Need some advice
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Christy - posted on 11/17/2011
FIRST of all, YOU go to a therapist w/o him. I am pretty sure you have the baby blues, which is NORMAL. On top of this, you have a disconnected spouse toward you and your new baby. He is probably feeling a huge range of emotions, and MIGHT be feeling pretty bad about himself since you are sad a lot of the times.
Is there one day a week you and he can spend alone with each other, out somewhere without baby? Also, is there a time you can get out alone and maybe with some other girls to have a night out, even for a few hours, while he watches the baby? No, you can't force bonding btwn him and baby, but a lot of the time men just don't know what to do with a small baby. They get uncomfortable, since little babies don't do much except, eat, poop, cry and sleep!
He is in shock about the new baby and it will take some time for him to adjust. Be sure to tell him you appreciate ANY little thing he does, going to work, if he laods the dishwasher, feeds, the baby, changes her, holds her so you can do something else, etc. Men need to hear things like this.
Just some ideas, I went through the same thing with my babies. It was hard but you will get through it with time and communication!!!
Elfrieda - posted on 11/17/2011
I see in a different post that your baby is only 3 weeks old. That is too soon to expect everything to be good. It really does sound like you have the baby blues or maybe even ppd. It sort of sounds like your husband doesn't know what to do to make you feel better, so he is running away.
Did you know that men can get post-partum depression, too? It's normal to grieve over your old life, back when your spouse had lots of time for you and you could take a shower whenever you felt like it, and you could go out with friends and have people over. Life is different now, and change hurts. I'm not saying that your husband is right to do what he's doing, I'm just trying to point out how he might be feeling.
I think you need to get yourself to the doctor, explain everything, and ask if it sounds like you need to see a therapist. Or just go, leave the baby with your sister and go see a counselor if you know of a good one. You might need to ignore your husband's opinions for a while, and just work on getting steady on your own feet. I mean not worry about what he thinks about counselling, just go yourself if he won't come, too, and don't pressure him to hold the baby if she's falling asleep anyway. (if she needs something, that's another story. Maybe if he can tend to some of her needs (feeding, rocking, changing) he will feel more mastery over his new life and feel like he can do something right and stick around home more.)
My husband helped with the baby and didn't run away all the time, but we both admitted that we were tempted to just walk out the door, leaving the other person with the (screaming) baby, and never come back. We took turns running errands to get diapers, groceries, etc, and when one of us walked in the door, the other one would say, "Thanks for coming back." Eventually I bonded with the baby to the point of enjoying his company sometimes (at about 5 months) but my husband and son didn't really click until just before my son turned one! It was all duty on his end, and I worried about it, but didn't nag him to change, because how can someone change their feelings? His actions were good (he changed, fed, burped, etc), but he only did it because it needed to be done. It took some time for them to really click together. Now my son is almost 2 and is always with his dad when he's home, and they both like it that way.
America3437 - posted on 11/17/2011
I speak from experience....After reading what you wrote I would be very suspious as to him cheating! Leaving an hour and half early for a job he hates,been there done that,he was cheatin,driving around for no reason and miles and gas not adding up,been there done that ,he was cheatin. Just sayin you should take care of you and that baby and do what you feel is right! I stayed and it took 13yrs of this same battle but in the end I won!!! We have had many conversations about it and I learned he just wasn't ready to settle down and in the end it was me who stuck through it and never left his side. He was not raised by his mom or dad or anyone for that matter and when the whole world turned their back on him I stayerd and fought and I would do it all over again! There was no counseling because he too said it was silly. It was alot of heartache and tears and hard work but we are togeather 20 yrs and very much in love and happy! Follow your heart and love with an unconditional heart if you can't then get out now!
Krista - posted on 11/17/2011
I don't want to drive him away with these feelings because I love him but he thinks that by not thinking negative thought, I won't be depressed.
You can't just wish depression away, any more than you can just wish away a broken arm. It takes time, and therapy, and possibly medication.
And he's not helping, by being so unsupportive. Last time I checked, those marriage vows included, "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health."
You are not driving him away. He is RUNNING away because he doesn't have the testicular fortitude to man up and work WITH you to solve this. Instead, he's just making himself scarce and hoping that when he gets back, you'll be all happy-sunshiny again.
Go see your doctor first, and start getting your PPD sorted out. Then, sit him down and say, "Look. I know that I'm not easy to live with right now. I know this is tough. But when you run away, it only makes things worse. And I can't fix it all by myself -- this marriage includes you, and I need you to be a part of fixing this problem. It might involve doing some things you think are silly, or that you don't want to do, but our very family is at stake here, so I don't think it's too much to ask."
Amanda - posted on 11/17/2011
My sister can watch the baby while I go to therapy. I really want to talk to someone because I don't like feeling this way. The baby needs both mommy and daddy. I don't want to drive him away with these feelings because I love him but he thinks that by not thinking negative thought, I won't be depressed. Sometimes it works, but not for very long. I don't get too much sleep either because I haven't been able to get her to sleep in her crib yet. She's still so little and likes the smell of mommy and daddy. Being held gives her comfort. So I stay up with her all day while my husband works and all night while my husband sleeps. I sleep a little when she sleeps because I doze off while she lays on my chest. That's pretty much it so the lack of sleep isn't helping me.
Krista - posted on 11/17/2011
Go see your doctor, now. It sounds like you're suffering from Post-Partum Depression, which is VERY real, and is not at all your fault.
And your husband may not "believe" in therapy, but ask him if he "believes" in having a happy marriage. Because if one partner is not happy, then it's not a happy marriage. And if he loved you, he'd be willing to work on your relationship, instead of just running away all the time.
So, my suggestion would be to go see your doctor first, to deal with your depression. And ask your doctor about counseling. Even if your husband doesn't want to go at first, it's still beneficial to talk things out with a therapist to see if there are any communication tools you can use to persuade your husband to stop running away from problems. Do you have anybody who can watch the baby while you go do this?