My kids hate each other

Misty - posted on 07/30/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My kids are 11-8-6-5 and they fight and tattle on each other from the moment the second one wakes up until I finally send them to bed. They are constantly informing me of what is fair and what isn't. In most cases if one kid gets to do something, at least one has a problem with it. All I want is some peace and harmony.

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Teri - posted on 07/30/2009

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Exhausting. . . I only have two children with wildly different personalities. Much of their life has been about getting them to accept the other's personality without feeling threatened. Here's two more strategies that I use as a Conscious Parenting Expert and might help you too.

1) If someone is tattling I say, I will not listen until you tell me what your part in this was. And I make each child tell me their part -- even if it was just to observe because then I ask, what was your motivation for telling me. It makes them own their part and grow up to be responsible for who they are.

2)If the kids are fighting I make them sit together and after owning their piece as stated above, I will not let them move until they have acknowledged something nice about the other person.



A couple of things happen when you use these strategies. Each child begins to realize that fighting or tattling doesn't earn them any bonus points and doesn't even stress you out anymore as you encourage them to take responsibility. They also begin to see the positives in each other. My oldest has been known to sit for quite some time even after her brother has said something nice about her. But that was her choice.



Lastly, we employ the following edict in my home: It's not always equal but it is always fair. Everyone gets exactly what they need.



Good luck!

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Monica - posted on 07/30/2009

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I have two teenage boys and a 7 year old girl... the fighting is non-stop. Make them sit on the couch and hug each other... its hilarious and they won't want to keep doing it. My grandma used to make me and my sisters do this... we still remember sitting on the couch hugging each other for like a 1/2 hr. Good Luck...

Karen - posted on 07/30/2009

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My sister and I are 18mths apart and when we were kids we hated each other and the fights we had were violent! Knives, chairs, petrol drums etc were thrown. I used to sleep sitting against my bedroom door because she used to tell me that she was going to kill me in my sleep. Mum got sick of it and used to lock us outside, I used to run to our neighbours. We were still at each others throat until I had my second child at 22yrs old and my sister was my birthing partner. Ever since then we haven't had a fight. It is normal for siblings to fight, my two daughters don't as much as I did but still do to an extent. They will eventually grow out of it. It is also how they learn to deal with the rest of the world, there is going to be people that they don't like but need to get along with. Maybe get them to do something they both enjoy, my girls used to like it when I did like a treasure hunt. got them working together as a team. Peace and harmony may be a while off yet, but hang in there it does get better.

Kirstie - posted on 07/30/2009

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Wow a mother to 4!!!! You have your hands full there but so much love in the house sounds beautiful. To me it sounds like they just want your attention which i'm sure you are giving but even when you give as much as you think you can the kids will want more. Try giving praise for all the good things they do and really try to not take much notice of the 'bad' things... for want of a better word. If two are playing nicely together go see what they are doing, tell them you're so happy they are having fun togther, give them a hug and a kiss and walk away to let them continue, same if it was 1, 3 or 4 of them. Kids can act up because they know they'll get your attetion if they do, if they start realising they get your attetion for beging happy and kind to each other you may begin to get a change in them. As for giving one/some something to one and not the other/others also make a point of allowing opportunities for them each to see that they get 'their turn' sooner or later. Even try plan some special activities to make them see this... to get your point across. I could imagine having 4 kids is a huge juggling act. I only have 2 and i'm not even at the stage you're at yet. Good luck :)



Also i love the complaint box idea, i think that is great. A good way for kids to learn to speak their mind and know that it can be discussed in an orderly fashion. Sometimes in the heat of the moment it just won't happen but later on when things have settled down the kids could get the opportunity to talk, think and understand better ways of handling things.

Karen - posted on 07/30/2009

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We have 5 kids... 3yrs 12yrs 14yrs 15yrs and 17yrs. (all boys except for the 15 year old) It does not change either, make a routine- it helps a little. Tell them to mind themselves and you will mind the others. If they insist on back talk, send them to their room, they will figure it out. They are testing you because they can.

Robyn - posted on 07/30/2009

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LOL you will get peace and harmony sometime in the next 10 - 20 years as long as you don't have any more kids. I have 3 kids 20, 17 and 11 and when they are all together they still fight and squabble it is just their way of sorting out the pecking order. Try explaining to them that you are sick of the fighting and tattle tails and if they want to complain about each other they should do it in writing (might be a bit hard for the younger two but I am sure the older ones would help) You could get then to make a box together and then they could post all their complaints about each other in the box and you could just pull them out at the end of the day and have a read. Might be a good idea to have a compliment box as well.

Tanya - posted on 07/30/2009

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I would stick to your guns be strong and if they are doing harmful things to eachother they need to be punished all of them are old enough to be punished I'm sure you have some type of punishment in place (you just didn't say what you were doing).. I have a 6, 3, and 1 year old all girls and they fight a lot when they arent leaving eachother alone they have a corner they go to or sometimes I'll give my 6yr a extra chore I think it would work for all of yours - extra chores help you out and they just hate to do them!!! I know someone with 2 boys and when they misbehave she makes them give eachother a kiss...lol it works if they are fighting she says ok go give your brother a kiss and hug they hate it, I think it's funny because girls are different they don't mind that that is why cleaning the cat box is a type of punishment in our house :)

Tanya - posted on 07/30/2009

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Oh to stop tattling I say is someone hurt? gonna get hurt? in danger? going to hurt someone else? If all these are no answers then I say go play and get along!!!!

Jodi - posted on 07/30/2009

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Misty, I have 2 kids plus 2 step-schildren who only live here part time. The 2 kids that live here are age 12 and 4, and they are exactly the same, it used to drive me nuts. I just started putting my hand up in a stop signal and saying "I don't want to hear about it" so often to them that now the only time I hear about it is if one of them gets hurt because they know I ignore them if is some minor little thing. I finally worked out that it was really a grab for my attention, and essentially a territorial pissing contest between them. So I don't give them the benefit of my attention.

Tanya - posted on 07/30/2009

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I would stick to your guns be strong and if they are doing harmful things to eachother they need to be punished all of them are old enough to be punished I'm sure you have some type of punishment in place (you just didn't say what you were doing).. I have a 6, 3, and 1 year old all girls and they fight a lot when they arent leaving eachother alone they have a corner they go to or sometimes I'll give my 6yr a extra chore I think it would work for all of yours - extra chores help you out and they just hate to do them!!! I know someone with 2 boys and when they misbehave she makes them give eachother a kiss...lol it works if they are fighting she says ok go give your brother a kiss and hug they hate it, I think it's funny because girls are different they don't mind that that is why cleaning the cat box is a type of punishment in our house :)

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