need help friendship in trouble

Barbie - posted on 04/03/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD AND A 1 YEAR OLD. MY 3 YEAR OLD HAS A BEST BEYOND BESTEST FRIEND. HE LOVES THIS FRIEND LIKE A BROTHER. THEY GREW UP TOGETHER FROM BABIES. BUT NOW THAT HIS FRIEND IS GETTING OLDER IM FACED WITH A TOUGH DECISION AS A MOM. HIS FRIEND IS HITTING AND TELLING MY SON THAT HE DONT LIKE HIM (MAKING MY SON CRY) NOT TO MENTION THE FRIEND THROW SEVERAL TEMPER TANTRAMS DAILY. NOT ONLY AM I AFRAID THAT MY1 YEAR OLD WILL PICK UP THE TANTRUMS BUT I HATE TO SEE MY SON SO UPSET AT HIS FRIEND. NOW I HAVE TALKED TO THE MOM AND SHE SAYS SHE DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. BUT WHEN IM AROUND THEM I FEEL AS THOU I NEED TO PARENT MY KIDS AND HERS AND I DONT THINK THATS FAIR TO ME. SHE DONT SEEM TO MIND ME PARENTING HER SON. I GUESS I JUST WISH SHE HAD MORE CONTROL OVER HER SON. I LOVE THEM BOTH AND WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT THIS WITHOUT HURT FEELINGS. DO I CONTINUE TO KEEP MY KIDS AWAY (HURTING BOTH BOYS) OR WHAT? I DONT WANT MY KIDS ACTING LIKE THAT.

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Joy - posted on 04/03/2009

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okay I will repy. take my advice with a grain of salt, if it helps cool.



You cant not control who your childs friends are when they are at school, church or at someone elses house. When they are older is what I am getting at. But right now, you have the luxury of controlling his enviroment!!! Take advantage of this time, put your babies around ppl you trust and feel okay with. This mom doesnt know what to do, she will not come up with the solution and you talk to her about it, so you really gave her a chance. So what I would do is gently phase the time spent with your childs bf, to somewhere else. Perhap you can find a mommie club: many churches offer something, Your child not seeing this friend except every few months will make play times let fight-times. I'm sure the little boy is going through a phase or something but you should not feel obligated to allow him to take it out on your kiddos. i hope i made sense to you. hope this helps you in your decision process.

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Heather - posted on 04/03/2009

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Quoting Kathi:



Kids go through stages and some friendships withstand it and others don't. You need to do what you feel is best for your sons wellbeing. If you are consistant in your parenting, neither of your children should "pick up" the bad behavior exhibited by the other children.That being said, the other mother may be allowing you to step in so that she can learn from your example. If you are able to talk with her about the situation, see if she would be open to some suggestions.






 If you can speak with your sons friend, tell him that if he continues to behave this way then he may not play with his best friend (your son) because the way he behaves is hurtful to him. See if you can get him to understand that it is not OK to hurt his friends. This may have to be repeated a few times. If after you say it to him, he continues to act out or hit your son, say "Well, now we have to leave because you are not playing nicely. We can try again another day". Then take your children home or to another park/place to play and remember to also talk with your son and reassure him that he is not the reason you have to leave.






I totlaly agree with Kathi.  This is the most adult and appropriate way to assess the situaiton. 

Emily - posted on 04/03/2009

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Quoting Kathi:



Kids go through stages and some friendships withstand it and others don't. You need to do what you feel is best for your sons wellbeing. If you are consistant in your parenting, neither of your children should "pick up" the bad behavior exhibited by the other children.That being said, the other mother may be allowing you to step in so that she can learn from your example. If you are able to talk with her about the situation, see if she would be open to some suggestions.






 If you can speak with your sons friend, tell him that if he continues to behave this way then he may not play with his best friend (your son) because the way he behaves is hurtful to him. See if you can get him to understand that it is not OK to hurt his friends. This may have to be repeated a few times. If after you say it to him, he continues to act out or hit your son, say "Well, now we have to leave because you are not playing nicely. We can try again another day". Then take your children home or to another park/place to play and remember to also talk with your son and reassure him that he is not the reason you have to leave.





This is what I tried to say but she did it much more eloquently. I think it bears repeating.

Emily - posted on 04/03/2009

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To be honest it sounds like typical three year old behavior, some have really bad tantrums. Some learn empahty later than others.  your one year old is going to throw them regardless of what this other child does. When other children act in ways that I find inappropriate I tell my daughter point blank that behiavior like that is unacceptable. She understands.  If they hurt my children I tell them in a soft but firm voice, "That hurts I will not allow you to hurt my child. " Get on the same page as the mom, let her know your concerns. If you need to cut the play date short because of his hitting or name calling so be it. She should be strong enough to do the same.

[deleted account]

Kids go through stages and some friendships withstand it and others don't. You need to do what you feel is best for your sons wellbeing. If you are consistant in your parenting, neither of your children should "pick up" the bad behavior exhibited by the other children.That being said, the other mother may be allowing you to step in so that she can learn from your example. If you are able to talk with her about the situation, see if she would be open to some suggestions.



 If you can speak with your sons friend, tell him that if he continues to behave this way then he may not play with his best friend (your son) because the way he behaves is hurtful to him. See if you can get him to understand that it is not OK to hurt his friends. This may have to be repeated a few times. If after you say it to him, he continues to act out or hit your son, say "Well, now we have to leave because you are not playing nicely. We can try again another day". Then take your children home or to another park/place to play and remember to also talk with your son and reassure him that he is not the reason you have to leave.

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