My ten year old son does NOT listen to me and cries about everything like a two year old, how do I get him to stop and listen to me?

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Tim - posted on 01/17/2013

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I know I'm not a mom but this looks to be one of the better sites I could find to ask my question.
My 8 year old daughter refuses to listen to me and my wife. She is a model child outside of the house but when she is home with us she will not listen. We can reward her when she listens, discipline when she doesn't, speak nicely, get frustrated and yell and any combination of anything else you can think of but she will not listen. Most of the time it seems as though it's not on purpose. It's like it just isn't in here to do it. We ask her to do a simple task and get her to repeat it back but 30 seconds later when she has gone to do she does something totally different. And sometimes we ask her to do something and she just simply won't do it. We need help. This is affecting the family and marriage in a very bad way.

Laura - posted on 01/28/2009

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My son is 9 years old, and though he's not a crier per se, he is extremely emotional and also independent. The worst thing I can do to him is tell him what to do when he gets up in the morning - total disaster! I don't know if your child behaves this way with everyone, but if you see this behavior in other situations, or if the behavior was present in other ways at a younger age, you might consider seeing a clinical psychologist. Many neurological concerns (e.g., ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder, anxiety, sleep disorders) can have symptoms like you are describing. I suggest this having been through evaluations with my son, who is now being treated for ADHD. He is much more "even keel" when we are managing his condition, and he is much happier, too.

Heather - posted on 01/28/2009

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My son is 11 and super sensitive as well. I found that I tended to baby him especially over small things and I didn't even realize I was doing it. I started to get firmer with him. If he wasn't listening to me I would stop whatever he wanted to do if it were video games or tv and tell him he could sit on the couch until he was ready to listen to me and be calm. It's such an overwhelming age for them...he sometimes says things that are going on in his brain that I can't believe he is worried about. I try to make a big effort to listen to him as well and reiterate to him that he can say anything to me...patience is key but it isn't easy hang in there :)

Chris - posted on 01/29/2009

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My 11 year son acts exactly the same.  I used to let it bother me but not any more.  If I need him to do something then I ask nicely. If he starts to cry about it then I just point to his room, not a word said, and he goes off crying and moaning all the way.  It only takes a few minutes and he's back out again, apologises and does what he's told.  Slowly, he's started to realise that things get done a lot quicker when he doesn't moan about it.  Things have gotten easier.  Little responsibilities also help, and a lot of praise for even the smallest of things.  I thank him for every good thing he does, from taking his plate to the kitchen to tidying his room.

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Taahirah - posted on 01/29/2009

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Quoting Megan:

i would tell him that i will not talk to you till you act your age ...


hey there, I'm by no means an expert, but not talking to a child is a form of emotional blackmail. Regardless of the immediate result (wether it works or not), the long-term effects may be distructive. That is an adult punishment for adults. Children need to like you say "act their age" and not be drawn into emotional situations they are not even able to put words to. They have enough going on as it is. At that age, they are pre-teen, not fitting into any category really, and their emotional state is the same. They're too big for certain things but too little for others. As one mom has said - perhaps just some individual one-on-one is the best remedy. But remember, you first have to undo what you've already allowed him to get away with!

Melinda - posted on 01/28/2009

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don't call him a two year old just call him silly and don't show that bothers you hell keep doing it take somthinfg away and do the counting it works my kids really try to listen just tell him it is importent to listen to me...

Shayla - posted on 01/28/2009

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Well it's like the Nanny Kind of. I think first you have to sit him down and ask what is wrong. It might be school or anything. If it doesn't get better then you have to start setting limits and staying consistent with them. Add consequences if the whinning continues. DO NOT YELL at him just give 3 warnings and a consequence. Its all about setting limits, boundaries, and being consistent. Let me know what happens.

Jamie - posted on 01/28/2009

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A great book that I recommend to you is 'to train up a child' by Micheal Pearl

Jennifer - posted on 01/28/2009

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I just finished Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman and it's great!



One of his tips is B doesn't happen until A is finished. If the child is supposed to take the garbage out and doesn't, then later asks to go to a friends say no (in  a matter of fact way - no getting into reasoning.)  Your child will be shocked and hopefully remember next time.



Once your child knows you mean business things will change.



Basically he says, tell them(calmly), turn your back and walk away
It sounds simple and maybe harsh but the book explains it in more detail and i think  a lot of parents could identify with what other parents wrote in about and how the book helped them.  The first part of the book tells about how to change.  The last part of the book talks about specific topics such as allowance, homework, staying in bed, etc.



 

Caity - posted on 01/28/2009

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I'm a huge fan of all the supernanny techniques. I was a nanny prior to my children and I used all her techniques while being a nanny and now with my children and they work wonders. She has a book, or simply watch the show. It's fantastic.

[deleted account]

My son used to do that too. His problem was he had environmental sensitivities. I recommend the group NAET Allergy Treatments. The difference in my son was nothing short of REMARKABLE. I also read the book 123 Magic and I found some techniques helpful but after the treatments he got for his sensitivities we didn't need them. Has your son been diagnosed with any Spectrum Disorder? Just out of curiosity. I would be happy to give more information if you are interested. In the group NAET Allergy Treatments you will find MANY people that were helped by the treatments.

Jackie - posted on 01/28/2009

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I agree with Paisley...I use that ( 1,2,3,) with my very stubborn strongminded 3 1/2 year old, and it has been working great.  I defininately think time-outs & the taking away of fun activities  and toys would be a good option at that age.  Good luck

Jennifer - posted on 01/28/2009

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I have a 10 year old too. Part of it I think is their age. Trying to assert their independance or want of some form of control. The other is A) needing more undevided attention, B) over tired. I found that making him sleep longer or go to bed earlier really helped. I didn't realize he needed more attention, I truely felt like I was giving him a lot, until we sat down one day , alone , just the two of us. We started talking just about casual things , what he liked , stuff like that, and it came out that he wanted more time. I finally got him to tell me, Hey mom, I need you to stop and really be with me. It's helped a lot. Good luck, I know this age is hard.

Jennifer - posted on 01/28/2009

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Have a few tihngs set up that he is responsible for, certain light chores, etc. Have a reward at the end of the day, week, whathaveyou for good behavior. Be very clear on what you expect and be very consistent with him with consequences and also with praise for a job well done. If he does nothing then he loses tv time or game time or whatever...If he does what he is asked then he get s a reward....maybe let him chose what's for dinner one night or give him an afternoon at his favorite place, maybe the movies, etc.. If he is having trouble at school then maybe look into talking to his teacher and your pediatrician. There could be something bothering him, like his eyesight or reading ability...

Paisley - posted on 01/28/2009

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Obviously, this is way more complicated than just a few lines of advice, but I love the book 1,2,3 Magic. It worked wonders with my kids and you see results very quickly. You just have to stay consistent.

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