My stepdaughter has been so mean!!!

Holly - posted on 11/16/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

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She was extremely rude and hateful to my 9 yo daughter, she told her that she didn't care and didn't want to hear her sing, She was singing very lovely and softly while we were in line at the grocery store.When we got home I sent her to go and write an apology letter and comes out with crap about how she is having a bad day, and that didn't mean to, and she is not feeling good.. I sent her back to her room to rewrite it, telling her that the letter is not about her feelings, that she is supposed to think about how it made my 9 yo daughter feel. she ended up taking an HOUR to complete it. with in minutes of her being done, she tells my 8 yo daughter that she draws weird (btw my daughter is an EXCELLENT artist), her father sent her to her room to write another letter, she broke down crying hysterically, to the point of almost vomiting... he asked her if she'd like a spanking insead (which i didn't agree with, but it's HIS daughter) she chose a spanking.... this flabbergasted me that she'd prefer a spanking over sitting down writing about how she made another child feel about something that they take pride in doing... both my daughters are very talented (as is my stepdaughter) but she didn't want to write the letter (IMO) because she didn't want to sit and think about someone other than herself

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Allison - posted on 07/04/2014

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I just relate to this so much. My 10 year old step daughter can be so rude and sass mothed! She also can say very hurtful things to my 7 year old daighter. My daughter loves to sing and express herself and is very girly. My stepdaughter makes fun of her for being girly and singing. I have told her not to be rude and that she expresses herself the way she wants to. It absolutly drivre me to the point of tears because it deeply hurts my daughters feelings. My daughter is a genuinly happy kid and my step daughter is a lot of the time very moody and pouty. They are as different as day and night. I encourage good behavior and complimenting each other. But I can really tell when my daughter has been around her for a long time. She becomes smart mouthed and rude. It drives me crazy and im on my breaking point with this!

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Oh ok! Haha. I understand where you're at. My husband and I too can see a lot of his ex's entitled, self-involved behaviors and attitude in his daughter and it is a constant uphill battle trying to teach her what is acceptable in our home and that she will not be spoiled or coddled or allowed to be rude to us or our other two children. She is only 4 and already seems to have learned how to "snub" everyone around her, wants to be treated like a baby, orders the other two children around, and lacks basic manners (she will demand something, we'll tell her she needs to ask nicely and say please, and she will then refuse to talk at all! She'd rather go without than ask politely!) It seems to be very slow progress, and sometimes my husband slips into the attitude of "what's the point in trying to teach her? she's obviously not being taught the other 6 days a week she's not with us!" And I too sometimes feel like whatever discipline we do accomplish seems to be undone by the time we get her a week later, but you just have to keep at it. After all, what else can you do? I always tells my husband we have nothing to lose by just continuing to try to teach her to behave better, right? So I know how frustrating it can be trying to teach a child when someone else is consistently modeling for them the exact behaviors you are trying to help them rise above. Good luck! :)

Holly - posted on 11/16/2012

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Ohh and my husband didn't actually think she'd pick the spanking and ended up sending her back to write the letter... I'm sorry I didn't make that clear. But I do agree, he shouldn't have given her that as an option... I believe kids at that age are too old for a spanking

Holly - posted on 11/16/2012

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Thank you for your encouragement... I do think that the letter writing was an awesome idea when someone gave it to me, and I love it, I don't like to think of as punishment, but like you said, a way to learn empathy and consideration of others' feelings... But what is hard is that this child's own mother hadn't learned this yet... And I think that her mother's personality has rubbed off on her greatly, but perhaps with this exercise she'll become a better person than her mother could ever be. It just gets frustrating. But your encouragement has really helped.

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My opinion is that these are basic lessons that she needs to learn. It wouldn't matter if your daughter was singing horribly and embarrassing her; your SD is old enough now to learn that just because someone's behavior may irk you a little (or a lot) that does not give you the right to ridicule and insult them. Same with her comment to the other child's drawing. It wouldn't matter if it was a terrible drawing, she needs to exercise the simply rule of manners that "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." And not to downplay her condition if she WAS feeling sick, but from what you've said it sounds like she possibly WAS using that as an excuse. Also another great lesson to learn--not feeling well does not give you the right to be unkind to others. I can totally understand why she would choose a spanking...it's the easy way out. It hurts for a minute, but then it's done and over! Writing a letter requires thought and time. And a formal apology is very humbling, both internally and externally. It forces you to confront your wrongs and seek grace from the other party. I don't think anyone is naturally inclined to humble themselves that way; it has to be taught. But it's something we all SHOULD do, and I think it was a great choice of discipline. As far as the nature of her letter, another great teaching moment!! I would sit her down at a later time, when she is calm and collected and a little emotionally removed from that particular situation, and have a discussion about what the focus of an apology needs to be (the other person and their feelings) and why (because that's the person who was hurt, not yourself) and that, while it is good to communicate your own feelings, it should be done respectfully and should never be used as an excuse for unkind behavior. It does sound like maybe she needs some direction in learning empathy and consideration for others. But again, that's not something that comes natural, it is harder for some than others. Not to insult your husband, but I think him giving her the "out" of having a spanking and being done with it was very counterproductive. It sounds like she really needs to learn these lessons and a quick swat isn't going to teach that.

Holly - posted on 11/16/2012

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also... my stepdaughter is 7, my bio daughters aren't hateful like that, they are very supportive and nurturing of each other... it is hard for me to figure out what to do about my stepdaughter, i treat them all the same, and honestly i care about my step daughter a LOT, and it just makes it that much harder not knowing what to do.

Holly - posted on 11/16/2012

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She was fine, no fever, and said she was having a great day when I first picked her up... But then when when she was made to make an apology letter she was saying that she want feeling good after being made to write her apology letter (which is normal when she doesn't want to do something) After crying so hysterically she was making herself cough which made her almost puke... We have her the next night and she is fine... Feeling fine and jumping rope and hoping and skipping.

Dove - posted on 11/16/2012

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She said she doesn't feel good and she was crying to the point of almost puking.... If it were my house I'd be thinking she could be getting sick.



Of course, I tell my kids to quit singing all the time... they drive me nuts. lol



9 year old girls are pretty moody, self-centered kids (generally speaking, of course). It's the beginning of a rough time for them.... that I hope ends before we all strangle each other.



Sorry, I don't really have advice on how to handle this, but if it helps... she sounds fairly normal to me.

Holly - posted on 11/16/2012

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i guess my question is has anyone else experienced this, and what do you do? this child is IMO extremely self absorbed

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