Need help with MIL

Jackie - posted on 10/26/2009

My MIL was the same way for awhile and everytime I said something about it she just didn't listen to me but because my husband is an only child she would listen to him. So when he said something about what she was doing she stopped. As for the pull ups, my son was still wearing them to bed because he does have accidents every now and then. When he stopped wearing them, she still wanted him to wear them at her house, and she wanted us to send one with him whenever he stayed the night. I finally told her that if she wanted him to wear one at her house when he stayed then she had to start buying them that I wasn't going to buy them anymore....well that put a stop to the pull up thing. Tell her that she will have to buy the pull ups if she wants her to wear them at her house that you will not supply them for her....I believe she will stop asking for them then.....

Lynette - posted on 10/22/2009

Brandi, I was told several times and you have probably heard this too... Don't sweat the small stuff. Let it go. Do your children do what you expect at home? I have had several battles with my ex mother in law over other issues and it just is not worth it.. Grandparents do what they want cause they can. I remember doing things at my grandparents that I wasn't aloud to do at home, it's why we love them as kids and respect them as adults. I have a 7 & 10 yr olds and my parents let them do things I don't let them do. It still can bug the heck out of me (that wont stop). The pull ups well don't send them say we don't use them anymore ( so be it) if she wants them let her buy them (that will open her eyes) let it go. The disipline well not much you can do. If grandma thinks your the mean ones well let the kids go (let them have tantrums, be disruptive, break things) eventually she will get it when she says can't you control your children. Tell her well you didn't like us to disipline them while they are at your home so you get what you asked for love you MIL. Remember too smile. Okay you think I'm crazy no just realistic. You can't change her so give her what she wants. You both need to relax and learn to ignore your kids let grandma take over while your there and use it for your time. Go for a walk enjoy the queit time for a little bit. Good luck

Jacquelyn - posted on 10/14/2009

sharon is right. my mil is an absolute nightmare to and its way easier and far less stressful to just stop seeing her until she can smarten up. maybe by staying away for a while she will realize you are in control, not her and will act accordingly. good luck!!

Annette - posted on 10/14/2009

I feel your pain, been there done that! somethings you have to give a little like the feeding - and cleaning after eating. Tell MIL "just like potting training, she needs to learn to be independant". Other things like sweets without child eating her meal, doesn't cut it. Stand your ground with a smile on your face, and hopefully the support of your husband. Trust me this is just the begining....keep in mind it takes a village! Good luck!

Carolane - posted on 10/12/2009

Oh My! I feel for you! Sounds like you have an overbearing MIL. You need to set boundaries and fast!! Reassure her that you love her and the kids adore Grandma, but if she is going to overstep her boundaries and call you mean and NOT respect your ways of raising your daughters (and I don't care if it is HER house!!) then she will have to visit them at your house. Also, no more pull ups!! If Z is potty trained, then MIL gets NO pull ups, PERIOD!! Also, at dinner, say something like, Z why don't you show Grandma what a big girl you are by how well you can eat your dinner by yourself! Children need discipline, Z sitting in a hallway is in no way "mean" and she should not be putting that in her mind that you are so. I hope this helps. I have teens and am a single parent, so no MILs here! But, I do sometimes have my own mom who can be overbearing at times too and I have to remind her that I am the parent she is the Grandma, while I appreciate all her and my Dad have done for us, I am still the parent and I have the say in what my kids do. Take Care.

Sefora - posted on 10/12/2009

hey, what your mother-inlaw is doing is not right because she is turning your child against you and the worse part is you are the one who knows what right for your child as a mother, i do agree with what you teach your child and i believe you should confront her about this as she will destroy your relationship with your child. make her aware of how you are feeling & if she doesnt stop tell her you will not bring your child to visit ever.maybe she doesnt realize what she is doing, she is just trying to be the best grand mother

Gilda - posted on 10/11/2009

Oh yes, But it is my mother that does it not my mother in law . You cannot change old dogs with their tricks. She will not change . So i guess the trick is to learn to circumnavigate around her ways so you don't stress out.

Catharine - posted on 10/11/2009

Brandi,

We found that when MIL would not stop undermining us we had to stop the visits. They do not stay in our home when they visit to give us all time & space to unwind. When we go there (only3x per year) My hubby & I are very direct and call her on her interference even if we have to do it in front of our girls. They live 4 hours away and we limit visits drastically because each visit requires a week of retraining after. We have found that limiting the visits helps maintain the boundaries and we are careful to update both MIL & FIL when we arrive as to how the girls have changed, their current behaviour struggles, and what we expect from them.

Caite

Brandi - posted on 10/11/2009

Thank you for all the wonderful advise.



My husband has talked with her on multiple occasions. When her and my FIL do come over for visits they are always brief 1 hour visits.



My husband has every other friday off at work and they expect him to go over there all day when he is off. They live about 30 min away from us. So that means they only see the girls 2x per month. Their visits to our home are few and far because they are to busy going to a club at a casino where local bands play.



We have talked with her about it many times since our 3 year old was 1 year old and just walking. I understand she is a high strung person but she raised 2 boys so this is nothing new to her.



We may have to just stop going for a bit to see if it helps.

Gillian - posted on 10/10/2009

Hi Brandi, what a difficult situation for you! I have several thoughts incase this helps....first, how often do you see your MIL? How close to you does she live?
This sounds as though it needs drastic measures because this will escalate as the girls get older and it will cause a real family split later. Is your husband on the same wave length as you? If so you need to visit his mother, alone, without the girls and have a serious talk to her. You will need to present a united front, and explain that you are the parents and you would prefer things done your way. Some compromise could be reached with you providing a place mat for your three year old (plastic, wipe down) for meals but it is a retrospective step for her to wear pull-ups and isn't helpful for Zoe.
If you MIL refuses to listen or continues this behaviour then the only recourse I can see for you is for her to come to you to see the children rather than you going to her, and if she still continues to undermine you then she doesn't see the children. (I know that sounds really harsh but it may be the only thing open to you)
regards
Gillian

Sandi - posted on 10/10/2009

I would suggest that you do the same thing my sister did, same thing I did - if you can't follow MY rules for MY child, we will not be coming to your house and you will NOT be visiting here. You raised your children, these are MINE. Be prepared to stick to it - if you go to her house and she pulls something, pack it all up and go HOME. And your husband needs to back you up. Period.

Abbie - posted on 10/10/2009

ARG! OH that would drive me crazy! I don' t think you are setting crazy expectations. I would tell MIL that if she doesn't follow the rules you have set forth then you are not coming over. You realize that she can be messy but she must learn to eat onher own and actually it is very bad to constantly clean her after each bite, she needs to learn to eat.



I agree with Sharon. If she won't listen and DH won't tell her how it is, then I wouldn't take the kids over there, plain and simple.

Bev - posted on 10/10/2009

You are in a developing war zone situation here which needs to be put and end to and very quickly. Up to your hubby to make his Mom understand that while you appreciate her help, she has had her turn raising kids, it is now YOUR turn. She cannot make comments when you discipline little one, same as you and hubby arguing in front of the children, and they end up confused. If things do not improve, you will end up having to take a stance, even should this mean that you do not see MIL for a bit to give the kiddies a chance to settle down properly. Sounds harsh, but I am a Gran of 7 and would never dream of interfering in normal discipline - not talking about abuse here !!!
Due to circumstances I not only brought up my own 2, but have brought up my eldest grand-daughter and grand-son, they are now 23 and 19 years, and I could not be more proud of the way they have turned out, bearing in mind I have been a single parent since their mother was 6 years old. Gran's only take over the reins when these have been totally relinquished to their care, and at NO OTHER TIME WHATSOEVER.

Lucy - posted on 10/10/2009

This is a tricky one, and I problem I can relate to. Although my MIL is lovely, and great when she is visiting us, she can be a little precious when we go to her house and sits staring nervously at every mouthful of food my 3 year old daughter eats in case mess should occur! We solved the problem by taking a plastic splash cloth for the floor and a plastic place mat for the table when we visited, and she seemed happy with this. We also had the same problem with her wanting our daughter in pull ups, so one day we just "forgot" to take any and she soon saw that there was no problem with accidents, our daughter asked to go to the loo when she needed to.

On the discipline topic, I feel this is one for your husband to discuss with her, as he is in a better position to be firm and direct with her without causing an argument. She really needs to understand the importance of consistency for your child, especially as your youngest is going to see that boundaries are flexible at Grannies house and this will cause problems later on at home and else where. If your MIL really won't respect your choice of discipline method, you may have to tell her you can no longer let your daughter visit. I'm pretty sure this would make her tow the line!

Pat - posted on 10/10/2009

Brandi,
You don't mention how many children your MIL raised or whether she behaved the same way with them. You also don't mention how old your MIL is or if she has health issures, nor whether there is a FIL in the picture. I raised kids, have grandkids and now great grandkids and would never do what your MIL is doing. But, if all of the discipline and rules makes her so nervous then discuss this with your 3 year old and then let grandma do what ever she wants. If this is occasionally it will do no harm, if it is every weekend then perhaps you should only go once a month. If she baby sits while you work then maybe you should stay home.

Susan - posted on 10/10/2009

This is a very touchy situation. What does your husband think about all this? If he sees it the way you do, perhaps you can have him talk to his mother alone and address the situation.

Remind her that your 3 year old is potty trained and it is not appropriate to switch back to pull ups when at her home. Rather, fill her in on your potty schedule so she can help make sure there are no accidents at her house. Talk over the routine with your child as well and go into the bathroom at MIL's house to make sure your child knows where to go and what to do if they need to use the potty. If your child refuses to wear the pull ups because she's a big girl, then MIL will have to relent.

As far as eating meals at her house, do the same thing. Inform her of how your child does at your house and suggest she serves foods that will be easier for your child to eat by themselves and not cause stains if food should drop on the floor. Inform your child that her job after mealtime is to pick up the food that dropped to the floor. If your MIL sees that though the child may make a mess, she's big enough to clean her mess, maybe she'll back off and not start the same thing with your baby.

As far as discipline, perhaps you need to use a different tactic. Try taking your child into another room and have a talk rather than putting her in time out. Don't give your MIL power to make you a mean mommy.

Family time at MIL's house should not be stressful but it is often. If MIL cannot agree to these suggestions, suggest to her that she visit her grandchildren at your house. Chances are she will agree to your terms if she enjoys your visits. It could be, too, that she is stressed out when you visit and would welcome the break. Just avoid making her feel like "the bad guy".

Carla - posted on 10/08/2009

Tell her if she wants to see your children she will have to learn to do things your way. Kids need consistency and this is just going to upset and confuse her.

Sharon - posted on 10/08/2009

Stop going there.



Tell her that your daughter is no longer following the rules because she gets her way to often at grandmas house and you think it would be best if your MIL visited at the grandkids at your home where you will remain firmly in control of discipline and where you don't mind if they spill food on the table.



Thank her for the many lovely dinners and when/if she suggests that its ok, she doesn't mind spoon feeding the 3 yr old, tell her "thats sweet of you but she'll never learn to do it for herself if we don't allow her some independence."