My son passed away from SIDS.

Angela - posted on 01/10/2010

I am so sorry for your loss! I lost my brother in 2002, and it is just getting easier. I still think about him everyday, and now that I have 2 children, I want them to 'know' him, and the character that he was. I keep his skateboard up on my mantel and picures on my bookcase. When we look at family photos I show my oldest (2) and tell him about him. It helps me to not forget the little things. Sometimes I remember things that I totally and completly forgot about. I can't go to the cemetary and haven't been in 5 years. Before my mom passed away she would go almost everyday and just visit with him. My older siser actually goes and eats lunch there once a month. And my other sister takes her girls to play like a park. We even have a bench there.
Maybe you could do something like that on a regular basis so you feel closer to him.

There is no need to feel like you are letting your younger son down when you spend a day in mourning. Sometimes you need to let yourself feel your feelings and that is ok. As long as his needs are being met. And it is also ok to be 100% into your baby and to be enjoying what the 2 of you are doing.

Ginger - posted on 01/10/2010

I also lost a little boy in Sept.04. He died at 2 wks. His name was Colin. I don't know how you move on. Sometimes I go days w/out thinking about him and other times I cannot get that sick feeling to go away. I go to visit his grave now and then. I have had 2 more since Colin. I was a nervous wreck for the first year with both of them.
I truly hope that you will find peace with this. It is so awful and it doesn't make any sense at all. I can symathize with you.

Alison - posted on 01/04/2010

Quoting Kelsey:

I dont know if this will help, but I just wanted to give you my sympathy. I couldnt imagine! There are no words to explain just how heart breaking it must be to loose a child, especially to SIDS. You never get a good enough answer. I cant beleive he got SIDS so late, I was told it was usually before 6 mos. Thats just shocking to me. SIDS is always confusing, but he was so strong at 8 mos. Sorry if this makes it worse, just trying to put myself in your shoes. If you dont mind anwering this... what exactly do you think caused his SIDS? I know there are no clear answers, but Im just wondering if there were any risk factors that applied to him or something like that. Dont answer if you dont want to talk about it, just curious. My daughter is 6 mos, and will only sleep on her tummy, she has acid reflux, constipation, and when she was younger she was colicky. I used to be so afraid of her getting SIDS but once she turned 6 mos, I had a huge sigh of releif because as far as I was told, they are almost out of the woods at that age, although I have always heard its possible to get SIDS as old as 1. Anyways, Im very sorry. Im sure youll never forget it, or "get over" it, but I hope someday you can come to peace with it.

One thing that I purchased after losing Liam for his little brother is this: http://www.amazon.com/B%C3%A9b%C3%A9Soun... It's a motion sensor that has an alarm that goes off if it doesn't sense movement after 20 seconds. The sensor is very sensitive and it will sense the breathing of the baby.

Alison - posted on 01/04/2010

Quoting Kelsey:

I dont know if this will help, but I just wanted to give you my sympathy. I couldnt imagine! There are no words to explain just how heart breaking it must be to loose a child, especially to SIDS. You never get a good enough answer. I cant beleive he got SIDS so late, I was told it was usually before 6 mos. Thats just shocking to me. SIDS is always confusing, but he was so strong at 8 mos. Sorry if this makes it worse, just trying to put myself in your shoes. If you dont mind anwering this... what exactly do you think caused his SIDS? I know there are no clear answers, but Im just wondering if there were any risk factors that applied to him or something like that. Dont answer if you dont want to talk about it, just curious. My daughter is 6 mos, and will only sleep on her tummy, she has acid reflux, constipation, and when she was younger she was colicky. I used to be so afraid of her getting SIDS but once she turned 6 mos, I had a huge sigh of releif because as far as I was told, they are almost out of the woods at that age, although I have always heard its possible to get SIDS as old as 1. Anyways, Im very sorry. Im sure youll never forget it, or "get over" it, but I hope someday you can come to peace with it.

One thing that I purchased after losing Liam for his little brother is this: http://www.amazon.com/B%C3%A9b%C3%A9Soun... It's a motion sensor that has an alarm that goes off if it doesn't sense movement after 20 seconds. The sensor is very sensitive and it will sense the breathing of the baby.

Alison - posted on 01/04/2010

Quoting Victoria:

i really don't know what to say. i am so afriad of sids and am so sorry that you werent able to rejoice on his first birthday when theyre considered "out of the woods". God needed your angel and i hope that means something to you but I know it won't make the void any smaller. Perhaps you could help others by telling them your experience. Sids is such an unknown occurence that the more you tell, the closer we are to figuring it out and hopefully stopping it. i am very sorry for your loss and hope you find peace, as hard as it may be.

There was a study done about SIDS by Boston College a few years ago. They didn't find a cure, but they believe they found the cause of it, which is a start. Apparently every person is born with a certain level of seratonin. One of the functions is to remind your body to breathe when you are asleep. Some babies aren't born with enough seratonin and so when they are asleep their brain won't remind the body to breathe. Supposedly this is the cause of SIDS. I am not completely sold on the idea since there hasn't been any backing that I have seen yet for the basis of these ideas. I really do hope it's true though, because like I said it would be a start and a step in the right direction for maybe eventually finding a cure.

Alison - posted on 01/04/2010

Quoting Sara:

I am so sorry...wish I could give you a hug.

Have you thought about joining a group for people who have lost a loved one/child? Something like that might help. Do you have anyone else you can talk to? Do you have something you can do to take your mind off of it?

We really don't have anything available in the grief counseling depart because we live in a smaill town cut off from everywhere else. My husband is there for me to talk to, but sometimes it's a little hard... He's not a very open person when it comes to sharing his emotions (which is truthfully a problem with most of the male species). I've also got my little guy, Sammy, who was born 9 months after we lost Liam.

Dawn - posted on 01/04/2010

im so sorry to hear about your son.. my brother passed away then he was a year old and i never really let go until my daughter was born in 2006... my brother dies is 1983. i cried every time his birthday cam around or when i drove over the bridge wher he officially passed away. this kinda thing takes time. you are a great mother i am sure of it. you son is a part of you and is with you in spirit. you can look at your other child and see the one that passed away ( look at the twinkle in his eye) someone is never lost as long as they are in your heart.

Alison - posted on 01/04/2010

Quoting Krista:

Quoting Alison:

Krista-that is my other son, Sammy in that pic. I changed it for you to see Liam (a few weeks before his death.) He loved peaches, his first word was Mama and his favourite thing to do was read a book with me. Even though losing Liam was a terrible thing, we very lucky in the fact that his little brother Sammy was conceived a few weeks later. And you're right, talking about him does help, thank you.

Sharon-I've already done things in his name. One of the one's that I enjoyed most was donating toys to the room he was in at the day care he went to. There are a few other things we (my husband and I) have done including donating a park bench in his amemory where we used to go for walks and play. There is no place I can volunteer... I live in a very small town in the middle of a moutain range, and all the roads are closed surrounding it. (Not to mention the nearest children's hospital is over 3 hours away.)

And I have "moved on" in a way for my other sons sake, but I really don't think that giving attention to the memory of my son on his birthday takes away from Sammy. That's what my counselor has said anyways...

Awwww....Liam was such a little cutie. Those big blue eyes! It sounds like he was a real lovebug. 

I think it's lovely that you've done those things in his name. I bet those kids just adored the toys. 

His birthday will always be hard. Surround yourself with people who loved Liam too, and cherish those sweet memories. Don't be afraid to lean on others. PM me if you ever need to talk, ok?

Thank you, Krista. If I need someone to talk to, another mom is always a good person to go to. :)

Alison - posted on 01/04/2010

Quoting Sharon:

Quoting Alison:

Krista-that is my other son, Sammy in that pic. I changed it for you to see Liam (a few weeks before his death.) He loved peaches, his first word was Mama and his favourite thing to do was read a book with me. Even though losing Liam was a terrible thing, we very lucky in the fact that his little brother Sammy was conceived a few weeks later. And you're right, talking about him does help, thank you.

Sharon-I've already done things in his name. One of the one's that I enjoyed most was donating toys to the room he was in at the day care he went to. There are a few other things we (my husband and I) have done including donating a park bench in his amemory where we used to go for walks and play. There is no place I can volunteer... I live in a very small town in the middle of a moutain range, and all the roads are closed surrounding it. (Not to mention the nearest children's hospital is over 3 hours away.)

And I have "moved on" in a way for my other sons sake, but I really don't think that giving attention to the memory of my son on his birthday takes away from Sammy. That's what my counselor has said anyways...

"moved on" is soooo.... inadequate?  But it was the best I could come up.  Giving attention on this day - his birthday does NOT take away from your son Sammy.  That wasn't what I meant.  I did mean the rest of the time, I was trying to not assume you were shorting sammy but I wanted to be cautious and throw it in there.

 

He loved peaches... what about planting a peach tree?  I'm trying to think of things that wouldn't be grossly morbid that would keep his memory alive but not freakish - you know?  Maybe try a new dessert/dish using peaches?  Giving a small toast "for liam", write a letter to liam - telling him about his little brother, tell sammy about liams birth story?

I agree that it doesn't seem like a good description. I suppose... surviving would be one that I like... I'm sorry if I snapped at you before, I just feel guilty all the time from either spending time with Sammy and then realizing I haven't thought of Liam much that day. Or I will be sad about Liam and then feel guilty about Sammy. Unfortunately it's apparently normal, but it's also very hard.

I wish I could plant a peach tree here, but we live in an elevation over 7,200 feet and it snows nearly all year round. We did make a pie today with custard in it for Liam (he loved custard almost as much as he loved peaches). With situations like this it always feels like you have to question yourself with everything you wish to do, but you're never really sure until you share your ideas with others (which none of your ideas were morbid). We did visit him today and had Sammy help me write "Happy Birthday" in snow and sang it to him also. Sammy also looked at all of his big brothers pictures too, which Sammy enjoyed. :)

Lindsay - posted on 01/04/2010

I just wanted to say I'm sorry and can't possibly imagine what you are going through. I hope you always keep those precious memories of him close to your heart. (((HUGS)))

Kelsey - posted on 01/04/2010

I dont know if this will help, but I just wanted to give you my sympathy. I couldnt imagine! There are no words to explain just how heart breaking it must be to loose a child, especially to SIDS. You never get a good enough answer. I cant beleive he got SIDS so late, I was told it was usually before 6 mos. Thats just shocking to me. SIDS is always confusing, but he was so strong at 8 mos. Sorry if this makes it worse, just trying to put myself in your shoes. If you dont mind anwering this... what exactly do you think caused his SIDS? I know there are no clear answers, but Im just wondering if there were any risk factors that applied to him or something like that. Dont answer if you dont want to talk about it, just curious. My daughter is 6 mos, and will only sleep on her tummy, she has acid reflux, constipation, and when she was younger she was colicky. I used to be so afraid of her getting SIDS but once she turned 6 mos, I had a huge sigh of releif because as far as I was told, they are almost out of the woods at that age, although I have always heard its possible to get SIDS as old as 1. Anyways, Im very sorry. Im sure youll never forget it, or "get over" it, but I hope someday you can come to peace with it.

Good Day! - posted on 01/04/2010

Praying...

Victoria - posted on 01/04/2010

i really don't know what to say. i am so afriad of sids and am so sorry that you werent able to rejoice on his first birthday when theyre considered "out of the woods". God needed your angel and i hope that means something to you but I know it won't make the void any smaller. Perhaps you could help others by telling them your experience. Sids is such an unknown occurence that the more you tell, the closer we are to figuring it out and hopefully stopping it. i am very sorry for your loss and hope you find peace, as hard as it may be.

Sara - posted on 01/04/2010

I am so sorry...wish I could give you a hug.

Have you thought about joining a group for people who have lost a loved one/child? Something like that might help. Do you have anyone else you can talk to? Do you have something you can do to take your mind off of it?

Krista - posted on 01/04/2010

Quoting Alison:

Krista-that is my other son, Sammy in that pic. I changed it for you to see Liam (a few weeks before his death.) He loved peaches, his first word was Mama and his favourite thing to do was read a book with me. Even though losing Liam was a terrible thing, we very lucky in the fact that his little brother Sammy was conceived a few weeks later. And you're right, talking about him does help, thank you.

Sharon-I've already done things in his name. One of the one's that I enjoyed most was donating toys to the room he was in at the day care he went to. There are a few other things we (my husband and I) have done including donating a park bench in his amemory where we used to go for walks and play. There is no place I can volunteer... I live in a very small town in the middle of a moutain range, and all the roads are closed surrounding it. (Not to mention the nearest children's hospital is over 3 hours away.)

And I have "moved on" in a way for my other sons sake, but I really don't think that giving attention to the memory of my son on his birthday takes away from Sammy. That's what my counselor has said anyways...

Awwww....Liam was such a little cutie. Those big blue eyes! It sounds like he was a real lovebug. 

I think it's lovely that you've done those things in his name. I bet those kids just adored the toys. 

His birthday will always be hard. Surround yourself with people who loved Liam too, and cherish those sweet memories. Don't be afraid to lean on others. PM me if you ever need to talk, ok?

Sharon - posted on 01/04/2010

Quoting Alison:

Krista-that is my other son, Sammy in that pic. I changed it for you to see Liam (a few weeks before his death.) He loved peaches, his first word was Mama and his favourite thing to do was read a book with me. Even though losing Liam was a terrible thing, we very lucky in the fact that his little brother Sammy was conceived a few weeks later. And you're right, talking about him does help, thank you.

Sharon-I've already done things in his name. One of the one's that I enjoyed most was donating toys to the room he was in at the day care he went to. There are a few other things we (my husband and I) have done including donating a park bench in his amemory where we used to go for walks and play. There is no place I can volunteer... I live in a very small town in the middle of a moutain range, and all the roads are closed surrounding it. (Not to mention the nearest children's hospital is over 3 hours away.)

And I have "moved on" in a way for my other sons sake, but I really don't think that giving attention to the memory of my son on his birthday takes away from Sammy. That's what my counselor has said anyways...

"moved on" is soooo.... inadequate?  But it was the best I could come up.  Giving attention on this day - his birthday does NOT take away from your son Sammy.  That wasn't what I meant.  I did mean the rest of the time, I was trying to not assume you were shorting sammy but I wanted to be cautious and throw it in there.

He loved peaches... what about planting a peach tree?  I'm trying to think of things that wouldn't be grossly morbid that would keep his memory alive but not freakish - you know?  Maybe try a new dessert/dish using peaches?  Giving a small toast "for liam", write a letter to liam - telling him about his little brother, tell sammy about liams birth story?

Debi - posted on 01/04/2010

I am so sorry to hear about your sweet baby. It is so hard to lose a loved one but a baby is so hard. I have lost two and my youngest almost died 3 times. It takes a long time to move on you will never forget but you don't want to either. I will pray for strength for you to be able to remember the good times. May God Bless you

Alison - posted on 01/04/2010

Krista-that is my other son, Sammy in that pic. I changed it for you to see Liam (a few weeks before his death.) He loved peaches, his first word was Mama and his favourite thing to do was read a book with me. Even though losing Liam was a terrible thing, we very lucky in the fact that his little brother Sammy was conceived a few weeks later. And you're right, talking about him does help, thank you.

Sharon-I've already done things in his name. One of the one's that I enjoyed most was donating toys to the room he was in at the day care he went to. There are a few other things we (my husband and I) have done including donating a park bench in his amemory where we used to go for walks and play. There is no place I can volunteer... I live in a very small town in the middle of a moutain range, and all the roads are closed surrounding it. (Not to mention the nearest children's hospital is over 3 hours away.)

And I have "moved on" in a way for my other sons sake, but I really don't think that giving attention to the memory of my son on his birthday takes away from Sammy. That's what my counselor has said anyways...

Sharon - posted on 01/04/2010

There is no time limit on grief. Accept it. There is no way to put a positive spin on your childs death but you could do something positive in his name, for his sake.



Donation to SIDs studies.



Help a child who is four yrs old today with a special gift. Stop by a church or a childrens' organisation and tell them you'd like to donate a birthday gift in the name of your son. I'm not sure you need to mention he has passed unless they need clarification of why.



You could visit a childrens hospital, ask how you could volunteer.



you are always going to be sad. but you have anothe child who doesn't need to live in this shadow, I hope you're remembering that and moving on for his sake.

Krista - posted on 01/04/2010

Oh Alison -- I am so very sorry to hear about that. I bet that your son was a little sweetie. If it helps you to tell us what he was like, we'd love to hear about him. Sometimes it helps just to talk about your little loved one-- just to share those memories. Is that him in the photo? If so, he was a beautiful baby.



Don't be shy to reach out to people. I'm a firm believer that joy shared is joy multiplied, while pain shared is pain divided.