My step-son has issues-what should I do?

Becky - posted on 09/07/2009 ( 22 moms have responded )

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My step-son has alot of problems. He has ADHD and talks ALOT. He is almost 13,but has the maturity level of a 6y/o. He has to be told several times to finish eating. Most people find him quite annoying. He doesn't have many friends at school,has had issues at school including a teacher going off on him and kids teasing him. My husband didn't see him from 5-8 due to lies that his mother told to the court and to their son as well. He says alot of unhealthy things-I've heard him say that he was gonna blow up when his father was trying to teach him to wash dishes,that it was his duty to shoot someone,and within the past 2 days, I've heard him say that he almost killed someone,and that his next crazy move was to strangle someone. I am concerned because I have a 13-month old,and another baby due in Oct. My mother's intuition tells me not to have him playing alone with my kids,and don't want him to taint them in anyway. I've told my husband this,but he doesn't believe that his son would harm our kids- I believe he doesn't want to think negatively of his son and I'd rather not take the chance. What should I do about my step-son and my husband?

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Roxie - posted on 09/08/2009

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FIRST-TAKE HIM TO A DR. AND GET HIM ON MEDS!!!!!!!! The new meds out do not make them vombies anymore. It just makes them normal. Your stepson will thank you for getting them for him. It will totally change his attitude. I have 2 grandsons with ADHD and it is amazing the difference in the two of them. I asked the oldest one what he thought of the meds and he said they are great. They make him like the other kids, he has friends now, he gets great grades and is even in some GATE programs because now he can sit still and work on the school work and they found out he is very advanced. It may not be your step-son has the maturity of a 6 yr old. It could be the ADHD. It takes total control of a child and the can not be responsible for everything they do. PLEASE GET HIM MEDS AND LET HIM SEE WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE NORMAL AND HAPPY.

Christine - posted on 09/08/2009

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I have two children with adhd one girl 14 and one by 22 and both of them say a lot of hurtful things and also think it is funny but they never mean it, they say things before thinking and dont care but as for your children, no i dont believe for one minute that he will hurt them in any way at all as with experience my two adore babies and other children but they do want their own space from time to time and yes counselling helps a lot for the whole family and tends to help the adhd child extremely. Please try not to worry too much, it is hard i know but hang in there and try not to stress too much. My thoughts are with you.

Jessica - posted on 09/07/2009

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I have a son who has ADHD, ODD (oppsinational (sp?) defiance disorder), OCD (obsessive conpulsive disorder), MMR (mild mental retardation), ED (emotionally disturbed), PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder), had cancer, and has bouts of anxiety. He is 12 yrs old and acts like he is 6. He has a lot of issues with bad behavior and bad language. I have him in therapy and he is also on behavior meds as well. But he was actually put in a residentual care facility (lock down baby jail basically) because of his threats on teachers, students, parents, siblings, and generally anyone who made him mad. Counseling has helped a lot. His meds change from time to time because they just seem to stop working for him and he will start his ranting and raving about hurting/killing someone or himself. He's always saying he's going to run away and will run. His step mom was always saying bad things about me and telling him that he was stupid, worthless, a bad seed, he will never amount to anything, you name it she said it to him. Good luck with your step son. It's hard work but see if you can get him to sit down and ask him what is bothering him? Sometimes it seems like they just want someone's undivided attention. He may not feel that talking to his dad or mom is helping anything. See if he will open up to you about what is bothering him. Good luck and you'll be in my prayers.

Rosalie - posted on 09/07/2009

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i am a step mom of a 13 yearold who is also going through alot due to his mother having a mental disease as he lives with me and his father we both struggle alot to keep him in control with our other two children whom one has adhd add and a learning disorder the only thing i could suggest is for you and your husband to sit down with him and try to explain to him how you are feeling and you could also try to put him on some kind of reward chart which i have recently done with my three children and it has worked wonders good luck

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Diana - posted on 03/25/2011

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I have 3 step children that are mild mental retarded and they had issues to but i got them when they were little like 3 4 and five but yes he was in denile he didnt want to hear the truth either but with much fights and threats and talks he finally faced the truth. he trusted and loved me enough to join me in helping them then and not ignoring the problem i swear i would have left cause thats alot of stress and i would not have done it on my own.

Roxie - posted on 09/08/2009

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ADHD children are very out spoken and cannot control some of the things they say. They are not trying to hurt anyone feeling or be mean. My grandson explains why he says things after they come out and apologizes because we have explained it hurts people when he says these thing.

Monica-Lynn - posted on 09/08/2009

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first & foremost if ur step-son had ADHD he should be on medication..... I have a child who is ADHD and medicine is very beneficial.... about the negative social remarks ur stp-son needs to see a councelor/therapist... those remarks are not typical of any age, it is a cry for help.... it is a big step for him to open up about his most darkest thoughts... as a mom u should be vey cautious that is ur job to ensure the safety of ur children.... ur husband needs to step and take immediate action reguarding his eldest.... there's resourses out there for ur troubled teen..... just remember to not put him down, say hes not normal,or neglect to give the same love & attention/ affecton as u would share w/ ur other kiddos..... u could make an appointment w/a phyciatrist through Dr's office, could try and get him into a juvenille hospital ( wa. childrens, fairfax) usually need to have a referal per menatl health, it all depends on what type of insurance u have which depends on the type of resourses that would be @ ur fingertips... hang in there.... some children have a lil bit of issues, but there is help out there waiting for you..... If in the mean time his behavior escalates violently call 911 they can come out & handle the situation & it will give documentation also if needed...

Shannon - posted on 09/07/2009

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Has he seen a doctor, ask the doctor about Clonidine. My brother in-law (6 yrs. old) is the same way. They put him on this med and it works wonders. When he doesn't take it he eats all the food in the house, litarally bounces off the walls, and hurts my 2 yr. old often. Now, I'm not a medical profession, so I don't know if this med. is right for your child but it doesn't hurt to ask!

Stephanie - posted on 09/07/2009

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You for sure need to stuck to your mothers intuition and not leave him alone with the babies..!! It's not his fault he has these thoughts...sounds like he's had a rough life with his mom lying about his daddy.. He could also be jealous of the relationship that his dad has with the baby.. I would just watch over him very closely..!! Make sure to show him lots of love and let him know you care and are there for him. :)

Catherine - posted on 09/07/2009

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also pray over your children (grandchildren, neices, etc) it really works...it does not take any certain fancy words or ways, just pray from the heart and I know God will faithfully answer the prayers ..I will be praying for these children as well as the ones around here going through the same thing...

Loretta - posted on 09/07/2009

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I know exactly where you stand. I have an 11 year old girl that is diagnosed with ADHD, Bipolar, Autism Spectrum and Mild MR along with anxiety. She is always crying over things, easy gets feelings hurts, messy, unclean child, mentality of a 6 year old. Won't take responsibility for herself. Everything is someone elses fault and usually she says its my younges daughter that is 8 years old. I don't leave her alone with my baby nephews when they are here. She isn't allowed to go outside by herself with them. She doesn't understand when something or someone would/could hurt her. My husband doesn't understand why she is the way she is. But I can tell you that it came from her biological father. He was bipolar as heck! All you can do is get the help that is available. If he isn't on medication....I have to use it with my mine or I go nuts! I have to stop and rethink everything I do so that I don't let my temper get to me. And let me tell ya that is hard considering I am diabetic/high blood pressure/and anxiety. So, try family therapy. Make husband listen to therapist explain about the child. Get on the internet and make him read what there is to learn about ADHD. Find things that interest your child and excel on that. Pick out a day and make it "Family Day". Nothing interfears with that day. All about the family! As for the small children. Follow mothers intuition. It is always right. I have a nephew that is much worse that either of our children. He burnt down 2 houses so far and he is in a facility for 6 months and he is still talkinga bout killing everyone and himself. So take everything very serious. And the #1 thing....remember yourself. Do things for yourself!

Teasha - posted on 09/07/2009

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my personal opinion for kids with adhd is that the main reason they act out is cause they dont get the attention at home that they truely need i know lots of kids with this conditon and most of the time they just need someone to take the time out and talk with them... and if you dont feel safe to have him around your children i would try to make sure you dont leave them alone together even if things seem ok better to be safe then sorry until you know that your step son is gettin the right help.... for your husband most parents they are blinded by what their children are doing and take some time to realize what is going

Becky - posted on 09/07/2009

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Quoting Catherine :

Dear Becky,

Your husband may be in denial because it is too painful to think about. I am a Minister and a Mother and Grandmother and I have seen this type of behavior many times. You need to get your step son professional help. He needs to (at very least) have counseling to get at the root of this. He may need medication to balance out his actions also. I would take this serious, before either of you regret that you didn't. You have to think about the well being of all of the children in your home and it sounds like you are. I suggest you getting help for your step son and right away. Children mean what they say when it comes to this sort of thing, most of the time. God bless you and your family. I wish you the best.



 



Thank you very much for all of your responses.  He does have either a counselor/therapist/shrink and a MD that prescribes him Strattera.  I have been telling my husband that he needs to go talk to someone,but maybe I need to be more insistant.  God Bless You ans=d your family as well.





 

Catherine - posted on 09/07/2009

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Dear Becky,



Your husband may be in denial because it is too painful to think about. I am a Minister and a Mother and Grandmother and I have seen this type of behavior many times. You need to get your step son professional help. He needs to (at very least) have counseling to get at the root of this. He may need medication to balance out his actions also. I would take this serious, before either of you regret that you didn't. You have to think about the well being of all of the children in your home and it sounds like you are. I suggest you getting help for your step son and right away. Children mean what they say when it comes to this sort of thing, most of the time. God bless you and your family. I wish you the best.

Becky - posted on 09/07/2009

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Actually, to be honest, it would not bother me if he wounded up at those places. I'm not trying to be cold. Maybe it would be a wake-up call to his parents. I dread when he's coming over and look foward to when he leaves. If his language continues, I'm thinking of spending the weeked he is here at my parents' house with my babies.

Candice - posted on 09/07/2009

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get a new doctor, or a referral to a psychiatrist. this is a serious issue that should not be ignored. your instincts are right, as far as i'm concerned.

Ashley - posted on 09/07/2009

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I agree that counseling would be a good start. I know someone who had the same types of issues with their child at about the same age....they had been taking different types of medication for ADHD and still didnt seem to have any relief....It was when they went to a therapist and had a second evaluation when they found out the child didn't have ADHD...they were diagnosed as Bi-polar instead. These incidents you speak of are serious, in the aspect that your step son really might harm someone...or even himself. If it is more than ADHD he needs proper medication or things may get ALOT worse...this happened to the family I know who went through this with their daughter. As far as your husband...its easy to believe that your child would never do such things, would you believe him if he told you your child was doing things of this nature?.Most people would think the other person was over exagerating..I know I would...maybe just try to get him to agree to getting your step son in to counseling....especially with what you said his mother told alot of lies and kept him from his father...he needs counseling to resolve his childhood regardless of anything else. Good luck

[deleted account]

The first thing any Mother should do is trust her instincts. If you do not feel safe with your infant alone with him then don't leave them alone. It's better to be "overprotective" (some people may think that, I disagree) then let something happen and regret it forever.



I've known lots of kids with ADHD and the hyper active I understand. The whole abusive, nasty, scary language isn't something I've noticed. Does he watch a lot of violent TV? Maybe with his Mom or Dad when you're not around? I almost wonder if his Mother hasn't been speaking of some horrible things around him he's picked up on.



I would take him into councelling so they can find out where this horrible talk is coming from and nip it in the butt now. He may act 6 but everyone else sees a 13 year old. The last thing you want is for him to blurt out something violent towards someone who doesn't understant his condition and him end up in juvenile hall or a group home. You would think they system would understand, but trust me they don't either.

Jessica - posted on 09/07/2009

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seeing a counselor would be a great start. Have you all sat down together and talk to him.i know it would be hard with adhd but it wouldnt hurt. Maybe your husband can just talk to him and then maybe he will see that there is something else that needs to be done. good luck!

Candice - posted on 09/07/2009

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that kid needs COUNSELLING. Cognitive behaviour therapy works wonders for ADHD...but as for the other stuff..uh..that's just scary shit.(excuse my language..but it is). If your husband isn't taking your concerns seriously...man, i don't know what to tell you. He may have to see the kid do something before he gets the hint! and then it could be too late. SUPERVISE that baby (or both babies) at ALL TIMES.

Tiffany - posted on 09/07/2009

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Is he seeing a counselor or therapist? I think he needs to be evaluated, there may be more going on than just the ADHD, and talk therapy can really do wonders for a child. Either way, good luck!

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