My sons friend is touching him inappropriatly. What do I do?

Maureen - posted on 01/02/2013 ( 58 moms have responded )

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My 10 yr old son just told me his 10 yr old friend has been touching my sons privates over his pants. My son has told him to stop many times and he does not. I have talked with my son and knows this is not his fault and I'm very proud of him for telling me right away but what do I say to the friends mom or do I even say anything to her at all?? What do I do???

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Shanna - posted on 01/03/2013

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As someone who works in the law enforcement field here is my advice: talk to the mother then depending on her reaction (such as if she seems unconcerned or tries to state normal behavior for a child) get the police involved. They will not prosecute the kid but will do an investigation into if someone else is doing something to the kid and maybe mom might be in denial or covering for someone. I hate to be brutal but I've seen it way too much. If a ten year old is doing this 90% of the time it's because they're being molested themselves. This might be the chance for him to get help.

Karen - posted on 01/03/2013

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Hi Maureen, my name is Karen from an organisation called Just us 4 children, we deal with the rehabilitation and restoration of abused children. The boy who is touching your son, is displaying a typical response of a child has been inappropriately "sextized" or worse, which means his social responses have been confused either intentionally by an abuser or unintentionally by inappropriate media and pornography, and his mind is too young to understand the difference. Children will act out what is being done to them or what they see on a regular basis on other children. I suggest that you contact Marc@the-guardian.co.za who is child abuse investigator for appropriate advise in this regard. It is important to get to the bottom of these issues, this child and others that are close are possibly in danger from a peadophile, there are many and you need professional help. Good luck with this. We are on facebook as an organisation "just us 4 children", Marc's organisation is also on facebook as The Guardian.

Amy - posted on 01/03/2013

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This is from an elementary principal & mom of 4~ 3 of whom are boys...
1) Don't let your son play with that child again, but as his parent, I would 2) empower him to confront the child by role playing in the mirror. Once he's comfortable with that, you should 3) have him confront the kid face-to-face & maybe you should be around. 4) He should record their conversation on his cell phone (Put it in his pocket.) for evidence. From there, I would sever all ties, immediately. You should also notify the school counselor & Child Protective Services in your state.

From my husband's perspective, he said that your son should punch the other kid in the nose & tell him he better NEVER touch him again! Leave it at that & if the kid's parent asks you what happened, then you & your son can tell his family why their kid came home beaten up.

The last thing you want to do is make your child feel that you are not supportive & unwilling to go through the fire with him, when he REAAAALLLLY needs your support! This could stir up a hornet's nest, but your child's safety & emotional well-being are well worth it!

Best of luck!

Amy Adams

Camie - posted on 01/03/2013

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The best option is to report to a social worker, law enforcement, or school counselor. I spent 15 years as a foster parent and this child has PROBABLY been violated or he would not be doing this. Approaching his mother, who may well be aware of this, may just put the child in danger of retaliation. A trained professional needs to speak with the child first to uncover possible abuse. Let them break the news to the mother if they determine someone is violating him and she either will take action to protect him and get him help or the state will step in. Unfortunately, sexual abuse is very common. I would say 90% of the children I fostered had been sexually abused in some manner. The environment neglected children live in just makes them prime targets for pediphiles but that is not to say all children who are sexually abused live in at risk environments.

Lila - posted on 01/03/2013

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Get the school counselor involved. They are obligated to report to child protective services if they feel a child is being abused.

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Suckie - posted on 04/24/2013

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go speak to the boys parents , this is worrying and maybe something is happening that the friend is acting this way. I hope your son is ok, hes probably abit confused.

User - posted on 04/01/2013

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@Aliaa Dwain Everette-your comment is absolutely ridiculous! this child has something going on in his life but it has nothing to do with "him not being normal or that he will grow up gay!" I agree with most of the other comments, most likely he has been abused and needs help! His parents should be informed of the situation and both boys need some counselling to help them deal with this and what may have happened in the past (for the first young boy). But I would not allow them to play unsupervised until he has had a good amount of counselling and I felt that he was well on his was to recovery and understanding what was going on in his life.

Levornia - posted on 01/22/2013

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What do you do? You tell the parents and if the parents get upset so the heck what. That is your child and your child safety and sexuality comes first. You don't know what is going on that little boys house and why he is doing that foolishness. This little boy would not be my son's friend anymore PEriod!! When it comes to my son I don't have no tolerance for butter hands. I had a little boy that was at the therapy that had butter hands and I am sure he knew what he was doing and I told my son to stay away from him and when we go to therapy you sit down and read a book. Now that child will not come near me or my son. No mam.... if you let this little boy near your son you will be forcing your son to stay in this type of company. And your son will allow it bc it will feel that its has to be okay bc I told mama and now I am still in this situation.

Rebecca - posted on 01/15/2013

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ii used to work at a child care centre and there were a couple of incedents where children had medical problems (one had a double uretha and the other had severe constipation) and thir behavior was inappropriate, looking closely at other boys penises and asking if it hurts to wee and the other boy offered to put his finger up a friends anus to help him move his bowel. It was difficult to walk that fine line betwen breaching cönfidentiality and explaining to the other childs parents about the behavior. I guess my point is that you may not get a answer as to why the other child did it. It does not make it ok for your son to be violate like this but I just wanted to point it that there are situations where the child has not been abused but they have been touched regularly and if it hasn't been explained to them they might think it is ok.

Janine - posted on 01/13/2013

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I would tell the other mom that you found them playing doctor and that maybe you both need to have a talk about privacy and boundaries with your kids. I think you don't need to make it into a big thing, just be honest and don't place blame or shame. Maybe there is something going on in the life of that other boy. Either way, something needs to be addressed and she needs to be aware of his behavior.

Miaesha - posted on 01/12/2013

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Immediately stop any playdates with this child. And at the first opportunity you get, tell the other child's parent what has occurred. Just be prepared for denial, anger, and all the other signs of grief to be thrown in your direction. As a parent, you number one job is to protect your child and their childhood experience. Even if that means protecting them from another child.

Crystal - posted on 01/12/2013

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@ Sara Aguilar - My daughter is now begging to be home schooled. I am trying to work with her at being more obedient and respectful to her father and I. She is a very sweet and loving girl and I enjoy being with her but I'm afraid she would work me like a violin. She so loves playing with other girls and I see how she is encouraged to do better in school because her friends do well. I am still considering but need to research and reach out to other home schooling Moms. For right now, I will make sure I spend some quality time with her. I do believe it's the individual attention she is seeking the most.

Jennifer - posted on 01/09/2013

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I would tell your son to maybe play with some other friends. You didn't mention where this is happening, school? If so, I would bring it up to the teacher so she can be aware of it. If not at school and its happening after school, I would definitely talk to his parents that as a mom you are concerned for your son being touched inappropriately and that you are concerned about their son displaying this unusual behavior. It seems like this might be a situation in which you will need to go with your instincts based on how the teachers and parents react to this. It may need to be reported if you suspect something is going on at the boy's home. If the boy is doing this at your house while playing with your son, maybe you can ask the boy why he is doing that? Again, I'm not a psychologist, but it definitley should be addressed to the teachers and parents. I would want to know if my child was doing unappropriate behavior.

Sreedhara - posted on 01/09/2013

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My grandson exhibits his penis and backside before me and laughs while doing so. Why does he do this and what is the remedy ?.

Mariam - posted on 01/08/2013

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@ Amy Adams, totally agree with you and your husband's approach.

@ Maureen, ACT quickly and swiftly. Your son did the right thing by telling you and you should have a good talk with him and encourage more open discussions in the future. Well done on raising him, not easy to raise boys: I have two and I am terrified of anything like that happening to them.

Your son should never ever play with that boy again but do have a talk with his mum so she can be aware of the situation and act immediatly to help herat child. I can only hope that she will be an understanding parent and handle this in a mature and sensitive way. God bless.

Mariam

Aliaa Dwain - posted on 01/08/2013

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@Brenda , And there is no proof he will grow normal either , so we have to expect the worst in order to do something to stop it , if that child was sexually abused by an elder family member then he got used to that and finds pleasure in doing what he's doing to his friend, what do you call that in your opinion , and if that child was abused when he was younger then he would have hated doing so , but whenever his friend asked him to stop he didn't stop , that means he likes what he's doing so that friend needs not only to be advised but needs a medication and things to be taken seruosly with him.

Helene - posted on 01/08/2013

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Are you and her best friends or just acquaintances? 10 year olds are very inquisitive about everything especially sex...if it were my son I would definitely talk to the mom and meet at a place for coffee to sicuss this and not in my own home....If that doesn't work than no more friendship no matter how close the boys are...That's my opinion...hope it helps..Helene

Sara - posted on 01/08/2013

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how horrible! I'm so sorry your son had to go through that. And I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you to be left in the dark with so much information!!! :( I understand privacy laws but again, I just can't imagine how difficult that must've been. I hope your son's doing well now that he's in the environment he needs. How does your daughter feel about him being home schooled?

Sara - posted on 01/08/2013

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Omgoodness :( What a tough situation. Please keep us posted on how everything turns out.

I would tell the parents what you've learned from your son. Let them know that you understand this is difficult for everyone and obviously everyone wants to protect their own children. Tell them that whether the allegations are true or not (not that I think your son would lie, but the parents may think that your son might be lying), you'd feel more comfortable if they spent some time apart until this can get sorted out. Maybe professional mediating is something to think about. Suggest it to the parents and tell them you're willing to go that route, if in fact you are of course.

Christine - posted on 01/08/2013

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Yes, you should talk to the friend's mom. This is inappropriate and he needs to be told this by his parents asap.

Nikki - posted on 01/08/2013

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If it was me id call the kids parents or better yet go in person and speak to the parents and child with your kid ..id just go there and say id like to talk bout something very personal with ur son and sit down and let them know what ur son said the child may get very indenial but have ur son tell the child everytime he did it and he dont like it and is uncomfortable but dont let ur child around him anymore again

Nina - posted on 01/08/2013

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You definitely need to talk to the other boys mother because if this other boy is doing this to your son, chances are that somebody is doing the same to that boy and his mother needs to know as soon as possible. Keep your boy away from this other boy from now on. Be strong you can do this. Remember you need to support your son and protect him from this kind of thing, but also remember this other boy is a victim of somebody else and you must protect him by bringing it to his mothers attention immediately.

Hex - posted on 01/08/2013

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My son went through this kind of experience as well, but from the perspective of being the boy that did the inappropriate touching. It was heartbreaking to hear that my son was causing so much suffering to another, but thanks to the school and the local police contacting me about the situation, we were able to investigate and find the cause. It turned out that an older boy had attempted similar in the past with my son and he was now parroting the behavior. We were able to get all the kids involved the help they need and they are now all doing well.

Please, please, PLEASE talk to the parents as soon as possible. If you get a negative or indifferent response, contact the school, police, or CPS. It will be the best for all the young ones involved. The kids are always the priority. I'd also recommend either no contact or no unsupervised contact with the other child.

Diane - posted on 01/08/2013

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Were I the mother of that son, I would want to know immediately! You need to tell her asap. And not be accused years down the road of not doing something when this started. He's young enough, they can probably get some decent counseling and deal with it. And you would put this relationship over inappropriate sexual behavior towards your son?? Am I hearing this correctly? That he knows his mother has done nothing on his behalf?? Really?? Lady, are you nuts? Pick up the damn phone, and sever this relationship. Period. And do not hesitate to tell anyone else who may be in the position of being abused. You are involved with child abuse. If this boy were three years older, and you sat around playing stupid like you are now, CPS could come and get your kid. Put your child first, put your brain in order, show him some guts, let him know it will NOT happen again. Geez, my head is still spinning. I'm wondering if your post is actually real, because I don't know anyone who'd sacrifice their child just for a nice relationship with the other mom. TODAY!! NOW!! Get your ass in gear.

Amy - posted on 01/08/2013

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First let me say I haven't read any of the prior posts, speaking from experience the boy doing the touching has been touched.... you need to absolutely tell the other parent and also make a call to child protective services because the other child needs protection... these things are learned behaviors taught by someone. And your son should go to counseling as well.

Brenda - posted on 01/08/2013

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There's no proof he will grow up gay. Who are you to say if the friend is normal or not? The behavior is not normal. The behavior is more than likely from being abused himself. It's not his fault if an adult is teaching him touching inappropriately is ok. And it doesn't make him weird or anything else. Her is a child. And by you saying we have enough gays, tells me you are prejudiced against them, which was my original point to your response. This has nothing to do w/being gay or not. It's about a boy who is probably being abused himself abusing another

Aliaa Dwain - posted on 01/08/2013

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@ Brenda , that friend who keeps touching his friend's privates is not normal and if he is not stopped doing so, he will grow up gay , and we already have more than enough of gays here and there.

Brenda - posted on 01/08/2013

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@ Aliaa What do gay men and lesbians have to do with her son's friend touching him inappropriately? That assumes they are all child molesters which is NOT the case at all and very prejudiced.
@ Maureen Yes. I would talk to her. Her son is being sexually abused and more than likely it's not by her. Women do molest children but they only make up a very small percentage. Shemay not even know her son is being abused. He needs help. Meanwhile, I would not let my son spend time w/his friend until all of this gets straightened out. Hope everything works out.

Aliaa Dwain - posted on 01/06/2013

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We as parents have to be careful , There are too many gay men , and lesbians out there , parents have to put an eye on their kids and their kids' friends and never ever let them be in a closed room together without knowing what they are doing inside .
My dear lady talk to your son and let him know that part is his own, that's why it is called private part , it is not appropriate for his friend to touch it or to come near it , then talk to your kid's friend , and talk to his mom , because this a serious problem , don't let it go , you have to alert his parents , may be there is a family member in that's friend's house does that to him, so they have to be careful and solve that issue before it getting worse and worse .

April - posted on 01/06/2013

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Hi, I didnt read the other responses, but you need to talk to the mother of the other boy. It will be an awkward conversation, but something is going on with that little boy. My assumption is that he is being abused by someone in his life. Watch how his mother reacts because you may need to get someone else involved. Does the little boy ever come to your house? Would you be in a position to talk with him? While this is a tough situation, this little boy is crying out for help and you may be the only person who can help right now. Good luck. Approach this mother with love and compassion, she could be in an abusive situation as well. You have no idea what you are going into. I hope it goes well.

Ashley - posted on 01/06/2013

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you need to tell his mom as he needs help. she may not be aware... chances are the boy has been or is being abused himself

Ana - posted on 01/06/2013

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yes, you need to talk to his mom as soon as possible, he needs professional help. Your son has asked him many times to stop and hasn't. He needs help as soon as possible, before this get any further, or might force your son. You need to tell his mom exactly the way your son told you, support her, and if you want offer her your help. You have to protect your son, when his friend comes over, make sure they are where you can see them, and don't let your son go his house until he's been treated and the whole thing has been taken care of. Love & God Bless

Sarah - posted on 01/06/2013

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First of all, it's normal for children to be CURIOUS, not to victimize another child and touch them inappropriately when they DON'T WANT to be touched.

Maureen, your son's friend is being or has been abused at home or by someone he knows. Telling his mother (who may be the perpetrator or protecting the perpetrator) is probably not the best thing, right off the bat. When children touch other children inappropriately, it is because it has happened to them before, and when they do it to another child, it's because they feel like it's okay because *they're* not the ones being abused. It's not necessarily to hurt another child. It's just a vicious cycle. Does your son attend public school? If so, I would suggest speaking to a *trusted* teacher and/or school counselor about a potential need for child services to intervene. If anyone discourages you from filing a police report, ignore them. You need to get it on record that you brought it to the school's attention, and then if nothing is done about it at that level, you can move forward in juvenile/criminal court. These issues are not "pleasant" and some people don't want to deal with them, but people need to be aware that these things DO happen. Your job #1 is to PROTECT your child. Keep this other kid away from your son, and do what you can to alert the right people - just don't tell the other kid's parents, because they could be the perpetrators, and this kid may potentially have more harm come to him at home.

Crystal - posted on 01/06/2013

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These kids have been taught "Good touch/Bad touch". They know better! If the victim feels it's wrong, it's wrong!

Keri - great way to open the conversation with the parent! However, this school has made it very clear that THEY have handled the situation. My guess is the school feels they are protecting the accused as well as the victim, I just felt that they were protecting the accused more than the victim, in this case. I wanted the kid moved out of my son's class but the principle refused,but offered to move my son. My son has hard enough time adjusting to a move, drill sergeant teachers, bullies and minors as sexual offenders, I was very disappointed with the principles lack of comfort given to my son and my peace of mind. This is a very small town and I have wondered how much of this has been CYA (cover your a$$) on behalf of the school/principle. Especially with the on site police officer discouraging us to file a report. My thought with filing a report was to make sure the school had properly notified parents of the accused and witnesses (my son's friends). As a parent of a witness, I would like to know the dangers my child could face. Parents would then have the choice to turn this incident into a lesson for their child.

I can remember being in a drug store as a child with my mother, about the same age as my son. A boy about my same age groped me. It felt WRONG and I felt DIRTY, ASHAMED, EMBARRASSED and SCARED. I'm 39 now and I still wished I had caused that kid bodily harm.
Some of us tell our kids to stand up for themselves but as adults we are cautioned to retaliate. Earlier this school year, in my son's school district, a middle school aged child brought a gun to school on the bus (bus contained elementary aged children, as well). TIMES HAVE CHANGED, MOM'S AND DAD'S!! I'm not sure how I feel about my child standing up for himself. FYI - I live in an rural part of north Georgia. I am a Southern Baptist preachers kid and I of all people understand I can not shield my children from everything but I will do my very best to protect them!

Aliaa Dwain - posted on 01/05/2013

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That's not normal at all , they are 10 years old kids , not 3 or 4 .

Aliaa Dwain - posted on 01/05/2013

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You have to talk to your son's friend first and let him know that is not appropriate to do what he has been doing and tell him that would be between you and him, but if he doesn't stop you have to alert his parents to keep their eyes on their son because this is a sign of a gay's born

Keri - posted on 01/05/2013

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I would start be saying you are concerned with something your son told her. That way you aren't attacking her, but you can bring up the situation to her. I agree if she says it is normal or completely denies that her child could be doing that it is time to call CPS and the police. I also agree that the other child is probably acting out something that is happening of has happened to him. Don't allow your child to be alone with the other child any more.

While I agree that some experimentation is normal, the fact that you son has told the other child to stop and the behavior is continuing is alarming and needs to be dealt with.

Valerie - posted on 01/05/2013

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You shouldn’t be alarmed because it is perfectly normal for children to experiment with each other at an early age. It’s not unusual for young children to remove their clothes and to look at and even touch each other’s genital areas.

Valerie

Crystal - posted on 01/05/2013

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We just went through this same thing, my son is also 10yrs old. I still have images of him holding his blankie and burying his head in the sofa as he told me. This touching had happened multiple times for about three months as his friends witnessed. For the sake of privacy the principle was unable to tell me how she handled the situation and, the on site police officer discouraged us from filing a police report (because the child nor my son's friends admitted to the incidents happening). I, too, worried about this little boys home situation. I asked my son about this kid, to see if the kid was just being a bully. My son told me the kid didn't have any friends. Principle told me that she spoke with my son's teachers and informed me that they would keep the boys separated. Wasn't good enough for me since this happened without his teachers knowledge! Last school year it was his drill sergeant math teacher yelling at other kids that made him feel nervous. I grew tired of my son vomiting the night before and morning of school. I pulled him out of public school and am now homeschooling him. I did not feel his environment was conducive to learning (for him). As adults we are encouraged to create our environment and I feel it is my job to create his environment. Since he has been home, I see where he needs more help (math) and encouragement (study skills and test taking). This seems to be working for us. I am not bashing the public school sector, my husband teaches high school science and I feel my daughter is thriving in the public school system. I just feel my son needs a little more attention. We are in the process of scaling down financially, smaller house, no cable or satellite and implementing coupons, etc... to make this change for my son. I will do everything in my power to raise my children to be strong, intelligent, good people and to love life. Do what is best for YOUR child.

Laura - posted on 01/05/2013

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Please, please, please talk to this child's parents. There is something going on, whether its curiosity or a repeat of what is happening to him. If the parents don't seem concerned, let them ale it from that point. I hope this all works out. Good luck.

Terrie - posted on 01/05/2013

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If it is happening at school you need to report it to the school counselor or principal and let them deal with it from there of course when they talk to your son if he wants you there then they should allow you to be there. If this is happening in your neighborhood then you should distance th our child from the friend and the person that was referring you to a couple of organisations her advice would be a good idea or you can talk to the mother. My guess is that you will meet confrontation though so you really want to find a mediator. THat the child is doing is wrong and it must be dealt with but he himself is probably a victim in some way or another. He need help and so will your son.

Faye - posted on 01/04/2013

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Keep your son away from his friend. There is some inappropriate touching either going in that child's house or someone in his family circle. So, yes you should tell the friend's mother, but definitely keep your son away. Expect the unexpected in their response. Once you report the behavior keep it moving by distancing your child.

Iris - posted on 01/03/2013

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Tell his friends mom to keep her kid away from yours period supervised or not...

Maureen - posted on 01/03/2013

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Thank you ALL. I am Extremly proud of my son and tell him a hundred times of day that he's my hero.

Mom Of - posted on 01/03/2013

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I am an elementary school counselor. You need to report the behavior to the counselor or if you don't have a counselor at your school, teacher or principal. There may be a lot more going on. Depending on where it is happening I would let the school handle the situation. Many of the others above are right if could be one of the parents who could be touching inappropritely.
Your son did that right thing!! I teach on inappropriate touch to all my students. You should be very proud of him for coming to you.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/03/2013

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YES speak with the parents and the counselor at the school. Kids do what they have been taught in these circumstances, and chances are someone is doing it to him. Wouldn't you want to be told if your son was doing this to another kid???? I would.

Ruth - posted on 01/03/2013

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First talk to the mom. Just tell her what's been happening and your concerns. Imagine how you would like to be talked to, if it was your son displayong such behavior. Straight out is probably the best approach. See how she reacts. Tell her she should talk to someone about possible abuse of her son. Give her the opportunity to make a move. You can even offer to go with her. But, if she deflects or gets protective/offensive, then you should report the behavior, so the little boy can be helped, if need be.

Ashley - posted on 01/03/2013

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Yes you say something. Her son needs to learn it is not appropriate. And she needs to know because ger son might be doing it to him because somebody has done it to him.

Laura - posted on 01/03/2013

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You should definately talk to your sons friend's parents about this. I know it will be odd but if you don't do something what will happen the next time or even to the next child !!!!!

Chelsea - posted on 01/03/2013

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My understanding is that usually when children molest other children, its bc of abuse they have sustained or witnessed (which seems to be everyone else's thought as well). I would go to a school counselor or local CPS agency, simply bc they would know how to address the possible abuse. Assuming your son's friend is being abused, the mother nay be in denial or even the abuser, so going to her might not be effective... School counselors aren't just there for the kids but for parents as well. They're specialty is family dynamics.

Bethany - posted on 01/03/2013

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I would definetly sit down with the mother. As a Christtian I try to find advixe for situations from the Bible. In it we are told that if we have a problem we should go quickly straight o that person and speak with them about it (the other mother). If they don't listen or the issue continues than we are to find a witness to go with us for another talk (you and someone who can be objective to the sitiation like maybe a teacher go back and talk to the other mother again) as for what to say I agree with the post above me about seeking advice from an outside source. But I would do it quickly if I were you. This is not normal 10 year old behavior and I would be very concerned about the other little boy. I would go speak with a Pastor or call a counselor. Most Pastors are teained in counseling. Good luck!

Bethany - posted on 01/03/2013

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I would definetly sit down with the mother. As a Christtian I try to find advixe for situations from the Bible. In it we are told that if we have a problem we should go quickly straight o that person and speak with them about it (the other mother). If they don't listen or the issue continues than we are to find a witness to go with us for another talk (you and someone who can be objective to the sitiation like maybe a teacher go back and talk to the other mother again) as for what to say I agree with the post above me about seeking advice from an outside source. But I would do it quickly if I were you. This is not normal 10 year old behavior and I would be very concerned about the other little boy. I would go speak with a Pastor or call a counselor. Most Pastors are teained in counseling. Good luck!

Kisha - posted on 01/03/2013

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I think you should confront the mother and the little boy. The little boy may be seeing these actions performed somewhere and his mother needs to be informed because someone might be doing the same to him. It's good that your son told you before it escalated.

Maureen - posted on 01/02/2013

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This is my very 1 st time on this site and as a single mom of a beautiful young boy I so appreciate you talking with me about him and so quickly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! THANK YOU!!!

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