my son has just turned 15 hes going to a friends party and has asked if he can take some beers he said everyone is taking some and he will look silly if he turns up with nothing HELP

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Shawnn - posted on 02/01/2013

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Are you in the US, or elsewhere?

If you're in the US, you shouldn't even be asking for opinions on this. You should be telling your (well) underaged son that you will not condone the illegal use of alcohol, and if "everyone else" is doing it, he needs to be the individual who practices responsibility. PERIOD. NO EXCEPTIONS.

If you're elsewhere, then what's the legal age where you are? If it's 14 or 15, then it's entirely up to you whether you wish him to be involved.

I live in the US. I was raised with the German traditions and heritage, which meant that I was introduced to alcohol at a young age. When raising my sons, I have given them exposure to alcohol as well. IN MY HOME. UNDER MY SUPERVISION. When my eldest was 16, he did an exchange program with a German student, and he was legal age to drink in Germany. He did drink, and he did so responsibly. Since he's come back, he has not had any alcohol, except for when he and I share a beer over the holidays. Again, IN MY HOME. He has never, nor would he ever ask to attend a drinking party in the US, because he knows that it's against the law.

Now, I'm sure I WILL get this question from my somewhat less than common sense blessed younger son, who is just now 15, and in that case, my answer will be "NO, NOT ONLY NO BUT HELL NO!!!!" And then I'll proceed to find out where the party is being held, and most likely call the LEO's in on the stupid parents allowing the party to commence.

So, since he'll look "silly if he turns up with nothing"...tell him that he won't look silly at all, because he won't be turning up!

Liz - posted on 02/01/2013

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If it were my daughter, I'd talk with her rationally and explain why, as a responsible parent, there is no way that I can let her go to that party but that it is not a punishment. I'd also let her know that I was proud of her for coming to talk to me about it instead of sneaking to it or deceiving me in some way in order to be able to go. I'd emphasise how good it is that she chose the right course of action but that to continue the right course of action means not going. I'd also encourage her to choose some fun thing for us to do as a family as a treat.

It's possible to do what we need to (which is to say NO) but yet do so in a supportive and non-confrontational manner. I mean, if we were to just yell at our kids, 'You're not going to that party and that's the end of it!' we'd get attitude and trouble back, unsurprisingly.

It does of course depend to a certain extent on how inclined your son is to have meaningful discussions with you. You say you're close to each other, so hopefully that'll be an option for you!

Dove - posted on 02/01/2013

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And I realize how harsh and 'reactionary' my above comment is, but that is because of the relationship I already have with my children regarding this subject and their knowledge and (current) feelings about it as well.

Dove - posted on 02/01/2013

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If my 15 year old had the balls to ask me something that ridiculous.... they wouldn't be going to any party for at least 6 months.

Jodi - posted on 01/31/2013

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Don't you verify information about where he is going at night? He's 15. he shouldn't have free reign on where he is at night without having had communication with the other parents anyway.

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Davey - posted on 09/24/2013

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Get the beers for him, you don't know the lengths a teenage boy will go to in order to get beer for a party (where there's going to be girls) trust me I was there a few years ago. If you get them for him then you know what he is drinking rather than him going around doing shots of all sorts of other peoples spirits or waiting outside a dodgy shop for someone to go in and buy for him. He's 15 so he will probably be happy with about 4 beers that way he isn't too drunk but can enjoy his night fairly responsibly. We were all 15 once and at that age getting drunk is pretty much the best thing of the week.

Sal - posted on 02/02/2013

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Also pretty much by allowing him to go to the party where he has already told you there will be drinking and where he has already let you know he wants drink and Indeed intends to drink.. you have to accept that he might drink and just make sure you don't scare him into risky behaviour to avoid you finding out..if you don't want him drinking at a party don't let him go. He's only 15 it's your right to stop him

Sal - posted on 02/02/2013

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It is a hard place for A mum to be, the rule I feel is that no I will not provide alcohol , my hubby is a cop and the repocussions are just not worth it, in aus there is a big fine for providing and the. Butt kicking he'd get from his boss...
But having said that a friend told me that she always sent her son (she was a mum to 5 and he was the 4th so she had bit of experience) to a party with a few beers... The reason being that she wanted him to know that she knows he's drinking so he won't be scared to call if he needs help, if he was having a sneakyi drink he. Might need help and be too afraid to ask for it,
Clearly I can't do that but I don't want my son worried to ask me for help so I told him " I expect that he will have a drink, but I won't buy it, also that if he thinks he's responsible enough to drink he is responsible enough to not over do it. And that by getting someone else to buy it he is asking them for $5000 so is it really worth it...I know he sometimes has a drink but I've never had an issue..

Tasanee - posted on 02/01/2013

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Just ask yourself this: how would you really truly feel if you sent him out the door to a party with beer? Really. Would you feel good about it? I think you know the answer. No regrets, right? Well then I think it'd be a lot easier to do the right thing rather than the "cool" thing.

Shawnn - posted on 02/01/2013

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Or, to put it short and sweet...I agree with Dove's first post!

Joanne - posted on 01/31/2013

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thanks thats what i was going to do, but im hoping its going to be cancelled anyway, my only issue is that he told me about this he hasnt asked me to buy beers for him, but he didnt have to tell me he could have just gone and i dont want him to feel he cant tell me things as we are close, apparently this party is going on at a friends house and the parents are going to be out until 11 pm so they will have the house to themselves for 3 and a half hours, oh god i hate this age but i myself was drinking at this age

Liz - posted on 01/31/2013

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Unfortunately peer pressure is one of the factors responsible for underage drinking. Also, unfortunately, any responsible parental reaction is going to be unpopular with your son. In my opinion, this would be one of those times when the parent has to suck up the fact that they have to be tough.

For your son to be drinking at 15 is illegal. The fact that 'everyone is taking some' to this party indicates that there is either going to be no parental supervision at all or only supervision by adults who don't actually care to supervise in the true sense of the word. A party of unsupervised teenagers with beer? That's a recipe for disaster if I ever heard one.

I wouldn't be popular if I had to go through this with my daughter, but she wouldn't be going to that party. Sadly there will be some social consequences for your son if you bar him from attending and he gives that reason. I'd have a talk with him, explain why underage drinking is not to be taken lightly and why he shouldn't (in my opinion) be going to such a party. There is plenty of time ahead in his future to drink responsibly and socially when it's legal for him to do so and when he isn't as likely to end up with a blot on his criminal record.

Jodi - posted on 01/31/2013

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Um, NO!!! At 15, I'd be questioning who is supervising this party!! Honestly, any parent who is allowing parties with 15 year olds bringing beer is breaking the law, and it is highly inappropriate. My son would not even be going (he is 15). I think you will find that the parents aren't going to be home and there is no adult supervision. Do you want your child anywhere near an environment where 15 year olds have no supervision and are drinking alcohol? If you are not convinced, google the effects of alcohol on adolescent brains......

Not to mention you'd be breaking the law if you bought alcohol for him.

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