My husband is a drug addict!!!!!!!!!

Michelle - posted on 01/29/2010 ( 52 moms have responded )

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I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years. He is a crack addict. This is one of the most challenging issues, I'll ever face. He is a good provider, when he doesnt waste his paycheck on drugs. His addiction, spills over into other aspects of our marriage, because he will lie and/or manipulate to use. I unknowingly have become an enabler. He says he wants to stop, but the truth is, he is not ready yet. He refuses to go into treatment and his addiction has gotten worse, over the last few months. My heart is broken into a million pieces because I am crazy stupid in love with him. My brain tells me to leave him and go on with my life. But, my heart tells me I dont want to live my life without him. Truely, I'm torn. Without a doubt, this man is my soul mate and best friend. We have extrodinary love for each other, which makes this so hard for me. It's a big one, but this is the only problem we have in our marriage.The day may come, when I throw my hands up and say, "that's it, I'm done". But, today is not that day. Most times, I feel weak and stupid for staying. I want to save him, because I think his life is worth saving. What I'm looking for really, is a sisterhood of support. I cant do this by myself!!!! This is not a subject that one can speak freely with, to family or friends. The weight of his addiction weighs heavy on my shoulders. I have always been a strong woman, but when it comes to this man, I am very weak. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated..........his wife

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Lotte - posted on 08/13/2011

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In matters of love, you may have to do what's best for you and your children...and I know that you know in your heart what that is. It's ruining your self esteem and putting you in danger in more ways than one.

It could be the hardest thing you do, and it could tear you apart, but if you have to then do it. Be strong.

I'm speaking from experience. I don't even know if he's been using, or if he still is or WHAT is the god damn truth, but I know he's been around people who have weapons and drugs and if he pisses of the wrong person - or if he's mad at me and some crackhead 'friend' decides to 'get involved' in our relationship - I do feel I have reason to fear for my life.

I begged him to stop this lifestyle and come home to us. To be the man he supposedly

wants to be. We made it this far, i NEVER knew that I could truly love someone as I come back with a longing and NOT out of fear or guilt like I thought. I burn for him. I love him to death and I know I do because it took me a long time to admit that but if the aggression (and yes he has put me thru severe depression and made my mind a total mess, scared the shit out of me and threatened me as far as telling I may disappear...triggered major paranoia and made me feel insane..) I saw something in him and I'm fighting for it. I tried so hard to push him away, but I learned to admit I love him. But I told him as hard is it may be and I know it would be one of the hardest things I would do is to cease contact with him permanently, and not just for a few months. We both know that if we leave it up to the courts with his record and the record of violence between us he would'nt have a chance. I want him involved with his baby, I don't want to do this alone. At least with my girls I had some useless asshole there for when I needed to lock myself in a room. It's been two weeks since the last time i took him back. It's been marvelous and he's been everything I want, but I fear it will not last, I think we're walking on eggshells. If it doesn't work I can't fight anymore. I can suffer in my agony being without him; it's like fighting withdrawals. I have to choose these children first, I just want so badly for him to be there. Anymore lies, it's over. Anymore violence or threats, or drug use and it's over. I would die inside if I had to, but a new life is more important than to keep trying to save a fucked up one.

Dana - posted on 02/02/2010

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Get out, his problem not yours. Make him fix the problem, get help, get well and then take him back. Otherwise you are not being the best Mom you can be. Yes, you are enabling him by not standing up - not just for his physical and mental health but for the health of your family. Make him leave, you have enough on your shoulders. If he does not grow up now, he never will. Sorry for being so tough and I hope it works out. Dear God, just think of what your lives can be like if he cleans up! I will pray you find the strength to do what's right for your family...be the BEST mom you can be - give your children the BEST dad they can have! Be strong!

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Your post is so touching. Thank you for sharing Michelle. First, I'd like to give you a virtual hug. Girlfriend, this is one of the hardest roads you'll ever walk. There is no way to begin here because you are probably not going to like what I'm going to say. Your post also told me one thing - you are not going to leave. Your last line "...I'm weak...". See, as an enabler, you can only stand up and walk upright, when you are strong enough. Its sad, maybe its when he bankrupts you. Maybe its when he crashes the family into a tree. Maybe its when he sells the house w/o your knowledge or goes on a weekend-binge and trhows it all away.

I can't even begin to advise you because you are NOT ready to go. What I will tell you though, from the bottom of my heart is to be CAREFUL. My relative (I won't say which), she is very close to me - well, she was on crack for years. She now is HIV +. She has been in recovery for 10 years, she goes to her NA meetings (Narcotics Anony and Alcho Anon; she's goes to both groups), but nothing can erase the HIV. I would advise you to start immediately using protection when sleeping with your husband. Crack addition is one of the deadliest addictions there is. Typically "crack heads" as we call them here in the South are unpredictable. They will steal from their mothers and children to get a hit. That drug is so powerful. My relative had it hidden for years. She was a prostitute and no one knew. Your husband COULD be putting you at risk for AIDS. Trust me when I say he's not getting high alone. The person who's dealing to him, as well as the folks using w/ him are all apart of his addiction. Typically most men find a chick, a girl, who they can get high with and typically they have sex. Don't throw your own life away. You have a child to live for...Did you know that married women are growing in the ranks of AIDS; people have contracted AIDS from spouses? So be careful. Typically the DRUG LIFESTYLE goes hand in hand with other things - alcoholism, sex, partying, etc. It's one big ball of fire, which is why its often hard for most to breakway!

When you are ready to leave, you will leave. So I won't advise you on leaving. Right now, your heart is heavy, so you will not go. I will say this - we can NEVER save anyone. We are taught in the Bible that we are responsible individually for our salvation; the same is true for your husband. You can NEVER save him. He can't stop for YOU. This drug problem is NOT about you and its BIGGER than you. He needs professional help. Also, lastly, he may never get help. Living near many low income areas here in South Florida, I see 40 and 50 year old crack heads. There are some people who can never break away. So, he will have to decide WHERE AND WHEN TO BREAK...you can't do that....he may lie and try, but only he can decide.

I pray you strength.....

Tah - posted on 01/30/2010

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Prayer changes thing honey, i love my husband with every fiber of my being so who am i to tell you to leave when i don't know that i would, your vows say for better or for worse...so try treatment, try God and in his time he will heal this addiction, and sometimes no matter how much we love someone, God is still trying to tell us something, get in the bible and get with your pastor because man can't do it alone...

Paula - posted on 02/01/2010

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i really feel sorry for you i no its hard growing up my father had a coke problem it was hard for us when he was not high he was drunk or both. it was so hard on my mom and like your husband my father was a very good provider he had a good job but it was real hard. he would get so high he would start abuse my mother i remember begging her to leave . i no its not what you want to here but if you leave him but stay close mabey he will see what he is loosing his famiky and mabey he will clean up his act and be the man you married i no you love him but if you stay its not only you who suffers its more your kids and you have to out them first no matter what you dont no if one day he comes home high what he could do to not only u them what if he turns on the stove and forgets to turn it off what happens then what if someone calls CPS and they come and say this is not safe for your kids and they take them. it happens all the time. when i was 16 my father came home so high (the only time he came home early ) and killed himself he could not take the pain anymore and the drugs killed him trust me you do not want this for your babys then you get stuck with the what if's in life. i no you want to help him but the only way you can is by tuff love leave tell him get help clean up and i will come back and always be here for you. if not for you for your kids. i hope it works out for you i will keep you in my prayers. dont let this man ruin those kids life please i wish u the best

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H.J - posted on 02/02/2010

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Good on you Michelle, I'm glad you have a plan in place. You need to do this for every one involved. Keep in mind that you are not alone and their is lots of support out there for you if you need it. I hope it goes well.

Ginette - posted on 02/02/2010

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Good Evening Michelle, Just thought i'd send you a quick note to say I was thinking of you and hope things are working out in your favor.....I'm not sure if you had any other questions for me but I did send you a message yesterday about some information you had asked............Have a GREAT day!!!!
Ginette

Michelle - posted on 02/01/2010

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My husband and I do not have any children together. I have two grown daughters from my first marriage, and they both live on their own. My husband never gets high around me, he always goes away from home to get high. I have told him many times, me or the drugs. I'm afraid that because I have stayed throughout his drug use, it falls on deaf ears. His addiction is so much bigger than he or I. Currently, I am seeking other ways to help him be sober. Once I have everything set up, he will have a choice to make. Either go into treatment or loose me. I am trying to put a intervention together with his whole family. He has never been in treatment, since we have been together. Obviously, the way we have handled his addiction in the past, does not work!!.....his wife

Jenelle - posted on 02/01/2010

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I have gone through something very similar and you just have to follow your heart. Sometimes the right decision is not the easy one, and it's so hard to figure out which decsicion IS the right one! I gave mine an ultimadum...me or the drugs. I'm not saying that's what you should do, but you have to stand up to him and let him know this is not ok and you and your child deserve alot better. Good luck ♥

Ginette - posted on 02/01/2010

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I was lucky I had a strong partner to help me and I did it without God or help from doctors or medicines.......I had a strong will and really wanted to quit.......unfortunately this is addiction that never goes away and he will have to deal with cravings from time to time............I've left you a message with more info....

Michelle - posted on 02/01/2010

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Ginette......congratulations on being clean and sober!!! I'm really interested in knowing how you beat your addiction.....his wife

Ginette - posted on 02/01/2010

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Hi Michelle, I understand how you may feel weak for this man as i have stayed with my children's father for 10 years before realizing that I cannot change him......but I speak from experience about crack addiction because I was addicted and almost lost everything(even my life) before I decided to quit and it was the hardest thing I have ever done........if you ever need to talk please feel free to add me anytime..........and you are not at fault in any way, shape or form for his addiction..Hope everything works out for you and wish you the best.

Michelle - posted on 02/01/2010

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Jenny.....its ok. Thank you for responding back. Diaper rash, really...lol. God IS good and can do ALL things but fail, including clearing up diaper rash...lol

Michelle - posted on 02/01/2010

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Tresha.........thank you for your honesty. You have reminded me of something I have worried about for a long time. I do take precautions when dealing with my husband. The truth is, I will never know what my husband does when he is in a drug house, getting high. As much as I love him, he is NOT worth my life. The ten years I have known him, he has never stolen anything to get high. He always uses money that he has earned from working. Nothing has ever come up missing from the house and I have and will never put his name on the bank account. I'm not stupid:) just in love.....his wife

Jenny - posted on 02/01/2010

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Well that's a whole different story then, sorry. I am not familiar with your other posts and there was no indication of it in this particualr thread from you.

I get sick of people giving religious advice on every single post on the board regardless of the OP's intent. I've seen it on diaper rash threads for goodness sake lol.

Michelle - posted on 02/01/2010

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Jenny.......I have stated in previous postings, that I AM a religous and spirtual person. God is the only one that has sustained me thus far. I started this conversation on C.O.M. because I felt I needed support from other women, and believe me when I say, I have been uplifted by all of you!!! It has been refreshing for me to open up about my feelings, instead of keeping them bottled up inside of me. As I stated before, this is not a easy subject to freely talk to your family or friends about. The one friend I was able to talk to, about my husbands addiction, was my best friend, and she died unexpectedly. The other women who suggested I try churches or God, in my opinion, are NOT bible thumpers. Please, lets not put anyone down for their thoughts or suggestions. Each of us are here to help each other.......his wife

Michelle - posted on 02/01/2010

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Jasmine, thank you for the link to Intervention. Last week, I reached out to my sister-in-law, and told her that the family needed to do a intervention. She is on board, to help out in any way she can. The rest of the family knows first-hand of my husbands addiction, but acts like it doesnt exist. The problem is, he tells them that he is clean, and they choose to believe him. They dont see him on a regular basis, because they all live in different states. I forwarded her proof that he is still using and hopefully that will make a difference with the rest of his family. For the past several weeks, my husband has voluntarily given me all of his paychecks, but, I know its a matter of time before he slips under my watchful eye. I am looking into ways to have him put into treatment, and maybe the answer is the show Intervention, so thank you very much....his wife

Jasmine - posted on 02/01/2010

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Michelle, Sweet Heart; my heart goes out to. My ex husband wasn't a drug addict but he was a sex addict and in some way I know what you are going thur. Trust me Girl you have to think about your kids, Yes you love him. I loved My ex. I tried to get him help didn't work he didn't want it. So I gave him time on his own. He didn't even try. So i gave up. Sometimes you have to let a person free for them to understand themselves. Try and see if that Show helps you From A&E. I had a friend that went on their for her brother. and now he is doing great. Better then ever, here is their link http://www.aetv.com/intervention/partici... You never know maybe it is the answers you have been looking for. Try it girl!

Iysha - posted on 02/01/2010

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I have been in your situation. My fiance whom I have a 7 month old daughter with was addicted to Heroine. I didn't want anybody to know and felt torn between leaving him and staying. He didn't act differently he just always needed money. I found out when my daughter was 3 months old....he was out in the car before leaving to school and I took my daughter out to say bye and I saw him through the car window. I was in shock...I never thought that he would do something like that knowing that our daughter and I love him. I thought he knew better thatn to risk our family for drugs.



I am going to tell you somehting you may not like. You need to tell his family. You need to get the at home support and you need to figure out the best way to help him. For my Fiance, I was going to put him in a rehab center...one that was 3 hours away since it was the only one that took our insurance. His mom was going to pick him up and take him. What actually happened was that he wanted to stop, just couldn't because if he did, he would get miserably ill and Heroine isn't somehting you can just stop when you want to. Your body actually starts to need it, not just your mind wanting it. He was willing to accept our help and found someone to sell him the meds to do it. He detoxed at his uncle's house and came back when he was better...it took 2 days and then he was on pills. One pill a day until he eventually came down to half a pill than a quarter of one and he weaned himself.



Our story has a happy ending...he is fine, he isn't an addict (except for his damn cigarrettes) and my mind is at rest. It was hard telling his mom. I had to find someone that I could trust to help me though. Getting someone off drugs isn't something you can do on your own. You need to have a talk with him...let him know how it is effecting you and him and find out if he really wants to stop. If he doesn't, send him to a rehab. He needs to stop and if he can't do it alone, someone needs to help him. You can help him but you need help too.



It will seem like htings aren't going to get better and you yourself will feel miserable and afraid because well, you won't know how things will turn out for you. You will be okay and you have your kids to lean on.



My thoughts are with you. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more.

Jenny - posted on 02/01/2010

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Can the bible thumpers take it elsewhere please? I have not read one single word from the OP stating she is religious let alone the same one you follow.



So innappropriate!



Michelle, it certainly is a difficult thing to go through. I've been there with family members before. One we basically had to kidnap and detox ourselves, the other finally came to a place where he wanted to stay sober and did it on his own. Do you have any vacation time coming up? Perhaps some time away from his drug routines will help to clear the air and figure out what the next step should be.

Rebecca - posted on 02/01/2010

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Cheryl, yes methadone is considered another addiction, but it is used in getting people off of drugs under the watch of doctors and in time the prescription is taken down to a smaller dose. It is by far safer to go that route and under the eye of a Dr then to continue on the drugs. I have heard many great things about using this to get off of drugs and have yet to come across someone saying they had a bad experience from it. No i don't know a lot of drug addicts but friends of mine also have brothers or sisters using it to get off the drugs and have had great things happen...they get their old life back.
Michelle I am so sorry that this is so hard on you. Time will make it easier and unless he is able to be a bigger man and seek help and commit to being tested every week then it's not going to change and you will not feel any better. Yes, love is very strong. I have been in relationships i am not proud of becuase of the "love" but once "freed" i saw how life should be. Think of how much better the love will be once he is cleaned up and is strong for you. I have no doubt that he loves you as much as you love him, but if you stand by him during his drug use he is never going to take stand and change. Remind him that if he changes he will see so much more out of his life. He will be around longer and actually be able to enjoy his family. I'm sure his kids would love a "sober" father as well to see them grow up and some day walk down the isle.
I know this is hard, but you will have to face the day when you will need to tell his family. What if he is to OD? Do you think his family would blame you for not pushing for him to get help? I am in no way trying to be mean on this, i'm jsut asking a logical question so please do not get upset or offended by it. But the day could come that it does happen and you will need to sit down with his family and work out a plan for his road to recovery. Wouldn't' you rather skip the OD step and just help him get his life back. I'm sure you do:) Have you gotten in contact with local churches? There has to be something with a free program.
I wish you the best of luck on your family's road to recovery and i hope you are all freed from it soon.

Cheryl R. - posted on 01/31/2010

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I always felt strong too ! I am strong now, BUT you have NO power over him or anything about him , money nothing. If you don't believe me test him. The addiction will ALWAYS win in the end . IF GOD don't help him ! The man is a slave to that addiciton and you are just fitting in right now because in your own way you are assisting him . It may come a time that you may just pack up while he is at work or gone or something and begin this inevitable process . The man's family is hoping that YOU will bare all this and they won't have to get involved AGAIN . If nothing else it has torn their emotions up , unless they are robots . Start making a plan , it may not come for months but you have got to do something. At his age (If God don't help him) he may use till he dies and it may not be long. The ole" body can only take SO MUCH . Begin to PRAY ask God to intervene ,pray that this man not die lost . Don't know how you feel about God or being saved but in the end that is our only hope outside of what man can do . Man can do some but God has ALL power in Heaven and earth. Hang in there girl , and BE getting a PLAN together.

Michelle - posted on 01/31/2010

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Ladies.........this is NOT a picnic in the park for me. If I had total control of the finances, he wouldnt use. The problem is, sometimes he will not give it to me. I have done it all, meet him at his job on paydays, hide the money when he does give it to me, argued with him, reasoned with him, and begged him to go to treatment. Any time he has money, he uses, because money is his trigger. His prolonged use of drugs has already changed his personality. He is like a Dr. Jehykel and Mr. hyde. When he's sober for a respectable time, he is the sweetest and most loving man imanigible. When he uses, he becomes angry(including being angry at himself), isolated, and withdrawn. According to him and his family, he has been using for a very long time. As I stated before, I was unaware of any addiction, it was the families big dark secret. He is the youngest of eleven, and all of his siblings baby him, even though he is 57-years-old. His family does not address his addiction, and as a result, I feel that the whole burden rests on my shoulders. They act like it doesnt exist. He has been in treatment before, but not since he's been with me.Thus far, I have'nt been able to convince him to go.

A little bit about me.......I'm 44-years-old and was injured on the job and have a permanent back injury. As a result, I am limited as to what I can do. I have many retrictions and have not worked for two years. This alone, makes my situation that much worse. On the other hand, it gives me the freedom to monitor him more. And believe me when I say this, it is a job. I believe in my heart, that God puts people in your life for a reason. I really, really believe, that if I was not with him, he would be dead already. Just like, I believe God connected me with all of you, because i need the support and I'm gaining strength from you. I know this will probably sound crazy to you because it sounds crazy to me too, but, when I did leave him last year for a few months, he went buck wild using, and I felt guilty. I know that I cant save him and that he needs to save himself. Its crazy that I feel he will not make it if I'm not around. Addiction sucks in even the non user. I recognize that I'm just as sick as he is. His addiction has changed me as a person too. I find myself in a constant state of worry. I dont sleep well. I have anxiety now. The problem is, most times, I dont know which way to turn. This is NOT easy for me. I am watching the man I love kill himself. I have gone to counseling and believe me, this forum is therapeutic for me. I have a hard time talking about this to my family. I used to talk to my best friend about my husbands addiction, but she died unexpectedly two years ago, of a brain hemorrhage at 42 years old. I need you ladies!!! I am a stong woman I feel, except when it comes to my husband. Love is such a strong emotion..........his wife

Cheryl R. - posted on 01/31/2010

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As a living witness , all the posts above are true . The key is - You as an individual will have to come to your end - your bottom (with this situation) There can b NO tolerance for addiciton 000000. Behind addiciton , there are lies, deceit and 1000"s of excuse's of why they need it and NO ONE understands their situation . The man is on a dead end street and he will do whatever he has to to keep you there with him . Get a plan and STICK it out . Get past what he is saying and focus on the addiction - the man will sink or swim he has to . In the end seperation will possibly shake him down to possibly getting help. Praying for you and him.

Jocelyn - posted on 01/30/2010

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In response to Sharron (and since I didn't see it mentioned yet) take him to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. www.na.org and you yourself should go to an al-anon meeting. This will take a lot of work on your part, but please know that nothing you can do will make him do anything. He has to want to change on his own; hit rock bottom. Do what you can but don't expect real results unless he has committed himself to getting clean. Feel free to pm me if you have any questions or would just like to chat; my mother was an alcoholic and I was a coke addict. We're both recovered thankfully; my mom for 12 years and I for 4. :) This situation is most likely going to push you to your breaking point. It would be easier for you to get out now, but I know how hard it can be to leave. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that he has enough sense to go into recovery. *hugs*

Heather - posted on 01/30/2010

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wow, you are really strong to deal with a crack addict..they are very manipulating and controlling when it comes to their crack!! i feel you when you say that you want to save him..but I'm all reality you know that he is not ready to be saved and when he is then he will save himself.....you already know the answers, i read them above...you have to follow your heart and only you know how much you can take! good luck and if you truly want it to stop~then you must remove yourself and have a life you can be happy in...i totally understand how you feel when you say he is your soul mate and you don't want to leave but it may be your only way to fix his problem! hope the best for you!

Rachel - posted on 01/30/2010

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also you might want to go to an al anon meeting in your area, it could help you a lot

Rachel - posted on 01/30/2010

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you need to leave. sometimes it takes someone to hit rock bottom and loose it all for them to get help. i'm assuming you have kids? a family member of mine is an addict as well and his wife isn't. my in-laws got involved and took custody of the kids b/c cps was notified of the drug abuse and b/c the mother knew it was going on. be careful, he could get you into a very bad situation. you need to put your babies first, it's your job to take care of them, they come first. sorry if i'm being harsh but wake up and smell the coffee. i know how hard it is, trust me, but you need to find that inner strength and walk out that door. and you never know if you and your children could be in danger, drug addicts will do anything to get high, lie, steal, cheat. what if he owes someone money or steals something from the wrong person. you are enabling him and you need to show him that you aren't going to put up with his behavior. i'm very sorry and good luck!

Sneaky - posted on 01/30/2010

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Ummmm, I know this is something you probably have not considered . . .he may be a completely different person when he gets clean. You may not even like him let alone love him. I know he has periods of sobriety, but that does not give you a clear picture of how his personality will be when he is clean because he is still controlled by his addiction.

There is also the very real and very scary possibility that long term drug abuse will eventually cause irreversible changes to his brain chemistry and his personality - if he keeps it up then five years from now he will not be the same man you married, he will not be the man that you love now.

Just some food for thought.

Leanne - posted on 01/30/2010

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If you can't leave him, like you say.. Try to work something else out..

When he gets paid from work arrange it so that it goes into your account and he handles none of it. I'm sure it can be done and hopefully this will help a bit.

Katherine - posted on 01/30/2010

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Honey I know doctors, lawyers, police officers, CEO's, Federal Agents you name it....addiction doesn't pick certain people and it's not the "stereotypical' drunk in the alley begging for money in tattered clothes. Does he even acknowledge his problem???? Do you both acknowledge how serious this can get??? Maybe he needs to spend the night in jail and maybe it won't happen today or tomorrow, but I guarantee it will happen. Even addicts get sloppy.

Cheryl R. - posted on 01/30/2010

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Without God few can get free and stay free from an addiction. Have never been addicted to anything in my life but those around me ( including my husband) have. Drugs and alcohol are a key to the humans emotions that Satan , the devil , what ever you want to call it uses to captivate us . It is all about deception , to make us feel there is NO HOPE in our situation . Don't buy it , seek help ,PRAY to GOD and try to find a way out if not for your family , for you and your children. DON"T PUT IT OFF

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and dont make ultamatiums make expectations and no he will no change unless he wants to i used to be addicted to cocaine and stpped cold turkey bc i met my (now husband) and knew it was worth it... i agree worst week in my life but well worth it... i dont know how i got to that point in my life bc noone could stop (i.e. family members or friends that enabled me as well or my boyfriend at that time) just get up and leave either with him or not a change of scenery is always best..

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if you really love him you have to let him go... easier said than done but if you are enabling him than you arent any better.... maybe you both should get some help... try church...

H.J - posted on 01/30/2010

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I know from experience you can not save somebody who does not want to be saved if he wants to be saved he will save himself. You can get through this but only if you have a great support network around you. Also you need to seek counseling too it doesn't just affect him. Trust me if he truly loves you he will do the right thing and go to rehab and it does work!!! He may relapse but you have to be there when he does and catch him when he falls. Make sure when he gets out he attends meetings and don't take his word for it drive him to and take him into his meetings!!! This way you know he is going. Have you heard of non-voluntary admittance into rehab, you can admit him against his own will!!! He will hate you for it but it is for his benefit that you are doing it and once he becomes clean he will see it. Send me a pm if you want and I can talk to you more.

Michelle - posted on 01/30/2010

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Rebecca......I pray that God continues to bless your sister, on her road to recovery!!

Michelle - posted on 01/30/2010

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Ladies........thank you. I appreciate each and everyone of you. The problem with ultimatums is, I dont follow through. I have packed my bags before, but stay. Last year I left him and his addiction became so bad because there were no sanctions. He begs me to stay, and as I previously stated, I am weak when it comes to him. We do not have any children together. I am a 44-years old with two grown daughters, who both live on their own. I did not know about his addiction for many years. He is not the average looking addict; very clean, well dressed, well spoken, maintains a job, makes good money and comes from a good family. Obviously he has an addictive personality and that includes his interactions with me. When he's at work or away from me, he is constantly calling me or always saying he wants me all to himself. I guess I eat this up, because I love him so damn much! When he goes on his binges, he doesnt eat or sleep and he doesnt come home until he's broke. He smokes his drug of choice in whichever drug house he's in.At other times, he hands over his entire paycheck, and I handle the money(which is his trigger). When I threaten to leave him, he tries harder to stay sober. I am tired of the game......his wife

Katherine - posted on 01/29/2010

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Ultimatum time!!!! Addiction is an ugly thing. It is only going to get worse until something so bad happens there is no going back. You love him? Tell him either OR. It's affecting your entire family, money, manipulation, maybe his job....there is a ton of support out there. I do have experience with addiction and it is very very difficult. He may have to hit rock bottom before he gets help. Has he been in trouble yet? I feel for you and if you need resources I can direct you, but you HAVE to HAVE to give an ultimatum.

Crystal - posted on 01/29/2010

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Do you have kids with him? You need to be strong and tell him to get help or get out! He won't want to lose his family, so I'm sure he would get help. You should not have your children around that lifestyle. I know you love him, but you have to think about your kids and your own life.

Cheryl R. - posted on 01/29/2010

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B/T/W addicts make choices and there shoiuld always be consequences to our bad choices .

Cheryl R. - posted on 01/29/2010

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I have enjoyed reading all the post. Did want to say something about methadone , it is in comparison to heroine . Yes. it is good for a spell but in the end they say that it is another addiction. Let them get weaned and get off methadone , have known of some boy's that have been on it for years . That is a NO NO .

Rebecca - posted on 01/29/2010

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Michelle, my sister is the same person as your husband. Our family found out about her drug use of crack,oxy and dilotas over the last 6 years becuase her boy friend and father of 2 of her children refused to give her any more money and she called the cops saying he was beating her. He got on the phone with my mother the second he got out of the house with the kids and told her everything. He has saved her life.
We did an intervention in December. We lined out a step by step plan that she needed to follow before she could even apply to get custody of her kids back. The first step on her plan was to get help and do rehab. On Jan 14 she walked in to our local hospital and said she wanted her blood work done so she could start treatment. She has been on the methadone ever since and has been doing great. Yes it's only been a few weeks, but the fact that she can not have her kids until she is clean is her big thing. She was never a good mother in my eyes and her apartment was always disgusting...like food on the floor, dishes over piling in the sink, the kids in dirty clothes, but now, her apartment is spotless and she cleans every day! Her mind has been cleared and she is starting to get the real picture. Our family is coming back together and in all honesty, if he never told us what she was doing our family would have been torn apart. He has done her a big favor and gave her a new life in a sence. They are no longer together becuase of her problems and in all honesty they are not right for each other, but he has the kids and they will remain with him until her treatment is done and she passes every pee test.
My advice to you is to take the kids and leave. Tell him you want a straight husband and you didn't sign up for this when you married him and your kids deserve better. Tell him when he gets the help you feel he needs he can reenter in your lives. Was he on drugs before you married or is this something new? I know churches in our community offer free counseling for couples and families so maybe this is something you can look in to also. It is a hard thing to deal with, but if you do not stand up for your family...who will?
I wish you luck and i truly wish he gets the help he deserves. And the support you need:)

Jessica - posted on 01/29/2010

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my mothers husband is a crack addict and honestly she is still with him. he is not my dad, they got married 5 yrs ago and she though she could save him as well. He spends the checks the same way and lies to her face to go use, but from the child of a mother who is with a person like that, i has ruined our family. i wont let him go ne where near my child and there for she can not see her ither, it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. my mom is a very strong person just like you but after the yrs of dealing with him she now is just a shell of a person. i dont even know who she is any more. If you know he is not ready and it has been this long, you have to think of what your kid is going to think as they look at there daddy and ask you why your still there. because sadly kids arnt dumb of whats going on for long. I hope and pray for you and your familys sake he can get clean, but from some one who has watched someone struggle with the same addiction, its realy not up to you, and it wont matter how many times he says he will do it. i hope you can be strong enuff to relize your heart may love the person but your brain is rite on this one, all it does it wear you down and thats now fair for you or your child. good luck

Rachel - posted on 01/29/2010

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I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Remember there is support available for you when you are ready. It may be helpful to point out to your husband that he threatens the safety of your children, and if he is caught and charged with drug related crimes, you may be dealing with social workers who you have to convince that they should not take your children away. While it is hard to have the strength to stand up to your sould mate like that, addicts need to know that they have hit bottom before they are ready for treatment. And even then they will try to manipulate to have some semblance of control. Good luck to you!!

Cheryl R. - posted on 01/29/2010

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If he refuses to get off the drugs and get help you have got to cut him loose. Until you force his hand he probably will never get off the drugs . If he gets off (truly gets off) that is when he will face the biggest giants . Most addictions are just the surface problem , most have DEEP rooted problems behind the addiction . Yes, I am living with a man that is a recovering addict and it is very hard for them to get off and stay off. It can b done but most of the time you have to force them into quitting or seeking help. Good luck , hope you all know The Lord and that will help beyond any other means that man has. As long as you enable him ( and you are , even by staying ) he will continue to use and yes it will progressivly get worse . They will sink anyone close to them . If he wanted to quit he would seek help.

Sharon - posted on 01/29/2010

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Aw man. I'm so sorry hun.



I'm sure his life is worth saving - especially since he manages to stay just this side of right and keep your love.



What about trying some meetings? I forget what the ones for drug addicts are called but they're like al-anon meetings.



Start there. {{{ hugs }}}

Lucy - posted on 01/29/2010

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My heart goes out to you, Michelle, but I think you have answered your own question. The reason your husband is not ready to deal with his problem is because he doesn't have to. If he thinks you will still be there to pick up the pieces no matter what he does he has no incentive to seek treatment. My advice is to find out as much as you can about treatment and medical support available for your husband, give him all the info and LEAVE. You need to cut off the support that is just perpetuating his problem, I know this sounds cruel, but it is the best way you can show your love for him. There is clearly a solid relationship underneath the drug problem, so it needs to be dealt with so that further down the line you can be together again. You know in your heart that this is the only way to save your husband and your relationship. xxx

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Pray ask God to guide and direct you. Because as a wife... we love our husbands and sometime its hard for us to really deal with the reality of them doing something wrong. God will give you strength to do the right thing.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/29/2010

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Honey, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. But you cannot do this alone! Please seek help...for you and your kids, not just him. You are a strong women for wanting to stay with him and love him...but it takes a stronger women to get the help their family needs. It will never be your decision for him to stop, even though you feel the full weight of this problem on your shoulders. I truly feel you do not need help from any of us, even the ones who have had these experiences. Nothing anyone says in here is going to make you seek help except for yourself. He is exposing your family to many problems (ie jail, hospitalization, unstable household, money issues etc the list can go on) and this is nothing that I need to tell you. I believe you are already aware of all the consequences of him not cleaning his act up. You have a tough road ahead of you, but unfortunately it may take a long time for you to realize it is your road..not his. He has his own demons to deal with. You can be the women he needs for support, but without enabling his habits any further. Until you are ready to walk out..that is exactly what you will be doing. I truly wish you and your family the best of luck, and I truly believe when one person has an addiction in the family, the whole family suffers. You made the first step by trying to talk about it. What is your next step?? Good luck and God bless you and your family.

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