My mother in law wants 2 be mom not grandma and wants 2 control wut we do

Melany - posted on 11/12/2009 ( 115 moms have responded )

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My mother in law is driving me crazy!!! The way she acts i swear she wants 2 be my daughters mother. I try and make sure that every week i take my daughter 2 see my parent and then my husbands fam, but it's not enough she complains that she wants 2 see her every day and then sed she would compromise for 2days a week one being without my husband and i around Like shes some kind of object or sumthin anyways i didnt allow it but the one day that we do go there she wont let me have anything 2 do with my daughter and if my daughter wants me she says no and takes her away Im scared 2 say or do anything around her cause it like walkin on egg shells if u don't do what she wants it's a big fight. Anyways i also feel like i am in comp with them if i do or get somthing for my daughter they have 2 out do me she trys doing all the first and stuff that should be what the parent does she even is now planin on making a room for her because i chose 2 do tinker bell when they wanted me 2 do princess . I dont see y she needs a room made for her there when shes not gonna be staying there her self very much only when i need her 2, her room is at our house. She also acts like she is the only grandparent and is jealous if i say anything about my family. I cant even post very many pics on my pages cause she steals them all even though she has alot of her own. OH and then when she does watch my daughter she doesnt even take care of her right. I wish i could just not be involverd with them but it's my husbands fam and they our her grandparents but sometime they just push me 2 far but im 2 nice 2 say anything anyways i guess wut im asking is what do i do and how do i make her realize she is the grandparent not the mother?









Update my mil and i jus got in a huge fight my daughter was not around but still i did not want it 2 come 2 that but it did i now feel alot better and she says everything is ok we shall see i will update!

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Clarey - posted on 08/30/2012

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wow this sounds exactly like my situation! my husband and i just ended up moving our family to another state and cutting off contact after going through over a year of that crap.... whats worse was my sister in law was just as crazy as my mil if not more!! grr! moving away was the best thing for us. my mil wants my daughter to refer to her as ma too ughh! my sister in law ended up having a baby too so my mil has regained her little baby to role play with [lol!]... my husband and i are ttc for #2 which i plan to keep as private as possible from extended family... if i were to have another situation like i had with my daughter i don't know if i could take it!

Sharyn - posted on 11/15/2009

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my in laws would love to have my daughter, they even asked for her to stay with them for a week when she was 3 months old !! i said over my dead body and they know now that if they even push me, i will cut them off .....
set boundaries now or you'll go crazy ... stand up to her, you are your childs mother, she had her chance with your husband ....

Claire - posted on 11/14/2009

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OOOOHHHHH dear girly, please don't do what i did for 7 years and feel like i had to put up with it for the sake of your partner!!! The only one who get's stresed is you.. . . . The best thing i ever done was get my own life, put them in there place and if they dont like then tell them too get a life of there own!!! Life is way too short to try a please everyone!!!!!

Jessica - posted on 06/25/2011

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Put your foot down. If you cut ties with her because SHE is abusing you (this IS abuse) and bullying you, then no judge will MAKE you let her see them. Simple as that. YOU are the mom.

Dale - posted on 11/18/2009

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I suppose I don't know the whole story, but as a grandmother of nine and greatgrandmother of three, I can relate to wanting to see the grandbabies without the parents hovering around. Some of my best times with my grand-daughters is when they come and stay with me for a week or two, (because we live over 200 miles away). As for the room at Grandma's house--------why not? Someday you may need her to keep your daughter and she would feel more at home and comfortable in a room she could claim as her own. Trust me, if you are a kind, nurturing and loving mother, NO ONE can take your daughter's love from you. Count your blessings because there are too many mothers-in-law that want nothing to do with grand-babies. Look at this in a positive way and share your daughter. She will be so blessed to have so many people that love her .

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Leyla - posted on 02/13/2012

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This is weird did she have a daughter of her own? Il assume she didn't and maybe she's trying to interpret your daughter into hers i'm going through the same thing at the moment with my MIL She had IVF after she found i was pregnant to her son cos she didn't want to be left out (sad i know) anyway at 45 her IVF was successful! poor baby all those risks involved. she really wanted a girl, she said shel be devastated if its a boy, turns out i'm having a girl she's having a boy. So now our babies our born she keeps saying how they look like brother and sister she wants a twin buggy pram so she can say there twins when there out cos she's embarresed of being a grandma and a mum at the same time. (my daughter is older than her son) She gets angry when people say they dont look nothing alike (which they don't) shes obsessed with them looking like twins. i feel for you your MIL sounds crazy!

Jessica - posted on 06/25/2011

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Put your foot down. If you cut ties with her because SHE is abusing you (this IS abuse) and bullying you, then no judge will MAKE you let her see them. Simple as that. YOU are the mom.

[deleted account]

You need to talk to her alone and tell her what you feel and set boundaries. If you don't later in life your child may not respect you as her parent. My mother has done this with my niece and now her mother has no say. It has to be done so this does not happen.

Carmen - posted on 11/16/2009

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Well I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I have one grandson and it is hard to pull away from being or acting like a parent to him. When he was younger I found myself interferring when my son would displine him and he would tell me to back off. We would buy him soemthing everytime we went shopping if he was with us until his mother and dad asked us not to because he expected a surprise whenever they went shopping. It isn't easy to remember that I am grandma but now it is fun to be grandma we do a lot of things together. My grandson parents are not married or together and we would buy things for him as you dais the parents should purchase but we would check with his parents. It took my awhile to remember I am "Grandma" and that is special.

Have you tried talking to your husband and seeing if he could talk to his family? Also, is this the only grandchild? You stated that you don't want to saything because it will cause a fight. Guess what if they want to be part of the childs life they have to respect you and your feelings. As hard as it may be you will have to sit and talk to your in-laws and let them know how you feel. How is your daughters behavior after they have been with your in-laws? IF they are acting out or hard to handle you can use that your will not to visit as oftern because the girls are diffuct to handle, but then on the otherhand they could turn that around and use it against you.

Botton line is you need to sit and lay everything out on the table. Hope it works for you. Good Luck

My grandson is 15 and we have a special bond and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

McKenzie - posted on 11/16/2009

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wow almost everyone has issues with thier mother in laws! i do to but my son is the first from her youngest son and she was allowed to do what she wanted with her other 2 grandkids but i dont stand for it, my mil let her 10 years old granddaughter walk around holding my 4 month old son, i freaked out in my head but took a breath and told the girl she wasnt allowed and my mil siadc well i was right here i looked at her and calmly said i dont care she is only 10. i am not confrontational either but i do let her know what is not appropiriate for my son. never let anyome take your daughter away when she is crying for you, if you have to explode over anything to do it over that, i would march and take her and say she is MY daughter not yours and never take her from me again, she will get the hint. you and your husband need to be a united front and talk to her together, you are married and make choices together. when you all talk just take deep breathes if you feel like getting very mad and try to talk calmly, i know its her grandparents but if they cant respect your decisions then i think they dont need to see until they can. and dont ever let them undeermind you when in front of her when you discipline her too, my mil is very bad about this when you are at her house so i cant wait till my son does something wrong and she tries it. my husband is a mommas boy and really wont say anything even though he agrees with me so i have to say it and she dont like it then oh well! you know whats best for your child and no one else does.

Sharon - posted on 11/16/2009

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Hi Melany,
First of all you have to let your mother in-law know her role and let her know this now, because your daughter is getting older and she see and hear everything. If she won't listen than your husband needs to step up and let his mother know. You'll never gets these years back. Don't let them be memories of sadness and frustration. I hope this helps God Bless you on your journey.

Erin - posted on 11/16/2009

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you need tpo put your foot down and bring this to your husbands attention and have him defend you..what she is doing is petty and immature..she is your daughter and you make the finall decisions for her..if your daughter wants you and she brings her into the other room...say something..id be damed if someone thinks that they are gonna over power me when it comes to my son..and dont think that it is you..she seems like one of those self centerd bitches who thinks she is better and above everyone else...i would put a stop to it NOW. and if she doesnt like it then o-well she doesnt need to see her then..cause if it comes down to your daughter spending time with her when you are not around..i would not be surprised if she would bad mouth you in front of her....take control now and have your husband see your point....

Crystal - posted on 11/16/2009

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You defiantly need to let her know how you are feeling. She has raised her children and now you are the mother. It is wonderful that she has a place for your child and wants to spend time with her. But when your daughter is asking for you and she takes her to the other room, I would polity walk over get my daughter, tell her that she wants her mother and once you tend to her she is welcome to play with her again and if she doesn't like that I would pack our belongings and end the visit for that day. It will not take long for her to realize that she is the grandparent.

Sophie - posted on 11/16/2009

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I think you just need to sit down with her and tell her. Your the mum and if something doesnt feel right you need to say afterall you are the eyes and ears for your child and need to stand up for yourself and child it will only get worse if you dont.

Jainina - posted on 11/16/2009

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Hunny, your the mom... what you say goes... your mil gave birth to your husbund not your daughter, and she does need to realize that. after all you pushed the kid out from between your legs and carried her for 9 months and she calls you mom... grandparents are grandparents and they are mean't to sit at the sidelines and just support you, but spoil your child in the condition they aren't hindering what your trying to teach her,so just simply let it be known you have nothing against her being apart of your daughters life, but she needs to back off and let you decide whats best for your daughter... and that when your around you won't tolerate her pushing you around anymore nor will you tolerate her allowing your child to do what you have already said no to her for. Warn her that if she can't respect your wishes then you can refuse to come around until she learns that your daughter is to be spoiled within terms of not destroying how your trying to raise your child, and that your pretty sure since she has survived to be 2 that you can pretty much handle your child wihtout her help... and you don't want her help unless you ask... but first you need to make sure this won't upset your husbund and if he will stand behind you and completely agree in saying his mother is out of line... good luck...

Kathy - posted on 11/16/2009

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you need to talk to your husband about the situation and tell him what your feeling... you both need to be strong and tell the inlaws to back off a bit and let you raise your little girl the way you want. if you let it go on too long it will only make things more difficult you and your family. The only time inlaws really need to get involved is if your not coping yourself. Dont give in to there demands and let them dominate you.... You and your husband are the parents and the inlaws need to understand that.



Mick & Kath

Julie - posted on 11/16/2009

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I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position. Being a new mom is tough enough without being steamrolled like that! I would suggest that your hubby sit down and talk to her, or better yet, the two of you together. Show a united front, and make statements in a calm but matter-of-fact manner (as in, this is not open to debate, this is how you two have decided it's going to be), saying you appreciate that your child has such a loving and devoted grandmother, she needs to take a step back and allow you to be the parents and figure out how to be the grandma. There's a line between offering support and trying to take control. Remind her maybe that she was in this position once and how she would have felt if a parent or in-law was trying to undermine her role as mother/parent. Remember, you ARE the parents, what you say DOES go.

Ursula - posted on 11/16/2009

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Hello Melany,

My name is Ursula and i can understand where you are coming from. my mother -in-law is also a very strong willed woman so to speak and had my battles with her because she became a bit of a bully over my life.
she was demanding me to go and see her twice a week with my kids and call her even more then my own mother. Now enough is enough. One occasion she phoned me and started to have a go at me and then took the opportunity and told her there and then on the phone that it is my life woth my children with my husband and i do not need her to tell my how to spend my days and how to rais my kids. Sometimes you have to be stirn otherwise she walks over you. ok i have to admit that we did not speak for 2 months but at the end she came to me and appologiesed and put the ground rules down. I new it will happen sooner or later because I cant bare it when somebody invaid my territory without "asking to enter". do you know what I mean?
well the long storry to short If I were you would tell her how you feel.
Ursula

Ursula - posted on 11/16/2009

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Quoting Melany :

My mother in law wants 2 be mom not grandma and wants 2 control wut we do

My mother in law is driving me crazy!!! The way she acts i swear she wants 2 be my daughters mother. I try and make sure that every week i take my daughter 2 see my parent and then my husbands fam, but it's not enough she complains that she wants 2 see her every day and then sed she would compromise for 2days a week one being without my husband and i around Like shes some kind of object or sumthin anyways i didnt allow it but the one day that we do go there she wont let me have anything 2 do with my daughter and if my daughter wants me she says no and takes her away Im scared 2 say or do anything around her cause it like walkin on egg shells if u don't do what she wants it's a big fight. Anyways i also feel like i am in comp with them if i do or get somthing for my daughter they have 2 out do me she trys doing all the first and stuff that should be what the parent does she even is now planin on making a room for her because i chose 2 do tinker bell when they wanted me 2 do princess . I dont see y she needs a room made for her there when shes not gonna be staying there her self very much only when i need her 2, her room is at our house. She also acts like she is the only grandparent and is jealous if i say anything about my family. I cant even post very many pics on my pages cause she steals them all even though she has alot of her own. OH and then when she does watch my daughter she doesnt even take care of her right. I wish i could just not be involverd with them but it's my husbands fam and they our her grandparents but sometime they just push me 2 far but im 2 nice 2 say anything anyways i guess wut im asking is what do i do and how do i make her realize she is the grandparent not the mother?


 

Malissa - posted on 11/15/2009

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I'm sorry you're going through that with your MIL. You and your husband are doing the right thing in trying to talk to her about this, I say keep it up. But it also sounds like she hasn't properly dealt with the miscarriage she had yet, and that's where some of this is coming from... I don't know, I'm not there so I could be wrong.... I know it's not the most pleasant subject in the world but have you tried asking her about her loss and why she feels the need to act this way? Maybe she needs to talk to someone about it to sort this out for herself. I know losing a child/pregnancy is far from easy but some people take it worse than others, especially if they don't know how to cope you know? Either way I wish you luck and I hope everything turns out okay in the end. Let us know how it goes.

Kellie - posted on 11/15/2009

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Your daughter knows who her mum is, that's what counts.That can never chenge.
Dont waste your energy on being negative about your in laws, your daughter will pick upon it then you will end up being the bad guy.

Aisa - posted on 11/15/2009

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i had my mother inlaw wanting to be a wife to her own son. the way i cook, clean etc isn't the way she does things or in her mind how her son likes it! i especially love the fact how she watched me while i do these things around my own home and always made it clear how she does it!

i should have done this by myself because i had built up so much anger in the 2 weeks she had stayed with us i knew i would have made it worse so i got hubby to.
Set her aside and let her know how you feel about the whole situation, and let her know that you and your partner make the decisions for your children not her

Nita - posted on 11/15/2009

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I feel, there is a lot of hate on these responses :( A lot about control and telling the gmother off ......maybe you just do not like your MIL and have made this about the child? However she is your husband's mother.... she raised him.... he turned out alright enough that you married him.....maybe you need to back off a few ax handles and be grateful that she loves your child and wants to see her----- some grandparents do not.......NO CHILD can be loved to much by alot of different people .... I feel, you need to take a deep breath and pray for more insight into your MIL ---not so much angry for starters ---does your child enjoy being with your MIL ----if so such enjoy the alone time you and your husband have when your child is with your MIL----- try to be grateful instead of so judging ----do something positive when your MIL has your child..... visit the cancer ward with dying children ...or mothers.... she is your husband's mother ----- relax a little and everyone will be happier for it ---you most of all. PRAYERS A mother, MIL, grandmother, and a daughter. and daughter-in-law

Marlene - posted on 11/15/2009

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sounds like my mother in law she got bent outta shape when i corrected my stepson about 2months ago and we havent spoken since! she wont even ask how my son is doing anymore
my advice to you is tell her either you respect me as her parents or we cannot bring her to you anymore that worked with my mom lol good luck!

Cathy - posted on 11/15/2009

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I understand what you are saying. My daughters in-laws are the same way. They can't understand that she has two sets of grandparents that both love her. You will have to put your foot down, I'm afraid. You will have to tell her that this is your child and you make decisions right or wrong for her. The in-laws wanted to take over my granddaughters life as far as wanting to see her every day and if my daughter brought her to my house, they got jealous. This is real bad for a child. The parents are the ones to make decisions regarding their child. Be strong and speak up now, before it gets worse and believe me, it will!

Sharalyn - posted on 11/14/2009

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Let her know her role. Even if that means you have to be a bit abrasive. Sometimes that does get across. She will back off once you gain the courage to stop and confront her on what she is doing. I would personally call her out on her antics. My mother is the same way, however, I know how to handle my mother and how to speak to her in a positive tone and manner. You should never feel like you have to 'watch your steps' when you are there, especially if it involves your child. HELLO?! You are the mama bear!!! You know your role, its time that she knows yours and your husband needs to back you up on this too. No if's, and's or but's about it. You and him are one and together you both need to settle this situation about his mother. Hope this helps.

Sherelle - posted on 11/14/2009

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She's controlling you. You choose what you would like for your daughter and how to raise her. If she doesn't like your visits then tough. Never walk on egg shells to save an argument. Speak your mind in a civil and definite manner. Your husband should be standing strong beside you. If he's not then he's probably been raised to agree with his mother to save arguments as well. Surely things can be resolved without anger and disappointment where everybody is coming away with something and if not, then you walk with your head high and your daughter in your arms until she comes around. She sounds like a right old cow. I have one myself and have been there. It's not easy but in the long run will be better for you, your daughter and your family. Good luck.

Julie - posted on 11/14/2009

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Okay this is coming from a mother who is also a grandmother. I watch my granddaughters a lot and I can get the same way, in my daughter - in - laws eyes, I'm sure. I do have a playroom at my house, but I also have many nephews and some nieces who come to visit at times. It's difficult to understand all the changes there are now in what the doctors and nutritionists tell you to do with children. My son and his wife would get angry if I gave my olest granddaughter stuff that she shouldn't have yet. I told them they had to work with me and let me know what is what because so much seems to have changed since my kids were babies. They now have a 2nd daughter and are expecting a son in March. They have learned to fill me in on the newest changes and it is also nice to know why these changes have occured. They kind of took on the mentality of "we are the parents and we say so" which didn't help matters. Especially if it's changed so much that what I did was very different and I'm thinking what they are doing is not healthy. So now they tell me why and then I understand and we get along much better. You might want to talk to your husband as well and ask him to speak to his mother if you aren't comfortable or at least go along when you talk to her and be there to support you. The two of you need to make boundaries for both families and then stick to them for both families. It does sound like your mother-in-law has some control issues which can be unhealthy for all involved. If you talk to your husband and see what life was like growing up with his mom you can probably find out if this is an ongoing or new problem for her. It might be that she is just realizing that she is getting older and her children are now having children and she is trying to hold on to some kind of youth, through caring for a young child again. Don't be too hard on her until you find out the reasons behind the behavior. Grandparents love their grandchildren beyond anything explainable and I know how much you love your child but you will see that it's totally different when it becomes your baby's baby. It is truly unexplainable the feeling that you will have.

Also, as Jennifer said prayer definitely helps. Take care and God bless!!!

Christine - posted on 11/14/2009

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A couple of thoughts - it may help if your husband is willing to talk to her first. It can be easier to hear from your own child. Also, before you speak to her, try to see it from her perspective. She is obviously thrilled about her grandchild & loves her. I know that it feels like you are in competition with her but you aren't. You are the mom. You know it, your daughter knows it. Choose your battles. If MIL wants to decorate a room in her house for your DD - what does it hurt? Focus on the things that are not negotiable & go at it from a positive angle.

Angie - posted on 11/14/2009

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I hear you, sometimes there are grandparents who act like they are acting out for an award. Stand firm, no matter what she buys or does, you will always be mom, and most important. Perhaps she's jealous of you. Mine is always comparing my son to my husband and will find a presnet that will have the biggest box for Christmas or birthday. She has one grandchild while my parents have 12. Your daughter will learn the difference.

Betty - posted on 11/14/2009

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Quoting Melany :

My mother in law wants 2 be mom not grandma and wants 2 control wut we do

My mother in law is driving me crazy!!! The way she acts i swear she wants 2 be my daughters mother. I try and make sure that every week i take my daughter 2 see my parent and then my husbands fam, but it's not enough she complains that she wants 2 see her every day and then sed she would compromise for 2days a week one being without my husband and i around Like shes some kind of object or sumthin anyways i didnt allow it but the one day that we do go there she wont let me have anything 2 do with my daughter and if my daughter wants me she says no and takes her away Im scared 2 say or do anything around her cause it like walkin on egg shells if u don't do what she wants it's a big fight. Anyways i also feel like i am in comp with them if i do or get somthing for my daughter they have 2 out do me she trys doing all the first and stuff that should be what the parent does she even is now planin on making a room for her because i chose 2 do tinker bell when they wanted me 2 do princess . I dont see y she needs a room made for her there when shes not gonna be staying there her self very much only when i need her 2, her room is at our house. She also acts like she is the only grandparent and is jealous if i say anything about my family. I cant even post very many pics on my pages cause she steals them all even though she has alot of her own. OH and then when she does watch my daughter she doesnt even take care of her right. I wish i could just not be involverd with them but it's my husbands fam and they our her grandparents but sometime they just push me 2 far but im 2 nice 2 say anything anyways i guess wut im asking is what do i do and how do i make her realize she is the grandparent not the mother?


 

Marissa - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting Melany :



.... well jazz wanted me so i took her and she started hugging me and kissing me well my mother in law took her away .....


thats when you stop her. You are holding your baby and she took her from you, that there is the no no.  You can be very polite. "no thank you" should work. And otherwise an "excuse me, I said no thank you". Just dont let go.



You are letting her make the rules. You are the mom, you make the  rules. You don't have to be mean or disrespectful, just very determined.  If your baby calls for you, why are you allowing your MIL to take her away. Get off your *** and go to your baby, if she leaves the room, follow, if she leaves the house, follow, wherever she goes, you follow.  Don't give up, be polite but determined, your baby is calling for her mom, thats you and nobody else.



And yes, it is your husbands job to handle issues with his side of the family. He needs to stand up and defend your hurt feelings. He can put his mom in her place and be forgiven for it because he is her son. It might be hard for him, but guess what.... the way it is now is hard for you.



Good luck girl!



 





 

Lacey - posted on 11/13/2009

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It sounds like your in-laws are having a hard time not being in control. They feel like they've lost control of their son and his life since he's an adult and a father now, and are acting ridiculous to get what they want. Do not put up with it. You are the parent and if you are uncomfortable with anything anyone is doing or saying to your child, you have a right and a responsibility to say something. Do not feel bad about it either, if they make a big deal out of it, just walk away rather than getting into a big argument. If you turn the other cheek every time they try to start a fight with you they will eventually give up on the yelling and possibly try and talk things out reasonably. We had a problem similar to yours and when I finally spoke up they were shocked that I had a problem with the way they were acting. They refused to do the littlest things we asked (washing their hands before holding the baby) and it was just them trying to have a power struggle. We had to sit down with them and tell them what we expected of them as grandparents and didn't want to feel pressured to do things their way. They chose to continue with their behavior because they saw nothing wrong with the way they were acting. As a result we decided it was best to see less of them until they could respect our decisions as parents. Your in-laws had their turn to be the mom and dad and now it's your turn. My husband's parents have since learned that they have made many mistakes in our relationship and the relationship with their grandson. they are trying harder now but there has still been a lot of hurtful things between us and I doubt that things will ever truly be "ok". But we are raising our kids the way we feel is best and I don't regret sticking up for what we wanted, I only wished I'd done it sooner. So my advice is to not let things build up until you can't stand it any more, just say what you are feeling and do it calmly and respectfully and they will have no choice but to do the same to you. Good luck, I hope things work out for the best for you guys.

Heather - posted on 11/13/2009

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Where is your husband in all of this? Hello, is he just a silent bystander or is he your life partner. He should stand up for you!

Sharon - posted on 11/13/2009

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Yes something needs to be done. It is not natural for another woman regardless of who the woman is to feel they have the right to take control of your child for any period of time. You have the fundamental right to make decisions for your child. I know a woman that had a similar problem with her own mother. The single mother and child lived with her parents little by little the grandmother eased herself into the childs life dictating when the mother could have the child. It escalated to the point the young mother and daughter were seperated by her parents and just recently she lost custody because her parents claimed she abandoned her daughter 2 years earlier. The young mother didn't abandon her daughter, the young mother and daughter were deliberately seperated for a little over 2 years by the young mothers parents in an attempt to keep the child. This young mother had no record, didn't abuse the child, do drinking or drugs not even a traffic violation yet because they constructivly kept mother and daughter apart she had to fight them to get her daughter back. She is still working on getting her back. Your child is your child. This is an extreme case and a very cruel grandmother but you need to understand it is your God given right to raise your daughter in the manner you see fit. Stand up for your rights and your child!

Joanna - posted on 11/13/2009

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simple. tell her you are the parent, and if she doesn't abide by your rules then she doesn't get to see your daughter at all. sounds harsh, but you need to tell her who's in charge in this situation.

User - posted on 11/13/2009

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Ok, I have read almost all of the posts here and feel the need to comment. I think a letter with your thoughts about how you want things done with your daughter is fair and if done nicely, very appropriate. I also think that you need to be on the same page with your husband and sit with the MIL face to face with him. He does need to take sides, your side is where he should be when it comes to your child. You do need to try to work things out with your husbands family for the sake of the child. They are always the one that loose in situations like this. I hope you have good luck with this situation and are able to work it out.

Chelsea - posted on 11/13/2009

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My grandmother in law is the same exact way and my husband is too much of a coward to stand up to her. Unfortunately, there are only really 2 options: tell her to back off or bite your tongue and bear it. In the end, you have to do what's best for you or you'll go bizerk! My husband's family were so worried that they'd be the "B" grandparents (my parents being the "A" grandparents) that they are buying stuff to win my daughters affection (she's 3 weeks old). They are also over all the time and have comments about everything. I also don't like their parenting technique, but it is hard to tell the in-laws off and right now is a stressful time adjusting to life with the baby. Good luck and I hope everything works out well for you =).

Leyda - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting Melanie:

Wow sounds like you just need to sit down and talk to her. If she doesnt want to respect what you have to say then your child doesnt have to see her. Honestly if she cares at all she will not want that to happen. I have a great MIL, she respects my parenting and if she has a suggestion she will voice it but she understands that its my choice to take her advice or ignore it. Thats the understanding you need to get with her.
As far having a party at her house for YOUR child's 1st Birthday.... HELL NO... You need to draw a line and that needs to be it. Thats your baby, i know how exciting it was for me to throw my oldest daughter her 1st birthday party, dont let her take that away from you.



i agree maybe suggest that she can help you come up with ideas or help you plan things for it but that all final desicions are made by you and your husband.

Leyda - posted on 11/13/2009

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i can advise you that yes you should talk to her but since you dont want things to excalate between you and her and your husband agrees with you then you should have him talk to her about the way that she over does it and the way that it makes you feel he should reassure her that you are an exellent mother and that so far you have been handling things well & to not have worries that you guys will always be fair about the time that she spends with her grandaughter. about her wanting to make her grandaughter a room for herself why does it bother you so much?
I mean if you already are clear with your husband about the time limit that your child will be visiting her then that's all that matters why worry about what she wants to do with an empty room in her house. i really think that it is good for her to have her grandchild for a few hours i to was this way but then came to realize that myhusband and i had no us time why not let her babysit for a little while you and hubby go out on a dinner dat or movie or just go home and relax it will be good for the both of you. one last advice remember that your husband is stuck in the middle between his mother witch brought him into this world and you his wife the women that he chose to spend the rest of his life with he cares for both of your feelings bought but so much drama could end in nothing good. sometimes it's best to just ignore.

Firebird - posted on 11/13/2009

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You are certainly not alone! A letter seems to be a good way to go, that way you can keep your emotions in line.... if I weren't the type to take it head on the second it happens, a letter is what I would probably have done (maybe it's what I should have done! lol). But be warned that writing a letter might send your MIL back to high school. She might take the immature road and say you're too "chicken" to confront her yourself. Either way, letter or in person, things might not work the way you hope. She might show you a lot more respect if you talk about it in person. Good luck!

Melany - posted on 11/13/2009

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Thank you so much everyone for your feedback. I feel alot better knoing im not alone in this and that there is hope. Im still debating how i am going 2 confront her but all ur comments are helping me get a lil more confident. Im really considering writing a letter so then everything gets out and i won't blow up cause i want 2 do this the best way i can what do you guys think?

Melanie - posted on 11/13/2009

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Wow sounds like you just need to sit down and talk to her. If she doesnt want to respect what you have to say then your child doesnt have to see her. Honestly if she cares at all she will not want that to happen. I have a great MIL, she respects my parenting and if she has a suggestion she will voice it but she understands that its my choice to take her advice or ignore it. Thats the understanding you need to get with her.
As far having a party at her house for YOUR child's 1st Birthday.... HELL NO... You need to draw a line and that needs to be it. Thats your baby, i know how exciting it was for me to throw my oldest daughter her 1st birthday party, dont let her take that away from you.

Firebird - posted on 11/13/2009

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I don't have much advice but I'll tell you what I did. Anytime someone in my ex's family gave me trouble or overstepped their boundaries after I got tired of being nice, I just told them off. Once it got so bad that his grandma wasn't allowed in my apartment or near our daughter for a month! I just got tired of being nice about it all. So I put my foot down once and for all when she bit back (actually she didn't bite, she threw a toy at me that missed my kid's head by a few centimeters) she was out for a month. I have the baby so I have the power. I can be quite merciless when my mind is set on something and if someone steps on my toes too hard I cut them out of my life (and my daughters') until I believe they've learned their lesson. The only reason it lasted just a month was because my ex appealed to my better nature and convinced me to let granny apologize. And apologize she did! lol After the spat with granny, my ex's family realized they can't just walk over me and that the rules I have for my daughter are more than reasonable even if they don't agree with all of them. I get along with his grandma great now! I rarely have to deal with his mother because of reasons I don't wish to discuss but when she's around she knows her boundaries too. They are more than welcome to be the best grandparents they can be but I am the ONLY mother! I'm a no BS person, quite often I am downright mean! If I won't take that kind of treatment from my own mother, I sure won't take from someone else's mother! You can only be so nice for so long before you realize you've got to start a fight. Hopefully it won't get that far with your family.

Mandi - posted on 11/13/2009

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well, having gone thru this myself w/ more than one set of extended families I can tell you not to blow up. handle it as diplomatically as possible. you must remember that this is your husbands mother and he should not be put into a position to have to take sides. set your bounds and leave it at that. tell her that you bring her by to visit as much as is allowed with your time schedule. should she need more then she should call you & ask when it would be a good time to come to your home to visit. I'd have her come when your husband is home. does he know how his mother is making you feel? tell him. maybe he has a suggestion, especially since he grew up with the woman, he should know how to handle her. her behavior is nothing new i'm sure. it's always hard for grandparents. they try to make amends thru their grandchildren for the mess ups they did as parents...she is human, try talking to her and express your feelings calmly. good luck!

Tracey - posted on 11/13/2009

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i do believe that this woman is stressing you out and she shouldnt have that much of authority in your home to tell you when to bring your child. simply say no when she TELLS you to bring over

Kourtney - posted on 11/13/2009

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I can sympathize! My mother-in-law was pissed bc I bought our daughter her first Halloween costume, and she thought she should have been the one to do it. She actually said that to me. My baby's christening was a couple of weeks ago. My MIL asked how much the christening gown cost, gave us the money for the baby's gift, and then walked aroung the reception telling everyone how she was the one to buy the dress. Yuo need to stand up to your MIL, because I didn't at first, and things got worse and worse. Since I've started standing up to her, she's been a little pissy, but hings are getting better. You need to remind her that she's already been a mommy, and you haven't!! Good luck.

Melany - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting Sharon:



Quoting Melany :

THank you all for ur advice! Another thing i wanna ask is well my daughters first birthday is coming up and im having a party and all for her (which my mother in law is going 2) but my mother in law want 2 take her and have her own party without my husband i there should i allow that?






Are you friggen insane?  Hell no!






 






You have had a birthday party for her, the MIL is invited.  If she doesn't show up because she is being pissy then tough nuts for her!



 



thank you so much for you feedback i talked 2 my husband and he is going 2 tell her no. I'll keep posted what happens.





 

Melany - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting Terra:



Quoting Melany :

THank you all for ur advice! Another thing i wanna ask is well my daughters first birthday is coming up and im having a party and all for her (which my mother in law is going 2) but my mother in law want 2 take her and have her own party without my husband i there should i allow that?






NO NO NO!  Your MIL is very out of line.  She needs to step back... there is already a party by you and your husband.  First birthdays are very special... not only to your daughter but to you and your hubby.  By her doing that it would cheapin it.  You definately need to set boundaries you are the mother.  You do not need to tip toe around what you want to say.  You come right out and say you are the grandmother and I am the mother, so quit trying to take over.  I am sorry but this post actually makes me angry for you... I think this is the first time I have actually been angry over a post on here.



 thank you very much for ur feedback i didnt think it was ok and it really bothered me but it's nice hearing that im not in the wrong for feeling this way i talked 2 my husband and he's suspose 2 tell her no. I'll keep u posted on how it goes.



 





 

Melany - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting sallie:

does he even care to be having you go through this...? man i would not let none of this ride... get a back bone girl and take your family and stand up for it..... who made her your daughters mother...noone , exactly, now let her know that she will not be allowed at the bday party and that you will have security there to escort her ass out.... shit this is insane mom.....


Yeah my husband is on my side and feels the same way i do when it comes 2 everthing, He has sed a few things 2 her but when he does it comes back on me cuz they say he's only saying cause i told him 2 even tho its how he feels 2. I told her off once right after my daughter was born. My mother sasked me if a certain day was ok for myfam christmas party and i sed ok well then my mil calls up and ask for the same day for smthing with her fam and i sed no cause i already had plans well she freaked out on me saying i needed 2 cancle my plans with my fam and go 2 theres cause my grandparents and aunts and uncle already saw jazz (only cause they came 2 the hospital) and her fam hasnt got 2 yet (cause they didnt come up) Well this pissed me off so i blew up and told her she needed 2 stop trying 2 control everything and stop being jelous off everything and so did my husband itr worked for a while but then now well IT's way worse!!!!! I am gonna try 2 talk 2 her a write a letter or somthing everyones advice has really helped me get a lil more confident so thank you very much!!!!



 

Sallie - posted on 11/13/2009

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does he even care to be having you go through this...? man i would not let none of this ride... get a back bone girl and take your family and stand up for it..... who made her your daughters mother...noone , exactly, now let her know that she will not be allowed at the bday party and that you will have security there to escort her ass out.... shit this is insane mom.....

Brooke - posted on 11/13/2009

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you have gotten lots of feed back on this issue and i hope it helps you.. the best advice i can give u, is that u address this together with your husband. even though he agrees with you on this. sending only one of you to talk to her could bring up other problems. this is a family problem and it needs to be handled as one.

Lisa - posted on 11/13/2009

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I agree with Jennifer Chandler!! You need to set boundaries and stick with them!!! Be fair!! And PRAY!!! I had a MIL like that and worse with my first marriage. She wanted my oldest daughter to call her MOM!! Thats when I backed off!!! I wish I would of had this advice back then!!!

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