My husband just told me he has fallen out of love with me.

Kate - posted on 09/28/2009 ( 392 moms have responded )

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We will be married for 8 yrs. on the 6th of Oct. and we have been together for 10 back in April. He sat me down last night and poured his heart out telling me that the spark is gone and that he has fallen out of love with me. He doesn't know when,why or how. He said it just happened. We are intimate at least on the adverage once a week, which I thought was pretty good for having two girls 7 and 2. He just initiated it last week while I was trying to make dinner. I just don't know what to do. HELP!

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First of all LOVE is not a feeling - it is a CHOICE !!! I have learned a lot over the years, and I have learned that men, MOST of all are visual , drawn away from what means the most to them by the looks of other women ... which is funny to me because they do not realize , no matter where they are or who they are with, most women are the same ! You can move to a new house but the grass still has to be mowed !!! Most men do not make this kind of move unless there is already another woman !!! The sad thing is she will never trust him because if he will leave you for her , then he will leave her for someone else !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is not a time for you to feel sorry for your self , I know it is hard but you have 2 girls who are watching you especially the 7 year old !!! Be wise !!! Do not cling to him !!! Let him go !!! Do not take it personal !!! Men do not relate sex to love !!!!!!!!!! He can have sex with you all day long and not love you - he is a MAN !!! And No he does not love you or he would not do something like this to you !!! Hold your head up and pack his crap !!!!!!!!!!! This is NOT a time for tears !!!!!!!!!!!! This too shall pass and you will come out stronger and wiser in the long run ...

Kari - posted on 10/01/2009

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Keep calm, no matter how difficult it may be. Your girls need you now more than ever.

Take some time with your girls and take a little getaway. This has been a huge shock to you. You have lots of emotions right now, leave the situation as peaceful as possible behind for a few days so you can let it all settle. This will give him time to think about what he has just done to the relationship , perhaps he was just having a breakdown, men do have them to. Just remember, its not your fault! Keep your chin up.

Hopefully when the winds die down the two of you can talk and figure out when and where it went wrong, and decide if maybe a counceling session or two might bring things together.

Brenda - posted on 10/01/2009

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It's a heart breaker. at least he had the courage to sit down and tell you. Maybe you two will be able to sit and talk this all out peacefully for the children. That is most important. Hopefully you have a good support system with friends and family.

M - posted on 10/01/2009

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Wow! I was reading thru some of these, and there was just alot of hostility and negativity. Don't get me wrong, if the guy is not having an affair and just tells you he has "fallen out of love", then there just might be hope. Try bringing the spark back. Sometimes life's activities can overwhelm us like kids and work, financial issues, etc. I know, it happens to me all the time. Sometimes I feel like I donot want to deal with hubby, because I have been dealing with kids all day or housework. But then hubby will come up behind me, hug me and tell me he loves me no matter what and say's he is sorry. Then I feel bad for those weird thoughts in my head. Arrange a sitter to stay with kids. Leave a note or call and tell hubby to meet you at a secret place. Have dinner and take it from there. You have to work at bringing the magic back. It is usually left up to us women to do the rescuing alot. But the reward will be great. Do this every now and then to make it intresting for both of you. Sometimes, couples need this. Don't give up just yet, unless he already has found someone else. I pray that things work out for you guys.

Pamela - posted on 10/01/2009

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You can not control his feelings. All you can do is control your reaction and behavior. My best advice ( as this happened to me and we did recover).is to be thoughtful, loving and most of all do not act needy. Find things to do that matter to you apart from him. Keep busy is a positive way. Be kind, remember to acknowledge his attributes without fawning but make sure you do your best to be in control of your life. It is easy to become more clingy when you think you are going to lose someone. Now is not the time. Yet what may seem contradictory, but I assure you it is not: remember to always point out things he does well when he does them, like playing with the kids, how hard he works... men's egos need stroking, It is just a fact. The key is to strike a balance between appreciation and re-creating you through this process. Find a hobby, club.. your purpose. Here is my theory. When you create a life that is interesting then you are interesting to others. If he does decide to leave, you will be on the road to a healthy life for yourself. I strongly recommend the Light your Fire series, you can find it online. It is what saved us, in my opinion.

M - posted on 10/01/2009

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Wow! I was reading thru some of these, and there was just alot of hostility and negativity. Don't get me wrong, if the guy is not having an affair and just tells you he has "fallen out of love", then there just might be hope. Try bringing the spark back. Sometimes life's activities can overwhelm us like kids and work, financial issues, etc. I know, it happens to me all the time. Sometimes I feel like I donot want to deal with hubby, because I have been dealing with kids all day or housework. But then hubby will come up behind me, hug me and tell me he loves me no matter what and say's he is sorry. Then I feel bad for those weird thoughts in my head. Arrange a sitter to stay with kids. Leave a note or call and tell hubby to meet you at a secret place. Have dinner and take it from there. You have to work at bringing the magic back. It is usually left up to us women to do the rescuing alot. But the reward will be great. Do this every now and then to make it intresting for both of you. Sometimes, couples need this. Don't give up just yet, unless he already has found someone else. I pray that things work out for you guys.

Rebekka - posted on 10/01/2009

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Quoting Jackie:

I have an issue with the line "falling out of love". You really need to sit down with him and find out his definition of love. You can't just fall out of love with someone you truly love. You can fall out of lust with someone that you truly love. That being said you need to find out the truth for yourself. Is his definition of love warped by society and the media? Does he think lust is actually love or is something else going on? I would also like to add that sex has very little to do with love. If my husband and I never had sex again we would still honour our vows of until death do us part. Because love is expressed in a million other ways then sex. I'm very sorry for your situation and I would definitely get to the bottom of it for your sake, your husbands sake and your childrens sake. Nothing worse then someone throwing something great away because they think the grass is greener on the other side; all because some sappy love story movie told them it is.


I agree completely with Jackie.



Councelling will be a very important part of your next "journey". Make sure you find a good person, not just a qualified one... EVERYONE goes through emotionally "quiet"  patches at some point. Some just keep it to themselves and live with it, others work around it, there are those that just give up and look for greener pastures, and then there are those that (seriously) talk and try to work it out. If he is willing to give your marriage and your children's emotional well being a fighting chance, give him all the support you can. Don't belittle him for having these feelings - it could have easily been you.  Divorce is always the worst for the children. This is really a tough one for you, but just hang in there Kate, things might look sunny sooner than you think. Don't keep quiet about it, get your loving family and friends involved to help you and your husband - do not let the "non - loving" members of the family have any say - I am sure you know what I mean  : )



God bless and give you the faith, courage and strenth you will need to see this through -  and also the wisdom to forgive your husband this weakness.

Tania - posted on 10/01/2009

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Wow...sorry to hear the sad news Kate...you must be really upset. I too have been married for 8 years and my wedding day was also October 6th (kind of strange - eh?). My husband and I are in the same boat, except that we probably don't want to admit it to each other. We have a 2 year-old together and she's such a great kid...I guess I'm trying my best to stay connected to her father for her sake. He's married to his job - he works till 10pm or midnight every night and the only time he spends with her is the weekends and random days when he can get home early to put her to bed.

All I can say is...I feel your pain and I hope that your children don't get traumitized by whatever will happen next...Good luck to you and hope things turn out for the best.

Patricia - posted on 10/01/2009

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Im sorry! Im here to listen if you need to talk...yahoo is ladychatterly1010...Good luck to you!

Debra - posted on 10/01/2009

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Did you ask him if there is someone else? That is always a cause of "falling ut of love syndrome". Never lasts just something different and exciting compared to th usuall. unfortunately thats how men work. If it is and you want to save your marriage get him to counseling.

Debra - posted on 10/01/2009

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Did you ask him if there is someone else? That is always a cause of "falling ut of love syndrome". Never lasts just something different and exciting compared to th usuall. unfortunately thats how men work. If it is and you want to save your marriage get him to counseling. Good Luck and if he's worth fighting for fight as hard as you can.

Valerie - posted on 10/01/2009

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My heart is there for you. Try to remember that all things happen for a reason. Sometimes we do not understand the reason until much later in life.

Nordene - posted on 10/01/2009

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Wow! Men what do you do with them. This is a hard one to answer. So what i will tell you is not to give up on your marriage if he is still willing to work it out. Ask those hard questions we never want to know the answer to. Is there someone else? Maybe it can be simple as setting some time for you and him. Hope everything works out for you.

Angie - posted on 10/01/2009

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angiernelson@hotmail.com --- find me add me chat to me . my ex did that to me . its devastating . i know youre in shock right now . not the time to ask you to go over exactly what he said or to ask you questions . prayers on their way to you and bug hugs too . thinking of you and here for you if you need to chat , love angie

Nicole - posted on 10/01/2009

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I'm really sorry. It must have been very heard hearinbg those words. I have a problem though, with the 'spark' thing. In the early days or years of a relationship there normally is a 'spark', but usually with time, it changes to more of being totally comfortable with a partner. You can keep a relationship interesting & exciting, with both partners willing to put the effort in, but that so-called 'spark' in the earlier days of a relationship does usually ultimately change to just enjoying one anothers company & feeling content with yourself & each other. In the beginning it's more of a lust. If you enjoy being with a person & what that person brings out in you, then it moves onto a higher level & becomes love. That's just what I believe, others may or may not agree with me. I would definitely recommend going for counselling, if he's in agreement, whatever the outcome is, at least you'll know you tried. Surround yourself with a support system & just keep talking! All the best & take care xx

Sabrina - posted on 09/30/2009

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you have a choice to make

ask him what his intentions are anyway? does he want to divorce?

CHOOSE.

1.stay and work it out, but he needs to be willing and mature about it , no sense in fighting for someone when they are truely done. If the issues are workable, by all means, roll up your sleeves! (read "the proper care and feeding of husbands") BUT do Not become a doormatt in the name of saving your marriage. Chronic Affairs and/or addiction, abuse. THE 3 A's! are deal breakers for me anyway. Tell yourself where you'll draw the line.





2.Protect yourself ( financially, emoitioanlly ) and start preparing for a new life as single mom. call your attorney, your bank, your insurance company, your therapist and your folks. dont forgett your BFF. have a good cry and prepare yourself for the journey ahead. If your headed for a DV, know this, there will be losses. period. besides the family unit, someone takes the hit financially. Start telling yourself now, whats most important. your not alone. youll get through this.

PS.

the fact that your together once a week.

easy to confuse sex and love. they should be one in the same at this point, but??



in terms of him not knowing when why or how....hes ok giving you that answer? well,thats more than unfortunate, thats HIS problem! its not your JOB or QUEST To Define that for him.

Be warry of driving yourself nutty/ blamming yourself in the lack of his own clarity and self reflection. you can only work with what your given. thats not much.

Fay - posted on 09/30/2009

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U can't just fall out off love like that he just has lost that loving feeling you need 2 make him fall back in love with u u initiat d sex wear sexy clothes & have some alon time with him get someone to babysit sometimes men feel jealous if u spend 2 much time with d kids & not them....unless he has taken tthat love somewere else.....

April - posted on 09/30/2009

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This is so tough.I'm sorry that you are going through this.Perhaps some indepth counselling for families.Your local Woman's Center or Family Center should have someone that you can both speak with.Together and separately.

I personally would be looking for an other woman in the wings....but the experts say that is only a symptom of whats really happening.

Good luck to you.

A Monique - posted on 09/30/2009

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First of all, let me just say, my heart goes out to you and your husband. I have exactly the help you need. But first, you have to examine your situation very carefully. The successfulness of the resolve will depend on how honest and determined you are willing to be. Before I give you the answer, I just want to share with you that my husband and I have been togeter for about 20 years; married 12 of those years. We have an 18 year old in college, 15 year old daughter, and 10 year old son. Needless to say we have had many ups and downs throughout our marraige almost landing in divorce but were able to come thru. What I'm about to tell you is nothing theoredical but I'm speaking from my heart and our own personal experiences. Many people may say get divorced, hire a detective or one thing or another. The bottom line is no matter who you decide to be with, no one is perfect and anything worth having takes hard work.



One thing many people don't seem to realize is that marraige is intended to be for a lifetime. If any two people decide to get married with the possibility of divorcing if it things get tough, they've failed before they've even tried. Any successful marraige needs to have a solid foundation with God as the head. We have all been born in this sinful world so we have to realize that unless God is the center of the husband's or wife's life, anything can happen. The good thing about that though is even if it didn't start off with God being the head of your relationship, you can always invite him in.



When my husband and I experienced these feelings of "falling out of love" it had to do with the enemy's attempt to kill, steal, and destroy. Do you know that a family is the best way to contribute to the ruin of society. It doesn't just hurt the couple but the kids too...and it is self regenerating. You have to understand what is really happening. See things for what it is and not focusing on the pain. Right now the best thing for you to do is focus on your relationship with God and allow him to lead you and direct you. The best advice will be what God tells you to do. With God all things are possible and HE can bring any dead thing alive. He did it for me!!! It takes faithfulness and a willingness to allow God to be in control. Any other way will only cause more hurt and despare.



I really want to say so much more because I truly feel your pain. There is no quick fix to this because this didn't start overnight. If you ever need to talk with me directly or even would like to hear my testimony, I think you will truly understand the passion of what I am telling you.



Seek ye first the kingdom of God and everything else will be added to you.



You may contact me at Monique.ExecutiveSPA@hotmail.com or 7573289011. Your posting has been on my heart every since I saw it earlier today. I will keep you in my prayers. Please stay encouraged.

Amber - posted on 09/30/2009

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Couples are falling "in" and "out" of love all the time. I know this from my own personal experience. I've learned that it is possible to love someone while not being "in love" with them. Staying in love is something that needs to be constantly worked on and nourished. The age-old analogy is true: love is like a flower. When nourished it blossoms and when neglected or not nourished it wilts. Maybe this is something that has happened in your marriage. As others have said before, being in love is more than just being intimate with one another. I strongly advise you to keep communication open. Help him to figure out why exactly -deep down there is a reason - why he has fallen out of love with you. Couples counseling can help and try to remember back to things you guys did when you first met and you fell in love. Do those same things again if you aren't already! If you are a member of the LDS church pray together morning and night and study the scriptures together everyday. These things have helped bring my husband and I closer when we have felt very distant.

Sheena - posted on 09/30/2009

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OMG I know i dont know you but,I hope your doing okay? Is he plaining to leave you and the kids?

Sherrie - posted on 09/30/2009

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I i had friends going through same problem i suggest renting or buying fireproof movie can get it at walmart watch it alone then watch it together it shows couples how to get back what they once had it worked for my friends honestly give it a try its like 26.00 its a movie awesome every married person should own this movie it makes you think love is a gift people don't fall out of love sometimes they lose site of love. you can also find samples of fireproof on utube.....

Diane - posted on 09/30/2009

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I think this is very common, & could be any number of things. The hopeful thing is that dh is coming to YOU & pouring out his heart--which is a good sign! It means that he is probably bothered by his feelings & needs your help. It also means the communication is open. I agree with the other women here that sex does not mean love (especially for men & women), so you can't think that everything is hunky-dory just because your sex life is okay. My advice is to remember (& remind your husband) that love is a VERB. If he isn't "feeling" it than he should be doing something. Going through the actions of love (not sex) DOES inspire love. It may take time & effort for both of you, but your marriage, your family, & your LOVE will be stronger & deeper for working through this. The easy way out is to look for love & intimacy elsewhere--of course, this shallow kind of love is easy to kindle, & easy to lose too. You & your husband have a great opportunity right now if you look at it the right way. Every great marriage goes through a time of challenge when you have to dig deeper & love harder. Good luck to you!

Stacie - posted on 09/30/2009

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My husband and I were having serious problems with our marriage and almost ended up in divorce. we decided on counseling. So far, we had to get to know each other again by finding out each others wants and needs. We are in the process of getting back into date night without kids. Try that too and counseling may do some good. If not, then it's time to move on. No one needs to be unhappy.

Cheryl - posted on 09/30/2009

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I am sorry about this but no-one can advise you about this, you are on your own. No-one knows about your intimate relationship or the interactions you have with each other. It is so complicated and please don't blame yourself as it takes two to have a relationship. Has he someone else or is he 'window shopping'. Could he be going through a mid-life crises. As I said who knows, only you can answer that. But the best thing I think you could do is to try and keep the communication lines open and try and get him to really open up. He may not have actually fallen out of love with you only he may be weighed down by other stuff and his heart has gone to sleep and he is not thinking rationally. If he cannot explain adequatly to you regardless you both should go to marriange guidance counselling ASAP.

Good luck remember every marriage goes through bad times, try and hang on.

[deleted account]

Quoting Kate:

My husband just told me he has fallen out of love with me.

We will be married for 8 yrs. on the 6th of Oct. and we have been together for 10 back in April. He sat me down last night and poured his heart out telling me that the spark is gone and that he has fallen out of love with me. He doesn't know when,why or how. He said it just happened. We are intimate at least on the adverage once a week, which I thought was pretty good for having two girls 7 and 2. He just initiated it last week while I was trying to make dinner. I just don't know what to do. HELP!


Well Katie nothing is that easy to explain but no matter what starts the ball rolling whether it's money  trouble ,(lack of communication) nagging or your attention being placed more on your little ones thus him feeling left out,...a man's ego is pretty fragile and they need to feel that they are important ,needed ,respected and appreciated  in a way that makes them feel special. Come to think of it we all need that.My point is sometimes  we get carried away with the things we think we need to do and forget that they need to know we need them in a special way to. I found this out a few years back...I wasn't very respectful of his feelings and was busy with the kids and well ,we worked opposite shifts to take care of the kids and lost touch with each other until the only things we communicated about were inadequacies,..we worked on it and here we are almost 9 years later and I feel closer to him then I ever thought possible.I wish the same for you!


 

Helen - posted on 09/30/2009

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Fight for him and for your marriage. Get counseling and make him promise to go for at least 6 months before he makes a decision. I believe it is the 10 year slump (that's when it happened to me) but if you can move past it your marriage can become stronger and better. Good luck and God bless.

Kerry - posted on 09/30/2009

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sorry to hear about your situation. I think when we have young kids its easy to feel disconnected from your partner. The two of you were a couple before you were a family so i would try to have at least 1 night a week with just the two of you. Go out to dinner or walk in the park and remenice about how you met, your first kiss, first intimate moment etc. Sometimes this is helpful in re-igniting that spark. Perhaps your husband is confusing feeling disconnected for falling out of love. Dont give up just yet sweetie, tell him you really want to help him sort thru his feelings even tho it may be very difficult for you to hear. I really do wish you the best of luck. Just know that you are not alone in this, you have all of us mums right here beside you !!!

xxxxx Kerry

Carol - posted on 09/30/2009

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Hi I am sorry to hear that you are in that position. I recently went throgh the same thing however, I fell out of love with my husband. It was a lot of things that added to the situation. I tried to talk to him about our marriage dying and matbe we needed to talk to somebody but he said no, I could leave if I wasn't happy. I am a christian and I believe that marriage is a sacred bond. But months went by and I don't believe my cry for help was taken seriously and one day I don't know when I just did not love him anymore as a wife should love her husband. I tried faking it or hoping my heart would change towards my husband, but nothing was working. Nothing I wanted to do for our marriage such as dating, spending time together or even talking did he want. So in April we got our divorce. I really wish I was married to a man that could see pass himself and work on us, but it wasn't like that and I found myself looking for what I was missing in another person. I found out that men are not like us. If they are having problems they think we are not happy with them. The problem with your husband may not be you, but him. Try getting to the root of the problem, because after our divorce we talk and my ex husband told me that at times he didn't love himself so he didn't know how to love me. Maybe there is a deeper issue, maybe in the finance area that usually causes issues for men. We can adjust and cope with anything they shut down. My prayer is that God leads you to a clearer understanding and your life will be restored.

Christine - posted on 09/30/2009

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I have a friend that just had her husband do the same thing after like 14 years of marriage! I will tell u what she did and it worked so u can take it or leave it but she got fed up with the man saying he loved her but wasnt in love with her and when he was at home hed sit on the computer all night not even paying attention to her or the kids so she called me and said lets go out when i showed up at her house she was dressed like i have never seen her dressed before adn her make-up was so dramatic i was shocked and he didnt even know she had plans to go out untill she said hey i will be back later watch the kids and he said where are you going and she said u dont love me so whats it to ya dn walked out the door. I think he called fifty times while we were out lol then she had my boyfriend calling the house phone asking for her while she was gone, he'd hang up if it were the kids answering then hed ask is sheila there if her husband answered. i think it instilled just enough jealousy to make him really think about his choices and they are together and happier then ever now. but i would not do this unless it is the last straw and hes startign to pack his bags or filing for divorce but its nice when ur man shows a little jealousy for u bc if he didnt he wouldnt love u and when he finds out its your best friends boyfriend calling he wont be irate

Angie - posted on 09/30/2009

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Love is a choice! If God can command us to love our neighbor, we have to choose to do it. There is no falling in or out of love. It is a choice we make. He needs to get his priorities straight and realize that he has a family and that together ya'll can make it work. You can both learn to speak each other's love language and become close again. Relationships are hard. It takes work, especially when there are young children in the home. Counseling is a really good idea. I hope it can all work out for the best. Good luck.

Molissa - posted on 09/30/2009

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To the lady who has the adopted foster kids.....

It sounds like your husband may be having some depression issues or mid-life crisis. It's a major thing when they want to drastically change their behavior like that. You should get some help for him if you can. At least get a buddy of his to talk to him and find out what is going on. If he still doesn't budge, I don't know what to do but to let him go. Just try what you can get him to try and if it doesn't succeed, it won't be because of you. Alot of people do this when it seems too hard for them. Once they get past the "hard" part, they will stop thinking about "restarting". Sometimes it's easier for them to leave than to keep working. But if he wants to try help him by encouraging him in what he does. It sounds childish, but sometimes we all need to hear we are doing a good job. Good luck.

Kline - posted on 09/30/2009

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oh! that's really hurt my dear but if u still love him, u can still save your relationship.don't ever let him go just for that reason, talk to him, serve him dishes that he likes most and spend some quality time for him to be happy, always make him happy and satisfy w/ u.and if any problems occurs, then always talk for the solution.

Vanessa - posted on 09/30/2009

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My marriage ended after 3 years. We had known each other since teenager. When he ask for a divorce It wasn't a big surprise because we were already seeing a counslor, because I knew something wasn't right. But I had already talk it over with God that I will do all what is asked according to Gods words but if he chose to leave I wouldn't stop him. He left at a time when I needed him most I didn't have a job, because I chose not to work after giving birth to our twin boys, which was a major set back ,the twin was premature, I had a seizure 3 days after giving birth one child stayed for a month the other 2 month which allowed me time to heal after a c-section. I'll never forget his words when he wanted us to move out "I don't care if you sleep on the church floor but I want you out of my house" Lucky for me I had sence enough to go to court to have him band from the home until I was able to leave having a job a baby sitter and was able to return to my home town to the house I was renting out for extra income.God kept me from falling apart. my ex on the other hand has lost his job of 28yrs and he is now sleeping on the floor with a blanket. I kid you not....What ever happen with your situation please know that God will never leave your side. I'm still single after being divorce for 4 years and doing my best with no child support coming in but I am at peace with his decision to leave and with myself for moving on with my life without him

User - posted on 09/30/2009

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I am sorry that you are hurting. First of all, love isnt a feeling or emotion, its an act of your will. I dont buy it when people say they have "fallen out of love". Marriage is a partnership and is something that you have to work at to keep the fun and excitement. I dont have all the answers but I do know I will pray for you guys.

User - posted on 09/30/2009

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I am sorry that you are hurting. First of all, love isnt a feeling or emotion, its an act of your will. I dont buy it when people say they have "fallen out of love". Marriage is a partnership and is something that you have to work at to keep the fun and excitement. I dont have all the answers but I do know I will pray for you guys.

Jenny - posted on 09/30/2009

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I have to join the ranks of those advising counseling. The phrase "falling out of love" usually applies to adolescents who don't have a clue about true love. There is probably something going on in his life that is unhealthy for the marriage. Good counseling from a trained counselor ( I don't recommend Ministers because they are usually not specifically trained in counseling). Hopefully he's willling to do that.

Dawn - posted on 09/30/2009

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That just ripes at the heart and mind. I am so sorry. The only advice I have is couseling. I hope things can work out but you are going to really have to work at it yourself because if you can "fix" things you are still going to have to deal with what he has said or it will come back to haunt you and you will resent his words. Hope that helps and if you want to chat I am here.

Jeannine - posted on 09/30/2009

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Quoting Monica:

Well then you really wasn't in love to begin with. If you really fall in love with a person then you can never fall out of love with that person. You might have fell in love with a fantasy or fell in love with a consept of what could be. And if it was really love then you can get it back unless if there is abuse and don't need to get it back. Go back and Remember why You feel in love with this person to begin with. People don't stayed together any more like back in the days. People didn't get a divorce just because we got robin blue paint instead of navy blue. Now everybody is rushing to the court house to get a divorce how about we be adults and work out our problems. If your just not in love anymore then suck it up and work something out to where everybody is happy. Now, someone is gonna say but she has a right to be happy wrong not if it means spliting of the family. If there is no abuse of any kind and this person has a job and is a alright person then you need to make it work. There are more divorced parents in 2009 than ever before in history cause everybody likes to get married but not put in the work that goes into a marriage. Lets take the easy way out and get a divorce. So once again SORRY



 



Yes, she DOES have a right to be happy. She has a RESPONSIBILITY to be happy. If she is miserable, the entire family will be adversely affected by that and they will ALL be miserable. If they can't work it out, then they need to divorce rather than fuss and fight and carry on in front of the kids. The tension will kill them all.





 

Cindy - posted on 09/30/2009

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First of all. I don't know what you belief spiritually but I want to tell you that I will be praying for you. I would encourage you to seek out some support. Friends and family are nice but you really need someone who will speak truth to you as well. I hope that he will wait before he does anything rash and give you both an opportunity to find the remedy.



I have been married for 22 years. I have to tell you that you are at a point of life where dreams and reality can tend to clash. It is not uncommon for people to struggle at the period of marriage you find yourself. Actually there almost seems to be a cycle that marriage goes through and you can almost chart it in years and ages of children. Struggle is a point of growth not a time to give up. It is in these times that we mature and learn more about ourselves.



Second, there is a lot of truth to the statement "you can't love someone if you can't love yourself". There is a possibility that there are some false expectations of what a marriage is intended to be. There are way too many people out there who mistake romance or passion with love. Love is a choice not a feeling. We choose to love family even when things aren't easy.



I have often seen lots of situations where. Have affairs of the heart all by themselves. Sometimes this takes on a physical form but it usually starts within someones mind and then starts to take root in their heart. They start dreaming about "how things could be" and telling themselves that they deserve better only to find themselves destroying their own lives and the lives of other.



So, here is my two cents. I know you are hurting, feel abandoned and betrayed. You have every reason to feel this way. You may even be telling yourself that something is wrong with you and that this is all your fault. I can tell you this. If this hit you out of the blue, I suspect that this has more to do with some emotional problems your husband is having and it his inability to process it all. We all have our faults but those who truly love us can love us through our weaknesses and hold the other up. I know you feel weak but don't give up yet. Pray for your husband and children. Ask others to pray for you and if you are a person of a Christian faith "find a good pastor" who can point you to people who he trusts with issues like this and get help.



Choose to love your husband despite his shortcomings and now while things are not too bad. Make a list of all the reasons, you love your husband. Keep it and read over it when you just can't take it anymore. You will need these reminders no matter what happens because you have two children who are going to be ripped apart as well because they love you both. Don't speak ill of your husband in front of your children. It will only come back to bite you in the end. Don't spoil them either that won't help them either.



I hate this so much. I can't tell you how many people I have had to hold their hand as they go through this. I can promise that this will get better. It may get much darker before it gets better but don't give up hope. Don't stop trying to find resolution. You will have to make sure that you are cared for first and have a group of people around you to give you support but choose who those people will be wisely! Then you will be able to fight for your husband and family. May G-d bless you and keep you and give you peace.

Ronell - posted on 09/30/2009

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For men, just because you are having sex, does not mean love. Men and women are different when it comes to this point....Women don't jump into bed without emotions... Men are very capible of having sex without emotion.



Life changes and love changes... Just because he is not feeling what he once did, there has to be some type of love, it does not go away, it changes...especially once you have children.



Sit with him and talk... ask him questions about your life.. chances are he does not know it, but he does love you and the children and his family, but does not understand how it could go from passion and all to whatever it may now be...



I would suggest Marriage counseling...

Denise - posted on 09/30/2009

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The book 'The Love Dare' as seen in the movie 'Fire Proof' is an amazing book! You can look it up on line and see testimonials about it and how it's helped hundreds of couples in the same situation. I'd be willing to do almost anything to make it work with my husband and I bet you are too. I'm so sorry, this has got to be tough. Lord Bless you.

Nerissa Ann - posted on 09/30/2009

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I think that you should be dignified, treat him with respect but don't beg and don't sink to his level. He says he no longer loves you then let him go, I would not want to be with a man who does not love me. Don't think that staying for the kids is an option because he will sneak around behind your back, and in this day and age you don't know what he is bringing home with him, if you know what I mean. Let it go, and go out there and find your true soulmate. Having children with a man does not necessarily make him your soulmate and it does not mean that he will stay with you forever. I wish you luck and happiness, be strong but keep your head held high

Becky - posted on 09/30/2009

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I think this is very common in marriages. Hopefully he is willing to work on things to bring that spark back! It IS possible! Pray for him! But first pray for you, that you will be the wife that he has always wanted. I really believe this is very normal & it's great that he's talking to you about it first before running out & having an affair. Don't give up hope. Fight for what is yours. Make time for just the 2 of you to get out at least once a month - even if it's just for a drive..... I pray everything works out for you.

Lakeisha - posted on 09/30/2009

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No one can "fall out of love" with someone. your husband is just having problems with himself and is confused, There is NOTHING you can do to make a person love you. Love is and emotion.You can love a person one day and fall out the next. You need to just let your husband find himself and you be strong for your girls. You have to love yourself enough to be strong and don't let him make you think bad about yourself.



God is with you, have a blessed day.

Sue - posted on 09/30/2009

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First of all my heart aches for you and I know your pain. Has your husband had a physical check-up of late? Since he himself doesn't know or at least states this then perhaps there is something more going on that is physical - or perhaps depression - men tend to not recognize such matters. I would suggest a doctor visit.

Bobbi - posted on 09/30/2009

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Hey my husband and I went through something similar. Watch the movie fire proof together if possible. Get the book the Love Dare It as at most any bookstore and even if he doesn't want to try doing it you do it. It has really helped our marriage tremendously. Something else that helps is dating each other still. I know its hard sometimes but line up a freind to watch the kids every other week and you and him take time to get to know each other again. Keep doing it even when it is hard. The passion falls out of marriages and relationships all the time. The trouble is making sure to put it back in and keep the fires burning. It isnt always about the last time you had sex. He still has hormones even when his feelings are buried.

Danette - posted on 09/30/2009

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personally I think there is someone else! Guys don't just fall out of love and he loved you enough to have kids with you and marry you it is someone else that is distracting his spark. Don't allow him to brush this off as he's fallen out of love with you cause if you don't get all sentimental and tell him that you're leaving and can't be with someone who doesn't love you he will think twice and go back and forth over a period of time until one of you leave him for good. I have been there. falling out of love is a cop out! Good luck Katherine! be strong and worry about yourself and your girls! Don't sleep with him anymore either!!!

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