Need help with verbal abusive husband to children

Brandee - posted on 02/12/2013 ( 226 moms have responded )

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My husband is laid off from work right now. He gets irritated within 5 to 10 minutes with our 1 and 2 years old after we all get up in the morning. He constantly yells at them and swears and calls the retards and stupid. He also uses names like bonehead, peckerhead, and other names. I tell him all the time to quit talking to them like that and not to flip out on them all the time like he does. He tells me to shut up and not tell him what to do. Its even worse at night if one of the kids wakes up and starts crying and happens to be unlucky enough to wake him up. I dont know what else to do. I get on him with treating his older two like that so the little ones wont think that its normal behavior but he doesnt listen. After a day or two of having to watch them so I can work he yells at me and tells me that I need to find them a babysitter because he is sick of their crap already. I just need advice on what I can do to make him stop.

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Virginia - posted on 02/19/2013

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It is your responsibility to protect your kids and salvage their self-esteem. You need to secretly tape record his rants for proof, and then boot him the hell out!

Shame on you, if you let this continue for one minute longer!!

Nancy - posted on 02/19/2013

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In my humble opinion, you really have a serious problem sweety. FIRST, you MUST find a babysitter..no way would I leave my children with him..what if it goes further than verbal abuse? Since you know how he acts around them, really you would be responsible for not having him babysit at all....does he do this even when you are there? I would worry about being with him and him being around the kids, because for the rest of your lives, crap is gonna happen...is he going to act like that when another problem arises? I suspect this isn't the first time, (being laid off of work) he has done this? I in NO WAY could live like that. Your kids are going to have so many problems from his bullying...SHAME ON HIM....and shame on you if you don't do something about it....FAST...Personally, I would ask him to leave until he can get his shit together...I am 59 years young..:) I have seen a lot...one thing I WILL NOT have in my home,,,,is any kind of abuse...Your home should be safe and secure for those babies. I hate to put the responsibility on you, but you can not change your husband, he has to do that himself...but the responsibility does lie on you to NOT HAVE HIM BABYSIT...not have him around them if he is going to be negative OR ignoring them. Peace and tranquility and healthy controlled conversations between you all will help you have a successful family and home life...If you don't think you can make it without him,,,,YOU CAN...think of how much happier your children,,and you will be with peace in the house and the kids being totally safe. If he would get professional help and truly change that of course would be the best thing...but you should give him time and be sure he has changed before you even have him AROUND the kids, let alone babysitting! I wish you, wisdom, strength, (mental and physical) peace, and stamina that you may need to work with your husband to let him know this is totally inappropriate,,and it is child abuse! Stay strong and put your children first and foremost!!! Husbands may come and go, but children are forever!

Crystal - posted on 02/19/2013

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He needs to leave. He is not allowed to abuse those children and you as their mother need to put their needs BEFORE his or yours.

They did not ask to be brought into this world and they do not deserve to be abused because your husband is a selfish prick.

Bad shit happens in life and he needs to learn how to deal, HE'S the adult. You need to get his bags packed.

I don't mean to 'attack' you on this, but you do not need 'advise' my dear, you need to man up and do what is right for those 2 innocent children. He will destroy them if he continues. And those that are capable of behaviour like you've described are poison to children.

He needs to take a back seat. Kick him out, and if need be you get the police involved. You let him know that THEY did not choose him as a father, and THEY did not choose to be born, they are NOT his punching bags.

Ruthann Medford - - posted on 02/19/2013

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You know how they say "A drunken man reveals a sober mind" my darling it is the same...... yes losing your job can be indeed stressful but first and foremost he must remember he is a father and husband, just because work is not forthcoming gives him no reason to be abusive to you or your kids. give him an alternation either curb the childish, disrespectful, stupid behaviour or get out, and be firm and as assertive as possible, you are a strong person and you have to be stronger for your kids........ let no one talk or treat your kids like that it becomes learnt behaviour.

Triny - posted on 02/19/2013

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I have one thing to say. Leave him ASAP. He probably has a bad attitude anyways. Yelling and screaming at your children will only bring you serious problems later on. Get yourself together and get out of that marriage. He probably won't change. I have seen people like this before. I have gone thru serious hardships both my husband and I and actually I would cry outside so my children wouldn't see me or be affected by the hardship we were going through. I would not allow that from any man I don't care if he is the father. Rememeber you are the mom - so let anyone abuse your children. Take care.

Birdi - posted on 02/19/2013

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LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE!

If he is interested in changing who he is, which is not likely, then he will take the steps to do so. You cannot change anyone, or "stop" behavior which is obviously natural to their personality. Get out now before this segues into physical abuse, which verbal so often does.

PS. NO ONE will ever tell me to "shut up and not tell them what to do" when it comes to my children. Kids cannot (and should not have to) defend themselves, that is your job. So start doing it, by moving out!

Julie - posted on 02/19/2013

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Let me guess...he probably treats you the same way. It's so hard. You want to do what is best for your kids, so you stay with their dad. But, honestly, it is better to leave. Some people are just not meant to be parents. And that is ok. They will grow up better not having to constantly be on eggshells. I've been there. It was the hardest thing I had to do. But, it was right. In the end, he was happier, treated teh kids better when he did see them, and I was a better person too.

Lisa - posted on 02/19/2013

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First off you as a mother need to protect your children at all cost. He probably feels useless since he out of a job still there is no excuse to treat anyone or any child like that . your children will grow up with a complex if this behavior of his continues. Get counseling if that does not work then I would warn him that if this continues you will separate from him protect your children in the end they are all you got

Mary - posted on 02/19/2013

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Tracy Stewart - great suggestions! I love your reply. Looking at things from another perspective is always helpful.

Mary - posted on 02/19/2013

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Abuse comes in all forms and being off work is NO excuse to be verbally abusive to anybody. My husband was out of work for 10 months and he too has a very short fuse but when he would become irritated, he would go do something - usually go into another room in the house for a few minutes to settle and compose himself. We have a punching/kick boxing bag in the garage and he would use that almost hourly to releave stress from the kids. Kids will ALWAYS remember trauma of being yelled at, especially when they did nothing to deserve it but simply exist. They will grow up to be scared, meek and withdrawn people who will be walked on and abused the rest of their life because that is how they are being taught now to be treated. He needs to stop or you need to get the kids to a safe place. Over 60% of yelling parents become physically abusive parents. Good luck to you all!

Rosheena - posted on 02/19/2013

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By this time Brandee, I'm sure you have gotten the message that this is unacceptable and dangerous behavior. I hope from the four pages of posts that someone has also advised YOU to get serious counseling because if you had to ask this hard question (you are very brave to have done this) that means that something is breaking down inside of you psychologically and it has to be addressed too. You must remove yourself and your children from this mans presence immediately. You will find a better life without this depressed/abusive person. Do not glamorize or romanticize the way things were, they are what they are now and things could get deadly!!!! Take your babies and move.

"A man that turns and runs away, lives to fight another day!" - Bob Marley.

Peace

Nicki - posted on 02/19/2013

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Leave. It's scary. I won't lie. Go to family or friends or http://nationalsafeplace.org

Your babies will carry the trauma of his words their entire life. Violence is not limited to hands. Words are violent, too.

You are your children's only advocate for the life they deserve. Do what you must.

GET OUT.

Danna - posted on 02/19/2013

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You need to leave him until he settles down. NOONE deserves verbal or physical abuse. He is depressed n needs help and until he gets help you n your small children do not need to b there. There are shelters for such things.

Kayleigh - posted on 02/19/2013

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And just so you know most of the time they are verbally abusive most of the time they are physically abusive as well I never believed it till my ex proved it best of luck but I say you can't change him only he can and he may not want to so I would leave and please don't leave him alone with the kids again after I left my ex my son was scared and wouldn't go back to his dad at 1 and a half he knew what was up please just be carefull

Lisa - posted on 02/19/2013

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I used to be that man. Mad at the world, my kids, and everyone that came across my path. I ended up moving out. I learned to late that words are harmful. I learned how to say sorry. I see he has an anger problem but he needs to figure out why. Just like kids id be giving him a timeout. Your kids need to feel safe around their father. As to his calling them names all its gonna do is upset the kids more and its gonna escalate. Ask him to write down what is pissing him off. He is the grown up he should set the example. I hope this helps somewhat.

Tina - posted on 02/19/2013

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Hi it sounds like your hubby is suffering with depression? You have to try and talk to him and tell the doctor too! Try and do it as soon as possible before he does something he regrets! Hope you get things sorted!

Maria - posted on 02/19/2013

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It sounds like your husband is going through depression, angry at the world, lost job, etc...
But that gives him NO RIGHT to throw his anger at the kids or you, he needs to get out and chill, get some counselling support. If he is not willing to change, get out fast, for kids sake!

Theresa - posted on 02/19/2013

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Please tell him to move out now. I lived with a father like that my whole life, and if he's doing that in front of you, there's plenty going on when you are at work. Find a women's resource center, or find a relative to stay with if he won't leave. And please don't take him back until he has gone through counseling, because he will say whatever he has to to get you to let him stay, but the behavior won't change. Please listen. I lived through that, and my husband's father was the same. And it's horrible to never know what will set him off, to be treated like you are unwanted and unloved, and to live in terror of your father every day. He's abusing them, and I guarantee there's more going on when you're not home. This is extremely serious, and it's not ok or normal at all!! PLEASE take care of this. Don't be like my mother and make them live like this for their childhood.

Michelle - posted on 02/19/2013

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I am shocked and agree I would be asking him to leave. one step away for physical abuse I feel

Eileen - posted on 02/18/2013

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Retard? STupid? Peckerhead? Does this man REMEMBER these children are from his own blood?

I am very certain that what goes on in FRONT of you goes way beyond words when he is alone with those kids. He has no self respect and therefore has no respect to give. There are hundreds of thousands of people out of work...they do not go to this behavior.

He cant be "bothered " by having a baby wake him up at night? Flips out? Tells you to shut up and not tell him what to do? He is already GONE. I was in a similar situation years ago...was a Jekyl and Hyde character...at home was a control freak, abusive and selfish, put downs were all day long. I should have left when it all started but took me 5 years to get out. I know I took the brunt of most of the abuse..yes, verbal abuse IS abuse. It took until it passed to the kids that I left. RAN. I never looked back. It took me a long, LONG time to figure out not only did my kids deserve more but I did also. I grew up seeing the same life and married a man like my dad. It really IS what you think is normal. You have to do right for those kids and break that pattern. You all deserve to be treated like humans, not junk yard dogs.

Tenea - posted on 02/18/2013

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Everyone has thier own opinion..... Just trying to give her reasons why he may act the way he does. Kristi--- I understand being in abusive relationship gives you a different perspective....I was trying to give her some understanding and some small ideas on what could probably be the issue. I came from a home of a single mother who struggled her whole life to raise me and she lived with men that abused her.... I remember having to fight for her. I came from a home of seeing abusive grandparents. So I know abuse and what it looks like. Have I lost touch of that? Absolutely not! Did I Marry an abusive man? No. Never stood for it because I saw what my mom went threw. At the end of the day, just trying to give her advice. Thank you!

Jen - posted on 02/18/2013

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Would you allow a stranger speak like that to or about your children? No, then why do you allow their own father to treat them this way. Breaking their esteem before it can build up. You know what you have to do even if you don't like it.

Veena - posted on 02/18/2013

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Hi brandee this man is abusive. You need to seprate him from you and your children as soon as possible. No child should ever hear thoes names called to them how horrifying

Penny - posted on 02/18/2013

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My ex husband was very similar. His version of reality was very different to mine and I lived on edge constantly until one day I saw that he would never really change. On good days we were fabulous together but it was always dependent on his mood.
I started blaming myself for his verbal abuse, my thoughts full of how I could do things better next time to avoid being yelled at. One day I just woke up and decided to leave. It was the best thing I ever did. Now my daughter only gets called disgusting names only once a week instead of every day. Now I have remarried to a wonderful man who respects me and my daughter like she is his own. Nobody should put up with that kind of thing as it is abuse, and will damage little lives irrevocably.

Cathie - posted on 02/18/2013

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Please read Tracy Stuart's reply listed above. She gives the best advice I have heard outside of a psychologist's office.

I understand how hard it is to create a new life for yourself and your children. I waited a long time to do this and now have regrets that I didn't do it sooner. Change is extremely hard. But living with a husband who is verbally abusing the children and you is also a very hard life. This current life will be detrimental to your children and also to you.

I wish you emotional strength and support from friends and family to help you through this rough time in your life. Please give your children a hug and kiss. It sounds as if they could use some cuddles in their life and it will give you an uplifted spirit to know how much they love their mother.

May you find peace in the near future.

Lynne - posted on 02/18/2013

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I wouldnt stand for it, he needs to either get help with his anger or go live somewhere else he is going to frighten those kids and scar them, i have an ex husband that used to shout at my son and every time he used to raise his voice my son used to hide round my legs and he is now only 4, you need to do something now not later for yourself and for your kids. x

Nancy - posted on 02/18/2013

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Clearly he has issues, either you get him help with his anger management issues or one day while you are at work you are going to get a phone call telling you to go home quickly because something has happened to one of your children, and he will have caused it. Turn on the tv it happens every single day. People just snap and without realizing it they cause damage that cannot not be fixed.

Jessica - posted on 02/18/2013

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I just recently went through roughly the same situation you are facing with your husband. Mine was laid off December 12th. Everything was calm and going fine until mid January and then he started with the anger, etc. he would sleep the day away, yell at our boys and just be mean. I ended up sitting him down while the boys were at school and we had it out. I told him either he got over it and started acting like a parent or he needed to get out. It did help and he was a lot nicer. Thankfully he went back to work last week. It takes a horrible toll on a relationship.

Wilma - posted on 02/18/2013

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I just read the post and I realize it was posted 6 days ago and many people have aleady responded to your post, but I hope you will read mine also. I will be praying for you and your family! But, I am very concerned about your kids being in a dangerous situation.I am concerned that a number of things could take place, among them are:1) what if his anger worsens and he hits one of them or hits them all? how are you going to explain that? Are you going to keep your kids in this situation, until something that terrible happens? 2) What if the neighbors hear him calling the kids those names,etc? Someone will end up calling Childrens Services, 3)What if you are at work and his anger grows until he walks out and goes someplace and leaves them alone and something bad happens to one of them? I could go on and on but I want you to realize you are walking out and leaving your kids with a "timebomb!" No wonder the kids wake up crying at night! They are probably having nightmares! I beg of you to get out of this situation ! Do NOT allow him to tell you he will stop and he won't be that way anymore b/c he WILL continue! You owe it to your children to protect them! There are places you can call that will help you get out and go to a safe place! PLEASE protect your children and yourself! Keep us posted as to what happens, please do!

Kareem - posted on 02/18/2013

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Are u serious... U clearly need some help or support... U are allowing ur children to be bullied by their ownfather... He clearly doesn't enjoy the fact that he has a family nd doesn't care to respect them... What's so sad is that that's the way he talks to the kids, who knows how he talks to u... I'm a single mother nd I love it... In all reality it the one that's working taking care of the house, the bills, the kids... U can do it without the abuse... Nothing is going to change financially, u will still be the only one working, u will still need to come home to cook nd clean, but all with a smile because u will be doing it with Love... U will be able to enjoy ur little ones laughter more nd enjoy the little things they say... Don't let ur children mimic his behavior... Leave him... He's bringing home misery nd worse... NO PAYCHECK nobody needs a parasite...Men like that lie, cheat nd beat women nd kids, they are ill tempered nd its disgusting... Its disgusting that u are putting up with it
Good Luck, learn to put ur kids nd ur happiness first ;)

Jeff - posted on 02/17/2013

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I took action and made sure my 9 year old did not have to be in a room alone with her anymore, you should do the same. I advise any abusing mother or father be separated legally from the child unless supervised visits can be arranged

Brittany - posted on 02/17/2013

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Put your children first, tell him there's the door & don't come back until you love your family & can respect them.

Sue - posted on 02/17/2013

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please don't do what my father did, we were raised in a very religious home and it was taught that your spouse always comes second after god then your children, i never had a chance as long as he put my mother above me. my earliest memory is a painful traumatic one of my mother at about 2 years old, please don't let that be your babies earliest memory, one of their father being abusive

Sue - posted on 02/17/2013

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get those kids of the situation!! I was raised in a home where one parent abused me, including verbally from my earliest memories till i cut them out of my life. You are the only one that can protect them from an abusive parent. i spent my entire childhood praying and hoping for someone to save me from an abusive situation, but my father decided to turn a blind eye to what my mother did, and she was very good at hiding it from others in public. please get them away from him. i understand with a layoff he is stressed, and maybe he needs something like this to snap him out of it, but those little one's do not deserved to be treated like that, and from experience, the angry lashing out and frustration can quickly turn into physical abuse when no one else is around

Jeff - posted on 02/17/2013

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I can only tell you that my wife is extremely verbally abusive to my 9 year old daughter.
I have had to take my daughter in another room to protect her from the verbal abuse. I have decided that the only way to prevent the abuse from continuing, was to file for divorce. Fortunately I had evidence, and was able to win full custody. Now my ex wife can only have supervised visitation.

Jessica - posted on 02/17/2013

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If you don't get those babies out then you are facilitating his abuse. You better do something now.

Tracie - posted on 02/17/2013

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Your children are being abused. That is not acceptable! You need to get out now....or get him out.....and it needs to be done now! For the sake of your children, act now. New Hope of Attleboro can help you. Please call their hotline and get help now if you need assistance. Please, he is going to get worse. You can't fix him. God bless you, and your babies.

Susan - posted on 02/17/2013

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Leave.

The next time he does it, start packing your and your children/s clothes. Verbal abuse is just as damaging if not more so than physical abuse.

I'm not saying stay away forever, or to get a divorce.

But he HAS to figure out that what he is doing is wrong. Sometimes it takes losing something important.

Jessica - posted on 02/16/2013

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Ok, honey, you need serious intervention now! Verbal abuse can be worse and even more serious than physical abuse. Would you sit there and let him hit you and your children?? This is the same thing and it is damaging them for life! I am a mandated reporter because I am a teacher. If a student reported this to me or I knew you I would have to report this to child protective services. If he is treating your children like this you need to gather evidence, write down everything he says and the dates. Try to get a video tape or audio recording of it. Then call cps and make a report of child abuse or tell a mandated reporter and they can call. You need to leave him after you gather this evidence and go to a friends house or a shelter for women leaving abusive husbands. There is no way you should ever let your children be treated this way! You have to protect them, that is your job. Then you need to go to court and petition for full custody and a restraining order. This is not to be taken lightly, it is child abuse and you should not put up with it. Please protect your children! There are a lot of people out there who will support you with this. You probably think this sounds extreme but you cannot let this continue.

Kylie - posted on 02/16/2013

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Give him a choice he either cuts his shit out or tell him to move out. He sounds like a real bastard

Susan (Jimmie's Aunt Susie) - posted on 02/16/2013

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It takes around 10 positive comments to counter the effects of just one negative comment. I was taught this while getting a degree in Early Childhood Development and I have seen evidence of it. Here is a link that supports my position on this http://www.valley.net/~boast/accentuatet... There are others also. Maybe you can show him the info so that he understands the kids are being damaged by his behavior and words? Brain development research shows how important these years are to a child's well being and to their ability to learn in the future. My guess is that he feels bad about himself so is taking it out on the kids. I hope things get better for you soon.

Anna - posted on 02/15/2013

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One question is do you want your children to grow up thinking this behaviour is acceptable and treating their loved ones in the same manner when they are adults? If the answer is no, my suggestion is ask him to leave. In saying this, when did this behaviour commence? It is quite probable that his self esteem has taken a battering and he is lashing out. He went from working to not working. He may be depressed. You need to give him an ultimatum. He gets to the doctor for help or he leaves.

Alberta - posted on 02/15/2013

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Financially it is hard but get the kids into day care or somewhere safe on the days you are at work. Then if you have close friends and family in the area be honest and let them know what is going on and see if they can help with the children. Your husband prior to not having a job how was his behavior with the children? why did he lose his job? What is he doing to fix the job situation? Has your relationship always been strained or was there an event that triggered his behavior? What was that event if there was one?

DON'T misunderstand I AM NOT EXCUSING HIM!!! I am simply asking you to examine the complete situation. He is WRONG! to treat his family like that (I speak from experience with the same thing). Then look at is he depressed or is there a family history of depression or mental illness. Again mental illness is NOT an excuse for asking like a jerk. I would get a counselor for myself and see if he would go with you. What you can't do is excuse his behavior, hide his behavior or down play his behavior. HE IS ABUSIVE and you and the kids are BEING abused. You and the children need help ASAP and you can NOT leave the children (of any age) with him alone at all again until he gets his act together. He may not be physically abuse (yet) but he can be quickly if his temper gets away from him. Mental and emotional abuse may not be as physically painful to the recipient but is is just as damaging and it may be harder to deal with because it is easier hid. There are no bruises for the friends and family to see so you may hear that you need to just stay away from him or just do everything right and NOT make him mad. People will say instantly to get the hell out if your spouse hits you or the kids but emotional abuse is still so frequently overlooked. It is a major cause of siucide amoung children and teens. Don't just do nothing. He needs help as do the rest of you. He may need to move out, he may need help, but you and the kids need to be out of the abuse NOW. How you go about doing that will depend on your situation. If you have family or friends you can stay with do that or if you can kick him out (if he will actually leave) do that but make sure that he understands that HE IS ABUSIVE and HE WILL NOT SEE YOU OR THE KIDS AS LONG AS HE IS ABUSIVE!!! Also if he has a trusted friend that you also trust enlist their help. PLeaseget help NOW ASAP do NOT wait because every day in an abusive situation is another day of hurt and pain you and the children don't need and YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! He may say your many and any sort of bad things but don't believe him! You and the children are worth fighting for and living in abuse is existing NOT living! So start living and make your stnd but have an exscape plan for you and do NOT have the children home or at his familys home when you confront him. Have the childen someplace safe, don't tell him where and be ready to walk out and not come home for a while if it comes down to it.

There are local organizations that will help you get out if you have no place to go and they will help you with the legal issues as well associated with leaving such as: custody, bank accounts, bills and a host of other issues. they will also help with mental, emotional and physical aspects of abuse such as counseling.

You are probable reading all these responses and saying to your self are things really as bad as they seem in my head? YES THEY ARE! don't let someone tell you oh what is a little yelling. He is not doing sa little yelling he is bullying, belittleing, barating and abusing you and the children. You want to prove it to yourself then video tape him (secretly if possible is safer) and then with a friend, relative, pastor, counselor someone NOT in the house watch it and see what they say. You may want to believe your just blowing this out of proportion but when you are so concerned (as you obviously are) get a second opinion.

Please be careful emotional and mental abuse (which is what he does) can and often times will escilate into physical abuse and there is no "steps" of abuse. He may go from yelling to knocking you out without the "little slap" happening first. There is no such thing as a little slap it is all abuse!

God Bless You and your family!

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