Need help with my 18 year old who acts violently.

Gaynor - posted on 07/30/2011 ( 206 moms have responded )

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I have an 18 (nearly 19) year old boy who is violent when he loses at games and throws things around and smashes things. I have tried kicking him out but he always comes home a few days later saying "I am sorry." Until recently, I have managed to calm him down but now its taking its toll on me. He doesn't earn enough to get a place of his own, and I need advice or help. Can anyone help me please?

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Jan - posted on 08/01/2011

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As someone seeking a graduate degree in counseling, I can tell you that if he goes in for an evaluation, any competent counselor is going to make an evaluation to see if there are medical reasons for the behavior a part of that evaluation. In the places I have worked, clients don't just walk in the door and say I have a problem with anger and let it go at that. You evaluate whether or not the problem is anger or something else. You try to evaluate any external factors that might be contributing to the problem...chemical, environmental or physical and that evaluation remains an on-going thing throughout counseling...trust me on this. We don't want to bang our heads against a brick wall any more than any one else does and if you treat a problem as strictly mental, or emotional without looking at what other causes might be contributing that is exactly what you are doing. If you don't deal with the issues causing the problem, then you just spin your wheels. If I have someone with a problem with violence in my office, I am going to do my best to make sure that the problem doesn't have any underlying causes beyond the ones the client tells me about and to make sure that any underlying causes I do find get dealt with. I don't want that client taking a swing at me if he/she doesn't like what he/she hears in my office...and sometimes people don't. But even if there are medical issues underlying the anger and the impulsivity there is a need for some relearning of how to deal with those impulses without the violence. I repeat. That sort of anger is best dealt with by a competant counselor doing a thorough evaluation and treatment according to the results of the assessment. And yes, quite often if it is suspected that a behavior has an underlying medical or chemical cause, a medical and/or psychiatric evaluation are part of the assessment process. It is the only way to deliver responsible care.

MOTHER LYNNE - posted on 08/01/2011

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ok,lots of sound advice,but maybe there is a medico reason this lad displays the kind of behaviour..he needs to seek help to find out if he has a certain problem and what can be done ,then maybe it can be rectified.... for your sanity and his ..and those surrounding him ...

Jan - posted on 08/01/2011

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Or try giving him a choice....he is 18-years-old. 1. He replaces what he destroys. Period. I don't care how broke he is. When his temper's consequences become HIS problem rather than yours, he will be more inclined to be motivated to do something about them. AND 2. If he is living in YOUR house he goes to a counselor for some anger-management therapy. Most mental health places work on a sliding fee....HE pays for the counseling. Again, once the consequences of his behavior become something HE has to deal with, he will be far more inclined to find the motivation to deal with his problem....and the kind of anger you are talking about IS a problem. OR 3. He moves out and DOES NOT MOVE BACK IN UNTIL HE IS READY TO MEET AND ADHERE TO BOTH OF THE FIRST TWO CONDITIONS.

This is more for his benefit than yours believe it or not. If he continues down this road, he is going to exhibit that sort of anger in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people and the consequences at that point can be jail time, permanent disability to himself or someone else or death for himself or someone else.

Sheri - posted on 08/01/2011

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I can totally understand where you are coming from. It is not easy to throw your child out, even though he maybe an adult age, as mother's we see them as our child. There has to be a reason that he is getting angry that doesn't stem from the video games, find out what is bothering him and get to the root of it. I have had issues with my son, and thought it would be best to throw him out, and I worried more than he did, so I think I suffered more than he, so it might not be the solution. You might want to discuss with him the consequences of removing his game and that you can not tolerate his behaviour when he is playing his game, although he could go to a friends and just do the same at their place. Throwing him out, will just ignore the problem, time to dicuss with him, what the issue is: why do you feel so angry while playing this game; what is really bothering you. I have a 20 year old and 17 year old, and know how hard the teen years are. Wishing you the best of luck :)

Pattyann - posted on 08/01/2011

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Violence is never, ever acceptable. So, that being said, I have lived with it enough and finally had to put my foot down. I would recommend that (if possible) you get some counciling for yourself. Whether you use a professional or a chuch clergy is up to you. But I think you do need some help to keep yourself safe. Also, you should get the books about Love and Logic. It is an entire series of books on raising responsible kids and they do have a web site. I was told to read the book there when we had a foster daughter who was really acting out. The other thing that I would do, and this is really hard, is make him sign a contract. You need to write out exactly what the consequences are for violence. What is acceptable behavior and what is not. If he can't play games without getting violent, than make the games disappear. He is an adult, but he is still CHOOSING to live in your house. That means he follows your rules, or he is out. If he is out, you need to not let him move back in for a specific timeperiod. If he doesn't learn to appreciate you and follow your rules, than it is time for him to find a different place to live. I am not trying to sound harsh. I have raised a lot to kids myself and have good relationships with them all, but I had to learn to lay down the law in my own house, or they would do what they wanted. It is much harder to start now, hence the contract (it is a lease agreement really). The other thing I have learned is to charge them rent. It can be 100.00 dollars a month if you want to, but you need to make them work for it. The things we work for, are the ones we treat better. The goal is to help him want to make an effort to get out on his own. You being the "safety zone" isn't helping him or you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it is incredibly hard, and there may be circumstances that you haven' shared that make it even more difficult. Only you can decide what should really be done, but I would for sure look at getting some professional advice. I am sure he is a good kid, but now it is time to grow up and accept responsibility for his choices. I know it is hard for you, but I also know that you will both benefit from making the right choices for yourselves.

Bek - posted on 08/01/2011

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Would he be willing to go to Counseling? I don't know your son, but it's possible there are some underlying issues and the anger is a way of "acting out" that anger. There are anger management classes that most states offer as well. Boundaries are very important when dealing with this sort of problem. When he decides to come home again, it may help to have a contract written out with rules that he must adhere to in order to stay. He and you will need to sign the contract and you will need to have clear consequences for when he breaks the contract, because he will until he sees that you are serious. Also have clear rules about what he has to do in order to come back into the home. My spouse and I had to do this with our own son and found it very important to stand our ground when he was standing at the door wanting to come home. When he disobeyed the rules of the house he was told to leave, and leave he did. It's a rough road, but having clear boundaries and rules with consequences that are enforced will help a great deal. Don't hesitate to find professional help for you if needed. A counselor can help you do what you need to for yourself and for the rest of your family. I hope things get better for you soon.

Michelle - posted on 08/01/2011

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Its hard raising kids today, i have an 17 soon to be 18 year old, he gets angry as well, he yells, he has never thrown anything but he does get angry and when he gets like this i usually go have a bath or go to visit a friend so that if and when he gets angry he has no one to take it out on. I don`t stay and take it. before i started doing this my son and i would get into a habit of raising our voices to each other and get mad, but ever since I started removing myself from the situation when he gets angry and starts to yell we both have our space and we settle down. we have time to think and when i come home or I am done my bath we both are calm enough to talk. It isn`t always easy but it works. I love my son as you do I want to be there for him like you, but there comes a time when we as parents need to allow our kids to face the real world and if they fall then we are there for support, that is how they learn. my son didn`t pass grade 12 this year because he didn`t do the work, at first i was very upset with myself and him but then i realized it was not me who didn`t succeed it was my son and when the dust settled we talked and my son realized he made a huge mistake and he is going to repeat grade 12 this fall. Your son needs to have more resposibilty for his actions and by you leaving the situation when he gets angry takes the power away from him and you both can regroup then later when things are calm you can talk with him about his behavior and what you expect from him, it works for me anyway. he needs to take ownership of his actions. Anger management might help, I am not so sure about medication though. Remind him he lives under roof and he needs to respect that and you. good luck

Lesa - posted on 08/01/2011

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he need to get a job or go through some kind of low income apartment and you need to tell in to get out and get alife of his own a have some respect for you . u dont need to say yes u can come back any more let him learn how to some thing besides play video game all day.like pay bills and pay rent he will learn then how to respect your thing.

Judi - posted on 08/01/2011

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Have you had him tested for drug use? If he is using drugs (or alcohol) it can cause violent outbursts.You can buy test kits at the drug store here. If you find he is using, he needs to go to a rehab, if he is not using, and just acting like a spoiled 5 yr old having a temper fit, well then, I agree with everyone who said if you kick him out, make him STAY out. I am sure he has a friend or two who will let him stay with them...

Sheri - posted on 08/01/2011

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I am going to tell you to stop sit down and breathe. Now it wasn't till I saw some of the crap my 21 does now that really explained why his violent impulsive behavior happens. It is a imbalance either from diet, sleep, drugs or hormones or combo of all the above that seem to cause the really wild stuff.

Surgery was the latest wild blow up. He put a staple through his thumb at work and needed to be put out for removal. After coming home he became irrational. BING. I was laying across the hood of a car calling 911 before he came around to realize he wasn't thinking straight. It was an hour before the light bulbs went off in his eyes and brain. Police showed up two hours later. UGH. By the time they arrived he was sitting in the AC drinking a beer and totally in control. He is realizing now he is out of control of his emotions and behavior sometimes. But that is years of counseling and years of everyone working with him. To the world he appears calm cool and collected 24/7 but it has been a long road.

I can't remember the age but believe it is in the early teen years they are suppose to learn self control. For some reason kids today don't really learn that like we did at an early age.

I think you need help for you and the son. He was absent for one of the stages of development that he now needs.

Kim - posted on 08/01/2011

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Gaynor...Thank you so much for answering some of my questions...so many never do....

So here are my thoughts...it's possible with your guilt of him falling, allowed him to become in control, as a parent we always feel bad if we missed something we feel we could have prevented....BUT...it could he has ADD/ADHD, which does have anger issues that come with it, due to their frustrations. My son was the PERFECT son and just before he turned 7 (oct.) he started being different!!!! In Kindagarten and 1st grade the teacher's all said they wished all their students were just like him. He was the sweetest, most curtious, helpful, giving, forgiving child they had ever met. When he got into the 2nd grade I started getting calls from the school he was causing food fights at lunch time, vandalizing the bathroom...I thought they called the wrong parent!!! Then came the key words "He isn't following directions, not following through, can't seem to grasp and retain" These are very important keywords! We had him evaluated for ADD/ADHD. Once the results came back and we took them to his pedia....Doc said "Wow, he has it real bad, most teachers and parents don't answer questions so spot on" He was flunking math but now he carries and has for the last 3 years a 98% in math, he is a honor roll student! Their brains work so fast, it can't slow down to take in and keep all the information. Public schools unless they are aware a child has a problem such as ADD/ADHD are not equipped to teach such a child. It isn't that they don't learn the same material as a "Average" child...they are taught differently. Songs, rymes...changes everything along with their medication! Remember it is against the law for a Teacher to approach a parent and tell them they think or feel a child could possibly have ADD/ADHD. They only give you the keywords. The parent must ask the school if they do evaluations. Once you confirm they do have ADD/ADHD the parent must ask the school if they have programs to teach these children, if not...please seek out a school that does..no parent will regret taking that step to help their children!
Him not looking you in the eye's as he speaks or when you speak to him can be a sign of R.A.D. which there is very good information and counciling out their to help these children and their parents...help them to understand what they are going through and things that can be done to help improve them in quality of life/relationships etc.
Just for those out there that don't know what R.A.D. is... Reactive Attachment Disorder...here is a link for more info http://www.attachment.org/pages_what_is_... You can also search Youtube for video's that some parents show what they are doing to help their children that do have R.A.D.

ADD/ADHD...my son's pediatrician's son has...(his son is fully grown now) he did alot of research on the subject. 90% of your surgeons have ADD/ADHD they love to use their hands (hence video games, lego's etc) but not all are like that...when you find what they are interested in they will want to work on it all the time, you will see a difference in their persistance of the subject...may it be playing a musical instrument, working with an object or prodject. When you learn what they like the most, you will can come up with different suggestions of what fields they can go into professionally..if it's video games he can go into that field they always need testers, makers etc. They aren't lost, or stupid...like my son's doctor has told us, they are above the average child in intelligence, they just have to slow the brain down enough for them to retain all the information, which helps them control any anger issues they may have. The anger is more Frustration....they don't understand why they aren't like the AVERAGE person/child, they know they like something but can't get it to do what it should do so they act out....not to justify their actions but to understand their actions is important.
At your son's age, I would contact his doctor, ask for them to evaluate your son for ADD/ADHD. They will ask you questions, and ask him questions. It's never too late to improve ones life! Another if he is or isn't your biological child there is the chance he has R.A.D. so please do read the info from the link provided so you can rule that possiblity in or out before contacting the doctor. Again I wish you the best and if you ever need someone to talk to I would be more than happy to be there!

Patricia - posted on 08/01/2011

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There are questions you MUST ask yourself. In order to help your son, you need to step away. He knows you will let him back in when he says "I'm sorry." You need to set some ground rules. More importantly, he needs help dealing with his issues with anger. Before you let him back home, you need to get him and yourself some counseling. Someone who can look at the whole picture objectively. This is not something you can fix. GET HELP before he really hurts someone. Please do not wait. You have a better chance of helping him learn to deal with his anger issues now. Please Please, get help. You can ask your doctor or minister to recommend someone who specializes with dealing with anger management. Good luck.

Dametria - posted on 08/01/2011

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Hello,Im sure it's difficult to see your child suffering. Not knowing if his actions are chronic and if they happened when he was younger so my advice is limitted, but you would defiantly want to see some kind of professional i.e. Counslor, psychologist. the problem is now he is 18 and you cannot force him to do anything as the law sees him as an adult. Maybe you could visit a counselor as his choice ( if he wants to live in your home than he must go). As well, you might want to see a counselor to understand why you allow him back into the home knowing his problem and the fact that he is an adult. Although he is an adult this is a family problem and his actions didn't just sprout overnight. I hope that you and your family get the help you need.

Veena - posted on 08/01/2011

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HI Gaynor, I know it can be difficult but kicking him out is not going to solve the problem. Take him to a counselor or a Psychiatrist to get to the bottom of his problem. That way he can get rid of his problem for life and get better. Enroll him in a volunteering program in a Non-profit organization so that he can realize how lucky he is to have a family and can channel this negative energy to do something positive. All the best.
Regards,
Veena.N.K

Kathleen - posted on 08/01/2011

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Is your child going to college/university in the fall? That is a perfect time for them to test independence and for you to be less accessible, thus allowing them to become more of an adult. If not then it is time that they start to make their own way in this world. If they do not stand on their own to feet and become responsible for their actions you are not helping them to reach their full potential. This is probably not welcome advice but maybe you need to sit down with your child when they are calm and have a heart to heart. Show them that you are there for them but it is time for them to grow into the next phase of their life by finding better employment and an apartment. Tough love is difficult but very effective. Hugs to you!

Aleisha - posted on 08/01/2011

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take the games away from him!!! he's still living under your roof, and needs to follow your rules. If he can't treat his things right, he doesn't get them. plain and simple. if he doesn't like it, he needs to buy his own things and then he can break them if he wants and doesn't break other things at the same time. If he does continue, he needs to replace the things he's breaking that are not his, fix any holes in the walls, repaint, etc. He sounds like he needs to be drilled with the idea that "you break it, you fix it"... and as his mom, you can't back down, you have to stand firm. Any waivering from you is going to make him think "she's not gonna really go through with this".... You have to show him, you mean it. If that doesn't work, making him move out on his own might be your only option. Good Luck!!!

Andrea - posted on 08/01/2011

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One word....Counseling!!!!! Sorry but I would also take away the tirrgers like the games.. under your roof under your rules.

Gloria - posted on 08/01/2011

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Anger management as a condition to come back...they have some free classes for ppl who can't afford it. Make him find them before you let him come home again your doing both of you a favor!!! Just a subjection, but seems with those issues someone is going to get hurt.

Jennifer - posted on 08/01/2011

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Sounds like he needs to seek counseling and/or take some type of medication to control his rage/anxiety. If not willing to help himself past repeated "I'm sorry's" only to continue to act the same way, then toss him out and let him find his way, trust me, he will....Toleration is not helping him in the long run....

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A parent's job is to prepare their child for the outside would. Your son looks like he will be a danger to any new relationship he develops. At this point, it's very hard to change your own attitude with him because he knows all your buttons. In my world we call that pimping. He is getting what he wants at the cost of others and uses violence to "check you". As an adult he needs to be accountable for his own feelings and actions. First, you need to find the root. Counseling is good for that. Let him open up and find his root. He needs to do that in a space without you there. He needs to learn to feel some independence because the only thing he will do is find a woman just like you and live off her. Then he will be another woman's headache. That wont be good because if he acts like that and is not used to violence, she WILL call the police and he WILL go to jail.

Sammy - posted on 08/01/2011

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First thing I would do if he is going to live in my home is limit the amount of time he gets to play any type of video game. Second would be to stick to what I say to him. If you kick him out and then allow him to come back and he repeats the behavior then he has not learned his lesson. I would make him go and look for a job where he works 40 hours a week and start to pay some on the bills if he lives at home. He needs to learn some responsibilities and what happens when he doesn't follow through on them. It sounds like to me that he has gotten so comfortable not having to do much that consists of being rejected or told that something is not right. Tough Love is a good way to go and in the end most will thank you for it.

Cheryl - posted on 08/01/2011

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You both need help-professional help. Start with your family doctor to be sure there is no medical reason. Then I suggest counseling.

Lisa - posted on 08/01/2011

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It could be a psychological disorder and I think that should be ruled out first since it is the most severe of the possibilities. And I can't think of a worse situation than a revolving door at your house. You need to respect yourself and the man he could be. Be strong, you obviously love him, but now be strong for him too.

Jana - posted on 08/01/2011

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I see this as a potentially dangerous situation. Being able to control anger is a vital skill in today's world. If he gets that upset when he loses a game, I would hate to think about what he may do over something more significant - like losing a girlfriend to another guy. If he were my son I would insist that he get professional counseling from someone who deals with anger issues. I strongly suggest a therapist who knows cognitive behavior therapy. I saw this work so well for someone I know who has bulimia. I would make his living with me contingent upon his going to therapy. If affording therapy is a problem I would look for counselors who have a sliding scale. I don't know if your boy is a Christian, but if he is open to biblical teaching, Joyce Meyer's book "Battlefield of the Mind" is an excellent book for learning how to change behavior through thinking the right thoughts. The fact that he says he is sorry shows he is aware his behavior is a problem. He needs to know from you that you love him, but hate his violence and uncontrolled anger. He needs to know that it could lead him down a road that will result in nothing but regrets (broken relationships and possibly big trouble with the law).
Let him know you want him to have a happy life and that will not happen if he does not get help for dealing with his anger. May God bless you and your young man. At his age, he is no longer a boy (legally) and he will be held accountable for his behavior. If you are a Christian, never underestimate the power of prayer! I will pray for your situation and that God intervenes to see that your son gets the help he needs!

Mira - posted on 08/01/2011

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Gaynor, Thank you for your clarifications. You will need to be his advocate - moms can do this quit well when their child has been suffering. No eye contact, problems in school, head injury at 5... he needs assessment, both physically (including chemically) and emotionally. You're on the right track! I'm proud of you! There are answers, just start knocking on all the doors to get what your son needs.

PJ - posted on 08/01/2011

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Have his sugar checked. My son was the same way,then we discovered his sugar was too high and went on meds.Check it now because high blood sugar will cause a lot of damage to his body.

Gaynor - posted on 08/01/2011

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he plays computer games online games
and yes i was told he had behaviour issues at school
he did fracture his skull at the age 5 i just turned my back for 30 seconds and he managed to climb on a wall then fell through some glass then he changed his behaviour got worse but no one helped me not even the schools they always sent him home he got no qualifications or anything

Holly - posted on 08/01/2011

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I agree with previous statements that this type of behavior should have been curtailed at a young age. My son gets supremely upset at toys that he gets frustrated with. I stop him, take the toy away for a minute, calm him down. hug him to let him know I still love him and either fix the issue with the toy or take it away from him for awhile. My son is two. He's not allowed to throw, hit, bite, or kick under any circumstances, especially when angry. This is A LOT of work for a single mom to do but it's worth it for long term gain. I look at every bit of training he's receiving from me as a long term investment. I am raising not a boy but a man in the making and it's important to me that I set the guidelines for the man he will become. Destructive behavior is not part of that as far as I'm concerned and will do whatever I can to teach him not to be that way.

My family has a history of violence and rage and I would like to help my son control his frustration (which is where 90% of our anger comes from) early so he doesn't have the issues our family has had. Its a good idea to get him checked out for any possible syndrome or other 'thing' that could be exacerbating the underlying issue.

I know that my anger and frustration comes from not feeling like I was heard or valued by my family. These issues linger, 40 years later. Get your son to someone who can help him pinpoint the root issue of his anger and violence and help him see the truth of his reality. (Sounds cheesy but its true.) Parents do they best they can at the time and we all make mistakes.

Hopefully, this issue can be resolved in some way so that your boy can be a productive man. Best of luck.

Emma - posted on 07/31/2011

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sorry to hear that your 18 year old is acting like a 14 year old,im sorry to be tough but if he was mine i would tell him to find digs somewhere else and trash his own place,i tell my 14 year old son as and when he is paying for his own stuff ,place etc then he can smash it up but under my roof behave or your out,dont get me wrong i love him but i will not have a disrespectful person under my roof even if it is my own flesh and blood.GOOD LUCK,STAY STRONG

Kim - posted on 07/31/2011

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I'm sorry.... but curious and feel there are a few questions that should have been asked and answered before anyone can give any sound advice. I'm curious to know how the "LAD" did in school? Did he have behavioral or educational problems? Is he the type of boy that can follow directions? follow through with his actions? Will he look you in the eyes when he is speaking? There are so many issues that people have and don't always know they have them, like ADHD, Aspergers, RAD... without knowing the answers to these questions my thoughts went in the direction of he sounds like the type that should join the military...that will give him the direction he craves. I say that because alot of men desire that life because they really never learned how to handle life...to know what to do next...they crave direction.....When I was small, I had a girlfriend .....her mother worked 24/7, never met her father, seen the house she lived in and wow it was it lived in!...she had a older brother but he wasn't ever home either. One day she called to see if she could come and play I asked my mother if it was ok, mom was like..."You have to clean the basement and if she wants to come over she will have to help you clean". Guess what...she did, she was there within seconds and was glad to help. After she went home I asked my mother why she (my girlfriend) would want to come over and help clean someone else's house....my mother said "All children want disapline, she has no one at home to tell her what she should do, so she doesn't feel as loved" I then asked my girlfrend about it. My girlfriend confirmed my mothers reasoning. Another point is.....If you don't have control when they are small, you won't when they get older...infact it intensivies. Had a piano teacher that told me how her mother let her sister do what she wanted all the time, no concequences for any actions. When she grew up, she hurt her mother time and time again by her actions and words. You get back what you give. My questions above were mainly see if he had already medical history that shows he had one of those conditions. Tough love is just that, and usually helps out the most...just never say your going to do something or take something away if you don't plan on following through. Why hasn't he moved on to increase is level of educations? or Vo-Tech hands on learning? He needs direction, and I'm sure you can give it to him. All of you will be much happier! Wishing you the best!

Laural - posted on 07/31/2011

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Has he ever been in counseling? If not, he should be. He also may have a medical issue that needs to be addressed. Our daugher threw things too, but she was three. She was taught at an early age that this sort of behavior was not tolerated. Was your son disciplined when he was younger, or is this a more recent issue? If so, counseling and a full medical evaluation are in order.

Stifler's - posted on 07/31/2011

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What do you mean loses at games? Sounds to me like he's addicted to video games.

Andrea - posted on 07/31/2011

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Sounds exactly like a family member of mine. Instead of jumping the gun and kicking him out, sounds like he may need therapy.

Suzu - posted on 07/31/2011

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Perhaps there is an older male in your life that could help as a positive role model for you. Uncle,friend, past team coach. He seems to be resourcefull enough to find a place to stay when you do find the strength to kick him out. I am sure he has it pretty good at home with you looking after him so what incentive does he have to even try to find someplace else. Do not forget we teach people how to treat us, including our children! Be strong and do not take any crap from him.

Jolie - posted on 07/31/2011

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there is housing for available for people who make little to no money,my husband run on such complex, he for one needs to be in his own place. But the violence after loosing is a big red flag he needs to seek help for it. If he wont then you need to do it for him. He may have a real medical issue and need treatment. I strongly urge you to call the police if it happens again and get him help before it gets worse, which it will. I have seen it myself.

Raquel - posted on 07/31/2011

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Counseling. Something else is triggering these outbreaks. It sound like he is remorseful and probably feels terrible after the episode. But counseling and your unconditional love to support him through this. Don't give up on him. Get help for him and through that help it will also help you.

Nicola - posted on 07/31/2011

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Matbe you could talkto him and say i know you can't afford a place of your own right now i would be happy for you to stay until you can as long as you spend the money you have on anger management classes or talking to a counsellor if you are happy for that to happen of course and if he says no its got to be the hard reality of sticking with him not living with you any more. he is totally an adult at this age i know its hard but you really need to remember that.

Jenny - posted on 07/31/2011

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This convrstion could go may ways.... bt my opinion is....You need to find the strengthwithin your self to have tough love. I hae a nephew who is now 23 and continues down the wrong path, I believe becase he knows his mom will allow hm to stay there even though she has had to have him arrested for destroying hr hoe and huting her multiple times. Don't give in. You could also try a boot camp though I dont hve alot of faith in programs that they can walk way from. Hope this helps.

Mira - posted on 07/31/2011

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Hello Gaynor. My heart is breaking with yours as we have a family member who went through a similar circumstance years ago. Since then, I have learned a few things and I hope this will help.
I appreciate the well-meaning suggestions of anger management classes. That can be a help. However, it should only be considered transition, as your son needs some therapy. Anger management will only help him to "appear" appropriate, but won't deal with the deeper issues. You, nor your husband, are to blame, but you guys can be quite helpful in finding your son the help he needs. Once the underlying cause of his anger is dealt with, there will be no need for him to "manage" his anger. Again, anger management can be helpful in the meantime, but please, for his safety and yours, find someone who has experience in dealing with this problem. It shouldn't take a long time, and most towns have programs to assist in finding, and funding, the help that's needed.
Things can get better - don't lose hope!

Pamela - posted on 07/31/2011

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Start him on homeopathic Nux Vomica immediately! It is amazing for the raging man to be able to calm himself with no side effects. Make sure he is not taking any kind of psych drugs and if he is get a Dr advice and take get him off of them. Never withdraw from potent medications without a healthcare professionals advice.

Bonita - posted on 07/31/2011

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A mother's love can only take so much...you need to end the cycle of letting him leave and return. As a mom, it is hard to not give in, but it is time to stand your ground. He has to learn now that violence is not acceptable. I know you would prefer to teach him this and not the courts. If he gets away with this at home then he will start trying it other places. Others do not love him as you do and it will end up poorly. It is better for you to help him now while you still can. By help him, I mean set some rules - no violence, holding a job, attending some anger management classes- or he will need to leave. Remember you will be helping him! Don't feel like you are hurting him by treating him like an adult...you are HELPING him!

Michelle - posted on 07/31/2011

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Hi Gaynor -
At the moment you are an enabler (and it does not help your situation at all) ... and it suits him.
You have to be cruel to be kind my dear - He has you exactly where he wants you -
So ... turn the tables around for a change.
Set some rules and regulations ... and have him pay his way for staying with you ...
or even suggest that if he throws a tantrum again or in any way gets aggressive ... he has to pack and move out and you will not accept him back into your house ... as his actions is upsetting you and you do not deserve this from him.
He is not a baby anymore and he knows what is right and wrong.
I know it is a difficult situation - but my friend had the same problem and this is what she did to her son .. in the end it worked out for both of them.

Britt - posted on 07/30/2011

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Yes he needs to show you and your house respect , if he worked full time and didnt talk back throw things and cleaned up his mess and not play video games all night, i dont see why he cant save up the money so he can move out.

If it gets too roughcall the police and they ll tell you the proper way to get him out of your house, usually you have to file w/ the courts an order (30 days) notice to move out. Sad it had to come to that extent. Best of luck

Tamara - posted on 07/30/2011

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It sounds to me like he should be in anger management. If he is attacking you then he needs to be out of y our house. Even if you are walking on egg shells to not upset him, you dont need to live that way,

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/30/2011

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Not your problem that he cannot afford a place to live. He can get off his ass from playing video games, and get a job like everyone else.

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