my teens hate me !!

Michelle - posted on 01/15/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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i am a mom of three an 18 year old boy a 16 year old girl and a 10 year old girl. I raised my two eldest without the help of their biological father and it was sooo hard,he never contributed in any way towards their future's or their expenses.Both of my eldest two have left home at around the same age and it makes me wonder where i went wrong.My son left to be with his dad!!! why is that when they do bugger all to help through the younger years?,he is now in the army and doing nothing but drinking and causing me heart ache,hes argumentative and thinks he is invincible,he is off to afghan in march and this worries me sick.My 16 year ol left home just 1 week before xmas,she got this boyfriend and insisted he come to stay after he was made homless by deffending her! and when the time came that he had to go back to his father she said she would not stay at home without him!! so on the advice of my mum i let her go...BIG MISTAKE!!??.

xmas was hard and i did alot of crying which makes my hubby mad! They are not bad kids but they just seem to put everyone and every thing before family values..IS THIS NORMAL?? i had a hard life growing up..not a fault of my mother but it was very hard..i did rebel but had full resons for the way i acted...they however dont. I am now thinking of emigrating to canada to start a fresh life but i know it will break my heart to leave them both.What can i do they are of age..well one is.

I have no choice but to let them lead their lives the police say she is old enough to make her own decisions now and i can not make her return home!!! Thank god for my little one..she is a little gobby at times but a true blessing she hold me together!!

any advice would be great.. thanks shell.

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Natalie - posted on 01/17/2009

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So sorry to hear you have been having a hard time with your teens.



I have a nearly 15 year old son and half the time we argue, as he just won't listen.



I'm afraid that you may have to let go and let your teens make their own decisions in life.It's probably the only way they will learn what 'real' life is all about.

The more you try to guide them so they don't make mistakes, the worse they will dig their heels in and resent you.

Hopefully, later on in their lives they will realise how important you are to them and want a happy relationship with you.

This will all take a bit of time unfortunately!!



Good luck!!

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10 Comments

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Erica - posted on 01/06/2012

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To an extent it can be normal for teens to put everything ahead of their family. Kids take family for granted, family will always be there, we are the glue that holds everything together. It is easier said than done, but try not to cry. Take a deep breath and blow out really hardk and remember this was your children's decisions. One day they will realize what a rotten decision they made and call you. But regardless your life has to go on.

JuLeah - posted on 12/15/2010

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Teens are hard hard to deal with. Some are focused and wish to do well within the society they were raised. Some wish to find their own way and make BIG mistakes. Most figure out who they are and work it out.
You do have to let them go. They don't hate you. They love you. They are caught up in their own lives, self involved, lack empathy for others, very very young, and have a few hard knock in their future.
I am not sure what 'normal' is, but it is what is happening. I am sorry it is so hard. Kids know where home is and they will find their way back.

Megan - posted on 12/15/2010

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For your oldest going to his father, think about it this way. Mom has rules, structure, expectations. Dad has fun, probably fewer rules, and since he has been out of the loop, lower or no preconceived expectations. Who would you want to live with? Especially as a know it all teen (and we have to admit we all were those at least at times). Eventually he will realize that his father is not a support system and come back to you (because that's what REAL parents are for). Your daughter may be something similar. I have no idea where you live, but here you, as the parent, have to sign paperwork, or the teen has to take you to court, to get emancipated.

Chelsea - posted on 12/15/2010

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i sympathise with you on this honey, i gave my mum alot of crap when i was 16, and i know sometimes she hated me for it. moved out straight after school to be with my ex and after less than a year turned up at home pregnant, my mum went mad at me. i knew she loved me just like deep down your kids know you love them but if they dont make their own mistakes then they will resent you. i now have a 3 and 2 yr old and am dreading the day they go but i will know ive tried to do the right thing by them.
keep your head held high and remember that YOU raised them the best YOU could. they may not appreciate it now like i didnt but when they become parents they will, trust me, i did

Michelle - posted on 01/22/2009

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thanks for all the GREAT!!! advice guys..it actually brought a tear to my eye's,just knowing there are other parents suffering the same as me,makes me realise that all us moms cant be wrong...IT HAS TO BE THE KIDS lo!!! i have taken on board all of your comments and shall put all the good advice into practice.

UPDATE: my son has been back in contact,but i feel the main reason is as he goess to afghaan in march!!! more worries!! but at least he took the opportunity to come home to us before he goes.My eldest daughter is now communicating with her gran (who spoils her rotten) but at least i know she is not pregnant or anything of the like!!

your comments really meant the world to me and i thank you all for you taking the time to talk with me xxxxxxx shell

Holly - posted on 01/21/2009

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I am in Nova Scotia Canada and I have a 14 year old girl. The minute she turned 13 we had a really rough time. Without moving she dropped all of her friends (no choice to) and transferred schools. It was rough but we are over the hard time. Hopefully looking forward. It would be hard to leave your kids. Maybe that is what they need, an eye opener. Be there for them, tell them where you will be and if they need you, you will be there for them. Maybe that is the opportunity for them to choose to go with you or stay behind. That might be the answer. I am not GOD but you have to do what is right in your own heart. Chin up. Things will get better.

Sonya - posted on 01/18/2009

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My advice, love them and let them learn...

I had so much anger at my mom for yrs and yrs for doin the "wrong" things. I had to figure it all out w/o her because i wouldnt let her help in any way. I'm 24 now, and finally get along with her after i made myself do councelling a few yrs back. hopefully they can realize eventually that there were reasons u said and did things a certain way for them. if not, it wont be because of the lack of love on your part...but always remember to tell them that u love them!!!

Alison - posted on 01/18/2009

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My heart goes out to you. My oldest daughter gave us hell for years which culminated in her becoming a teen mom at 17. I have been raising him since he was born. All I can tell you is that my husband and I decided that we did our best. We stopped beating ourselves up emotionally. We began to realize that the decisions we made raising our kids where always what we felt was the best choice at the time. We were not and are not perfect but at no time did we do anything to intentionally hurt them. We always had money issues which our daughter always resented us for but now she is living the same life as we and she understands that designer stuff is not so important. At 26 yrs old living with us with her two kids and she still gives us grief. The only reason she is still living with us is that we know that her boys need us and that living alone with her would be very bad for them. As far as you 16 yr old is concerned unfortunately there is no way for you to force her to do anything. She has chosen to live at her boyfriends house. Eventually this relationship should become less attractive to her, him, and his family. Nothing like seeing the real person than when you actually have to live with them full time. Don't sever the lines of communication just sit back and wait. When or if she decides to move home set up some ground rules for behavior and what you want from her. (i.e. curfew, school, work etc) I know you worry about their safety but you also have a younger child who deserves your full attention.

Adrienne - posted on 01/18/2009

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I'm with Natalie on this one. I also have a 15 year old thats becoming impossible to talk to. But they also have to learn "real" life sooner or later. I know its hard but they will come back when they need you. I ran out on my mom as well at 17 and came back because she was right on ALOT. Just be patient and if they need help, they will ask. But other than that, they are now old enough to make their own mistakes. They are not your mistakes to worry about anymore. You did a great job!

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