my husband is out of control and im out of my realm of comfort

Leonie - posted on 05/12/2012

Shelly I feel compelled to add further to my earlier post. Tracey has already mentioned that sex must be involved here and I agree. $150-$200 a day is a very big habit. That's about $1400 a week. You are in a place that is notorious for drugs and prostitutes. I don't think you fully realize how bad this could get. What about some parasite pimp suggesting to your boyfriend that he could be earning bigger money by pimping out your son. I feel horrible to even mention this but we had a case here in Australia about a year ago where a mother and stepfather had been pimping out their 11 year old daughter, it is further sickening that they had over 100 clients seeing their little girl. Please listen to wha others have suggested, leave and get to a shelter just until you are on your feet. Seek the support of Al anon etc or some domestic violence counselling ( verbal abuse is domestic violence). This will provide you with the support you need to become stronger. You and your son don't deserve this life and you can change it. I really wish you the best. Post and let us know how you are going!

Brittany - posted on 05/12/2012

I know you love this guy, but I want you to know that a man worth your heart will love you more than himself. This guy puts himself before you and his child. Would you ever marry a man who took care of himself before his wife and children? Never. But that's what he's already done. He is putting you two in great danger!! Even if you don't feel like you're in danger, think of your son. It is YOUR duty as a mother to protect him, no matter what it takes.You are precious, and you are worth more than what he has given you. A man who brings danger to your life is not worth giving your life to! Be around people who will guard your heart and protect it. Not someone who will break it. Jesus Christ loves the church (His bride) and gave his life for "her." Men are called to love their wife like Christ loves the church. Men who will not lay down their lives for you, are incapable of truly loving you. Laying down your life for someone is not just saying, "Oh yeah, baby, I would die for you... us girls get confused by this at times. If he isn't there for you in a time of trouble, whether he thinks it's a time of trouble or not, he is obviously not laying down his life for you, but instead making you lay down YOUR life for him, and his CHILD's life, for himself. I pray that you will see how beautiful and priceless you are to God, and that you will seek a man who would truly lay his life down for you, like Jesus has.

Savannah - posted on 05/11/2012

Take your son and leave! Leave the state, stay with family, change your number...whatever it takes. You are in a horrible situation, but more you are keeping your son in that situation. Neither of you deserve that.

Tracy - posted on 05/11/2012

You yourself said you don't know what he is doing to get the drugs. I think you do know that nothing is beneath him and deep down you already do know that sex is involved. Do you really think he is going to worry about condoms if it is to get a fix at the time. Get wise, get out, and get tested and for your sake I hope you do not have HIV or have been exposed to AIDS especially for your son's sake.

Yvette (Betty) - posted on 05/06/2012

Leave him... .if you don't leave him you are enabling him to continue with his behaviour..Certainly you don't want your child to learn this behaviour from him. Sounds like if he hasn't hit bottom yet that you have... Get out of there... run... don't walk... get some counselling...leave... and maybe he'll come to his senses when he sees that he can't play your emotions any longer... Safety first... your childs and yours... ...

Joanbezuidenhout - posted on 05/06/2012

I am very sorry to hear of the terrible time you are experiencing - I have known people in very
similar situations who were afraid to leave because of all the various threats made to them. In
the end they made the decision to leave with their children because no one deserves to put up
with such abuse and the safety of the children is most important - what would happen to your
child if he should really hurt you - or even hurt both of you? I know it will have to take a lot of
courage to leave - you say you still love him? he is not worth your love if he continues in the
way he is now. Think of yourself and your child - your safety - there is a better life for you out
there. If he has not been prepared to change and treat you as you deserve to be treated - he
does not deserve you. I can only hope and pray that you find the courage to seek help for you
and your son and get out of such an abusive situation before something bad happens. God bless
you! Joan Bezuidenhout

Karen - posted on 05/06/2012

Alanon. Is the best thing for you

Michelle - posted on 05/06/2012

Get the few things you have, take your son and leave. Go to a woman's shelter, or a relatives or anywhere that you can, first and foremost GET YOUR SON OUT OF THAT ENVIRONMENT. Face it, you are one step away from being homeless.. Nothing good could come by having a child living in a cheap ass drug motel. I am a mother of three (14,13 & 7) now and just 16 short years ago I was the one on the other side (putting the use of my drugs ahead of everything else).
"He continues to tell me i'm the only one who can help him by taking him to score and letting him have the money when he asks and be nonjugmental as well as understanding and sympathetic! I know thats a bunch of crap but the problem is i do not use drugs i have never used drugs and i have never had an addiction." This is manipulation ~ he will do or say anything to get you to stay and continue to enable him. It is the drugs talking.

I know it will upset you now, and it is not giving up, but the best thing you can do to help the one you love is to pick up and leave them, giving him money or taking him to score is just enabling his disease (and yes, chemical dependence or drug addiction is a medical disease). I had to lose everything, including all the ones I loved, to hit my bottom and realize that I needed help. Yes, I was angry then (when my friends and family loved me the hard way by no longer enabling my disease) but it didn't take long for me to realize that they did because they could no longer sit there and watch me slowly kill myself.
If you don't have the strength to just pick up and go, try attending a nar-anon or al-anon meeting, the people that go there are or were in the same place you are at now and can possibly help by sharing their experiences with you or at the very least giving you a safe place to vent about what is going on.

Laura - posted on 05/06/2012

*LEAVE*HIM*NOW. Get your child away from him and don't go back. Go to a nar-anon meeting, then go to another one. Honor yourself and your child. You don't love him, you are addicted to him. His addiction and his behavior is not your fault, but if you stay and something happens to you or your son, that will be on you. You can only help him by helping yourself. Be strong-you are a woman and we are strong. Good thoughts your way. Good luck.

Mollie - posted on 05/06/2012

Check into alanon or narconon in your area for yourself! Good luck

Mary - posted on 05/06/2012

I agree with everyone else on leaving, especially while he is at work if that is the safe route. I also understand you not wanting to give up. But your not giving up! Your making him become a fighter too by making him fight for himself and for you guys. And you are fighting for a life for you and your child. Fighting is the hardest thing you can do in life and seems like you have been fighting a lot. Don't give up, just change the cause. You always have help, even when you think there is none.

Bonnie - posted on 05/06/2012

Shelley - Someone who is addicted is not even thinking straight. He is going to say the things that he knows he has to say to get you to stay. He needs professional help to get over something like a drug addiction and your son does not need to be around when that is going on. Your fighting instincts need to be for your son and not for trying to save your relationship with your husband. That is HIS responsibility after the addiction is in remission. You leaving may be what he has to experience to get the help he needs. Many churches run support groups for addictions but also classes just for moms. You may want to try and find a good church to get the support you need! They often have counseling at low or no cost as well. The help for you is out there!

Michelle - posted on 05/06/2012

Honey I have been there and it will not get better. Crack can make him hallucinate and he could kill you and your son. Or worse just your son then you are left to grieve and feel guilty. Get out now and never look back. Please I beg you do it for your son. There are shelters or go to the police they will help you or a church. I promise you can do it. I left with my 2 children with nothing and was scared as hell. I left and never looked back. Well he just died 4 months ago of an overdose I left when my son was 2 he is 20 now so that tells you they hardly ever change and you can not change him honey. Do you want your sun to grow up like this? You are both worth more than this.

Shannon - posted on 05/06/2012

You need to take your kid and get far away from him!

Kate - posted on 05/06/2012

Dearest Shelly,

I know you must feel so stuck and afraid. Please, for your own sake, leave this situation as quickly as possible. If you have no one to go to, look for a women's shelter, a church group, a community counseling office, free clinic, anything, to get help for yourself and your child. Your partner is not rational at this time, and you need to be safe and strong for yourself and your son. I see that no one held back, as you requested !! :-) That is what we have to be for our sisters; Please feel the love and concern from this group, use it and take care of yourself. We are here for you in thought and prayer. Make the leap, my dear. God is with you every step of the way.

Wanda - posted on 05/06/2012

I hope one of the things your Grandma is helping you do is file all the necessary papers to get full and legal custody of your son as soon as your residency is established some place where it will be very hard for him to find you.. and believe me an addict like him will go to extreme lengths to find you if he thinks he can get something from you.. I know this because I divorced my 2nd husband after a 12 year marriage that included addiction to crack and meth.. he's never going to change because he can't deal with the truth of reality in life..

I'm praying that you will have a place to go that he won't have a chance to find you.. anyone that you both know can NEVER know where you are going and you can NOT have any kind of contact with anyone that still talks to him.. if this is something that you don't have to worry about then it will make relocating that much easier for you!

I pray for the safety of you and your son in the coming months, and please know that while the thought of the changes ahead of you may seem overwhelming, the end result will be so amazing when you are able to realize how much better your life will be without that kind of insanity affecting you.. Thank God that you have the help of your Grandma to help you remove yourself and your son from this terrible situation! I would also suggest that if you think it might help you work through things to find a professional counselor to help you through the rough spots!



God Bless and I hope you keep posting to update us on your future success!! :)



If you have any questions feel free to pm me and I'd be more than happy to help you!

Vanessa - posted on 05/06/2012

You should leave!! It won't be easy but in the long run will be better. Your son deserves to have. Better life and so do you. I have been in your shoes before and it wasn't easy at all, the only difference was that I use to use coke to. But when I wanted to straighten up he wanted to continue and got to the point he slept with another women to get what he wanted. It also got physical to. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's been four years since I've been divorce and happy where I'm at. I've busted my ass and live on my own again. You can do and believe me you will feel better later on! Good luck!

Helen - posted on 05/06/2012

OK HERE IT IS STRAIGHT HE IS PLAYING YOU FOR A FOOL,
AS FAR AS NOT GETTING HELP BECAUSE SOMEONE WHO
READS SOMETHING OUT OF A BOOK CAN'T HELP HIM IS
1. BULLSHIT BECAUSE IF HE EVEN TOOK 2 SECONDS OUT
OF HIS SELF ENDULGDING ADDICTION HE WOULD KNOW THAT
99% OF DRUG COUNSELORS ARE RECOVERING ADDICKS !!!
2. THE BEST THING YOU COULD DO IF NOT 4 YOURSELF THEN
4 YOUR SON IS 2 LEAVE AND NEVER LOOK BACK B4 ITS 2 LATE
AND HE ENDS UP BEING AN ADDICT JUST LIKE DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!

JENN - posted on 05/06/2012

Omg. I'm sorry. You need to leave. He's an addict. Your SON will be affected by what's going on. He's just threatening you - they are most likely empty threats. You need to do what's best for your child. You can get assistance through the state. I haven't been in your shoes, but I'd live in a homeless shelter before I would where you are living. Do you have a support system, family or friends? You should reach out to someone. And honestly you don't know what he's doing for drugs so I wouldn't even kiss him let alone be intimate. Good luck. I pray that you leave.

JENN - posted on 05/06/2012

Omg. I'm sorry. You need to leave. He's an addict. Your SON will be affected by what's going on. He's just threatening you - they are most likely empty threats. You need to do what's best for your child. You can get assistance through the state. I haven't been in your shoes, but I'd live in a homeless shelter before I would where you are living. Do you have a support system, family or friends? You should reach out to someone. And honestly you don't know what he's doing for drugs so I wouldn't even kiss him let alone be intimate. Good luck. I pray that you leave.

September - posted on 05/06/2012

This doesn't seem healthy for your son. You need to start putting your son's needs first and its time to leave him. You will have to show your husband some tough love. No its not easy but if you want better for you and your son you will have to make some changes. Change starts with you. Peace of mind is priceless.

Jodi - posted on 05/06/2012

Get they police involved, take your son, and go to a shelter for women & kids! You deserve better!

Stacey - posted on 05/06/2012

You need to think of you and your son, sometimes love isn't enough to stay with someone. Do you really want your child to be taken away because the state doesn't think you can keep him safe? If he wont go to rehab YOU still need to go seek some sort of couseling for you and your child. If you don't have a clue as to what he's doing when he's out why on Earth would you want him around you much less have sex with you? It's not just you and him anymore there's a child involved here!

Ginger - posted on 05/06/2012

You are an amazing woman, by staying and trying to see the good in someone you cherish dearly, but unfortunately for you and your prized possession, he will never change. I would hope and pray for you that he could change to make a wonderful and safe life for you and your son but that doesn't seem likely to happen in the near future. I wasted 10 years of my life on drugged out males thinking that, that was all I deserved as they kept telling me that. Until one day I woke up one morning and said "I am better than this". Within the next couple of months I had a full time job, a car and was on my way getting my own home loan. If you leave, you and your precious son will be amazing together and have a wonderful life that you both deserve, it will amaze you how wonderful things can really be. All the best and may you and your son be happy xx

Sherri - posted on 05/06/2012

Hi, I have been in your shoes just a different drug. It will be hard but you will have to get out before something bad happens. My father, both uncles and half sister and now my finacee' have all been addicted to drugs, you can't help someoe that wont admit that they have a problem, You can't help someone that doesnt want help. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they will see the situation and want help. Until then there is nothing that you can do, in my case my uncle got help through the jail system and my financee' is getting help now too. It can be done, but your husband needs to want to get off of the drugs and right now it doesn't sound like he wants too. Hang in there, I will be praying for you and your son.

Maryanna - posted on 05/06/2012

you better get out of there quick before he hurts or kills you and your kid, my God get help!!! you are in danger!!

Kela - posted on 05/06/2012

You are really going in over yourself trying to rationale with a person that is focused on their addiction to a drug that is mind altering. What is troubling is that if you are a fighter you have to have enough strength to fight for you and your child well being. You have to be strong and get you and your child out if this situation. You are living in a hotel, is that really where you want your child to grow up living. If this man loves you then he will be granted strenghr to come to you when he has gotten himself together. When a person is on drugs they simply change into someone you have no clue about. But be strong and get yourself out because at this moment his addiction is not going to allow you to take care of what's the most important and that's your child. Get yourself in church, surround yourself around people who want to help you. Be faithful and obedient to God and he will direct your path.

Nicole - posted on 05/06/2012

I was in ur shoes leave him now , i know itll be hard, but you must or ur son will take on his fathers habbits! If you need any advice you could message me

Tina - posted on 05/06/2012

I think you really need to get yourself and your son out of this situation and away from him. It will not get better only worse. You need to do this for yourself and your son now. He may not be physically putting his hands on you now but he is still abusing you and your son emotionally. And it's only a matter of time. What would happen if u refused to give him money when he asks for it. He could harm you or your son. Neither of u are safe until u are away from him. You cannot change him this is his addiction and only he can stop and change his life and by what you said he doesn't even think this is a problem. GET OUT Now!

Kelly - posted on 05/06/2012

I disagree..."crackheads" change all the time. I know.many with 10-15 yrs sober :)

Kelly - posted on 05/06/2012

I agree with Deanna about getting somewhere safe. Then if he gets help ..and some time (a ur minimum) start slowly if ya want.to.save.the marriage. No one is beyond change. I am 5 yrs sober off whiskey ..believe me ..I was thought of as never gonna walk away from whiskey. ..it can.happen. praying for yal

Adriane - posted on 05/06/2012

Leave and Leave now!!! I speak to you with experience. My mother went through that for years when I was a little girl. This man was not my father and I hated him so much for putting my mother through it. You say he does not hit you well it will start, he has a sickness that only he can cure. A crackhead will not change if you tell them to they have to want to do it for themselves. My mother almost lost my sister, he picked her up by her neck when she was 6 months pregnant because she wouldn't give him money, then through her into a glass table and almost killed her. That is not healthy for your child to see him like that. Believe me I know what you are going through and how you feel, but you have to leave in order to keep you and your son safe. I will keep you in my prayers but please leave I am begging you to get out of there and do it fast!

Nicki - posted on 05/06/2012

I think you just need to leave befor it gets to the point were he could hurt or your son I have seen a lot of people that use and that don't vary often change there way I know a lot crack heads some in my own family they say they will never hurt there family but useing that's what there doing is hurting you guys and it seem like to me you have lost a lot already. And aplace like that is no were to rais your son so I would say take the last step and get your son and self out of that life

Jackie - posted on 05/06/2012

I am glad to hear you are leaving, you do desearve better. He don't sound like he wants to change. I am an ex addict but thankfully now I am clean from drugs. By you staying with him is actually enabling him to stay the same, oh and it will get worst, it NEVER gets better. He is not interested by the sounds of it to stop. Lots of people who work in treatment centres have been through it themselves. There are lots of NA meetings all over the world which is actually run by recovering addicts, there is also no one at these 12 step meetings whose only understanding is from a text book! They are recovering addicts!

You need to learn to let go of him. I hope he changes but don't rely on that. Do what you can do to make u feel better about yourself so you won't put up with it no more. He is not being a positive role model for your son, only you can be and you can do it with the right support. Alnon meetings will be good for you, so please find the courage to go and you will find you are not alone in this type of situation. I had to let go of my sons father to because of drugs, I found the strength to stop using, thank God, so I could be a positive role model for him. My son is now 10 and he has not seen his father, sad but true. They can't be a dad when they r in that crazy world of drugs, they have no concept of love or being responsible, the only need they have is for their next drug. Good luck to you and learn to love you, not him he is not worth it xx Also read a book "Women who love to much" it may help you to understand why u stayed in this relationship so long, Good luck and be strong xxx

Deanna - posted on 05/06/2012

*hugs* that's aweful :( he is abusing you. go to the WMCA if you can. it will be difficult, but you can do it. you're a fighter. stop fighting for him. fight for you and your child. I wish you the best of luck!

Kelly - posted on 05/06/2012

There's a reason the song some.people.change was written. I am not saying stay in that situation but for those who have not walked in ur shoes it's easy to.day leave and don't look back. Praise God Jesus didn't do that to us. Google Jesus friend.of.sinners ..casting crowns... just saying....

Marva - posted on 05/06/2012

My dear this is not giving up it is making a decision for yourself and your son, he has made a decision that the drugs is more important to him than the commitment he has made to u, u won't win this one, get out before it becomes soul destroying, and you have to ask, "what examples am i giving my son about living and acting like a man". That sort of behavior on your husbands part affect children for the rest of their lives, if they are made to live in it and see it from day to day. Plus children are more likely to repeat that choice if they live among it, daddy is telling him "this is how men behave", is that what u want for your child.

Linda - posted on 05/06/2012

I hate to tell you this but you are not a fighter and have given up. You have given up on your son and yourself. You are fighting to stay in a world of hell and forgotten that you are the only help your son has and yet you seem proud to be fighting to stay where he and you can only suffer more and more.

Become a fighter for your son and become someone who will never give up his life to drugs or anyone who takes them or has any contact with them in their life. Your husband is lost to drugs and you are jumping in his mess and taking your son with you. Until you leave you are not a fighter and you have given up to the drugs as surely as he has.

Leave before children's services take your son or worse he gets hurt when your husband explodes as he surely will.and you have nothing but the memory that you let it happen.

Nancy - posted on 05/06/2012

Get out, get out, get out. My late husband was an alcoholic. Addiction is addiction. You love him but he loves the drugs. You need to get help for yourself & your son. Call a church, start going to Al-Anon. There IS help for you, but you need to make that phone call. Do this for your son & yourself. God's blessing on you.

Jane - posted on 05/06/2012

The environment you are in is not good for you nor your son. The life that you are living is bringing you no happiness. Your husband doesnt want to help himself.

You deserve better. If you receive no affection or respect from your partner, why do you want to stay with him? He has told you HE DOESNT LOVE YOU - listen to what he is telling you.

You say you are a fighter, but what are you fighting for - to have more unhappiness in your life?

Dont suffer, dont waste any more years of your life Shelly. Be strong, move out ( I know this might mean short term hardship, but believe me it is worth it) and find happiness for you and your son.

As for the threat to kill himself ; I see it as just a way of making you feel guilty.

Vicky - posted on 05/06/2012

Leave, you need to get yourself and especially your son out of this situation. You need to be strong for your son and not let you partner use emotional blackmail to keep you there anymore. It will be hard at first but not nearly as hard as what you are going through now. Dig deep pack yours and tour sons things and head for that better life that's waiting for you.

Cahlin - posted on 05/06/2012

Ok well I can tell from experience u need to leave. Unless he has some kind of consequeses he is not going to seek any kind of treatment. I have been on both sides of the fence my husband is a recovering addict and I myself have 2 years clean and honestly until a person hits a rock bottom they feel they r fine. Unfortunately everyones rock bottom is different. Do u and ur son have anywhere u can go? Maybe even a womans shelter? That's what I did and they helped me get an apartment. But if u leave u have to put ur foot down and tell him that until u see some change u will not allow him back. I am so sorry u r going through this. Stay strong and if u have any questions about addiction feel free to message me I'm an open book.

Keva - posted on 05/06/2012

I have been in the same place you are at now and my worst memories is that I allowed it to go on for as long as it did and I mean the affect it had on my daughter. She experienced everything I experienced and I hate that! If you won't leave for yourself, please leave for your son. That's the greatest gift you can give him, a life of stability, peace and structure! You don't want him to pick up on these types of behavior nor do you want him to become so accustomed to that environment, that when it's time for him to run from it he won't because he's use to it!!!! Please get out. Why would you want to keep punishing yourself and your child. If your husband wants to do this to himself then let him do it to himself and not you and your child! Wake up and I'm saying this because I had to and it didn't take 5 years to do it, it took less than a year!!!!!!!

Keva - posted on 05/06/2012

I have been in the same place you are at now and my worst memories is that I allowed it to go on for as long as it did and I mean the affect it had on my daughter. She experienced everything I experienced and I hate that! If you won't leave for yourself, please leave for your son. That's the greatest gift you can give him, a life of stability, peace and structure! You don't want him to pick up on these types of behavior nor do you want him to become so accustomed to that environment, that when it's time for him to run from it he won't because he's use to it!!!! Please get out. Why would you want to keep punishing yourself and your child. If your husband wants to do this to himself then let him do it to himself and not you and your child! Wake up and I'm saying this because I had to and it didn't take 5 years to do it, it took less than a year!!!!!!!

Rebecca - posted on 05/06/2012

Seriously, its time to go...for your sake and your son's.

Christina - posted on 05/06/2012

LEAVE! You & your son deserve better. There are women's shelters & groups that can help you.

Angie - posted on 05/06/2012

i am in this exact situation- i have had to press charges for domestic violence 3 times now- the first i felt bad and took him back after he swore he would change and not do it anymore- the 2nd i asked the judge to help him- he was put into residential drug/alcohol treatment that also provided abuse therapy and parenting classes...then had a probation officer after the fact- to check in with and a whole other set of drug and alch. classes and group sessions to attend...DID NOT HELP! it has to be them that wants to change- no matter how much WE THINK we can change them if we only loved them a little more, listened to them, did more for them- whatever in our heads makes us think that we are their salvation and can change them for our families sake and for the kids...WE CAN NOT! it has to be them, for their reasons, in their time...and for the sake of our kids- we have to be strong enough to leave and seek our own help and protection. My situation is very recent for his 3rd charge..and i had to escape the house after spending several hours of being hit n choked and threatened to kill us all if i left- he was under the influence of alcohol and prescription pain meds (and lots of them, he was abusing them)...i knew i had to make it out to call 911 and save my kids from what became a nightmare- i could have died that nite- my kids could have been killed, all because i wanted to try and help this man that i loved and thought i could change. ive heard the hurtful things you did all too many times- you need to have enough respect for yourself and need to protect your child to leave, otherwise- they are growing up to mimic what they seen in their childhood to know as being right to do, and im sure you love them more than that to want better for them. i feel for your situation, i really do. i feel soooooo much better having him gone!!!

Autum - posted on 05/06/2012

my sister has been in a realtionship like this and its not easy but if you can leave him what are you going to do when its to late and your son gets taken away from you and you cant get him back is that what you want cuz it has almost happen to my sister and she woke up and left

Ronda - posted on 05/06/2012

Your child DESERVES better!! If you can't leave for yourself, then do it for him!!

Pat - posted on 05/06/2012

What state or county are you in??? Where you are using a computer is where you should seek help? If, nothing else go to a police station but then you will NEVER be able to go back to HIM... Forget HIM and take care of YOU and your CHILD...