My oldest daughter is now 13, I don't want to assume anything, and from what I can tell right now she hasn't done anything; so how do I protect her from having sex too soon?

Tracey - posted on 11/15/2008

i have a 16 year old and have found that if you are open with them and don't tell them they can't have sex , they may be open with you. I have been lucky I found out she was having sex but she had already gone to the doctors and got the implant done. I felt sad that she couldn't talk to me about it, but we talk about things now and warn her about safe sex and using condoms,

Kerry - posted on 11/15/2008

I have an almost 15 year old daughter who I have talked about sex with on a fairly regular basis. I started this for the time she became interested in boys and stepped it up when she got a serious boyfriend. I stressed with her that sex is a wonderful thing but is it meant to be with someone you plan to spend the rest of your life with. She plans to remain a virgin until she is married. I told her that I agree with that plan and hope and pray it works out that way but sometimes it doesn't. I let her know that if it looks like sex is something she is going to participate in then she needs to let me know so that I can help protect her from stds and pregnancy. I have a good relationship with her anyway and I think that helps greatly in being able to talk with her. I have always answered her questions honestly but made them age appropriate answers from the time she was old enough to ask anything. I also told her and her almost 14 year old brother what the consequences of a pregnancy outside of marriage would be in our household.... they would be completely responsible for the child and the only help monitarily from me would possibly be for child care so they could continue their education and be able to work to support the child as well. I did let them know as well though that they would always have a home with me if they needed it regardless of the age they are. I think the best thing like has been said here is talk..... don't preach at her but talk to her and let her talk to you.

One of the other things that has helped my two stay away from sex is the fact that two girls (aged 13 and 14) from their school last year were pregnant while in school. It was a wake up call to me to really get talking about what is and isn't a good idea!

Amy - posted on 11/14/2008

I have a 12 year old, and right now I could bet you that she will wait. I am not super-confident that she will wait until she gets married (though that would be my hope), but I feel comfortable that she will wait until she is an adult in a loving relationship. However, she is only 12, so all my good intentions are only theory, so I'll let you know in 10 years if I was right!

Here's what I think I am doing right:

a) I have let her know that I expect this of her. Just as I have let her know that drinking and drug use are unacceptable, I have let her know that teenage sex is unacceptable as well. It is amazing that not all parents- mine included- make this clear.

b) I have kept my kids from seeing too many sexual images on TV and such. I think the media sexualizes kids too soon. However, I am not too extreme about this- I don't want my kids to feel like they are too sheltered.

c) I have clearly communicated to my daughter the consquences of teen sex- not just pregnancy and disease, but heart break and ruined reputations.

d) I have let her know that I think that God's plan for sex as a part of marriage makes sense. Just think of all the problems facing our world today if everyone obeyed the law of chastity. Fewer children would be born into situations where parents were not prepared to take care of them (which would help end poverty) STDs would be gone, and the heartache of giving yourself to someone who didn't really care would not happen. Not only is chastity a commandment, it is also a good idea.

e) I have kept an open and honest line of communication between us. I have told her that I fully expect that she will loose her mind over a boy she loves someday, and I want her to make the decision now to wait for marriage so that she doesn't have to make important decisions in the heat of the moment- she will only have to remind herself of her previous decision.

f) I always know where she is and who she is with. She does go to a friend's house unless there are parents there, and I know them and that they will supervise appropriately. When she has friends over, boys are not allowed in the bedrooms and doors must always remain open.

g) She will not date until she is 16, and then it must be double or group dates until 18. She may not date any boy more than twice in a row or more than twice in the same month before she is 18, the theory being that between the ages of 16 and 18 dating should be strictly casual, for learning about what one likes in a potential mate and not for seeking a potential mate. After 18 more serious relationships are okay, but I have told her I will not pay for a wedding until she has her bachelor's degree and so does her fiance.

I know this all sound like I am the strictest mom ever, but I really am not. I just am very serious about keeping my daughters from having sex before marriage. I do plan on telling them about contraception when they are older (my daughter knows a little, and I have told her that I would want her to use contraception if she were going to have sex- if you are going to make a stupid mistake, don't bring a baby into it, I have told her), but for now I think that the most important thing is that I let my girls know that no matter what the world says, they should choose what is right. The world might say that saving yourself for marriage is unrealistic, but I say it is romantic and ideal, and who wouldn't want romantic and ideal, especially as it relates to love, marriage, and sex?

Good luck and God bless.

Shari - posted on 11/14/2008

Set an example and talk talk talk and then tell her that you will be checking up on her when she's least expecting it and make her go through that class where you have a baby that you have to care for that worked for a young lady that was going to the high school in our town shes not sure she ever wants to have children now!!!!!

Suzy - posted on 10/28/2008

Well I don't have any teenagers yet, but my mom gave me a sex talk almost every day from 13-18 and it didn't stop me. I'm not kidding either. Almost every day in front of friends and everything. At some point I just stopped listening. I think it's important to talk to your kids and make them especially aware of the dangers, but also let them know your feelings and any religious beliefs about it. Don't harrass them though. If they're not having sex, it will only embarass and annoy them. If they are having sex, it will only make them uncomfortable talking to you about it. I agree with keeping them busy. Make sure there are always RESPONSIBLE parents around or make sure when they go out with friends, it's a group thing.

Meghan - posted on 10/28/2008

Well Candace... coming from a girl who started having sex at age 12 all I can say is try to keep her busy give her positive things to do such as sports or other extra curricular activities. Also know her friends they are the biggest influences on her right now, know were she is and who she is with. Dont let her get away with the small things because then she will take an inch and make it a mile. Be there for her and talk to her tell her she can talk to you about anything and most of all trust her. If she does something to take away your trust let her know its not alright but one mistake doesnt always mean the worst. Talk to her about sex let her know the consequences like STDs and pregnancy, but also let her know she can always talk to you about these things. Its good your not assuming because that gets you no where... also tell her is she is having sex you need to know and teach her about protection like birth control and condoms but also put in that this is not a reason or an excuse for her to have sex explain it is something to be cherished and not thrown to anyone. ~meghan