My Mother-in-law thinks I am a bad Mom

Cassie - posted on 06/24/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My husband, myself and my 17 month old daughter lives with my Mother-in-law and Step-Father-in-law (that is a mouth full) My daughter was born with kidey issues and the debt has caused us to seek help from his Mother. We have been living with her since my daughter was born and we will be here or another year until we can buy our house. (I am pulling out my hair)



My Mother-in-law is SUPER obsessed with my daughter, which makes since because she is her first grandchild, but it is so annoying. Before she leaves for work in the morning she knocks on our door and asks to say goodbye to my daughter, when she gets home from work, if our scheduals don't meet up and she doesn't see her for a full 24 hours she will cry while looking through my daughters photos and sleeps with one of my daughter's stuffed animals. I feel sufficated.



But the big reason I am writting is because my M.I.L. has been trying to act like the "goodone" when I disopline her. My daughter is entering the terrible twos, she throws fits and gets into things she KNOWS she is not suppose to and I will not have it. I do not let her throw tandtrums and I DO NOT let her run around the house screaming bloody murder or pulling all the dvds off the shelf. I will take action quick. MyMIL does not like this. When I spank my child or ignore her while she throws a fit, my MIL will turn around to her and say "Come here baby, give me a hug" I HATE THIS. I want to snatch my child away from her and continue what I was teaching her. I mean she is reversing everything I am teaching. I want my daughter to know that if she throws a fit, she will get NOTHING, but her comes grandma with the attention she wanted. I do not know what to do or say because I don't want to get kicked out or be on bad terms with her but I can not stand what she is doing to my daughter. No if I take my daughter out of the living room away from her grandma she will scream and cry and reach for her. I feel like such a horrible mom, my daughter doesn't even want me. My husband keeps reminding me that she does this because she knows she will get whatshe wants from her gandma and knows she can't get away with it with me but how horrible would that feel... your daughter not wanting you to hold her :(



Now I appreciate what his mother has done for us, I really do, but how do I tell her how I feel i.e. "Butt the hell out lady, she is my daughter and what I say goes" without hurting her feelings or gettting kicked out?



P.S. my husband is always at work so he can't stand up for me most times and feels the same way I do about asking her to stop, we are scare to get kicked out or to seem unappreciative of what she has done for us. (She is very emotional)

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Jane - posted on 06/24/2010

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just try to do your timeouts in your bedroom w/her. you can still accomplish what you're trying to do. my daughter will try to get out of them if my husband is in the house, so i quickly and quietly take her in the bathroom and do them there. he just thinks we're doing potty. i sit her on the step stool and tell her to wait for me then i come back in 3 minutes and we have the follow-up talk. you can probably accomplish it even staying in the bedroom w/her, just have her sit w/her back to you.
i think your MIL has some issue, maybe she lost a baby that she has never told anyone about.

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Samantha - posted on 07/31/2010

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Oh my goodness! I have the same problem with my MIL!! I have a 1 month old son and I am trying to get the breastfeeding thing down. It frustrates me to no end because I can't get him to latch but when I tell him to calm down or shhusshhh him she freaks!! We live with her as well. She also needs grammy time or she sits in her room and cries. She is a VERY emotional person and acts like we are attacking her when we have an issue with something. Well, tonight, we actually confronted her on some other stuff (like her not liking my cat and now the cat has no freedom and stuck in our room... with the baby in there I might add) she brought up me "yelling" at my infant and told my husband that he ought to be mad at me for the things she hears!! Then she told us that she would love to see if we can find a place that's free and she feels sorry for my son because he is gonna be homeless!! Needless to say I was depressed before and fixed it, now I'm depressed again. I wish I could have some advise for you but I need advise for myself as well. My husband had to tell me I'm not a bad mother and I just cry because she definitely made me feel like that. We are looking for a way out at the moment because I don't take threats very well. All I can say is my parents live in a different state and want us to live with them and if that happens she is gonna loose her grandson!! That's for sure. Good luck to you. Don't let it bother you too much, even though I completely understand if it does!

[deleted account]

I feel for you,its great your mil is a great help but i think she needs to take a step back and allow you to raise your daughter as you would if not living under her roof.

Talk to her and tell her how much you appreciate her help but also its so important while living here you need to be a mom and discipline your daughter and raise her how you see fit.If that goes well which i dont see why not,unless shes very set in her ways lol.

You can also set a day aside to have your mil and her grandchild do something together with you there also.Set boundarys is my advice, if you dont then you just may but up with it all.Best of luck to you guys and good luck on finding a new home,hope it all works out and also my dearest wishes for your daughter,wishing her good health

:-)

Christiane - posted on 06/24/2010

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Time for you and your husband to sit down and talk to your mother in law. Tell her you are trying to teach your daughter to be respectful, to have good manners like her grandmother (your mother in law) and for your daughter to listen when you tell her to do something, or no you can not have something and not throw a tantrum. Let her know you feel undermined, underhanded and belittled, but also let her know you want the best relationship with your daughter as she has with her son. To please respect your discipline or punishment actions and if she does not like them to let you know, but not as your daughter is in trouble or having a tantrum and being disciplined. If she could let you know maybe at nap time or after your daughter is in bed. Let your mother in law know that she has been so much help and you and your husband are very appreciative of what she has done for your family. Let her know you want her help in discipline (not good cop bad cop), you both want to be good cops and teach her responsibilities and respect she would be proud of. Just make sure it is you and your husband together and everyone is on the same page of discipline.

[deleted account]

A girlfriend of mine went through the same thing when she had to move into her parents house (her bf walked out the day before the wedding). She eventually had to explain to them that she understood the line between grandparent was kinda blurred as they didnt get the typical grandparent spoil time. What they ended up working out was that when she was home it was her rules, etc... and they kept most when she was gone but got to do the special treats grandparents like! Good luck!

Sharon - posted on 06/24/2010

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Noooo...... that is NOT "just" what grandparents do. Its what psycho obsessive people do.

24 hours after not seeing the baby, she sits & looks at pictures and cries? WTF?

THAT type of person is the kind of person who will try to take your child from by legal means when she is thwarted in her own home by a "bad" mother.

I have no advice for you, but watch your back.

Erica - posted on 06/24/2010

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well Cassie, unfortunately, I have the same problem.. however it's with MY mom. We have been living with her since 2005 when my daughter was born, and we are going to stay living with her while I'm going to school til May '12. She does the same crap! It's just what grandparent's do. In normal situations, they live in a different house than the grandchildren, so it doesn't have that great of an effect on the child. However, grandparents don't seem to understand that when we live with them: we can't just go home and fix our child until the next time we visit! I have to actually put my foot down with my mom sometimes and sometimes I actually snap at her when she gives my daughter (and now my son who's 1) precisely what they're throwing a fit for. She sometimes does it behind my back and then laughs when I catch her.

My advice would be to sit her down and tell her how much you all 'love' her and how much the baby loves her and how much you appreciate her letting you guys live with them cause it's kept you out of a horrible living situation.... you know... butter her up real good. Then gently say: sometimes though, mom, when I'm trying to teach the baby that fits are fruitless or that her actions are wrong, you kind of seem to reinforce her behavior. I know you don't mean to do it, but I'd like it if you just leave her disciplining to me and then after the situation has calmed down, then you can go back to loving on her and being the grandma she loves.

It may work, it may not. good luck! i know if i said any of that to my mom she'd laugh at me cause i'm NEVER that nice. it may work with your MIL though :)

Medic - posted on 06/24/2010

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My step mom was the same way with my son specifically. I finially had a freak out and as nicely as I can I told her thank you for all that you do but you are not doing my kids any favors by undermining me. I also would over talk her when she was trying to undermine me. It worked.

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