the message you are sending your own children by refusing to allow them to get to know each other. It's been two years, so the shock of having a sister should have worn off. However if all they hear and see from you is that this child is to be hated and has caused problems at your home, putting blame on a child that had no choice in the matter, you are setting your own children up to hate someone who is 50% the same as them. Would you ever encourage your children to hate each other? No, because they are siblings and should always be there for each other. It might be tough, but try to put your own children's well being over your personal feelings and teach them to forgive but not forget. To be kind to those who need kindness the most.

Try to understand what it must be like for this young girl, who has siblings she doesn't know and dislike her for reasons she has no control over. Think about what it must feel like for a child to walk into a house that you know you're not welcome in, but have to do so anyway to get to know more about who your father is. It is in your own children's best interest if this girl becomes a well-rounded and well-adjusted individual. Fostering this in her, or at the very least allowing others to foster this, is what is best for your own family at the end of the day. And if you can't do it for your own children, do it for a selfish reason. When your children grow up and seek out a relationship with their sister, you don't want them to resent you for keeping them apart and teaching them to hate her when they could have had one more person on this planet who loves them unconditionally.

Angela - posted on 02/06/2013

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Uche, I feel your pain. This has never happened to me but I would have been devastated.

I think some of the others on here have been a little judgemental – one or two describe something similar happening to them but most who have responded have not had this experience. When any of us post to these Chat Forums – ostensibly for “advice” and/or “solutions” – often what we require most is some empathy and having our feelings validated.

The others are right when they state that it’s not the child’s fault. Your lawyer will also tell you this. However, I’ve noticed something in your posts by reading between the lines – here is what I feel is the true picture (and please correct me if I’m wrong):

1. You refer to this child’s mother as her “Mum” rather than her “Mom” which suggests to me you’re British rather than American (I’m British). So if you live in the UK, the Law is somewhat different regarding parental responsibility, residence (which used to be called custody) and contact (which used to be called access). If you ARE British, then all this American legal advice isn’t really relevant. The British Law is not so soft on fathers as the US Law (which I understand varies from State to State).

2. This child was born 12 years ago (so his relationship with her mother started about 13 years ago). The relationship/affair continued for many years until about 2 years ago – is this right?

3. You say the child KNEW that Daddy was married to somebody else?

4. The child’s mother is married herself with other children. This means she was probably married to her husband whilst the affair with YOUR husband was still ongoing . “Other children” means at least 2 kids, and to meet someone, develop a relationship, get married to them and have at least 2 kids in the space of 2 years is only just possible. I bet her kids are older than babies! And she may have more than two anyway!

5. So a picture Is now emerging that if the child “knew” her parents were having an affair, then she KNEW her mother was cheating on her stepfather, as well as KNOWING her father was cheating on you.

6. The child apparently “needs” to live with you and her father because there are issues with her stepfather. Maybe when the affair was exposed he didn’t want that girl under his roof, even if he was prepared to forgive his wife. Maybe he felt that since he had been cuckolded for years, raising this child he already knew wasn’t his, to find out that his wife was still in a relationship with his stepdaughter’s father, he felt it was YOUR TURN (as the other wronged spouse) to have her for a while.

7. Your husband knows you are in a difficult position. He is definitely abusing what may be reasonably expected of a wronged wife. Moreover, you’re sick and therefore your position is one of dependence.

8. You’re planning on leaving your husband as soon as your health is restored and you can find work.

9. If you refuse to take this child in, your husband can make life very difficult for you both now and later on when you leave him.

10. If you take the child in, your husband may also use this against you in a custody battle – saying that because his other children (yours) are used to living with their half-sister then this situation should continue – therefore he wants custody of ALL his children.

11. If you take this child in, you’re not taking in a toddler – you’re taking in a 12 year old. An adolescent. Probably an adolescent with a smart mouth who will very possibly try your patience and know all the buttons to press. Then, when you react to this baiting, she runs to Daddy to tell tales on you.

You’re in an unenviable position. Here’s my advice – for what it’s worth ….

Force yourself to visit this child’s mother and BE CIVIL TO HER – ask her what her plans are regarding her daughter’s upbringing. Try and get to chat with this lady whilst her husband is NOT there. But also see if you can chat with him as well. I bet both of them have a completely different perspective to your husband! And I’m sure there are other pieces of information that he’s not telling you that they will provide. Be nice to this woman, say nice things about her daughter (and her other children). Also, invite her to your home if she wants to discuss things further.

Consult with your lawyer to find out your rights and your responsibilities. Listen to what he advises in setting up the very best position for yourself up to, during and when you leave this man.

Force yourself to be nice to the child. Even if she did know what her parents were getting up to behind your back, she was only young at the time. OK, she’s an adolescent now but do NOT give her any ammunition to hurt you. If she says anything that DOES hurt you, act like it’s no big deal. Do not bad mouth either of her parents to her. She did not ask to be conceived or to be born.

Encourage your children to accept her and be nice to her and tell them that their father is only trying to be a father to his other child. Emphasise that this doesn’t mean he loves them less. Also try to make your children understand that whatever the circumstances of her birth & existence, that her mother was simply trying to do the best for her child (as any mother does) in maintaining some level of relationship with her father. This part will be really hard.

Remember that you always catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Keep your eyes on the prize! Don’t be a doormat but always be gracious, welcoming and kind.

I really hope you find some resolution to all of this.

Good luck!

Debbie - posted on 02/06/2013

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Hi Uche,
My dad had an affiar with a few women and also had a daughter with her. She was born a year after me. I am the 3rd youngest of six kids. Growing up with a very religious mom & a cheating dad was not easy. We always visited my sister, dad's daughter, from a young age & my mom would always come along. She decided to forgive dad. We grew to love our sister from another mother. It was easy to love her & treat her as part of the family because my mom taught us how to do that. When my sister went to highschool, mom invited her to live with us. All the years in between my dad still visited this 'other' woman & it made mom very unhappy but for her children & the sake of our 'sister' she showed love & compassion. My dad passed away 5 years ago & we all still have contact with my sister & attended her wedding last year.
Today I am a single mom, I love my boys and do my best to teach them to love & forgive. It's up to you... You can love your "neighbours" daughter, especially for your kids sake. I'm sorry for your health problems but think of the irrepairable psychological damage your kids will have if you don't teach them forgiveness & love. It's no longer about you & your husband... It's all about the kids. Staying in an unhappy marriage cause more harm than good to your kids. I hope you find a way to forgive & give this little girl a chance or yourself a chance to learn to love her. Good luck

Naomie - posted on 02/06/2013

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Uche,
Mine is one question, how would you feel if your kids go to visit someone and are mistreated for no reason? Am guessing the first thing you'll say is "who in their RIGHT mind can mistreat INNOCENT children without a reason???" At that point you'll feel disappointed especially if it was someone you knew! That is what this girl's mother is feeling! The way you would want your children to be treated cordially is what you should do for this poor girl!
Like everyone says, she's the innocent person in this matter! You have beef with her mom more than even her father and that feels funny because it feels selfish! You are afraid to leave coz financially you'll suffer, but at the same time you are crying that you don't want the girl to come because, am guessing you don't want her to be comfortable.....financially too! All this is about money which you are not brave to accept and admit about, so stop preaching hate amongst the children and be glad that he even told you about the child in the first place!
This life is short, Uche, and you also know it that's why you are concerned about your health! Why not spend more time making sure you continue earning your husband's love by your act of humanity rather than pushing him back into the other woman's arms with your act of immaturity! Worse still, into another new woman's arms and you'll have to repeat it all again!!!!

Naomie - posted on 02/06/2013

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Uche,
Mine is one question, how would you feel if your kids go to visit someone and are mistreated for no reason? Am guessing the first thing you'll say is "who in their RIGHT mind can mistreat INNOCENT children without a reason???" At that point you'll feel disappointed especially if it was someone you knew! That is what this girl's mother is feeling! The way you would want your children to be treated cordially is what you should do for this poor girl!
Like everyone says, she's the innocent person in this matter! You have beef with her mom more than even her father and that feels funny because it feels selfish! You are afraid to leave coz financially you'll suffer, but at the same time you are crying that you don't want the girl to come because, am guessing you don't want her to be comfortable.....financially too! All this is about money which you are not brave to accept and admit about, so stop preaching hate amongst the children and be glad that he even told you about the child in the first place!
This life is short, Uche, and you also know it that's why you are concerned about your health! Why not spend more time making sure you continue earning your husband's love by your act of humanity rather than pushing him back into the other woman's arms with your act of immaturity! Worse still, into another new woman's arms and you'll have to repeat it all again!!!!

Lana - posted on 02/05/2013

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I think this child has a right to her father as much as the children the two of you share it is not her fault that he had an affair she is just a child that wants to be loved and know her father just like his other children

Anne - posted on 02/05/2013

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I hear you Uche. I feel your pain. Reading your post I actually think you are very sober in what you want for your family. I actually dont think your intention as some put it is to punish the child. Infact, you have been very accomodating in that regard for a man who continues to see another woman behind your back. That is already enough anyway. I wonder what others mean when they say you are punishing the child. She is 12 years, the father kept her secret for far too long, the mother and father of that child are working, she gets to see her father if and when she needs to, life is about sacrifices. I dont get it really unless we also want this child to be mentally tormented by the actions of her parents, that she should be brought to a fold that she is not welcome. When we sit in our high pedestals and issue blanket solutions, we forget that we are people with our own vulnarabilities. Whether she is under your roof or not, she is still part of her fathers life. Who is thinking of the children who have to start been taught to love a sister they already dont like?

Holly - posted on 02/01/2013

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I think you need to ask yourself if you are only in this marriage due to finances. If he sees you as "sticking with him no matter what because you are poor and sick" he will likely try to get away with whatever and you will be the doormat, not the wife. The child is a victim of his poor judgement just like you and your kids are. It definitely sounds like you haven't gotten past his affair, it is essentially new to you though it is old for him. I felt sick for more than a year after I found out my ex cheated on me. It is realistic for you to fear that this child will make you, unintentionally, feel ill. You do need marriage counseling so he can, if needed, learn that you are an equal partner in the relationship even if you don't make the money.

If he can't learn that, and always intends to walk on you, do you really want your kids to learn that behavior is ok? As for finances, etc., if you are chronically ill, you should seek advice from senior/disabled services, they help young people too. DHS can set you up with basic services to find low income housing, etc. for you and your kids. You can get help at Legal Aid if you are low income to defend your rights. Housingwise, the YWCA and private organizations help families in bad situations all the time. You are not alone!

I'm not advising you to abandon your marriage unless he does it your way. I'm just saying to look at your reasons for staying and his overall character.

Lona - posted on 01/17/2013

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it's not easy at all.... but life goes on and in the end you as the innocent party needs to make a choice and live with it. If you leave it doesn't make you weaker than the one that stayed and if you stay you need to prepare yourself for all that's to come in the future, making that child part of your life. We are not all the same and therefor not everything will work for everyone but we know ourselves and what we can & can't live with, so just be truthful to yourself. Life is to short to live with hate in your heart so forgive & move on. I'm in such a situation and it's not easy but i had to make peace with it for my own well-being & for my 2 kids. I have not yet met the the baby but has seen pictures of her & my husband is very involved in her life and i would not want it any other way. Eventhough she came to my life is such a hurtful way i only have love for her and when i look at her pics it bring a smile to my face & joy to my heart as if it was my own child. Yes i'm still very hurt by what has happend but i managed to find inner peace and constantly give thanks to where i am this far and the future that awaits me. God has given me so many blessings and these "hard times" i can over come with his Grace. But like i said we are not all the same and i can only speak for myself. My life is not perfect (far, very far from perfect) but i LOVE it cause it's mine (**,)

Lisa - posted on 01/15/2013

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I guess you don't love him anymore? Since you are talking about divorce. I know you are defensive and hurt. I'm sorry. I hope you find healing.
I do believe no matter what he is responsible for ALL his children. He should be a part of all their lives even if it costs his marriage. It would not be fair that the other child be without her father if he is willing to be there for her. Think if that child was you and how you would feel. Both of her parents screwed up. She never asked to be born but she is here... It sucks for you. Your kids will adapt. Kids always do.
I hope you find what you need. Sending healing thoughts & prayers.

Tammie - posted on 01/14/2013

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I am thinking your more hurt and feeling betrayed over your husband's affair, which is understandable.. If your marriage is going rather fairly I would suggest counseling to let you vent out your emotions, a marriage counselor would be the better choice, your husband needs to know how much he hurt you. He should have been honest with you 12 years ago.
An innocent child shouldn't suffer for an adult's decision and you would not want to be the cause of any unhappiness for your children or the other child. Children can adapt rather quickly as long as they see their parents are getting along. I hope this helps.

Lacye - posted on 01/02/2013

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But it's not the fact that there is nothing wrong with her mother for her being there. It's the fact that YOU don't want her around you and your children because of something she can't help. So yes, it is sad and selfish of you for acting this way towards a child, who really and truly has done nothing wrong to you or your children. I have the feeling you came on here to have others justify your feelings and now you are backtracking because you aren't getting that. I feel sorry for this child.

Uche - posted on 01/02/2013

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THANK YOU LAKOTA. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN THIS FORUM WHO IS ACTUALLY READING MY POSTINGS AND ASSIMILATING IT. WHILE OUR DISCUSSIONS WERE GOING ON, I TOOK THE TIME OUT TO PHONE OUR LAWYER AND BY TOMORROW I WILL KNOW WHAT MY RIGHTS AND DUTIES ARE. THANKS TO EVERYBODY WHO PARTICIPATED IN THE DISCUSSION EVEN THOUGH SOME OF YOU BECAME REALLY ABUSIVE, DEFENSIVE AND VERY PERSONAL; MAKES ME WONDER IF THEY KNOW ME. I'LL BE LEAVING YOU FOR A WHILE UNTIL MY ISSUES ARE SORTED OUT LEGALLY- NO EMOTIONS ATTACHED. LAKOTA- I'LL BE SENDING YOU PERSONAL MESSAGES FROM TIME TO TIME AS THE ISSUE UNFOLD SINCE IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR THE ONLY ONE WHO GET ME. THANKS ONCE AGAIN

Uche - posted on 01/02/2013

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@ Ashley, I accepted the situation long ago and I've made peace with it until I was asked to live with a 12 year old just out of the blue nnot 3 years or even 5. Isn't that making the hair on the nape of your neck stand strainght. It does mine

Uche - posted on 01/02/2013

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@ Miss Little Can't be wrong- That,s what I'm saying, for now I can't support. I'm laying off work for some time (doctors orders)

Ashley - posted on 01/02/2013

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i dont know why you even asked for advice when you already have your mind made up and dont care what anyone has to say. it will never work out for you because you dont want it too. maybe your husband should ask you for the divorce. and about you having to care for the child, no you do not have to by law, but it is common sense if you want happiness in your marriage, life, home, and in your kids' lives. get off your high horse and accept the situation or get divorced already.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/02/2013

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I don't see how you could loose your kids unless you are a threat to your children, or could not support them.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/02/2013

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I think you are being extremely selfish. I mean, you supposedly love this man so much that you forgave him for having an affair. Well this child is a part of him. How could you NOT want to be part of this child that is a piece of your husband, and half siblings with your children? It honestly sounds like you are jealous to me. I would be pissed in your situation also. But I would not have stayed with him after finding out my husband cheated on me.

How old are your kids?

Uche - posted on 01/02/2013

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Little Miss can't be wrong, at this stage it doesnt matter who ask who, what matters here is that I become very straregic so that when it eventually happens, I'll get at least way even if it is joint custody. I've been told reliably that if I go about it the wrong I could lose my chidren,so timing is of essence here and please note that I've never for once said he'll not be in the child's life, my gripe is that I should,nt be made to if I don't have to

Dove - posted on 01/02/2013

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Because of the way you are answering all the posts. It's as if you aren't grasping what people are saying or asking and just continuing to push your misguided agenda against this child.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/02/2013

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WOWZA! A lot is messed up with your marriage. If you do divorce, you can get full custody with visitations if you wish. But he might file for joint custody. Of course there is a chance that another women may become part of your kids lives if he remarries, but if you remarry there is a chance for another man to be part of their lives. You sound like you hate your husband. I don't see how staying in a house full of angst is good for anyone. Plus, who knows. Your husband may ask YOU for a divorce.

Dove - posted on 01/02/2013

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If you and your husband separate.... at any time or for any reason (unless he's a drug user and/or abusive)... he is entitled to joint custody and you can not control who he does or does not expose the kids to during his time with them.

Uche - posted on 01/02/2013

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@ Dove, I am not disabled. i can't take care of my kids financially @ present. It is a temporary thing. Your advise that I should get out of my marriage is well taken but I want to be sure that when I do I won't be leaving my kids in the care of another woman or in this case who knows the childs mother who is somewhere lurking in the background and using the child as a bait

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/02/2013

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Why are you taking this out on the kid??? He did not ask to have your husband cheat and be born. He just wants to kknow his father and siblings, can you blame him? I think your husband is doing the right thing, and you are doing the wrong thing. I would be taking action about him cheating on me. Of course be upset about him having a baby, but that is something you sincerely need to move past and accept. Especially if you were able to forgive him for cheating on you.

Uche - posted on 01/02/2013

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@ Dove, your update is noted. The little I know about law is that a minor child deserves all the care she can get and an illegitimate child's 1st primary care giver is the natural mother while child's support is that of the natural parent responsibility. I've done a little bit of research and I didn't find anywhere it says I have to give up on my kids and my marriage if I dont like it. I strongly believe that the onus of responsibility lies more with the mother than me, however I'll be seeing our family lawyer for more clarification

Dove - posted on 01/02/2013

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Why can't you take care of your kids if you are sick? Disabled people raise kids all the time.... Granted, I don't know what kind of sick you are, but if you can take care of your kids in your house now.... you can do it alone too. And if you can't take care of your kids on your own.... you wouldn't be expected to take care of your stepdaughter either, but loving and accepting her presence doesn't require health... it requires heart.

Uche - posted on 01/02/2013

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Thank you so much Country Momolf2. My husbvand did not just start catering fior this child. He has taken full responsibility from the day she was born or so I was told .This child is 12 years and I only found out when the mother felt she's tired of the affaiir and need to get her own man. I found out not because my husband told me but through the grapevine. Like you said if I divorce my husband and meet a man and remarry, this other man would have known that I had kids from an earlier marriage and I will expect him to accept my kids. This is not the situation here. My husband never talked about a child, he never told me. When I eventually found out he told me everything, we went for counselling and he told me the lady is married now and living with the child. HE told me that because of the child, he has to be in the womans life, even though I didnt like it, I understood why he had to be in her life but that does not include going to her parties and telling me the child invited him. ( I found out about the party last week) I didn't like the fact that he cheated on me but we worked thrugh it especially because I was told the woman is married and living with her child. It is expected that a little child will want to live with her mother and like we agreed the woman's husband knew about the child when he married her and accepted this child. My problem is why this sudden need to bring the child to live with me when it has become evident that I became sick and any form of divorce on my part will mean losing my kids. If I'm expected to care and love this child, what is now the duties of the natural mother and the step father towards the child.

Dove - posted on 01/02/2013

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It doesn't matter the why's of the child coming to live with you at this point. What matters is that you either fully accept the child and treat her with the decency that she deserves when she is in your home.... or you get out of the marriage now.

WE can't ask why the child is coming to live with you. That is something that you have to find out from your husband and her mother.... and you either deal with that issue... or you find a way to leave before you cause emotional harm to this child by you and your children openly rejecting her.

FoxyMom - posted on 01/02/2013

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Two years ago when you found out did you forgive your husband? If so then you accepted the child. The child is a part of him and if you can't accept it then leave. If you were to leave and met a guy that you liked but he did not accept your children would you stay?

Also, children learn from their parents. Your childrens attitude toward this other child may be coming from you. This seems like a situation that need not be discussed infront of anyone but you and your husband. Even though your husband did cheat on you, you forgave him. He is now stepping up as a father to this child which most men would not. Has his feelings or actions changed toward the children you have together?

Also, in your post you had posted that they are still close. Is this the other women and your husband? If I were the wife who got cheated on I be a fool if we worked through things and he still had contact or was "close" to the women he cheated on me with. His butt would be out the door.

Uche - posted on 01/02/2013

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@ Lacye I think its incredibly sad that you dont understand that the situation here is not that the child was born and innocent. The child exists whether I like it or not. What one should be askingn him or herself is why all of a sudden it becomes necessary for the child to live with a "bitter" step mother when the mother is alive and well and obviously have a good home, beautiful children and a husband. Doesn't this step have a duty to this child as does the "selfish" step mother who doesn't even know of her existence until 2 years back.

Ashley - posted on 01/02/2013

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it doesnt matter if she was born out of wedlock. all he has to do is be on the birth certificate, or get a dna test done to prove he is the father and then he can get visitation, or even sole custody which is a good chance he will, considering the mother wants her to live with him and that she wants to. my husband and i had all our kids before we got married, and wen we split up years ago, he had visitation with them because he was on there birth certificate, not being married to her does not mean he has no rights or obligations to his child.

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