My husband is very harsh (physically and verbally) towards our 10 year old son. How can I ensure he does not cause permanant harm?

Beverly - posted on 09/25/2011

My father was exactly the same way. The best thing my mom did was to finally leave him and take me and my brothers with her. The only mistake she made was not leaving soon enough. Go now, before something even worse happens.

Ranelle - posted on 09/25/2011

Leave Now!

Beth - posted on 09/25/2011

In my opinion you need to take your son OUT of that situation. This is going to destroy his self esteem and could cause great problems now and in the future. I am a teacher. I know what happens to kids when there is this lack of support at home. You are his mother. NO ONE should be allowed to treat your wonderful son this way. Be strong and leave. You will both eventually be much better off. I am so sorry to say this, but it is the truth. Think of your son, please!!!!

Janet - posted on 09/25/2011

Sounds like counseling and/or a separation are in order. Not good at all!!

Joanne - posted on 09/25/2011

There is just one question you must ask yourself. Is this what you want your son to think of as a normal relationship? If the answer is yes, then don't worry. However, if your answer is NO (as it should be) then you have a difficult decision to make about how and when you will end this abuse... and it IS abuse. PLEASE talk to an attorney or a local organization that deals with domestic abuse!

Diane - posted on 09/25/2011

ouch, you need to stop this. It will only escalate. Talk to your husband privately about it, never in front of the children. To me, if he does not stop, it will permanently harm your son. It is a deal breaker. I pray it all goes well.

Valerie - posted on 09/25/2011

What is happening in your home is harmful to all of you. Verbal and physical abuse by your husband will cause irreparable harm unless you get help

Carolyn - posted on 09/25/2011

Take your son and leave. Men like him never change.

Penny - posted on 09/24/2011

Unless people try to change and grow as adults they usually mimic what was taught to them in their household which means if you do not break the cycle you may one day see your own son treating his son the same way he was treated.
Can you live with that ?

Casey - posted on 09/24/2011

That is abuse. You need to seek intervention for both your child and yourself. It is a destructive cycle and you MUST stop this NOW. There are programs and people in every community that can help you get the tools for change....you don't have to do this on your own! I personally do this for abused women/children in my own community. Your son needs a positive male influence, not someone who will teach him to abuse.

Mary - posted on 09/23/2011

I hope you seek some professional help because your husband sounds like a very abusive person. This pattern of abuse can escalate into a dangerous situation. He is also teaching your son that men are allowed to be abusive.

Tracie - posted on 09/23/2011

Oh honey you need to get your son out of that situation as soon as possible. Your son will learn his harsh behavior if not already towards friends. You need to be strong i have been through this before and my daughter is 13 y/o. I am here if you need anything. I am a child advocate and YOUR SON NEEDS TO COME FIRST!!!!
Hugs From Chicago...

Mary - posted on 09/23/2011

Um duh, he needs help

Wanda - posted on 09/23/2011

Even though everyone here is telling you to leave this man it is much harder than it seems. Your husband needs to learn to control his anger and stop taking things out on you and your son.It sounds like he needs to see someone and have some professional help with his anger management. Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that let alone have physical confrontation. It is very sad that your son has to live in a house where he fears his father. Your husband really needs to get some counseling as well and you and your son.You should sit your husband down and talk to him about this and see if he will accept some professional help other wise your marriage is going to suffer great harm as well as your sons self esteem and relationship with his father.Your both grown ups and both know that what is going on isn't right and in return making everyone suffer. I am sure that you both know it is wrong and if your hitting your husband as well then you both need to seek some professional help. Good luck to both of you especially your son.

Mona - posted on 09/23/2011

He needs anger management and the Lord ! Get him help quick before more damage happens. may God bless you

Amy - posted on 09/22/2011

I am in COMPLETE agreement with these ladies. In any state, if physical abuse is brought up, you will get sole custody. We all get frustrated at times, but your son should not be scared. There are fantastic father figures out there, and if not, it sounds as though you are doing a terrific job as a mom. You son is definetly old enough to remember, and there may be damage already done. Coming from a mom that has gone through a abusive relationship with my kids there, you can do it. The hardest step is the first one out the door!

Melissa - posted on 09/22/2011

Been here VERY recently with a boy the same age..
Unfortunately as much as we love the 'father' or 'father figure' we need to put our children first..
This IS classed as child abuse and since you are aware of it- YOU need to act.. I know it sound simple and I know it most definately is not- especially since getting physical..
From my experience, you need to see if your partner will seek councelling- with you or with out.. Most of the time the 'offender' has had a troubled childhood (no im not giving them excuses) hence why I say councelling is required..
The 'offender' in my case refused until it was too late and he lost his family..SInce he has sought councelling and I believe he is a better person (from what others have said).
If he does refuse- I suggest you leave him otherwise you, or your son will end up hurt, in hospital or worse..
Get some councelling for you and your son too.. I didnt and my son still has issues with trusting mainly males but people in general.
Do what is right for you and your family or you may just lose your child..
All the best with what ever you decide..

Vera - posted on 09/22/2011

It is so sad and so scary for both you and your son. Everything your husband is doing is so unhealthy for your child. Please protect him, find help, talk to someone about it and please please don’t be scared to reach out, don’t allow this way of behaviour to become normal or just a survival for you and him.

Shanea - posted on 09/22/2011

Rati I know this situation all to well my mom has been married to a monster for over 20yrs. I encourage you to remove you and your son from this enviornment and if your husband is not willing to get help and work on himself and relationships with you and your son then? This is not good for you or your son believe me this could cause your son to resent you in the future for not protecting him this could also make him think that this is the way men are supposed to treat their family. I pray that you find the strength and courage to do what needs to be done and that there is hope for your husband if he will first aknowledge that there is a problem then get the proper help. It's a terrible thing to live in fear I wish the best for you and family.

Nicole - posted on 09/22/2011

I ma sorry to hear that my husband does the same thing to my 11 yr old and I have noticed that the tention is gettin worse between them I know people say to leave but its not that easy my best advice is to u sit your wonderful son down and reassure him that u love him and that u will be there for him i guess its kinda like ur ganna have to go to bat for him but never i repete never forget that ur a wonderful mother

Virginia - posted on 09/22/2011

Get help to stop this ...I see and hear a future of abuse! Only to worsen not improve!

Hanna - posted on 09/22/2011

Ask your husband if he wants his son to fear him, or respect him? The respect comes from positive reinforcement not screaming like a cave man!

Linda - posted on 09/22/2011

This is abuse!! your husband needs parenting classes at the very least. This child needs tobe removed from this whole scenario. Nothing good can comeof this boy being treated in this manner

Dixie - posted on 09/22/2011

When I was young, my father scared me by yelling, and threatening me so much that I couldnlt concentrate. The more he yelled the worse I did. That will never happen to my child. My mother should have protected me better. Now they are both dead, and I feel not sorrow.

Sylvia - posted on 09/22/2011

get the biggest frying pan you have and hit your husband over the head with it,or if that fails get a bigger bloke to abuse him,then see how he likes it,BULLY!!!!!!!!!!!xx

Victoria - posted on 09/22/2011

Get out! It never gets better it only gets worse. I used to be in a very abusive relationship and my kids unfortunately had seen this go on for a few years. Now even though I got out my kids still have issues that they go to counseling for. My daughter is terrified of my husband if he even raises his voice a little at anyone she will bust into tears scared that someone will get hurt. My oldest son has some anger issues himself that get him in trouble at school all the time. Luckily my younger boy seems to be the least affected but because his big brother is now displaying theses bad behaviors he thinks it's okay to do the same. I know from experience that you can think of a million and one excuses to stay but trust me there is help out there that can help you with any excuse you have. There are shelters that will help you with every need you have to be able to safely get on your own two feet. Please please don't wait til something really bad happens. In my case it was when he caused a miscarriage when I was three months pregnant. It was horrible I nearly bled to death. The thought oft kids not having me to protect them was enough for me to realize I was already being negligent and as soon as I got out of the hospital my dad and sister helped me move out even though I had stopped talking to them and ignored their wishes for me to have left long before I did they were there still waiting to help me when I was ready.

Michelle - posted on 09/22/2011

Please, please, please get out now! Your son only has you to protect him. I will be praying for you to find help. You actually sound very calm in your posting which makes me think that you are used to this behavior and have accepted it. It's going to be hard, really hard, but you will both find that life does not have to be this way.

Amy - posted on 09/22/2011

Have you tried seeing a marriage counselor or family counselor? I would try this step first because there may be a way to enrich your marriage and family by doing so.

Tina - posted on 09/22/2011

I'm a domestic violence counselor and have also worked with men who use abuse in their intimate relationships. Your story sounds all too familiar. Believe me, I know these situations are never easy especially when it involves people you love. Sometimes there are so many other obstacles that stand in the way too (ie., economics, emtional ties, faith, fear of further abuse, lack of outside supports) that factor into the decision to stay or leave. When abuse is going on, usually family counseling isn't going to necessarily help. Domestic violence is based on power and control and family counseling is more conductive when any forms of violence and abuse are not present. If family violence is disclosed in family counseling, most therapists would probably stop and request individual work done first.
Please also know that any abusive behaviors your husband is displaying are NOT your fault or your son's.
With all this being said, I wish the answer was easy. Most women tell me they just want the behaviors to stop and unfortunately, we can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do. Your job is to take care of yourself and your son and be safe. Does that mean leaving--that answer lies with you, but I can tell you that in most cases where physical and verbal abuse are present, it usually gets worse and more sophisticated over time. Sometimes this is called the cycle of violence. It sounds like your son is already afraid of his father and the home envioronment and it sounds like you have reason to be concerned. As others have said, there is help out there. Good luck.

Nicole - posted on 09/22/2011

YOU AND YOUR SON need to LEAVE, this is not healthy in any way, shape or form for either of you and will only progress.

Marcy - posted on 09/22/2011

I`m so sorry that you have to go thru this & I hope this post gives you some hope & strength. It saddens me to read this especially when the reality that this could have been me & my boy @ a later stage hits me.... I was also in a very abusive marriage that I decided to walk out of the day my sons life was treatened by his father, picture my 2 year old son standing on the passenger seat of my parked car & his father that is supposed to protect & love him unconditionally decides to smash in my windscreen, his 1st punch was on the passenger side right infront of my sons face, his knuckle actually came thru... hearing the screams of my boy kicked me into gear & I filed for a divorce but the trauma & stress this caused my son felt never ending, for almost 6 months I watched my son go around attempting to hurt other kids, punching any glass he sees & acting up. it took extensive play therephy & patience to get him off all that. its almost a year to the day & my son still has weak moments where the anger shows thru & when he is asked y his reply is but my daddy hits my mummy..... this is not something any child should witness or experience, if you staying in the marriage in the hope that it gets better trust me after 9 years I can honestly tell u it does not, If you are staying cos u are dependant on ur hubby TRUST me if you are motivated enuf you can do whatever ur heart desires.... i`m sure you dont want to end up with a bully as a son also.... All the best with this & Good luck...

Rena - posted on 09/22/2011

A child should NEVER be afraid to be in the presence of their parent!!! NEVER! Parents are who you go to to feel safe, if your son doesn't feel safe. He doesn't need to be afraid in his own house. It will do serious damage. It starts small and only gets worse if not dealt with. You don't need to be where you are not listened to and thought of as an equal. Let alone in a place where you have to physically defend your thoughts and your son. You need to get help. Suggest therapy to your husband, if he is dead set against it, you need to get you and your son OUT of that situation ASAP!!
Think about what happens when you're not around to protect him...

Jennifer - posted on 09/22/2011

Please protect your son, I have heard sooo many stories about children getting seriously hurt, when the mom (or dad in some cases) could have prevented it by pressing charges or just leaving. I've personally dealt with an ex like this...I left

Judy - posted on 09/22/2011

first and foremost you need to take yourself and your son out of that enviroment. your husband needs to see a counsler for angermanagement issues. this is no way for the both of you to live. especially your son . what is the most imporant thing to you. your child it is your duty to protect him and your self seek help good luck

Caralee - posted on 09/22/2011

Your husband needs anger management and you all need family counselling. In my opinion, you can't work on your family situation while living under the same roof. I firmly believe that divorce is the last option after you have made an effort to save your marriage and family life.

Hopefully you can finacially handle finding a safe place to live to protect your son. It's hard to clear your head and make real decision when you can't remove yourself from the situation.

Good luck, my heart goes out to you and your family.

Jennifer - posted on 09/22/2011

:( Sorry to hear this. May I suggest that you request your husband to seek a counsellor or speak to a doctor, he could have something going on like a mood disorder....and if he refuses or it does not get better than Just leave. Your duty is to protect your son, and if need bem place charges as well. they will make him see you will not put up with it and it is also a good thing to have for when you need to take him for custody...Hope things get better for you and your son

Jenni - posted on 09/22/2011

I am so sorry, this is a very difficult and heartbreaking situation. Domestic abuse, physical and mental can be very damaging to its victims.

Your son is clearly living in fear of his father. You need to get you and your son out of this situation as quickly as possible. In many domestic abuse situations it's common to rationalize and make excuses for the abuser's behaviours. You may find yourself just "trying to keep the peace." Or believing you're doing the best thing by staying with your son's father so he has a father figure in his life and that the alternative would be much more damaging. You'll find to achieve this you've been playing the peace keeper and doing your best to 'protect' your son from his father. I can assure you, as a child survivor of domestic abuse, this is NOT the best situation for your son.

It is very damaging to him and yourself. Far more damaging than growing up without this man in his life or with limited supervised visits with this man. Staying in domestic abuse situation perpetuates abuse and turns into a cycle of abuse. Often times child victims of abuse become victimizers themselves in adulthood *or* enter abusive relationships themselves.

He is looking to his father as how to be a man. He does not need a poor example of a male role model in his life. He sees his father treating women and children this way, he will normalize it. He will think it's these behaviours are acceptable.

He needs you to show him that these abusive behaviours are NOT OK. By not accepting them, leave. You are not helping anyone, especially your son by staying in this situation. It is damaging him, more than you know.

I have little faith that these men can change their ways. Of course, it would be very important that if he wants any kind of relationship with his son that he seek professional help. But I would fight for supervised visitations only with a 3rd party.

Your son and yourself should also seek professional help in the area of domestic abuse survivors. Plenty of therapy for yourself and your son is a MUST. Also, involving him in programs like Big Brothers would be helpful so he can experience and learn from positive male role models.

Your son's extreme fear of this man is a redflag to get him away. Your son should not be living in fear!

Be Strong and get the help your family needs! Put your son first and get him out of this situation.

Marjorie - posted on 09/22/2011

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. Your husband clearly needs help. Anger management, anti-depressants, something. Is there someone other than you and your son that he respects that you can talk to that can influence him to seek help and to stop the abuse and destructive behavior? This is very damaging and very sad. You and your son should be treated kindly and with respect and NEVER physically hurt and handles. I can assure you that your son will be a man before you know it and if your husband isn't careful he will loose your son completely. He will also be physically capable of defending himself and you! Your husband needs to stop the violence now before it gets worse. Get help ASAP whether it's a family member of a counselor, please don't wait. I will pray for you!

Christina - posted on 09/22/2011

Rati, 1st - keep in mind that how your husband treats you will become learned behavior in your boy and he will grow to be the same, to you and other women. 2nd - I really hope you listen to what others are saying here. Your husband is abusive and you need to prepare yourself and your son to leave this man. You need to call the police when he is like this. He does not need to hit you, just feeling threatened is enough. Document in writing his words to you and your son and how it affects your mental health. Then after police involvement you go to a lawyer who offers a free consultation and ask about filing a PFA (?) It's short for Protection From Abuse. It is to officially file in local courts that he is abusive and you are starting a paper trail on him/the abuse. Your husband will get served official papers that he needs to move out. You can bar him from the house for 2 years with this and maybe be able to either straighten him out in that time or keep going to court, file for child support , file for divorce. Protect youself and your precious boy!!!

Amanda - posted on 09/22/2011

Your family tells you and you know full well that your husband is abusive with other family members, this isnt just you and your son. Again I stand by what I have said!

You are in a controling abusive relationship, and you are dragging your son down with it. You want your son and father to get along, but your husband cant get along with anyone. So how do you expect this to happen? It is clear your husband isnt going to change at all. In your own words you say he excuses this behaviours because "thats the way he is"

You want to make up for being away from your son so long? Then protect this boy, and remove him from his fathers care.

I lived with a man just like this (the father of my first two children), the best thing I ever did for my children, myself, and my ex was leave him! Ten years later, my children have a great relationship with their father, I also have a good relationship with him as exs go, and he is a happier man. It took him many years and many failed relationships to figure out he was the problem and not the woman in his life, and I am glad he is now getting the help he needs. But I refused to wait around and watch his ruin everyones lives around him for his own anger issues.

Just remember, if you arent a part of the solution you are a part of the problem.

Ramona - posted on 09/22/2011

Agree with so many of the earlier posted reply... your responsibly is your sons life & well being... This make me sick to the core when I think about the harm this situation doing to him... and you! You need to look after your son! He's worth a safe,loving,educational & fun upbringing... all children need that! Make that happen... it's not right to stay in this situation. Good luck to you & your son*

Patt - posted on 09/22/2011

Verbal ad physical abuse of a child DOES cause irreparable damage to them. The scarring may not be external, but the scars are there. Dad should get some anger management. If he's not willing to, then Mom & son should get out of Dodge.

Ethel - posted on 09/22/2011

When you end up in a physical fight to protect your child, you don't think he is being harmed?? Abuse is not just hitting. When you walk around with that feeling like you are walking on eggshells, just waiting for the blow up...it's time to get out...especially if your child feels that way too. When your child avoids his father, he is living in fear...which is no way for a child to live...Either he will grow up to fear people or learn that he has to bully to get his own way...Get out for both your sakes!

Sarah - posted on 09/22/2011

It is too late. By allowing this to continue you have already caused your son permanent psychological damage (any kid having to avoiding their dad for those kinds of reasons is pathetic)!. If you want to give your husband the right to treat you worse than a dog at least stop him from doing it to your kid and send your kid to live with an aunt or something.

Jennifer - posted on 09/22/2011

The damage, unfortunately, has already begun. I would seek family counseling and if your husband will not agree to go, it may be time for you and your son to start a life on your own. I am sorry.

Caren - posted on 09/22/2011

Get this man to a doctor, and go your self! Walk away from this violent man!

Sarah - posted on 09/22/2011

i say just put it this way, how would you feel if one day your sons girl friend came to you with a black eye and said your son did it because it was something he learned from his father? do you really want your son learning that its ok to hit or yell. or one day when you have grand kids if THEY come to you with a black eye will that be ok? so why is it ok for him to do it now??

Cruzmaribel - posted on 09/22/2011

This is not a good sign. You know that and You have to be strong for your son, Keep your husband away from that privilege of spending time with your son, The permanent damage will happen when he see that you do not do something to change his environment from harsh and chaotic to peaceful and harmonizing. You do the right thing for the children. It is better to be a single parent then to be accompanied by a tyrant and raise fearful children.

Laura - posted on 09/21/2011

Oh God, don't let this continue! My father was the same way with me and it haunts me still. I started stealing money from my dad when I was in middle school, and kept on for a lot of years. It took a LOT of therapy to finally realize I was stealing to try to "get back" at him, get some revenge. Since I was frightened of him I couldn't do it in a confrontational way, so I guess this is what my brain devised!
My brother and I have maybe 20 memories from our whole childhood. The rest, we've chosen to block out.
Please, don't allow this to continue.
If you're not going to leave a coward who hits you, then leave the coward who is hurting your son.

Cheryl - posted on 09/21/2011

GET out fast this exact thing happened with my son turns out he did more than yell when I wasn't around then he was threatened if tell... You get the picture! RUN for the love and safety of you and your son.