Need help with verbal abusive husband to children

Marie - posted on 04/02/2013

Your Children should always be the most important! Verbal abuse is child abuse, 1 and 2 year old children are going to be in to everything, this is normal but to be verbally abusive to them is very bad if you ask me. It would honestly take everything in me to not flip on him if I were you! I would tell him he has some choices get help with anger, take some parenting classes or your leaving!

Constanza - posted on 04/01/2013

You need to find ways of making him stop. Verbal abuse is a serious issue, and it builds up. It could seriously damage your children's self esteem in their formative years.

Create incentives. Make him sleep on the couch. Send him out to fix something to work off frustration. Send him to stay at a friend's for the night.

But ultimately I think you need to take the children to your parent's or a trusted friend's house for the night, and have a long talk about his behaviour. Start from somewhere non confrontational: praise his dedication for job-seeking, his skills, tell him you know he'll find another job soon because he's a valuable asset. Tell him you're proud of him, that you love him, and you're sorry this happened to him. Tell him you're frustrated too, but that he needs to talk to you about it. Tell him "taking out your feelings on the children is not appropriate; they are too little to understand what is happening in our household right now, or why."

If the behaviour persists, tell him he has to leave until things get better. If gets worse, demand he gets anger management classes.

Do not sweep this issue under the rug. It is serious, and he needs to stop. Your main concern right now is your children, he is a grown man who has to take care of himself. It's your duty to look out for him; it is not your duty to take his bullsh*t. If this was my husband, he'd be out on his ear so fast his head would spin - and he knows it too. I don't take sh*t from him, and neither would my kids.

Allyson - posted on 04/01/2013

Brandee,

It is so easy for us to sit back from the safety of our homes and instruct you to leave your husband…my experience is that it is not always an option. For change to be possible however, you must put aside any romantic notions of love and focus on your own behaviors. If in fact you can’t or won’t leave your husband then you must harden your heart to his verbal abuse and anger, and without fail put into effect personal boundaries that prevent your husband from diminishing you and your children psychologically.

When he abuses you or your children, you must be prepared to say things like: "I'm not going to listen to nonsense"; "Stop it"; "Hold it. I do not understand you. Would you please write that down?"If he does not cooperate, you will have to follow through with your (and your children’s) personal boundaries and remove yourself (and your children) promptly from the conversation, if necessary from the house, store, restaurant... If your children are the target then be their advocate and give them the power to remove themselves from the episode and from being victimized; do not give him an audience of any kind.

Between abusive episodes, make sure that all who have been victimized have an opportunity to tend to your/their emotional and social needs. Commit to finding effective ways to relax and mentally escape from the relationship despite your husband’s efforts to inflict emotional harm upon your family. A relationship wherein only one person always acts like an adult is very difficult to manage. Be the solution to your problem, and teach your children to have the power to be the solution as well!

I wish your family the best of luck.

Allyson

Joanne - posted on 04/01/2013

This happened to me when my children were young. I would intervene, stand with my children and stand up to my husband. Lovingly. Make sure your children know you still love each other and that this difficult time will pass. I also sought the support of an energy therapist which helped my children let go of the negative energy my husband was trying to impose on them. I hope this helps.

Madame - posted on 03/30/2013

I think getting away for a period of time is a great idea. Can you stay with parents or other relatives? If not, it may take a long time, but I think with this kind of person you need to show him that if he doesn't change his behavior, you can manage on your own. I know how extreme this sounds, but for your children's sake who need to know they have at least one protector, it's very important to let everyone know how serious you are about making a change if he will not. Blessings to you during this very difficult time!

Jane - posted on 03/30/2013

you need to get away from your huspand for a couple of days, let him cool down, or if this anger was triggerd because he was fired, help him find a job, or help him in some sort of way, if he carries on the most important thing to do it protect your self and your children, from the sounds of it, your husband is very immature and ignorant.

Nikki - posted on 03/29/2013

It sounds to me like he is extremely immature, and is taking his frustrations with his life out on you and the kids. Unless he is able to see what he is doing, take responsibility for his actions and make a conscious effort to change and better himself, your best bet is to protect yourself and your kids from his abusive ways. You can't make him stop.

I was in a similar situation years ago. I was 24 years old and had just had my third child by a man I stupidly married (despite knowing I was making a mistake) and drained everything positive from me. He was useless: he had no job, drank all day, and blamed the world (but mostly us) for his terrible state. I was working two jobs and going to school full-time, but for some reason, I had to pay for a babysitter for 8 hours a day, because the kids were "too much for him to deal with." After wasting almost 10 years of my life with this emotional parasite, I finally got angry enough at the situation to do something about it. I left, and I have never looked back.

Now, although it gets lonely at times, I am able to give my family what they need to be able to grow up to be emotionally secure adults. Their father is still struggling with his misery, but we no longer have to deal with it infecting our lives. He begs me to come back, tells me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and when I don't respond to him, he tells me that I am the reason he is miserable and can't move forward with his life. I used to be hurt by his accusations, but now I just smile, look him in his eyes, and tell him that I pray daily for him to find the happiness he so desperately seeks. Then I keep it moving.

Life goes on sweetheart, and if you stay in this miserable situation, you are setting the example that your children will follow. They will either grow up to be like their Dad and put their own families through the hell they are having to endure, or they will grow up to allow someone else to abuse them, as that is all that they know. Strangely, when you are used to chaos and pain, you seem to find security in that, and that sets the course for a very unhappy existence. Do yourself and your children a favor and give him an ultimatum (that you have to be prepared fully to follow through with if he doesn't live up to his end of the deal): Tell him either he figures out what the root of his problem is and fixes it so that he can be what he needs to be emotionally for you and the children, or else you are going to leave this toxic relationship in order to protect yourself and the children from further harm. The lasting effects of growing up in such a situation are usually much worse than those that result from leaving it.. He has to be the one to change; you cannot do this for him. You cannot make him do this, convince him to do this or change him. He has to change himself, and if he needs help doing so, then maybe you could help him find a therapist that could help him come to terms with whatever is eating him up inside and making him act out in such a negative and unhealthy manner, but otherwise, it has to be something he does for himself.

As a side not, there is absolutely no need for police in this situation, so for those of you who mention that - shame on you!!! Bringing the courts into this will only give the power of how you raise your children to a judge that has NO CLUE as to what is truly best for them. It should ONLY be done as a last resort, or when there is immediate physical danger to the child or mother/father at stake. Let's learn how to act like adults and resolve our differences without running to Big Brother to sort things out for us. Our children need to see what putting differences aside in order to achieve a greater good looks like - and they should be able to see that without a court order forcing the parents to behave properly. Just saying..

Good luck, and know that this, too, shall pass. Keep your head up, and know that the darkest part of the night is right before the sun has it's breakthrough, but you have to make it through the darkness in order to see the light.

Kate - posted on 03/28/2013

Agree with everyone else - get the heck out. That is totally unacceptable. Either he needs to get a grip and get help for his anger issues (which doesn't seem likely) or you need to lose him. Sorry Mama :(

Jessica - posted on 03/27/2013

I agree with most of the other moms. Even though it might be incredibly difficult, you need to get out of there. And tell him that the only way you will come back is if he gets help with his anger issues. Right now whatever you tell him is falling on deaf ears and he needs to see that you are serious. Your children will thank you and they will always remember what a good mother you are for protecting them and putting them first before anyone else. Wish you the best of luck!

Heather - posted on 03/26/2013

Trust me, I experienced this myself as the child for 12 years growing up. Abuse like that has LASTING effects that will take many years of therapy for your kids if you allow them to be subjected to that type of abuse. A person that does this will not change unless it is of their own free will--meaning don't expect him to do a 180 and change any time soon. If you love and care for your kids (which it sounds like you do!) then you would do whatever you can to get them out of the situation (ie. leave him...get some friends, some family, whatever/whoever you can to help you out of there). If you do it the right way and your husband does love you and the kids then maybe he will get the help he needs to change.

Kirstie - posted on 03/24/2013

That bad you need to be decent to your kids and get them out of there! If that was my husband id have his butt kicked right out my house! How dare he speak to anyone like that let alone kids!

Please for your kids sake it might turn into physical abuse......

Gaynor - posted on 03/24/2013

Get them out of the house and away from there before things get worse.It could end up physically.Remember your kids are depending on you to protect them,the one that should protect them is abusing them.I'm praying for you my dear.

Dbudd - posted on 03/23/2013

I've been there with my ex-husband he was the same way verbally abusive to the children and his nieces and nephews. He loved them all very much but growing he received that same treatment and he didnt know different. We were married and the Bible teaches that God is 1st Then your husband then kids. So, i lovingly after nice dinner and romance we talked he listened and realized how upset i was about it and told him if it didnt change we'd separate until things did change. And he did allow me after all of that took place with the separation because i did have to and he realized how much his family meant to him. He allowed me to show him how to be a loving father and disciplinarian. Today's he's an amazing father!!! Husband and wife are to be as one! So, your husband possibly raised that way also may need a different approach especially since he's sensitive right now about his manhood and the job. So maybe try some other way to speak to him respectfully and in Honor. And if you give him an ultimatum you must follow through!!! GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!! THE DEVIL IS DESTROYING FAMILIES

Jennifer - posted on 03/23/2013

get a babysitter and leave him! those kids dont need to be put through that, he wants you to get a babysitter than do that and tell him your not going to support him just sitting at home and cussing your kids.

Maggie - posted on 03/23/2013

Leave him, honey, he is not good for either you or the children. He needs to get out of your life and sort his own crap out. He does not deserve to have these innocent, sweet little ones in his life. Or you, either, for that matter. There are lots of agencies that help women who are victims of domestic violence and his verbal abuse IS domestic violence and will impact on your children all their lives if you don't get out now.

Eric - posted on 03/21/2013

I am a man and a father and I grew up with similar behavior, and I am sorry to say but you need to take your kids and leave. There is no fixing him unless he wants to be fixed. Hopefully your children will break the cycle as I have, we remember what it was like and do not want it for our children. Good luck.

Brandy - posted on 03/21/2013

Sweety, I'm sorry but you will NEVER change him. I was with my husband for 18 years and his verbal/emotional abuse to my girls while they were growing up not only never stopped but I just found out that when my older 2 hit puberty he started sexually abusing them. Get out while you can and they are young and while he hasn't done enough damage that your kids will hopefully forget it. I know you love him but that was my mistake and I will never forgive myself for what they have been through although I knew nothing about it. He's been out of our lives for a year now and we couldn't be happier. If you need somebody feel free to email me privately. arieslady02@gmail.com good luck dear.

Future - posted on 03/20/2013

Even with the job market as low as it is , there are people on craigslist and in the paper hiring, he needs to get up and find a job, i wont go with out a job knowing i have 2 kids and one on the way that depend on me, i have been in the unemployment position before, back when i only had me to worry about, so i know it can be rough, but no kid deserves that, and a man isnt a man if he treat a defenseless baby that way, verbal abuse can show up physically, i recently had to complete relocate for my girlfriend who is expecting, i know there are jobs out there, best tool is monster.com and craigslist, between applications i would help her with kids

Amelic - posted on 03/20/2013

When my husband left, it was devastating to myself and our children. For nearly two years I barely saw or heard from him.Three weeks before our daughter's birth day, he came home but not with the intention of reconciling. It was during this time that I found out there was another woman involved. After the party he left as quickly as he came. Words cannot express how hurt I was. I came across testimony from a lady called Selina while looking for advice on the internet. after reading the testimony, i feel so much joy in. i accented the faith that if i contacted the man i might also have a testimony to share. so i copy the website and open it. after feeling the form, i received a call from gbenga the priest, he told me what to do and how to do it, after 3days Almost two years to the day my husband left, he called me and said he needed to see me immediately. When we met, I could not believe what he had to say. Ameli I'm sorry for all that happen, i never knew what i was doing all this years. i thought i was doing the right thing, buy now, i have learn my lesson and i promise to treat you like a woman and love and cherish you till death. i couldn't believe it.
Trust and believe!
thanks you priest gbenga
(Ameli Hord Florida)

www.priestgbengamagictemple.webs.com
priest_gbenga.magic_temple@priest.com

Jenn - posted on 03/20/2013

He needs to get a job! Those kids are what is important and you can not let this go on. They didn't ask to be born. He'd be either working or out of my house. Be strong.

Mama3♥ - posted on 03/20/2013

does anyone know if this mom got help:( ? or if things are better?

Kim - posted on 03/20/2013

Do you have family that can watch them? Maybe he could spend time trying to find work and get his self esteem back.

Joanne - posted on 03/20/2013

You cant make him stop. Some men when they feel ineffectual as men due to layoffs or some other event lash out and become abusive. However it sounds like he has always been this way to some degree. You need to leave. NOW. Before he turns violent. Dont tell him. Prepare. And go. Yes, you took a vow before God. That vow did not include I will allow you to abuse me and the kids. The kids come first and its your JOB to make sure they are protected. Ive been there. And I left. It was hard. But I did it. You can, too. God and kids first. God Bless

Frances - posted on 03/20/2013

your poor babies, and poor you this is not ok. I have been there and it just will get steadily worse it starts with yelling and hurtful nasty words the next step is actual violence towards u and towards your children. you need to take a step back from how u feel and do whats best for ur children and get them and you out of that environment. and while u and the kids are somewhere else seek help for u and ur partner I really suggest anger management counselling and help him to find employment again. and hopefully u guys can sort things out. u cant leave your children with someone who is this abusive towards them. im sorry but this is the advice I was given and I needed to hear it for the sake of my childrens safety. much love and prayers ur way I hope u find a way though this. xo

Jackie - posted on 03/19/2013

I totally agree. If you feel threatened in any way, I would not tell him you are leaving. I would just get out of there the moment you have the chance. If you choose to leave and he is controlling and abusive, it could result in a dangerous situation for you and your kids.

Jackie - posted on 03/19/2013

My ex is not nearly as bad but he swears and can be unfeeling and moody. This is one of the main reasons he is my ex. No matter how much you love him, it is your responsibility to protect your children. What he is doing is straight up abuse. Emotional damage can be worse than physical in some cases. Children are just learning about the world and themselves and they build form their relationships and values based on what they learn from their environment. It is critical that they receive patience guidance. Calling them names will eventually come out in other ways. They may start bullying each other or other children at school, starting fights or hurting their pets. If you are feeling threatened, in anyway, you need to leave.

Eliza - posted on 03/18/2013

Ok first off he needs to man up. Speaking to anyone that way is verbal abuse and I for one DO NOT tolerate that kind of ignorant behavior.
These are actions which can turn from verbal to physical. He needs help....therapy something. His words and actions can have lasting effects on your children. Maybe he is stressed, or feels less of a man since theres no work, that is still no excuse.
For him to act how he is, is what makes him less of a man. I am sorry your children are treated this way.

Sharmira - posted on 03/18/2013

I would try to talk to him because he is your husband. If he was a boyfriend then the story would be different, he would have to go. However as your husband you both took a vow before one another and god and I feel that is a promise that you can not ignore. It seems like you still care for him, so sit him down and tell him that you understand his situation and that deoes not make him any less of a man. As a wife and a team it is your job to lift him up when he is down and he is suppose to do the same for you. By all means if he is hitting you or the kids and if you feel like it wont stop after you have your heart to heart with him then it is time to leave. Did he act like that before he got laid off or with his other kids? If so you should run that is a huge red flag at that point there is no more talking.

Kacy - posted on 03/18/2013

I would tell him to pack his crap and leave and get a protective order against him its only going to get worse it never gets better trust me been there done that!!

Stacy - posted on 03/18/2013

2 wrongs do not make right. You should not treat the other 2 wrong because of him. Abuse is abuse. These children are going to need therapy. Child abuse is a felony, may be hard to prove verbal abuse but when it involves cussing at them or each other in front of them is a second degree felony if i remember correctly where I am from. Eventually this could lead to physical abuse. I am very passionate my kids. My ex became verbally abusive. He even threaten to hit me with both of them in my lap. I spoke with a cop the next day. You have a moral responsibility to get those kids out of that home or call the police and get him out. I have been there, done that. Speaking from experience I removed myself and my kids and went to my moms, find somewhere. He got so mad he told me he wanted a divorce, he used that word loosely mind you and I don't. It was the straw for means I told him I wanted one too. He did not think I would go through with it, took almost a year to be final. You gotta do what's right for you and more importantly you gotta do what's right for the kiddos. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Priya - posted on 03/17/2013

You have tried to explain things to him and it is clear that he is taking out his frustration on defenseless kids. You must move out and take your kids to a safe and secure place even though it might be hard, it is good for you and your children.

Samantha - posted on 03/17/2013

Ok, How old is your husband? uhm if he is home and not doing a thing, yeah dude is going to be acting like that, but for the sake of your children, if you love them you will get them out of there. Just, I hate to say it, BUT I was in the same kind of situation with my ex boyfriend, very horrible guy. I left him and took the baby we had at the time, my ex was doing drugs and I never knew about it. he was pill popping and everything unimaginable too. At the time our son is what he couldn't even handle, he would scream and yell at him, I used to have to go and get my son right away before it would even escalade and become way worse. For your children you have to get them out of there, before he does something so stupid and in the end your going to think to yourself, what could have I done to prevent this, also get him anger management classes. He needs SERIOUS HELP. No Joke. I'm speaking from experience.

Natasha - posted on 03/17/2013

Children should never be subject to that abuse. it might seem harsh but it is ABUSE. Towards you and your children. You have to protect them and not only from physical harm but from emotional and mental abuse. You are not trapped and you do not need him. Im sure you are a strong woman but these are warning signs and should not be taken lightly . Like i read in the other comments. Get what you need and get out. I will pray for you but you obviously know this is bad if you are posting, Go with your gut, which im sure is telling you to leave, Then your beautiful children will be happy and safe and so will you. Hope everything works but you need to make good choices. xo

Sarah - posted on 03/17/2013

It sounds like he was not ready to be a dad, I know families like this its never good. I will pray for him to get better, take care of those kids so when they grow up they will see how to be kind.

Angela - posted on 03/17/2013

A person who would talk to kids like that especially their own kids is not a good person. Your kids deserve better than that. Leave now and don't look back....seriously!

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 03/16/2013

You need to get those kids out of that house and away from that man! I understand how hard it might be , but those poor innocent kids are going to be affected for the rest of their lives if this continues. They are going to have low self esteem bc the one man that is supposed to love them unconditionally is mentally torturing them. They will think something is wrong with them if their own father could treat them like that , and that will lead to a life time of low self esteem which could steam roll into depression, drug abuse, multiply sexual partners,etc. . They might also blame and resent you if they feel you didn't do your best to protect them from him. There is NO excuse for his behavior and he obviously needs to speak to a mental health professional or he shouldn't be allowed near those kids. I don't mean to sound dramatic but this is serious and could have devastating long lasting affects on those kids minds on how they feel about themselves and how they view the world in general . Please get then away from him. I would love an update because I will be sick in my stomach until I know those kids are safe

Jeanie - posted on 03/16/2013

Leave! Plain and simple.

Kayleigh - posted on 03/16/2013

Listen I know it is hard but I have been in that situation and the only thing I yocould do is leave it was because it started verbally and ended in physically hitting us I had to leave and it was bad enough that my son now has night terrors so you make your choice I tried for a year and a half and it only got worst with enough hope to hold me there untill my child got caught in the middle of us and could have had a broken leg he pushed me down while holding him I was big enough I could have broken his leg if I would have hit the floor and for me it was to close so I left with out him actually actively looking for help it couldn't work I hope you read this I have high hopes if you would like email me monkayleigh@gmail.com

Morgan - posted on 03/16/2013

LEAVE THAT SORRY EXCUSE OF A "MAN"

Mary - posted on 03/15/2013

I would send him to a friend or relatives home for a while, just until he can chill out and realise what he may have with you and his kids. If you are like me, and maybe does everything you can to make sure the house is cleaned, kids are fed, bathed and taken care of so he doesn't get all pissy, then maybe he will respect you in the longrun. If not, then he wasn't meant to have kids nor someone as nice or someone who can put up with that kind of behavor. Men will never understand what we sacrifice whenever we have our children.... Just be strong, and take care of yourself and your kids and do what feels right in your heart. :)

Monica - posted on 03/15/2013

Honey, it won't be long before this man is not only verbally abusing but also physically hitting those children! To me, that's a deal breaker, he would either stop behaving that way, which I don't believe he will as he won't have any of your pleading him to stop. He sounds arrogant, abusive, violent and I would keep him away from the children. It is heartbreaking when someone abuses your babies as you love them so much and remember, those kids can only count on you to protect them, no one else. Don't fail them by giving in to his abuse. good luck!

Rachel - posted on 03/15/2013

I'm sorry but he shouldn't be speaking to you like that but certainly not to the kids. If I were you, I'd tell him to cut the shit or you'll leave. I mean, why would you want to stay with someone that is so mean to you and your kids?

Krystle - posted on 03/14/2013

Hi there this may sound harsh but youre husband needs to grow up AND STOP ACTING LIKE A BABY HIMSELF... He needs to take responsibility for his actions...

Teresa - posted on 03/14/2013

Hi Brandee, I wouldn't put up with that crap, and he tells you to find a babysitter. No mam he needs to get up off of his behind and find a job. I personally wouldn't want him taking care of the kids because if he's yelling and screaming at them when you're home I can imagine what he's doing when you're not. You need to kick his unemployed behind to the curb & you definitely don't need to stay with him and allow him to treat those kids like that because if something happens you will also be at fault. Don't let him tell you to shut up either. He's the one who needs to shit up and grow the hell up. One thing I learned in life Brandee a man only does what his woman allows him to do.....

Katelynn - posted on 03/13/2013

How to get past cheated on while I was. 9 months prego with my
Girlfriend . Haunts me

Nicole - posted on 03/13/2013

he won't stop don't risk your kids growing up feeling unloved . he's supposed to pertect them not hurt them. take your kids and leave . That way they don't have to go thought that shit

Therese - posted on 03/12/2013

LEAVE HIM & TAKE YOUR KID!!!

Your a grown woman, what do you think you should do. I am financially dependent on my husband, he owns a large company and he gets irritated at his staff often, specially at the end of the month.

A few weeks ago, he came home and blasted our son for not putting his clothes away. Okay, It was irritating, but he got completely verbally abusive. Our son is not used to this, so he just kept quiet, (13 years old). I heard it and stormed downstairs. I stood beside our son and held his hand and starred at my husband the entire time he was on his stupid tirade. When he ran out of steam. I calmly took our son upstairs to his room. and told him to lie down. The next morning, my son and I decided to go home to my parents.

This is what I texted my husband:
We love you, and you are suppose to be our hero. Heroes don't say the things you said. And Love is not never-ending. Let me know if you don't want that position anymore, I will understand, but remember that I will protect your son in every way possible so that you don't ever hurt him like you did last night.
And I don't care why you got mad, I only care about how you handled it. Don't feel that safe with me, no matter how much I love you, I love our child, your child more. So figure it out, I never want a day to come that our son will hate you for your abuse and me for my weakness.

Yes, I am back home within 48 hours and yes, we talked about it and he will have another day like that, but he sat with his son and told him why he acted that way and they figured out coping skills to handle those situations.

Good luck

Richardhousewife - posted on 03/12/2013

Tell him it's "verbal abuse," in case he never heard the term. A lot of guys are dumber than you might think, and might not have read much about relationships, being a husband, being a father, etc. See if he apologizes and gradually rectifies his pattern. Eventually, you may have to separate from him if he doesn't improve.

Be as calm as possible, as you probably are, already. Find out all the techniques of getting a restraining order and no-contact order, and if you are not broke, save some cash up so that if he is broke, he can use it to get an apartment, somewhere. If you are not too broke, move out with the kids to a different place and get a restraining order and no-contact order at the same time.

You already know that guys can seem pretty immature and unpredictable at times like this, and they may allow themselves to completely lose any "motherly instinct" they ever had, gradually becoming worse and worse as fathers. Hopefully, this situation will not spiral out of control.

Kauri - posted on 03/11/2013

if i were u id tell him to go stay at a hotel until he gets his anger managed and if he was still verbally abusive i would take the kids and go stay somewere and if it still continued i would probably either divorce him or just take some time away from each other

Isabelle - posted on 03/10/2013

You need to sit your man down and tell him. If he does not stop what he is doing to you And the kids... You will leave him period .. There are a billion reasons to stay but one to leave. Remember this ... Your children are the most important ones in your life .. You will regret not standing up for them if u do t do this.