need help - husband and my child constantly fight

Cherilyn - posted on 09/29/2009 ( 49 moms have responded )

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Can anybody give me any suggestions. I am loosing my mind. All their fighting is making me sick but they can't see that!! They can't seem to get along for more then 1 hr at a time. I married my love in July. and my 15 yr old daughter seemed to get along with him fairly well, she told people she liked him, and she was happy for me. After we got married, they've done nothing but fight. I've gotten the two of them to sit down and we had a family discussion and I let each of them talk without the other interrupting. It worked for about a week but now it is worse then it was before. He is constantly giving her trouble for stuff and she is constantly yelling back. They are putting me in the middle and expecting me to take their side. I explain to each of them that I only agree with part of what they are doing/saying, like, yes I agree she shouldn't have done that but you could have said it differently to her. He doesn't get it! Neither of them want to listen to my suggestions. They say why should I treat her/him better then they treat me. I tell them to treat that person the way u want to be treated. Their response is, I did but they still treated me like shit so why should I. It has gotten so bad that I refuse to listen when they talk about the other one. Nobody listens to me anymore, they just keep on complaining!!!!! No matter what I say or do! I want to just leave and make the 2 of them be alone together but I'm afraid of it getting worse. I raised my daughter on my own for 15 years and understand that she is not used to listening to a father figure but that is no excuse for any of this. I try and tell him how to talk to her where this arguing wouldn't follow but he doesn't or won't even try to understand. Please, any advise would be welcome. As I am sooo drained by it all, I have no energy to do anything and just feel like staying in bed when the 2 of them are at home!!!!! Please help.... and by the way, I know he wouldn't go to councelling!!!!!! Probably not even if I threatened to leave him!!!!

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[deleted account]

She's fifteen. That explains a lot. And he should know better. Why do so many men try to control women? I would tell him to back off and let her make her own mistakes- that's how we become functioning adults - and tell her that this man is part of your family now and she's going to have to get it together. And, hey, I fought with my father when I was fifteen, if it's any conciliation.

Michele - posted on 09/29/2009

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My husband and son fight alot and I am in the middle. My husband believes children should be seen and not heard...he is also a "do as I say, not as I do type of guy". My husband can pick non stop on our son for every little thing but its ok for him to do the same thing. I too get frustrated and concerned that he is going to alienate our son...I have come to the conclusion that one day he will regret it. I tend to over compensate with our son to make up for the nagging etc. I have had to start changing my ways. I have sat down with our son and explained that his Dad has an illness (bipolar-with severe mood swings) and that sometimes he says/ does things that he really doesn't like to do. I have explained that he is not always going to like the rules...but he still has a responsibility to listen, to obey and be respectful. No matter what. I have tried explaining to my husband that the constant nagging is only causing our son to ignore him and since he figures he is in trouble no matter what he will go ahead and do what he wants. I have explained to him that if he changed his approach he would get more respect and obedience from our son. We are all going for counselling at this time. In order for it to work though...we have to be willing to change what we are doing wrong.

Your daughter is at an age where she is changing emotionally. On one hand she is still a child and on the other she is wanting to become an adult. Hopefully your husband can remember what its like to be 15, altho it is different for boys and girls there still is a desire for independance. I believe that if we want respect from our kids we need to demonstrate it for them. I hope you can get the counselling and that it helps.

KAMA - posted on 09/29/2009

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WOW I AM IN THE SAME SITUATION AND HE IS HER FATHER. MY DAUGHTER IS 13 AND HER AND HER FATHER ARE BOTH STUBBORN I WANU BE RIGHT PEOPLE. I JUST GET SICK OF IT AND I ACTUALLY MAKE A POINT OF THEM DOING THINGS ALONE TOGETHER. THEY CANT EVEN PLAY A BOARDGAME WITHOUT ONE OF THEM HAVING A FIT. WELL ALL I CAN SAY IS LET THEM GO FOR IT, ONE OR THE OTHER WILL GET TIRED OF IT, ITS A BATTLE OF WILLS AND YOUR DAUGHTER IS FIGHTING FOR YOUR ATTENTION THAT YOURE GIVING TO YOUR HUSBAND. ITS A ROUGH ROAD AND WELL, COUNSELLING WONT WORK, MAYBE FINDING OUT SOMETHING THAT THEY BOTH SHARE AN INTEREST IN MYT HELP

Ana - posted on 09/29/2009

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Hi Cherilyn,
My husband has two children from a previous marriage & so do I. They're ages are 10, 11, 12, & 13. They're so close in age and in constant competition. We agreed from the start that as adults, we will not argue with a child (them). We also agreed to be a united front - a team (he & I). This helps us a lot with the hormones and emotional bursts. It's not fool proof but, helps. We tell them they need to calm down & "gain control of them self/selves". We remind them if they cannot control themselves then they are asking for us as parents to step in and help control the situation and them as children (especially since in that moment that is what they are acting like - children). This usually helps with them being able to solve the issue to a positive outcome (since if the outcome ends up being a negative one, they are still asking for the parent to step in and regain control of the situation). Basically, we remind them that we are the adults and alone (away from the kids) from time to time we remind each other to be the adult in the situation - just never in front of one of the children since if they saw or heard that it would be totally demeaning to the other parent. It's hard. Maybe if you ask her if she had a boyfriend and they broke up does she think down the road she'll get another one? Most likely her answer will be yes that of course she is not going to remain alone for the rest of her life. Then remind her, that is all you have done. You're not with her father anymore and you enjoy having a man in your life too. It doesn't subtract from your love for her, it actually adds to it (happiness). And trying to compare or compete with him is trying to add apples to oranges. The two are just completely different. I hope at least one little piece of this helps somehow and you'll have better days in the near future.
I still have hope too,
Ana

It Doesnt - posted on 01/14/2013

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Fucken leave him. If he can't respect your daughter and doesn't even care if ment loosing you then there's no need being with him.. Ya'll are probally both getten on his nerves an he's pretty close to leaven anyways.

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Karla - posted on 11/04/2012

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my 13 year old and my husband his stepfather fight all the time its a war eveyday.my son talks back and he is disrecpetful dont know what to do.we have token him to thearapy meds the whole thing.i get in the middle when they are arguing.its hurts me that they dont get along.i have told them that its both of them.my husband whats thing his way and doesnt back down very passiveagessive.i have threatened to leave him .maybe i need to help my son by leaving.but then what if thats not the answer.i love them both and they are taring me apart.

[deleted account]

Definitely need some counseling. It's not good for your marriage or your relationship with your daughter to be stuck in the middle of their fighting. It sounds like you have tried very hard to bring some peace into your home. Not everyone gets along or sees the other persons side but they need to communicate. See a counselor.

Maggie - posted on 10/18/2009

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I have the same situation as yours but i have 4boys and a husband to content with. My answer is to go away for a while and let your husband fend for your daughter plan things for then to do together, get him to back down and help paint her room ur throw her a sleep over,it does work i promise you as they both will miss you ever time you do it. good luck?

Isabel - posted on 10/18/2009

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I have to say I agree with Melissa. Cherilyn... you are the parent. And your husband can be the male figure of the house, but not the father figure. I do not mean that he cannot become the father figure, but just like bringing a child into the world does not make you a parent, being your mother's husband does not make him the father. He has to earn her respect. I saw how a stepmother put herself as the dominant parent in the house and tore the family apart in our situation. It can be sad if not handled appropriately. You may feel like you have to take sides, and I have to say, you have to take YOUR side. You know what is best for your child right now, and as Delene stated there are boundaries and rules for the house, not just for your daughter but for your husband as well. Your marriage is fairly recent and this could be just the adjustment period... but you do have to set your ground rules for both of them. I'm sure your daughter listens to you, and your husband respects you enough to know that you will make the right choice for your home. And pray to Jesus that he enlightens you during this troubled times. He always shines the way for us.



God Bless you and Your family. You will pull through

Kathy - posted on 10/04/2009

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Quoting Pam:

Have you actually talked to your daughter on her own and not in a family conference, she may speak to you better if it is one on one. You also have to realise that you have been with your daugther for 15yrs on your own and as bad as it sounds it will so much harder for a child to adjust than an adult. Could it also be that the old syndrome of now we are married I will lay down my rules and you will live with it, some men do change when they get married. Sit down talk to your daughter she is at the worst impressionable period of her life and you need to find out what is bothering her before your news husband. besides she has been around the longest, you need to do thid before she turns on you and at that age it want take much.


  I have the same situation here, your daughter and you need to talk,  she needs to know that you are still on her side and she is number one, which he is and always will be because she is your daughter and always has been number one.



 Your new husband also needs to sit down with you and you need or it will be in your best interest to tell him that you will deal with her as your daughter and that you would like his input but it is better for you to deal with the big stuff.



We have done this here and it has made things easier but my daughter is trying to manipulate  me, she I believe sub- consciencely hates my husband. 



  I can only hope it will get better, good-luck

Kathy - posted on 10/04/2009

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Quoting Pam:

Have you actually talked to your daughter on her own and not in a family conference, she may speak to you better if it is one on one. You also have to realise that you have been with your daugther for 15yrs on your own and as bad as it sounds it will so much harder for a child to adjust than an adult. Could it also be that the old syndrome of now we are married I will lay down my rules and you will live with it, some men do change when they get married. Sit down talk to your daughter she is at the worst impressionable period of her life and you need to find out what is bothering her before your news husband. besides she has been around the longest, you need to do thid before she turns on you and at that age it want take much.


  I have the same situation here, your daughter and you need to talk,  she needs to know that you are still on her side and she is number one, which he is and always will be because she is your daughter and always has been number one.



 Your new husband also needs to sit down with you and you need or it will be in your best interest to tell him that you will deal with her as your daughter and that you would like his input but it is better for you to deal with the big stuff.



We have done this here and it has made things easier but my daughter is trying to manipulate  me, she I believe sub- consciencely hates my husband. 



  I can only hope it will get better, good-luck

Rachel - posted on 10/02/2009

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I have been in just the same situation myself and one of the thing that I would say was that me and my husband were reading the same book, but on different pages as to our children from previous relationships. I think the first thing that we need to do was sett down a set af ground rules of what was and what wasn't going to be aloud in our home an dthen say down and explained that this was how it was going to be. By us being on the same page and being consistant they could no longer use the you are on their side more than mine as much. My daughter was just use to me being the one that had a say in what she was to do and to chastise her on unacceptable behaviour. The next step was for my husband to do things that they could do together without me, even if I was in the house and they were in the back yard and to also have a family game night even though I am not a bit game player, it did at time end badly as I wonder who was the bigger kid at time and I had to remind my Husband that it was meant to be fun and tha wining was not the issue at times no matter what. It has been a very long process and we have been at it for six years now and though it is not perfect 100% of the time it is alot better than it was even just a few years ago. I hope that it does get better for you and that you can all find a resolution that works for so that you may all be happy, because even though we love and would do anything for our children they also need to realise that we need to live a life for us too......x

Michelle - posted on 10/02/2009

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wow,

i cant believe all these people are living the same life as me!.I JUST KEPT READING DOWN THE LINE AND REALIZED IM NOT ALONE IN THIS BATTLE..

My situation is i moved from maine to fl in 2000 with my three daughters looking for a new start and that is what we found.i found a great guy who would give us the world and accept my already made family...my ex always said id never be able to find that person but i did..the kids loved him and things seemed to be going great until my oldest turned 15 wow thats when it all started..fighting all the time..my girls are 2 yrs apart so it went right down the line.we know have 3 kids together 2 girls ages 6 and 41/2 and a 3wk old son..but the fighting hasnt stopped my oldest is now 21 then 19 and 17...i feel so lost and stuck.. i have tried everything to get them all to get along..when my b-day comes or x-mas they ask what i want and my response is a quiet perfect day..they try real hard but but by the end of the day someone will had said something and all hell breaks loose.i guess i cant give advice but i can assure you you are not alone in this battle..

Ann - posted on 10/02/2009

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I was a stepchild who happened to love her stepfather very much. At first it was hard because nobody cared about what I thought.[I was 12] I had to decide for myself if I liked the idea of another man in our life instead of my dad. I would have loved it if my mother talked to me one on one about the situation,instead of just telling me to get used to it. I think it's a wonderful idea to talk to her. It truly might save some serious teenage trouble you don't need!

Zena - posted on 10/02/2009

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with having 3 teens myself one thing comes to mind.you need to firstly sit him down maybe go out out for tea.you need to tell him this is killing you,you need to remind him he is the aduilt,im not saying the way your teen is acting is right but we are talking teen here but you'll have more luck gettin through to him than any teen trust me,secondly you need to tell him to not take how she is talking to him personaly,thats half most dads problem is they take it so darn personaly,teens are not like they use to be back when we were teens,no respect most of the time but most men live with the idea they should be like we were and thats just not going to happen.its hard when shes had you all to herself but dont make excuses for her,its not exceptable to at least respect you and how your feeling.you should be telling bothg of them,you may not have any respect for each other but at least have some for you.you are what counts remember that and good luck cos its very hard !! been there and have friends going through it,its not something thats going to go away but you can make it at least a little better (good luck and hang in there)

BJ - posted on 10/02/2009

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I have the same problem. I have a 13year old daughter that has been raised by my husband, (he is the stepdad) but has been around since she was 3 years old. They were always really close until she hit her teenage years, now they fuss like brother and sister!!! And I am always stuck in the middle somewhere as well. He will say that I am letting her run all over me but I say that she is a person just like us and deserves to be talked to like one. I do agree that she should do chores and get out of her room to spend time with the family, but I also see why she stays in her room, because she cant get a kind word from her Dad!! He is constantly barking out orders for her to do stuff as soon as he lays his eyes on her!! She comes in from volleyball practice and it starts!!! I too was very sick of it, so I made an appt. with a counselor and MADE EVERY DAMN BODY IN THE FAMILY GO!!! I also have 3 year old twin boys that I have to raise and I refused to have to raise my daughter and my husband AGAIN!! The counselor advised us to spend more time together and to let all the small things go, so pretty much just pick your battles. So, I started thinking of things that my husband and my daughter could do together and MAKE them do it!! But in your case your daughter is 15 which is no excuse, she must realize now that she has a father figure in her life and that there are rules that she has to abide by. But you should also sit down with your husband (away from her) and tell him how you feel and how it's effecting your marriage. I was just fed up with it around my house and plus my husband has a bit of an anger problem so I was afraid of leaving the two of them alone as well. But I have realized that some men JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO A TEENAGER much less a girl!! I know it sounds a little silly, but it's true. Especially if they don't have that "daddys girl" personna going on,they find it diffucult to try and find things to say to a young lady and men cannot understand just how women truly function. But I just told my husband that it's not really counseling it's going to a healthy relationship clinic that really on gets you to talk about the things that are going on in your life. And sometimes that's all it takes, is just talking to someone and getting it off your chest, and also someone other than you (spouse) would be telling him that it's not a healthy way for a child to grow up nor is it good for your marriage. I hope my experience gives you some kind of insight and there is some hope. Your not alone dear!!

Leeyeng - posted on 10/01/2009

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All I do when I face obstacles in my home is recognize who is in control, I made Jesus had of my life an my home so I give him each an every problem I face!!!Be Blessed!

Felicia - posted on 10/01/2009

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I bet when you were alone with your daughter you allowed her to discuss with you when she didn't agree with something? I will also bet your husband feels like she is being disrespectful when she talks back. My husband and 3 daughters were the same way. The girls and I always had discussion where my husband had no discussion, his word was final. The girls learned to just say yes sir and no sir. They never ask his permission for anything they always came to me. If it was something I wasn't sure about I'd say go ask your dad and if he says yes then you can. 9 times out of 10 they didn't want to upset him so they would just let it drop. Today they are all mothers and happily married. They all also have a very, very close relationship with their father. I think their relationships were saved when all the fighting went away. By the way my husband and I have been married 35 years. After the girls were grown I told him why they stopped asking him for permission and he said it was a great desission becouse now they ask for his advice all the time.

Felicia - posted on 10/01/2009

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Why in the world would you marry someone when you know he won't go counceling?

Rhonda - posted on 10/01/2009

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First of all- always remember, that no matter what our children will always come first.. now this is not to say, that youre daughter is always right, but that does not mean that she is always wrong either.. First of all, youre husband should be the adult hear. when i got divorced, and i was dating someone, i had one that lived with me.. if he had a problem with my kids, he came to me first and we went to my children togather. my ex and i discussed this beforehand, and we decided that it was not the significate others place to take a roll in the parenting of our children.. i would not allow my honey to yell at my children, if he wanted to be involved in their lives in a possitive manner and do things with them and teach them new experiences, that was fine, but under no circumstances was he the one to yell at them, ground them, touch them in any manner. in turn, if my children were upset or pissed off at him for any reason, they were able to come talk to me, or to him , but if it was going to be a screaming match, that is where i stepped in. You need to set down your new husband, and explain to him, that to get respect you have to give respect, and they are not respecting each other by screaming at one another.. this talk should have taken place way before you decided to get married, i do not understand why your new husband feels he has the right , to scream at anyone, including you. He does not sound like a very mature individial to me. the problems with this man, may lie alot deeper than holloring at your daughter, beware u may just be seeing the tip of the iceburg.........

[deleted account]

I just read your second post. Well, it sounds like you are dealing with more than just a step-parenting issue here. If your husband is an alcoholic and not in a recovery program, either AA or through his church, etc. then you are asking your daughter to accept behaviors and be treated in a manner she should not tolerate. You are her mother and are responsible for her welfare and your own. Why are you tolerating his behavior? Think about what you are teaching your daughter for her future relationships with men? I would encourage you to seek out Al-Anon or some counseling for yourself and see if things get better.

[deleted account]

My dad raised me and my brother for 8 years after my mom died. He remarried when I was 13 years old. I had been the center of attention, the only female in the house my whole life as I knew it. Then, here comes this outsider who suddenly has authority over me just because she married my father? She hadn't earned it. She also hadn't gone through the years learning about me or how to interact effectively with me, a teenager. Your daughter probably feels like she is being replaced and she is defending her territory. I would suggest that your husband take a big step back on "parenting" her. She is loyal to you and will act out partly because that is what kids do to separate themselves as individuals from their parents at her age, but also because she is testing your loyalty to her now that this other person is there. Your daughter should not be allowed to treat you or your husband disrespectfully but she should be encouraged to express her fears. Your husband is not her father just because you married him. How would you feel if one of her friend's parents decided to start disciplining her and making decisions for her life? She also needs some time with you each week, just you and her. Make a point of defining that time, whether it is an hour or a whole day, as you and your daughter's special time together. I am a step mother now but I am lucky in that my step son has no memories of life without me. He had just turned two when I met my husband so I don't have the struggles that someone does when they marry into an already established family. Good luck and encourage your husband to talk to some other stepparents.

Raquel - posted on 09/30/2009

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Try to talk to them one by one, to tell them what you feel & then if they understand you then try to talk again a conversation as a family. And the best thing is to pray to God that he will gve you wisdom & knowledge how to settle that. Don't worry nothing is imposible to God. God bless you & your framily always

Althea - posted on 09/30/2009

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All of the responses I have read say the same thing basically, Pray, talk to each alone,

Adult be an adult, child stay in a child's place. yes I too have been throught this. 15yr olds are hard yrs and being with the mother or father only for that many years is hard

for them to see the other with some else permanently. The husband/or wife will need to

want to get along with the child and therefore not give up. You can't help being in the middle because the man you love and the child you love are not getting along. And that

effects you, and the home in which suppose to be a safe haven from the outside world.

If your husband and child love you then they can come up with some kind of truce.

trust me, things will get better maybe not right away but at least you can have some sort of peace in the house. To keep me sane during all this was knowing that this too will past! will keep you in my prayers also!

Robin - posted on 09/30/2009

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I too have a 15 year old daughter and have been married to my husband for 11 1/2 years . They have had their disagreements and I do understand where you are coming from completely. You are doing the right thing by speaking to them both. Your husband has to remember that he is the adult and even though she is a teenager ,she is still the child. Sounds like he is trying to rule with an iron fist and that normally doesn't work so well with teens and step parents , at least from my experience. In a perfect world your daughter would simply listen and do what her step father says but this isn't a perfect world. See if you can get them to talk to one another about how they make one another feel when they argue ,communication is very important I feel between family members. Sounds like neither one of them respect the other. I hope something I've said helps , I will keep you and your family in my prays and hope you can keep your sanity throughout this journey your family is going through.

Denise - posted on 09/30/2009

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I was in a similar situation, a number of years ago. My girls were younger at the time. We did see a counsellor and the advice that worked for us, was for the step parent to back off and not try to suddenly be a parent. Step parents can and do eventually become a parent figure to most kids, but it takes a long time and needs to be very gradual. Perhaps your husband should stop trying to parent and just support you in parenting for the time being. Gradually he can develop a relationship with your dtr and as trust develops, he can take on some parenting roles, but being that she is already a teenager, this is already a difficult time in her life and this is going to be slow going.

Good luck

Rachel - posted on 09/30/2009

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Very difficult situation, I had the same in our home and felt my role was the mediator. Strongly suggest family counseling, especially for your husband in learning to deal with a teenage girl and how to handle situations. Easy said than done. I feel for you, my daughter now is 22 and I still hear and deal with opinions from my husband in regards to her.

Liz - posted on 09/30/2009

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Hiya, You really are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, you love your new husband and you love your daughter but she is used to being on her own with you, now someone else is in the house things have changed for her. She is at an age though where they go to bed one night then get up next morning after having turned into Kevin and Perry. I don't envy you because you are being put in a horrid position. You have sat them both down and talked to them but like you said it was ok for a week. Why don't you write them both a letter telling them exactly how you feel and that you can't cope with it. Ask your husband to read a book about being a step parent, that in itself is not an easy job, he will feel resentment towards you to if he feels you are not standing by him. He has to be made to see that all relationships take time to work if he loves you then he has to try and see things from your point of view. Your daughter has to respect the fact that you married this guy, she might feel pushed out after all she's had you to herself but she is old enough to understand what this situation is doing to you she is also going to resent being told what to do by this guy and that is what he has to understand. They are going to make you ill if they don't resolve this problem. I wish you All The Luck in the World

Dawn - posted on 09/30/2009

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He is the adult, it is his job to provide a supportive home for you and your child. You should to tell him, that as the adult he needs to stop this fighting. She is gong through lots of changes at this time. The way you both treat her tells her how much value she has in the world. It is really hard to have a 15yr old but that means your time to influnce her is coming to an end. Hang in there, it is so worth it.

Cherilyn - posted on 09/30/2009

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Thank you everybody for the great ideas. I know I left out some important info that some of u have been making me think about in ur responses. Yes he has 2 kids from previous marriage. 1 is in his 20s the other is 19. He raised them both on his own for awhile. He was an alcoholic back then and his wife was heavily into drugs. Anyway, there was alot of problems. He quit drinking and hasn't touched a drop in almost 4 years. His kids didn't like the new dad and don't have anything to do with him, and he has not seen his 2 grandchildren which I know hurts him alot. They also don't like me but will not tell us why(they never even got to know me as they stopped talking to him after only dating me for 2 weeks) They are throwing everything he every did bad to them when he was drunk in his face and doesn't stop and realize it was because of them he quit drinking. Anyway, he keeps comparing my daughter to his and they are nothing alike. She slept around since she was 13, always had males in the house, never listened, etc................. My daughter is very mature for her age! She has never had guys over.She has seen alot that I have been through. She has a very good head on her shoulders. Anyway, he gives her trouble for the stupidest little things, like - no singing to urself in the house(she wears her MP4 while doing dishes or being on computer and sings quietly to self). I can barely hear her but he yells at her to stop. I don't agree with it and I have let him know this. Other stupid little things, I have let him know in private that there is nothing wrong with it or we discuss why he is yelling at her for something. Then we get into a fight over it because he doesn't want to listen to what I think and all he says is that I'm always on her side and he's always wrong. He doesn't listen when I tell him how the rules where for 15 yrs. He expects everything to be his way with no leeway. I've talked to her too and she just feels like she can do no right as he is always giving her trouble. Then if I blow up at them or say my peace, he gives her the silent treatment. He acts more like a child then she does and when I try to get him to see it from my point and stuff, I am wrong. I told them the other night at their last fight that they are hurting me by fighting all the time. It is what is making me so sick(yes, I am very sick right now) as all their fighting has worn my out. My daughter is trying her best to be nice to him but all he does is ignore her. That can't seem to be nice to each other at the same time.
Yes, I do have my time alone with both of them right now. My daughter gets home at 3:20 from school and talks about her day at school and stuff. We are very close and she tells me alot of things I don't really care about knowing but I don't stop her as I want her to realize she can talk to me about anything. I would never have talked to my mother about half the things she tells me. My husband doesn't get home until anytime between 5:45 and 8:30 depending on if he is working his second job or not. If he is home for supper, it is his time to talk about his day. My daughter goes to bed at 8 as she gets up at 5:30. And my husband goes to bed at 9, so we have 1 hr of alone time to talk or just sit together. I make sure I have time for both. Or I will go to my husbands second job with him. Atleast we are spending time together. Anyway, I think it is time for another family meeting as I can't do this anymore. It has been about 8 months since we had one. I'm taking some of ur opinions and see what happens. thank u all.

Gale - posted on 09/30/2009

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I think teenage girs can be difficult at the best of times. It will take a period of time to get each used to the other. Blended families are never easy. Being the mother of 5 -- 3 of whom are girls I know. They do grow up and mature but sometimes personalities can class. Remember who is the adult and who is the child. Your new hubby might have to suck it up for a while. He's not the one to rebel and have the raging hormones. Hang in there, it will get better.

Princess - posted on 09/29/2009

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This sounds familiar yup my family my mother had just stopped listening to the both of us and we came around when we noticed the pain we were putting her in and we became the best of friends

Cathy - posted on 09/29/2009

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well there was something wrong at the beginning....somebody was not telling the truth....probly ur daughter cuz she wanted u to b happy...and was looking forward to u {you } being happy...she has some issues w your new hubby that she wasn't honest about....and I'm thinkin the same goes for him...he wasn't honest either....u got tough roads ahead girl...sit them down and U be the counslier....face to face...but have a meadiater there...someone who can see both sides !..Good luck..

Theresa Ann - posted on 09/29/2009

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The most important thing is that your husband be the adult. That the two of you stick together issues. It is hard for teens anyway if they do not want or respect a parent or step parent they most likey will have a hard time recieving from them. Try to see both sides and dont get in the middle. The adult needs to be the adult.

Jan - posted on 09/29/2009

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Hi, you dont say whether or not he has any kids from previous relationships, but I assume he has'nt. He probably is'nt ready to take on the roll of Dad yet, but must learn quickly in order to salvage this relationship. Perhaps you have a relative or friend who can speak to them & try & make them see sense. I wish you luck. xx

Shirette - posted on 09/29/2009

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I agree with the majority of the answers you have been given, there is unfortunately no easy way, you have to figure out what fits your situation best. However, i must add you do need to stress to your daughter that she needs to respect her step-father as any adult that is helping to provide and care for her and her well-being. Also, if he is nit-picking to cause problems you need to let him know that will not be accepted either. I do have a question? how long were you guys together before getting married? and what changed after the vows and rings, you stated your daughter liked him and they got along well before hand.

Melissa - posted on 09/29/2009

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I was a step parent at one time so I know how difficult it can be to help in raising someone elses child. In my situation I let him do the disciplining because he was her father. If she did something while I was watching her and her dad wasn't around I would just tell her that the behavior was inappropriate and that if she didn't stop that I would discuss it with her father and he would do what was necessary. It was a lot easier that way than stressing myself out.

Pamela - posted on 09/29/2009

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May sound too simple, but have you tried praying? Asking the universe to help you see how to better respond and asking the universe to aide the two of them in getting along and learning to love one another.

It appears that there may be some jealousy that motivates your daughter's actions. After all, she has had you to herself for 15 years and may SUBCONSCIOUSLY be unwilling to share you with your new husband. There may also be some energies here that reflect your feeling hat you have "done your job" as a single Mom and now it is your turn to enjoy a relationship. This would make your daughter feel insecure as though she is now at a point of developing her own self and relationships (boyfriends included) she is still very vulnerable and so may feel that she needs your attention.

So, try this, set a time schedule where each of them gets your UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. This may well be the root of the problem....each of them unconsciously vying for your attention as daughter and lover....even if they must FIGHT to get it.

Hope it works.

Clare - posted on 09/29/2009

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My sister was in the exact same situation and I think part of the problem was that her husband first of all, didn't have exactly a good father figure himself and isn't the type of person to learn from past mistakes. He also had a very hard time dealing with a teenager and nagged hy nephew about everything. If he didn't jump right to it whenever something was asked he went crazy.
Just keep in mind that you have been with your daughter her whole life and have come to know her in and outs and what makes her tick. If your husband has never had any experience with teenagers, he is probably having a hard time because unfortunately, he joined the family at the hardest time of a person's life--teenage years. Another possibility is that maybe your daughter was so used to having you all to herself that she is having a hard time sharing you. As much as we humans want happiness for others, there is always some subconscious feelings that evolve in crazy ways, maybe this is part of what is happening with your daughter. Maybe you and your daughter need to have some girl time (I know, with teenage girls not always easy) but worth a try. As others have suggested is talking one on one with both of them and seeing what they will tell you without the other around. But whatever you do, get to your daughter before she stops communicating with you because after a while, my nephew stopped telling my sister how he felt because he didn't think it was worth it after awhile. Good luck and I pray that everything turns out positively. Congratulations on finding the love of your life though ;)

Tucker - posted on 09/29/2009

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You are in a very bad situation. I understand all too well. Just by what you have said, it seems like your husband is doing alot of nit-picking. He is the adult and he needs to act like it. Your child has had you to herself for 15 yrs and doesnt want to share you. And the more you take up for your child, the more your husband will resent you and your daughter. He obviously doesnt have any children. My advice to you is coming from a christian stand point and it is this: If your husband doesnt get a grip on how he speaks and disciplines your daughter, she will never have any respect for him and her relationship with you will deteriorate. It has happened to me. If he doesnt act like a mature, encouraging, uplifting and kind father then you will never have peace in your home. As for your daughter, you should tell her that even if she doesnt have any respect for her stepfather, she still has to show respect for him because he is an adult and the head of the home. Make sure that you take time for her and for him alone. The only thing that will get you through this is prayer and seeking the Lord Jesus. If he is not the type to go to counseling, then start praying that he will change his mind. I promise you, PRAYER WORKS.

Megan - posted on 09/29/2009

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To put it simply, you are mom, therefore you do the parenting. As stepdad, his job is only to back you up. He shouldn't be put in the position to parent her or punish her. As a stepmom myself, I have found this helps.

Teresa - posted on 09/29/2009

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Hi Cherliyn,
When I was reading this it was almost like reading about my own life the only difference is that my 12 yr old son and my husband are the ones doing the fighting. When I married my husband my son also said he liked him and then everything went down hill they fight and argue constantly. We actually did go to counseling but it didnt help I am always stuck in the middle but have found nothing that helps. Finally i did tell my son that I dont care if you dont like him you will at least treat him with respect although I must say that didnt help either. If you find an answer please share.

Pam - posted on 09/29/2009

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Have you actually talked to your daughter on her own and not in a family conference, she may speak to you better if it is one on one. You also have to realise that you have been with your daugther for 15yrs on your own and as bad as it sounds it will so much harder for a child to adjust than an adult. Could it also be that the old syndrome of now we are married I will lay down my rules and you will live with it, some men do change when they get married. Sit down talk to your daughter she is at the worst impressionable period of her life and you need to find out what is bothering her before your news husband. besides she has been around the longest, you need to do thid before she turns on you and at that age it want take much.

[deleted account]

Hi Cherilyn, I sympathise totally!!! I am mother of now 8 but when I met my partner 4 years ago I had been raising 6 children on my own and I came across the same thing my kids all absolutely adored my man until they become teens (I swear 15 is the age they meet their demons) They still love him to death but argue with any kind of authority he delivers upon them my now 17 year old gave him a hell of a time and like your man < Rob got defensive and gave the same attitude back it sends me insane, sometimes I just want to hide like you said and funny enough as I was reading what you have wrote I was thinking the same thing leave them alone for a bit and come back when you think they have cooled down!!! I A lot of people wont do counselling and as far as kids are concerned (well 15 yr olds) they will say what they think anyone wants to hear at the time if placed in that situation anyways.
Have you tried each time they do start to argue just getting up and telling them you will be back when they are acting more civilized? Im not saying this will absolutely work but its worth a try.
My kids are great for a long time most of the arguments start over a child disrespecting me and its nice to have him demand that respect but it drives me nuts when it turns to such a dramatic outburst.
Letting them both know it hurts you to see them treating one another this (that) way and that you wont stand and watch it may just work let them know you love them both and you will be back when they both stop disresppecting you ! Hope you work through this Im sure it will settle down xxxx Best of luck with it all

Delene - posted on 09/29/2009

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Bottom line... the rules for living in your household need to be outlined (maybe even in writing) so there is no question about anything. The consequences for not following the rules also need to be outlined so they are crystal clear, and if and when she falls outside of these boundaries you need to discuss it with her and be sure to implement the already in place consequences (no tv, no computer, grounding etc... ). Your daughter is feeling resentful that this total stranger is coming into her house and telling her what to do, as anyone would feel. By creating the rules before hand it takes any kids of disciplinary role away from your hubby and puts all the responsibility onto your daughter... although it will be Mom's job to police it. Hubby needs to come to you about her actions and express to you what he would like to see happen and then you two together can figure out what's best for the family... but technically you need to be the spokes person when discipling. Which will ultimately take pressure off of both of them and allow for a friendship to develop.



The rule of thumb when blending families is to allow the parents child to do all the dicsiplining... unless the step parent was involved since birth.... otherwise it's up to the biological parent to be the bad guy and not the step parent, for at least the first 5 years anyways.



And when creating the house rules and consequences, do involve your daughter in helping to create them, allow her voice to be heard too, she'll feel she's a part of the team and not pushed aside. Also I find kids will create harsher consequences for themselves than we as parents do. Good Luck to you...!

Teresa - posted on 09/29/2009

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Hi Cherilyn, I am sorry you are having such a horrible time right now as this should be a time for you to enjoy being a new family together, Your husband and daughter are i'm afraid oblvious to the affect this seems to be having on you as they fight to get their own needs met by that I mean your dasughter is struggling with being a teenager and your husband is struggling with being a new Dad to a young person who is finding the trials of becoming an adult difficult, talking is great and you have done some amazing work already at trying to deal with this, but its some thing you can not put right on your own and you need everyone to take some responsibilty for trying to get the situation you are in under some sort of control, your husband sounds like a nice person and is doing his best and I am sure your daughter is wondeful and also hates the situation she is in and would also like it to be diffrent for her, your husband can begin by remebering that in the fasmilyhis role is to remain the adult at all times even when your daughter pushes buttons that may cause friction with him, its so easy to get pulled in to becoming atantrum child and teenagers are very goos at doing that when she explodes or is on the verge of it remind your husband to stay adult and calm let her have her tantrum and remind yourself and him that she is acting like a child at these times although she may look like an adult as a teemager she will still respond as a child and its your responsibilty to take the lead at this time, dont get angry( hard I know) but let her vent walk away and say\I will talk this through when you are ready and calm just let me know and I will sit doen with you and we can sort it then, there are some stratergies you can put into place that might help, such as give yoyr daughter as much time of you on your own as you can make girly tiome together go out for a pizza together or something wher eshe feels she has mum on her own again and not fighting for your attention, also your husband can make suggestions such as maybe a camping weekend just him and her to get to know each other a in a diffrent surronding where they have to work together as a team and build on that. This is really hard for you and you have to make it clear that its not going to continue keep firm boundaries for your daughter and like I said remain the adult at all times, if your husband and daughter wont go for counselling then suggest you go and find someone for you who can help you work on this , I hope this helps a little and take care of you to.

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