My mother in law wants 2 be mom not grandma and wants 2 control wut we do

Melany - posted on 11/12/2009 ( 115 moms have responded )

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My mother in law is driving me crazy!!! The way she acts i swear she wants 2 be my daughters mother. I try and make sure that every week i take my daughter 2 see my parent and then my husbands fam, but it's not enough she complains that she wants 2 see her every day and then sed she would compromise for 2days a week one being without my husband and i around Like shes some kind of object or sumthin anyways i didnt allow it but the one day that we do go there she wont let me have anything 2 do with my daughter and if my daughter wants me she says no and takes her away Im scared 2 say or do anything around her cause it like walkin on egg shells if u don't do what she wants it's a big fight. Anyways i also feel like i am in comp with them if i do or get somthing for my daughter they have 2 out do me she trys doing all the first and stuff that should be what the parent does she even is now planin on making a room for her because i chose 2 do tinker bell when they wanted me 2 do princess . I dont see y she needs a room made for her there when shes not gonna be staying there her self very much only when i need her 2, her room is at our house. She also acts like she is the only grandparent and is jealous if i say anything about my family. I cant even post very many pics on my pages cause she steals them all even though she has alot of her own. OH and then when she does watch my daughter she doesnt even take care of her right. I wish i could just not be involverd with them but it's my husbands fam and they our her grandparents but sometime they just push me 2 far but im 2 nice 2 say anything anyways i guess wut im asking is what do i do and how do i make her realize she is the grandparent not the mother?









Update my mil and i jus got in a huge fight my daughter was not around but still i did not want it 2 come 2 that but it did i now feel alot better and she says everything is ok we shall see i will update!

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Melany - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting Terra:



Quoting Melany :

THank you all for ur advice! Another thing i wanna ask is well my daughters first birthday is coming up and im having a party and all for her (which my mother in law is going 2) but my mother in law want 2 take her and have her own party without my husband i there should i allow that?






NO NO NO!  Your MIL is very out of line.  She needs to step back... there is already a party by you and your husband.  First birthdays are very special... not only to your daughter but to you and your hubby.  By her doing that it would cheapin it.  You definately need to set boundaries you are the mother.  You do not need to tip toe around what you want to say.  You come right out and say you are the grandmother and I am the mother, so quit trying to take over.  I am sorry but this post actually makes me angry for you... I think this is the first time I have actually been angry over a post on here.



 thank you very much for ur feedback i didnt think it was ok and it really bothered me but it's nice hearing that im not in the wrong for feeling this way i talked 2 my husband and he's suspose 2 tell her no. I'll keep u posted on how it goes.



 





 

Melany - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting sallie:

does he even care to be having you go through this...? man i would not let none of this ride... get a back bone girl and take your family and stand up for it..... who made her your daughters mother...noone , exactly, now let her know that she will not be allowed at the bday party and that you will have security there to escort her ass out.... shit this is insane mom.....


Yeah my husband is on my side and feels the same way i do when it comes 2 everthing, He has sed a few things 2 her but when he does it comes back on me cuz they say he's only saying cause i told him 2 even tho its how he feels 2. I told her off once right after my daughter was born. My mother sasked me if a certain day was ok for myfam christmas party and i sed ok well then my mil calls up and ask for the same day for smthing with her fam and i sed no cause i already had plans well she freaked out on me saying i needed 2 cancle my plans with my fam and go 2 theres cause my grandparents and aunts and uncle already saw jazz (only cause they came 2 the hospital) and her fam hasnt got 2 yet (cause they didnt come up) Well this pissed me off so i blew up and told her she needed 2 stop trying 2 control everything and stop being jelous off everything and so did my husband itr worked for a while but then now well IT's way worse!!!!! I am gonna try 2 talk 2 her a write a letter or somthing everyones advice has really helped me get a lil more confident so thank you very much!!!!



 

Sallie - posted on 11/13/2009

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does he even care to be having you go through this...? man i would not let none of this ride... get a back bone girl and take your family and stand up for it..... who made her your daughters mother...noone , exactly, now let her know that she will not be allowed at the bday party and that you will have security there to escort her ass out.... shit this is insane mom.....

Brooke - posted on 11/13/2009

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you have gotten lots of feed back on this issue and i hope it helps you.. the best advice i can give u, is that u address this together with your husband. even though he agrees with you on this. sending only one of you to talk to her could bring up other problems. this is a family problem and it needs to be handled as one.

Lisa - posted on 11/13/2009

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I agree with Jennifer Chandler!! You need to set boundaries and stick with them!!! Be fair!! And PRAY!!! I had a MIL like that and worse with my first marriage. She wanted my oldest daughter to call her MOM!! Thats when I backed off!!! I wish I would of had this advice back then!!!

Terra - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting Melany :

THank you all for ur advice! Another thing i wanna ask is well my daughters first birthday is coming up and im having a party and all for her (which my mother in law is going 2) but my mother in law want 2 take her and have her own party without my husband i there should i allow that?



NO NO NO!  Your MIL is very out of line.  She needs to step back... there is already a party by you and your husband.  First birthdays are very special... not only to your daughter but to you and your hubby.  By her doing that it would cheapin it.  You definately need to set boundaries you are the mother.  You do not need to tip toe around what you want to say.  You come right out and say you are the grandmother and I am the mother, so quit trying to take over.  I am sorry but this post actually makes me angry for you... I think this is the first time I have actually been angry over a post on here.

Sharon - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting Melany :

THank you all for ur advice! Another thing i wanna ask is well my daughters first birthday is coming up and im having a party and all for her (which my mother in law is going 2) but my mother in law want 2 take her and have her own party without my husband i there should i allow that?



Are you friggen insane?  Hell no!



 



You have had a birthday party for her, the MIL is invited.  If she doesn't show up because she is being pissy then tough nuts for her!

Melany - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting Wendy:

i don't have that situation but i would talk to my husband and see if he is having these feelings. then from there i would let him deal with it if he is if not i would meet with them somewhere like tim horton's or another public place and express my concerns. I do agree that grandparents do play an important role in a child's life. They do however have to understand that it is not there place to over step your boundries and they need to be told that. However, you express concern that she doesn't take care of her properly. Is she putting your daughter in harms way? As long as her physical, mental and emotional well being are being attended to while she is with her grandparents then she is ok. Remember they raised your husband and any siblings that he may of had. How were they as parents to him. In the past few years i have learned that people do not always do the same as you but still get the same results. I do not agree with her not allowing you to have the child when the child wants you that is not ok and i would be saying something. To avoid this in the future could you set up a time 1 or 2 times a week when the child goes to there house to be with them while you and your husband take advantage of the time to be together as a couple with out the destraction of a child. That way your relationship doesn't suffer. Also my aunt is an awesome grandmother and she has a room in her house for her grandchildren. It used to be just the granddaughters but now they have a grandson to. This room now is where they have toys and can watch tv take a nap or whatever the case maybe while they r at her house. I think that it is a neat idea myself. The oldest grandchild now spends at least one night a month over at her grandparents and has her own space.
Just a few things to concider. Remember no matter what no one will take care of your child like you do. Try to keep an open communiction with the grandparents. If this is there first grandchild then they r probably just as excited as u are.


WEll she wasnt feeding her her formula when she was suspose 2 so my daughter was starving when i got her the cups i had in the bag where still full of her wter and never used and not changing diapers so my daughter would be sitting in a super wet diaper and a lot of time be soaked through. Then another time while we were at my sisters wedding she had my daughter and next thing i knew my daughter was crying bloody murder like she had been hurt and when i comfronted her she told me i don't kno wut happened she jus started crying and hen when we went over 2 where her husband was the truth cam eout cause he started say it was her fault cause sge bent down 2 get somthin while holding my daughter and pinched her not that big of a deal but if she cant even be honest about somthin little like that wut happens hwen something serious happens. I kno not everyone will take care of her like i do but some things r jus not ok. AS far as the room goes i wouldnt mind if it wasnt for the reasons she is doing it.  thank you for your advice


 

Rebecca - posted on 11/13/2009

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to me it seems like she want her as her own baby. if she don't want her to call her mom she can call her Nana.if i were you i would talk to my husband about it and let him know how you feel and if he don't do anything about it then you will. if it does come to the point you don't have to be nasty about it, but just let her know how you feel and if she want change, just pray about it and hopefully something will happen....GOOD LUCK!!

Marcy - posted on 11/13/2009

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get space from ur mother in law...and if that doesnt work then just tell her how u feel...be polite and if she takes it wrong trust me shell get over it

Laura - posted on 11/13/2009

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No. simply No... you should not allow her to have a private party... a special dinner with Grandma, or shopping trip.. something of that sort. But not a private party that is designed to EXCLUDE you and your husband. I am a firm believer that children can never have too many people who love them, and Grandparents can be true gifts from God. However, this grandma sounds very insecure... and does need to understand boundaries exist. You may need to put up with a few temper tantrums from Grandma while you are enforcing those boundaries, but a fair and firm hand... along with understanding that you are REALLY not in any competition with her... should help ease things.

Wendy - posted on 11/13/2009

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no i would definately not allow that

i would put a stop to this immediately

I would even go to the point of telling her how u feel and telling her the boundries that you have and if she doesn't follow them even once then you tell her until she understands what the boundries r that she will not see her grandchild

you r the mom and no matter what mistakes she may think u r making they r yours to make

Tracy - posted on 11/13/2009

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omg! That is soooo wrong! First of all, your husband needs to say something, if you can't get up the nerve to. It sounds like she's got you under a hold or something. I agree with the other post about setting boundaries. She's way over the top with her behavior! Is this her only grandchild? If not, does she treat her other grandchildren the same way? If there has been a strained relationship between the 2 or you, then maybe it's time to work that out...then maybe she won't be in such comptetition & so controlling. But of course I dont' know her, so that would be something you should look into. Is there any person outside the family, like a minister, someone that could counsel both you & your mother-in-law together.?...so that she doesn't feel like she's being singled out. as the bad person. Just a thought. Something has to be done, because this will only get worse as your daughter gets older.

Wendy - posted on 11/13/2009

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i don't have that situation but i would talk to my husband and see if he is having these feelings. then from there i would let him deal with it if he is if not i would meet with them somewhere like tim horton's or another public place and express my concerns. I do agree that grandparents do play an important role in a child's life. They do however have to understand that it is not there place to over step your boundries and they need to be told that. However, you express concern that she doesn't take care of her properly. Is she putting your daughter in harms way? As long as her physical, mental and emotional well being are being attended to while she is with her grandparents then she is ok. Remember they raised your husband and any siblings that he may of had. How were they as parents to him. In the past few years i have learned that people do not always do the same as you but still get the same results. I do not agree with her not allowing you to have the child when the child wants you that is not ok and i would be saying something. To avoid this in the future could you set up a time 1 or 2 times a week when the child goes to there house to be with them while you and your husband take advantage of the time to be together as a couple with out the destraction of a child. That way your relationship doesn't suffer. Also my aunt is an awesome grandmother and she has a room in her house for her grandchildren. It used to be just the granddaughters but now they have a grandson to. This room now is where they have toys and can watch tv take a nap or whatever the case maybe while they r at her house. I think that it is a neat idea myself. The oldest grandchild now spends at least one night a month over at her grandparents and has her own space.

Just a few things to concider. Remember no matter what no one will take care of your child like you do. Try to keep an open communiction with the grandparents. If this is there first grandchild then they r probably just as excited as u are.

Sallie - posted on 11/13/2009

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girl.... let me tell you what you need..... put her in her place.... and if the hubby does not like it tell him to go make her a baby... no , wait that sounds all fucked up.... you need to let her know that your baby id your baby she had her own in the past and now she needs to be a grandmother not her mother,,,, she needs to back off because in the long run that situation will affect your little one.... and husband if you get to read this ,,,, give your wife the respect and place she deserves.... come on now.... i hope it all works out for you.... and as for your pix i think there is a way to post and not share...look into that... and sorry for coming on too bluntly.... but man that pisses me off,,, my mother in law is such a cunt that even if she hears you talk loud to the kids,,,, cps is the first to know... but like i did,,, ftb i stepped up.... i had my sons not her all she did was kick them out at 16.... so there she goes....GOD BLESS you and be strong....stand up for your rights woman......

Joanie - posted on 11/13/2009

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Oh my gosh Iam struggling with this same thing. My 6 month old daugther cries for my all the time and my monther-in-law refuses to give her to me. At first I was too nice to say anything like you but that is my baby not hers so I just go and grab her out of her arms now. Nothing is said I do however get a few dirty looks. I talked to my husband and we decided that he should have a talk with his mother. I think it was bothering him too. So he did talk to her. It helped for a few weeks but she just went back to the same old. So now when she does something like not letting me have her when I ask for her or when I do have her following me all over the house....I just tell her to back off! sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. But at least Im telling her how I feel and if she has really gotten on my nerves then I just dont go around her for a couple of weeks so I can blow off steam! You should make them come to your house and see her. then if she does something out of the way you can explain to her this is your house and you will do things your way. You dont have to be mean about it. I dont think the problem is going to get any better unless you tell her what is going on, If you find anything that works please let me know because im in the same boat!

Jennifer - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting Melany :



Quoting Jennifer:

You need to set boundaries not only for your children, but sometimes we need to set boundaries to our extended families as well. I find that if you treat everyone the same then no one can complain. There are also two books by John Bevere that helped me tremendously in dealing with delegated authority which is "Under Cover" and how to deal with someone who offends you and how not to offend others, "Bait of Satan". I used them with not only my family, but a supervisor at work and believe it or not...it worked! Prayer also helps.





Thank you for ur advice and ur right pray really helps i am a christian and if it wasnt for god i really think things woulda got bad along time ago.






I was thinking about this last night a little more. You need the support of your husband as well. The both of you need to be in agreement. I think the both of you should sit down with her alone with no children and discuss exactly how you feel. Of course, I wouldn't do it without asking for God's presence in the room. My prayers will also be with you.

Cheryl - posted on 11/13/2009

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No matter what you do in life for yourself, you have to stand up for your kids. You are their mother. Be their mother. If you want them, tell her to back up. If she doesn't, tell her that's the last time she will see her until she can begin to act like a grandmother instead of a self-centered, controlling person.

Sharon - posted on 11/13/2009

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1. you can't control what she does at her house, if she wants a room for the baby - fine. Right now you can't see that she will spend much time there but later that could change. My kids stay the weekend or for a week here & there at my moms.



2. tell her NO and stick to it. If she takes the baby away from you, take her back. Your daughter is not an item for tug of war and tell her that if she does that again, she won't get to see the baby.



3. Her jealousy. My mom is sort of jealous of any time my MIL gets to spend with the kids. For a whole crapload of reasons, none of them are really logical. I just ignore it. Occasionally when it comes up (snide remark) I just say she is the kids favorite but that my MIL is nice to them so they like her



4. stealing pics, buy a program that watermarks them. LOL if you really want to be a bitch, make your mothers name the watermark.



5. GROW A PAIR OF BALLS. Speak up for yourself and for your child. You are not a door mat. You are THE MOM.

[deleted account]

hi there abit hard there ur caught up in a sticky situtions there i would be honest with her or other wise she'll grow ur daughter up for u and u wont be able to grow her up ur own.have u spoke to ur husband about it if u have wat has he sed to do.basicaly i would be straight to her thats all u cn be.

[deleted account]

Quoting Melany :

My mother in law wants 2 be mom not grandma and wants 2 control wut we do

My mother in law is driving me crazy!!! The way she acts i swear she wants 2 be my daughters mother. I try and make sure that every week i take my daughter 2 see my parent and then my husbands fam, but it's not enough she complains that she wants 2 see her every day and then sed she would compromise for 2days a week one being without my husband and i around Like shes some kind of object or sumthin anyways i didnt allow it but the one day that we do go there she wont let me have anything 2 do with my daughter and if my daughter wants me she says no and takes her away Im scared 2 say or do anything around her cause it like walkin on egg shells if u don't do what she wants it's a big fight. Anyways i also feel like i am in comp with them if i do or get somthing for my daughter they have 2 out do me she trys doing all the first and stuff that should be what the parent does she even is now planin on making a room for her because i chose 2 do tinker bell when they wanted me 2 do princess . I dont see y she needs a room made for her there when shes not gonna be staying there her self very much only when i need her 2, her room is at our house. She also acts like she is the only grandparent and is jealous if i say anything about my family. I cant even post very many pics on my pages cause she steals them all even though she has alot of her own. OH and then when she does watch my daughter she doesnt even take care of her right. I wish i could just not be involverd with them but it's my husbands fam and they our her grandparents but sometime they just push me 2 far but im 2 nice 2 say anything anyways i guess wut im asking is what do i do and how do i make her realize she is the grandparent not the mother?


 

Deborah - posted on 11/13/2009

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I can't say anything new since everyone's covered it well. I just want to reinforce the suggestion that stopping her from having any input into your daughter's life, while harsh, may be the way to go. Seeing your daughter is what she wants and like a spoiled child she doesn't care while she gets what she wants.

Taking your daughter from you while she's calling for you is just so far over the boundaries i'm surprised you didn't snap then and there. She may be family but there is absolutely no way that's something anyone should be allowed to do.

Just be strong and very clear with her but don't get angry. Lay it out then walk away and wait for her to make the next move. If she wants to try play silly buggers then so be it, she's not essential to your life.

Good Luck

Jennifer - posted on 11/13/2009

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DONT EVER GIVE HER TO MUCH POWER,,,DID IT WIT MY SON CAUSE I WAS A SINGLE MOM...HES 14 NOW JUST GOT HER TO REALIZE I GAVE BIRTH,,LOL SHE NEANS WELL BUT DONT LET ANYONE HAVE YOU MISS THOSE MOST IMPORTANT YEARS.. JUST LET HER KNOW SHE CAN SHARE THEM TOO!!

Rose - posted on 11/13/2009

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have a quiet word with her, say that if this sort of behaviour continues your daughter will not be visiting her any more. she is your daughter and you have every right to say what she can and can not do. if you gets anger with you then tell her nicely we are leaving now when you calm down you can ring me then we'll continue with this conversation. good luck

Emma - posted on 11/13/2009

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She is your child get your mother in law told, I'm not being funny but if your child wants you then she wants you and your mother in law should never say no and take her away from you because of that, it's more than out of order. Plus grandparents have no rights over their grandchildren.

Corey - posted on 11/13/2009

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I am in the saaame exact boat! my fiances parents drive me crazy! they do all the same things, they keep clothes of my 5 month olds over their house, toys, and etc. and i dont know why because i pack those things in his bag when we do bring him over! they try to do everything first with him also and it really irritates me! they dont know any boundries either, including rudeness, like when i first got pregnant and they were happy, then 2 weeks before my due date they told me i needed to get a DNA test to make sure the baby was really my fiance, at the time still my boyfriends, child!! my fiance is an only child, and this is their first grandchild, and i know that all of their grandchildren will be our kids, and only our kids, but they are extremely pushy and dont know how to be grandparents rather then parents! I have tried numerous amounts of times to talk to them, but nothing has really changed to be honest! i really cant say anything other then talk to them and let them know your feelings, and i hope it works out better for you! good luck!

Patricia - posted on 11/13/2009

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now this is the best advice I have read so far because me being a grandma that is being treated like we are not even around I would never behave like your mil we have done nothing but give Love to her & my son & our grandson between showering everyone w/ gift'sbecause I have alway's wanted the best for my boy's & wanted to see their face's light up we have done so much for my son & his girl such as buying them a new blazer so the baby would be safe along w/ our son & his girl ,a house full of furniture because they wern't able to afford any yet & alway's being there both financially & any way they needed us to help them .I don't want to push the situation for both my son's sake & our grandson too .the mother has lied to my son on many occasion's and I have the proof to back it up but that isn't my intention to come between them ,I had that done 2 me w/ my husband's mom. I & my husband just want to see our grandson as much as she feel's her mom & mom's boyfriend has been able to ,my son get's threatened w/ her taking his son away as they aren't married ,so I understand but ,as Tammy said each grandparent should be treated fairly & respectfully & I have been talked to w/ absolutley no respect at all have been called the most hateful word's & have never once had a thank you for anything we have done or have gotten her or the baby ,my son has alway's been appriciative but that was how he was raised .so we just endure the babies mother's behaivor which is horrid but I hold my tongue because I feel bad for her as she wasn't raised w/ the same value's we raised our son ,but to use our grandson so manipulativly break's my heart. so of all the advice Tammy's really look's at all side's & is the most mature approach & I take my hat off to her for being such a respectful & mature & understanding women,you truly were raised w/ the value's that matter & your husband& mil.& your own family should be proud of you & how you handled your situation I wish all the new young mother's saw life as you did.Good Luck & I hope out of all of our helpful peice's of advice you can resolve this awful situation for everyone's sake,God Bless & take care of your precious cargo .

Patricia - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting Tammy:

First of all, you are all family. When you and your husband married his family became yours and your family became his. Family talks to one another. If you send hubby to talk to his mom; it will likely not work because she will likely feel like you don't like her. Even if you don't like her she is your family and you need to discuss this with her. It will probably be hard, and things may get emotional. It sounds as if you are very protective. I can understand that. But you admitted that you don't really like to leave your daughter with anyone but YOUR mom. I am sorry to tell you this, but I am certain that your MIL senses that and has already figured out that you feel this way. Honestly, how would you feel if you knew that your grandchildren were going to see your son in laws family more than yours? Think about it, put yourself in her shoes. People talk, and I am certain her feelings have been hurt and this is probably why she behaves the way she does. My ex MIL and I have actually been in knock down, drag outs. I am not proud of it, for I wasn't brought up that way. I truly loved her but didn't really trust her. She gave her 3 boys to her elderly parents to raise because she choose drugs and alcohol over her kids. When I had my oldest daughter, she would try to tell me how to raise her, she tried to control everything we did with her. It made me angry cause I felt like, she couldn't raise her own children what made her think she was going to get a second chance with mine. We eventually sat down and discussed things and it helped alot. Because of her old drug and alcohol habits I still didn't fully trust her to keep my daughter by herself until my daughter was old enough to use a phone and call for help and then only for short periods of time, but I did go out of my way to become friendlier with her and we would spend more time together. In the end, I think she wanted me to love her and be her friend as much as she wanted to spend time with my daughter. Remember, grandparents have rights to. You can't play favortism to your parents over his just because there your parents. They are all EQUALLY your childs grandparents. Playing favortism will eventually drive a wedge between you and your MIL, you and your husband, your husband and his family and your MIL and your mom. In the end your child will be the one to suffer. If you have real honest to goodness reasons to not trust your MIL then don't drop your child off but take her for visits as often as you do with your parents. Get to know your MIL better, get her to tell you stories of when she raised your husband, spend time with her one on one and try to understand her, where she is coming from, how she feels, and maybe you will find that she is more trustworthy than you think. Grandparents are suppose to spoil there grandchildren, that is the priviledge they earn upon being grandparents. If your qualm with her is that she is spoiling your child, then step back and rethink your feelings and your issues. My step son loves to go to his grandma's because he is spoiled rotten, my step daughter on the other hand hates grandma cause although she is spoiled, she isn't spoiled as equally as her brother, in her eyes. Yes, this makes me angry, but you can't make people treat people the way you want them too. I don't think grandma means to do it, I think she feels she spoils them equally just differently. Grandson gets to go hunting and fishing and for rides in the truck just to hang out. Grandson gets brand new shirts for gifts. Grand daughter on the other hand gets to hang out in sewing room learning to sew and gets to go with grandma to senior center for lunch, and they go shopping at second hand stores. Grand daughter gets old, used, antique dolls with the heads ripped off or the face battered. I believe grandma gets these things for her so she can teach her how to repair them. My step daughter thinks grandma just doesn't love her and it breaks her heart cause while her brother gets $20-$50 spent on him she only gets 50 cents to $5. spent on her. She doesn't understand grandma is looking at the value of the time they spend together working on things as worth much more than a lousy 20 bucks. As far as paternal grandma fixing up room, pitch in and help, it would be a perfect time for the two of you to get to know each other better. I strongly suggest you get to know your mother in law better. You may never see eye to eye on everything, very few people ever do, but you may start to understand and empathize with each other better. You have to do what's best for your child and unless your daughter is in danger then what is best is that she spend equal time with both sets of grandparents. Good luck and I hope you are able to make things work out. Pray about it.


 

Laura - posted on 11/13/2009

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If you can't stand her that much don't go over for a while and don't talk to her for a while. She will eventually come around and get the picture then when she calls and begs you to see her granddaughter tell you that she cannot see her unless she agrees with your terms. If she still doesn't want to comply then tell her that she cannot see your daughter and that's that until she is ready change her ways.

I kind of did this with my parents (mom and stepdad) when I was in college. We had a huge fight and my mom told me she never wanted to see me again. I knew she was speaking out of anger and it hurt me so I complied. I didn't see or talk to her for over a month and wouldn't call her when I was having trouble. She would call me and I would ignore her. I finally caved in and went to see her. She apologized to me for the way she had spoke to me that night and we have never been closer than we are now. I go to her for everything and she is the best grandmother to my daughter. In fact my daughter prefers her over me when she is around :(.

Its a hard thing to do but sometimes you just have to force them to see how they are acting and how it is effecting you and your family. Once they come around it makes the relationship so much better.

Kimberly - posted on 11/13/2009

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Hi Hon!



Take a deep breath and sit down and write out your thoughts. Be specific. Show them to your hubby and see if he had anything to add and them maybe have someone else who is ojective take a look. Then have them over to your place and talk to them use your paper, your notes if you need to.



I am terrible about confronting people, I write lettters, It helps me stay on point and get what I need to say and stay on task. I tend to get a little side tracked especially if I'm upset. She can't steer you off topic either if you have the points in front of you.



Have it on your turf, it gives you the upper hand and you'll feel more comfortable.



You need to also give her a chance to speak and LISTEN to her, Maybe she has some good points, maybe something is upsetting her as well. Give her a chance to address what you are saying but only after your done saying them.



I'm sorry you are going through this. Take care of your little sweety, oure her mother and if you sense something isn't right, it probably isn't, go with how you feel. I went through something like this with my parents, sometimes you have to make a break.

Hang in there! Hope I helped a little!

Kim

Patricia - posted on 11/13/2009

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let me just say I am sorry that that is going on , because your daughter should never be put in such a situation that she has been put in?I on the other hand have a slightly differant but simular problem,my son's girl won't let me & my husband see our grandson at all she has alway's been jealous of my son's relationship w/ his family due in part to her own lack of closeness w/ her's. she wasn't raised w/ the same value's that my son was.Her parent's were both in jail & on drug's & involved in that lifestyle most of her life when she was young & at 21 now she think's she can't learn anything from me or my husband & our experience w/ raising our own children.Especially where our grandson is concerned ,I consider your husband's mom very lucky that she can see her grand daughter even once a week !! I haven't seen mine since may & they live 12 min's from us.I & my husband are both disabled my husband has had surgury the past yr & need's to be able to lie down often thruout the day& I have a problem w/ allergie's to any sort of perfume's or anytype of fragrenced smell's I get debilitating migraine's so I too need to stay close to home in our house free from fragrence's but my son's girl won't allow him to bring my grandson over ,she get's very insecure about her mothering around me even though I never judge her? .I first met her & have cared about her as if she was my own daughter but I feel horrible for my son as he is already under alot of strain w/ her and her behaivor we both think she has a either Bi-polar problem or some sort of problem of that sort.it's terrible & kill's me to see the innocent one's [the children] being used in any sort of manipulative way by either party, it is a shame.I agree that your mom- in law need's to learn she is grandma not momma.my advice would be to just show your daughter that you love her & she will alway's understand the difference between mom & grandma ,& for the sake of your husband do not bring yourself down to her level by being as petty as she has been.I know the green eyed monster will try & rear his head but it will only in the long run hurt your relationship w/ your husband & daughter. your husband doesn't need the added stress of you & his mom fighting over your's & his child & your baby doesn't know anything other than this is grandma & why does mommy not like her? they respond to unconditional Love & Patience as she grow's older she will feel the strain between you 2 ,which isn't healthy so .just try & let grandma know privately not in front of your baby, of course she can see her grandchild w/ out you or your husband but that not letting her come to you when she want's is hurtful to you & that grandparent's are there to help & spoil & above all Love their grandchildren but not to take the place of the parent's but be a special addition to your child's Life. I hope my advice gave you some help w/ what is happening this should be a blessed time not a time for jealous & combative way's,God Bless I will keep you in my prayer's & try not to let her control the situation w/ her behaivor you be the adult even though you might want to scream ,your baby will alway's Love you you are her mom & your husband her Daddy.warmly signed a Grandma that wish's she could see her grandchild even half as much as your child see's her's .

Marnie - posted on 11/12/2009

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Well first off I'd like to say that your little one is beautiful!!! I understand that your situation is anything but pleasent but to maybe take some tension out try looking on the positive side. Your daughter seems to have two sets of very loving granparents that are close enough to play a role in her life, you (although I am sure you don't feel it now) are very lucky to have this. I am from Canada but am living in Africa now with my husband. My family is a million miles away, my husbands mother passed away when he was little and although he has a fantastic Step Mother whom I love to bits they are not that involved in my daughters life.



In saying that I also think you must get this situation sorted out for your daughters sake if not your own. Something like this will fester untill you can not handle seeing them at all. Then any relationship you once had will be ruined. This, although your husband stands with you, will put unneccesary pressure on your marriage, not to mention your daughter growing up without a relationship with her Grandparents.



The thing I am realizing as a new mother is motherhood makes me very sensitive. I take alot of things personally or as judgements against my ability to be a mother. Any unwanted suggestions are taken to heart. If you are the same then I can imagine having an overbearing MIL is very painfull. I agree with talking to her one on one or maybe it's easier for you if you and your husband do it together. Try to keep calm and maybe let her now that you appreciate that she wants to be a part of your daughters life and you can see how much she loves her but...from what you have said it seems to me she may be suffering from empty nest syndrome. Depending on her age it could also be hormones??? Whatever it is the important thing is to get your message across, explain you don't want your relationship to be ruined and that is what is going to happen if it carries on like this.



All the best, I hope it all works out for all of you. Try to stay positive and keep us posted.

Vanessa - posted on 11/12/2009

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Melany, ultimately the decision is yours! You know what being in your family feels like we can only speculate... I feel that you do need to set bounderies with everyone. All parties involved need to know that you are your daughters mom and they can help if they would like. In this case you need to speak with your MIL at least once. Let her know that you love her suggestions and you are taking them into consideration. When she takes your daughter away from you, you politely take her back. Take baby steps to gaining the respect that you deserve and you will get it. BE STRONG not disrespectful. That is the key!

Melany - posted on 11/12/2009

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Quoting Tammy:

First of all, you are all family. When you and your husband married his family became yours and your family became his. Family talks to one another. If you send hubby to talk to his mom; it will likely not work because she will likely feel like you don't like her. Even if you don't like her she is your family and you need to discuss this with her. It will probably be hard, and things may get emotional. It sounds as if you are very protective. I can understand that. But you admitted that you don't really like to leave your daughter with anyone but YOUR mom. I am sorry to tell you this, but I am certain that your MIL senses that and has already figured out that you feel this way. Honestly, how would you feel if you knew that your grandchildren were going to see your son in laws family more than yours? Think about it, put yourself in her shoes. People talk, and I am certain her feelings have been hurt and this is probably why she behaves the way she does. My ex MIL and I have actually been in knock down, drag outs. I am not proud of it, for I wasn't brought up that way. I truly loved her but didn't really trust her. She gave her 3 boys to her elderly parents to raise because she choose drugs and alcohol over her kids. When I had my oldest daughter, she would try to tell me how to raise her, she tried to control everything we did with her. It made me angry cause I felt like, she couldn't raise her own children what made her think she was going to get a second chance with mine. We eventually sat down and discussed things and it helped alot. Because of her old drug and alcohol habits I still didn't fully trust her to keep my daughter by herself until my daughter was old enough to use a phone and call for help and then only for short periods of time, but I did go out of my way to become friendlier with her and we would spend more time together. In the end, I think she wanted me to love her and be her friend as much as she wanted to spend time with my daughter. Remember, grandparents have rights to. You can't play favortism to your parents over his just because there your parents. They are all EQUALLY your childs grandparents. Playing favortism will eventually drive a wedge between you and your MIL, you and your husband, your husband and his family and your MIL and your mom. In the end your child will be the one to suffer. If you have real honest to goodness reasons to not trust your MIL then don't drop your child off but take her for visits as often as you do with your parents. Get to know your MIL better, get her to tell you stories of when she raised your husband, spend time with her one on one and try to understand her, where she is coming from, how she feels, and maybe you will find that she is more trustworthy than you think. Grandparents are suppose to spoil there grandchildren, that is the priviledge they earn upon being grandparents. If your qualm with her is that she is spoiling your child, then step back and rethink your feelings and your issues. My step son loves to go to his grandma's because he is spoiled rotten, my step daughter on the other hand hates grandma cause although she is spoiled, she isn't spoiled as equally as her brother, in her eyes. Yes, this makes me angry, but you can't make people treat people the way you want them too. I don't think grandma means to do it, I think she feels she spoils them equally just differently. Grandson gets to go hunting and fishing and for rides in the truck just to hang out. Grandson gets brand new shirts for gifts. Grand daughter on the other hand gets to hang out in sewing room learning to sew and gets to go with grandma to senior center for lunch, and they go shopping at second hand stores. Grand daughter gets old, used, antique dolls with the heads ripped off or the face battered. I believe grandma gets these things for her so she can teach her how to repair them. My step daughter thinks grandma just doesn't love her and it breaks her heart cause while her brother gets $20-$50 spent on him she only gets 50 cents to $5. spent on her. She doesn't understand grandma is looking at the value of the time they spend together working on things as worth much more than a lousy 20 bucks. As far as paternal grandma fixing up room, pitch in and help, it would be a perfect time for the two of you to get to know each other better. I strongly suggest you get to know your mother in law better. You may never see eye to eye on everything, very few people ever do, but you may start to understand and empathize with each other better. You have to do what's best for your child and unless your daughter is in danger then what is best is that she spend equal time with both sets of grandparents. Good luck and I hope you are able to make things work out. Pray about it.





I think you may have missunderstood where i am coming from. I am very fair when it come 2 my mother inlaw seeing her we go over there once a week same as with my family and they alternate turns watching her the only reason i said i prefer my mother is because of the way my mother in law is acting. It's not just spoiling that is going on she just does the stuff 2 go against us or out do us (MY husband is feeling the same way). I have known my mother in law since i was 10 years old and she used 2 be my favorite person in the world but then after i married her son she changed i try getting alonge with her but everything i do is never good enough . I wish i realtionship was like before but no matter how hard i try she does something else. As far as the room goes as i sed the only reason she is doing is it is 2 make hers better then my and i am not being unreasonable when i say this many people have saw how she is being and they feel it is wrong like i sed before she wants 2 be mom. I understand u do not kno what all has been goin on due to that fact u have not saw and i only sed a bit of it . but thank you for your adice 


 

Samantha - posted on 11/12/2009

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that's ok but yes i know what you mean with having to one day say something to her & i have sad things where i go..ok you think she will stop crying when i'm gone ok & turned on my heel & took of, just went outside but made it clear that she was rude with what she said & she called me back in after 5 min's. i think if she would still be the way she was i would have said something aswell but in my opinion it wouldn't have gone down well... ;) i get a bit emotional when she rips phoebe out of my arms & storms off with her or just brushes me aside when she starts crying...but most of that is gone now thank god.
lots of luck & all the power to you ;) melany

Samantha - posted on 11/12/2009

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i understand what you mean tammy but if i would have for example done that & spoken to her (my partners mum)repeatedly about how she is behaving, which i at one stage did & she just pretended the next day i had not, i think it would have turned into an ugly situation. i really do know what you mean but some people are just dense& they think if they just keep on going they way have been they will get through & win. in my situation i told my partner & he said he had actually spoke with her that evening & had to repeat what he had said after she ripped my girl out of my hands at one visit. honestly it took a good 6 months of repeating what was going on & how she was upsetting us. where the first time i said something to his mum it was just brushed away as hormones, when her son said the same thing she listened. there have been situations where there have been misunderstandings between my partner & my parents & thank god he didn't say anything to them but told me & i worked it out with them...
;) sam

Chloe - posted on 11/12/2009

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hey i now what you mean and now we dont see them at all not even my hubby too see he mum and dad there tryed to take over every thing, last time i seen my in laws was on my son naming day and that was so long ago and there tryed taking over my son naming day there did like out we wanted it.
i only get on with my hubby grandparents there see us every 2 months for the weekend and that fine with me if there here to long there try taking over .

Samantha - posted on 11/12/2009

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hell no!!!! don't let her have her own birthday party for YOUR daughter without HER parents there!!! if she really wanted a girl then she should have had one or another one ... she is the GRANDMOTHER & therefore has no say whatsoever...advise yes, say no!!! don't let her push you down...
i know how you feel cause my daughters first birthday is coming up too but we're gonna probably have it on two separate days first cause my mum is working on her birthday & second they(meaning the grandparents) then can "indulge" in having her for themselves - at our place with us there, but they might you know get irritated that they have to share(she is the first grandchild for both) & that way it's easier & more relaxed for my daughter as well... i'm so sorry you going through all of this! but like before you are not alone!!!
big hug
sam

Tammy - posted on 11/12/2009

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First of all, you are all family. When you and your husband married his family became yours and your family became his. Family talks to one another. If you send hubby to talk to his mom; it will likely not work because she will likely feel like you don't like her. Even if you don't like her she is your family and you need to discuss this with her. It will probably be hard, and things may get emotional. It sounds as if you are very protective. I can understand that. But you admitted that you don't really like to leave your daughter with anyone but YOUR mom. I am sorry to tell you this, but I am certain that your MIL senses that and has already figured out that you feel this way. Honestly, how would you feel if you knew that your grandchildren were going to see your son in laws family more than yours? Think about it, put yourself in her shoes. People talk, and I am certain her feelings have been hurt and this is probably why she behaves the way she does. My ex MIL and I have actually been in knock down, drag outs. I am not proud of it, for I wasn't brought up that way. I truly loved her but didn't really trust her. She gave her 3 boys to her elderly parents to raise because she choose drugs and alcohol over her kids. When I had my oldest daughter, she would try to tell me how to raise her, she tried to control everything we did with her. It made me angry cause I felt like, she couldn't raise her own children what made her think she was going to get a second chance with mine. We eventually sat down and discussed things and it helped alot. Because of her old drug and alcohol habits I still didn't fully trust her to keep my daughter by herself until my daughter was old enough to use a phone and call for help and then only for short periods of time, but I did go out of my way to become friendlier with her and we would spend more time together. In the end, I think she wanted me to love her and be her friend as much as she wanted to spend time with my daughter. Remember, grandparents have rights to. You can't play favortism to your parents over his just because there your parents. They are all EQUALLY your childs grandparents. Playing favortism will eventually drive a wedge between you and your MIL, you and your husband, your husband and his family and your MIL and your mom. In the end your child will be the one to suffer. If you have real honest to goodness reasons to not trust your MIL then don't drop your child off but take her for visits as often as you do with your parents. Get to know your MIL better, get her to tell you stories of when she raised your husband, spend time with her one on one and try to understand her, where she is coming from, how she feels, and maybe you will find that she is more trustworthy than you think. Grandparents are suppose to spoil there grandchildren, that is the priviledge they earn upon being grandparents. If your qualm with her is that she is spoiling your child, then step back and rethink your feelings and your issues. My step son loves to go to his grandma's because he is spoiled rotten, my step daughter on the other hand hates grandma cause although she is spoiled, she isn't spoiled as equally as her brother, in her eyes. Yes, this makes me angry, but you can't make people treat people the way you want them too. I don't think grandma means to do it, I think she feels she spoils them equally just differently. Grandson gets to go hunting and fishing and for rides in the truck just to hang out. Grandson gets brand new shirts for gifts. Grand daughter on the other hand gets to hang out in sewing room learning to sew and gets to go with grandma to senior center for lunch, and they go shopping at second hand stores. Grand daughter gets old, used, antique dolls with the heads ripped off or the face battered. I believe grandma gets these things for her so she can teach her how to repair them. My step daughter thinks grandma just doesn't love her and it breaks her heart cause while her brother gets $20-$50 spent on him she only gets 50 cents to $5. spent on her. She doesn't understand grandma is looking at the value of the time they spend together working on things as worth much more than a lousy 20 bucks. As far as paternal grandma fixing up room, pitch in and help, it would be a perfect time for the two of you to get to know each other better. I strongly suggest you get to know your mother in law better. You may never see eye to eye on everything, very few people ever do, but you may start to understand and empathize with each other better. You have to do what's best for your child and unless your daughter is in danger then what is best is that she spend equal time with both sets of grandparents. Good luck and I hope you are able to make things work out. Pray about it.

Beth - posted on 11/12/2009

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My mother-in-law was the same way.. and because she didn't abide by my rules for my child, she missed out on the first year of her Grand Child's life.. You need to tell her where you stand and what you will tolerate with the care of YOUR child.

Melany - posted on 11/12/2009

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Quoting Melany :



Quoting Samantha:

well i've been there!!! & have to say it's very touchy to say something to your mother in law. attempted that too & it didn't end well & the next day she pretended like i didn't even confront her about anything. so in my experience you gonna have to have a talk with your partner about it. they are his parents & he as to tell them to back the f. off or there is gonna be a family fight. back when she was going crazy i used to tell my partner that if she doesn't stop i'm gonna turn into a bitch ( which honestly i could never be cause like you i'm too nice to say anything) & will call a family fight & then she will not be allowed to hold her anymore & eventually i'm gonna have my way & she is not going to see my daughter anymore...well that worked like a charm everytime & he kept on reminding her that if she doesn't back off it's gonna end badly...she even used to call & ask me how her girl was going....HER girl...gosh it used to drive me mad...really in my opinion & experience they are his parents therefor he should be able to handle them & advise them of how you feel & that it's not wanted!
big hug & lots of luck! you are not alone!
sam





Yeah i have the same prob with the her girl her baby thing just a few days ago on face book she posted MY BABY is gonna be one in 6 days i got so mad so my husband posted back 2 her U mean my baby UR GRANd CHILD  she came from my seed i don't think u wanna claim that and she posted back no i don't but shes  MY BABY. My husband is on my side but It doesnt matter if it comes outta of his mouth cause he has sed some things she still blames me for it. My husband tells me i need 2 jus have 2 tell her off cause htats all that gets through 2 her i don't really want 2 but i think sometimes it just might come 2 that and even though i prob wouldnt threating her not 2 see jazz and thank you very much for ur advice sam!





 

Melany - posted on 11/12/2009

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Quoting Samantha:

well i've been there!!! & have to say it's very touchy to say something to your mother in law. attempted that too & it didn't end well & the next day she pretended like i didn't even confront her about anything. so in my experience you gonna have to have a talk with your partner about it. they are his parents & he as to tell them to back the f. off or there is gonna be a family fight. back when she was going crazy i used to tell my partner that if she doesn't stop i'm gonna turn into a bitch ( which honestly i could never be cause like you i'm too nice to say anything) & will call a family fight & then she will not be allowed to hold her anymore & eventually i'm gonna have my way & she is not going to see my daughter anymore...well that worked like a charm everytime & he kept on reminding her that if she doesn't back off it's gonna end badly...she even used to call & ask me how her girl was going....HER girl...gosh it used to drive me mad...really in my opinion & experience they are his parents therefor he should be able to handle them & advise them of how you feel & that it's not wanted!
big hug & lots of luck! you are not alone!
sam


Yeah i have the same prob with the her girl her baby thing just a few days ago on face book she posted MY BABY is gonna be one in 6 days i got so mad so my husband posted back 2 her U mean my baby UR GRANd CHILD  she came from my seed i don't think u wanna claim that and she posted back no i don't but shes  MY BABY. My husband is on my side but It doesnt matter if it comes outta of his mouth cause he has sed some things she still blames me for it. My husband tells me i need 2 jus have 2 tell her off cause htats all that gets through 2 her i don't really want 2 but i think sometimes it just might come 2 that and even though i prob wouldnt threating her not 2 see jazz

Courtney - posted on 11/12/2009

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Look here girl.. you are the one who conceived, carried, and birthed that baby! She is YOUR baby - Not your mother in laws. There comes a line between whether you are being an over protective grandma, caring in all her ways, but too over zealous and not knowing what she's doing and meaning no harm AND someone who is disrespecting you, your authority, your rights as a parent, etc. At no point should anyone step in between yourself and your daughter and say NO.. DONT GO TO MOMMY and yank her up. At that point, you should've politely taken your daughter from her arms and said politely, "excuse me, but when my daughter needs me or I call for her, whatever the situation, its not acceptable that anyone should interfere with that, much less tell her NOT to go to her mother. I'm her mother. Thats what I'm for."

Establish boundries for her before this continues and potentially even destroys the relationship b/w yourself and the childs father. The thing is, either she'll respect your wishes, understand and stop her negative behaviour after a nice sit down b/w the both of you and a nice conversation, perhaps even apology on her end.. OR.. she'll not, and she'll have to be made known the consequences. E.I., there will be no unsupervised visitations right down to there not being any visitation at all. I mean, she can pick and choose for herself. And if your husband truly married you and not his momma during sometime in which you didn't know or something... HE will back you up in your decisions after he also has a sit down with his mother.

You are the parent. There is no need to be coy or lay down like a mat. You get up and handle business about your child like you are a momma lion protecting her cub. !!ROAR!! lol.

Sheridan - posted on 11/12/2009

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I deffinately know what your talking about. When I had my son in 2007 my partner and I were living with his parents. I felt like an outsider. My mother in law got that bad I started believing all the nigative things she said about me. She feed my son solid food at 2 months old and he got constipated. We moved out the first chance we got. At the age of 2 1/2 I still worry abou tleaving him alone with the mother in law. She lets my son do everything we have told her not to let him. Its hard. How do you discipline a child at home for doing something wrong when the in law lets him do it at her house.

Melany - posted on 11/12/2009

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THank you all for ur advice! Another thing i wanna ask is well my daughters first birthday is coming up and im having a party and all for her (which my mother in law is going 2) but my mother in law want 2 take her and have her own party without my husband i there should i allow that?

Samantha - posted on 11/12/2009

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well i've been there!!! & have to say it's very touchy to say something to your mother in law. attempted that too & it didn't end well & the next day she pretended like i didn't even confront her about anything. so in my experience you gonna have to have a talk with your partner about it. they are his parents & he as to tell them to back the f. off or there is gonna be a family fight. back when she was going crazy i used to tell my partner that if she doesn't stop i'm gonna turn into a bitch ( which honestly i could never be cause like you i'm too nice to say anything) & will call a family fight & then she will not be allowed to hold her anymore & eventually i'm gonna have my way & she is not going to see my daughter anymore...well that worked like a charm everytime & he kept on reminding her that if she doesn't back off it's gonna end badly...she even used to call & ask me how her girl was going....HER girl...gosh it used to drive me mad...really in my opinion & experience they are his parents therefor he should be able to handle them & advise them of how you feel & that it's not wanted!
big hug & lots of luck! you are not alone!
sam

Melany - posted on 11/12/2009

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Quoting Jennifer:

You need to set boundaries not only for your children, but sometimes we need to set boundaries to our extended families as well. I find that if you treat everyone the same then no one can complain. There are also two books by John Bevere that helped me tremendously in dealing with delegated authority which is "Under Cover" and how to deal with someone who offends you and how not to offend others, "Bait of Satan". I used them with not only my family, but a supervisor at work and believe it or not...it worked! Prayer also helps.


Thank you for ur advice and ur right pray really helps i am a christian and if it wasnt for god i really think things woulda got bad along time ago.



 

Emily - posted on 11/12/2009

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I agree with the above posts. You do have to do something, and your husband should be the one to try talking to his mum first. Trust me, its not easy, but its necessary. Me and my hubby went through something similar with his mum just before I got pregnant. They ended up not speaking for a little while before things were resolved. Sometimes you just have to give a reality check. I might sound callous here but hubby and I both hate confrontation, especially with family, and it was hard on us. But, in the end we managed to resolve the issue and I really hope you guys do too. It just takes persistence and sticking to your guns and communication.

So just hang in there! It might get rough, there might be less time with that gramma for a little bit, but in the end it will be best for all of you.

Best of luck!

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