My husband just told me he has fallen out of love with me.

Kate - posted on 09/28/2009 ( 392 moms have responded )

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We will be married for 8 yrs. on the 6th of Oct. and we have been together for 10 back in April. He sat me down last night and poured his heart out telling me that the spark is gone and that he has fallen out of love with me. He doesn't know when,why or how. He said it just happened. We are intimate at least on the adverage once a week, which I thought was pretty good for having two girls 7 and 2. He just initiated it last week while I was trying to make dinner. I just don't know what to do. HELP!

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Cristina - posted on 10/04/2009

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I feel you, I went trough the same thing 3 years ago. we were together for 8 and he just felt that he wanted to move on we had 2 kids at the time they were 4 and 8. I never saw it coming it hit me like a bomb!!! It was so hard for me to stay focused even to get on with my life but you have to for the children they need you more than ever, we never stop to think what they feel only what we are going trough. Let him go even if it's hard it gets better ever day and try not to talk to him about you only about the kids. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. 6 months after, I was finally getting use to the fact that he was out of my life for good. Then he realized how much he missed us and we have been together ever since it will be 11 years this October and now we have a beautiful baby Girl Mya. Keep your head up and stay focused on the children get out and have fun. I hope all goes well and just stay focused! Much Love Cristina

Jackie - posted on 09/28/2009

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I have an issue with the line "falling out of love". You really need to sit down with him and find out his definition of love. You can't just fall out of love with someone you truly love. You can fall out of lust with someone that you truly love. That being said you need to find out the truth for yourself. Is his definition of love warped by society and the media? Does he think lust is actually love or is something else going on? I would also like to add that sex has very little to do with love. If my husband and I never had sex again we would still honour our vows of until death do us part. Because love is expressed in a million other ways then sex. I'm very sorry for your situation and I would definitely get to the bottom of it for your sake, your husbands sake and your childrens sake. Nothing worse then someone throwing something great away because they think the grass is greener on the other side; all because some sappy love story movie told them it is.

Donna - posted on 10/04/2009

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My bet is he either is having, or considering having an affair.

Jackie - posted on 10/05/2009

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Tough one! Sounds like he's going through a mid-life crisis. If you love him and you want him, time to change your routine. Are you looking like a baby's momma? Are you acting like a wife? Are you constantly giving all of your attention to the baby? Men are like children who simply want us to make a big deal out of them. As wives, we really don't. We know they exist. Your husband may be feeling like he needs to regroup. A family group that is paying attention. If you don't wear make-up, add some to your life. Put it on. Chances are the receptionist in the office is showing off her assets. Red lips, tight top. Life is a game whether you choose to play or not. If you don't play, you simply lose. If you play the game, you have a shot at rebirthing your husband's love. Now drop it like it's hot!!! LOL

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~Jennifer - posted on 10/04/2009

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Thank you, Ladies, for your responses to this thread.

[deleted account]

The in love parts come and go. In between, you hold on out of respect and love for your spouse and your kids. Spend time listening to each other and dating again. Write each other love letters. Your decisions are more important than temporary feelings. Read some books about realistic visions of marriage. Seek counseling if you can't get back on track. Best wishes.

Cheryl - posted on 10/04/2009

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Kate, in such a short period of time with marriage maybe he was not in the same place you are emotionally. I have the same problem in my marriage only reversed. You can have counceling but if he is not ready then you go alone. it will help you deal. Take care of you and your children. My heart goes out to you. Be strong. It is not a necessity to have a man in our lives to make us whole.

Gina - posted on 10/04/2009

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Wow, that really sucks but if he truly doesn't love you anymore, be greatful that he has told you now. And are you sure, he doesn't love you, or is it that he doesn't feel as if he is in love with you? There is a difference, you may just need some marriage counceling. Either way at least he isn't pretending to feel something that he doesn't feel. I think that because he's actually talking about it, there still may be hope.

Diane - posted on 10/04/2009

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Sorry to hear, Marrage is a journey as is life so through life's Journey keep kindness and friendship, this things out live all other feelings. Pray over your family and your husband and love him unconditional no matter what happens.

Susan - posted on 10/04/2009

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try a consellor, sometimes when children are involved its very hard to get time to yourselves time that is very much needed , to keep that spark flying.. every couple goes through this ....IT can get better if you and hubby are up to trying new things to put the spark back into it. Take time to explore the reasons yoou fell in love in the first place, leave your children with gramma , auntie , who ever are willing to give you guys a break to explore if you still have something worth saving......DONT give up its not over yet

Monica - posted on 10/04/2009

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I am sorry to hear that. Counselling would probably be a really good idea. See if somebody could take the kids for a weekend and go away to talk things out. Sometimes it's hard to remember why we stay with someone after so many years, but taking the time to talk and work out your goals together really help.

Sonia - posted on 10/04/2009

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Quoting Betty:



Quoting Kate:

My husband just told me he has fallen out of love with me.

We will be married for 8 yrs. on the 6th of Oct. and we have been together for 10 back in April. He sat me down last night and poured his heart out telling me that the spark is gone and that he has fallen out of love with me. He doesn't know when,why or how. He said it just happened. We are intimate at least on the adverage once a week, which I thought was pretty good for having two girls 7 and 2. He just initiated it last week while I was trying to make dinner. I just don't know what to do. HELP!






Dear Kate:






Having relations is extremely important in a relationship.  Being intimate only once a week is not enough.  You both need to remember the times you spent together before the children came.  After we have children each parent is focused on responsibilities and the children tend to monopolize our time.  It takes a lot of effort to spend time with our spouses because of the exhaustion each feels at the end of the day.  If you and your spouse want to save your marriage you both need to spend alot more time together and spice up your quality time together.  I wish you the best.  I've been married for 31 years and I've experienced myself. 





 

Betty - posted on 10/04/2009

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Quoting Kate:

My husband just told me he has fallen out of love with me.

We will be married for 8 yrs. on the 6th of Oct. and we have been together for 10 back in April. He sat me down last night and poured his heart out telling me that the spark is gone and that he has fallen out of love with me. He doesn't know when,why or how. He said it just happened. We are intimate at least on the adverage once a week, which I thought was pretty good for having two girls 7 and 2. He just initiated it last week while I was trying to make dinner. I just don't know what to do. HELP!



Dear Kate:



Having relations is extremely important in a relationship.  Being intimate only once a week is not enough.  You both need to remember the times you spent together before the children came.  After we have children each parent is focused on responsibilities and the children tend to monopolize our time.  It takes a lot of effort to spend time with our spouses because of the exhaustion each feels at the end of the day.  If you and your spouse want to save your marriage you both need to spend alot more time together and spice up your quality time together.  I wish you the best.  I've been married for 31 years and I've experienced myself. 

Sonia - posted on 10/04/2009

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I am so sorry to hear this news. I would suggest counseling if he really wants to try and work things out. You know, at one point I thought I was falling out of love with my husband. I loved him but felt like I wasn't "in love" with him anymore. Then I realized after much thought, it's that feeling of being in love I was missing. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you see the love of your life. Your heart starts beating faster and you get all jittery. That feeling is very addicting. It's like a drug and when it no longer happens, you crave it and continue to try and get it back. When I couldn't, I thought that it was perhaps time to move on. Then I realized, if I fell in love with someone else, that feeling of being in love would eventually fade as well, with me, or perhaps this time, with him. That is when I decided that I needed to focus on my family and me as well. I started to exercise to feel more energized and over the course of a few months, dropped 37 pounds. I started receiving a lot of compliments and many from my husband. My husband started paying a little more attention to me, taking me out for dinners and "date nights" and it just seemed like that spark we had was coming back. I loved the attention I got from him and vowed to make it work. We talk a lot now about anything and everything. Communication is very important, more important than sex. You need to set alone time aside for both of you. Take a weekend getaway without the kids. Talk, laugh, go down memory lane, especially the time when you met and fell in love. I know that when I talk about how I met my husband, I re-live that happy moment over again. Don't give in too soon. Good luck to you.

[deleted account]

always remember that it was nothing you or the kids did to make him feel this way. I don't believe that he doesn't know the reason why he feels this way, as there is always a reason. Couples councelling may help reveal why his feelings for you have changed. Good luck and be strong.

[deleted account]

Quoting vickie :

sit down and watch Fireproof together. Its the best movie ever. you can find it in christian bookstores



AMEN sister. THe best movie ever. I was going to say this but I checked to see how many had already said it, I didn't want to be a repeater.

[deleted account]

Quoting Peggy:

I believe like you Lisa M. My husband and I have been married for 34 years and together for 35. We have fallen in and out of love a dozen times over the years. It just happens by God's grace it was never at the same time! We have survived, financial reversal, illness, depression, injurys and illnesses, caring for our elderly family, the loss of our oldest to cancer, a child on drugs, one with ADHD and behavioral problems,etc. You name it and we've been through it. Yet we never considered divorce because we have the same belief that we, for better or worse, belong to each other and are married for the duration. In the end we are happy with each other. We're not perfect, and we argue and disagree, but we never allow it to change our feelings for each other. There is something to be said for "letting go and letting God". Once you give it up to him, don't take it back. Go on about your daily life and let God work it out for you. God bless you both. " Forgive those who tresspass against you as YOU want to be forgiven"; works every time.



This is the best REPLY that I have read about this. YOu should print this and put it on the refrigerator.

[deleted account]

Quoting Jessica:

marital counseling is the #1 answer. If he cant figure it out and neither can you... you need a professional opinion asap!!! My husband went through the same thing and I waited too late:( to get the counseling. He ended running off and doing a bunch of things he now regrets and hurt me very deeply. We are now seeing a therapist and working through all of the issues which is tough but we are finding that when we dig deep we still found that we really do love eachother. Yes we feel out of love but we are determined to make it work, for our kids and most importantly for eachother. Don't give up! It is worth fighting for! And the fact that your husband came to you pouring his heart out is a good sign!!! It means he cares.



NO , couseling is #2 God is #1. Pray about is sweetie. I just said a prayer for you. If you dont have God in your marriage, get him there. You and your husband find a Church if you dont already have one and get some friends involved, that can be your counseling. God is the answer. I am so sorry to hear that another family may break up. Han d in there and try to do stuff that you both used to like to do when you were dating. REKINDLE THE SPARKS.

[deleted account]

I dislike the word "fallen" when referring to love. We do not fall in love or fall out of love. I am a christian so the word love may have a different meaning to me. Love is not a feeling it is a choice. Love is how we treat each other. There is a difference between attraction and love. He may be out of lust for you. I suggest some counseling for the two of you. Divorce should not be an option here. With a good counselor, I suggest a christian counselor, the flames can be rekindled.

Mona - posted on 10/03/2009

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I am a pretty positive person.. but I would find ways to try to remind him of the you.. he married. Be spontaneous.. date night... woo him back. I dont know.. it hurts to hear a man say that.. but it might be because some other women is looking better to him. Dont let him go without reminding him what a wonderful love you both had.. show him romance.. love.. support..

(then if he still leaves you.. take him for everything he has.!)

Cindy - posted on 10/03/2009

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Sorry to hear that someone could be so cold after 10 yhears and say oh i fell out of love with you. I am very sorry to say but i have been a private investigator for 20 years. i have seen lots of on the rocks marriages and there has to be a reason for the fall. Get some couples help but if he wont go get help yourself. If you dont have the financial means you can go to a church for help. I have been there, getting help myself, he wont go, still together still married dont know for how long.

Vickie - posted on 10/03/2009

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sit down and watch Fireproof together. Its the best movie ever. you can find it in christian bookstores

Yvettta - posted on 10/03/2009

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Think about what it took for him to fall in love with you when you first got married put some romanic back in his life

Nakima - posted on 10/03/2009

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I can't begin to imagine how you feel. Maybe it is not that he fell out of love. It could be that you guys need to put the spark back into your marriage. Maybe you need counseling. Try backtracking to where you guys first met to see what made you both fall in love in the first place. I pray things work out.

Holly - posted on 10/03/2009

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Sadly this story is very familiar to me...save yourself some pain and agony and don't wait around for HIM to decide. I did that for over a year and in the end the result was the same. And along the way he did the right thing and cheated on me (dripping with sarcasm) I filed for divorce end of August, and although it is very scary, painful, etc, someday I will find someone that wants to be with me and you will too. I would suggest trying counseling...best of luck to you!!!

Libbie Or Liz - posted on 10/03/2009

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Oh my goodness...I am so sorry! I know that is such a small word, but please know you will be in my thoughts/prayers. I would sit down and talk...really talk. No distractions (tv, kids, phone, etc.) and listen to him. I think the only thing that is best to do is to take excellent care of yourself...first and foremost, you have to put yourself on the front burner. I truly hope that all works out well for you and your family. Best Wishes! Liz

Jeannine - posted on 10/03/2009

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Every situation is different and it IS possible to "fall out of love" with someone. People change and when they do, your feelings undergo changes. They aren't the same person you fell in love with and sometimes there's just nothing you can do about it.



There's been a lot of good advice given, but in the end, you have to make the decisions that are best for you and your family. Do NOT feel that you are a failure or didn't do everything you could. Sometimes it just doesn't work and nothing you did or didn't do could have changed it.



Good luck and God bless.

Randi - posted on 10/03/2009

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I recommend reading the book "The Five Love Languages". It is a very good book and will help you figure out why people "fall out of love" and what you can do to fix it! Best of Luck and Lots of Prayers...Take Care

Rosemary Murphy - posted on 10/03/2009

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Kate, first of all pray for your marriage. Next ask him what he thinks happened. Sometimes men have jealousy issues after a baby is born. You stated you have 2 kids and one is only 2 years old. Do you have date nights, where it is just the two of you or is everything always the 4 of you? Are you working as well as being a mom? Lots of things happen when you are a young family trying to make things work. Everyone gets so caught up with daily living that you forget to make time for each other. Try going to Church together and setting God as the Cornerstone of your family. I will pray for and your husband to work this out.

Keasha - posted on 10/03/2009

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I felt this way regarding my ex-husband...we had been together since I was 16. I would have liked if he would have shown me that there was still "us" in the mist of our family. When we become parents our roles as partners to our spouses do not change. We can sometime get lost in the duel roles...leaving one in the wind while we try to perfect the other. My advice is to do things to remind him why he fell in love with you. Show him that he is just as important as your two girls. Being physical is just a part of it, not all of it. I hope this helps!!! I wish you the best of luck.

Peggy - posted on 10/03/2009

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I believe like you Lisa M. My husband and I have been married for 34 years and together for 35. We have fallen in and out of love a dozen times over the years. It just happens by God's grace it was never at the same time! We have survived, financial reversal, illness, depression, injurys and illnesses, caring for our elderly family, the loss of our oldest to cancer, a child on drugs, one with ADHD and behavioral problems,etc. You name it and we've been through it. Yet we never considered divorce because we have the same belief that we, for better or worse, belong to each other and are married for the duration. In the end we are happy with each other. We're not perfect, and we argue and disagree, but we never allow it to change our feelings for each other. There is something to be said for "letting go and letting God". Once you give it up to him, don't take it back. Go on about your daily life and let God work it out for you. God bless you both. " Forgive those who tresspass against you as YOU want to be forgiven"; works every time.

Patty - posted on 10/03/2009

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I am sorry to for you Kate, but if your husband truelu lovd you unconditionally, he would not have fallen out of love with you. Also, the fact that he feels this way towards you but still initiates sex with you, is just saying that he is either looking for relaese or is just using your body to make his feel good. Soory if this seems kind of cruel and harsh, but I have been there. Not fun and regardless of your feelings of love of rhim, you have got to stop letting him take advantage of you. You may not think he is, but if someone claims to not love you anymore, why would you continue to let them have your body? You wouldn't do that for someone you just started dating would you? Again, I am sorry if I seem Harsh, but I have been there 13 years ago. After 2 kids and 13 years of being together, I found out that the relationship was nothing but sexual and we had nothing at all in common.

Tina - posted on 10/03/2009

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I totally agree with Ashley! My husband and I have been married for, well Oct. 17th will be 23 years. Not every day of our marriage have I loved him and I'm sure he has felt the same. As humans we are not perfect or will we ever be as long as we are here on earth. We made the choice to continue with our lives together and raise our three children. IIt's been a long hard row to hoe(if you know what I mean). But it has definitely been worth it. If I could go back to the day we said our vows I wouldn't change it. I believe children need a mom and a dad(not always possible). I knew it was my responsibility to provide that for them. I think your husband needs to put his children first and make the decision to take his vows seriously. After all that's the way God intended it to be. Good luck to you and remember prayer always got me through and if he makes the wrong decision do your best and that's all God asks.

[deleted account]

sounds crappy. but it also sounds like he's letting you know, which a lot of men wouldn't. you say you have kids 7 and 2? mine are 5, 3 and 2. keep an open mind, sit down and make a list of how you can help him. spice up life. go on dates again. have more sex. let him know that you are not just mom. this whole thing started with you two, you are first, then kids. if you make it the other way around you will be a single parent. the couple needs to be solid. its hard, kids take over, i know it. but your family will fall apart if the two of you stop being a team! best of luck.

Deb - posted on 10/03/2009

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I'm sorry to hear that :( best of luck to you and those beautiful children you have together:)

Ashley - posted on 10/03/2009

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Well for instance Love is not a feeling its a decision because feelings always come and go and emotions are deceiving. According to God's Word the only reason for divorce is if one of you commits adultery which means have an affair. Thats the only reason unless your spouse is a non christian and wants a divorce then thats ok but the christians no matter what must work it out and make a committment just like your wedding day he made a covenant before God that he would always love you for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, to death do us part, etc. so he needs to man up and work it out. Falling out of love with you is just an easy way out and an excuse when times get tough but he needs to man up and make a decision to love you unconditionally

Jackie - posted on 10/03/2009

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This has just broken my heart to read!

Please ask him to watch Fireproof with you.

It's worth your time.

With Concern...

Jessica - posted on 10/03/2009

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Sorry to hear about your troubles. I have been there before and to be honest that was the excuse he gave me before he left with the other woman. There is no such thing about falling out love. That's a cop out. Sometimes we have the habits of letting ourselves go. Not taking care of how we look and take care of our man. So I went to the gym, lost some weight, got a nice haircut and sure as hell, he came running back. Something about he made a mistake and to please forgive him. So I, the forgiving person that I am, DIDNT take him back. A marriage is a lifetime commitment. Not only when I look good and pretty. Keep it steppin buddy cause I want someone who is going to love me in the good and the bad. Now he is broke, alone and bald. LOL. So hopefully my experience can help you. Be well.

[deleted account]

Try Mimi Tanner and Bob Grants's online E Books. They helped me a lot. I was almost raising two boys by myself but with the advice from these books my man can't get enough of me!! Please try these and let me know if they help.

Shirley - posted on 10/03/2009

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Had the same problem after having twins. Found out you need to have one night each week for you and him because we get wraped up with doing everything for our kids and they get no attention. Best of luck I will be married for 25yrs.on the 20th and its been a roller coaster but still in love with him.

MAVIC - posted on 10/03/2009

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i guess prayer and counselling will help u to fix ur problem try everything u can for the sake of d children....god bless

Jackie - posted on 10/03/2009

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I had the same thing happen to me, but my ex-husband was not open to counseling or talking to our pastor. he just got up one day and said he did not want to be married anymore, packed up and left. then I found out he was living with another woman. so I did what i thought was right for me. I could not be bound to a man that did not respect me as a woman of god and his mate. but if you feel as though your marriage is worth fighting for then by all means do so. God bless you, and may heaven smile upon you.

Gina - posted on 10/02/2009

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I have been married for 28 years and knew my husband for 1 year before we were married. The key to staying married is to honor your commitment to each other, even when you don't feel like it. Have I always felt like I loved my husband? No. There are times when I didn't and I'm sure he would say the same about me. I have not always been easy to live with. But we honor our commitment to each other, (and to God), behave loving twords each other, and behold, one day you "feel in love" with your spouse again. I hope and pray that your husband doesn't leave, but honors his marriage vows and behaves like he loves you till the feelings come back. Don't focus on the negative things about each other, but the positive ones. I do this often, and also examine myself and make sure I am doing my part to keep my marriage strong.

Julie - posted on 10/02/2009

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hi kate i just read your post and im not sure what is happening now but i hope you two patched things up and connected again like it was before . having kids is a blessing but the down side is that it can put a strain on a marriage. my only suggestion would be to fine some only time together ie have date night once a week if you can fine someone to mind the kids or do things fun with the whole family and having a open communciation . Some guys just cheat and stay home so the upside is your husband form what you have said is talking to you even though it is hurtful at least you can talk and try sort things out. i hope this helps

Sonja - posted on 10/02/2009

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It sounds like to me he has found another interest and just wants to make an excuse that he doesn't love you any more. You can't make a man love you, so just do what is best for you and your children. I will keep you in my prayers!

Naomi - posted on 10/02/2009

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i'm sorry to hear that all I can say is I am in the same boat as you as far as my husband not loving me any more. we have been married almost 3 yrs without kids it takes work to make a marraige and ALOT of communication on both parties. its alot of hard work but with love and faith and communication it will work out. you two need to talk it out.. with my husband there is no talking he is always right.. i wish you the best..

Geneva - posted on 10/02/2009

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ok first...i dont know hoe you might take this but here goes...YOU FIGHT GIRL!! Dont let that devil take your family, i did the mistake of not fighting for my first husband..he left me and our 1 year old 6 yrs ago for someone else(married her and now divorced). Having children does put a strane in a marriage but find ways to get that Love back. Your a supermom remember now be a super-wife and take charge of your marriage, maybe that what he wants....I have sence remarried and we have 2 more children and we fight everyday!!!

Robertine - posted on 10/02/2009

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Quoting Coya:
The first two years of marriage. This is still fresh. You two are still newly weds. I agree, you have to grow. If there is no infidelity then I think you should fight to make it work.
Its amazing to see that a lot of married women are going through or have gone through this situation. I would suggest counseling, going on dates, and talking more. These are the things needed to grow in a marriage. However I pour my heart out to my husband to only get ignored, but I'm going to fight hard for my marriage. We have only been married 2 years...its too early to be going through this.


 

Toni - posted on 10/02/2009

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First of all, so sorry to hear this. I want to say that I agree with everyone here that says communication is important. I also agree with seeing about counseling. Marriage is a huge commitment and when kids are involved it is even more important to try and work it out. I have been through divorce and my boys paid the price for it. I would have done things differently if I could go back, but I can't so my advise to him is to REALLY look at why he fell in love with you. What has changed in the past 10 years? Having kids & all the busy stuff in life sometimes gets in the way of the romance. I do not at all agree with the girl who said you can't fall out of love with someone you truly love. I did fall out of love with my first husband, I loved him very much, but never felt like he loved me. We never had any time for ourselves without his friends or the kids or his family. I finally just couldn't do it anymore the love just died because I felt like all I did was give and got nothing in return. I still care very much for him, we were together for 6 yrs and had 2 kids but I fell out of love a long time ago. I would say it happened over time, it didn't just happen at once which is why your husband doesn't know when or how. Talk to him, tell him you would like to try to make things work. Try date nights and romance him, do the things you did when you met, what made you both fall in love to begin with. The girl who said 'Fireproof' is a good movie, is absolutely correct! It was the best movie any couple could watch. You can pick up the 'Love Dare' book at bookstores and WalMart. My husband bought it and we are going to do it. Love and marriage takes work to make it last. Work on it together and put God in the center of your life and you can make it, don't let Satan tear you apart, he is working hard on your husband right now to destroy what God has brought together. Take care and I wish you the best.

Robertine - posted on 10/02/2009

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Do you think he's having an affair? I pray not. Your children are so young. I am divorced and was married for over 20 years to my ex. We have three children now all grown. I've been divorced since April of '06. When I hear this term "I fell out of love with", I can't help but wonder if there is someone else. When I married my now ex, reflecting over that relationship made me realize that it was based on lust and not love. I loved him, but I felt like he was a very lustful person and I know that he's a womanizer.

Maybe you and your husband should seek counseling to save your marriage. If he's willing to do that and both do everything within your power to make it work, I believe you'll be okay. Maybe a marriage retreat. Just by reading this I know that you love him very much and want this work.

Nanci - posted on 10/02/2009

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Kate, so sorry to hear about your troubles. I've been in your shoes, it's not a good time. I agree with so many of the other women, keep your friends and family close, you'll need their support. Definately talk with your husband and get to the root of the problem. Sounds like you were blind sided by this declaration, take time to figure out what you are feeling before talking with your husband. God bless and good luck! We're here for you!

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