My husband is a big fat liar. How would you address this? Very angry lady here!

Savannah - posted on 01/15/2010 ( 38 moms have responded )

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We are on a very very tight budget. We are having serious money problems which is why we need to follow this very tight budget.

Ok. So here is the problem. My husband went out and bought two shirts on ebay. The total was about 30 bucks. I'm not upset about the amount and I am not that terribly pissed that he bought them behind my back even though he has a closet full of nice dress shirts. I am freaking FURIOUS that he lied to me about it.

He came home last night telling me that we owed his brother steve big time because he had just gone through his closet and -coincidence of coincidences- had two shirts and a tie that were in my husbands size. (my husband and his brother are not the same size) He showed them to me all happy and here's the concerning part to me (after the bold faced lie in the first place): the shirts were pretty wrinkly but yet the lines from it being in the box were still there. He said, "wow! He never even wore them!"

Now what he didn't know was that we both have the same mail icon on our desktops for our computer. I thought that I was on my desktop and opened up his mail browser thinking it was mine and saw that he had won two shirts. This was a week ago. I raised an eyebrow but didn't think much of it because I thought for sure that he would have told me. Never mentioned it, just exited out and went to my homepage instead.

So the extent he went to lie to me is VERY concerning. He took them out of their wrapping and wrinkled them up as best as he could to convince me that his brother had sent them to him.

The really sad thing is that I believed him right off the bat because I thought we were honest with each other. Then I remembered the notification from ebay.

So I asked him straight out if he was just making up the story so that I wouldn't get mad. he said "why would I do that?" I left it at that.

This morning I looked at his mail and saw the notifications again and the pictures of the shirts so now I know for a fact that he lied to me.

The even sadder part is that he has done this same thing before. Two years ago he bought a 90 dollar sweater vest behind my back and told me his mom got it for him for his birthday. He doesn't know that she told me the truth about that and the truth is that he bought it himself and asked her to lie for him by saying that she had bought it.

So how do I handle this? I am so ticked off. What would you do?

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Renae - posted on 01/15/2010

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I didnt read all the posts so sorry if I'm repeating what's already said.

The concerning part to me is that not only did he lie to you, when you confronted him about it he lied AGAIN instead of fessing up!! I would be absolutely furious! To the best of my knowledge my husband has never out right lied to me and when I have confronted him about something he has confessed and told the truth. Why in gods name does your husband feel he has to lie about some $30 shirts?

If this were me, I would sit his but down and tell him to shut it and listen for a minute, then I would explain that lying to each other is completely unacceptable, if he can lie to me about this little thing then what bigger things don't I know about and I can not live with the fact that I dont know if I can trust what comes out of his mouth - now explain yourself! Help me understand why you lied about the shirts and about the sweater (you have to confess that you know) and anything else I dont know about and then explain how you expect me to trust a word you say. ...see what he has to say for himself. Talk it through until you get to the bottom of the issue here and come to a resolution. I must say I dont think my husband and I have ever gotten to the bottom of the real issue in one conversation, it usually gets brought up over a few days before he really gets down to what his problem is (men are terrible at recognising their emotions and identifying what causes them).

Something else that might help - does your budget allow for each of you to have a little spending money each month? If so, have you thought about having separate spending accounts? We have the same amount of spending money each every month and we can do what we want with it. We never have to get permission from the other person to buy anything. The only purchases that get discussed are holidays and major household items like furniture that come out of our joint savings. If I want to add a hand bag to the collection then I do (even though husband will roll his eyes and laugh and ask how I could possibly need another one) and if he wants to add an old car (of which we currently have 6) to his collection of "gonna do it up one day" then he can -I have no say in his spending and he has no say in mine. And in nearly 11 years, we have NEVER argued about money.

Heather - posted on 01/15/2010

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I couldn't blame you for being upset. A lie is a lie, no matter how small, and usually leads to more lying. Better to flat out confront him, and let him know that you know he lied, and that you are upset with him. That it is an invasion of your trust in him, and trust is hard to earn once its lost, because now, anytime he tells you something similar, you'll always remember in the back of your mind that he's lied to you before. Let him have it!

Karla - posted on 01/15/2010

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I so agree with ink ette!!!!

And if lying is a big deal to you { it is to me },.... then it is a BIG DEAL. period.

I'm fairly certain this is something he knew about you going into your life together since you are so upset now and he has gone to great lengths to cover it.

I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom; I'm divorced for a reason, BUT I wanted you to know you shouldn't be made to or allow others to make you feel bad for feeling the way you do

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Just curious, why are some of the posts here advising to lie to the husband so he will come clean about the lie he told? Food for thought!

Jen - posted on 01/15/2010

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my husband lied a lot too about money and talking to other women! it was soo hard and stressful. He ended up moving out for about 4 months and wanted nothing to do with me. he got into another relationship and relized what he left behind! A son and wife that love him so much. He is now back home and we are going to counseling and working on the whole lying and mistrust. Its very hard because i dont trust him at all and im hoping with time it gets better!! I completly understand where your coming from and wish i had some great advice for you but he needs to wake up and relize the lying is unacceptable. I hope he does before its too late but if he's going to lie about some shirts what else would or could he lie about?

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38 Comments

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Carolee - posted on 01/15/2010

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It sounds like he might have a spending compulsion. Let him know that you know about the vest and the shirts, and let him know that you weren't snooping when you found out. He's most likely going to be angry at you for snooping, even though that wasn't your intention, but after he calms down, ask him why he feels he needs to buy these things and then lie to you about it. You might get to the point where a counselor would help you two.

Cinda - posted on 01/15/2010

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I think you have a right to be angry. I would be, too. No, you're not blowing it out of proportion. I understand that it's not a big deal... If he wouldn't have lied to you. And going OUT OF YOUR WAY to lie is even worse. I would have called him on his bluff and told him how angry it made me that he was lying. If you think you are gonna lose your temper, write a letter, let it sit there until you cool off (sometimes that takes a couple of days), and reread it. If you think you are being too harsh, revise. I do this with my husband (also some of my friends) all of the time. Refuse to talk about it unless it's in writing. It saves hurt feelings, there's no yelling. That's what I do...

Karla - posted on 01/15/2010

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Congrats on your good conversation!!!!! I pray all continues to remain so open and honest even when future slip-ups are made!!!

Lisa - posted on 01/15/2010

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Well I'm 48, have raised four daughter's, & on my second marriage. What I have been taught through this life is " If they will lie about something that little they'll lie about everything."

Sheila - posted on 01/15/2010

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girl, if it weren't for men lieing,,,they wouldn't be men~~ i've dealt with this for so long until now, if he's telling the truth, i still don't believe it~i don't know what makes them do it, but they try so hard, then it blows up in their face!! eventually the lies will expand and cause you to be at a point where i am now with my husband.....it's sad, but it's o so true..

Tracy - posted on 01/15/2010

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I would show him how you know he lied, confront him but sit him down and state that if he is serious about finances within the home he should take the budget more seriously. If he doesnt like the budget set up where he has his own account. Have separate accounts, one for bills, one for spending money for him to just use when he wants. That way he would not feel less of a man having to "ask" you for extra money when he wants to buy something frivilous.

User - posted on 01/15/2010

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well I guess I should have read down a little further - I see you solved the issue. So glad you were able to work things out!! :)

User - posted on 01/15/2010

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If the papertrail idea that the others have given doesn't work...I think I would talk to him, but don't come with the approach that you are mad at him otherwise he will be defensive and more likely to lie. Come with more of a concerned wife approach that is trying to get to the real issue from where the lying stems. If he realizes that you are worried about him and want to help him, he might open up and you might get a little farther. Be prepared though as he might not really now why he does it especially if its an addiction issue (shopaholic).

Savannah - posted on 01/15/2010

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I did express to him that it hurt my feelings, though, that he thought so little of me that he felt that 1.) I was too dumb to figure out the lie and 2.) that he thought so little of our relationship that he felt that he couldn't come to me over a lousy 30 bucks.
He's soooo grounded! lol.

Savannah - posted on 01/15/2010

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I just talked to him.
I asked if I was good and we had a serious conversation about what I have been doing as a wife and whether or not he trusts me or if I treat him well enough and he said that I was doing just fine.
I asked if he was scared of me or if I was hard to talk to and he said no.
So I asked why he felt he had to lie to me about buying stuff online. He got this look on his face like "oh Crap!" lol.
Then he told me that he hadn't meant to buy them, he just bidded and didn't expect to win. This was what I was suspecting anyway.
So I told him that was what I figured and I wasn't mad about that. I just told him that he did not need to lie to me about it.
Then I busted up laughing about him wrinkling up the shirts and all that trying to hide it from me and we both kind of laughed about it.
We have cancelled his ebay account, though.
Never argued or anything. Just talked it out and everything is cool. Zero tension.
Thanks ladies for your advice and everything. I appreciate all of your views and I feel so much better now.

Kristal - posted on 01/15/2010

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ink ette had a great idea as well. when you get your statement in, then act like you are mad and curious bc there is a charge to ebay and you dont know where it came from bc you didnt purchase anything from them and he would have told you if he did so where did it come from.. your going to call the bank and contact ebay and so on and so forth.. he'll have to tell you....

Kristal - posted on 01/15/2010

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in my opinion it is a big deal. yea $30 is not $100 or more but thats just where it starts. i would sit him down and tell him that you know and say look im not mad you got the shirts im just mad that you had to sit there and spend time to wrinkle them and then come up with a lie and then boldly spout that lie to my face. a relationship is built on trust not lies. and its not just a little white lie whre he says yea babe love your new shoes and doesnt. if he starts there and thinks he can get away with it then what else has he bought or will he buy with bill money? MAGGIE makes a great point what if that money needed to have gone to a bill that was maybe a little higher then normal like a light or water bill. and so you had to spend some on that and the check would of been no good. then you have to deal with bouncing fees or negative fees if the bank allowed it to clear then if it bounced the people you wrote the check to charge a fee and so therefore leaving you in debt. or behind instead of even. i speak about this because i know first hand. my husband use to do the same thing only he would spend all of his money on his race cars instead of putting his half in for bills. thankfully no longer an issue.. good luck.. keep your head up

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If he purchased the shirts online, wouldn't there be a debit charge on one of your accounts? Bank, or credit card? I would make a huuuuge deal out of the fact that there is an unauthorized charge on the account. Push the issue, act like it is driving you nuts, and you arent' going to let anybody steal from YOUR accounts. Maybe if you get a statement of the account it will show Ebay on the purchase? I don't know, I don't use ebay. But, You see where I'm going with this. Use the paper trail for the money to PROVE it was him, then go to him with the paperwork? It's a bit harder to lie when you have it in black and white in front of him.

Tina - posted on 01/15/2010

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I understand completely where you're coming from. It's not the purchase, it's the principle of the lie itself. Why does he feel the need to lie and to go to those extremes to do so? I've been through this and I've learned that small lies can lead to big lies. I'm not saying that with your circumstance, just from what I've experienced. In any case, lies (even small seemingly insignificant) ones, can cause insecurities and trust issues that can destroy a relationship. I would definitely talk to him about it, if you don't, the insecurity will always remain whether you think you're harboring it or not. It doesn't go away. It just sits there until something else happens. I hope this helps.

Savannah - posted on 01/15/2010

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Thanks Sharon.
Thats it exactly.

If it is something that I am doing wrong to cause this then I want to know that too. I hope he will actually talk with me about it.

Maggie - posted on 01/15/2010

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You should definately confront him. If he's spending money that you need for something else then that's a big deal. If there is $30 to spend on extra things then he should let you know he spent it. What if you had both spent the same $30 and bounced a check?! Sneaky spending is unacceptable and you should tell him so. It's not a big deal that he bought the shirts, but it is a big deal that he didn't tell you and then LIED about it. You should make your discussion more about the lie than the shirts and money.

Sharon - posted on 01/15/2010

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Melissa - when you are in a good relationship where lies are not acceptable, they become a big thing.

I'm guessing in your relationship - lying is no big deal.

To Savannah - it IS a big deal... imagine how pissed off she would be if she found out he were cheating... off the charts, I imagine.

People who go to those lengths to hide what they are doing have a problem. Either simply with lying to lie or a shopping problem. There are other options but I don't think they apply.

Lydia - posted on 01/15/2010

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LOL - i am also guilty of financial infidelity(apparently this behaviour is common enough to have a name). I get why you are upset if you really dont have the money to spare in the first place, however I would recommend taking a few deep breaths and ask him to tell you the truth - you may know it anyway but it may be cathartic to hear him speak it. Then maybe redress the budget to include a token amount for each of you to spend on whatever you want to treat yourselves to to avoid similar issues in the future. A trick that my fiance uses with me to help curb it is to allocate me less than he actually minds me spending so if I do do this kind of thing he's got it covered. Btw- my future father in-law used to do the same thing but bought items such as houses rather than shirts so be thankful that he isnt doing that!

Savannah - posted on 01/15/2010

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And I never said that I was even going to bring that incident up to him. I'm not.

Savannah - posted on 01/15/2010

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Melissa,
I would have never even said anything about it to him if he hadn't done it yet again. In fact, when his mother told me about it I laughed because I thought it was funny that he though he needed to hide it from me. And I just found out about it 4 months ago when we were living with her. I wasn't even mad because it was so long ago. I never mentioned that she had told be because it did not matter to me. Yes, it was a long time ago. I'm not mad about that incident.
Its the fact that he has done it again and it makes me wonder about all the other "gifts" that random people have given him.

Savannah - posted on 01/15/2010

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Thanks ladies. That is what was upsetting me. Not the fact that he bought the shirts, that isn't a big deal. But is is the lengths he went to to keep it from me. And it does make me wonder what else he is lying about.
Thats all.
I'm sorry if it seems like i am blowing this out of proportion but I do think it is a big deal. Not them money just the deception.
Its definitely not fair to make other people lie with him.
Thanks for your advice.
I am not going to yell at him, don't worry! But we are going to talk about this like crazy.

Melissa - posted on 01/15/2010

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This just seems like such a minor thing.... He could've cheated, he could be doing drugs, he could have a baby by another woman. He could have gambled every penny you guys had and left you with no utilities. I think you should definately let him know open communication is best... But the fact that your still harboring a lie he told you two years ago about an equally minor thing concerns me. There's a rule in love that must be followed, if you forgive someone, you can not bring up the past.... Really, I promise this is not the worst that he could've done. Just let him know it bothered you and move on. But you have to really move on, you can't pull it out later for aamo... Hope this helps. Good luck.

Theresa - posted on 01/15/2010

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You know something, I do this with my partner all the time. I always buy the kids some toys and then lie about the price I paid for them, I always knock it down by £10 or so. And you know, I can't even explain why I do it. I do it with the grocery shopping as well, I buy a months groceries and when he asks how much it all was I always knock the price down.

I think it's probably because the times I have told him the actual price it has ended in an argument about reserving money, like yourselves we have financial problems at the moment and are on a tight budget, but I have always been pretty frivolous with money, especially when it comes to the boys. But sometimes it is warranted, like if the kids need some new clothes and my fiance thinks they are fine in the stuff they have, then I will go and order without telling him because we will just fight about it.

I think you should just tell him you know that he got the shirts off of ebay and ask him why he felt like he needed to lie about it, and go to the extent he did with wrinkling the shirts and everything. Even when I do this kind of thing if I get caught out I just admit it. Just let him know that you are more angry about the fact he felt he had to lie to you about it and explain that while you are on a budget if he feels he needs something he can talk about it first and then discuss getting it together. Just watch he's not an ebay addict though!

Jane - posted on 01/15/2010

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This is a tough one! Why didn't he just ask you if he could get them? I guess I would sit down & have the trust talk w/ him. Do you always say no or get mad when he gets new stuff? Maybe give him a certain amount of $ for clothes a month? IDK I wish I had more advice. The lying thing would really concern me I would wonder what else my husband would/could lie about. To tell you such an extravagant story to your face is just wrong. If/when you talk to him about it just remember to stay calm so he doesn't feel like he has to lie to you. I might even turn my tears of hurt on to get my point across.

Jennifer - posted on 01/15/2010

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Tell him that he needs to stop lying to you about such petty stuff, and confront him abot both incidents. I was raised to believe that if someone will lie to you about something small then they will also lie to you about something big. But that's just my thought process. Your hsband should understand the reason you guys are on a tight budget to begin with and maybe if he is gonna spend extra money on something, maybe he could do something nice for you and not just himself!

Sharon - posted on 01/15/2010

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Shirts aren't important... anything over $100 has to be told w/honesty. I don't lie about what I've purchased, but I don't tell the truth about the cost.

If he knew how much my famous chef pots & pans cost - he'd be through the roof. But using cheap shit to cook in = cheap shit to eat. He knows they're expensive, he also knows I got a good deal on them. He just doesn't know HOW expensive.

Its kind of amazing to me that your husband even tries to lie about this stuff. Gifts versus purchasing. Thats kind of nutty.

I think you just need to sit him down and tell him how much it angers you. And dragging other people into it, just makes things worse.

You guys have a good relationship and here he is jeopardizing it with lies about clothing and costs? not worth it. He needs to face it that he has an addiction to buying things he doesn't need with money that can't really be spared.

Tatum - posted on 01/15/2010

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Basically he has an impulse control problem when it comes to money. You need to discuss this with him and remove his access to ready funds. He is not capable of managing money himself period.

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No offence but I tihnk your blowing it out of proportion. Lying is bad yes, he was totally in the wrong, but do you want to cause a divorce over $30 worth of shirts and the fact that he felt so guilty?

Savannah - posted on 01/15/2010

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are you ladies kidding? This guy is soooo spoiled and pampered and loved! he got an brand new ipod touch for christmas, a brand new rogue phone, and more clothes! This is all stuff that he bought without my knowledge and I never yelled at him or even got mad. I just said, ok. We will take it out of savings. Merry Christmas! And two months before that our computer broke and he went out and bought a 1500 dollar mac. He gets sex whenever he wants it. He is CONSTANTLY told how much I love and appreciate him. I make his lunch for him every day and always leave a cute little love note in there.
If I really thought that he was doing this because I didn't treat him well enough then I wouldn't be so concerned!

Lorri - posted on 01/15/2010

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Sit down and tell your husband that you love him and that if you are going to be able to trust him that he needs to stop lieing about small things by the way did you tell him the truth about what you knew?My sons father just passed away from cancer,your lucky that you still have your husband to love.When he comes home tonight make sure you show him how much u appreciate him.Maybe he's trying to fill up something that's missing with the clothes he buys.

Tatum - posted on 01/15/2010

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And seriously just tell him you know he's lying and catch him out and then be able to milk it for a while, it's life.

Tatum - posted on 01/15/2010

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sorry but I have to laugh cause I do that alllllll the time... just saves the argument really

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